Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Fifteen Minutes
Well, that only took eight months a week and a half, then.
1) Warning: strong language. Not quite as persistently as in POA/15M, but there you are.
2) No, I never went back and did Order of the Phoenix for some reason (nor Chamber of Secrets). I should get on that. But Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone is in the book and Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire are online.
3) Yes, I left out your favorite part. Was your favorite part already funny? Well, that's why I had to leave it out.
4) I do have a new agent and we're looking into American distribution for the book. (No, there's still just one. The other one is the hardcover.)
5) Feel free to link this places or make icons or make videos, but PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THE WHOLE THING SOMEWHERE ELSE. Send people here to read it. You can put up a few quotes and everything. Really, isn't it easier that way?
Our Story Begins
[... when Bellatrix and Fenrir Greyback and some other Death Eaters, I guess they're Carrows or something, twist up the Millennium Bridge like a Twizzler and raid Ollivander's shop over in Diagon Alley.]
The Prime Minister's Reaction
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
Some Diner
DUMBLEDORE: Aren't we supposed to be at the Dursleys' for a Very Significant Scene?
HARRY: I, well, uh... thought I'd flirt with this waitress? You know, in a brief attempt at having a relatively normal life?
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DUMBLEDORE: Please, the Chosen One doesn't get to be happy.
The Charming Village of Budleigh Babberton
SOME ARMCHAIR: Horace Slughorn is not here! He's on holiday! Dead! ON THE MOON!
[Dumbledore pokes Chairace Armslug and turns him back into a vain, wibbly former Potions master.]
HORACE SLUGHORN: Harry Potter! You look just like--
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HARRY: Okay, yes, I get it, I am the very zombie likeness of my father with my mother's eyes peering out the sockets, can we get over this?
SLUGHORN: Although you do not look anything like Regulus A. Black, who is in this picture right here, in case you were wondering.
DUMBLEDORE: Tea cozy pattern plz?
SLUGHORN: By the way, I definitely do not want to come back to Hogwarts, unquestionably NOT, undeniably NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT NO NO NO YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!
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DUMBLEDORE: Mmkay. Thnxbai.
SLUGHORN: OH IF YOU INSIST.
The Unbreakable Vow
[Narcissa has come to beg an unusually feathered Snape for her son's life, and indeed, she is so distraught that her hair has gone two-toned. Her sister Bellatrix, however, is somewhat doubtful of Snape's stick-to-it-iveness.]
SNAPE: Begone, Wormtail! Fetch us a meat pie or something.
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BELLATRIX: You realize that, in promising to cover Draco's ass, this is a vow that you cannot break, coward?
SNAPE: Yes.
BELLATRIX: Hence the unbreakability, scum?
SNAPE: Obviously.
BELLATRIX: And the vowness, Fluffy?
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SNAPE: BRING IT.
Weasley & Weasley's Plot Point Emporium
FRED (OR GEORGE): Wouldn't it be awful if someone used our Instant Darkness Powder to infiltrate Hogwarts, thus leading to the death of Professor Dumbledore instead of just a harmless prank?
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GEORGE (OR FRED): Well, that's why I put an anti-irony charm on it!
FRED (OR GEORGE): Excellent.
Draco Malfoy, Bringing Sexy Back Since: Now
LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERFUCKER, GODDAMN
YOU THINK THIS PUREBLOOD'S GOTTA FINISH SCHOOL WELL YOU ARE WRONG FOOL, HE'S TOO BUSY SCOPING CABINETS ON THE BADASS SIDE OF TOWN, HIS HAIR IS PLATINUM AND SO ARE HIS CREDIT CARDS--SQUIB, DON'T YOU TOUCH HIS CANE, THAT IS 24-CARAT PIMP.
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[... I'm not really much of a Draco fan.]
DRACO: *NOSEBREAK FOOTSTOMP*
Dumbledore's Office
DUMBLEDORE: Before we get started, Harry, is there any hope you can give the shippers who want to see you with Miss Granger?
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HARRY: Uh... no. Icky like a sister, sorry.
DUMBLEDORE: On to the Pensieve, then!
The Littlest Voldemort
BABY TOM RIDDLE: Sometimes snakes whisper to me. They tell me where to hide the bodies.
HARRY: So... Voldemort was a total serial killer from the age of, like, five.
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DUMBLEDORE: Dahmer in kneesocks, yes. And that's why I need you to gain Slughorn's trust and learn more about him. About Tom Riddle, I mean--Professor Slughorn just wants to collect you.
HARRY: In... like... a jar?
DUMBLEDORE: If necessary, yes.
HARRY: Is there anything else supremely creepy I should know about?
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DUMBLEDORE: Well, Bellatrix LeStrange's new best friend is a werewolf who bites jailbait and he's not even cute.
HARRY: D:
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, all right, we won't mention that part.
Slughorn's First Potions Class
SLUGHORN: Why, how ironic, Harry! You wouldn't have even made this class if my standards weren't so low, and here you turn out to be a potions genius!* Free Felix Felicis for you!
* Genius may or may not be real. Valid only for potions required in a sixth-year class. No refunds or exchanges; maim with unknown spells at your own risk.
