Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in Fifteen Minutes
A few quick notes:
1. I'm posting this in honor of Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Wretchery Day, since I got my book deal because I put my work online for free.
2. The parody includes spoilers for Goblet of Fire (obviously) and at least one major spoiler for Order of the Phoenix. If you're not caught up, beware.
3. Things in this parody have been altered, rearranged, compressed, or left out entirely. When you write a parody, you can do that.
4. "Prisoner of Azkaban in Fifteen Minutes" is here; "Sorcerer's Stone" is in the book. "Chamber of Secrets," to date, has not been written.
5. Feel free to link, quote, or make icons. Please do not repost the entire parody anywhere, period. There's no reason to do that when you can link back here far more easily than reposting a 4000-word piece. By the way: reposting the whole thing without my name on your journal or fanfiction.net? Still stealing. Yes, people have been reported (and not by me, either) and lost ff.net accounts over this. For your own sake, don't do it.
6. It was harder to write than I thought, probably because the movie was 1) actually good and 2) chock-full of plot. But I did my best. Enjoy.
Chez Weasley
[Hermione wakes Harry from a prophetically bad dream about Wormtail, a curiously wee Voldemort, and Some Leather Jacket Guy AK-ing a Muggle. Note: Where possible, any significant sidekick lines, scenes or reaction shots have been given to Hermione, while Ron will now only be allowed to say one thing:]
RON: Bloody hell!
En Route to… Somewhere
[Mr. Weasley and Company meet up with his coworker, Amos Diggory-and a very pretty boy who falls out of a tree. Hermione shoots Ginny an approving look.]
GINNY: I don’t know where we’re going, but I think I’m going to like it.
FRED (OR GEORGE): Look! It’s a Plotkey!
GEORGE (OR FRED): We’re going to the World Cup! It’ll be the most awesome game of quidditch ever!
The Most Awesome Game of Quidditch Ever
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
Victory Celebrations After the Most Awesome Game of Quidditch Ever
[Everyone’s having a great time until a klan of Death Eaters shows up and starts burning things.]
MR. WEASLEY: Fred! George! Make sure Ginny doesn’t get killed! Don’t worry about Harry, he’s just the Boy Who Lived! And STICK TOGETHER!
[No one sticks together.]
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HARRY: *falls down*
A Desolate Campground, Some Hours Later
[Harry finally wakes up to find that he’s basically been left for dead, and even when a Ministry search party does find him, their wands are set to Stupefy.]
BARTY CROUCH: DID YOU CAST THE DARK MARK, BOY? ARE YOU A DEATH EATER? ARE YOU EVEN REALLY A TEENAGE BOY?!
MR. WEASLEY: SIMMER DOWN, BARTY! It’s okay, Harry, tell us what you saw.
HARRY: There was Some Leather Jacket Guy! With some chavvy blonde! They got in a police box and flew away!
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CROUCH: Oh, this is useless-the boy’s clearly sustained some kind of blow to the head. Hi ho Ministry, away!
The Hogwarts Express
[Hermione’s eyebrows convince Harry to write to his godfather about the Death Eaters and the dreams and the hey-hey-owwy-scar.]
HARRY [addressing letter]:
Padfoot the Dog
Escaped Convict Hideout
Somewhere Tropical
[Also, Harry is in love with a girrrrrrrrl-]
CHO: Hi, Harry, how was your summer?
HARRY: *slackjaw*
[-and Ron is still poor.]
RON: Bloody hell.
The Great Hall, Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: Attention, attention! I have a few announcements! This year’s sorting has been cut for time, as we’ve got a number of plot points to get through. Both the Patils are now in Gryffindor, and the new bridge worked out so well last year that we’re keeping it. Also, I’m not sure why our Charms professor suddenly looks like a very small dictator, but far be it from me to judge our teaching personnel.
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PROFESSOR HITLERWICK: HEY!
DUMBLEDORE: This year will not be mellow, but it will be the next best thing, which is awesome. Please join me in a warm welcome for the brooding swarth of Durmstrang and the silken derrières of Beauxbatons!
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IGOR KARKAROFF: Alboos!
MADAME MAXIME: Dumblydorr!
HARRY: Krum! Look, Ron, it's Krum!
[Between the beauty of Fleur Delacour and his boycrush on Quidditch superstar Viktor Krum, Ron has fainted dead away.]
DUMBLEDORE: And now a special welcome to our new Defense of the Dark Arts professor, [*ominous thunderclap*], Alastor Moody!
[Moody clomps in, glares at everyone with his mechanical eye, and chugs from a flask like a trenchcoated pirate.]
HARRY: Finally, a Dark Arts teacher who's hardcore.
Moody’s First Class
MOODY: Now, who knows the name of the curse that drove Longbottom’s parents insane?
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NEVILLE: *wibble*
The Goblet Chamber
[Everyone’s milling around watching students put their names in the Goblet of Fire. Cedric proceeds to run in from an afternoon of frolicking in the rain to submit his name while a pack of wet boys shout “Put it in!,” after which there is wet hugging. Then the Weasley twins sandwich Hermione to tell her about the aging potions they’ve brewed to foil the Age Line, link arms to drink them, and then wrestle vigorously on the ground when it doesn’t work. Hermione shoots Ginny another approving look.]
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GINNY: You know, I liked the boylove thing better when it didn’t involve my brothers.
The Champion Is Selected
DUMBLEDORE: We are gathered here now to choose one person (who is not Harry Potter) to represent each school, but only one (who is not Harry Potter) will achieve eternal fame and glory in the Triwizard Tournament, in which Harry Potter is not old enough to compete!
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[Only characters we’ve already seen in closeup are chosen: Krum, the famous one! Cedric, the pretty one! Fleur, the uppity one!]
SNAPE: Professor…? About that…
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *coughHARRYPOTTERcough*
The Trophy Room
[All the professors race downstairs so everyone can shriek at Harry in privacy, while the newly-chosen champions watch uncomfortably.]
MOODY: Oh, come on, Potter didn’t do it! Look at the kid, he can’t even comb his hair!
DUMBLEDORE [throttling]: DID YOU DO IT, HARRY? DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET? ANSWER ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT! JUST GO AHEAD AND DIE IF YOU’RE THAT STUPID, SEE IF I CARE!
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HARRY [choking]: This-this is not mellow!
FLEUR: L’awkward.
Ron and Harry Go to Bed Angry
HARRY: I didn’t put my name in! I don’t want eternal fame and glory! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I kind of already have it!
RON: WHATEVER.
NEVILLE: *cries*
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SEAMUS: Shhhh, it’ll be all right.
Dumbledore’s Office
MCGONAGALL: Albus, you can’t let him do this! Potter is a boy, not a piece of meat!
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SNAPE: Unfortunately, I think you’ll find that the rest of this movie begs to differ.
DUMBLEDORE: I’m afraid he’s right, Minerva. Jailbait angst it is. Besides, would you pay eight bucks to see Harry Potter and the Fairly Uneventful Year at Wizard School?
MCGONAGALL: Sigh.
Broom Closet Confidential
[Reporter Rita Skeeter sweeps in with her MisQuotes Quill™ and immediately starts scamming on all the male champions.]
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RITA SKEETER: Who’s been a bad boy? Likes to sneak out of the dorms at night? Dreams of having May-December threesomes? Anyone?
