I'll Be Chapter 1 (part 2)
Title: I'll Be (1/30)
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Benji/Joel
Summary: Benji Madden is turning 23 today. He is starting a new job on Monday at the Lakeview County School System as the Administrator for all the buses, routes, and busdrivers in the county. Life is finally getting on track and he is just as happy not having to put up with the bother of a relationship. However, tonight, his friends have set him up with a very special birthday surprise...Joel Combs is turning 18 today. He is the reigning Chess Champion in the state of Maryland, three years running now, soon to be four. All his life, he has never fit in and is a terminal geek. When two of the most popular guys in his senior class offer to help him celebrate his birthday, how could he reisist...As the paths of these two men cross unexpectedly, will they be just another love suicide, never revealing their depth? Or will they be able to see that they belong together...and become the greatest fan of each other's life? (AU and Twins are not related...so no guilt, lol)
And cue the Disclaimer: I don’t own or know the Madden twins. This never happened. I have not, did not, and will never ever make any money off of this. The story is purely a work of fiction.
Notes: This is in answer to a song fic challenge issued by luvmeanspain for Edwin McCain's "I'll Be". therefore, it is likewise respectfully dedicated to her as well. I hope that she and all of you, enjoy reading as much as I did writing it.
Chapter 1 I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder part 1
Chapter 1 - I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder (part 2)
Long minutes passed, before their movements stilled and Benji slipped out of his body. Stumbling back, Benji took off the condom and tied it. Spying a trash can in the near corner, he tossed it in and put his cock back inside his pants. Taking off his shirt, he removed his wife beater underneath so he could wipe off his hand. Slipping the shirt back on, he walked around the front to Joel. He was about to ask if he needed to call the person who had set him up, when he saw Joel’s face and then his hands.
“Oh my God,” Benji whispered. Joel wasn’t aware of it but his hands were turning bluish gray. As fast as he could, Benji released both of Joel’s wrists. Prepared for it, Benji wasn’t surprised when Joel fell into his arms.
“Sorry,” Joel mumbled, his body shaking and twitching.
“It’s okay,” Benji murmured. “We’ve got to get your legs undone and your balls too okay?”
“M’kay,” Joel nodded, allowing Benji to basically lean him over his shoulder.
Struggling with the straps, Benji got his ankles free. Feeling up Joel’s thigh, he released the other leather ring as well, then slowly stood up, sweeping Joel into his arms. Benji was glad that most of Joel’s ejaculate had hit the floor or his hand. Seeing a bench on the side wall, he carried Joel over to it and sat down with him in his arms. Using his undershirt, he cleaned the kid up as best he could, then situated him so that he could rub Joel’s hands. They were cold as ice.
“You should have told me about your hands,” Benji said sternly, his worry evident in his voice.
“Didn’t know,” Joel whispered, his eyes shut and his head lying on Benji’s shoulder. He liked being held. It made him feel safe and wanted. “Besides, you had me in an Absolute Pin.”
“Say what?” Benji asked confused.
“It’s a chess term,” Joel yawned, snuggling in to the crook of Benji’s neck.
“You play chess?” Benji said a bit unnerved because that didn’t fit with his image of an exotic entertainer.
“State champion 3 years running,” Joel smiled, sleepily, but his pride in his ability still seeped through. “I’m damned good.”
Benji laughed, and took hold of Joel’s other cold hand, now that he had the first one warm. “I see. So I reminded you of chess tonight? I guess that makes me damned good too.”
“You were better than chess,” Joel said in a breathy voice. “So much better.”
Benji sighed. “Damn Joel, you really cut it close with your hands.”
“I never felt like that before and I wasn’t paying attention to them,” Joel whined, his brow furrowing.
“Do you get this caught up with every customer?”
“Nope,” Joel accentuated the ‘p’, his mind still hazed with drugs and his body limp from exertion. “What’s a customer?”
“A client?” Benji supplied, studying the hand he was working on for any signs of increased blood flow. “You know, the guys you entertain here.”
“Where is here?”
Benji paused and looked down at Joel’s face. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
Joel sighed and opened them, staring unseeing into Benji’s face. Benji noticed the dilated pupils and the red tint to the whites. “Are you on something?”
The question hit home hard. Joel’s bottom lip quivered as he recalled the events from earlier in the evening. “They gave me something called E and I think it was a drug.” Tears welled up in his eyes.
“Ecstasy?” Benji questioned in disbelief, his stomach starting to fill with dread. “Do they give that to all their employees?”
“Who?”
“Sticks ‘n’ Stones,” Benji supplied, staring at Joel intently.
“Why would I work for them?” Joel’s lip quivered more. “I’m not some whore .”
Benji felt his world spin. “Who gave you the E, the drug tonight, Joel?”
“Ty and Brandon,” Joel whispered, tears spilling over. “They told me they were my friends. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday but as soon as I drank that water at Ty’s house, the next thing I knew, I was all tied up. It felt like my body was on fire and I couldn’t talk. But then you came and saved me.” Joel hiccupped, his tears dripping off of his chin as he looked at Benji, wishing again he could see him clearly.