[And that's why you always buy your textbooks used, kids.]
HERMIONE'S HAIR: *snarls*
Snape's First Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, A Position He Has Tried to Get Lo These Many Years and Everyone Has Deeply Feared Him Attaining
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
In Which Draco Sucks at Fixing Magic Cabinets
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DRACO: Hello, I am a Malfoy--I am not at Hogwarts to study cabinetry, what do you want from me?
The Three Broomsticks
[Because there's no better place than the local pub to spill booze on your students, make out where your brother can see, or fail to get people to kill Dumbledore.]
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HERMIONE: AUGH MY SWEATER
RON: AUGH MY SISTER
HARRY: AUGH MY CHEST MONSTER
KATIE BELL: *HEADSPIN*
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[Note: When a classmate is crucified mid-air by nothing in particular and then dropped on her ass from a great height, the best course of action is to stare and do nothing.]
McGonagall's Office
MCGONAGALL: So, this Katie Bell thing--
HARRY: I'm telling you, IT'S MALFOY.
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MCGONAGALL: Potter, if we believed you right now, there wouldn't be a movie. I thought you understood how these things work!
How We Know Who Harry Should Really Be With
[Quidditch Captain Harry [NOW WITH DECENT CGI ACTION!] is trying to run tryouts, except that everyone else wants to horse around and measure broomsticks and confund Ron's rival, Hottie McGrabfast. What, Hermione? Did you say something? Yeah, I didn't think--)
GINNY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
[*crickets*]
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HARRY: ... That's hot.
Slughorn's Dinner Party
HARRY: Ginny! She's late! And crying! I am totally going to assume her boyfriend is out of the picture--GINNY! GINNY I HAVE SAVED PROFITEROLES FOR YOU!
SEXFACE McFINGERLICK: Hey baby. You so fine, baby.
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HERMIONE: *shudder*
Pillow Talk
RON: Girls have... skin.
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HARRY: Well, most of them do.
RON: Hermione's is... pretty nice. I mean... if you're into that. Skin, and all.
HARRY: Yeah... Ginny's is... also... reasonably... adequate. You know... like yours.
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RON: ... I don't want to talk about this anymore.
The Big Day
[Goalkeeper Ron is about to vomit on his geometrical eggtoast and Harry may or may not have spiked his juice, but the important thing is that Luna is wearing a lion on her head.]
The Big Night
[After a lot of phallic goalie posturing with his broomstick, Ron is carried back to Gryffindor Tower a hero, where he TOTALLY STEALS HARRY AND GINNY'S KISS, THANKS and claims Lavender Brown as his groupie.]
HERMIONE: I've been occasionally awkward with him for five movies, Harry! In between all the scenes that were mostly about you and me being BFF, it did happen a few times! I took another boy to the Yule Ball to make him mad! I CHEATED FOR HIM, HARRY. Only you can understand my pain! HOLD ME.
RON: Hey, remember that last movie, when I actually got to say something besides--
HERMIONE: *CANARIAL VENGEANCE*
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RON: BLOODY HELL!
The Library
HERMIONE: LET ME TELL YOU, HOGWARTS, HOW DEEPLY I DO NOT CARE THAT RONALD IS SNOGGING SOMEONE ELSE.
Slughorn's Christmas Party
[So Hermione takes Beef McAbcrunch because she's pissed at Ron and Harry takes Luna because Luna is awesome, and anyone who is not Ron Weasley anyone is there at the biggest party of the year.]
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HARRY: Neville, what are you doing?
NEVILLE: Well, Professor Slughorn said... if I wanted any screentime in the movie at all... I could serve drinks at his party.
HARRY: Oh, Neville.
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[However, it's a very productive evening for Harry, who helps Hermione escape Buff McSmarmalots, gets Hunk McTouchyfeel to throw up on Snape's shoes, sees a Malfoy thrown out for gatecrashing, and eavesdrop-confirms that Snape and Malfoy are up to something.]
The Burrow
LUPIN: NO THEY ARE NOT UP TO ANYTHING HARRY THAT IS RIDICULOUS WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO BITTER AND ANGRY????
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TONKS: Sweetheart, I told you not to forget your Werewolf Midol.
[Meanwhile, Ginny is putting things in Harry's mouth and getting down on her knees because Ginevra Molly Weasley has some moves, let me tell you.]
LUPIN [sniffing]: SOMETHING IS AFOOT!
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TONKS: MY MULLET SENSES IT AS WELL!
[And suddenly Bellatrix and Pedowolf are there but I guess they forgot to bring any Carrows or whatever and Harry bolts after her for great Sirius-killing justice and Bellatrix throws a circle of fire around the house so no one can go help him and Tonks and Lupin sort of dance around unsure of what to do, maybe we should try to go after him, I mean you know he is kind of the Chosen One and he gets a bit crazy over the whole Sirius thing, I don't know, my mullet is a bit concerned, well I don't know why it's concerned now, you weren't even watching him at the beginning of the movie like you were supposed to, look here, my screentime was given to Luna, you really can't blame me for that, and besides, fire is kind of hot and that is your nice jacket after all, I mean, werewolves don't bring in a lot of money, what are we going to do if you scorch it, yes but someone really ought to go out there and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S GINNY FUCKING WEASLEY!]
