Learning How To Live (6/22)
Title: Learning how to live
Authors: jerseystrife , alixzin and I
Rating: mild M for some unpleasant adult themes
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Barney Stinson and his friends have all started to notice him avoiding them. When questions arise, Barney fights to keep his secrets and to keep the life he's grown comfortable with living.
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of us own either of the shows.
Note: A million thanks to roland44 for the beta.
Previous Chapters: One| Two| ThreeI Four| Five|
“Hey Barn,” Ted said sticking his head into the bathroom, “Would it be creepy if were to take a shower right now?”
“Go for it dude,” said Barney, not looking up from the stack of papers he was reading. “There is not yet a Bro Code article against such an occurrence as of yet.”
He was sitting on the bathroom floor right next to the toilet on a nest of pillows and blankets. Barney had bad nausea when he got back from the chemo clinic that he began camping out on the bathroom floor for an hour or two afterwards. He had started doing this on just his third day staying with them after failing to get to the toilet in time when he’d lost his balance and fallen over whilst rushing from the couch to the bathroom. Ted had tried several times to have him lie in bed with a bowl instead but Barney had refused since then one of them would have to clean up after him. So he and Robin did their best to make him as comfortable as possible on the floor and provided him with something to read.
“Bro Code article 151: a bro shall not shower while another bro is in the room puking.” said Ted with a grin as he stepped into the shower and threw his bathrobe over the curtain.
“With the possible amendment that it is allowed if the said bro is always puking in the bathroom in question.” Barney added in cheerfully. It never failed to amaze Ted how well he was able to take this situation in stride.
“So how’d it go with Robin taking you to the clinic today?” he asked loudly over the sound of the water running.
“It was good fun. We played Battleship the whole time I was on IV Cytarabine.”
“Yeah? Who won?”
“Neither, we both cheat. What’s the occasion for this mid-afternoon shower, anyway?”
“I’ve got a date! So Lily and Marshall are going to be hanging out with you tonight while Robin’s at work. Will that be-” He was interrupted by the sound of Barney retching. Ted winced, this sound a regular occurrence in this apartment, but he doubted he’ll ever get truly used to hearing it. “You okay?” Ted asked awkwardly once it appeared that Barney was done.
“M’awesome.”
“Anything come up that time?”
“Not much. I think I’m almost done. Will probably give it another fifteen minutes.”
“So… are you okay with Marshall and Lily hanging out with you tonight instead of me?”
“Sounds fantastic.” Barney answered, voice dripping in sarcasm.
“What’s wrong?”
“You got me a babysitter Ted! A babysitter! You actually think that I’m so pathetic and helpless that I can’t spend a few short hours alone.”
“Well, look, it’s not like that. I just thought you could use the company. Besides, if all goes well I’ll be out really late. I don’t like the idea of you being alone all night.”
“Oh that’s just great,” Barney snapped “Ted’s getting laid tonight while former sex god Barney Stinson can’t even sleep without having some mother hen watching over him!” Barney yelled and slammed on the toilet flusher and suddenly Ted was scorched in flaming hot water.
“Son of a bitch!” Ted screamed in fury as he grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist and jumped out of the shower. “You did that on purpose!”
“It was an accident.” Barney answered looking up at him wide-eyed, with a face of mock innocence before returning to his reading.
Ted was steaming both literally and figuratively as he marched over to the sink to rinse the remaining shampoo out of his hair.
“Are you reading internet porn?” he asked in a desperate attempt to lighten the hostile mood that had taken over the room.
“No,” Barney answered stiffly “This is an article from a medical journal one of the clinic nurses printed out for me. It’s the results of a clinical trial using All-Trans Retinoic Acid in pediatric cases of Acute Myeloid Leukemia.”
Ted gaped at him. “What?”
Barney sighed exasperatedly. “It’s about a possible new treatment for the type of cancer I have.”
“Can I take a look?” Ted asked, grabbing one of the pages and glancing briefly at it. “Barney this is all medical gibberish! There’s no way you can know what it's saying. No normal person could possibly understand this.”
“Well, clearly I’m not a normal person,” Barney said, not even looking up from his reading.
“What do you mean by that?”’
“By what?”
“Look Barney, we’ve all been wondering what’s been going on with you lately. You’re reading all these smartass books, you imply you know more about your condition than your doctors, you’re always kicking our butts at Trivial Pursuit even though you always lost a few months ago, you’re out-lawyering Marshall…This isn’t the Barney we’ve come to know and we can’t figure it out. We’ve all wanted to ask you this for a while now, only…” Ted suddenly stopped upon realizing he’d said too much.
