Fic: Got Sin? (8/?)
Media: Fic
Title: Got Sin?
Author: slayerkitty
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Damian/Lily, Eventual Holden/Lily, Past Katie/Brad
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst
Warnings: Exploration of Religion (particularly Catholicism) and Atheism, homophobia (From other characters as well as religious beliefs and some internalized homophobia), violence, mild (currently, but subject to change) blood/gore, Characters impersonating religious figures
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Through Sept 2nd, 2010 to be safe (but this is AU, so no real spoilers)
Word Count: This chapter: 1,053 /Total: 19,952(so far)
Disclaimer: ATWT and its characters are not mine. I'm just playing with them.
Summary: There's no religion that can save me, no matter how long my knees are on the floor.
Author’s Note: I came up with this random idea to do a LuRe seven dead sins fic. In the course of trying to figure it out, the fic suddenly mutated into what you see now. I have no idea what possessed me (hah!) to write this, but the idea won't let me go. PLEASE, PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS - if you think something in this fic might offend you in some way, please don't read it. Summary is from “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars.
Thanks to alissablue for being an awesome beta. Also thanks to erikssiren for helping me out with the Catholicism related items.
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7
And I would give all this and heaven too, I would give it all if only for a moment - All This and Heaven Too, Florence and the Machine.
It was just a brush of lips against his, but it was like a spark to a wood full of dry tinder. Luciano had no idea what had come over him. His bitterness and regret over the other night in his room, when he’d brought himself to completion with thoughts of Tim in his head, had overwhelmed him. He’d avoided Tim and the church, instead seeking solace in daily rides with Holden and the horses.
Holden had let him stew quietly, just sitting until he felt ready to speak.
“If you knew something was wrong, if the way you felt about someone was wrong, would you still act on it?” Luciano asked, staring off in the distance.
“You said the other day you had feelings for someone and they were ‘inappropriate’,” Holden reminded him. “Are we discussing the same person?”
Luciano nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I cannot stop thinking about them. It’s like they’re haunting me. I cannot sleep, I cannot even pray,” he finished. “I am nothing but a shell of myself.”
“It’s called love, Luciano,” Holden replied. “It’s not rational and it consumes even the best of us.”
“But why do I feel this way about someone who I can never have?”
“Is that the truth?” Holden asked. “I’m sure it seems like an impossible situation, but is it really that bad?”
“In a hypothetical situation where my feelings were not an absolute sin, we would still never work,” Luciano laughed, a little hysterically. “What will become of me?” he asked. “I feel like I am going mad.”
Holden patted his shoulder in sympathy. “Say you give in to your feelings, you act on them,” he began. Luciano stared at him. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Eternal damnation,” Luciano replied.
“Doesn’t God forgive all sins?”
“Yes, of course,” Luciano answered. “Are you seriously suggesting that I go to this person with the intent to act on my desires and then pray for forgiveness later?”
“I think I am,” Holden chuckled a little, and Luciano found he couldn’t breathe very well. The idea that he could do anything more than just talk with Tim was heady. “The not knowing is tearing you up inside. I’ve seen how miserable you’ve been the last few days.”
“But what if I… what if we…” Luciano tried to get out. What if he and Tim were so amazing together that he had to have him again and again? Would he not just be damning himself? “What if I can’t stop once I’ve started?”
*
Luke’s tentative kiss was the only encouragement Reid needed. Desire and instinct took over, rushing through him. His hands found Luke’s waist and held him tightly. His lips plundered Luke’s mouth, taking everything Luke had to give. Luke’s fingernails dug deep into his shoulder, even with the fabric of his shirt in the way.
Luke suddenly wrenched himself out of Reid’s arms. He doubled over, tears spilling from his eyes as he sank to the ground to land on his knees.
“Oh, God,” he cried out in anguish.
“Luke,” Reid said gently, squatting down. “It’s okay.”
“No,” Luke shook his head, his voice thick with tears. “No, because it didn’t help, and I… Oh, God, you’re a priest and I…” His eyes darted wildly around, as if some answer to this problem was going to come from the shrubbery.
“Luke,” Reid murmured. “It’s okay. This is just… one more thing that’s shaken my faith. I’ve had this attraction to other men as long as I can remember.”
“You have?” Luke asked, his trembling hands wiping the tears off his cheeks.