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[Ginny and Harry kind of cower in the Weasley cornswamp until the adults come save them. Then Bellatrix burns down the Weasleys' house.]
Back at Hogwarts
[The Weasleys are presumably homeless now and Hedwig is a bit charred, but it's all okay because Lavender's giving Won-Won a really ugly necklace.]
Dumbledore's Office
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, this is the false memory that you must retrieve the correct version of. I must warn you, however, that it is very disturbing, as Babyface Tom Riddle's voice is unexpectedly deep.
The Pensieve
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Can you only mumble the mumble blah? I mean, wouldn't mumble whatsit be blibbity blah?
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SLUGHORN: Blah? My GOD, Tom, they'll have to split the last blee into mumbledyblah at that rate! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!
All the Other Flashbacks Explaining Anything About Tom Riddle
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[These scenes have been cut for time.]
The Potions Classroom
HARRY: So, Professor Slughorn... if I were Tom Riddle and you were going to tell me how to be evil, what would you say?
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DUMBLEDORE: *facepalm*
Slughorn's Office
HARRY: HELP HELP it's a really long story but there was a girl but not the right girl and some chocolates but they were poisoned and they were for me but I didn't eat them and--
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SLUGHORN: Oh, this Wembley of yours, his antics are delightful!
HARRY: HELP ME DAMMIT
SLUGHORN: Falling off the sofa, trying to molest me--
HARRY: ARRRGH
SLUGHORN: Look, he's foaming at the mouth! I've never seen anything funnier!
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HARRY: *BEZOAR*
The Hospital Wing
RON: Unnnnghhhhh... Hermione... skin... so adequate...
LAVENDER: *DESPAIR*
SLUGHORN: ô_O
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SNAPE: (X^(
Parting, Such Sweet Sorrow, Etc.
RON: So... what exactly did I say to Lavender? And why was she outside Gryffindor Tower last night holding a radio over her head?
Shootout at the Lavatory Corral
[Convinced that Draco cursed Katie Bell--well, I mean... even moreso than he was convinced before?--Harry follows him to a lavatory where he catches Draco weeping like a toddler BEING SENSITIVE, OKAY and they start fighting so, so dirty in such a clean, clean place. Unf.
HARRY: SPELL I'VE NEVER USED BEFORE!
DRACO: <~BLOODGUSH~>
HARRY: ... oh shit.
[Snape tenderly uses his wand to nurse Draco back to health, and a thousand hurt-comfort fics spontaneously spring into being.]
The Room of Requirement
GINNY: Okay, this book is BAD TOUCH and DO NOT WANT. We have to get rid of it.
HARRY: Hey, is that a diadem up there?
GINNY: NO. However, if you would be interested in some good touch...
Fifteen Very, Very Slooooow Minutes Later
HARRY: THAT'S IT? HIDE AND SEEK AND A TINY SMOOCH?
GINNY: *gives him a birthday IOU*
HARRY: ... ooh.
Luck Be a Liquid Tonight
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HERMIONE: So we have a plan, right? You're going to drink the Felix Felicis, track down Slughorn after dinner, and then...
Five Minutes Later
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HARRY: IT'S A GIANT SPIDER FUNERAL AND YOU'RE INVITED!!
Ten Minutes Later
SLUGHORN: Alas, Aragog, I... have no idea who he is, except that he's bloody huge and poaching his venom will make me a lot of money. Rest in peace, fair pincered one.
Eleven Minutes Later
HAGRID AND SLUGHORN [completely toasted]:
And Aragog the spider, they dug a big hole
In the forest he'd known as an egg
Crammed in like a big bristly profiterole
Then his pincer fell off, and his leeeeeeeeeeeg.
HARRY: *standing ovation*
Fifteen Minutes Later
HARRY: So if you don't tell us what really happened, my mother the fish will never come back! EVER!
SLUGHORN: *sobs*
Dumbledore's Office
HARRY: *VICTORY LAP*
The Pensieve
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Can you only split the soul once? I mean, wouldn't seven plot points be a lot harder to track down?
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SLUGHORN: Seven? My GOD, Tom, they'll have to split the last book into two movies at that rate!
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: But could it be done?
SLUGHORN: Well, I mean, sure, but you'd have to kill a bunch of people and round up a whole lot of plot points--
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Not to worry--I have a number of famous and/or personally meaningful objects I'm planning to use.
SLUGHORN: But... won't that make it easier for your enemies to guess what they are? Instead of using, I don't know--a rusty old key and a snail you found on the sidewalk?
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BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Yes, but, you see, we're not going to show any of the flashbacks that tell you those objects are important.
SLUGHORN: ... your genius is terrifying.
DUMBLEDORE: My God--it's diabolical. Two movies! They will literally make twice as much money!