[Deciding that the youngest would be the easiest prey, Rita squeezes into a broom closet with Harry.]
RITA SKEETER: So, Harry, here you are, a mere boy of twelve-
HARRY: Then get your hand off my ass!
RITA’S QUILL: --far too emotionally immature to be competing in this tournament, much less recognize the charms of an older woman. Indeed, Dear Reader, we suspect he doesn't have enough stamina for this tournament at all--
HARRY: HEY!
A Godfatherly Visit
[Sirius has written back to say that he’ll meet Harry in the Gryffindor common room in the middle of the night. Rather than wondering how the hell an escaped convict on the run is going to accomplish this, Harry sits around waiting for him.]
HARRY: My godfather’s the only father figure I have left. I know he’ll make me feel better.
[Sirius pops up in the fireplace full of-literally-fire and brimstone:]
SIRIUS: I have no idea how you’re going to live through this, Harry. Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore! Death Eaters are inside the walls RIGHT NOW! Clearly your name could have only gotten into that goblet through UTTER SKULLDUGGERY. People DIE in these tournaments, Harry. They die A LOT.
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HARRY: Remind me again why I’m so sad when you bite it?
Because It Had to Be Done
[Neville is up to his knees in the lake, nattering on about aquatic plants; Ron is pushing Hermione towards Harry, who is sitting under a tree with a book. Ginny’s just there to scope out boys she’s not related to.]
HERMIONE [deep breath]: Okay, look: Ron told me that Ginny heard from Lavender that Dean was told by Parvati that Padma inferred from something Seamus said that Hagrid is looking for you.
HARRY: Yeah, well-you just tell Ron that-
HERMIONE: I’M NOT AN OWL!
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HARRY: O rly?
HERMIONE: YA RLY!
NEVILLE: No wai!
Big Love in the Forbidden Forest
[In the hidden dark of the forest, Hagrid and Madame Maxime are reunited with tenderness anew; “Aníron” plays softly while, in the distance, trees burn and men run screaming.]
DRAGONS: *FLAMEROAR*
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MAXIME: Là, c’est si romantique!
HARRY [under invisibility cloak]: This is what you wanted me to see? The cause of my imminent demise?
HAGRID: Yup. And watch out for the Horntail there in particular, Harry, he’s a right bastard.
HARRY: *facepalm*
Between Classes, Some Courtyard
SOME HUFFLEPUFF: Hey, Ced, what was all that about back there?
CEDRIC: I dunno-Potter wanted to give me some unethical insider tips about the first task, and then there was something about a ferret bouncing down some kid’s pants, and then Moody hauled Potter off somewhere.
SOME HUFFLEPUFF: Huh.
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MCGONAGALL [in the distance]: Professor Moody! We do NOT use bestiality as a punishment! COME BACK HERE!
Moody’s Office
[Moody takes a leg load off in his office, which includes a Foe Glass that we will never see again and a strangely rumbly trunk.]
MOODY: So, what were you thinking about doing for the first task? I mean, since everyone already knows it involves dragons.
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HARRY: I just thought I’d… fall down and… die, and things.
MOODY’S MAD EYE: *roll*
MOODY: The trunk thinks that’s a shit idea, too. Take a seat, son, we’re going to be here a while.
Champions’ Tent, The First Task
HERMIONE: The important thing is to concentrate, and then-
HARRY: Not die?
DUMBLEDORE: Miss Granger! What are you doing here?
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HERMIONE: Just-giving the shippers false hope. I’ll go now.
[Barty Crouch has each champion pull a tiny color-coordinated dragon out of a bag. Harry gets the Hungarian Horntail, because his life just sucks that much.]
DUMBLEDORE [*shoulder pat*]: It was nice knowing you, Harry.
CROUCH: Without a golden dragon egg you cannot proceed. Nor can you if you are deceased. So get out there, have some fun, and try not to die.
The First Three Dragons
[These scenes have been cut for time.]
Abandon Hope All Ye Who Compete Here
[Harry sits in the champions’ tent, alone and disconsolate, listening to all the others presumably not die while the Dumbledore commentates.]
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OBLIGATORY FRENCH JOKE: And the French champion has surrendered her egg right out from under the Welsh Green! But now, here’s the other Hogwarts champion!
HARRY: *falls down*
HERMIONE: Harry! Your wand!
RON: Bloody-
HERMIONE: YOUR WAND!
HARRY: Accio Firebolt!
THE HORNTAIL: *FIREBELCH*
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HARRY: NOT THAT KIND!
[Harry successfully summons his broom-per Moody’s coaching-but the Horntail breaks free of its chains and chases Harry over the Hogwarts campus. This scene is definitely not cut for time.]
DUMBLEDORE: That’s the last time I let you buy Geonosian chains, Filch.
[Harry falls off his broom, bounces off a large stretch of roof and several turrets, and plunges to his death. Hermione and Ginny join convents, Ron turns to firewhisky, and Voldemort rules the world. Fin.]
Charms Class, Twenty Years from Now
PROFESSOR HITLERWICK: And this, kids, is the windowsill Harry Potter broke not plunging to his death during the Triwizard Tournament!
CHARMS STUDENTS: Ooooooh!
The Gryffindor Common Room
[The good news is that Harry managed not to die. The bad news is that the golden egg does nothing but shriek when you try to open it. Fortunately, such times of dragon danger have brought Harry and Ron back together, the foundation of their friendship unshakeable.]
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HERMIONE: This is the part where you start making out.
GINNY: Okay, that's it, I'm done.
Gryffindor Charm School
[Professor McGonagall has rounded all her students up to announce that the traditional tournament Yule Ball will require dancing. You know, as opposed to those balls that are strictly for non-dancing.]
MCGONAGALL: And so help me Merlin, you lot will NOT embarrass me in front of Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. You will dance, you will BEHAVE, and you had better not show up in some ancient rag from the Dark Ages or the ’70s.
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RON: *facepalm*
The Best Scene in Any Harry Potter Movie, Ever
[I’m still not sure why Gryffindors of various years are in a large hall presided over by a notebook-wielding Snape, but there you go. As Ron and Harry discuss their supreme datelessness, they piss off Hermione and Snape, resulting in George (or Fred) getting his mack on-]
FRED (OR GEORGE): Hey baby, you so fine, baby.
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ANGELINA: *phone fingers*
FRED (OR GEORGE): *finger guns*
-and Snape getting his whack on.
HARRY AND RON: Ow!
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SNAPE: I love the sound of discipline in stereo.
Young, Awkward Love
[Harry’s just sent another letter off to Sirius when he runs into Cho Chang, the love of his fourteen-year-old life.]
HARRY: Cho-I-I was wondering if…
CHO: Yes, Harry?
HARRY: If… wondering if… you would… maybe…
CHO: If I would…?
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HARRY: Go baaaaall. Biiiig dance. Comb hair, bring flower? Baaaaall.
CHO: Oh, Harry… I wish I could, but I told Cedric five minutes ago that I’d go with him.
HARRY: *sob*
The Gryffindor Common Room
RON: B-b-bloody… h-hell…
HARRY: Good God, what happened to you?
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RON: Bloody… b-bloody… hhhhhh…
GINNY: He asked Fleur Delacour to the ball. It, uh… it didn’t go so well.