Oh God, what have I done, Benji thought.
“Did I do it wrong?” Joel asked, his voice quavering.
“Do what wrong?” Benji repeated dazed.
Joel blushed as more tears fell. “The…the…sex, did I do it right?”
Benji froze. “Why?”
“Cause,” Joel took in a sob like breath. “It was my first time and I didn’t know it could be done like that. I guess I didn’t do it right. And you know what‘s worse? I actually had sex before I ever got my first kiss!” He shook from head to toe, gut wrenching sobs ripping from his throat.
The realization that he had indeed taken this kid’s virginity, hit Benji like a ton of bricks. For a second, he was slow to respond. Joel’s words echoed through his head as Benji felt nauseous knowing Joel had never even been kissed! Finally, the sound of Joel’s broken soul penetrated his own paralysis. Reaching up, he pulled Joel’s head back down to his shoulder.
“Shh,” Benji murmured, wrapping his arms around him and rocking back and forth. “You did fine, Joel. You did fine.”
Joel kept crying because now that he had started, due to the drugs and all that had happened to him, he just couldn’t stop. Clinging to Benji like his life depended on it, he shook hard. The rolling emotions and pain were more than he could bear. Yet, slowly, with Benji’s arms around him, the horrible onslaught began to ebb.
As he felt Joel start to quiet down, Benji tried to figure out what to do. Looking around, Benji noticed that there were no bags and no signs of any clothing. He had no doubt those little shits that had duped Joel planned it out this way. Discreetly, he glanced at his watch. He was surprised to see that it was only 10:45 pm. It felt way later than that.
“Joel,” Benji said, tightening his arms around him. “Do you have any close friends or maybe a sibling or something?”
“I have an older brother,” Joel sniffled. “Josh, here in DC.”
Benji sighed in relief. “Do you know his phone number?”
“Yeah,” Joel nodded into his shoulder. “Why?”
“Because I think it would be a good idea to call him,” Benji said gently and felt Joel stiffen.
“I don’t want Josh to see me like this,” Joel whispered, tears starting again.
“Would he be angry?” Benji questioned quickly, not wanting to upset Joel but desperately needing to help him. “Does he know you…well that you are gay?”
“He knows,” Joel said, biting his lower lip. “He loves me anyway. But he’d be mad about the drugs. I promised him I‘d never take any.”
“But these drugs, you didn’t take on purpose,” Benji reminded him. “I think he would understand that.”
Joel thought about it for a minute, then nodded his head. “You are right. I just…I don’t want to disappoint him.”
“Do you want me to call him or do you think you can?” Benji asked, reaching into his side pocket for his phone.
“I’ll do it,” Joel whispered, his body starting to shake again as he tried to make his hands take the phone.
“Here, let me dial it for you,” Benji murmured, opening it up, then pausing to look in Joel’s eyes again. “I’ll hold it to your ear for you and the entire time you are talking to him…I’ll also hold you.”
“You won’t let go?” Joel choked out softly, his lips quivering.
“Not even for a second,” Benji promised sincerely. “And if it goes bad with him, I will still get you out of here myself.”
Joel knew Benji was telling the truth. He gave him his brother’s number and clumsily held on to Benji as it rang. Sure enough, Josh understood, although he was very worried. He promised to be there as soon as he could and that he would be discreet.
“Joel,” Benji said squeezing him a bit. “If you let me, I can get my jacket for you. It will only take a second.”
Fear danced through Joel’s belly. “You’re gonna leave me alone?”
“No,” Benji shook his head. “I will be right where you can see me.”
“Okay,” Joel said uncertainly.
Placing Joel gently on the bench beside him, Benji stood up and took off his dress shirt. “Here, let’s put this around you until I can get my jacket.”
Draping the shirt over Joel’s mid-section, Benji slipped on his wife beater, trying not to think about what was on it. “I’m going out the door, but I’ll leave it open so you can see me okay?”
Joel nodded, still very scared.
Stepping out into the hall, luck was with Benji. “Um, excuse me?”
“Yes?” Sylvia said, turning back around from just having left the staff’s restroom.
“I was wondering,” He smiled at her, hoping to charm her. “Could I possibly impose on you to get my coat for me and possibly a bottle of water?”
Sylvia was a couple doors down but she didn’t miss the number above the door this man had come out of. “Of course, Mr. Madden. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Startled by her use of his name, Benji momentarily stared, however, his quick mind formed another plan. “Uh, yeah actually there is. You like to…uh…fulfill fantasies here right?”
“As much as we can,” Sylvia shook her head, very curious now as to what he could possibly want.
“Well I…I have one that requires a blanket…just for fun of course,” Benji blushed profusely, glancing sideways at Joel. Seeing him shiver as the boy watched him, spurred him on. “There wasn’t one in here and I thought there would be.”
“Oh!” Sylvia said, her mind going to the props in the back room. “Here, let me see if I can get that for you.”
