Fic: A Pearl of Great Price
Fandom: Star Trek: The Original Series
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kirk/Spock, pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Warnings: Major character death
Disclaimer: As usual I own nothing, wish I did though, the extra cash would be great.
Summary: A piece of the triangle is lost before the three of them really realized what they had. Until Jim Kirk goes through the looking glass and learns about what might have been.
"Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
-Clarence, It's a Wonderful Life
A Pearl of Great Price
June 11th. He really should think of the date as a stardate, especially because it certainly isn’t June on the planet they just left, but Kirk frankly cannot give a damn. It was June 11th to him, and the date will live in Kirk’s mind in infamy. The day…the day that Bones was killed and the day he effectively died too.
They were able to bring the body back at least, and Kirk now stood in the doorway of the room where he lay. Just that morning he had been complaining about the mission over his daily dose of coffee and now…Kirk breathed heavily and pounded his fist against the doorframe; he could do this, he needed to do this.
Kirk walked softly over to the bed, pulled the sheet back, and looked at his best friend’s face. His eyes were closed now and he was so still.
“Bones.”
Kirk blinked back tears as the sickly ironic thought invaded his mind that all he was, was skin and bones now. It felt like being punched in the stomach and Kirk let out a sound that was something between a sigh and a sob. This wasn’t helping at all, and he had really thought it would. That it would give him some sense of finality, but all it made him do was wish that those eyes would open one more time. He wished desperately to see Bones sit up and yell at him for being reckless one more time. Kirk’s knuckles turned white as he clenched the shroud; trying to will his best friend not to be gone. Not to leave him alone.
Eventually Kirk pulled the sheet back over his friend and then went to tell a twelve year old girl that, because of him, daddy was never coming home.
***
Kirk might as well have been permanently replaced with an android from Roger Corby’s experiments that they encountered a few weeks later. He became so stiff and formal to the crew. Smiles and nods to them when they passed in the corridors were no longer seen. Off hours that were once spent with Bones were replaced with filling out reports alone in his quarters. He should have spent more time with Scotty after work, or in the rec room, as he used to do when Bones was busy, but instead he pulled into himself. He didn’t want to get close to anyone again and lose them too.
He maintained a strong command team with Spock, but looks across the bridge that used to be held a second too long were gone. Kirk no longer touched Spock freely, and their sparring sessions were dropped in favour of Kirk pushing his body to the limit on his own; chess games stopped. Whatever they had started to build was left unfinished.
Until the day Kirk learned about Vulcan biology.
He hadn’t noticed the signs until it was too late. They’re new CMO was younger than Bones, eager to please. She deferred to those of higher rank in a way that Bones hadn’t. When Spock reported to sickbay as Kirk had ordered and then promptly left, she had let him go. That same night Kirk went to Spock to talk to him, and there Spock claimed him as his own.
Kirk knew that Bones would have been tougher, would have pushed Spock until he submitted. He would have found a solution to the problem that wasn’t…this.
The bond fluttered in the back of Kirk’s mind. It was both a blessing and a curse. To be so close to someone, never alone, and yet to know that even that could be stolen from him at anytime. Their connection was neither strengthening with time nor weakening either. It’s stagnation, and although Kirk won’t admit it that’s what his life has become. He goes out into space and does what his duty has told he must do, but there was no joy in it anymore. There was no thrill in discovery, no awe at meeting new races, and touching his feet on new worlds. He should have died with Bones that day, he should have died in Bones’ place, because he wasn’t living anymore.
***
They were in orbit around a planet for a simple mineral survey, but Kirk insisted on going down with Spock’s team. He needed to keep busy, to forget that they this day should have been about someone else. There was no one to celebrate for now.
As the landing party split up he entered one of the tunnels they were to study and his tricorder picked up an unusual signal. He looked up ahead, but didn’t see anything but more tunnel. Still the readings persisted. Kirk frowned but kept walking, his hand out stretched, until his fingertips hit something and the air shimmered. Startled Kirk backed away, the tricorder falling to the ground…but his fingers didn’t hurt and he found himself reaching out again. His fingers went all the way through that time and then he pushed himself completely through the barrier.
His whole body tingled as he shifted through it, and a moment later he found himself staring at his own reflection. Except that his reflection was scrawny and his uniform looked wrong. A wave of dizziness suddenly came over him and Kirk stumbled and fell against the rocks.
His reflection stepped away from him and his mouth dropped open.
“Bones!”
In a dizzy haze Kirk was certain he had wrong, until a voice responded.
“What is it?!”
His ears knew that voice, even after months of silence; that Southern accent that was an undercurrent in his every word; the mix of gruffness and concern. The sound of gravel heralded his approach and suddenly there he was.
His boots were covered in dirt, it looked like he had spilled coffee on his uniform, his hair was a bit ruffled, and those blue eyes…those beautiful blue eyes were open and shining and living.
Kirk promptly threw up and passed out.
***
He awoke to the smell of antiseptic and a dead man’s voice.
“He’s perfectly healthy, Jim. Muscles are a bit over-worked and I’ve treated a few residual injuries that it looked like he was treating himself for some reason, but there’s nothing wrong with him.”
“It is not a separation then?” another voice asked, and Kirk quickly recognized it as Spock’s.
“No,” McCoy answered. “His numbers are stable; and Jim hasn’t noticed any personality changes.”
Kirk felt a hand press against the hard, smooth, muscles of his stomach.
“And obviously he keeps on his diet.”
Kirk heard the sound of feet shuffling on the floor.
“Well maybe if everyone didn’t hover around about that.”
McCoy laughed and Kirk couldn’t stop his body from flinching at the sound. His heart seemed to cry out for what should have been. There’s a softness to the relationship that he and Bones hadn’t reached yet. He had not been sure how to blend professionalism with their long-time friendship so early into his time as a captain.
The voices had fallen silent and Kirk knew that they had seen him move. Knowing there was no point in trying to fake sleep he slowly opened his eyes. Not wanting to face McCoy Kirk quickly focused on the far end of the room. Spock stood there with his hands clasped behind his back, calmly stoic as always. Kirk furrowed his brows as he realized that Spock looked strange with brown eyes.
As he let his sight drift to…himself he supposed he realized why the other him looked different, besides the lack of muscle, he was wearing that green shirt. Kirk never did…he had been the day Bones had-
“You may re-join the land of the living anytime,” his counter-part said.
“I’m sorry?”
“This isn’t a sightseeing tour. Where did you come from? Why are you here?”
“I…didn’t intend to come here, so I have no reason for being here.”
“That’s not a detailed answer.”
Kirk glared.
“Well it’s the only one I’ve got right now,” he shot back.
Jim remained unconvinced of the man’s sincerity. He had already seen his darker half in the flesh, and had been to a universe where he was capable of unspeakable horrors, because that darker side was allowed dominance. Jim wasn’t keen on letting any version of himself off the hook with ‘I don’t know’ as an excuse, especially with the whole debacle with Scotty on Argelius II a few weeks before still fresh in his mind.
“Very well we can discover them through other means,Spock.”
The Vulcan nodded to his captain and made his way to the bed. He looked at Kirk with an expression of apology before his fingers pressed against his face and he began speaking familiar words.