The Courtyard, Twenty Years Later
PROFESSOR HITLERWICK: And this is where the French Triwizard champion was attacked by a deranged stalker!
CHARMS STUDENTS: Ooooooh!
The Yule Ball
[Somehow, everyone finds dates-Harry calls in some favors with the Patils, Ron shambles straight out of formal zombie hell, and Hermione, in a scene that would be all the more effective if her hair hadn’t been gorgeous throughout the last two movies AND her dress weren’t a giant cascade of puce ruffles, goes with Krum. Things go about as well as you could hope for the first three minutes, at which point the champions have to lead off some sort of ill-advised waltz-galliard combo.]
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MCGONAGALL: Quick, bring in the godless rock band!
[It turns out that wizard balls are just like muggle proms-full of jealousy, boys refusing to dance, meltdowns on the stairs, and the first stirrings of young love:]
RON: Traitor!
HERMIONE: Hypocrite!
RON: Fraternizer!
HERMIONE: Coward!
RON: Well-I-you-
HERMIONE: STUPID BOY!
HARRY: Hey, is everything oka-
HERMIONE: GO TO BED!
RON: Bloody... hell?
HERMIONE: *sob*
The Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory
[Harry has another prophetically bad dream, interrupted by Neville waltzing in at crack-thirty.]
RON: Whazzat?
HARRY: Nothing, Ron. I’m dreaming about Voldemort and your sister’s a hoor. Go back to sleep.
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RON: *snoreflop*
The Inexplicable Bridge
[Two days before the second task, and Harry still has no idea how to open the golden egg, or what the second task will even be. The bridge seems to be repaired from the largish crumbly dent the dear departed Horntail put in it, by the way.]
HARRY: So, how’s the mad Bulgarian love affair going?
HERMIONE: Mostly he just watches me study.
HARRY: Hey, if that’s his kink-I don’t judge.
CEDRIC: Hey! Harry! You know the prefects’ bathroom? There’s this giant tub up there with dozens of bubblebath taps, and… you know, I never thanked you properly for helping me out with the first task… it’s a great place to take a bath.
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HARRY: Cedric…? Are you trying to ask me out?
Getting Wet in the Prefects' Bath
HARRY: Myrtle, I’m fourteen. Maybe I am the most built fourteen-year-old ever, but I’m underaged and you’re a ghost.
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MYRTLE: *coy giggle*
The Library
RON: Bloody hell, what’d you do then?
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HARRY: Well, she finally told me to open the egg underwater. I don’t even want to talk about the things I had to do to get that much out of her, though.
HERMIONE: Well, what was the clue?
HARRY: Let’s just say that I have to figure out how to hold my breath in the Black Lake for an hour.
HERMIONE: Well, according to Hogwarts: A History-
MOODY: Granger! Weasley! McGonagall’s office, now!
HERMIONE: But-at this time of night?
MOODY: Urgent plot development’s come up. GET!
HARRY: Well, now what am I going to do? If only there were some kind of spell, or potion, or something that I could ingest to help me breathe underwater...
[Moody looks at Neville, who’s shelving books. Neville looks at Harry. Harry looks at Moody.]
MOODY: DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
The Black Lake, Second Task
HARRY: You want me to put what in my mouth? God, this is like Moaning Myrtle all over again.
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NEVILLE [brandishing gillyweed]: Come on, Harry!
[Meanwhile, the Weasley twins are taking bets on the champions’ survival:]
FRED (OR GEORGE): Three lads!
GEORGE (OR FRED): One lady!
FRED (OR GEORGE): Four go down-
GEORGE (OR FRED): -but do four come up?
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GINNY: Okay, I really did see a porno like that once.
[The task is at hand! Before Harry’s delicate sensibilities can interfere, Moody crams the gillyweed into his mouth and boots him into the lake. The three other champions swim off, and Harry sinks like a stone.]
NEVILLE: Oh my god! I've killed Harry Potter!
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OBLIGATORY SOUTH PARK JOKE: You bastard!
DUMBLEDORE: And our champions are off! Mr. Diggory has conjured quite a nice bubblehead charm, while Mr. Krum seems to have half-assed some kind of shark transfiguration-oh dear, five minutes in and Miss Delacour has already surrendered. Meanwhile, I fear that Mr. Potter may have drowned-
NEVILLE: OH MY GOD!
DUMBLEDORE: JUST KIDDING!
Fifty-Four Minutes Later
DUMBLEDORE: And here’s Mr. Diggory with his stolen “treasure,” Miss Chang-and Mr. Krum right behind him with Miss Granger. I can’t wait for the awkward conversations tomorrow will bring! Ah, time’s up! Looks like Miss Delacour’s sister will just have to drown.
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FLEUR: *le sob*
DUMBLEDORE: Wait! No! Here’s Merharry with both Mr. Weasley and the Littlest Delacour for the win!
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AMOS DIGGORY: For the win?
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, we’ll give him second place.
KARKAROFF: SECOND PLACE?
DUMBLEDORE [shrugging]: He’s the hero, what can I do?
Post-Task Celebrations
[After a strange confrontation with Moody and a completely depressing attempt to bond with Harry, Barty Crouch turns up dead.]
Dumbledore’s Office
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, it really is time to call off the Tournament, seriously.
FUDGE: What, so he turned up dead! Sometimes when I talk to Potter, with the Voldemort this and the orphan that, I wish I was dead. Think of it this way-Barty Crouch is in a far better, cheerier--OH HI HARRY.
[Dumbledore drags Fudge off so Harry can wander around his office and eat his licorice (which shouldn't sound as dirty as it does). Some people access hidden rooms with trick piano keys or fake bookshelves; Dumbledore uses a candy dish.)
HARRY: Hey! It's a PensAHHHHHHHH!
Karkaroff’s Trial, Lo These Many Years Ago
[Harry tumbles into Dumbledore's memory of Igor Karkaroff's sentencing at the perfect moment for maximum expository yield.]
BARTY CROUCH: …and so, if you don’t cough up these so-called, alleged “names,” it’s back to the dementors for you!
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[It’s particularly apt that Karkaroff’s being held in a giant cage, because he starts singing like a canary.]
KARKAROFF: Severus Snape!
DUMBLEDORE: I vouch for Severus Snape, for mysterious reasons to be revealed in the seventh book. Maybe.
KARKAROFF: Evan Rosier!
BARTY CROUCH: Killed him.
KARKAROFF: Augustus Rookwood?
BARTY CROUCH: Also him.
KARKAROFF: MY MOTHER!
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BARTY CROUCH: Her too.
KARKAROFF: YOUR SON!
[Barty Crouch Jr. is a lip-licking sociopath, FYI. Just as Junior is being carted off to Azkaban, Harry falls back out of the pensieve.]
Dumbledore’s Office
HARRY: Hey! It’s Mr. Crouch’s son I’ve been seeing in my prophetically bad dreams about Voldemort! Surely this is worth some kind of investigation!
DUMBLEDORE: I must disagree, Harry. If you’re having dreams about Voldemort, I believe it would be unwise to linger over them, particularly if they seem to provide any clues, genuine or otherwise, to what the hell is supposed to be going on. My advice would be to fret in secret and let your presumptions lead to tragedy.
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HARRY: Getting a head start on the next book, are we?