Taking the keys out of her pocket that led to the staff’s lounge, she walked past Benji, not looking in the room because of the keys. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” He turned to Joel and offered him a smile.
Joel continued shivering but he was a lot calmer. He did wish he could see Benji’s face though he wasn’t as fearful as a few moments ago. Benji was keeping his promise.
“Here you go,” Sylvia smiled as she came out with a soft, white blanket that looked like and adult-sized receiving blanket. Looking past him, she glimpsed Joel but didn’t’ recognize him. Focusing on Benji, she also handed him a bottle of water. “I’ll be right back with your jacket, Mr. Madden.”
“Thanks,” He said smiling. As soon as she left, he went to Joel.
“This should help,” He murmured and wrapped Joel up in the blanket. “After I get my jacket, I’ll give you some water too, okay?”
Joel nodded shyly. “Okay.”
Benji took out his wallet and grabbed a twenty dollar bill. Perfectly timed, he met Sylvia just outside the door so she didn’t have a chance to look in. “Ah, there it is. And a little something for you.”
“Why thank you!” Sylvia beamed.
“You are most welcome,” Benji winked. “Oh and one more thing, I have a friend coming that wants to drop in and wish me Happy Birthday. He will be requesting my room number. Could you let him know let him know where to go? His name is Josh.”
“I’d be glad to,” Sylvia smiled and went down the hall, thrilled that she’d been able to suck up to the owner’s special customer.
Closing the door, Benji came back to Joel and gave him his jacket too. Joel rubbed his cheek against it and felt the smooth texture of the leather. It smelled like Benji too. Just like his shirt had smelled. It was masculine, rich reminding Joel of a clear winter’s night by a fragrant fire.
“Now, how about some water?”
“Please,” Joel nodded, his throat dry. It took a couple of tries, but they eventually worked it out so that Joel drank about half the water by the time they were finished.
“There you go,” Benji smiled, sitting down beside him. “Let me know if you want more.”
“Benji?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for being so nice to me.”
Benji felt his gut twist. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just…sorry…about all of this. I honestly thought you worked here and were my birthday present.”
“It’s your birthday, too?” Joel said in surprise. Benji nodded. “How old are you?”
“23. And you?”
“I turned 18 today,” Joel offered.
Benji felt more of the color drain from his already pale face. The kid was barely legal! That thought brought another one…and this one was far worse…
“So I guess that makes you a senior, huh?” Benji asked, trying not to cringe and praying that he was wrong.
“Yes, I’ll graduate in June,” Joel said closing his eyes and leaning his head on to Benji’s shoulder.
No matter how he tried, Benji could not bring himself to ask Joel what school he attended. Quite frankly, he didn’t want to know. Sighing, he knew that he would have to ask. It was better to be informed than to go on blindly. Just as he was formulating the words, there was a knock on the door.
“Josh?” Benji asked the short blonde haired, blue eyes guy with a duffel bag at the door.
“Yeah,” He said, his eyes looking past him toward Joel.
“Great, come on in,” Benji quickly let him inside and shut the door.
As they worked and explained things to Josh, no matter how carefully they said things, Josh began to catch on to the whole picture. His face grew more concerned with each moment. Once they had gotten Joel dressed, Benji excused himself to the bathroom for a minute.
“Benji?” Joel called out, his voice fearful again.
“Yeah, Joel?”
“Are you coming back?”
“Yep, just take a second.”
Benji walked into the men’s room and headed straight for the sink. Turning on the cold water, he splashed his face with shaky hands. Looking at his face in the mirror, he couldn’t believe he had gotten himself caught up in this mess. Splashing his face again, he turned reaching for a paper towel.
Josh handed it to him.
“What…why are you here?” Benji said startled.
“Did you rape him?” Josh demanded in a low voice.
“You shouldn’t have left Joel alone,” Benji hissed. “He’s scared.”
“Answer me!” Josh said fiercely, grabbing Benji’s arm as he tried to walk past him.
“I didn’t rape him,” Benji said, his stomach twisting as he said it. God, had he raped him?
Josh searched his eyes for a moment, then nodded, seeing that there was truth there. “I had to be sure.”
“I understand,” Benji said, gesturing toward the door. “We need to get back to him.”
“He’s a good kid,” Josh said before they got to the door. “Joel didn’t deserve this. It’s those fucking jocks at that damned school!”
“Jocks can be the worst,” Benji agreed and saw his opening to finally get some answers. “What county does Joel attend school in?”
“This one,” Josh sighed and walked into the room.
Benji felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of him. Joel didn’t attend Lakeview. At the same time, sadness enveloped. In a few moments, he’d never see him again.
Sitting on the bench with his legs drawn up to his chest, Joel watched the door, praying fervently that Benji would walk in behind Josh. When his brother had wanted to go to the bathroom, Joel had said it was fine. Josh had asked him where his glasses were just as he stepped on them while getting ready to go after Benji. If Joel hadn’t been so damned worn out, he would have laughed. The drugs were wearing off, however, and he was thinking clearer. If Josh went in there with Benji, there was a better chance of him coming back here to Joel. Holding his breath, he exhaled deeply, when he saw Benji’s form coming back into the room.