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HARRY: Oh, a good bit more than that, I'd think, by the time you re-release the first one when the second one comes out, and then there's IMAX--
SNAPE: Excuse me, POTTER, I was hoping to have a cryptically bitchy conversation with the headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus, please. No one's allowed to question my wisdom in this movie.
The Cave of JEWELRY DOOM
DUMBLEDORE: Now, Harry: I must ask you to give me your word that no matter what happens, you will do as I say. If I must cut my hand instead of yours, if you have to feed me poison until I gibber and scream for death, if I forget who I am and what the hell we're even doing here--you must do as I say. Except for the part where I ask you to actually kill me. You can probably skip that.
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[Harry obeys. The only problem is, by the time a thousand zombie Gollums show up to eat Harry, Dumbledore's a bit... out of it. Fortunately, he remembers his wizardness, or at least someone's wizardness, in time to whip up a firestorm and get them the hell out of there:]
DUMBLEDALF: YOUUUUU! SHALL NOT! PAAAAAASS!
HARRY: NO! SIR! WE REALLY, REALLY WANT TO PASS!
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DUMBLEDALF: Really? We do?
HARRY: YES, REALLY!
The Part Where the Villain Talks Too Much (I)
[You know what would be fantastic? If Harry and Dumbledore got back to the Astronomy Tower and Draco chose right then to man up.]
DUMBLEDORE: No matter what happens, stay downstairs like a mouthbreather and do nothing.
HARRY: ...?
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DUMBLEDORE: Exactly. S'up, Draco?
DRACO: I am here to kill you, Professor. Whenever I feel like it. Any moment now.
DUMBLEDORE: You are no assassin, Draco.
DRACO: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I CURSED KATIE BELL TO TAKE A NECKLACE THAT MIGHT EVENTUALLY GET TO YOU! I MADE SURE THAT MEAD THAT MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE GIVEN AWAY BY HORACE SLUGHORN WAS POISONED! I SPENT A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME SCREWING AROUND WITH CABINETS!
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DUMBLEDORE: Draco... these actions are so convoluted and weak that I cannot help but feel that you are perhaps a bit of a pussy.
[Before Draco can actually get pissed off enough to do the deed, Bellatrix bounces in with Fenrir and some Carrows, kissing Draco on the ear because the Blacks keep it aaaaaall in the family. And then they all stand back and watch expectantly.]
DRACO: What the hell! I worked on fixing that cabinet ALL YEAR! Me, a MALFOY! Don't you have some kids to fight or something!
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BELLATRIX: Oh, Draco... we just came along for moral support!
Snape Kills Dumbledore, Page 606, Totally True
SNAPE: Shhhhh.
HARRY: Oh, so you've got this one, then? Excellent, you go take care of that. I mean, I know I never trusted you, and you've always been kind of a bastard to me just for existing, and this is not even to speak of the part we left out where you're the reason my parents actually got killed, but it's good to know that when the chips are down--
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SNAPE: AVADA KEDAVRA!
HARRY: WHAT
The Part Where the Villain Talks Too Much (II)
[Bellatrix takes her sweet-ass time kicking over the dinner plates and busting up the windows and skipping through the woods and dancing around Hagrid's flaming hut while Draco, Fenrir, and some Carrows stroll on down the hill.]
HARRY: YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH!!
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SNAPE: Are all Carrows present and accounted for!
HARRY: HE TRUSTED YOUUUUU!!
SNAPE: Bellatrix, if you really don't mind, we need to step lively here--
HARRY: SOMEWHAT INEXPLICABLY I ALSO TRUSTED YOUUUUU!!
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SNAPE: BELLATRIX, WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MARSHMALLOWS
HARRY: SECTUMSEMPRA!!
SNAPE: Bitch, please.
HARRY: ARRRRGH
SNAPE: *eyeroll*
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HARRY: *FALLS DOWN*
SNAPE: Look, do you mind? Yes, I am the Half-Blood Prince, and I just killed my only friend and I've got my hands full here with Prince Valiant and the pedowolf and however many Carrows we're up to now--BELLA! I said LET'S ROLL!
The Part That's Really Sad
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[Harry weeps over Dumbledore's lifeless body, Ginny holds him, and McGonagall leads the students in throwing up their lighters wands to dispel the Dark Mark. This is either a heartbreaking tribute or the worst outdoor concert ever.]
The Part Where Dumbledore Usually Explains It All
MCGONAGALL: But Harry, what about the "half" and the "blood" and the "prince"? No one ever said what that means!
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HARRY: *THE HAND*
The Astronomy Tower, Post Mortem
HARRY: So Snape killed Dumbledore, I stood there and watched, the locket is fake, I don't know who has it, and it was all for nothing.
RON: Well, we could go back and check the rest of the movie for blatant references to seemingly random people--
NO ONE: *listens to Ron*
HERMIONE: lol don't snog Ginny too much k?
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HARRY: WOMAN! DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD! I HAVE TO LEAVE MY ONLY HOME AND WANDER THE WORLD TO FIND THE OTHER HORCRUXES! FOCUS!
All the Flashbacks That Give Harry Any Idea of Where He Should Go or What He Should Do
[Sing it if you know the words.]
Fin.
