The Three Musketeers (2011)
Oh, this movie was so gloriously, gloriously, terrible.
But before I get into the snark, first, a disclaimer: about midway through the movie, the theatre, for whatever reason, decided to turn on the heat, making me a bit dizzy and forcing me to pause and pull off my sweater, causing me to miss some of the Star Trek moments.
Second, three warnings: one, as reader
thette has correctly noted, those of you with an interest in accuracy in your historical costuming should probably avoid this film, however spectacular the hats. Two, those of you with no interest in accuracy in your historical costuming may well find yourself distracted by the hats. And three, seeing this movie while accompanied by a chemist may well result in an upset or distracted chemist who will point out the various places where the film got the physics wrong. This includes some stuff with the hats.
Third, portions of this film were actually - hold your shock - almost ok, particularly the bits focusing on the Three Musketeers who are all fairly decent in their roles, although the actor playing D'Artagnan should never be allowed near a period piece or, for that matter, a camera again.
The rest, however, demands snark. A lot of snark.
Film BEGINS by DIRECTLY RIPPING OFF Game of Thrones, which is a less encouraging sign than you might think, with some OPENING CREDITS focusing on and zooming over a RATHER INACCURATE map of what is apparently MEANT to be 17th (or, maybe 18th) century Europe, dotted with towns and images of LITTLE TOY SOLDIERS, who are EMOTING BETTER than the LIVE ACTORS will later on in the film. Voiceover tells us that Louis and Anne are SURROUNDED by enemies and don't have ANY FRIENDS AT ALL. It is all very sad.
Film: Quick! Switch to something more entertaining and slightly less of a ripoff, like, Venice!
Camera shifts to zoom over a remarkably FAKE LOOKING Venice, aided by a HELPFUL NOTE telling us that we are in VENICE. A sad soldier in armor is GUARDING SOME WATERY STEPS.
Athos: Hi, I'm Athos, the sort of leader of the Musketeers in this film. That's all the backstory or character info you're going to get. For reasons that DEFY PHYSICS and CHEMISTRY, I have decided to GO SCUBA DIVING in Venice WHILE WEARING STEEL ALL OVER MY HEAD and some of my body. Those of you hoping that this is an INTELLIGENT REFERENCE to The Man in the Iron Mask should probably quell those hopes. And now, I shall pull out two collapsible crossbows, remarkably UNCORRODED by the salt water, and SHOOT EVERYONE.
Milady: Hi! I'm Milady. Although you might remember me from previous incarnations as a GIFTED, INCURABLY EVIL assassin and seductress, in this film my role is to WEAR IMPROBABLE CLOTHING and DO SOME IMPROBABLE PHYSICAL THINGS. Athos, that was SO AWESOME, I shall FLIRT WITH YOU and KISS YOU in my IMPROBABLE costume instead of CONTINUING ON OUR MISSION. And ALSO take a moment to critique your style of greeting, to WARN the audience that ROMANTIC DIALOGUE will NOT be a strength of this film.
Aramis: Hi, I'm Aramis. In the novels and previous films, I am a courtly soldier tormented by the competing aims of priest and warrior, eventually becoming a Jesuit, displaying my intelligence, logic and education. In this film, I get to pray before DIVEBOMBING from a ROOFTOP onto a GONDOLA. Remarkably enough, this will not TOPPLE THE GONDOLA.
Screenwriters: Ok, we're ABSOLUTELY stuck. What would a WANNABE Jesuit with a MAJOR SEX DRIVE say after TAKING an 80 FOOT SWAN DIVE and LANDING ON A GONDOLA?
Producers: Have you tried watching previous films?
Screenwriters: Word for word dialogue from The Princess Bride it is then!
Venetian lady of dubious virtue: Got time for a quickie?
Aramis: If it will establish my questionable virtue, sure!
Porthos: Hi, I'm Porthos. In the novels, I have a rich and varied life. In the film, I believe that French spies are BEYOND SEXY. To DEMONSTRATE, I shall PULL THESE RESTRAINTS and IRON CHAINS OUT OF A STONE WALL and then KILL ALMOST EVERYONE WITH THEM, which MAY NOT BE PART of the usual BDSM scene but does demonstrate that I would make a TERRIBLE SUB, along with STRONGLY SUGGESTING that you guys need to PAY YOUR STONEMASONS a bit more.
The Three Musketeers and Milady, arrive at the ENTRANCE of Da Vinci's vault, which for an unexplained reason IS IN VENICE.
Athos: This extraordinary vault was DESIGNED by DA VINCI himself to be COMPLETELY INPENETRABLE. Let's open it with three keys.
Steps OPEN in the floor. Milady and the Musketeers WALK DOWN into the vault, which conveniently enough is SUDDENLY LIT UP by AUTOMATIC FLAMING TORCHES.
Athos: Wait! Scuba diving, 80 foot jumps and pulling chains from walls to get here was just TOO EASY. It MUST BE A TRAP.
Milady SETS OFF THE TRAP. Fortunately, since she has SEEN the INDIANA JONES FILMS this trap is based on, she is EASILY ABLE TO SLIDE BENEATH the MULTIPLE IRON WEAPONS coming out to HIT her, HARDLY DAMAGING her REMARKABLE GOWN or her GOLDEN RUFF. Also fortunately, this DISARMS the traps, allowing the Musketeers to RUSH FORWARD and RIFLE THROUGH Da Vinci's PRICELESS SCROLLS, even though these SHOULD BE NOTEBOOKS. All of this noise ALERTS the GUARDS who RUSH DOWN THE STAIRS and begin SHOOTING AT THE MUSKETEERS, who decide to EXPLODE THE CEILING OF THE VAULT, allowing FILTHY SEAWATER TO FILL THE VAULT, IMMEDIATELY DESTROYING all of Da Vinci's priceless scrolls but ALLOWING the Musketeers to escape by SWIMMING.
