Incomplete and All Alone : Pt III
Title: Incomplete and All Alone Pt III
Author: Dissy
Summary: The Silent Enemy
Disclaimer: Not real
Dedication: To anyone who could be bothered reading it.
Note: Short. Then again most my posts are. This serves as a bit of a filler to get the story progressing. My writing may be choppy or hard to follow at times but I'm just trying to get a feel of where to go with this, hope you understand.
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When I woke that morning, there was no sign of you. I searched every room until it dawned on me that perhaps you had an interview or a meeting, something of the sort that you failed to mention yesterday.
A pattern evolved from that day forth though. I would wait all day for calls, texts, for you to walk in the door so we could venture off in the city. Instead I would drag myself to bed at midnight and whenever I would wake in the morning hoping to see you, disappointment would pierce me because you had already left. The only reason I knew you even came back at night was a dirty mug or glass sitting by the sink, half empty.
-----------
When we returned home no effort was made to ignore me, avoid me, or the other extreme of apologising or explaining your actions. The way you act is as though everything from that night and the week following was swept under a rug. But some day little brother, that rug would need to be moved and the particles swept beneath it will resurface. And in this case a vacuum cleaner will not suffice to remove the layer of evidence that was left behind from your neglect and carelessness.
It almost pained me to look at Harlow and Sparrow. For one, they are the clear evidence of the family life you chose. Two, they provide the reality of the situation. The reality where there is absolutely no hope in this lifetime of us ever being able to be an ‘us’. I am simply “Joel’s twin”.
I had watched as your family smothered you. Clung to you, squeezed you, kissed you, vocalised how much they missed you and were glad you were home safe. I may have smiled genuinely when I too earned a hug from them. Nicole practically demanded I stay for dinner as she pulled back from me. How could I say no?
Throughout the meal I remained silent, listening to Harlow chatter away at how much she loves the dance lessons that she started last week and that she enjoys learning jazz more than ballet because…well I can’t remember her reasoning as that was the moment I chose to look up at you and our eyes met, if not only for a second, but in that one second the earth stood still.
Then it was my turn to ignore you, so my attention was quickly refocused on my niece telling me about how wonderful her dance teacher Miss Lucy is. You excused yourself and bolted up the stairs.
I spent time with the children because they had missed their uncle almost as much as they missed their father, but of course he was still locked away upstairs.
I smiled. I laughed. Maybe not whole heartedly but I do love the children and I don’t know if it alleviates the pain at least a little bit or adds to it tenfold.
When it was time for me to head home Harlow and Sparrow hugged me goodbye, I kissed their cheeks and said goodnight. As I was pulling on my jacket Nicole approached me and asked if I was busy tomorrow night. She had made plans for dinner for the two of you and the babysitter she arranged fell ill or some bullshit like that. Personally I don’t think she even arranged one and was counting on me to be free.
Apparently I am predictable. I told her I would be over tomorrow night at six.
---------------
After she thanked me multiple times and closed the door behind me, I returned to my ‘bachelor pad’ to be left alone with my thoughts once more. No one to tell me they missed me, no one to cling to me like their life depended on it and beg me not to leave for so long next time.
That leads me to where I am now, currently sitting outside enjoying the bite the night air has on my skin. It is somewhat refreshing when I have subconsciously doomed myself in to depression. A glass of orange juice in hand, as I had sworn off alcohol. I may be confused but I know I need to at least keep the promises I had made to you so long ago. Another time in my life I wish I could forget. Back then you preached that ‘time heals all wounds’.
Time heals all wounds. Time heals all wounds?!? Time is the silent enemy that makes us believe there is hope for the future. That miraculously one day we will wake and something will go ‘right’ in our lives ‘for once’.
Time, as I have discovered recently, is slowly eating away at my mental stability. It has me sitting on the edge of the seat; biting my nails and feeling my heart break away piece by piece. My heart beats for you. It craves you the same was my lungs crave air, my stomach craves food and any other ridiculous comparison I can make to bodily functions that make any sense and contribute to be a normally functioning human being.
Time is something I ran out of when you met Nicole and it troubles me that I am only just realising this now.
Forget the idea of a light bulb suddenly switching on in my brain; I have an explosion of memories.
Hands discretely brushing against one another’s while walking, stolen glances, close proximity when lounging around, hugs that lasted too long between two men but went unnoticed as they were viewed as brotherly hugs, nights sharing a hotel bed because management fucked up and booked the wrong bedding configurations. We never spent those nights on the edge of the bed; we always met in the middle. Arms, legs, backs…somehow we were always touching.
Oblivious much?
Maybe I blew my chance without realising?
Maybe I need to take matters in to my own hands? I may never completely have you but if I could at least have a part of you then maybe I can make peace. Or will it be too little too late?
And while I toy with the idea of just throwing myself at you whenever the chance arises, to tempt you, tease you, to get you to want me again I ask myself one question.