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1) Warning: strong language. Not quite as persistently as in POA/15M, but there you are.
2) No, I never went back and did Order of the Phoenix for some reason (nor Chamber of Secrets). I should get on that. But Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone is in the book and Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire are online.
3) Yes, I left out your favorite part. Was your favorite part already funny? Well, that's why I had to leave it out.
4) I do have a new agent and we're looking into American distribution for the book. (No, there's still just one. The other one is the hardcover.)
5) Feel free to link this places or make icons or make videos, but PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THE WHOLE THING SOMEWHERE ELSE. Send people here to read it. You can put up a few quotes and everything. Really, isn't it easier that way?
Our Story Begins
[... when Bellatrix and Fenrir Greyback and some other Death Eaters, I guess they're Carrows or something, twist up the Millennium Bridge like a Twizzler and raid Ollivander's shop over in Diagon Alley.]
The Prime Minister's Reaction
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
Some Diner
DUMBLEDORE: Aren't we supposed to be at the Dursleys' for a Very Significant Scene?
HARRY: I, well, uh... thought I'd flirt with this waitress? You know, in a brief attempt at having a relatively normal life?
© 2009 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
DUMBLEDORE: Please, the Chosen One doesn't get to be happy.
The Charming Village of Budleigh Babberton
SOME ARMCHAIR: Horace Slughorn is not here! He's on holiday! Dead! ON THE MOON!
[Dumbledore pokes Chairace Armslug and turns him back into a vain, wibbly former Potions master.]
HORACE SLUGHORN: Harry Potter! You look just like--
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HARRY: Okay, yes, I get it, I am the very zombie likeness of my father with my mother's eyes peering out the sockets, can we get over this?
SLUGHORN: Although you do not look anything like Regulus A. Black, who is in this picture right here, in case you were wondering.
DUMBLEDORE: Tea cozy pattern plz?
SLUGHORN: By the way, I definitely do not want to come back to Hogwarts, unquestionably NOT, undeniably NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT NO NO NO YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!
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DUMBLEDORE: Mmkay. Thnxbai.
SLUGHORN: OH IF YOU INSIST.
The Unbreakable Vow
[Narcissa has come to beg an unusually feathered Snape for her son's life, and indeed, she is so distraught that her hair has gone two-toned. Her sister Bellatrix, however, is somewhat doubtful of Snape's stick-to-it-iveness.]
SNAPE: Begone, Wormtail! Fetch us a meat pie or something.
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BELLATRIX: You realize that, in promising to cover Draco's ass, this is a vow that you cannot break, coward?
SNAPE: Yes.
BELLATRIX: Hence the unbreakability, scum?
SNAPE: Obviously.
BELLATRIX: And the vowness, Fluffy?
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SNAPE: BRING IT.
Weasley & Weasley's Plot Point Emporium
FRED (OR GEORGE): Wouldn't it be awful if someone used our Instant Darkness Powder to infiltrate Hogwarts, thus leading to the death of Professor Dumbledore instead of just a harmless prank?
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GEORGE (OR FRED): Well, that's why I put an anti-irony charm on it!
FRED (OR GEORGE): Excellent.
Draco Malfoy, Bringing Sexy Back Since: Now
LOOK AT THIS GQ MOTHERFUCKER, GODDAMN
YOU THINK THIS PUREBLOOD'S GOTTA FINISH SCHOOL WELL YOU ARE WRONG FOOL, HE'S TOO BUSY SCOPING CABINETS ON THE BADASS SIDE OF TOWN, HIS HAIR IS PLATINUM AND SO ARE HIS CREDIT CARDS--SQUIB, DON'T YOU TOUCH HIS CANE, THAT IS 24-CARAT PIMP.
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[... I'm not really much of a Draco fan.]
DRACO: *NOSEBREAK FOOTSTOMP*
Dumbledore's Office
DUMBLEDORE: Before we get started, Harry, is there any hope you can give the shippers who want to see you with Miss Granger?
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HARRY: Uh... no. Icky like a sister, sorry.
DUMBLEDORE: On to the Pensieve, then!
The Littlest Voldemort
BABY TOM RIDDLE: Sometimes snakes whisper to me. They tell me where to hide the bodies.
HARRY: So... Voldemort was a total serial killer from the age of, like, five.
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DUMBLEDORE: Dahmer in kneesocks, yes. And that's why I need you to gain Slughorn's trust and learn more about him. About Tom Riddle, I mean--Professor Slughorn just wants to collect you.
HARRY: In... like... a jar?
DUMBLEDORE: If necessary, yes.
HARRY: Is there anything else supremely creepy I should know about?
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DUMBLEDORE: Well, Bellatrix LeStrange's new best friend is a werewolf who bites jailbait and he's not even cute.
HARRY: D:
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, all right, we won't mention that part.
Slughorn's First Potions Class
SLUGHORN: Why, how ironic, Harry! You wouldn't have even made this class if my standards weren't so low, and here you turn out to be a potions genius!* Free Felix Felicis for you!
* Genius may or may not be real. Valid only for potions required in a sixth-year class. No refunds or exchanges; maim with unknown spells at your own risk.