“My mind to your mind.”
No! Kirk thought. He couldn’t let him see what had happened to his life! He shut his eyes but still felt the slow creep of the Vulcan into his mind. Quickly he focused on the bond, dull though it was at the moment. He let himself concentrate as Spock told him to do and shoved hard.
There was a gasp and Spock let go. Kirk opened his eyes again to see Spock slumped against his captain. McCoy had a hand on Spock’s back.
“Didn’t anyone tell you it’s rude to enter other people’s minds unannounced?” Kirk asked as he continued to observe them. How this world’s Jim still touched Spock so openly, he didn’t appear to be in any pain as Spock was though. They were not bonded then.
Spock straightened up.
“His mental defenses are very strong. I…don’t recommend another attempt.”
Jim glared at Kirk.
“Well you’ve proven yourself a worthy adversary.”
Cocky bastard that’s what he was, Kirk thought, but then the universe hadn’t kicked the wind out of him yet. Kirk stole a glance over to McCoy and managed not to flinch this time.
“It was not meant as a threat, merely self-defense,” Kirk responded evenly. “It wouldn’t have been safe for him to meld with me anyway.” The last thing Kirk needed to do was mess up some else’s universe too.
“Well we did think it was the best way to determine your true motives.”
“You could have asked…politely I mean.”
Having little else to do at the moment Jim did.
“My team was only exploring the planet for a simple mineral survey. I’m assuming your landing party was as well; we detected nothing unusual,” Kirk explained.
“Indeed,” Spock agreed. “As I said before, Captain, our scans did not reveal anything. Until you and Doctor McCoy reported back.”
“What have the scans revealed since then?” Jim asked.
“An abrupt surge in energy was detected near where you and this man were located. It was very brief, less than 10.87 minutes. The signal was simply there and then gone.”
“Like a door opening and closing,” Jim said thoughtfully. “Any ideas on when it might open again?”
“Unknown, Captain. We will continue to monitor the planet and study all readings.”
“Yes, and until we have more information we should keep our guest in the brig.”
“Is that really necessary? You seem to have me well contained,” Kirk said, lifting his arms up slightly to emphasize the straps that kept him pinned to the bed.
“I agree with him, Jim,” McCoy said. “We need to keep this from as many people as possible and taking him to the brig could risk that.”
“I agree with, Doctor McCoy,” Spock said. Ignoring McCoy’s mouth hanging open in shock he continued. “He can do very little at this time, and moving him with so many of the crew still on duty could be a potential problem.”
Jim set his jaw in determination.
“All right, Doctor, if you want to treat your medical ward as a prison than monitoring the prisoner is officially your responsibility.”
With that Jim turned to leave and Kirk frowned at his counter-parts now formal, almost frigid, approach to his friend, especially on his birthday of all days. They were on duty yes, but it was strange that there wasn’t something else. A quick pat on the shoulder, or a promise to meet him later for lunch, surly he couldn’t have forgotten?
“Yes, sir,” McCoy answered in stiff monotone.
Kirk just remained silent as Jim left the room, Spock close behind him. He didn’t protest the idea like he did the brig, because truthfully he didn’t want to leave sickbay. How many precious hours could he have spent with Bones if he had just stayed and rested like he wanted him to? Instead he had always fought and argued and escaped at the first opportunity; thinking that resting from an injury somehow made him weak, or some bullshit like that.
He turned to look at McCoy, who was staring at the floor gloomily.
“Well…Jailer, do I get bread and water?” he asked jovially.
That got a chuckle out of his friend like he hoped it would.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
He left the room and a few minutes later a nurse came with a tray. Kirk did a double take when he recognized the soft blonde hair and smiling blue eyes. So, Chapel had stayed on the ship in this universe. She placed the tray next to his bed and helped work him into a position where he could eat with the straps still on.
“Thank you, Nurse.”
Chapel nodded and left him to his food. As he ate he listened to the sounds outside the room. The sounds of nurses and orderlies shuffling around with supplies, and the gruff voice of McCoy yelling at the patients to keep their asses on the beds. If he lay back and closed his eyes Kirk could pretend, just for a moment, that his life back on his own ship was all just a bad dream.
Kirk was startled out of his thoughts sometime later as warm hands released the straps. He followed the hands up to where they attached to McCoy’s blue medical tunic, and raised his eyebrows in question at the man.
“If they insist I babysit you I’d rather you do something useful.”
Kirk sat up and rubbed at his wrists where the straps had dug in.
“Thank you…McCoy.”
McCoy nodded and took him to a side room by the lab. There was a large sink against the far wall, currently filled with items in need of cleaning.
“The quarterly physicals are here and since everyone is either working extra shifts to cover people, or finding some cockamamie excuse to get out of being here we could use some help. I know it’s nothing glamorous but-”
“I’ll do anything,” he answered emphatically.
He’ll clean out test tubes and hyposprays for the rest of his life if it means he never has to leave Bones again.
McCoy’s eyebrow went up at Kirk’s enthusiasm to perform menial labour.
“All right then.”
McCoy showed him how to work the sanitizer unit and how he wanted the items put away when they were dry. When he was satisfied he turned towards the door, but before he left he put his hand on Kirk’s shoulder, and again Kirk jumped when it happened.
“Don’t worry, they’ll figure out a way to get you home.”
I don’t want to go home.
McCoy left and Kirk busied himself with cleaning everything, and blushing with pride when Chapel came in to drop off more items to wash and admired his handy work.
“If you hadn’t become a captain I think you would have made an excellent yeoman.”
“Thank you.”
As she left Kirk caught the sound of two people near the door talking, or arguing actually.
“Doctor, the captain ordered that that man be secured here.”
“Jim said I had to keep him here and watch him. He didn’t say he had to remain in bed.”
“I believe that went without saying, Doctor.”
“Spock, I’m running a sickbay, not a motel. I don’t need him taking up a bed, and lying there counting the cracks on the wall. You said his options were limited here.”
“When he was restrained that was true. Now he has the ability to move around freely and thus poses a danger.”
“What’s he going to do? Beat Nurse Chapel to death with a tongue depressor?”
Kirk snickered and he didn’t have to turn around to know Spock’s eyebrow was rising.
“There is no need for hyperbole, Doctor, but where you have put him now he does have access to glass objects.”
“And if he breaks any of them I’m going to come down on him so hard he won’t be able to use one piece as a weapon. I finally have a full stock of supplies again after Jim nearly tossed the ship to pieces last month.”
McCoy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Look, Spock, if he was going to do anything he would have done it by now. Just trust me I have a gut feeling and it’s telling me that he-”
“Listening to one’s internal digestive organs should not be an indication of anything except perhaps hunger.”
“You know perfectly well what I mean, Spock! It’s intuition! Some consider it humanity’s highest quality.”
“Of which your species seems to have so few.”
The two of them moved further away, out of Kirk’s hearing, bickering all the while.
Kirk let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from Spock and McCoy interacting, but that certainly wasn’t it. In his world the science and medical department heads talked frequently but it was all formal, and what he was witnessing was clearly not. It was…brotherly, was that the word to describe it? Maybe. It wasn’t just simple hostility even Kirk could tell that. They actually seemed to enjoy bouncing their views off one another, and this Spock certainly wasn’t as stiff as his was. Maybe getting to interact with his opposite in many respects was good for him; the chance to test his convections against someone who thought about life and the universe very differently from him.