Question is can I be that selfish?
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Author: Dissy
Summary: The Silent Enemy
Disclaimer: Not real
Dedication: To anyone who could be bothered reading it.
Note: Short. Then again most my posts are. This serves as a bit of a filler to get the story progressing. My writing may be choppy or hard to follow at times but I'm just trying to get a feel of where to go with this, hope you understand.
--------------------
When I woke that morning, there was no sign of you. I searched every room until it dawned on me that perhaps you had an interview or a meeting, something of the sort that you failed to mention yesterday.
A pattern evolved from that day forth though. I would wait all day for calls, texts, for you to walk in the door so we could venture off in the city. Instead I would drag myself to bed at midnight and whenever I would wake in the morning hoping to see you, disappointment would pierce me because you had already left. The only reason I knew you even came back at night was a dirty mug or glass sitting by the sink, half empty.
-----------
When we returned home no effort was made to ignore me, avoid me, or the other extreme of apologising or explaining your actions. The way you act is as though everything from that night and the week following was swept under a rug. But some day little brother, that rug would need to be moved and the particles swept beneath it will resurface. And in this case a vacuum cleaner will not suffice to remove the layer of evidence that was left behind from your neglect and carelessness.
It almost pained me to look at Harlow and Sparrow. For one, they are the clear evidence of the family life you chose. Two, they provide the reality of the situation. The reality where there is absolutely no hope in this lifetime of us ever being able to be an ‘us’. I am simply “Joel’s twin”.
I had watched as your family smothered you. Clung to you, squeezed you, kissed you, vocalised how much they missed you and were glad you were home safe. I may have smiled genuinely when I too earned a hug from them. Nicole practically demanded I stay for dinner as she pulled back from me. How could I say no?
Throughout the meal I remained silent, listening to Harlow chatter away at how much she loves the dance lessons that she started last week and that she enjoys learning jazz more than ballet because…well I can’t remember her reasoning as that was the moment I chose to look up at you and our eyes met, if not only for a second, but in that one second the earth stood still.
Then it was my turn to ignore you, so my attention was quickly refocused on my niece telling me about how wonderful her dance teacher Miss Lucy is. You excused yourself and bolted up the stairs.
I spent time with the children because they had missed their uncle almost as much as they missed their father, but of course he was still locked away upstairs.
I smiled. I laughed. Maybe not whole heartedly but I do love the children and I don’t know if it alleviates the pain at least a little bit or adds to it tenfold.
When it was time for me to head home Harlow and Sparrow hugged me goodbye, I kissed their cheeks and said goodnight. As I was pulling on my jacket Nicole approached me and asked if I was busy tomorrow night. She had made plans for dinner for the two of you and the babysitter she arranged fell ill or some bullshit like that. Personally I don’t think she even arranged one and was counting on me to be free.
Apparently I am predictable. I told her I would be over tomorrow night at six.
---------------
After she thanked me multiple times and closed the door behind me, I returned to my ‘bachelor pad’ to be left alone with my thoughts once more. No one to tell me they missed me, no one to cling to me like their life depended on it and beg me not to leave for so long next time.
That leads me to where I am now, currently sitting outside enjoying the bite the night air has on my skin. It is somewhat refreshing when I have subconsciously doomed myself in to depression. A glass of orange juice in hand, as I had sworn off alcohol. I may be confused but I know I need to at least keep the promises I had made to you so long ago. Another time in my life I wish I could forget. Back then you preached that ‘time heals all wounds’.
Time heals all wounds. Time heals all wounds?!? Time is the silent enemy that makes us believe there is hope for the future. That miraculously one day we will wake and something will go ‘right’ in our lives ‘for once’.
Time, as I have discovered recently, is slowly eating away at my mental stability. It has me sitting on the edge of the seat; biting my nails and feeling my heart break away piece by piece. My heart beats for you. It craves you the same was my lungs crave air, my stomach craves food and any other ridiculous comparison I can make to bodily functions that make any sense and contribute to be a normally functioning human being.
Time is something I ran out of when you met Nicole and it troubles me that I am only just realising this now.
Forget the idea of a light bulb suddenly switching on in my brain; I have an explosion of memories.
Hands discretely brushing against one another’s while walking, stolen glances, close proximity when lounging around, hugs that lasted too long between two men but went unnoticed as they were viewed as brotherly hugs, nights sharing a hotel bed because management fucked up and booked the wrong bedding configurations. We never spent those nights on the edge of the bed; we always met in the middle. Arms, legs, backs…somehow we were always touching.
Oblivious much?
Maybe I blew my chance without realising?
Maybe I need to take matters in to my own hands? I may never completely have you but if I could at least have a part of you then maybe I can make peace. Or will it be too little too late?
And while I toy with the idea of just throwing myself at you whenever the chance arises, to tempt you, tease you, to get you to want me again I ask myself one question.
Question is can I be that selfish?
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