Snape’s Potions Storeroom
[Leaving Dumbledore’s office, Harry stumbles upon Snape and Karkaroff acting shady out in the hall.]
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KARKAROFF: Severus, you know what it means when the thing does the thing! It means the thing will soon be thinging!
SNAPE: Shhh! Not in front of the hero, you dolt! And YOU, Potter. If I EVER catch you stealing gillyweed-
HARRY: I didn’t!
SNAPE: -or dragon toes, or lacewing peels, or boomslang whatsits, or WHATEVER from my storeroom EVER AGAIN-
HARRY: But I DIDN’T!
SNAPE: I WILL END YOU. Is that clear?
HARRY: Crystal.
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SNAPE: DON’T STEAL THOSE EITHER.
Some Ginormous Maze, Third Task
[The four champions are greeted by an oompah band, the French Macarena, and patriotic glowering from Durmstrang’s general direction. Dumbledore gathers the four champions together for a few last words of wisdom:]
DUMBLEDORE: Now, within this maze, you will meet the greatest enemy of all: yourselves.
CEDRIC: What about the sphinx? And the giant spider?
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[Up in the stands, Ron faints for old times’ sake.]
DUMBLEDORE: We ran out of money for those. Off you go!
[Instead of monsters, the maze has… shrubbery. Lots and lots of man-eating shrubberies. There may also be knights who say “Ni!,” but with a maze this big, there’s really no telling. Zombie!Krum attacks Fleur, and then a hedge attacks Fleur, so Fleur does the only thing she knows how to do: surrender. Then Zombie!Krum attacks Harry and Cedric, and Harry and Cedric attack Zombie!Krum, and then they attack each other, and finally they learn the value of Fairness or Good Sportsmanship or something, because Harry and Cedric agree to grab the Triwizard Cup at the same time, which plotkeys them over to…]
The Riddle Cemetery
[…the place Harry kept seeing in his nightmares.]
HARRY: Run, Cedric! I can hold Wormtail off, he’ll talk for days while you get help-
WORMTAIL: AVADA KEDAVRA!
[Cedric dies really, really dead.]
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HARRY: WHAT THE HELL?!
Still in the Riddle Cemetery
[By sacrificing Pa Riddle’s femur, blood from Harry’s forearm-]
HARRY: SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURT!
[-and his own hand-]
WORMTAIL: I DON’T EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT.
[-Wormtail resurrects Lord Voldemort, who appears in a floaty black hospital gown.]
VOLDEMORT: A hospital gown?
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WORMTAIL: It’s an evil hospital gown.
VOLDEMORT: Fine, but it better have a back.
[Voldemort then summons all of his weaksauce conspirators who have been hiding out since his downfall. Harry’s trapped, scared, and bleeding, and Voldemort has a captive audience, so obviously it’s time, for once and for all, to… talk.]
VOLDEMORT: Shall I divulge what really happened? How it was really your mother’s love that saved you?
HARRY: But-that’s basically the same thing that gets revealed at the end of all the-
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
VOLDEMORT: CRUCIO!
The Riddle Cemetery, Several Hours Later
VOLDEMORT [idly torturing Harry]: I’m going to kill you, Harry Potter. Just as soon as I finish this monologue. Any day now.
WORMTAIL: Hey boss, you want us to go ahead and-
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VOLDEMORT: NO! I’m really excited about eventually doing this!
LUCIUS MALFOY: But seriously, we could just-
VOLDEMORT: YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?
[Voldemort finally gets around to dueling with Harry, because apparently the Dark Lord just really wants things to be fair, and as they cast simultaneous spells, their wand… ray… beam… things lock together and start spraying ectoplasm. This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams. And while the ghosts of Harry's parents and/or Voldemort's last victims distract the Big V, Harry escapes.]
VOLDEMORT: NOOOOOO! DAMN YOU, POTTER! I WAS ONLY FIVE HOURS AWAY FROM KILLING YOUUUUU!
Some Ginormous Maze
[Harry reappears with Cedric’s body before the crowd, which bursts into cheers and oompah music.]
HARRY [sobbing incoherently]: He’s back! He’s back!
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[Fleur screams, at which point people start to realize something bad’s happened. Dumbledore has to pry a weeping Harry off Cedric’s body so that Cedric’s father can take his turn keening over it while three schools’ worth of students stare on in horror, and there’s kind of no way to be funny about it. Sorry, y’all.]
Moody’s Office
MOODY: This is no time to be with powerful wizards and witches who could protect and comfort you! Now, tell me all about the Dark Lord! Is he looking good? Did all the Death Eaters show up? Is Wormtail keeping the graveyard nice?
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HARRY: You got all that from “He’s back”?
MOODY: … Yes.
[Just when it looks like someone could maybe, finally just bust a cap in Harry Potter’s invincible teenage ass and be done with it, Moody starts convulsing, and before his seizure can finish up, the professors burst in to save Harry. While they’re at it, Snape pours a whole vial of veritaserum down “Moody’s” throat.]
NOT!MOODY: FINE. I’m not Moody, Moody’s in his jammies in my-his-trunk and I’m actually a convicted Death Eater who escaped from Azkaban to put in motion an incredibly complex scheme that involved teaching classes for an entire school year, constantly chugging Polyjuice Potion, and rigging the Triwizard Tournament in order to put Harry in the Dark Lord’s momentary clutches, rather than just knock the kid upside the head and send him over one day after class back in September.
Any Explanation of How This Happened
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
Moody’s Office
HARRY: What?
SNAPE: How?
MCGONAGALL: Who?
DUMBLEDORE: Barty Crouch, Junior! Well, at least we now know who’s been stealing from your storeroom, Severus.
HARRY: YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.
BARTAMOODY: And there’s nothing you can do about it, because Voldemort is back and he’s got Harry’s blood and I’ll go back to Azkaban a hero!
DUMBLEDORE: Suck Dementor face, Junior. I’ve never had much time for heroes.
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SNAPE: Man, are you mentoring the wrong kid.
Cedric’s Memorial
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DUMBLEDORE: I had a really good speech prepared, but I put it in my beard and I can’t find it now, so let me just say: we are here today to remember a boy named Cedric. Nice kid. Good dancer. You helped him cheat, he’d help you right back. Liked bubblebaths and hugging wet boys. But most importantly of all: he was mellow. So I ask you to join me now, in pouring one out for C-Dig.
The Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, I put you in terrible danger this year, and I’m sorry. I mean, not enough to keep from doing the same thing next year, but you know: bygones. I just want you to remember that you’ll always have friends here, and you’ll never be alone.
HARRY: So can I stay here instead of going to the Dursleys’?
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DUMBLEDORE: Well… no. We’re all going home for the summer and the school will be empty.
HARRY: But-you said-
DUMBLEDORE: Have a great summer!
Farewells and Goodbyes
HERMIONE: Everything’s going to change, isn’t it?
HARRY: Well, not really. I mean, we’re still going to have to fight some evil teacher next year, and someone else will probably be killed. I’ll fall down a lot, and you two will still bicker incessantly. Although I do think we’ll see an eventual upswing in snogging.
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RON: Brilliant.
HERMIONE: RON!
RON: BLOODY HELL.
Fin.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
1. I'm posting this in honor of Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Wretchery Day, since I got my book deal because I put my work online for free.