Kirk gripped a beaker hard in his hand. In his own universe he had denied Spock that. He sighed, he had denied Spock so many things. First and foremost was the option to have a good proper Vulcan wife instead of being tied to an illogical, dangerous, human.
His gripped tightened again and suddenly the beaker he was holding shattered. Kirk gasped as one of the broken edges sliced across his palm. His other hand wrapped around the wound and pressed down hard, but he was still oozing blood into the sink.
There was the sound of movement behind him and McCoy was quickly at his side.
“Here let me see that.”
“No, no it’s all right.”
“Son, this is a medical facility, we don’t let people stand around and bleed here it’s bad for morale.”
He moved Kirk quickly into his office, ignoring Spock who raised an eyebrow at them and left sickbay.
“I know you like to treat injuries as unimportant, but you aren’t going to do that on my watch,” he said firmly, pulling up Kirk’s sleeve to work better, and revealing a pattern of dark lines and red patches, criss-crossing his skin and in various stages of healing.
McCoy’s eyes went wide.
“They don’t believe in dermal regenerators in your universe?”
“They do, I don’t,” Kirk answered tersely.
Each scar was a reminder of what Bones should have been there to fix and wasn’t; it’s his punishment.
He let Bones fix this though and spent a long time sitting at the desk and staring at the new pink skin.
McCoy meanwhile watched him silently, his gut feeling only being further confirmed by what he was witnessing. He was interrupted in his thoughts though by a hail from Jim.
“Bridge to McCoy.”
McCoy went over to the intercom.
“McCoy here.”
“Doctor McCoy, Spock has just reported to me that our…guest is no longer restrained.”
“That’s right, but he’s still here and I am monitoring him. Have you found anything new?”
“No, Doctor, but we would like to discuss the issue with you-“
Jim interrupted Spock.
“And you better be prepared to have a better answer than what I just heard when I get down there!”
“Yes, Captain.”
He hit the off switch a little harder than was needed and went and sat down at his desk with a groan.
“Who pissed in his coffee?”
McCoy laughed.
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say you.”
“Why does he care so much anyway? I mean I know it’s shocking, but it’s not like I came to this world phaser at the ready and shouting ‘all glory to the empire’ or anything. Why is he so convinced I’m dangerous?”
McCoy opened a drawer of his desk and pulled out a small bottle. He also set out two glasses and filled them while he thought about an answer.
“I think it’s because you are him. Seeing so many aspects of yourself in someone else can be infuriating. Also it probably didn’t help that you threw Spock out of that mind meld either, didn’t know humans could do that.”
Kirk shrugged. “I’ve had practice. I’m not the only constant in the universes, and neither is Spock and I as a command team since those two seemed to be joined at the hip.”
“True enough. He’s protective of him. After that meld I’m sure he wants to keep him close, he likes him. I’m probably not stepping out of bounds by telling you that.”
Not at all Kirk thought and shook his head no.
“He obviously didn’t do it with you though,” Kirk said, swirling his drink.
McCoy waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, but that’s different. Jim and Spock they’re…they’re a team like you said. I’m their friend, but I’m not the keystone in all this I know that, but I’m still there if they need me.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
McCoy shrugged.
“It’s the way things are.”
With that he raised his glass.
“Well here’s to my court martial.”
They had just put the glasses down when Jim and Spock came in.
“Doctor McCoy, what the hell is that man still doing here!?”
Having had enough of Jim’s ‘I’m the captain, bow before me attitude’ McCoy got snarky.
“Drinking bourbon, prisoners are allowed to choose their last meal after all.”
Jim stared at him. “Is this all just a big joke to you?”
“No, Jim, it’s just that I-“
“Think my orders are merely suggestions.”
McCoy’s eyes narrowed.
“You’re my captain, but that does not mean you dictate every aspect of my life! ...sir.”
“You could be putting your life in jeopardy, Bones!”
That accusation made Kirk see red. Quick as lightening he charged at Jim and pinned him to the wall.
“I would never want to hurt him!” he shouted.
Not the least bit intimidated Jim yanked his arms free and grabbed the collar of Kirk’s shirt.
“Then why do you want to be near him!?”
Kirk faced him with stony silence, but another person answered Jim’s question.
“Because I’m dead where he comes from, Jim.”
The answer came so calmly that Jim gaped at McCoy, let go of Kirk, stumbled forward and sat down heavily into a chair.
“What?”
Kirk whirled around to stare at McCoy.
“How could you possibly know?”
McCoy looked him square in the eye. “You’ve been comparing Jim to yourself. You look at Spock like you’re constantly analysing him, working out the exact point where he differs from the Vulcan you know. But with me…you look at me like I’m some precious jewel. You aren’t use to my touch. Half the time you glance over at me like I might shatter into the ether at any moment!” He put a hand on Kirk’s shoulder, his eyes soft and his voice sombre. “To you, I’m someone you were never supposed to see again. “
Kirk shook his head. “No, no you’re someone who should always be there. You should be the one in sickbay maintaining the 98% efficiency rating, instead of that…that child I have now. If there’s anyone who should be rotting in the ground it’s me.”
He turned to Jim. “And you! You have the life that should have been mine! And you take for granted the fact that he’s always been there and so he’ll always be there! If you’re so concerned about his safety then don’t treat him like wallpaper! Do you have any idea of what he’ll do for you? Do you!? He’ll…he…”
Kirk remembered as if it had happened yesterday. McCoy was running up and pushing him out the way of the attack. There was life and then there was no life. Blue eyes opened wide and empty; phaser fire hitting the creature seconds too late.
“He died for me!”
His knees buckled and McCoy grabbed him and held his shaking frame as they sunk down to the floor.
“He died for me.”
McCoy held Kirk as he cried for what he had lost. Jim watched them and felt…jealous?
“How long?” McCoy asked when Kirk’s sobbing had been reduced to uneven breathing.
“Six months.”
“It’s a long time to grieve you know.”
“For a friendship that lasted over ten years before I destroyed it?”
“It wasn’t your fault. We all knew the risk when we entered the service-”
“I asked to have him on my ship! I assigned him to that away mission when that medical check could have been done by any nurse with a tricorder! I’m the captain, his life was my responsibility and I failed him!”
Spock moved to stand closer to Kirk.
“I believe you were incorrect in you initial assessment, Doctor. This man has not grieved at all.”
“I can’t do that, Spock. I can’t accept it. It’s my fault. I don’t have the right to get over it, to be happy.”
Jim sat up in the chair. “But he would want you to,” he said.
“I don’t know what he would have wanted now do I!”
McCoy moved Kirk so he was facing him. “Well by some miracle you’ve arrived in another universe where I’m still here, so I can tell you what I want! I want you to live dammit. Where ever my counter-part is right now I can guarantee you that he doesn’t want see that his best friend’s life was wasted on his behalf!”
“It’s my life, I’ll be miserable for the rest of it if I want to.”
There was silence for a moment before Kirk let out a hollow laugh.
“I can’t believe this! I can’t even get it right in another world can I?”