“Hey,” Benji said to him, sitting down beside him. “Are you alright?”
“I’m better,” Joel answered truthfully. “Things are getting clearer in my mind.”
“Good,” Benji nodded, having to fight the urge to take Joel’s hand. “That’s really good.”
“I’ll give you your jacket back,” Joel began but Benji stopped him, knowing Josh, in his haste, had forgotten to bring him one.
“No need,” Benji shook his head. “I have another one so feel free to keep it or…whatever.”
“Are you ready to go?” Josh asked his brother, touching his shoulder as he picked up his bag.
“In a minute,” Joel said. “Can you wait for me at the end of the hall?”
Josh looked from Benji to Joel, not really wanting to leave his brother.
“I’ll help him get to you,” Benji offered, wanting the moment alone as much as Joel did.
“Okay,” Josh finally conceded. “I’ll give you 5 minutes.”
“Thanks,” Joel said, smiling and Josh slipped out the door, closing it behind him.
For several seconds, they sat in silence, each looking at his own hands. Benji found his voice first.
“Joel, I’m really, really sorry about all this,” Benji apologized. “I honestly didn’t know and you deserved so much better than…this.” He motioned to the room around them.
“Actually,” Joel said, still looking down at the form of his hands. “I’m glad.”
“Glad?” Benji repeated, dumbly. “Glad about which part?”
“You.”
Warmth spread through Benji and an indescribable feeling flowed with it. “Joel…”
“No,” Joel said, summoning what dignity and courage he had left. “It’s true. And I…I am not stupid. I know when you help me down the hall,” He swallowed, a lump rising in his throat. “That we won’t see each other again. But I want you to know, I don’t regret it, even though it was an accident.”
It became extremely hard for Benji to breathe. He knew he needed to respond but it was more than he could do at the moment. Without thinking, his hands reached out for Joel and he pulled him into his arms with great care. Holding him like he was the most precious thing in the world, Benji did his best to remember every detail about the boy in his arms. Benji loosened his grip and stood up, offering his hand to Joel.
“I think we should go,” Benji whispered and Joel looked down.
He took Benji’s hand and stood up slowly. Releasing it, Joel walked to the door, stopping just before it. He turned his head to the side and said, “Benji?”
“Yeah?” Benji answered a few steps behind him.
“I’ll never forget you,” Joel’s voice cracked. “Happy Birthday.”
Benji felt something break inside of him. “Wait.”
Turning Joel around, he pulled him back into his arms. Joel molded himself against the older man, wanting to stay that way forever. Something about him just felt right. And the more the ecstasy wore off, the more Joel knew that what he had shared with Benji was something that damned drug had nothing to do with at all. It was killing him inside to have to let it go.
“Benji?” Joel whispered in his ear, clinging to him.
“Yes, Joel?” Benji whispered back, holding him tightly.
“Would you kiss me?” Joel requested, breathing in his ear. “I just want to see what it’s like. For my birthday.”
He knew he shouldn’t. He had already taken Joel’s virtue and this was the last of Joel’s innocence that he could share with someone. Yet even as he reasoned that, Benji knew what his answer would be.
“Joel, I would be honored,” He whispered.
As he pulled back, his cheek brushed Joel’s and they did what came naturally for them both. Joel closed his eyes as he felt Benji’s lips touch his. It wasn’t a passionate kiss. This was an expression of caring. Sweet and simple, the meaning was clear for them both. Their lips moved against each other in gentle caresses until they both pulled fully apart.
Thanking him with his eyes, Joel smiled.
“Happy Birthday, Joel.”
“Happy Birthday, Benji.”
They opened the door and walked down the hall. Josh met the halfway. Knowing it would look bad if they walked out together, Benji hung back, letting them go first. The second Joel was out of his sight, Benji had to hold himself back. Everything inside of him wanted to run after him. He stood there stone still for a good ten minutes. Glancing at his phone, he saw that it was now nearly midnight.
Walking out of the hall, Benji gazed at the bar and noticed the lady who had helped him. Mechanically, he took out his wallet and grabbed another twenty. “Thank you,” He said, smiling…or at least he hoped he was smiling.
“You’re welcome,” She smiled but it faltered. “Is everything okay?”
Not trusting his voice, Benji nodded and gave her a little salute as a gesture of good-bye. As soon as he had exited the building, Benji went straight to his car. Getting in it, his shaking hands dropped the keys. He ran his hand over his face in frustration and found tears there.
“Oh God!” Benji sobbed and put his face in his hands. It all caught up with him at once. The horrible trick that had been pulled on Joel…and consequently, himself; the painful, unfeeling way he had taken Joel’s virginity; realizing that Joel had lost his virginity before he’d even been kissed; and last but not least, the most beautiful moments he had ever shared with someone in his life…were now over and gone…forever.