[And that's why you always buy your textbooks used, kids.]
HERMIONE'S HAIR: *snarls*
Snape's First Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, A Position He Has Tried to Get Lo These Many Years and Everyone Has Deeply Feared Him Attaining
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
In Which Draco Sucks at Fixing Magic Cabinets
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DRACO: Hello, I am a Malfoy--I am not at Hogwarts to study cabinetry, what do you want from me?
The Three Broomsticks
[Because there's no better place than the local pub to spill booze on your students, make out where your brother can see, or fail to get people to kill Dumbledore.]
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HERMIONE: AUGH MY SWEATER
RON: AUGH MY SISTER
HARRY: AUGH MY CHEST MONSTER
KATIE BELL: *HEADSPIN*
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[Note: When a classmate is crucified mid-air by nothing in particular and then dropped on her ass from a great height, the best course of action is to stare and do nothing.]
McGonagall's Office
MCGONAGALL: So, this Katie Bell thing--
HARRY: I'm telling you, IT'S MALFOY.
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MCGONAGALL: Potter, if we believed you right now, there wouldn't be a movie. I thought you understood how these things work!
How We Know Who Harry Should Really Be With
[Quidditch Captain Harry [NOW WITH DECENT CGI ACTION!] is trying to run tryouts, except that everyone else wants to horse around and measure broomsticks and confund Ron's rival, Hottie McGrabfast. What, Hermione? Did you say something? Yeah, I didn't think--)
GINNY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
[*crickets*]
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HARRY: ... That's hot.
Slughorn's Dinner Party
HARRY: Ginny! She's late! And crying! I am totally going to assume her boyfriend is out of the picture--GINNY! GINNY I HAVE SAVED PROFITEROLES FOR YOU!
SEXFACE McFINGERLICK: Hey baby. You so fine, baby.
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HERMIONE: *shudder*
Pillow Talk
RON: Girls have... skin.
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HARRY: Well, most of them do.
RON: Hermione's is... pretty nice. I mean... if you're into that. Skin, and all.
HARRY: Yeah... Ginny's is... also... reasonably... adequate. You know... like yours.
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RON: ... I don't want to talk about this anymore.
The Big Day
[Goalkeeper Ron is about to vomit on his geometrical eggtoast and Harry may or may not have spiked his juice, but the important thing is that Luna is wearing a lion on her head.]
The Big Night
[After a lot of phallic goalie posturing with his broomstick, Ron is carried back to Gryffindor Tower a hero, where he TOTALLY STEALS HARRY AND GINNY'S KISS, THANKS and claims Lavender Brown as his groupie.]
HERMIONE: I've been occasionally awkward with him for five movies, Harry! In between all the scenes that were mostly about you and me being BFF, it did happen a few times! I took another boy to the Yule Ball to make him mad! I CHEATED FOR HIM, HARRY. Only you can understand my pain! HOLD ME.
RON: Hey, remember that last movie, when I actually got to say something besides--
HERMIONE: *CANARIAL VENGEANCE*
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RON: BLOODY HELL!
The Library
HERMIONE: LET ME TELL YOU, HOGWARTS, HOW DEEPLY I DO NOT CARE THAT RONALD IS SNOGGING SOMEONE ELSE.
Slughorn's Christmas Party
[So Hermione takes Beef McAbcrunch because she's pissed at Ron and Harry takes Luna because Luna is awesome, and anyone who is not Ron Weasley anyone is there at the biggest party of the year.]
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HARRY: Neville, what are you doing?
NEVILLE: Well, Professor Slughorn said... if I wanted any screentime in the movie at all... I could serve drinks at his party.
HARRY: Oh, Neville.
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[However, it's a very productive evening for Harry, who helps Hermione escape Buff McSmarmalots, gets Hunk McTouchyfeel to throw up on Snape's shoes, sees a Malfoy thrown out for gatecrashing, and eavesdrop-confirms that Snape and Malfoy are up to something.]
The Burrow
LUPIN: NO THEY ARE NOT UP TO ANYTHING HARRY THAT IS RIDICULOUS WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO BITTER AND ANGRY????
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TONKS: Sweetheart, I told you not to forget your Werewolf Midol.
[Meanwhile, Ginny is putting things in Harry's mouth and getting down on her knees because Ginevra Molly Weasley has some moves, let me tell you.]
LUPIN [sniffing]: SOMETHING IS AFOOT!
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TONKS: MY MULLET SENSES IT AS WELL!
[And suddenly Bellatrix and Pedowolf are there but I guess they forgot to bring any Carrows or whatever and Harry bolts after her for great Sirius-killing justice and Bellatrix throws a circle of fire around the house so no one can go help him and Tonks and Lupin sort of dance around unsure of what to do, maybe we should try to go after him, I mean you know he is kind of the Chosen One and he gets a bit crazy over the whole Sirius thing, I don't know, my mullet is a bit concerned, well I don't know why it's concerned now, you weren't even watching him at the beginning of the movie like you were supposed to, look here, my screentime was given to Luna, you really can't blame me for that, and besides, fire is kind of hot and that is your nice jacket after all, I mean, werewolves don't bring in a lot of money, what are we going to do if you scorch it, yes but someone really ought to go out there and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S GINNY FUCKING WEASLEY!]