“What do you mean?” McCoy asked.
“The time is relevant. It’s January 20th isn’t it?”
“It is.”
There was a choking sound from the chair and Kirk knew that Jim had forgotten.
“Well breaking down about your death in another universe isn’t a very good gift,” Kirk continued.
To Kirk’s utter shock McCoy actually smiled.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, sitting back on the floor. “You’ve let me know that my life matters, that it will have a lasting impact when I’m gone. You can’t ask for anything better than that.”
McCoy put his hand on Kirk’s shoulder and squeezed firmly.
“Jim, and this goes for both of you…I wanted to be with you on this ship. I never would have accepted the offer if I didn’t. I was happy to be on the ship then and that’s still true now. In your world I sacrificed myself for you and I would never want you to betray our friendship by giving up the life I saved.”
McCoy glanced over to Spock.
“Also I’m sure there are others to live for besides my memory.”
Kirk caught that look, but he knew McCoy was wrong, especially when he caught sight of the green-eye monster in his counter-part’s eyes.
And it was in that instant that it all fell into place for Kirk. His other self was threatened by him because he was close to someone he liked. Not just a friend, but as a potential lover. Kirk could recall his own jackass behaviour when Spock had been draped all over Leila Kalomi. Speaking of Spock the Vulcan was currently gazing at Doctor McCoy with a half-hidden expression. That avoidant yet in depth gaze he used to give Kirk when he said something blatantly emotional, that look that had been for him and only for him. Before he became nothing more than Spock’s seven year chew toy that is. Kirk now realized why he had had such trouble pinning down the nature of their relationship before, because it was on the precipice of becoming something more. Someone, out of the three of them, just had to be the first to fall. Sitting there with the feeling of McCoy’s arms on him lingering, taking in the scent of sweat and aftershave, he thought that maybe he could have had something extraordinary, but now he can’t have what he can see the three of them are becoming.
Kirk suddenly bent over, clutching his head; a voice rang through the bond, a bond that was open once again.
Jim, please come back.
“What is it?!” McCoy asked in alarm.
Kirk could feel the longing and…love that flowed over to his mind. “He-he needs me.”
Before anyone could ask him what he meant the whistling of the computer filled the room.
“Bridge to Captain.”
Jim moved to answer Uhura. “Kirk here.”
“Sir, we have an anomaly on the planet’s surface.”
***
They had beamed back down to the planet immediately. Kirk had barely waited for the transporter to finish putting his molecules back together before he was off and running down the tunnels.
“Spock!”
His cry echoed down the tunnels as he ran. He turned around a familiar corner, the others still a ways behind him. The barrier was shimmering again and Kirk plunged his hand through it. Within moments his hand grasped something warm and solid. Kirk held on tight and yanked hard, and he pulled Spock through to the other side.
Kirk held onto Spock’s arm as the effect of crossing over wore off. The Vulcan looked at him in relief, as the others came up to them.
“Are you all right, Jim?” he asked.
“Yes, more than I have been for a long time.”
He gestured to the others and Spock looked over at the trio of men, holding his gaze on McCoy the longest.
“Fascinating.”
“As heart-warming as I’m sure this is for you, you can’t pull everyone over here,” Jim stated.
“The man is correct, Captain, the gateway cannot be maintained and we must return quickly to our own dimension or risk being stuck here permanently.”
“What if I don’t want to go back?”
Spock locked his eyes with his captain’s.
“Jim, you must. Your ship, your crew, they need you.“ I need you.
“I know, but he’s here, Spock, I can make things right this time.”
McCoy stepped forward.
“No, you have to go back. I once said that you could survive anything, now you wouldn’t want to make me a liar, would you?”
Kirk glanced over to him.
“And I was just beginning to think you liked me.”
“I do,” McCoy said seriously. “It’s why I have to let you go. You wouldn’t be happy here for long. You certainly won’t be fulfilled, and as your friend I have to think of your well-being over my own.”
Spock regarded McCoy curiously.
“You are a remarkably strong individual, Doctor McCoy. It is my loss not to have known you better.”
Not quite sure how to take such a compliment from him McCoy just stood there stiffly.
Jim watched them silently, seeing Kirk as himself for the first time. They were different and yet in that moment, with Spock at his side, so alike. It seemed preposterous that Bones shouldn’t come through the barrier as well, or that any moment now his voice should be heard from the other side yelling about reckless hobgoblins.
It left a dull ache in his chest as Jim realized fully that in that reality he won’t, because he can’t.
Jim pulled McCoy close to him. He wrapped an arm around his chest to remind himself that he was still warm and still breathed.
Kirk watched Jim. Knowing in his mind that what McCoy said was true. He couldn’t stay here, this universe already had a Jim Kirk to fill that captain’s chair and to love Bones, but his heart screamed at him not to betray his best friend again.
He is right, Jim. You can’t stay. Your own world needs you.
I’m the captain, nothing more to them.
You are far more to me, T’hy’la, and you could be to them if you would let them in.
Jim gasped at what Spock had just called him. It was a word Spock had spoken during the Pon Farr, a word spoken in utter delirium. Jim had looked up its meaning, but had assumed Spock had not truly meant it as he never spoken it again, until now.
“T’hy’la? Then you really do…”
The Vulcan grabbed his shoulders.
“I always have, but you have been so devastated by the loss of Doctor McCoy that I had no way to tell you that. You need to know that you are not the only one who has suffered from his passing and so you need not isolate yourself from us. Please, Jim, let me help.”
Kirk wanted to tell Spock that he was wrong, but as his mind drifted back to the conversation he had witnessed between that Spock and McCoy and how it had challenged the Vulcan. He realized he wasn’t the only one who had lost something precious. And it wasn’t just him and Spock either. Scotty still kept that half-finished bottle of bourbon on a shelf in his quarters. He thought about what Bones must have said to Nurse Chapel to keep her on the Enterprise. He thought of that bumbling Russian Ensign they had in medical right now who probably would have benefited from Bones’ guidance.
Spock looked at Kirk with such sincerity, bright green eyes boring into his. For the first time Kirk could see what had always been there, of wanting him, wanting to love him. Kirk didn’t want to risk losing that again, but risk was his business wasn’t it? It was better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all wasn’t it?
He glanced over once again to the other men; Jim still hugging McCoy. McCoy had let one hand come up and squeeze Jim’s wrist tightly. It was comforting to see because it meant that somewhere Bones is happy, and he wants him to be happy too; Kirk realized that he could finally let that happen. He has finally found closure.
Kirk snaked his arms around Spock and closed the gap between them. Kissing him hard, not the biting ones they had exchanged in the blood fever, but a firm pressing of lips, of coming together; sealing a promise to do better.
“Help me, Spock…take me home.”
Spock kept his arms around his friend, brother, and lover once again as Kirk turned to look at the others.
“You’ll take care of him?” he whispered.
Jim wrapped his other arm around McCoy tightly.
“Always.”
“You’d better."
Kirk turned back to Spock and together they stepped back to their world. The others watch the light fade and the passageway go silent.
After a moment the other Spock shifted and pressed against Jim from behind. Jim kept McCoy in his arms and Spock pressed his hands tight around McCoy’s shoulders.