2. The parody includes spoilers for Goblet of Fire (obviously) and at least one major spoiler for Order of the Phoenix. If you're not caught up, beware.
3. Things in this parody have been altered, rearranged, compressed, or left out entirely. When you write a parody, you can do that.
4. "Prisoner of Azkaban in Fifteen Minutes" is here; "Sorcerer's Stone" is in the book. "Chamber of Secrets," to date, has not been written.
5. Feel free to link, quote, or make icons. Please do not repost the entire parody anywhere, period. There's no reason to do that when you can link back here far more easily than reposting a 4000-word piece. By the way: reposting the whole thing without my name on your journal or fanfiction.net? Still stealing. Yes, people have been reported (and not by me, either) and lost ff.net accounts over this. For your own sake, don't do it.
6. It was harder to write than I thought, probably because the movie was 1) actually good and 2) chock-full of plot. But I did my best. Enjoy.
Chez Weasley
[Hermione wakes Harry from a prophetically bad dream about Wormtail, a curiously wee Voldemort, and Some Leather Jacket Guy AK-ing a Muggle. Note: Where possible, any significant sidekick lines, scenes or reaction shots have been given to Hermione, while Ron will now only be allowed to say one thing:]
RON: Bloody hell!
En Route to… Somewhere
[Mr. Weasley and Company meet up with his coworker, Amos Diggory-and a very pretty boy who falls out of a tree. Hermione shoots Ginny an approving look.]
GINNY: I don’t know where we’re going, but I think I’m going to like it.
FRED (OR GEORGE): Look! It’s a Plotkey!
GEORGE (OR FRED): We’re going to the World Cup! It’ll be the most awesome game of quidditch ever!
The Most Awesome Game of Quidditch Ever
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
Victory Celebrations After the Most Awesome Game of Quidditch Ever
[Everyone’s having a great time until a klan of Death Eaters shows up and starts burning things.]
MR. WEASLEY: Fred! George! Make sure Ginny doesn’t get killed! Don’t worry about Harry, he’s just the Boy Who Lived! And STICK TOGETHER!
[No one sticks together.]
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HARRY: *falls down*
A Desolate Campground, Some Hours Later
[Harry finally wakes up to find that he’s basically been left for dead, and even when a Ministry search party does find him, their wands are set to Stupefy.]
BARTY CROUCH: DID YOU CAST THE DARK MARK, BOY? ARE YOU A DEATH EATER? ARE YOU EVEN REALLY A TEENAGE BOY?!
MR. WEASLEY: SIMMER DOWN, BARTY! It’s okay, Harry, tell us what you saw.
HARRY: There was Some Leather Jacket Guy! With some chavvy blonde! They got in a police box and flew away!
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CROUCH: Oh, this is useless-the boy’s clearly sustained some kind of blow to the head. Hi ho Ministry, away!
The Hogwarts Express
[Hermione’s eyebrows convince Harry to write to his godfather about the Death Eaters and the dreams and the hey-hey-owwy-scar.]
HARRY [addressing letter]:
Padfoot the Dog
Escaped Convict Hideout
Somewhere Tropical
[Also, Harry is in love with a girrrrrrrrl-]
CHO: Hi, Harry, how was your summer?
HARRY: *slackjaw*
[-and Ron is still poor.]
RON: Bloody hell.
The Great Hall, Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: Attention, attention! I have a few announcements! This year’s sorting has been cut for time, as we’ve got a number of plot points to get through. Both the Patils are now in Gryffindor, and the new bridge worked out so well last year that we’re keeping it. Also, I’m not sure why our Charms professor suddenly looks like a very small dictator, but far be it from me to judge our teaching personnel.
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PROFESSOR HITLERWICK: HEY!
DUMBLEDORE: This year will not be mellow, but it will be the next best thing, which is awesome. Please join me in a warm welcome for the brooding swarth of Durmstrang and the silken derrières of Beauxbatons!
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IGOR KARKAROFF: Alboos!
MADAME MAXIME: Dumblydorr!
HARRY: Krum! Look, Ron, it's Krum!
[Between the beauty of Fleur Delacour and his boycrush on Quidditch superstar Viktor Krum, Ron has fainted dead away.]
DUMBLEDORE: And now a special welcome to our new Defense of the Dark Arts professor, [*ominous thunderclap*], Alastor Moody!
[Moody clomps in, glares at everyone with his mechanical eye, and chugs from a flask like a trenchcoated pirate.]
HARRY: Finally, a Dark Arts teacher who's hardcore.
Moody’s First Class
MOODY: Now, who knows the name of the curse that drove Longbottom’s parents insane?
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NEVILLE: *wibble*
The Goblet Chamber
[Everyone’s milling around watching students put their names in the Goblet of Fire. Cedric proceeds to run in from an afternoon of frolicking in the rain to submit his name while a pack of wet boys shout “Put it in!,” after which there is wet hugging. Then the Weasley twins sandwich Hermione to tell her about the aging potions they’ve brewed to foil the Age Line, link arms to drink them, and then wrestle vigorously on the ground when it doesn’t work. Hermione shoots Ginny another approving look.]
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GINNY: You know, I liked the boylove thing better when it didn’t involve my brothers.
The Champion Is Selected
DUMBLEDORE: We are gathered here now to choose one person (who is not Harry Potter) to represent each school, but only one (who is not Harry Potter) will achieve eternal fame and glory in the Triwizard Tournament, in which Harry Potter is not old enough to compete!
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[Only characters we’ve already seen in closeup are chosen: Krum, the famous one! Cedric, the pretty one! Fleur, the uppity one!]
SNAPE: Professor…? About that…
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *coughHARRYPOTTERcough*
The Trophy Room
[All the professors race downstairs so everyone can shriek at Harry in privacy, while the newly-chosen champions watch uncomfortably.]
MOODY: Oh, come on, Potter didn’t do it! Look at the kid, he can’t even comb his hair!
DUMBLEDORE [throttling]: DID YOU DO IT, HARRY? DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET? ANSWER ME, YOU LITTLE SHIT! JUST GO AHEAD AND DIE IF YOU’RE THAT STUPID, SEE IF I CARE!
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HARRY [choking]: This-this is not mellow!
FLEUR: L’awkward.
Ron and Harry Go to Bed Angry
HARRY: I didn’t put my name in! I don’t want eternal fame and glory! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I kind of already have it!
RON: WHATEVER.
NEVILLE: *cries*
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SEAMUS: Shhhh, it’ll be all right.
Dumbledore’s Office
MCGONAGALL: Albus, you can’t let him do this! Potter is a boy, not a piece of meat!
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SNAPE: Unfortunately, I think you’ll find that the rest of this movie begs to differ.
DUMBLEDORE: I’m afraid he’s right, Minerva. Jailbait angst it is. Besides, would you pay eight bucks to see Harry Potter and the Fairly Uneventful Year at Wizard School?
MCGONAGALL: Sigh.
Broom Closet Confidential
[Reporter Rita Skeeter sweeps in with her MisQuotes Quill™ and immediately starts scamming on all the male champions.]
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RITA SKEETER: Who’s been a bad boy? Likes to sneak out of the dorms at night? Dreams of having May-December threesomes? Anyone?