“Since I was nine, in fact,” Reid told him. “I accepted it for a while, but then… things happened, and here I am.”
“I didn’t know what to do when I realized I felt this way,” Luke whispered. “What could I have done to make God punish me like this? To have it so I’m constantly tempted by the Devil himself.”
“It’s not a bad thing to love someone, Luke,” Reid replied. “This attraction we feel, it’s not evil. It’s not a sin.”
“But the Bible says…” Luke trailed off, choking a little. “It says that Man shall not lie with Man as he lies with a woman.”
“To be honest, I wouldn’t want to lie with a woman the way I’d want to lie with a man, if you get my drift,” Reid said, smiling.
“It’s not a joke, Tim,” Luke hissed.
“No, it’s not a joke,” Reid agreed. “It’s your life and your faith, and I shouldn’t…” He swallowed hard. “You should walk away and forget you know me.”
“I don’t think I can,” Luke told him, staring at him with a helpless expression. Reid’s heart clenched. For so long he’d been focused on being the best doctor he could be he’d neglected everything else. Luke often reminded Reid that the world didn’t revolve around him. “Now that I know how good it feels,” Luke shuddered, “I can’t…” his lips smacked together, his defeat stretched across his features.
“You can’t what?” Reid hardly dared to ask, his eyes wide in surprise. “You can’t what, Luke?” he pushed when Luke didn’t answer.
“I can’t fight anymore,” Luke whispered, his head rising to meet Reid’s gaze. “I’m so tired of fighting it. It’s every day, and constant, and you’re… amazing, and I-"
“You’re sure this is what you want,” Reid breathed out, moving closer to him.
“Yes,” Luke replied, his voice firmer now. “I need to see this through… otherwise I’ll never know.” He paused. “But what about you, you’re a-"
“You let me worry about my relationship with God,” Reid instructed him, “and I’ll let you worry about yours.”
Luke stared at him for a long while, as if he was debating something within himself. Reid let him take all the time he needed. Eventually Luke’s eyes locked on Reid’s and he nodded.
Reid let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. They were going to do this. His brain raced a mile a minute, contemplating. “Come with me,” Reid said, taking Luke’s hand and pulling him to his feet.
Title: Got Sin?
Author: slayerkitty
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Damian/Lily, Eventual Holden/Lily, Past Katie/Brad
Genre: AU, Romance, Angst
Warnings: Exploration of Religion (particularly Catholicism) and Atheism, homophobia (From other characters as well as religious beliefs and some internalized homophobia), violence, mild (currently, but subject to change) blood/gore, Characters impersonating religious figures
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Through Sept 2nd, 2010 to be safe (but this is AU, so no real spoilers)
Word Count: This chapter: 1,053 /Total: 19,952(so far)
Disclaimer: ATWT and its characters are not mine. I'm just playing with them.
Summary: There's no religion that can save me, no matter how long my knees are on the floor.
Author’s Note: I came up with this random idea to do a LuRe seven dead sins fic. In the course of trying to figure it out, the fic suddenly mutated into what you see now. I have no idea what possessed me (hah!) to write this, but the idea won't let me go. PLEASE, PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS - if you think something in this fic might offend you in some way, please don't read it. Summary is from “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars.
Thanks to alissablue for being an awesome beta. Also thanks to erikssiren for helping me out with the Catholicism related items.
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7
And I would give all this and heaven too, I would give it all if only for a moment - All This and Heaven Too, Florence and the Machine.
It was just a brush of lips against his, but it was like a spark to a wood full of dry tinder. Luciano had no idea what had come over him. His bitterness and regret over the other night in his room, when he’d brought himself to completion with thoughts of Tim in his head, had overwhelmed him. He’d avoided Tim and the church, instead seeking solace in daily rides with Holden and the horses.
Holden had let him stew quietly, just sitting until he felt ready to speak.
“If you knew something was wrong, if the way you felt about someone was wrong, would you still act on it?” Luciano asked, staring off in the distance.
“You said the other day you had feelings for someone and they were ‘inappropriate’,” Holden reminded him. “Are we discussing the same person?”
Luciano nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I cannot stop thinking about them. It’s like they’re haunting me. I cannot sleep, I cannot even pray,” he finished. “I am nothing but a shell of myself.”
“It’s called love, Luciano,” Holden replied. “It’s not rational and it consumes even the best of us.”