“Bones…we should talk.”
The End
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Kirk/Spock, pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Warnings: Major character death
Disclaimer: As usual I own nothing, wish I did though, the extra cash would be great.
Summary: A piece of the triangle is lost before the three of them really realized what they had. Until Jim Kirk goes through the looking glass and learns about what might have been.
"Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
-Clarence, It's a Wonderful Life
A Pearl of Great Price
June 11th. He really should think of the date as a stardate, especially because it certainly isn’t June on the planet they just left, but Kirk frankly cannot give a damn. It was June 11th to him, and the date will live in Kirk’s mind in infamy. The day…the day that Bones was killed and the day he effectively died too.
They were able to bring the body back at least, and Kirk now stood in the doorway of the room where he lay. Just that morning he had been complaining about the mission over his daily dose of coffee and now…Kirk breathed heavily and pounded his fist against the doorframe; he could do this, he needed to do this.
Kirk walked softly over to the bed, pulled the sheet back, and looked at his best friend’s face. His eyes were closed now and he was so still.
“Bones.”
Kirk blinked back tears as the sickly ironic thought invaded his mind that all he was, was skin and bones now. It felt like being punched in the stomach and Kirk let out a sound that was something between a sigh and a sob. This wasn’t helping at all, and he had really thought it would. That it would give him some sense of finality, but all it made him do was wish that those eyes would open one more time. He wished desperately to see Bones sit up and yell at him for being reckless one more time. Kirk’s knuckles turned white as he clenched the shroud; trying to will his best friend not to be gone. Not to leave him alone.
Eventually Kirk pulled the sheet back over his friend and then went to tell a twelve year old girl that, because of him, daddy was never coming home.
***
Kirk might as well have been permanently replaced with an android from Roger Corby’s experiments that they encountered a few weeks later. He became so stiff and formal to the crew. Smiles and nods to them when they passed in the corridors were no longer seen. Off hours that were once spent with Bones were replaced with filling out reports alone in his quarters. He should have spent more time with Scotty after work, or in the rec room, as he used to do when Bones was busy, but instead he pulled into himself. He didn’t want to get close to anyone again and lose them too.
He maintained a strong command team with Spock, but looks across the bridge that used to be held a second too long were gone. Kirk no longer touched Spock freely, and their sparring sessions were dropped in favour of Kirk pushing his body to the limit on his own; chess games stopped. Whatever they had started to build was left unfinished.
Until the day Kirk learned about Vulcan biology.
He hadn’t noticed the signs until it was too late. They’re new CMO was younger than Bones, eager to please. She deferred to those of higher rank in a way that Bones hadn’t. When Spock reported to sickbay as Kirk had ordered and then promptly left, she had let him go. That same night Kirk went to Spock to talk to him, and there Spock claimed him as his own.
Kirk knew that Bones would have been tougher, would have pushed Spock until he submitted. He would have found a solution to the problem that wasn’t…this.
The bond fluttered in the back of Kirk’s mind. It was both a blessing and a curse. To be so close to someone, never alone, and yet to know that even that could be stolen from him at anytime. Their connection was neither strengthening with time nor weakening either. It’s stagnation, and although Kirk won’t admit it that’s what his life has become. He goes out into space and does what his duty has told he must do, but there was no joy in it anymore. There was no thrill in discovery, no awe at meeting new races, and touching his feet on new worlds. He should have died with Bones that day, he should have died in Bones’ place, because he wasn’t living anymore.
***
They were in orbit around a planet for a simple mineral survey, but Kirk insisted on going down with Spock’s team. He needed to keep busy, to forget that they this day should have been about someone else. There was no one to celebrate for now.
As the landing party split up he entered one of the tunnels they were to study and his tricorder picked up an unusual signal. He looked up ahead, but didn’t see anything but more tunnel. Still the readings persisted. Kirk frowned but kept walking, his hand out stretched, until his fingertips hit something and the air shimmered. Startled Kirk backed away, the tricorder falling to the ground…but his fingers didn’t hurt and he found himself reaching out again. His fingers went all the way through that time and then he pushed himself completely through the barrier.
His whole body tingled as he shifted through it, and a moment later he found himself staring at his own reflection. Except that his reflection was scrawny and his uniform looked wrong. A wave of dizziness suddenly came over him and Kirk stumbled and fell against the rocks.
His reflection stepped away from him and his mouth dropped open.
“Bones!”
In a dizzy haze Kirk was certain he had wrong, until a voice responded.
“What is it?!”
His ears knew that voice, even after months of silence; that Southern accent that was an undercurrent in his every word; the mix of gruffness and concern. The sound of gravel heralded his approach and suddenly there he was.
His boots were covered in dirt, it looked like he had spilled coffee on his uniform, his hair was a bit ruffled, and those blue eyes…those beautiful blue eyes were open and shining and living.
Kirk promptly threw up and passed out.
***
He awoke to the smell of antiseptic and a dead man’s voice.
“He’s perfectly healthy, Jim. Muscles are a bit over-worked and I’ve treated a few residual injuries that it looked like he was treating himself for some reason, but there’s nothing wrong with him.”
“It is not a separation then?” another voice asked, and Kirk quickly recognized it as Spock’s.
“No,” McCoy answered. “His numbers are stable; and Jim hasn’t noticed any personality changes.”
Kirk felt a hand press against the hard, smooth, muscles of his stomach.
“And obviously he keeps on his diet.”
Kirk heard the sound of feet shuffling on the floor.
“Well maybe if everyone didn’t hover around about that.”
McCoy laughed and Kirk couldn’t stop his body from flinching at the sound. His heart seemed to cry out for what should have been. There’s a softness to the relationship that he and Bones hadn’t reached yet. He had not been sure how to blend professionalism with their long-time friendship so early into his time as a captain.
The voices had fallen silent and Kirk knew that they had seen him move. Knowing there was no point in trying to fake sleep he slowly opened his eyes. Not wanting to face McCoy Kirk quickly focused on the far end of the room. Spock stood there with his hands clasped behind his back, calmly stoic as always. Kirk furrowed his brows as he realized that Spock looked strange with brown eyes.
As he let his sight drift to…himself he supposed he realized why the other him looked different, besides the lack of muscle, he was wearing that green shirt. Kirk never did…he had been the day Bones had-
“You may re-join the land of the living anytime,” his counter-part said.
“I’m sorry?”
“This isn’t a sightseeing tour. Where did you come from? Why are you here?”
“I…didn’t intend to come here, so I have no reason for being here.”
“That’s not a detailed answer.”
Kirk glared.
“Well it’s the only one I’ve got right now,” he shot back.
Jim remained unconvinced of the man’s sincerity. He had already seen his darker half in the flesh, and had been to a universe where he was capable of unspeakable horrors, because that darker side was allowed dominance. Jim wasn’t keen on letting any version of himself off the hook with ‘I don’t know’ as an excuse, especially with the whole debacle with Scotty on Argelius II a few weeks before still fresh in his mind.
“Very well we can discover them through other means,Spock.”
The Vulcan nodded to his captain and made his way to the bed. He looked at Kirk with an expression of apology before his fingers pressed against his face and he began speaking familiar words.
“My mind to your mind.”