Feeling as though the world was ending Benji cried his heart out.
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Benji/Joel
Summary: Benji Madden is turning 23 today. He is starting a new job on Monday at the Lakeview County School System as the Administrator for all the buses, routes, and busdrivers in the county. Life is finally getting on track and he is just as happy not having to put up with the bother of a relationship. However, tonight, his friends have set him up with a very special birthday surprise...Joel Combs is turning 18 today. He is the reigning Chess Champion in the state of Maryland, three years running now, soon to be four. All his life, he has never fit in and is a terminal geek. When two of the most popular guys in his senior class offer to help him celebrate his birthday, how could he reisist...As the paths of these two men cross unexpectedly, will they be just another love suicide, never revealing their depth? Or will they be able to see that they belong together...and become the greatest fan of each other's life? (AU and Twins are not related...so no guilt, lol)
And cue the Disclaimer: I don’t own or know the Madden twins. This never happened. I have not, did not, and will never ever make any money off of this. The story is purely a work of fiction.
Notes: This is in answer to a song fic challenge issued by luvmeanspain for Edwin McCain's "I'll Be". therefore, it is likewise respectfully dedicated to her as well. I hope that she and all of you, enjoy reading as much as I did writing it.
Chapter 1 I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder part 1
Chapter 1 - I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder (part 2)
Long minutes passed, before their movements stilled and Benji slipped out of his body. Stumbling back, Benji took off the condom and tied it. Spying a trash can in the near corner, he tossed it in and put his cock back inside his pants. Taking off his shirt, he removed his wife beater underneath so he could wipe off his hand. Slipping the shirt back on, he walked around the front to Joel. He was about to ask if he needed to call the person who had set him up, when he saw Joel’s face and then his hands.
“Oh my God,” Benji whispered. Joel wasn’t aware of it but his hands were turning bluish gray. As fast as he could, Benji released both of Joel’s wrists. Prepared for it, Benji wasn’t surprised when Joel fell into his arms.
“Sorry,” Joel mumbled, his body shaking and twitching.
“It’s okay,” Benji murmured. “We’ve got to get your legs undone and your balls too okay?”
“M’kay,” Joel nodded, allowing Benji to basically lean him over his shoulder.
Struggling with the straps, Benji got his ankles free. Feeling up Joel’s thigh, he released the other leather ring as well, then slowly stood up, sweeping Joel into his arms. Benji was glad that most of Joel’s ejaculate had hit the floor or his hand. Seeing a bench on the side wall, he carried Joel over to it and sat down with him in his arms. Using his undershirt, he cleaned the kid up as best he could, then situated him so that he could rub Joel’s hands. They were cold as ice.
“You should have told me about your hands,” Benji said sternly, his worry evident in his voice.
“Didn’t know,” Joel whispered, his eyes shut and his head lying on Benji’s shoulder. He liked being held. It made him feel safe and wanted. “Besides, you had me in an Absolute Pin.”
“Say what?” Benji asked confused.
“It’s a chess term,” Joel yawned, snuggling in to the crook of Benji’s neck.
“You play chess?” Benji said a bit unnerved because that didn’t fit with his image of an exotic entertainer.
“State champion 3 years running,” Joel smiled, sleepily, but his pride in his ability still seeped through. “I’m damned good.”
Benji laughed, and took hold of Joel’s other cold hand, now that he had the first one warm. “I see. So I reminded you of chess tonight? I guess that makes me damned good too.”
“You were better than chess,” Joel said in a breathy voice. “So much better.”
Benji sighed. “Damn Joel, you really cut it close with your hands.”
“I never felt like that before and I wasn’t paying attention to them,” Joel whined, his brow furrowing.
“Do you get this caught up with every customer?”
“Nope,” Joel accentuated the ‘p’, his mind still hazed with drugs and his body limp from exertion. “What’s a customer?”
“A client?” Benji supplied, studying the hand he was working on for any signs of increased blood flow. “You know, the guys you entertain here.”
“Where is here?”
Benji paused and looked down at Joel’s face. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
Joel sighed and opened them, staring unseeing into Benji’s face. Benji noticed the dilated pupils and the red tint to the whites. “Are you on something?”
The question hit home hard. Joel’s bottom lip quivered as he recalled the events from earlier in the evening. “They gave me something called E and I think it was a drug.” Tears welled up in his eyes.
“Ecstasy?” Benji questioned in disbelief, his stomach starting to fill with dread. “Do they give that to all their employees?”
“Who?”
“Sticks ‘n’ Stones,” Benji supplied, staring at Joel intently.
“Why would I work for them?” Joel’s lip quivered more. “I’m not some whore .”
Benji felt his world spin. “Who gave you the E, the drug tonight, Joel?”
“Ty and Brandon,” Joel whispered, tears spilling over. “They told me they were my friends. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday but as soon as I drank that water at Ty’s house, the next thing I knew, I was all tied up. It felt like my body was on fire and I couldn’t talk. But then you came and saved me.” Joel hiccupped, his tears dripping off of his chin as he looked at Benji, wishing again he could see him clearly.