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[Ginny and Harry kind of cower in the Weasley cornswamp until the adults come save them. Then Bellatrix burns down the Weasleys' house.]
Back at Hogwarts
[The Weasleys are presumably homeless now and Hedwig is a bit charred, but it's all okay because Lavender's giving Won-Won a really ugly necklace.]
Dumbledore's Office
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, this is the false memory that you must retrieve the correct version of. I must warn you, however, that it is very disturbing, as Babyface Tom Riddle's voice is unexpectedly deep.
The Pensieve
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Can you only mumble the mumble blah? I mean, wouldn't mumble whatsit be blibbity blah?
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SLUGHORN: Blah? My GOD, Tom, they'll have to split the last blee into mumbledyblah at that rate! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!
All the Other Flashbacks Explaining Anything About Tom Riddle
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[These scenes have been cut for time.]
The Potions Classroom
HARRY: So, Professor Slughorn... if I were Tom Riddle and you were going to tell me how to be evil, what would you say?
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DUMBLEDORE: *facepalm*
Slughorn's Office
HARRY: HELP HELP it's a really long story but there was a girl but not the right girl and some chocolates but they were poisoned and they were for me but I didn't eat them and--
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SLUGHORN: Oh, this Wembley of yours, his antics are delightful!
HARRY: HELP ME DAMMIT
SLUGHORN: Falling off the sofa, trying to molest me--
HARRY: ARRRGH
SLUGHORN: Look, he's foaming at the mouth! I've never seen anything funnier!
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HARRY: *BEZOAR*
The Hospital Wing
RON: Unnnnghhhhh... Hermione... skin... so adequate...
LAVENDER: *DESPAIR*
SLUGHORN: ô_O
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SNAPE: (X^(
Parting, Such Sweet Sorrow, Etc.
RON: So... what exactly did I say to Lavender? And why was she outside Gryffindor Tower last night holding a radio over her head?
Shootout at the Lavatory Corral
[Convinced that Draco cursed Katie Bell--well, I mean... even moreso than he was convinced before?--Harry follows him to a lavatory where he catches Draco weeping like a toddler BEING SENSITIVE, OKAY and they start fighting so, so dirty in such a clean, clean place. Unf.
HARRY: SPELL I'VE NEVER USED BEFORE!
DRACO: <~BLOODGUSH~>
HARRY: ... oh shit.
[Snape tenderly uses his wand to nurse Draco back to health, and a thousand hurt-comfort fics spontaneously spring into being.]
The Room of Requirement
GINNY: Okay, this book is BAD TOUCH and DO NOT WANT. We have to get rid of it.
HARRY: Hey, is that a diadem up there?
GINNY: NO. However, if you would be interested in some good touch...
Fifteen Very, Very Slooooow Minutes Later
HARRY: THAT'S IT? HIDE AND SEEK AND A TINY SMOOCH?
GINNY: *gives him a birthday IOU*
HARRY: ... ooh.
Luck Be a Liquid Tonight
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HERMIONE: So we have a plan, right? You're going to drink the Felix Felicis, track down Slughorn after dinner, and then...
Five Minutes Later
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HARRY: IT'S A GIANT SPIDER FUNERAL AND YOU'RE INVITED!!
Ten Minutes Later
SLUGHORN: Alas, Aragog, I... have no idea who he is, except that he's bloody huge and poaching his venom will make me a lot of money. Rest in peace, fair pincered one.
Eleven Minutes Later
HAGRID AND SLUGHORN [completely toasted]:
And Aragog the spider, they dug a big hole
In the forest he'd known as an egg
Crammed in like a big bristly profiterole
Then his pincer fell off, and his leeeeeeeeeeeg.
HARRY: *standing ovation*
Fifteen Minutes Later
HARRY: So if you don't tell us what really happened, my mother the fish will never come back! EVER!
SLUGHORN: *sobs*
Dumbledore's Office
HARRY: *VICTORY LAP*
The Pensieve
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Can you only split the soul once? I mean, wouldn't seven plot points be a lot harder to track down?
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SLUGHORN: Seven? My GOD, Tom, they'll have to split the last book into two movies at that rate!
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: But could it be done?
SLUGHORN: Well, I mean, sure, but you'd have to kill a bunch of people and round up a whole lot of plot points--
BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Not to worry--I have a number of famous and/or personally meaningful objects I'm planning to use.
SLUGHORN: But... won't that make it easier for your enemies to guess what they are? Instead of using, I don't know--a rusty old key and a snail you found on the sidewalk?
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BABYFACE TOM RIDDLE: Yes, but, you see, we're not going to show any of the flashbacks that tell you those objects are important.
SLUGHORN: ... your genius is terrifying.
DUMBLEDORE: My God--it's diabolical. Two movies! They will literally make twice as much money!
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HARRY: Oh, a good bit more than that, I'd think, by the time you re-release the first one when the second one comes out, and then there's IMAX--
SNAPE: Excuse me, POTTER, I was hoping to have a cryptically bitchy conversation with the headmaster.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus, please. No one's allowed to question my wisdom in this movie.