Milady: Before I begin my cursed but inevitable betrayal, let me change into another fabulously improbable gown, noting as an aside that for a film that's about to become very obsessed with fashion statements and what exactly everybody was wearing in 1624 (or whenever) I will merrily be flipping between the Tudor, Restoration and late 18th century periods. With fabulous hats. Anyway! Here's Buckingham. I'm kinda working with him.
Musketeers FALL over, either in SHOCK at the HORROR that is Buckingham's WIG or BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN DRUGGED. It's difficult to tell.
Buckingham: Time for my first evil speech! Trust no one! Especially women, because they, you know, LIVE LONGER, if we ignore that entire DYING YOUNG THROUGH PREGNANCY thing that is such a feature of this age! And now, time for me to start trusting Milady! Let's not focus on the CONTRADICTIONS here. Instead, I shall fill the film with an EVIL LAUGH.
A badly cast D'Artagnan: Hi, I'm supposed to be D'Artagnan, the chief hero of the film. You can be forgiven for not believing this.
D'Artagnan's kindly father: Your adversary will not always be noble. Or, in this film, convincing. Here! Take the sword! And my horse, Buttercup! Now, go! Make mistakes!
D'Artagnan: Can do that, starting in the next scene, where I will CHALLENGE A ONE EYED NOBLE to a duel because he has INSULTED BUTTERCUP.
Evil one eyed count: This is ridiculous. Shoot D'Artagnan.
To everyone's disappointment, except for maybe Buttercup's, the shot MISSES.
Evil one eyed count: Ok then, shoot the guy responsible for caring for my guns. Meanwhile, I'll just cut through D'Artagnan's chest with this TRUSTY SWORD.
Milady: Oh, don't. He's too good looking.
To their credit, even the EXTRAS appear unable to believe this.
Milady: Ok, I may have exaggerated that bit. But, you know, we are in a kinda rush here. Plus, the more time he's on screen, the more nuanced and delightful your performance will seem in comparison.
A not very wounded D'Artagnan arrives in a SURPRISINGLY CLEAN CGI Paris and immediately HITS ATHOS and PORTHOS while Aramis WRITES BUTTERCUP a TICKET for being an UNCLEAN HORSE.
D'Artagnan: To speed this film up, I shall challenge you all to duels.
The Three Musketeers: Well, since this part is actually MORE OR LESS from the book, I guess we'll have to.
Cardinal Richelieu: Hi! I'm the evil mastermind of the film, played by Christoph Waltz. This casting coup would have been more successful if I showed any interest in actually BEING in this FILM. Meanwhile, I shall stand in front of this SYMBOLIC CHESSBOARD and PLAY WITH MYSELF, next to my GIANT TOY SOLIDERS and my fabulous floor which, REMARKABLY ENOUGH, is so advanced, it's showing 20th century geography. Oh, hi Milady. So glad you could CHANGE YOUR COSTUME AGAIN for us!
Milady: Terrible news! Buckingham is on his way! With a warship.
Louis: That is distressing. Now, let's move to the important bits: What is Buckingham WEARING?
D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis and Porthos SHOW UP for their DUEL, which is initially INTERRUPTED by some APPALLINGLY BAD ACTING on the part of D'Artagnan and some HASTY ATTEMPTS to MATCH HIS flat California accent on the part of the NICE BRITISH MUSKETEERS and later by some GUARDS. Fortunately, D'Artagnan is so ANNOYING that fighting BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE, destroying some PERFECTLY INNOCENT CONSTRUCTION projects along the way.
Constance: Since I'm not wearing a FABULOUS GOWN, I'll just, you know, stand here, while holding some flowers.
D'Artagnan: Unfortunately, this means I must halt the RATHER COOL FIGHT SCENES for some INEPT and BADLY ACCENTED flirting!
Evil Count: Please, please, KILL him.
Audience: Yes. Please.
Constance: I thought the French were supposed to be good at the flirting thing.
D'Artagnan: I think it's becoming increasingly obvious that, whatever my name and original inspiration, I'm not French.
Guard: To, um, demonstrate the quality of our weapons, I'll just BREAK this sword over my knee.
Porthos: I think it's time for a mildly sexist statement! And some exposition.
Some RANDOM NUNS appear.
Athos: The king sucks! France sucks! Trust no one! Is there NO FILM this script will not steal dialogue from?
Porthos: Clearly time for some more dialogue ripped off from The Princess Bride!
Servant: Hi! I'm the loyal houseboy, providing excellent service despite not getting any wages for months! Despite this, I am fat, and thus a FIGURE OF FUN who can be HUMILIATED for the rest of the film by all of the SKINNY PEOPLE. Also, even though I have a better accent and better delivery of my lines than D'Artagnan, I must sleep on the balcony BENEATH PIGEONS. It's not clear why this film hates fat people so much.
Cardinal and Louis PLAY chess.
Cardinal: I think you should castle.
Louis: Well, I'm in check, making that an illegal move, but sure!
Cardinal: Checkmate!
Louis: You'd think I would have seen that coming. Allow me to SULK and TOSS CHESS PIECES on your inaccurate map. Buckingham BORES me.
Cardinal: Well, I do have some musketeers for you to punish.
Louis: Hi, musketeers and D'Artagnan from California, and welcome to Versailles, which is RATHER REMARKABLE given that MY SON hasn't had a chance to BUILD IT YET, although that kinda FITS IN with all of the 20th century maps. My, I'm remarkably nervous and uncertain for someone that could have anyone here executed with a single word. Do you like my ridiculous hat?
D'Artagnan: I shall interrupt this painful scene with even MORE painful FLIRTING.
Anne: To stop that, I shall point out that boys shall be boys. Even if these are terribly dressed boys.
Louis: That's true. None of them have REMARKABLE HATS. Here's some purses of gold, and come to tomorrow's parade.
Cardinal: About that whole punishing thing.
Anne: Oh, the king knows how to rule just fine.