Oh God, what have I done, Benji thought.
“Did I do it wrong?” Joel asked, his voice quavering.
“Do what wrong?” Benji repeated dazed.
Joel blushed as more tears fell. “The…the…sex, did I do it right?”
Benji froze. “Why?”
“Cause,” Joel took in a sob like breath. “It was my first time and I didn’t know it could be done like that. I guess I didn’t do it right. And you know what‘s worse? I actually had sex before I ever got my first kiss!” He shook from head to toe, gut wrenching sobs ripping from his throat.
The realization that he had indeed taken this kid’s virginity, hit Benji like a ton of bricks. For a second, he was slow to respond. Joel’s words echoed through his head as Benji felt nauseous knowing Joel had never even been kissed! Finally, the sound of Joel’s broken soul penetrated his own paralysis. Reaching up, he pulled Joel’s head back down to his shoulder.
“Shh,” Benji murmured, wrapping his arms around him and rocking back and forth. “You did fine, Joel. You did fine.”
Joel kept crying because now that he had started, due to the drugs and all that had happened to him, he just couldn’t stop. Clinging to Benji like his life depended on it, he shook hard. The rolling emotions and pain were more than he could bear. Yet, slowly, with Benji’s arms around him, the horrible onslaught began to ebb.
As he felt Joel start to quiet down, Benji tried to figure out what to do. Looking around, Benji noticed that there were no bags and no signs of any clothing. He had no doubt those little shits that had duped Joel planned it out this way. Discreetly, he glanced at his watch. He was surprised to see that it was only 10:45 pm. It felt way later than that.
“Joel,” Benji said, tightening his arms around him. “Do you have any close friends or maybe a sibling or something?”
“I have an older brother,” Joel sniffled. “Josh, here in DC.”
Benji sighed in relief. “Do you know his phone number?”
“Yeah,” Joel nodded into his shoulder. “Why?”
“Because I think it would be a good idea to call him,” Benji said gently and felt Joel stiffen.
“I don’t want Josh to see me like this,” Joel whispered, tears starting again.
“Would he be angry?” Benji questioned quickly, not wanting to upset Joel but desperately needing to help him. “Does he know you…well that you are gay?”
“He knows,” Joel said, biting his lower lip. “He loves me anyway. But he’d be mad about the drugs. I promised him I‘d never take any.”
“But these drugs, you didn’t take on purpose,” Benji reminded him. “I think he would understand that.”
Joel thought about it for a minute, then nodded his head. “You are right. I just…I don’t want to disappoint him.”
“Do you want me to call him or do you think you can?” Benji asked, reaching into his side pocket for his phone.
“I’ll do it,” Joel whispered, his body starting to shake again as he tried to make his hands take the phone.
“Here, let me dial it for you,” Benji murmured, opening it up, then pausing to look in Joel’s eyes again. “I’ll hold it to your ear for you and the entire time you are talking to him…I’ll also hold you.”
“You won’t let go?” Joel choked out softly, his lips quivering.
“Not even for a second,” Benji promised sincerely. “And if it goes bad with him, I will still get you out of here myself.”
Joel knew Benji was telling the truth. He gave him his brother’s number and clumsily held on to Benji as it rang. Sure enough, Josh understood, although he was very worried. He promised to be there as soon as he could and that he would be discreet.
“Joel,” Benji said squeezing him a bit. “If you let me, I can get my jacket for you. It will only take a second.”
Fear danced through Joel’s belly. “You’re gonna leave me alone?”
“No,” Benji shook his head. “I will be right where you can see me.”
“Okay,” Joel said uncertainly.
Placing Joel gently on the bench beside him, Benji stood up and took off his dress shirt. “Here, let’s put this around you until I can get my jacket.”
Draping the shirt over Joel’s mid-section, Benji slipped on his wife beater, trying not to think about what was on it. “I’m going out the door, but I’ll leave it open so you can see me okay?”
Joel nodded, still very scared.
Stepping out into the hall, luck was with Benji. “Um, excuse me?”
“Yes?” Sylvia said, turning back around from just having left the staff’s restroom.
“I was wondering,” He smiled at her, hoping to charm her. “Could I possibly impose on you to get my coat for me and possibly a bottle of water?”
Sylvia was a couple doors down but she didn’t miss the number above the door this man had come out of. “Of course, Mr. Madden. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Startled by her use of his name, Benji momentarily stared, however, his quick mind formed another plan. “Uh, yeah actually there is. You like to…uh…fulfill fantasies here right?”
“As much as we can,” Sylvia shook her head, very curious now as to what he could possibly want.
“Well I…I have one that requires a blanket…just for fun of course,” Benji blushed profusely, glancing sideways at Joel. Seeing him shiver as the boy watched him, spurred him on. “There wasn’t one in here and I thought there would be.”
“Oh!” Sylvia said, her mind going to the props in the back room. “Here, let me see if I can get that for you.”