No! Kirk thought. He couldn’t let him see what had happened to his life! He shut his eyes but still felt the slow creep of the Vulcan into his mind. Quickly he focused on the bond, dull though it was at the moment. He let himself concentrate as Spock told him to do and shoved hard.
There was a gasp and Spock let go. Kirk opened his eyes again to see Spock slumped against his captain. McCoy had a hand on Spock’s back.
“Didn’t anyone tell you it’s rude to enter other people’s minds unannounced?” Kirk asked as he continued to observe them. How this world’s Jim still touched Spock so openly, he didn’t appear to be in any pain as Spock was though. They were not bonded then.
Spock straightened up.
“His mental defenses are very strong. I…don’t recommend another attempt.”
Jim glared at Kirk.
“Well you’ve proven yourself a worthy adversary.”
Cocky bastard that’s what he was, Kirk thought, but then the universe hadn’t kicked the wind out of him yet. Kirk stole a glance over to McCoy and managed not to flinch this time.
“It was not meant as a threat, merely self-defense,” Kirk responded evenly. “It wouldn’t have been safe for him to meld with me anyway.” The last thing Kirk needed to do was mess up some else’s universe too.
“Well we did think it was the best way to determine your true motives.”
“You could have asked…politely I mean.”
Having little else to do at the moment Jim did.
“My team was only exploring the planet for a simple mineral survey. I’m assuming your landing party was as well; we detected nothing unusual,” Kirk explained.
“Indeed,” Spock agreed. “As I said before, Captain, our scans did not reveal anything. Until you and Doctor McCoy reported back.”
“What have the scans revealed since then?” Jim asked.
“An abrupt surge in energy was detected near where you and this man were located. It was very brief, less than 10.87 minutes. The signal was simply there and then gone.”
“Like a door opening and closing,” Jim said thoughtfully. “Any ideas on when it might open again?”
“Unknown, Captain. We will continue to monitor the planet and study all readings.”
“Yes, and until we have more information we should keep our guest in the brig.”
“Is that really necessary? You seem to have me well contained,” Kirk said, lifting his arms up slightly to emphasize the straps that kept him pinned to the bed.
“I agree with him, Jim,” McCoy said. “We need to keep this from as many people as possible and taking him to the brig could risk that.”
“I agree with, Doctor McCoy,” Spock said. Ignoring McCoy’s mouth hanging open in shock he continued. “He can do very little at this time, and moving him with so many of the crew still on duty could be a potential problem.”
Jim set his jaw in determination.
“All right, Doctor, if you want to treat your medical ward as a prison than monitoring the prisoner is officially your responsibility.”
With that Jim turned to leave and Kirk frowned at his counter-parts now formal, almost frigid, approach to his friend, especially on his birthday of all days. They were on duty yes, but it was strange that there wasn’t something else. A quick pat on the shoulder, or a promise to meet him later for lunch, surly he couldn’t have forgotten?
“Yes, sir,” McCoy answered in stiff monotone.
Kirk just remained silent as Jim left the room, Spock close behind him. He didn’t protest the idea like he did the brig, because truthfully he didn’t want to leave sickbay. How many precious hours could he have spent with Bones if he had just stayed and rested like he wanted him to? Instead he had always fought and argued and escaped at the first opportunity; thinking that resting from an injury somehow made him weak, or some bullshit like that.
He turned to look at McCoy, who was staring at the floor gloomily.
“Well…Jailer, do I get bread and water?” he asked jovially.
That got a chuckle out of his friend like he hoped it would.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
He left the room and a few minutes later a nurse came with a tray. Kirk did a double take when he recognized the soft blonde hair and smiling blue eyes. So, Chapel had stayed on the ship in this universe. She placed the tray next to his bed and helped work him into a position where he could eat with the straps still on.
“Thank you, Nurse.”
Chapel nodded and left him to his food. As he ate he listened to the sounds outside the room. The sounds of nurses and orderlies shuffling around with supplies, and the gruff voice of McCoy yelling at the patients to keep their asses on the beds. If he lay back and closed his eyes Kirk could pretend, just for a moment, that his life back on his own ship was all just a bad dream.
Kirk was startled out of his thoughts sometime later as warm hands released the straps. He followed the hands up to where they attached to McCoy’s blue medical tunic, and raised his eyebrows in question at the man.
“If they insist I babysit you I’d rather you do something useful.”
Kirk sat up and rubbed at his wrists where the straps had dug in.
“Thank you…McCoy.”
McCoy nodded and took him to a side room by the lab. There was a large sink against the far wall, currently filled with items in need of cleaning.
“The quarterly physicals are here and since everyone is either working extra shifts to cover people, or finding some cockamamie excuse to get out of being here we could use some help. I know it’s nothing glamorous but-”
“I’ll do anything,” he answered emphatically.
He’ll clean out test tubes and hyposprays for the rest of his life if it means he never has to leave Bones again.
McCoy’s eyebrow went up at Kirk’s enthusiasm to perform menial labour.
“All right then.”
McCoy showed him how to work the sanitizer unit and how he wanted the items put away when they were dry. When he was satisfied he turned towards the door, but before he left he put his hand on Kirk’s shoulder, and again Kirk jumped when it happened.
“Don’t worry, they’ll figure out a way to get you home.”
I don’t want to go home.
McCoy left and Kirk busied himself with cleaning everything, and blushing with pride when Chapel came in to drop off more items to wash and admired his handy work.
“If you hadn’t become a captain I think you would have made an excellent yeoman.”
“Thank you.”
As she left Kirk caught the sound of two people near the door talking, or arguing actually.
“Doctor, the captain ordered that that man be secured here.”
“Jim said I had to keep him here and watch him. He didn’t say he had to remain in bed.”
“I believe that went without saying, Doctor.”
“Spock, I’m running a sickbay, not a motel. I don’t need him taking up a bed, and lying there counting the cracks on the wall. You said his options were limited here.”
“When he was restrained that was true. Now he has the ability to move around freely and thus poses a danger.”
“What’s he going to do? Beat Nurse Chapel to death with a tongue depressor?”
Kirk snickered and he didn’t have to turn around to know Spock’s eyebrow was rising.
“There is no need for hyperbole, Doctor, but where you have put him now he does have access to glass objects.”
“And if he breaks any of them I’m going to come down on him so hard he won’t be able to use one piece as a weapon. I finally have a full stock of supplies again after Jim nearly tossed the ship to pieces last month.”
McCoy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Look, Spock, if he was going to do anything he would have done it by now. Just trust me I have a gut feeling and it’s telling me that he-”
“Listening to one’s internal digestive organs should not be an indication of anything except perhaps hunger.”
“You know perfectly well what I mean, Spock! It’s intuition! Some consider it humanity’s highest quality.”
“Of which your species seems to have so few.”
The two of them moved further away, out of Kirk’s hearing, bickering all the while.
Kirk let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from Spock and McCoy interacting, but that certainly wasn’t it. In his world the science and medical department heads talked frequently but it was all formal, and what he was witnessing was clearly not. It was…brotherly, was that the word to describe it? Maybe. It wasn’t just simple hostility even Kirk could tell that. They actually seemed to enjoy bouncing their views off one another, and this Spock certainly wasn’t as stiff as his was. Maybe getting to interact with his opposite in many respects was good for him; the chance to test his convections against someone who thought about life and the universe very differently from him.