Cardinal: Good god. Milady, for the sake of the kingdom, who has a queen who thinks LOUIS is COMPETENT, you must help me get rid of Anne! I know! Let's STEAL her VALUABLE diamond necklace and GIVE it to Buckingham to PROVE that she's been sleeping around!
Milady: ...and this is proof of adultery how again?
Cardinal: Well, it's kinda like the book. Which we are supposed to be kinda like. Roll with it.
Milady: Ok, but are you at all worried that this bit of exposition, the closest to the book so far, is hands down the most confusing and dull part of the film?
Buckingham ARRIVES by PIRATE AIRSHIP, wearing a FABULOUS HAT that OUTDOES the OTHER FABULOUS HATS.
Louis, sulking: Why don't I have a fabulous airship? I mean, I HAVE the fabulous hat!
Me: Why does anyone have a fabulous airship?
S: I'm bored with the hats.
Athos: I shall explain! The airship and the hats are all so you will REMEMBER Buckingham, which says something about Buckingham. Or the actor. Or the script. Let's go back to the hats.
Buckingham: To keep this film period, I shall now say the word "retro." Anne! Hi! Where's your hat? Musketeers! Hi!
Louis: Buckingham. You seem to have met everyone in this film!
Buckingham: It's the hats. Who is this guy, and what's with his accent?
Louis: The producers spent money on the hats instead of the cast.
Buckingham: Well. That explains a lot.
Buckingham FLOUNCES off.
Milady, wearing still another IMPROBABLE OUTFIT, CLIMBS to the top of the QUEEN'S WING where she KILLS some guards and UNEXPECTEDLY STRIPS.
Film: To continue our self-destructive streak, let's interrupt this clothes stripping scene for yet another PAINFULLY AWKWARD scene between Constance and D'Artagnan.
Hats: Here we come to save the film again!
Fortunately, before audience members can DIG OUT THEIR EYEBALLS, the camera RETURNS to Milady, who now, in an improbable combination of underwear poses PROVOCATIVELY on the roof, incidentally creating the MOST AMUSING SCENE in the movie, before JUMPING OFF.
Louis: D'Artagnan! Although I am surrounded by FRENCH PEOPLE, I inexplicably need YOUR romantic advice!
Audience: This is dull! More jumping off roofs in underwear shots!
Louis: Anne! How are you! I am wearing blue! [Real dialogue.]
Audience: WE'RE BEGGING YOU.
Milady PULLS DOCUMENTS out of her UNDERWEAR and goes off AFTER THE NECKLACE, which surprisingly enough is protected by MONOFILAMENT FIBERS and a SUPER SECURITY SYSTEM that would not be out of place during the 21st century. Luckily, since she is not wearing a fabulous hat at the moment, Milady is able to SLIDE UNDER EVERYTHING AGAIN and TAKE THE NECKLACE.
Cardinal: And now that you have this immensely valuable necklace that could doubtless help France in any number of financial disasters, I need you to take it to the Tower of London and give it to our greatest enemy, Buckingham. Here! Have a powerful document that says you are doing everything under my authority and we're all cool with this.
Buckingham and Milady FLY OFF to London.
Louis: Oh, Cardinal! We found these COMPROMISING DOCUMENTS in Anne's desk. I think - I think she's HAVING AN AFFAIR.
Cardinal: Only one way to find out! Have a party, and tell Anne to wear her necklace! If she can't, well, then you know.
Louis: As opposed to, I don't know, ASKING her to show me the necklace?
Cardinal: We do have several more minutes of film to cover, and we need at least a chance for an upbeat ending.
Anne: Cardinal! I KNOW what you are doing!
Cardinal: That's kinda surprising, given that by this point, NO ONE ELSE does, and by no one else, I mean the script.
Constance: Oh, D'Artagnan. If you want me to make out with you, you need to go to the Tower of London and steal back Anne's necklace, just cause.
Porthos: Time for another sexist comment in favor of this plan!
D'Artagnan: Time for me to make more meaningless statements!
Evil count: Ok, I CANNOT TAKE THE ACCENT ANYMORE. Kill D'Artagnan!
Soldiers SURROUND the house of the Musketeers as the servant TAUNTS THEM from the balcony, giving the Musketeers JUST ENOUGH TIME to ESCAPE BY HORSE.
Evil count: Maybe I should plan on putting some more resources into training these guys. Cardinal! The, um, Musketeers are kinda on their way to England.
Constance: Even though we haven't been seen so far, clearly, you need a distraction. So, although I look NOTHING AT ALL like D'Artagnan I shall PRETEND TO BE HIM.
Soldiers, seeing Constance: Fortunately, the film has already established that we are SO BADLY TRAINED we will EASILY FALL FOR THIS.
Musketeer servant: Meanwhile, although it's NOT AT ALL CLEAR how I JOINED YOU GUYS, given that you were CHARGING AWAY ON HORSES while I was UP ON THE BALCONY, I will continue to BEAR YOUR BURDENS and HOPE TO BE USEFUL.
Milady: Buckingham, I do believe it is time for another FABULOUS OUTFIT while I EXPLAIN Athos' STRATEGY.
Athos: I know Milady knows how we work. Therefore, I shall do something unexpected, like, not trying to go scuba diving towards the Tower of London while wearing steel.
Tower of London guards: D'Artagnan, we were just planning to arrest you, but the delivery of your lines is SO TERRIBLE that we also have to HIT YOU.
Milady: I am a skilled and dangerous spy and assassin who knows full well that my ex-lover is coming after me with murder in his heart. Therefore, I shall step into this carriage without once bothering to take a look at the coachman.
D'Artagnan and Buckingham exchange some PAINFULLY EVIL dialogue which is FORTUNATELY INTERRUPTED by CANNONBALLS flung from an AIRSHIP. Everything CATCHES ON FIRE. With the help of some OBVIOUS greenscreening, D'Artagnan LEAPS from the TOWER OF LONDON and LANDS on the AIRSHIP as BACK IN FRANCE the Cardinal's forces ARREST Constance.
Buckingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOS!
Athos: And now that we've gone through that whole attack just to retrieve the necklace, I shall now reveal that I knew all along that the necklace was NEVER in the Tower of London at all and I just RISKED YOUR LIVES for pretty much nothing. It's not clear WHY I hate you all so much. Let's go kidnap Milady by DRAGGING HER AND HER CARRIAGE UP into the sky and through this CONVENIENT HOLE at the bottom of the airship.
Milady: I don't understand. You refused to kill Buckingham, and yet you are going to kill me? I'm so much hotter! Plus, look at my fabulous hat! And I haven't been able to poison Constance yet, a scene which, trust me, the audience is waiting for! Athos! Athos!
Milady PLUNGES DOWN DOWN DOWN into the sea, although we do not SEE HER HIT the water or SEE HER BODY for reasons that will BECOME EVIDENT at the end of the film and are PRETTY OBVIOUS NOW.
Louis and the Cardinal: Let's have another chat while wearing RIDICULOUS HATS.
Airship SAILS over France until it is not at all unexpectedly APPROACHED by ANOTHER AIRSHIP with a GRINNING SKELETON at its prow holding Constance.
Evil count: So, we were kinda lying earlier about that whole not having a ship thing. So, what have we learned from this?
Athos: How to act?
Evil count: You, Aramis and Porthos, sure. The rest of us...
D'Artagnan: What to do? On the one hand, the VERY EXISTENCE OF FRANCE is at stake, although to be frank at this point EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN WHY. On the other hand, there's this CHICK that I've had some AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS WITH who has truthfully pointed out that I'm the most inept French lover EVER.
Athos: D'Artagnan, even though this movie has taught me nothing except that LOVE IS EVIL and WOMEN ARE WORSE, you should, you know, try to save the girl.
D'Artagnan: Ok, Evil Count! Even though you are EVIL, and INSULTED my horse, and even though this trade will mean FORCING the supposed love of my live to WALK TO ME over a narrow gangplank OVER SOME CLOUDS, let's deal. I'll bring you the necklace. Wait. Given that we're flying ABOVE THE CLOUDS, how is anyone BREATHING?
Evil Count: You have bigger problems! Now that I have you and the necklace, I'm going to shoot down your ship!
Musketeers: Crap! We'll never be able to outrun them!
Constance: Fortunately for us all, I've SEEN Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan! Quick! Into those STORMY CLOUDS which were NOWHERE TO BE SEEN just a few minutes ago!
Even though the Musketeer airship was supposedly UNABLE to outrun the EVIL AIRSHIP WITH THE SKELETON, it suddenly OUTRUNS the evil airship, DUCKING INTO THE CLOUDS, so that BOTH SHIPS can risk a COPYRIGHT LAWSUIT and REENACT the great spaceship battle from Wrath of Khan only with CONSIDERABLY WORSE special effects. Lightning dances over EVERYTHING. D'Artagnan suddenly ENCOUNTERS NINJAS.
Evil count: Your problem is that you spend too much time reading books and not enough time anticipating ninja attacks.
Musketeers finally manage to FIRE ON THE EVIL AIRSHIP, tearing its BLIMP LIKE PART sending the airship PLUNGING towards the GROUND. Astonishingly enough, this plunge of SEVERAL HUNDRED METERS does not stop ANY OF THE SWORD FIGHTING. Conveniently enough, the storm has STEERED EVERYONE to PARIS, allowing the EVIL AIRSHIP TO SLAM ON NOTRE DAME, which does not deserve this sort of thing.
Gargoyles TOPPLE TO THE GROUND. The little computer people on the ground remain REMARKABLY CALM about this, one of several good reasons for TAKING UP A DIGITAL LIFE. Aramis and Porthos, having RUN OUT OF SCENES to steal from the various Pirates films, LEAP to the EVIL AIRSHIP, landing on the BLIMP BALLOON part and slicing it open before FALLING INTO THE SHIP and standing up to do MORE SWORDFIGHTING. The ship FALLS ON NOTRE DAME AGAIN as the steeple PLUNGES through the ship. Evil Count and D'Artagnan seize the moment for a little SWORDFIGHTING on the edge of the ONE ROOF not COVERED BY CRASHED AIRSHIPS. D'Artagnan FALLS ON A GARGOYLE, which does not IMPROVE his appearance, before finally KICKING the EVIL COUNT off the roof.
D'Artagnan: You should have apologized to my horse! [Real dialogue.]
Movie FAILS to take this moment to UPDATE US on Buttercup's fate, which remains UNRESOLVED even by the end of the film, instead showing us the Musketeers landing their MOSTLY BROKEN AIRSHIP at Versailles.
Cardinal: Ok, that does it. NOW you need to arrest these men!
Louis: Should I even ask?
Athos: I shall play upon your OBVIOUS POLITICAL NAIVETE and tell you a story of mingled truth and lies, one which puts the Cardinal in a surprisingly decent light, given that he's spent the entire film WORKING AGAINST US.
Cardinal: Well, I'm kinda needed for the sequel.
Audience, in horror:...sequel? What sequel? Look, Louis and Anne are dancing since she is WEARING the necklace again! D'Artagnan and Constance are...well, they're on the screen. Regrettably so. So, again, what sequel?
Film, in mingled triumph and horror: THIS SEQUEL.
Camera PULLS BACK to show us Milady, STILL ALIVE despite plunging 10,000 feet into the cold English Channel, shivering in another FABULOUS costume on one of Buckingham's MANY MANY SEA AND AIRSHIPS currently ON THEIR WAY TO FRANCE, before fading to the CREDITS which assure us this film was based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas.
C, critically: More that you've HEARD of the novel.
***********
I did not make up the name of the horse. Really. I can tell that some of you will be accusing me of making up the name of the horse, but, really, not.