Taking the keys out of her pocket that led to the staff’s lounge, she walked past Benji, not looking in the room because of the keys. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” He turned to Joel and offered him a smile.
Joel continued shivering but he was a lot calmer. He did wish he could see Benji’s face though he wasn’t as fearful as a few moments ago. Benji was keeping his promise.
“Here you go,” Sylvia smiled as she came out with a soft, white blanket that looked like and adult-sized receiving blanket. Looking past him, she glimpsed Joel but didn’t’ recognize him. Focusing on Benji, she also handed him a bottle of water. “I’ll be right back with your jacket, Mr. Madden.”
“Thanks,” He said smiling. As soon as she left, he went to Joel.
“This should help,” He murmured and wrapped Joel up in the blanket. “After I get my jacket, I’ll give you some water too, okay?”
Joel nodded shyly. “Okay.”
Benji took out his wallet and grabbed a twenty dollar bill. Perfectly timed, he met Sylvia just outside the door so she didn’t have a chance to look in. “Ah, there it is. And a little something for you.”
“Why thank you!” Sylvia beamed.
“You are most welcome,” Benji winked. “Oh and one more thing, I have a friend coming that wants to drop in and wish me Happy Birthday. He will be requesting my room number. Could you let him know let him know where to go? His name is Josh.”
“I’d be glad to,” Sylvia smiled and went down the hall, thrilled that she’d been able to suck up to the owner’s special customer.
Closing the door, Benji came back to Joel and gave him his jacket too. Joel rubbed his cheek against it and felt the smooth texture of the leather. It smelled like Benji too. Just like his shirt had smelled. It was masculine, rich reminding Joel of a clear winter’s night by a fragrant fire.
“Now, how about some water?”
“Please,” Joel nodded, his throat dry. It took a couple of tries, but they eventually worked it out so that Joel drank about half the water by the time they were finished.
“There you go,” Benji smiled, sitting down beside him. “Let me know if you want more.”
“Benji?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for being so nice to me.”
Benji felt his gut twist. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just…sorry…about all of this. I honestly thought you worked here and were my birthday present.”
“It’s your birthday, too?” Joel said in surprise. Benji nodded. “How old are you?”
“23. And you?”
“I turned 18 today,” Joel offered.
Benji felt more of the color drain from his already pale face. The kid was barely legal! That thought brought another one…and this one was far worse…
“So I guess that makes you a senior, huh?” Benji asked, trying not to cringe and praying that he was wrong.
“Yes, I’ll graduate in June,” Joel said closing his eyes and leaning his head on to Benji’s shoulder.
No matter how he tried, Benji could not bring himself to ask Joel what school he attended. Quite frankly, he didn’t want to know. Sighing, he knew that he would have to ask. It was better to be informed than to go on blindly. Just as he was formulating the words, there was a knock on the door.
“Josh?” Benji asked the short blonde haired, blue eyes guy with a duffel bag at the door.
“Yeah,” He said, his eyes looking past him toward Joel.
“Great, come on in,” Benji quickly let him inside and shut the door.
As they worked and explained things to Josh, no matter how carefully they said things, Josh began to catch on to the whole picture. His face grew more concerned with each moment. Once they had gotten Joel dressed, Benji excused himself to the bathroom for a minute.
“Benji?” Joel called out, his voice fearful again.
“Yeah, Joel?”
“Are you coming back?”
“Yep, just take a second.”
Benji walked into the men’s room and headed straight for the sink. Turning on the cold water, he splashed his face with shaky hands. Looking at his face in the mirror, he couldn’t believe he had gotten himself caught up in this mess. Splashing his face again, he turned reaching for a paper towel.
Josh handed it to him.
“What…why are you here?” Benji said startled.
“Did you rape him?” Josh demanded in a low voice.
“You shouldn’t have left Joel alone,” Benji hissed. “He’s scared.”
“Answer me!” Josh said fiercely, grabbing Benji’s arm as he tried to walk past him.
“I didn’t rape him,” Benji said, his stomach twisting as he said it. God, had he raped him?
Josh searched his eyes for a moment, then nodded, seeing that there was truth there. “I had to be sure.”
“I understand,” Benji said, gesturing toward the door. “We need to get back to him.”
“He’s a good kid,” Josh said before they got to the door. “Joel didn’t deserve this. It’s those fucking jocks at that damned school!”
“Jocks can be the worst,” Benji agreed and saw his opening to finally get some answers. “What county does Joel attend school in?”
“This one,” Josh sighed and walked into the room.
Benji felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of him. Joel didn’t attend Lakeview. At the same time, sadness enveloped. In a few moments, he’d never see him again.
Sitting on the bench with his legs drawn up to his chest, Joel watched the door, praying fervently that Benji would walk in behind Josh. When his brother had wanted to go to the bathroom, Joel had said it was fine. Josh had asked him where his glasses were just as he stepped on them while getting ready to go after Benji. If Joel hadn’t been so damned worn out, he would have laughed. The drugs were wearing off, however, and he was thinking clearer. If Josh went in there with Benji, there was a better chance of him coming back here to Joel. Holding his breath, he exhaled deeply, when he saw Benji’s form coming back into the room.