[Deciding that the youngest would be the easiest prey, Rita squeezes into a broom closet with Harry.]
RITA SKEETER: So, Harry, here you are, a mere boy of twelve-
HARRY: Then get your hand off my ass!
RITA’S QUILL: --far too emotionally immature to be competing in this tournament, much less recognize the charms of an older woman. Indeed, Dear Reader, we suspect he doesn't have enough stamina for this tournament at all--
HARRY: HEY!
A Godfatherly Visit
[Sirius has written back to say that he’ll meet Harry in the Gryffindor common room in the middle of the night. Rather than wondering how the hell an escaped convict on the run is going to accomplish this, Harry sits around waiting for him.]
HARRY: My godfather’s the only father figure I have left. I know he’ll make me feel better.
[Sirius pops up in the fireplace full of-literally-fire and brimstone:]
SIRIUS: I have no idea how you’re going to live through this, Harry. Hogwarts isn’t safe anymore! Death Eaters are inside the walls RIGHT NOW! Clearly your name could have only gotten into that goblet through UTTER SKULLDUGGERY. People DIE in these tournaments, Harry. They die A LOT.
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HARRY: Remind me again why I’m so sad when you bite it?
Because It Had to Be Done
[Neville is up to his knees in the lake, nattering on about aquatic plants; Ron is pushing Hermione towards Harry, who is sitting under a tree with a book. Ginny’s just there to scope out boys she’s not related to.]
HERMIONE [deep breath]: Okay, look: Ron told me that Ginny heard from Lavender that Dean was told by Parvati that Padma inferred from something Seamus said that Hagrid is looking for you.
HARRY: Yeah, well-you just tell Ron that-
HERMIONE: I’M NOT AN OWL!
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HARRY: O rly?
HERMIONE: YA RLY!
NEVILLE: No wai!
Big Love in the Forbidden Forest
[In the hidden dark of the forest, Hagrid and Madame Maxime are reunited with tenderness anew; “Aníron” plays softly while, in the distance, trees burn and men run screaming.]
DRAGONS: *FLAMEROAR*
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MAXIME: Là, c’est si romantique!
HARRY [under invisibility cloak]: This is what you wanted me to see? The cause of my imminent demise?
HAGRID: Yup. And watch out for the Horntail there in particular, Harry, he’s a right bastard.
HARRY: *facepalm*
Between Classes, Some Courtyard
SOME HUFFLEPUFF: Hey, Ced, what was all that about back there?
CEDRIC: I dunno-Potter wanted to give me some unethical insider tips about the first task, and then there was something about a ferret bouncing down some kid’s pants, and then Moody hauled Potter off somewhere.
SOME HUFFLEPUFF: Huh.
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MCGONAGALL [in the distance]: Professor Moody! We do NOT use bestiality as a punishment! COME BACK HERE!
Moody’s Office
[Moody takes a leg load off in his office, which includes a Foe Glass that we will never see again and a strangely rumbly trunk.]
MOODY: So, what were you thinking about doing for the first task? I mean, since everyone already knows it involves dragons.
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HARRY: I just thought I’d… fall down and… die, and things.
MOODY’S MAD EYE: *roll*
MOODY: The trunk thinks that’s a shit idea, too. Take a seat, son, we’re going to be here a while.
Champions’ Tent, The First Task
HERMIONE: The important thing is to concentrate, and then-
HARRY: Not die?
DUMBLEDORE: Miss Granger! What are you doing here?
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HERMIONE: Just-giving the shippers false hope. I’ll go now.
[Barty Crouch has each champion pull a tiny color-coordinated dragon out of a bag. Harry gets the Hungarian Horntail, because his life just sucks that much.]
DUMBLEDORE [*shoulder pat*]: It was nice knowing you, Harry.
CROUCH: Without a golden dragon egg you cannot proceed. Nor can you if you are deceased. So get out there, have some fun, and try not to die.
The First Three Dragons
[These scenes have been cut for time.]
Abandon Hope All Ye Who Compete Here
[Harry sits in the champions’ tent, alone and disconsolate, listening to all the others presumably not die while the Dumbledore commentates.]
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OBLIGATORY FRENCH JOKE: And the French champion has surrendered her egg right out from under the Welsh Green! But now, here’s the other Hogwarts champion!
HARRY: *falls down*
HERMIONE: Harry! Your wand!
RON: Bloody-
HERMIONE: YOUR WAND!
HARRY: Accio Firebolt!
THE HORNTAIL: *FIREBELCH*
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HARRY: NOT THAT KIND!
[Harry successfully summons his broom-per Moody’s coaching-but the Horntail breaks free of its chains and chases Harry over the Hogwarts campus. This scene is definitely not cut for time.]
DUMBLEDORE: That’s the last time I let you buy Geonosian chains, Filch.
[Harry falls off his broom, bounces off a large stretch of roof and several turrets, and plunges to his death. Hermione and Ginny join convents, Ron turns to firewhisky, and Voldemort rules the world. Fin.]
Charms Class, Twenty Years from Now
PROFESSOR HITLERWICK: And this, kids, is the windowsill Harry Potter broke not plunging to his death during the Triwizard Tournament!
CHARMS STUDENTS: Ooooooh!
The Gryffindor Common Room
[The good news is that Harry managed not to die. The bad news is that the golden egg does nothing but shriek when you try to open it. Fortunately, such times of dragon danger have brought Harry and Ron back together, the foundation of their friendship unshakeable.]
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HERMIONE: This is the part where you start making out.
GINNY: Okay, that's it, I'm done.
Gryffindor Charm School
[Professor McGonagall has rounded all her students up to announce that the traditional tournament Yule Ball will require dancing. You know, as opposed to those balls that are strictly for non-dancing.]
MCGONAGALL: And so help me Merlin, you lot will NOT embarrass me in front of Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. You will dance, you will BEHAVE, and you had better not show up in some ancient rag from the Dark Ages or the ’70s.
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RON: *facepalm*
The Best Scene in Any Harry Potter Movie, Ever
[I’m still not sure why Gryffindors of various years are in a large hall presided over by a notebook-wielding Snape, but there you go. As Ron and Harry discuss their supreme datelessness, they piss off Hermione and Snape, resulting in George (or Fred) getting his mack on-]
FRED (OR GEORGE): Hey baby, you so fine, baby.
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ANGELINA: *phone fingers*
FRED (OR GEORGE): *finger guns*
-and Snape getting his whack on.
HARRY AND RON: Ow!
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SNAPE: I love the sound of discipline in stereo.
Young, Awkward Love
[Harry’s just sent another letter off to Sirius when he runs into Cho Chang, the love of his fourteen-year-old life.]
HARRY: Cho-I-I was wondering if…
CHO: Yes, Harry?
HARRY: If… wondering if… you would… maybe…
CHO: If I would…?
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HARRY: Go baaaaall. Biiiig dance. Comb hair, bring flower? Baaaaall.
CHO: Oh, Harry… I wish I could, but I told Cedric five minutes ago that I’d go with him.
HARRY: *sob*
The Gryffindor Common Room
RON: B-b-bloody… h-hell…
HARRY: Good God, what happened to you?
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RON: Bloody… b-bloody… hhhhhh…
GINNY: He asked Fleur Delacour to the ball. It, uh… it didn’t go so well.
