The Very Heart of Me 8/8
Title: The Very Heart of Me
Fandom: BtVS
Characters/Pairing: This epilogue is pure Spander
Rating: PG-13 overall
Concrit: Please, in comments
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, not yet, but the will be once I've taken over the world. Bwah-ha-ha.
Warnings/Squicks: None
Summary: That was all ancient past though. Left him with a rep for being cooler than he was and the certain knowledge of the one person, or vamp, in all the world, who he wanted in his life. He sort of wished Spike would just split town.
Story index is here.
At the time, Xander had thought he'd die of embarrassment. Willow, who could always talk him into anything, had wiggled the whole sordid story, as much as he'd known back then anyway, out of him. He, of course, had gotten stuck talking Buffy out of killing Ethan, which wasn't easy, especially since he wasn't so sure Ethan didn't deserve at least a little bit of maiming. Except he'd grown to like Ethan by then; he was sort of like a cool older brother, although the kind who got you into all kinds of trouble. Besides, he totally got the whole jealousy thing although he didn't figure that part out until years later.
Years of watching Spike with Dru and then, later, Spike with Buffy.
Years of going to certain kinds of clubs, that Ethan had shown him how to find, but only after many talks, lectures really, with Giles of course, which was even worse than talking to Willow than you very much, about how to keep himself safe physically, mentally, and emotionally in said clubs.
They'd even found a therapist, part demon although they hadn't told Buffy that, willing to take on the whole mess. He'd gone alone and with Ethan. It had been easier, in some ways, than his talks with Giles or Willow, because he didn't feel stupid in front of the therapist, but it had also been harder because the therapist was more demanding than his friends and didn't let him hide his feelings behind jokes. He knew it had been worse for Ethan, especially when he'd gone in with Giles, although he really hadn't much cared about Ethan's feelings at the time.
That was all ancient past though. Left him with a rep for being cooler than he was and the certain knowledge of the one person, or vamp, in all the world, who he wanted in his life. He sort of wished Spike would just split town.
Spike hadn't believed Buffy when she told him it was only about the sex, not until Angel had called and she'd flown to his side. Left him alone, just like Drusilla had. While he'd wanted Buffy back, at least at first, he hadn't been pathetic enough to take her back. Not that she'd offered even when she had returned to Sunnydale without Angel. He never brought it up and she acted awkward around him, for a bit, but then seemed to forget all about it. As if it had never happened.
His only consolation, that nobody else knew, was put to the test a few months later when he noticed that Xander was watching him. A lot. He didn't know how long it had been going on but, when he put his mind to it, seemed like Xander had always noticed him. At first Spike had figured Xander didn't like him because he was a vamp. The boy couldn't stand Angel, after all, although that could have just been good taste. Now that Spike was paying attention though, there was something about the intensity of it that was off.
He gave it a few weeks, watching Xander watcing him, to see if he could figure it out. Those were fun weeks. Catching Xander's gaze before he could turn away. Surprising though. He'd have thought Xander would blush or stammer but he just returned Spike's look for a moment longer before turning back to whatever he should have been doing. Somewhere along the line that gawky boy had turned into a most interesting man. Mysterious as well. Spike still didn't know what he was up to.
One way to find out though. After a research meeting, when Xander was walking home alone, Spike stepped out of the shadows. “Harris.”
Xander spun towards him, stake out and ready, until he saw who it was. “Spike,” he said as he stepped back, obviously uncomfortable with the confrontation.
Spike smiled. Throw your opponent off balance before you strike, he thought. “You know,” he said, lighting a cigarette. “Seems like your always keeping an eye on me.” He took a drag and then blew out the smoke. “Was wondering why.”
Xander couldn't take his gaze off Spike as he wrapped his lips around the cigarette. Oral fixation much, he asked himself. With his brain out of commission, he said the first thing that popped into his head. “Maybe I'm thinking about how you'd look in nothing but a cock ring with that pretty mouth begging for release.” When Xander heard what he'd said, years of scenes allowed him to maintain enough dignity to limit his response to a widening of the eyes, although he couldn't prevent his heart rate from picking up.
What the, Spike asked himself but then Xander started in with, “Spike, I...”
“Shhh,” Spike interrupted, placing a finger over Xander's mouth.
Xander closed his eyes. His breathing got heavier. He wanted to reach out and take that finger into his mouth but didn't quite dare. He wanted it too much and he knew that this was it. If Spike rejected him, now that everything was out in the open, it would be for good. He'd never again be able to imagine he might get what he wanted.
“You were impressive with that whip,” Spike said, drawing his hand back. “All those years ago.”
Xander opened his eyes. “You noticed?”
Course I noticed, Spike thought. You bloody well whipped me! Twice! “Might have,” Spike replied. “What other thoughts you got rolling around in that head of yours?”
Feeling as if he were about to step off a cliff, Xander replied, “Why don't you come home with me and find out?” As he walked down the street, carefully not looking behind him, Xander prayed, Oh God, please be following, please be following, until, with a smile, Spike caught up with him, matched his stride to Xander's, and walked beside him all the way home. It didn't take very long at all.