“Hey,” Benji said to him, sitting down beside him. “Are you alright?”
“I’m better,” Joel answered truthfully. “Things are getting clearer in my mind.”
“Good,” Benji nodded, having to fight the urge to take Joel’s hand. “That’s really good.”
“I’ll give you your jacket back,” Joel began but Benji stopped him, knowing Josh, in his haste, had forgotten to bring him one.
“No need,” Benji shook his head. “I have another one so feel free to keep it or…whatever.”
“Are you ready to go?” Josh asked his brother, touching his shoulder as he picked up his bag.
“In a minute,” Joel said. “Can you wait for me at the end of the hall?”
Josh looked from Benji to Joel, not really wanting to leave his brother.
“I’ll help him get to you,” Benji offered, wanting the moment alone as much as Joel did.
“Okay,” Josh finally conceded. “I’ll give you 5 minutes.”
“Thanks,” Joel said, smiling and Josh slipped out the door, closing it behind him.
For several seconds, they sat in silence, each looking at his own hands. Benji found his voice first.
“Joel, I’m really, really sorry about all this,” Benji apologized. “I honestly didn’t know and you deserved so much better than…this.” He motioned to the room around them.
“Actually,” Joel said, still looking down at the form of his hands. “I’m glad.”
“Glad?” Benji repeated, dumbly. “Glad about which part?”
“You.”
Warmth spread through Benji and an indescribable feeling flowed with it. “Joel…”
“No,” Joel said, summoning what dignity and courage he had left. “It’s true. And I…I am not stupid. I know when you help me down the hall,” He swallowed, a lump rising in his throat. “That we won’t see each other again. But I want you to know, I don’t regret it, even though it was an accident.”
It became extremely hard for Benji to breathe. He knew he needed to respond but it was more than he could do at the moment. Without thinking, his hands reached out for Joel and he pulled him into his arms with great care. Holding him like he was the most precious thing in the world, Benji did his best to remember every detail about the boy in his arms. Benji loosened his grip and stood up, offering his hand to Joel.
“I think we should go,” Benji whispered and Joel looked down.
He took Benji’s hand and stood up slowly. Releasing it, Joel walked to the door, stopping just before it. He turned his head to the side and said, “Benji?”
“Yeah?” Benji answered a few steps behind him.
“I’ll never forget you,” Joel’s voice cracked. “Happy Birthday.”
Benji felt something break inside of him. “Wait.”
Turning Joel around, he pulled him back into his arms. Joel molded himself against the older man, wanting to stay that way forever. Something about him just felt right. And the more the ecstasy wore off, the more Joel knew that what he had shared with Benji was something that damned drug had nothing to do with at all. It was killing him inside to have to let it go.
“Benji?” Joel whispered in his ear, clinging to him.
“Yes, Joel?” Benji whispered back, holding him tightly.
“Would you kiss me?” Joel requested, breathing in his ear. “I just want to see what it’s like. For my birthday.”
He knew he shouldn’t. He had already taken Joel’s virtue and this was the last of Joel’s innocence that he could share with someone. Yet even as he reasoned that, Benji knew what his answer would be.
“Joel, I would be honored,” He whispered.
As he pulled back, his cheek brushed Joel’s and they did what came naturally for them both. Joel closed his eyes as he felt Benji’s lips touch his. It wasn’t a passionate kiss. This was an expression of caring. Sweet and simple, the meaning was clear for them both. Their lips moved against each other in gentle caresses until they both pulled fully apart.
Thanking him with his eyes, Joel smiled.
“Happy Birthday, Joel.”
“Happy Birthday, Benji.”
They opened the door and walked down the hall. Josh met the halfway. Knowing it would look bad if they walked out together, Benji hung back, letting them go first. The second Joel was out of his sight, Benji had to hold himself back. Everything inside of him wanted to run after him. He stood there stone still for a good ten minutes. Glancing at his phone, he saw that it was now nearly midnight.
Walking out of the hall, Benji gazed at the bar and noticed the lady who had helped him. Mechanically, he took out his wallet and grabbed another twenty. “Thank you,” He said, smiling…or at least he hoped he was smiling.
“You’re welcome,” She smiled but it faltered. “Is everything okay?”
Not trusting his voice, Benji nodded and gave her a little salute as a gesture of good-bye. As soon as he had exited the building, Benji went straight to his car. Getting in it, his shaking hands dropped the keys. He ran his hand over his face in frustration and found tears there.
“Oh God!” Benji sobbed and put his face in his hands. It all caught up with him at once. The horrible trick that had been pulled on Joel…and consequently, himself; the painful, unfeeling way he had taken Joel’s virginity; realizing that Joel had lost his virginity before he’d even been kissed; and last but not least, the most beautiful moments he had ever shared with someone in his life…were now over and gone…forever.
Feeling as though the world was ending Benji cried his heart out.