But before I get into the snark, first, a disclaimer: about midway through the movie, the theatre, for whatever reason, decided to turn on the heat, making me a bit dizzy and forcing me to pause and pull off my sweater, causing me to miss some of the Star Trek moments.
Second, three warnings: one, as reader
thette has correctly noted, those of you with an interest in accuracy in your historical costuming should probably avoid this film, however spectacular the hats. Two, those of you with no interest in accuracy in your historical costuming may well find yourself distracted by the hats. And three, seeing this movie while accompanied by a chemist may well result in an upset or distracted chemist who will point out the various places where the film got the physics wrong. This includes some stuff with the hats.
Third, portions of this film were actually - hold your shock - almost ok, particularly the bits focusing on the Three Musketeers who are all fairly decent in their roles, although the actor playing D'Artagnan should never be allowed near a period piece or, for that matter, a camera again.
The rest, however, demands snark. A lot of snark.
Film BEGINS by DIRECTLY RIPPING OFF Game of Thrones, which is a less encouraging sign than you might think, with some OPENING CREDITS focusing on and zooming over a RATHER INACCURATE map of what is apparently MEANT to be 17th (or, maybe 18th) century Europe, dotted with towns and images of LITTLE TOY SOLDIERS, who are EMOTING BETTER than the LIVE ACTORS will later on in the film. Voiceover tells us that Louis and Anne are SURROUNDED by enemies and don't have ANY FRIENDS AT ALL. It is all very sad.
Film: Quick! Switch to something more entertaining and slightly less of a ripoff, like, Venice!
Camera shifts to zoom over a remarkably FAKE LOOKING Venice, aided by a HELPFUL NOTE telling us that we are in VENICE. A sad soldier in armor is GUARDING SOME WATERY STEPS.
Athos: Hi, I'm Athos, the sort of leader of the Musketeers in this film. That's all the backstory or character info you're going to get. For reasons that DEFY PHYSICS and CHEMISTRY, I have decided to GO SCUBA DIVING in Venice WHILE WEARING STEEL ALL OVER MY HEAD and some of my body. Those of you hoping that this is an INTELLIGENT REFERENCE to The Man in the Iron Mask should probably quell those hopes. And now, I shall pull out two collapsible crossbows, remarkably UNCORRODED by the salt water, and SHOOT EVERYONE.
Milady: Hi! I'm Milady. Although you might remember me from previous incarnations as a GIFTED, INCURABLY EVIL assassin and seductress, in this film my role is to WEAR IMPROBABLE CLOTHING and DO SOME IMPROBABLE PHYSICAL THINGS. Athos, that was SO AWESOME, I shall FLIRT WITH YOU and KISS YOU in my IMPROBABLE costume instead of CONTINUING ON OUR MISSION. And ALSO take a moment to critique your style of greeting, to WARN the audience that ROMANTIC DIALOGUE will NOT be a strength of this film.
Aramis: Hi, I'm Aramis. In the novels and previous films, I am a courtly soldier tormented by the competing aims of priest and warrior, eventually becoming a Jesuit, displaying my intelligence, logic and education. In this film, I get to pray before DIVEBOMBING from a ROOFTOP onto a GONDOLA. Remarkably enough, this will not TOPPLE THE GONDOLA.
Screenwriters: Ok, we're ABSOLUTELY stuck. What would a WANNABE Jesuit with a MAJOR SEX DRIVE say after TAKING an 80 FOOT SWAN DIVE and LANDING ON A GONDOLA?
Producers: Have you tried watching previous films?
Screenwriters: Word for word dialogue from The Princess Bride it is then!
Venetian lady of dubious virtue: Got time for a quickie?
Aramis: If it will establish my questionable virtue, sure!
Porthos: Hi, I'm Porthos. In the novels, I have a rich and varied life. In the film, I believe that French spies are BEYOND SEXY. To DEMONSTRATE, I shall PULL THESE RESTRAINTS and IRON CHAINS OUT OF A STONE WALL and then KILL ALMOST EVERYONE WITH THEM, which MAY NOT BE PART of the usual BDSM scene but does demonstrate that I would make a TERRIBLE SUB, along with STRONGLY SUGGESTING that you guys need to PAY YOUR STONEMASONS a bit more.
The Three Musketeers and Milady, arrive at the ENTRANCE of Da Vinci's vault, which for an unexplained reason IS IN VENICE.
Athos: This extraordinary vault was DESIGNED by DA VINCI himself to be COMPLETELY INPENETRABLE. Let's open it with three keys.
Steps OPEN in the floor. Milady and the Musketeers WALK DOWN into the vault, which conveniently enough is SUDDENLY LIT UP by AUTOMATIC FLAMING TORCHES.
Athos: Wait! Scuba diving, 80 foot jumps and pulling chains from walls to get here was just TOO EASY. It MUST BE A TRAP.
Milady SETS OFF THE TRAP. Fortunately, since she has SEEN the INDIANA JONES FILMS this trap is based on, she is EASILY ABLE TO SLIDE BENEATH the MULTIPLE IRON WEAPONS coming out to HIT her, HARDLY DAMAGING her REMARKABLE GOWN or her GOLDEN RUFF. Also fortunately, this DISARMS the traps, allowing the Musketeers to RUSH FORWARD and RIFLE THROUGH Da Vinci's PRICELESS SCROLLS, even though these SHOULD BE NOTEBOOKS. All of this noise ALERTS the GUARDS who RUSH DOWN THE STAIRS and begin SHOOTING AT THE MUSKETEERS, who decide to EXPLODE THE CEILING OF THE VAULT, allowing FILTHY SEAWATER TO FILL THE VAULT, IMMEDIATELY DESTROYING all of Da Vinci's priceless scrolls but ALLOWING the Musketeers to escape by SWIMMING.