“But why do I feel this way about someone who I can never have?”
“Is that the truth?” Holden asked. “I’m sure it seems like an impossible situation, but is it really that bad?”
“In a hypothetical situation where my feelings were not an absolute sin, we would still never work,” Luciano laughed, a little hysterically. “What will become of me?” he asked. “I feel like I am going mad.”
Holden patted his shoulder in sympathy. “Say you give in to your feelings, you act on them,” he began. Luciano stared at him. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
“Eternal damnation,” Luciano replied.
“Doesn’t God forgive all sins?”
“Yes, of course,” Luciano answered. “Are you seriously suggesting that I go to this person with the intent to act on my desires and then pray for forgiveness later?”
“I think I am,” Holden chuckled a little, and Luciano found he couldn’t breathe very well. The idea that he could do anything more than just talk with Tim was heady. “The not knowing is tearing you up inside. I’ve seen how miserable you’ve been the last few days.”
“But what if I… what if we…” Luciano tried to get out. What if he and Tim were so amazing together that he had to have him again and again? Would he not just be damning himself? “What if I can’t stop once I’ve started?”
*
Luke’s tentative kiss was the only encouragement Reid needed. Desire and instinct took over, rushing through him. His hands found Luke’s waist and held him tightly. His lips plundered Luke’s mouth, taking everything Luke had to give. Luke’s fingernails dug deep into his shoulder, even with the fabric of his shirt in the way.
Luke suddenly wrenched himself out of Reid’s arms. He doubled over, tears spilling from his eyes as he sank to the ground to land on his knees.
“Oh, God,” he cried out in anguish.
“Luke,” Reid said gently, squatting down. “It’s okay.”
“No,” Luke shook his head, his voice thick with tears. “No, because it didn’t help, and I… Oh, God, you’re a priest and I…” His eyes darted wildly around, as if some answer to this problem was going to come from the shrubbery.
“Luke,” Reid murmured. “It’s okay. This is just… one more thing that’s shaken my faith. I’ve had this attraction to other men as long as I can remember.”
“You have?” Luke asked, his trembling hands wiping the tears off his cheeks.
“Since I was nine, in fact,” Reid told him. “I accepted it for a while, but then… things happened, and here I am.”
“I didn’t know what to do when I realized I felt this way,” Luke whispered. “What could I have done to make God punish me like this? To have it so I’m constantly tempted by the Devil himself.”
“It’s not a bad thing to love someone, Luke,” Reid replied. “This attraction we feel, it’s not evil. It’s not a sin.”
“But the Bible says…” Luke trailed off, choking a little. “It says that Man shall not lie with Man as he lies with a woman.”
“To be honest, I wouldn’t want to lie with a woman the way I’d want to lie with a man, if you get my drift,” Reid said, smiling.
“It’s not a joke, Tim,” Luke hissed.
“No, it’s not a joke,” Reid agreed. “It’s your life and your faith, and I shouldn’t…” He swallowed hard. “You should walk away and forget you know me.”
“I don’t think I can,” Luke told him, staring at him with a helpless expression. Reid’s heart clenched. For so long he’d been focused on being the best doctor he could be he’d neglected everything else. Luke often reminded Reid that the world didn’t revolve around him. “Now that I know how good it feels,” Luke shuddered, “I can’t…” his lips smacked together, his defeat stretched across his features.
“You can’t what?” Reid hardly dared to ask, his eyes wide in surprise. “You can’t what, Luke?” he pushed when Luke didn’t answer.
“I can’t fight anymore,” Luke whispered, his head rising to meet Reid’s gaze. “I’m so tired of fighting it. It’s every day, and constant, and you’re… amazing, and I-"
“You’re sure this is what you want,” Reid breathed out, moving closer to him.
“Yes,” Luke replied, his voice firmer now. “I need to see this through… otherwise I’ll never know.” He paused. “But what about you, you’re a-"
“You let me worry about my relationship with God,” Reid instructed him, “and I’ll let you worry about yours.”
Luke stared at him for a long while, as if he was debating something within himself. Reid let him take all the time he needed. Eventually Luke’s eyes locked on Reid’s and he nodded.
Reid let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. They were going to do this. His brain raced a mile a minute, contemplating. “Come with me,” Reid said, taking Luke’s hand and pulling him to his feet.