Kirk gripped a beaker hard in his hand. In his own universe he had denied Spock that. He sighed, he had denied Spock so many things. First and foremost was the option to have a good proper Vulcan wife instead of being tied to an illogical, dangerous, human.
His gripped tightened again and suddenly the beaker he was holding shattered. Kirk gasped as one of the broken edges sliced across his palm. His other hand wrapped around the wound and pressed down hard, but he was still oozing blood into the sink.
There was the sound of movement behind him and McCoy was quickly at his side.
“Here let me see that.”
“No, no it’s all right.”
“Son, this is a medical facility, we don’t let people stand around and bleed here it’s bad for morale.”
He moved Kirk quickly into his office, ignoring Spock who raised an eyebrow at them and left sickbay.
“I know you like to treat injuries as unimportant, but you aren’t going to do that on my watch,” he said firmly, pulling up Kirk’s sleeve to work better, and revealing a pattern of dark lines and red patches, criss-crossing his skin and in various stages of healing.
McCoy’s eyes went wide.
“They don’t believe in dermal regenerators in your universe?”
“They do, I don’t,” Kirk answered tersely.
Each scar was a reminder of what Bones should have been there to fix and wasn’t; it’s his punishment.
He let Bones fix this though and spent a long time sitting at the desk and staring at the new pink skin.
McCoy meanwhile watched him silently, his gut feeling only being further confirmed by what he was witnessing. He was interrupted in his thoughts though by a hail from Jim.
“Bridge to McCoy.”
McCoy went over to the intercom.
“McCoy here.”
“Doctor McCoy, Spock has just reported to me that our…guest is no longer restrained.”
“That’s right, but he’s still here and I am monitoring him. Have you found anything new?”
“No, Doctor, but we would like to discuss the issue with you-“
Jim interrupted Spock.
“And you better be prepared to have a better answer than what I just heard when I get down there!”
“Yes, Captain.”
He hit the off switch a little harder than was needed and went and sat down at his desk with a groan.
“Who pissed in his coffee?”
McCoy laughed.
“I’m going to take a wild guess and say you.”
“Why does he care so much anyway? I mean I know it’s shocking, but it’s not like I came to this world phaser at the ready and shouting ‘all glory to the empire’ or anything. Why is he so convinced I’m dangerous?”
McCoy opened a drawer of his desk and pulled out a small bottle. He also set out two glasses and filled them while he thought about an answer.
“I think it’s because you are him. Seeing so many aspects of yourself in someone else can be infuriating. Also it probably didn’t help that you threw Spock out of that mind meld either, didn’t know humans could do that.”
Kirk shrugged. “I’ve had practice. I’m not the only constant in the universes, and neither is Spock and I as a command team since those two seemed to be joined at the hip.”
“True enough. He’s protective of him. After that meld I’m sure he wants to keep him close, he likes him. I’m probably not stepping out of bounds by telling you that.”
Not at all Kirk thought and shook his head no.
“He obviously didn’t do it with you though,” Kirk said, swirling his drink.
McCoy waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, but that’s different. Jim and Spock they’re…they’re a team like you said. I’m their friend, but I’m not the keystone in all this I know that, but I’m still there if they need me.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
McCoy shrugged.
“It’s the way things are.”
With that he raised his glass.
“Well here’s to my court martial.”
They had just put the glasses down when Jim and Spock came in.
“Doctor McCoy, what the hell is that man still doing here!?”
Having had enough of Jim’s ‘I’m the captain, bow before me attitude’ McCoy got snarky.
“Drinking bourbon, prisoners are allowed to choose their last meal after all.”
Jim stared at him. “Is this all just a big joke to you?”
“No, Jim, it’s just that I-“
“Think my orders are merely suggestions.”
McCoy’s eyes narrowed.
“You’re my captain, but that does not mean you dictate every aspect of my life! ...sir.”
“You could be putting your life in jeopardy, Bones!”
That accusation made Kirk see red. Quick as lightening he charged at Jim and pinned him to the wall.
“I would never want to hurt him!” he shouted.
Not the least bit intimidated Jim yanked his arms free and grabbed the collar of Kirk’s shirt.
“Then why do you want to be near him!?”
Kirk faced him with stony silence, but another person answered Jim’s question.
“Because I’m dead where he comes from, Jim.”
The answer came so calmly that Jim gaped at McCoy, let go of Kirk, stumbled forward and sat down heavily into a chair.
“What?”
Kirk whirled around to stare at McCoy.
“How could you possibly know?”
McCoy looked him square in the eye. “You’ve been comparing Jim to yourself. You look at Spock like you’re constantly analysing him, working out the exact point where he differs from the Vulcan you know. But with me…you look at me like I’m some precious jewel. You aren’t use to my touch. Half the time you glance over at me like I might shatter into the ether at any moment!” He put a hand on Kirk’s shoulder, his eyes soft and his voice sombre. “To you, I’m someone you were never supposed to see again. “
Kirk shook his head. “No, no you’re someone who should always be there. You should be the one in sickbay maintaining the 98% efficiency rating, instead of that…that child I have now. If there’s anyone who should be rotting in the ground it’s me.”
He turned to Jim. “And you! You have the life that should have been mine! And you take for granted the fact that he’s always been there and so he’ll always be there! If you’re so concerned about his safety then don’t treat him like wallpaper! Do you have any idea of what he’ll do for you? Do you!? He’ll…he…”
Kirk remembered as if it had happened yesterday. McCoy was running up and pushing him out the way of the attack. There was life and then there was no life. Blue eyes opened wide and empty; phaser fire hitting the creature seconds too late.
“He died for me!”
His knees buckled and McCoy grabbed him and held his shaking frame as they sunk down to the floor.
“He died for me.”
McCoy held Kirk as he cried for what he had lost. Jim watched them and felt…jealous?
“How long?” McCoy asked when Kirk’s sobbing had been reduced to uneven breathing.
“Six months.”
“It’s a long time to grieve you know.”
“For a friendship that lasted over ten years before I destroyed it?”
“It wasn’t your fault. We all knew the risk when we entered the service-”
“I asked to have him on my ship! I assigned him to that away mission when that medical check could have been done by any nurse with a tricorder! I’m the captain, his life was my responsibility and I failed him!”
Spock moved to stand closer to Kirk.
“I believe you were incorrect in you initial assessment, Doctor. This man has not grieved at all.”
“I can’t do that, Spock. I can’t accept it. It’s my fault. I don’t have the right to get over it, to be happy.”
Jim sat up in the chair. “But he would want you to,” he said.
“I don’t know what he would have wanted now do I!”
McCoy moved Kirk so he was facing him. “Well by some miracle you’ve arrived in another universe where I’m still here, so I can tell you what I want! I want you to live dammit. Where ever my counter-part is right now I can guarantee you that he doesn’t want see that his best friend’s life was wasted on his behalf!”
“It’s my life, I’ll be miserable for the rest of it if I want to.”
There was silence for a moment before Kirk let out a hollow laugh.
“I can’t believe this! I can’t even get it right in another world can I?”