Milady: Before I begin my cursed but inevitable betrayal, let me change into another fabulously improbable gown, noting as an aside that for a film that's about to become very obsessed with fashion statements and what exactly everybody was wearing in 1624 (or whenever) I will merrily be flipping between the Tudor, Restoration and late 18th century periods. With fabulous hats. Anyway! Here's Buckingham. I'm kinda working with him.
Musketeers FALL over, either in SHOCK at the HORROR that is Buckingham's WIG or BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN DRUGGED. It's difficult to tell.
Buckingham: Time for my first evil speech! Trust no one! Especially women, because they, you know, LIVE LONGER, if we ignore that entire DYING YOUNG THROUGH PREGNANCY thing that is such a feature of this age! And now, time for me to start trusting Milady! Let's not focus on the CONTRADICTIONS here. Instead, I shall fill the film with an EVIL LAUGH.
A badly cast D'Artagnan: Hi, I'm supposed to be D'Artagnan, the chief hero of the film. You can be forgiven for not believing this.
D'Artagnan's kindly father: Your adversary will not always be noble. Or, in this film, convincing. Here! Take the sword! And my horse, Buttercup! Now, go! Make mistakes!
D'Artagnan: Can do that, starting in the next scene, where I will CHALLENGE A ONE EYED NOBLE to a duel because he has INSULTED BUTTERCUP.
Evil one eyed count: This is ridiculous. Shoot D'Artagnan.
To everyone's disappointment, except for maybe Buttercup's, the shot MISSES.
Evil one eyed count: Ok then, shoot the guy responsible for caring for my guns. Meanwhile, I'll just cut through D'Artagnan's chest with this TRUSTY SWORD.
Milady: Oh, don't. He's too good looking.
To their credit, even the EXTRAS appear unable to believe this.
Milady: Ok, I may have exaggerated that bit. But, you know, we are in a kinda rush here. Plus, the more time he's on screen, the more nuanced and delightful your performance will seem in comparison.
A not very wounded D'Artagnan arrives in a SURPRISINGLY CLEAN CGI Paris and immediately HITS ATHOS and PORTHOS while Aramis WRITES BUTTERCUP a TICKET for being an UNCLEAN HORSE.
D'Artagnan: To speed this film up, I shall challenge you all to duels.
The Three Musketeers: Well, since this part is actually MORE OR LESS from the book, I guess we'll have to.
Cardinal Richelieu: Hi! I'm the evil mastermind of the film, played by Christoph Waltz. This casting coup would have been more successful if I showed any interest in actually BEING in this FILM. Meanwhile, I shall stand in front of this SYMBOLIC CHESSBOARD and PLAY WITH MYSELF, next to my GIANT TOY SOLIDERS and my fabulous floor which, REMARKABLY ENOUGH, is so advanced, it's showing 20th century geography. Oh, hi Milady. So glad you could CHANGE YOUR COSTUME AGAIN for us!
Milady: Terrible news! Buckingham is on his way! With a warship.
Louis: That is distressing. Now, let's move to the important bits: What is Buckingham WEARING?
D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis and Porthos SHOW UP for their DUEL, which is initially INTERRUPTED by some APPALLINGLY BAD ACTING on the part of D'Artagnan and some HASTY ATTEMPTS to MATCH HIS flat California accent on the part of the NICE BRITISH MUSKETEERS and later by some GUARDS. Fortunately, D'Artagnan is so ANNOYING that fighting BREAKS OUT EVERYWHERE, destroying some PERFECTLY INNOCENT CONSTRUCTION projects along the way.
Constance: Since I'm not wearing a FABULOUS GOWN, I'll just, you know, stand here, while holding some flowers.
D'Artagnan: Unfortunately, this means I must halt the RATHER COOL FIGHT SCENES for some INEPT and BADLY ACCENTED flirting!
Evil Count: Please, please, KILL him.
Audience: Yes. Please.
Constance: I thought the French were supposed to be good at the flirting thing.
D'Artagnan: I think it's becoming increasingly obvious that, whatever my name and original inspiration, I'm not French.
Guard: To, um, demonstrate the quality of our weapons, I'll just BREAK this sword over my knee.
Porthos: I think it's time for a mildly sexist statement! And some exposition.
Some RANDOM NUNS appear.
Athos: The king sucks! France sucks! Trust no one! Is there NO FILM this script will not steal dialogue from?
Porthos: Clearly time for some more dialogue ripped off from The Princess Bride!
Servant: Hi! I'm the loyal houseboy, providing excellent service despite not getting any wages for months! Despite this, I am fat, and thus a FIGURE OF FUN who can be HUMILIATED for the rest of the film by all of the SKINNY PEOPLE. Also, even though I have a better accent and better delivery of my lines than D'Artagnan, I must sleep on the balcony BENEATH PIGEONS. It's not clear why this film hates fat people so much.
Cardinal and Louis PLAY chess.
Cardinal: I think you should castle.
Louis: Well, I'm in check, making that an illegal move, but sure!
Cardinal: Checkmate!
Louis: You'd think I would have seen that coming. Allow me to SULK and TOSS CHESS PIECES on your inaccurate map. Buckingham BORES me.
Cardinal: Well, I do have some musketeers for you to punish.
Louis: Hi, musketeers and D'Artagnan from California, and welcome to Versailles, which is RATHER REMARKABLE given that MY SON hasn't had a chance to BUILD IT YET, although that kinda FITS IN with all of the 20th century maps. My, I'm remarkably nervous and uncertain for someone that could have anyone here executed with a single word. Do you like my ridiculous hat?
D'Artagnan: I shall interrupt this painful scene with even MORE painful FLIRTING.
Anne: To stop that, I shall point out that boys shall be boys. Even if these are terribly dressed boys.
Louis: That's true. None of them have REMARKABLE HATS. Here's some purses of gold, and come to tomorrow's parade.
Cardinal: About that whole punishing thing.
Anne: Oh, the king knows how to rule just fine.