Fandom: BtVS
Characters/Pairing: This epilogue is pure Spander
Rating: PG-13 overall
Concrit: Please, in comments
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, not yet, but the will be once I've taken over the world. Bwah-ha-ha.
Warnings/Squicks: None
Summary: That was all ancient past though. Left him with a rep for being cooler than he was and the certain knowledge of the one person, or vamp, in all the world, who he wanted in his life. He sort of wished Spike would just split town.
Story index is here.
At the time, Xander had thought he'd die of embarrassment. Willow, who could always talk him into anything, had wiggled the whole sordid story, as much as he'd known back then anyway, out of him. He, of course, had gotten stuck talking Buffy out of killing Ethan, which wasn't easy, especially since he wasn't so sure Ethan didn't deserve at least a little bit of maiming. Except he'd grown to like Ethan by then; he was sort of like a cool older brother, although the kind who got you into all kinds of trouble. Besides, he totally got the whole jealousy thing although he didn't figure that part out until years later.
Years of watching Spike with Dru and then, later, Spike with Buffy.
Years of going to certain kinds of clubs, that Ethan had shown him how to find, but only after many talks, lectures really, with Giles of course, which was even worse than talking to Willow than you very much, about how to keep himself safe physically, mentally, and emotionally in said clubs.
They'd even found a therapist, part demon although they hadn't told Buffy that, willing to take on the whole mess. He'd gone alone and with Ethan. It had been easier, in some ways, than his talks with Giles or Willow, because he didn't feel stupid in front of the therapist, but it had also been harder because the therapist was more demanding than his friends and didn't let him hide his feelings behind jokes. He knew it had been worse for Ethan, especially when he'd gone in with Giles, although he really hadn't much cared about Ethan's feelings at the time.
That was all ancient past though. Left him with a rep for being cooler than he was and the certain knowledge of the one person, or vamp, in all the world, who he wanted in his life. He sort of wished Spike would just split town.
Spike hadn't believed Buffy when she told him it was only about the sex, not until Angel had called and she'd flown to his side. Left him alone, just like Drusilla had. While he'd wanted Buffy back, at least at first, he hadn't been pathetic enough to take her back. Not that she'd offered even when she had returned to Sunnydale without Angel. He never brought it up and she acted awkward around him, for a bit, but then seemed to forget all about it. As if it had never happened.
His only consolation, that nobody else knew, was put to the test a few months later when he noticed that Xander was watching him. A lot. He didn't know how long it had been going on but, when he put his mind to it, seemed like Xander had always noticed him. At first Spike had figured Xander didn't like him because he was a vamp. The boy couldn't stand Angel, after all, although that could have just been good taste. Now that Spike was paying attention though, there was something about the intensity of it that was off.
He gave it a few weeks, watching Xander watcing him, to see if he could figure it out. Those were fun weeks. Catching Xander's gaze before he could turn away. Surprising though. He'd have thought Xander would blush or stammer but he just returned Spike's look for a moment longer before turning back to whatever he should have been doing. Somewhere along the line that gawky boy had turned into a most interesting man. Mysterious as well. Spike still didn't know what he was up to.
One way to find out though. After a research meeting, when Xander was walking home alone, Spike stepped out of the shadows. “Harris.”
Xander spun towards him, stake out and ready, until he saw who it was. “Spike,” he said as he stepped back, obviously uncomfortable with the confrontation.
Spike smiled. Throw your opponent off balance before you strike, he thought. “You know,” he said, lighting a cigarette. “Seems like your always keeping an eye on me.” He took a drag and then blew out the smoke. “Was wondering why.”
Xander couldn't take his gaze off Spike as he wrapped his lips around the cigarette. Oral fixation much, he asked himself. With his brain out of commission, he said the first thing that popped into his head. “Maybe I'm thinking about how you'd look in nothing but a cock ring with that pretty mouth begging for release.” When Xander heard what he'd said, years of scenes allowed him to maintain enough dignity to limit his response to a widening of the eyes, although he couldn't prevent his heart rate from picking up.
What the, Spike asked himself but then Xander started in with, “Spike, I...”
“Shhh,” Spike interrupted, placing a finger over Xander's mouth.
Xander closed his eyes. His breathing got heavier. He wanted to reach out and take that finger into his mouth but didn't quite dare. He wanted it too much and he knew that this was it. If Spike rejected him, now that everything was out in the open, it would be for good. He'd never again be able to imagine he might get what he wanted.
“You were impressive with that whip,” Spike said, drawing his hand back. “All those years ago.”
Xander opened his eyes. “You noticed?”
Course I noticed, Spike thought. You bloody well whipped me! Twice! “Might have,” Spike replied. “What other thoughts you got rolling around in that head of yours?”
Feeling as if he were about to step off a cliff, Xander replied, “Why don't you come home with me and find out?” As he walked down the street, carefully not looking behind him, Xander prayed, Oh God, please be following, please be following, until, with a smile, Spike caught up with him, matched his stride to Xander's, and walked beside him all the way home. It didn't take very long at all.