The Courtyard, Twenty Years Later
PROFESSOR HITLERWICK: And this is where the French Triwizard champion was attacked by a deranged stalker!
CHARMS STUDENTS: Ooooooh!
The Yule Ball
[Somehow, everyone finds dates-Harry calls in some favors with the Patils, Ron shambles straight out of formal zombie hell, and Hermione, in a scene that would be all the more effective if her hair hadn’t been gorgeous throughout the last two movies AND her dress weren’t a giant cascade of puce ruffles, goes with Krum. Things go about as well as you could hope for the first three minutes, at which point the champions have to lead off some sort of ill-advised waltz-galliard combo.]
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MCGONAGALL: Quick, bring in the godless rock band!
[It turns out that wizard balls are just like muggle proms-full of jealousy, boys refusing to dance, meltdowns on the stairs, and the first stirrings of young love:]
RON: Traitor!
HERMIONE: Hypocrite!
RON: Fraternizer!
HERMIONE: Coward!
RON: Well-I-you-
HERMIONE: STUPID BOY!
HARRY: Hey, is everything oka-
HERMIONE: GO TO BED!
RON: Bloody... hell?
HERMIONE: *sob*
The Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory
[Harry has another prophetically bad dream, interrupted by Neville waltzing in at crack-thirty.]
RON: Whazzat?
HARRY: Nothing, Ron. I’m dreaming about Voldemort and your sister’s a hoor. Go back to sleep.
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RON: *snoreflop*
The Inexplicable Bridge
[Two days before the second task, and Harry still has no idea how to open the golden egg, or what the second task will even be. The bridge seems to be repaired from the largish crumbly dent the dear departed Horntail put in it, by the way.]
HARRY: So, how’s the mad Bulgarian love affair going?
HERMIONE: Mostly he just watches me study.
HARRY: Hey, if that’s his kink-I don’t judge.
CEDRIC: Hey! Harry! You know the prefects’ bathroom? There’s this giant tub up there with dozens of bubblebath taps, and… you know, I never thanked you properly for helping me out with the first task… it’s a great place to take a bath.
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HARRY: Cedric…? Are you trying to ask me out?
Getting Wet in the Prefects' Bath
HARRY: Myrtle, I’m fourteen. Maybe I am the most built fourteen-year-old ever, but I’m underaged and you’re a ghost.
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MYRTLE: *coy giggle*
The Library
RON: Bloody hell, what’d you do then?
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HARRY: Well, she finally told me to open the egg underwater. I don’t even want to talk about the things I had to do to get that much out of her, though.
HERMIONE: Well, what was the clue?
HARRY: Let’s just say that I have to figure out how to hold my breath in the Black Lake for an hour.
HERMIONE: Well, according to Hogwarts: A History-
MOODY: Granger! Weasley! McGonagall’s office, now!
HERMIONE: But-at this time of night?
MOODY: Urgent plot development’s come up. GET!
HARRY: Well, now what am I going to do? If only there were some kind of spell, or potion, or something that I could ingest to help me breathe underwater...
[Moody looks at Neville, who’s shelving books. Neville looks at Harry. Harry looks at Moody.]
MOODY: DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
The Black Lake, Second Task
HARRY: You want me to put what in my mouth? God, this is like Moaning Myrtle all over again.
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NEVILLE [brandishing gillyweed]: Come on, Harry!
[Meanwhile, the Weasley twins are taking bets on the champions’ survival:]
FRED (OR GEORGE): Three lads!
GEORGE (OR FRED): One lady!
FRED (OR GEORGE): Four go down-
GEORGE (OR FRED): -but do four come up?
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GINNY: Okay, I really did see a porno like that once.
[The task is at hand! Before Harry’s delicate sensibilities can interfere, Moody crams the gillyweed into his mouth and boots him into the lake. The three other champions swim off, and Harry sinks like a stone.]
NEVILLE: Oh my god! I've killed Harry Potter!
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OBLIGATORY SOUTH PARK JOKE: You bastard!
DUMBLEDORE: And our champions are off! Mr. Diggory has conjured quite a nice bubblehead charm, while Mr. Krum seems to have half-assed some kind of shark transfiguration-oh dear, five minutes in and Miss Delacour has already surrendered. Meanwhile, I fear that Mr. Potter may have drowned-
NEVILLE: OH MY GOD!
DUMBLEDORE: JUST KIDDING!
Fifty-Four Minutes Later
DUMBLEDORE: And here’s Mr. Diggory with his stolen “treasure,” Miss Chang-and Mr. Krum right behind him with Miss Granger. I can’t wait for the awkward conversations tomorrow will bring! Ah, time’s up! Looks like Miss Delacour’s sister will just have to drown.
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FLEUR: *le sob*
DUMBLEDORE: Wait! No! Here’s Merharry with both Mr. Weasley and the Littlest Delacour for the win!
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AMOS DIGGORY: For the win?
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, we’ll give him second place.
KARKAROFF: SECOND PLACE?
DUMBLEDORE [shrugging]: He’s the hero, what can I do?
Post-Task Celebrations
[After a strange confrontation with Moody and a completely depressing attempt to bond with Harry, Barty Crouch turns up dead.]
Dumbledore’s Office
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, it really is time to call off the Tournament, seriously.
FUDGE: What, so he turned up dead! Sometimes when I talk to Potter, with the Voldemort this and the orphan that, I wish I was dead. Think of it this way-Barty Crouch is in a far better, cheerier--OH HI HARRY.
[Dumbledore drags Fudge off so Harry can wander around his office and eat his licorice (which shouldn't sound as dirty as it does). Some people access hidden rooms with trick piano keys or fake bookshelves; Dumbledore uses a candy dish.)
HARRY: Hey! It's a PensAHHHHHHHH!
Karkaroff’s Trial, Lo These Many Years Ago
[Harry tumbles into Dumbledore's memory of Igor Karkaroff's sentencing at the perfect moment for maximum expository yield.]
BARTY CROUCH: …and so, if you don’t cough up these so-called, alleged “names,” it’s back to the dementors for you!
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[It’s particularly apt that Karkaroff’s being held in a giant cage, because he starts singing like a canary.]
KARKAROFF: Severus Snape!
DUMBLEDORE: I vouch for Severus Snape, for mysterious reasons to be revealed in the seventh book. Maybe.
KARKAROFF: Evan Rosier!
BARTY CROUCH: Killed him.
KARKAROFF: Augustus Rookwood?
BARTY CROUCH: Also him.
KARKAROFF: MY MOTHER!
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BARTY CROUCH: Her too.
KARKAROFF: YOUR SON!
[Barty Crouch Jr. is a lip-licking sociopath, FYI. Just as Junior is being carted off to Azkaban, Harry falls back out of the pensieve.]
Dumbledore’s Office
HARRY: Hey! It’s Mr. Crouch’s son I’ve been seeing in my prophetically bad dreams about Voldemort! Surely this is worth some kind of investigation!
DUMBLEDORE: I must disagree, Harry. If you’re having dreams about Voldemort, I believe it would be unwise to linger over them, particularly if they seem to provide any clues, genuine or otherwise, to what the hell is supposed to be going on. My advice would be to fret in secret and let your presumptions lead to tragedy.
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HARRY: Getting a head start on the next book, are we?