Cardinal: Good god. Milady, for the sake of the kingdom, who has a queen who thinks LOUIS is COMPETENT, you must help me get rid of Anne! I know! Let's STEAL her VALUABLE diamond necklace and GIVE it to Buckingham to PROVE that she's been sleeping around!
Milady: ...and this is proof of adultery how again?
Cardinal: Well, it's kinda like the book. Which we are supposed to be kinda like. Roll with it.
Milady: Ok, but are you at all worried that this bit of exposition, the closest to the book so far, is hands down the most confusing and dull part of the film?
Buckingham ARRIVES by PIRATE AIRSHIP, wearing a FABULOUS HAT that OUTDOES the OTHER FABULOUS HATS.
Louis, sulking: Why don't I have a fabulous airship? I mean, I HAVE the fabulous hat!
Me: Why does anyone have a fabulous airship?
S: I'm bored with the hats.
Athos: I shall explain! The airship and the hats are all so you will REMEMBER Buckingham, which says something about Buckingham. Or the actor. Or the script. Let's go back to the hats.
Buckingham: To keep this film period, I shall now say the word "retro." Anne! Hi! Where's your hat? Musketeers! Hi!
Louis: Buckingham. You seem to have met everyone in this film!
Buckingham: It's the hats. Who is this guy, and what's with his accent?
Louis: The producers spent money on the hats instead of the cast.
Buckingham: Well. That explains a lot.
Buckingham FLOUNCES off.
Milady, wearing still another IMPROBABLE OUTFIT, CLIMBS to the top of the QUEEN'S WING where she KILLS some guards and UNEXPECTEDLY STRIPS.
Film: To continue our self-destructive streak, let's interrupt this clothes stripping scene for yet another PAINFULLY AWKWARD scene between Constance and D'Artagnan.
Hats: Here we come to save the film again!
Fortunately, before audience members can DIG OUT THEIR EYEBALLS, the camera RETURNS to Milady, who now, in an improbable combination of underwear poses PROVOCATIVELY on the roof, incidentally creating the MOST AMUSING SCENE in the movie, before JUMPING OFF.
Louis: D'Artagnan! Although I am surrounded by FRENCH PEOPLE, I inexplicably need YOUR romantic advice!
Audience: This is dull! More jumping off roofs in underwear shots!
Louis: Anne! How are you! I am wearing blue! [Real dialogue.]
Audience: WE'RE BEGGING YOU.
Milady PULLS DOCUMENTS out of her UNDERWEAR and goes off AFTER THE NECKLACE, which surprisingly enough is protected by MONOFILAMENT FIBERS and a SUPER SECURITY SYSTEM that would not be out of place during the 21st century. Luckily, since she is not wearing a fabulous hat at the moment, Milady is able to SLIDE UNDER EVERYTHING AGAIN and TAKE THE NECKLACE.
Cardinal: And now that you have this immensely valuable necklace that could doubtless help France in any number of financial disasters, I need you to take it to the Tower of London and give it to our greatest enemy, Buckingham. Here! Have a powerful document that says you are doing everything under my authority and we're all cool with this.
Buckingham and Milady FLY OFF to London.
Louis: Oh, Cardinal! We found these COMPROMISING DOCUMENTS in Anne's desk. I think - I think she's HAVING AN AFFAIR.
Cardinal: Only one way to find out! Have a party, and tell Anne to wear her necklace! If she can't, well, then you know.
Louis: As opposed to, I don't know, ASKING her to show me the necklace?
Cardinal: We do have several more minutes of film to cover, and we need at least a chance for an upbeat ending.
Anne: Cardinal! I KNOW what you are doing!
Cardinal: That's kinda surprising, given that by this point, NO ONE ELSE does, and by no one else, I mean the script.
Constance: Oh, D'Artagnan. If you want me to make out with you, you need to go to the Tower of London and steal back Anne's necklace, just cause.
Porthos: Time for another sexist comment in favor of this plan!
D'Artagnan: Time for me to make more meaningless statements!
Evil count: Ok, I CANNOT TAKE THE ACCENT ANYMORE. Kill D'Artagnan!
Soldiers SURROUND the house of the Musketeers as the servant TAUNTS THEM from the balcony, giving the Musketeers JUST ENOUGH TIME to ESCAPE BY HORSE.
Evil count: Maybe I should plan on putting some more resources into training these guys. Cardinal! The, um, Musketeers are kinda on their way to England.
Constance: Even though we haven't been seen so far, clearly, you need a distraction. So, although I look NOTHING AT ALL like D'Artagnan I shall PRETEND TO BE HIM.
Soldiers, seeing Constance: Fortunately, the film has already established that we are SO BADLY TRAINED we will EASILY FALL FOR THIS.
Musketeer servant: Meanwhile, although it's NOT AT ALL CLEAR how I JOINED YOU GUYS, given that you were CHARGING AWAY ON HORSES while I was UP ON THE BALCONY, I will continue to BEAR YOUR BURDENS and HOPE TO BE USEFUL.
Milady: Buckingham, I do believe it is time for another FABULOUS OUTFIT while I EXPLAIN Athos' STRATEGY.
Athos: I know Milady knows how we work. Therefore, I shall do something unexpected, like, not trying to go scuba diving towards the Tower of London while wearing steel.
Tower of London guards: D'Artagnan, we were just planning to arrest you, but the delivery of your lines is SO TERRIBLE that we also have to HIT YOU.
Milady: I am a skilled and dangerous spy and assassin who knows full well that my ex-lover is coming after me with murder in his heart. Therefore, I shall step into this carriage without once bothering to take a look at the coachman.
D'Artagnan and Buckingham exchange some PAINFULLY EVIL dialogue which is FORTUNATELY INTERRUPTED by CANNONBALLS flung from an AIRSHIP. Everything CATCHES ON FIRE. With the help of some OBVIOUS greenscreening, D'Artagnan LEAPS from the TOWER OF LONDON and LANDS on the AIRSHIP as BACK IN FRANCE the Cardinal's forces ARREST Constance.
Buckingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOS!
Athos: And now that we've gone through that whole attack just to retrieve the necklace, I shall now reveal that I knew all along that the necklace was NEVER in the Tower of London at all and I just RISKED YOUR LIVES for pretty much nothing. It's not clear WHY I hate you all so much. Let's go kidnap Milady by DRAGGING HER AND HER CARRIAGE UP into the sky and through this CONVENIENT HOLE at the bottom of the airship.
Milady: I don't understand. You refused to kill Buckingham, and yet you are going to kill me? I'm so much hotter! Plus, look at my fabulous hat! And I haven't been able to poison Constance yet, a scene which, trust me, the audience is waiting for! Athos! Athos!
Milady PLUNGES DOWN DOWN DOWN into the sea, although we do not SEE HER HIT the water or SEE HER BODY for reasons that will BECOME EVIDENT at the end of the film and are PRETTY OBVIOUS NOW.
Louis and the Cardinal: Let's have another chat while wearing RIDICULOUS HATS.
Airship SAILS over France until it is not at all unexpectedly APPROACHED by ANOTHER AIRSHIP with a GRINNING SKELETON at its prow holding Constance.
Evil count: So, we were kinda lying earlier about that whole not having a ship thing. So, what have we learned from this?
Athos: How to act?
Evil count: You, Aramis and Porthos, sure. The rest of us...
D'Artagnan: What to do? On the one hand, the VERY EXISTENCE OF FRANCE is at stake, although to be frank at this point EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN WHY. On the other hand, there's this CHICK that I've had some AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS WITH who has truthfully pointed out that I'm the most inept French lover EVER.
Athos: D'Artagnan, even though this movie has taught me nothing except that LOVE IS EVIL and WOMEN ARE WORSE, you should, you know, try to save the girl.
D'Artagnan: Ok, Evil Count! Even though you are EVIL, and INSULTED my horse, and even though this trade will mean FORCING the supposed love of my live to WALK TO ME over a narrow gangplank OVER SOME CLOUDS, let's deal. I'll bring you the necklace. Wait. Given that we're flying ABOVE THE CLOUDS, how is anyone BREATHING?
Evil Count: You have bigger problems! Now that I have you and the necklace, I'm going to shoot down your ship!
Musketeers: Crap! We'll never be able to outrun them!
Constance: Fortunately for us all, I've SEEN Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan! Quick! Into those STORMY CLOUDS which were NOWHERE TO BE SEEN just a few minutes ago!
Even though the Musketeer airship was supposedly UNABLE to outrun the EVIL AIRSHIP WITH THE SKELETON, it suddenly OUTRUNS the evil airship, DUCKING INTO THE CLOUDS, so that BOTH SHIPS can risk a COPYRIGHT LAWSUIT and REENACT the great spaceship battle from Wrath of Khan only with CONSIDERABLY WORSE special effects. Lightning dances over EVERYTHING. D'Artagnan suddenly ENCOUNTERS NINJAS.
Evil count: Your problem is that you spend too much time reading books and not enough time anticipating ninja attacks.
Musketeers finally manage to FIRE ON THE EVIL AIRSHIP, tearing its BLIMP LIKE PART sending the airship PLUNGING towards the GROUND. Astonishingly enough, this plunge of SEVERAL HUNDRED METERS does not stop ANY OF THE SWORD FIGHTING. Conveniently enough, the storm has STEERED EVERYONE to PARIS, allowing the EVIL AIRSHIP TO SLAM ON NOTRE DAME, which does not deserve this sort of thing.
Gargoyles TOPPLE TO THE GROUND. The little computer people on the ground remain REMARKABLY CALM about this, one of several good reasons for TAKING UP A DIGITAL LIFE. Aramis and Porthos, having RUN OUT OF SCENES to steal from the various Pirates films, LEAP to the EVIL AIRSHIP, landing on the BLIMP BALLOON part and slicing it open before FALLING INTO THE SHIP and standing up to do MORE SWORDFIGHTING. The ship FALLS ON NOTRE DAME AGAIN as the steeple PLUNGES through the ship. Evil Count and D'Artagnan seize the moment for a little SWORDFIGHTING on the edge of the ONE ROOF not COVERED BY CRASHED AIRSHIPS. D'Artagnan FALLS ON A GARGOYLE, which does not IMPROVE his appearance, before finally KICKING the EVIL COUNT off the roof.
D'Artagnan: You should have apologized to my horse! [Real dialogue.]
Movie FAILS to take this moment to UPDATE US on Buttercup's fate, which remains UNRESOLVED even by the end of the film, instead showing us the Musketeers landing their MOSTLY BROKEN AIRSHIP at Versailles.
Cardinal: Ok, that does it. NOW you need to arrest these men!
Louis: Should I even ask?
Athos: I shall play upon your OBVIOUS POLITICAL NAIVETE and tell you a story of mingled truth and lies, one which puts the Cardinal in a surprisingly decent light, given that he's spent the entire film WORKING AGAINST US.
Cardinal: Well, I'm kinda needed for the sequel.
Audience, in horror:...sequel? What sequel? Look, Louis and Anne are dancing since she is WEARING the necklace again! D'Artagnan and Constance are...well, they're on the screen. Regrettably so. So, again, what sequel?
Film, in mingled triumph and horror: THIS SEQUEL.
Camera PULLS BACK to show us Milady, STILL ALIVE despite plunging 10,000 feet into the cold English Channel, shivering in another FABULOUS costume on one of Buckingham's MANY MANY SEA AND AIRSHIPS currently ON THEIR WAY TO FRANCE, before fading to the CREDITS which assure us this film was based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas.
C, critically: More that you've HEARD of the novel.
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I did not make up the name of the horse. Really. I can tell that some of you will be accusing me of making up the name of the horse, but, really, not.