The Cave of JEWELRY DOOM
DUMBLEDORE: Now, Harry: I must ask you to give me your word that no matter what happens, you will do as I say. If I must cut my hand instead of yours, if you have to feed me poison until I gibber and scream for death, if I forget who I am and what the hell we're even doing here--you must do as I say. Except for the part where I ask you to actually kill me. You can probably skip that.
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[Harry obeys. The only problem is, by the time a thousand zombie Gollums show up to eat Harry, Dumbledore's a bit... out of it. Fortunately, he remembers his wizardness, or at least someone's wizardness, in time to whip up a firestorm and get them the hell out of there:]
DUMBLEDALF: YOUUUUU! SHALL NOT! PAAAAAASS!
HARRY: NO! SIR! WE REALLY, REALLY WANT TO PASS!
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DUMBLEDALF: Really? We do?
HARRY: YES, REALLY!
The Part Where the Villain Talks Too Much (I)
[You know what would be fantastic? If Harry and Dumbledore got back to the Astronomy Tower and Draco chose right then to man up.]
DUMBLEDORE: No matter what happens, stay downstairs like a mouthbreather and do nothing.
HARRY: ...?
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DUMBLEDORE: Exactly. S'up, Draco?
DRACO: I am here to kill you, Professor. Whenever I feel like it. Any moment now.
DUMBLEDORE: You are no assassin, Draco.
DRACO: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I CURSED KATIE BELL TO TAKE A NECKLACE THAT MIGHT EVENTUALLY GET TO YOU! I MADE SURE THAT MEAD THAT MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE GIVEN AWAY BY HORACE SLUGHORN WAS POISONED! I SPENT A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME SCREWING AROUND WITH CABINETS!
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DUMBLEDORE: Draco... these actions are so convoluted and weak that I cannot help but feel that you are perhaps a bit of a pussy.
[Before Draco can actually get pissed off enough to do the deed, Bellatrix bounces in with Fenrir and some Carrows, kissing Draco on the ear because the Blacks keep it aaaaaall in the family. And then they all stand back and watch expectantly.]
DRACO: What the hell! I worked on fixing that cabinet ALL YEAR! Me, a MALFOY! Don't you have some kids to fight or something!
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BELLATRIX: Oh, Draco... we just came along for moral support!
Snape Kills Dumbledore, Page 606, Totally True
SNAPE: Shhhhh.
HARRY: Oh, so you've got this one, then? Excellent, you go take care of that. I mean, I know I never trusted you, and you've always been kind of a bastard to me just for existing, and this is not even to speak of the part we left out where you're the reason my parents actually got killed, but it's good to know that when the chips are down--
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SNAPE: AVADA KEDAVRA!
HARRY: WHAT
The Part Where the Villain Talks Too Much (II)
[Bellatrix takes her sweet-ass time kicking over the dinner plates and busting up the windows and skipping through the woods and dancing around Hagrid's flaming hut while Draco, Fenrir, and some Carrows stroll on down the hill.]
HARRY: YOU BITCH! YOU BITCH!!
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SNAPE: Are all Carrows present and accounted for!
HARRY: HE TRUSTED YOUUUUU!!
SNAPE: Bellatrix, if you really don't mind, we need to step lively here--
HARRY: SOMEWHAT INEXPLICABLY I ALSO TRUSTED YOUUUUU!!
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SNAPE: BELLATRIX, WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR MARSHMALLOWS
HARRY: SECTUMSEMPRA!!
SNAPE: Bitch, please.
HARRY: ARRRRGH
SNAPE: *eyeroll*
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HARRY: *FALLS DOWN*
SNAPE: Look, do you mind? Yes, I am the Half-Blood Prince, and I just killed my only friend and I've got my hands full here with Prince Valiant and the pedowolf and however many Carrows we're up to now--BELLA! I said LET'S ROLL!
The Part That's Really Sad
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[Harry weeps over Dumbledore's lifeless body, Ginny holds him, and McGonagall leads the students in throwing up their lighters wands to dispel the Dark Mark. This is either a heartbreaking tribute or the worst outdoor concert ever.]
The Part Where Dumbledore Usually Explains It All
MCGONAGALL: But Harry, what about the "half" and the "blood" and the "prince"? No one ever said what that means!
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HARRY: *THE HAND*
The Astronomy Tower, Post Mortem
HARRY: So Snape killed Dumbledore, I stood there and watched, the locket is fake, I don't know who has it, and it was all for nothing.
RON: Well, we could go back and check the rest of the movie for blatant references to seemingly random people--
NO ONE: *listens to Ron*
HERMIONE: lol don't snog Ginny too much k?
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HARRY: WOMAN! DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD! I HAVE TO LEAVE MY ONLY HOME AND WANDER THE WORLD TO FIND THE OTHER HORCRUXES! FOCUS!
All the Flashbacks That Give Harry Any Idea of Where He Should Go or What He Should Do
[Sing it if you know the words.]
Fin.
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