Snape’s Potions Storeroom
[Leaving Dumbledore’s office, Harry stumbles upon Snape and Karkaroff acting shady out in the hall.]
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KARKAROFF: Severus, you know what it means when the thing does the thing! It means the thing will soon be thinging!
SNAPE: Shhh! Not in front of the hero, you dolt! And YOU, Potter. If I EVER catch you stealing gillyweed-
HARRY: I didn’t!
SNAPE: -or dragon toes, or lacewing peels, or boomslang whatsits, or WHATEVER from my storeroom EVER AGAIN-
HARRY: But I DIDN’T!
SNAPE: I WILL END YOU. Is that clear?
HARRY: Crystal.
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SNAPE: DON’T STEAL THOSE EITHER.
Some Ginormous Maze, Third Task
[The four champions are greeted by an oompah band, the French Macarena, and patriotic glowering from Durmstrang’s general direction. Dumbledore gathers the four champions together for a few last words of wisdom:]
DUMBLEDORE: Now, within this maze, you will meet the greatest enemy of all: yourselves.
CEDRIC: What about the sphinx? And the giant spider?
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[Up in the stands, Ron faints for old times’ sake.]
DUMBLEDORE: We ran out of money for those. Off you go!
[Instead of monsters, the maze has… shrubbery. Lots and lots of man-eating shrubberies. There may also be knights who say “Ni!,” but with a maze this big, there’s really no telling. Zombie!Krum attacks Fleur, and then a hedge attacks Fleur, so Fleur does the only thing she knows how to do: surrender. Then Zombie!Krum attacks Harry and Cedric, and Harry and Cedric attack Zombie!Krum, and then they attack each other, and finally they learn the value of Fairness or Good Sportsmanship or something, because Harry and Cedric agree to grab the Triwizard Cup at the same time, which plotkeys them over to…]
The Riddle Cemetery
[…the place Harry kept seeing in his nightmares.]
HARRY: Run, Cedric! I can hold Wormtail off, he’ll talk for days while you get help-
WORMTAIL: AVADA KEDAVRA!
[Cedric dies really, really dead.]
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HARRY: WHAT THE HELL?!
Still in the Riddle Cemetery
[By sacrificing Pa Riddle’s femur, blood from Harry’s forearm-]
HARRY: SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURT!
[-and his own hand-]
WORMTAIL: I DON’T EVEN WANT TO HEAR IT.
[-Wormtail resurrects Lord Voldemort, who appears in a floaty black hospital gown.]
VOLDEMORT: A hospital gown?
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WORMTAIL: It’s an evil hospital gown.
VOLDEMORT: Fine, but it better have a back.
[Voldemort then summons all of his weaksauce conspirators who have been hiding out since his downfall. Harry’s trapped, scared, and bleeding, and Voldemort has a captive audience, so obviously it’s time, for once and for all, to… talk.]
VOLDEMORT: Shall I divulge what really happened? How it was really your mother’s love that saved you?
HARRY: But-that’s basically the same thing that gets revealed at the end of all the-
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VOLDEMORT: CRUCIO!
The Riddle Cemetery, Several Hours Later
VOLDEMORT [idly torturing Harry]: I’m going to kill you, Harry Potter. Just as soon as I finish this monologue. Any day now.
WORMTAIL: Hey boss, you want us to go ahead and-
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VOLDEMORT: NO! I’m really excited about eventually doing this!
LUCIUS MALFOY: But seriously, we could just-
VOLDEMORT: YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?
[Voldemort finally gets around to dueling with Harry, because apparently the Dark Lord just really wants things to be fair, and as they cast simultaneous spells, their wand… ray… beam… things lock together and start spraying ectoplasm. This is, after all, what happens when you cross the streams. And while the ghosts of Harry's parents and/or Voldemort's last victims distract the Big V, Harry escapes.]
VOLDEMORT: NOOOOOO! DAMN YOU, POTTER! I WAS ONLY FIVE HOURS AWAY FROM KILLING YOUUUUU!
Some Ginormous Maze
[Harry reappears with Cedric’s body before the crowd, which bursts into cheers and oompah music.]
HARRY [sobbing incoherently]: He’s back! He’s back!
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[Fleur screams, at which point people start to realize something bad’s happened. Dumbledore has to pry a weeping Harry off Cedric’s body so that Cedric’s father can take his turn keening over it while three schools’ worth of students stare on in horror, and there’s kind of no way to be funny about it. Sorry, y’all.]
Moody’s Office
MOODY: This is no time to be with powerful wizards and witches who could protect and comfort you! Now, tell me all about the Dark Lord! Is he looking good? Did all the Death Eaters show up? Is Wormtail keeping the graveyard nice?
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HARRY: You got all that from “He’s back”?
MOODY: … Yes.
[Just when it looks like someone could maybe, finally just bust a cap in Harry Potter’s invincible teenage ass and be done with it, Moody starts convulsing, and before his seizure can finish up, the professors burst in to save Harry. While they’re at it, Snape pours a whole vial of veritaserum down “Moody’s” throat.]
NOT!MOODY: FINE. I’m not Moody, Moody’s in his jammies in my-his-trunk and I’m actually a convicted Death Eater who escaped from Azkaban to put in motion an incredibly complex scheme that involved teaching classes for an entire school year, constantly chugging Polyjuice Potion, and rigging the Triwizard Tournament in order to put Harry in the Dark Lord’s momentary clutches, rather than just knock the kid upside the head and send him over one day after class back in September.
Any Explanation of How This Happened
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[This scene has been cut for time.]
Moody’s Office
HARRY: What?
SNAPE: How?
MCGONAGALL: Who?
DUMBLEDORE: Barty Crouch, Junior! Well, at least we now know who’s been stealing from your storeroom, Severus.
HARRY: YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.
BARTAMOODY: And there’s nothing you can do about it, because Voldemort is back and he’s got Harry’s blood and I’ll go back to Azkaban a hero!
DUMBLEDORE: Suck Dementor face, Junior. I’ve never had much time for heroes.
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SNAPE: Man, are you mentoring the wrong kid.
Cedric’s Memorial
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DUMBLEDORE: I had a really good speech prepared, but I put it in my beard and I can’t find it now, so let me just say: we are here today to remember a boy named Cedric. Nice kid. Good dancer. You helped him cheat, he’d help you right back. Liked bubblebaths and hugging wet boys. But most importantly of all: he was mellow. So I ask you to join me now, in pouring one out for C-Dig.
The Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, I put you in terrible danger this year, and I’m sorry. I mean, not enough to keep from doing the same thing next year, but you know: bygones. I just want you to remember that you’ll always have friends here, and you’ll never be alone.
HARRY: So can I stay here instead of going to the Dursleys’?
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DUMBLEDORE: Well… no. We’re all going home for the summer and the school will be empty.
HARRY: But-you said-
DUMBLEDORE: Have a great summer!
Farewells and Goodbyes
HERMIONE: Everything’s going to change, isn’t it?
HARRY: Well, not really. I mean, we’re still going to have to fight some evil teacher next year, and someone else will probably be killed. I’ll fall down a lot, and you two will still bicker incessantly. Although I do think we’ll see an eventual upswing in snogging.
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RON: Brilliant.
HERMIONE: RON!
RON: BLOODY HELL.
Fin.
© 2007 Cleolinda Jones.
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