“What do you mean?” McCoy asked.
“The time is relevant. It’s January 20th isn’t it?”
“It is.”
There was a choking sound from the chair and Kirk knew that Jim had forgotten.
“Well breaking down about your death in another universe isn’t a very good gift,” Kirk continued.
To Kirk’s utter shock McCoy actually smiled.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, sitting back on the floor. “You’ve let me know that my life matters, that it will have a lasting impact when I’m gone. You can’t ask for anything better than that.”
McCoy put his hand on Kirk’s shoulder and squeezed firmly.
“Jim, and this goes for both of you…I wanted to be with you on this ship. I never would have accepted the offer if I didn’t. I was happy to be on the ship then and that’s still true now. In your world I sacrificed myself for you and I would never want you to betray our friendship by giving up the life I saved.”
McCoy glanced over to Spock.
“Also I’m sure there are others to live for besides my memory.”
Kirk caught that look, but he knew McCoy was wrong, especially when he caught sight of the green-eye monster in his counter-part’s eyes.
And it was in that instant that it all fell into place for Kirk. His other self was threatened by him because he was close to someone he liked. Not just a friend, but as a potential lover. Kirk could recall his own jackass behaviour when Spock had been draped all over Leila Kalomi. Speaking of Spock the Vulcan was currently gazing at Doctor McCoy with a half-hidden expression. That avoidant yet in depth gaze he used to give Kirk when he said something blatantly emotional, that look that had been for him and only for him. Before he became nothing more than Spock’s seven year chew toy that is. Kirk now realized why he had had such trouble pinning down the nature of their relationship before, because it was on the precipice of becoming something more. Someone, out of the three of them, just had to be the first to fall. Sitting there with the feeling of McCoy’s arms on him lingering, taking in the scent of sweat and aftershave, he thought that maybe he could have had something extraordinary, but now he can’t have what he can see the three of them are becoming.
Kirk suddenly bent over, clutching his head; a voice rang through the bond, a bond that was open once again.
Jim, please come back.
“What is it?!” McCoy asked in alarm.
Kirk could feel the longing and…love that flowed over to his mind. “He-he needs me.”
Before anyone could ask him what he meant the whistling of the computer filled the room.
“Bridge to Captain.”
Jim moved to answer Uhura. “Kirk here.”
“Sir, we have an anomaly on the planet’s surface.”
***
They had beamed back down to the planet immediately. Kirk had barely waited for the transporter to finish putting his molecules back together before he was off and running down the tunnels.
“Spock!”
His cry echoed down the tunnels as he ran. He turned around a familiar corner, the others still a ways behind him. The barrier was shimmering again and Kirk plunged his hand through it. Within moments his hand grasped something warm and solid. Kirk held on tight and yanked hard, and he pulled Spock through to the other side.
Kirk held onto Spock’s arm as the effect of crossing over wore off. The Vulcan looked at him in relief, as the others came up to them.
“Are you all right, Jim?” he asked.
“Yes, more than I have been for a long time.”
He gestured to the others and Spock looked over at the trio of men, holding his gaze on McCoy the longest.
“Fascinating.”
“As heart-warming as I’m sure this is for you, you can’t pull everyone over here,” Jim stated.
“The man is correct, Captain, the gateway cannot be maintained and we must return quickly to our own dimension or risk being stuck here permanently.”
“What if I don’t want to go back?”
Spock locked his eyes with his captain’s.
“Jim, you must. Your ship, your crew, they need you.“ I need you.
“I know, but he’s here, Spock, I can make things right this time.”
McCoy stepped forward.
“No, you have to go back. I once said that you could survive anything, now you wouldn’t want to make me a liar, would you?”
Kirk glanced over to him.
“And I was just beginning to think you liked me.”
“I do,” McCoy said seriously. “It’s why I have to let you go. You wouldn’t be happy here for long. You certainly won’t be fulfilled, and as your friend I have to think of your well-being over my own.”
Spock regarded McCoy curiously.
“You are a remarkably strong individual, Doctor McCoy. It is my loss not to have known you better.”
Not quite sure how to take such a compliment from him McCoy just stood there stiffly.
Jim watched them silently, seeing Kirk as himself for the first time. They were different and yet in that moment, with Spock at his side, so alike. It seemed preposterous that Bones shouldn’t come through the barrier as well, or that any moment now his voice should be heard from the other side yelling about reckless hobgoblins.
It left a dull ache in his chest as Jim realized fully that in that reality he won’t, because he can’t.
Jim pulled McCoy close to him. He wrapped an arm around his chest to remind himself that he was still warm and still breathed.
Kirk watched Jim. Knowing in his mind that what McCoy said was true. He couldn’t stay here, this universe already had a Jim Kirk to fill that captain’s chair and to love Bones, but his heart screamed at him not to betray his best friend again.
He is right, Jim. You can’t stay. Your own world needs you.
I’m the captain, nothing more to them.
You are far more to me, T’hy’la, and you could be to them if you would let them in.
Jim gasped at what Spock had just called him. It was a word Spock had spoken during the Pon Farr, a word spoken in utter delirium. Jim had looked up its meaning, but had assumed Spock had not truly meant it as he never spoken it again, until now.
“T’hy’la? Then you really do…”
The Vulcan grabbed his shoulders.
“I always have, but you have been so devastated by the loss of Doctor McCoy that I had no way to tell you that. You need to know that you are not the only one who has suffered from his passing and so you need not isolate yourself from us. Please, Jim, let me help.”
Kirk wanted to tell Spock that he was wrong, but as his mind drifted back to the conversation he had witnessed between that Spock and McCoy and how it had challenged the Vulcan. He realized he wasn’t the only one who had lost something precious. And it wasn’t just him and Spock either. Scotty still kept that half-finished bottle of bourbon on a shelf in his quarters. He thought about what Bones must have said to Nurse Chapel to keep her on the Enterprise. He thought of that bumbling Russian Ensign they had in medical right now who probably would have benefited from Bones’ guidance.
Spock looked at Kirk with such sincerity, bright green eyes boring into his. For the first time Kirk could see what had always been there, of wanting him, wanting to love him. Kirk didn’t want to risk losing that again, but risk was his business wasn’t it? It was better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all wasn’t it?
He glanced over once again to the other men; Jim still hugging McCoy. McCoy had let one hand come up and squeeze Jim’s wrist tightly. It was comforting to see because it meant that somewhere Bones is happy, and he wants him to be happy too; Kirk realized that he could finally let that happen. He has finally found closure.
Kirk snaked his arms around Spock and closed the gap between them. Kissing him hard, not the biting ones they had exchanged in the blood fever, but a firm pressing of lips, of coming together; sealing a promise to do better.
“Help me, Spock…take me home.”
Spock kept his arms around his friend, brother, and lover once again as Kirk turned to look at the others.
“You’ll take care of him?” he whispered.
Jim wrapped his other arm around McCoy tightly.
“Always.”
“You’d better."
Kirk turned back to Spock and together they stepped back to their world. The others watch the light fade and the passageway go silent.
After a moment the other Spock shifted and pressed against Jim from behind. Jim kept McCoy in his arms and Spock pressed his hands tight around McCoy’s shoulders.
“Bones…we should talk.”
The End