“Only I’m too fragile to bring it up.” Barney finished bitterly. He stood up, swaying slightly and reaching for the sink for support.
Ted instinctively moved forward to help him but Barney jerked away from him.
“I’m fine Ted!” Barney screamed. “Stop treating me like I’m made of glass. I’m still a fully functioning adult, not a child! You guys are always treating me like I’ll die right on the spot at just the slightest pressure!”
“Well if you’re such a grown up then why don’t you have the balls to answer my question?!” Ted retorted.
“Because it doesn’t matter how I know this stuff, I just do. I always have, it’s not like it’s something that just magically appeared. Why is it so important to you anyway?”
“Because you’ve made it important!” Ted shouted “Because it’s a secret. Because you refuse to tell us what’s going on. Just like you didn’t tell us that you were sick. If it weren’t for the scotch incident we probably still wouldn’t know. And that really hurts! It makes us wonder what other bits of crucial information about yourself you’ve been withholding. And tell me something Barney, how can we possibly be friends if we can’t even trust you to be honest with us about yourself?!”
With that Ted stormed out to his bedroom to get dressed for his date. But with every second that passed he began to feel more and more guilty as he thought of the look on Barney’s face as he shouted that last bit at him. Now that he thought about it, he did rather look like someone who had just had their beloved puppy killed right in front of them.
But when Ted returned to the bathroom to apologize, Barney was gone.
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“Robin” her producer whispered to her in between filming. “Your friend Ted keeps on calling. He says it’s an emergency,”
She felt her stomach drop. Barney, it had to be about Barney. In her stressed out mind every bad thing that happened in the world was connected to Barney being sick. As she rushed backstage to call Ted on her cell phone a million horrible scenarios ran through her mind.
“What’s wrong?!” she asked the second he picked up the phone.
“Robin?” Ted asked sounding like he was on the verge of hysteria. “Please tell me that Barney’s with you.”
That was probably the last thing she had expected him to say.
“No, of course not. I’m at work. What on earth are you talking about?”
“He’s not here! I, uh… lost him.”
“What do you mean you lost him?”
“We had a fight. I went to my room for a few minutes to cool off and when I came back he was gone!”
Robin let out a sigh of relief. She had expected this to be some big medical emergency. But instead it was just Barney screwing with Ted by asserting his independence. It was almost funny.
“Ted, try and relax. I’m sure everything’s fine. It sounds like Barney just needed to cool off as well. He probably just went for a walk somewhere. Check MacLaren's and the other nearby shops. If he’s not back in an hour I’ll come and help you look for him.”
“An hour!” Ted shrieked. “An hour?! Do you have any idea what could happen to him in that amount of time? If he’s not back in thirty minutes I’m calling the police.”
She was wrong. Ted wasn’t on the verge of hysteria; he was already hysterical. Whatever that fight was about he must be feeling pretty guilty.
“Okay, dude, first of all he’s not a lost child. Secondly, he’s been having a really good day. Before going to the clinic we went out to eat together and I took him shopping for some classier lounge clothes. The whole time he seemed really healthy and energetic.”
“Which means that he’s probably exhausted by now!”
Robin sighed again, this time out of exasperation. “How long has he been gone?”
“About ten minutes.”
“Well he can’t have gone far. Why don’t you try running up and down the street screaming his name like a crazy person?” She resisted the urge to ask him in what universe did he think that Barney could have gotten across town to her work studio in that amount of time.
It was fun to tease Ted because he could get so intense about this sort of thing but as soon as she hung up the phone Robin began to worry. Even though Barney had an excellent day, he still got tired and short of breath when they were out shopping together. And he never voluntarily took a break, she always had to force him to sit down somewhere and rest. She shuddered to think what he’d be like on his own and angry.
With that in mind she decided to leave work early and return to the apartment to help Ted look for him.
.
Authors: jerseystrife , alixzin and I
Rating: mild M for some unpleasant adult themes
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Barney Stinson and his friends have all started to notice him avoiding them. When questions arise, Barney fights to keep his secrets and to keep the life he's grown comfortable with living.
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of us own either of the shows.
Note: A million thanks to roland44 for the beta.
Previous Chapters: One| Two| ThreeI Four| Five|
“Hey Barn,” Ted said sticking his head into the bathroom, “Would it be creepy if were to take a shower right now?”
“Go for it dude,” said Barney, not looking up from the stack of papers he was reading. “There is not yet a Bro Code article against such an occurrence as of yet.”
He was sitting on the bathroom floor right next to the toilet on a nest of pillows and blankets. Barney had bad nausea when he got back from the chemo clinic that he began camping out on the bathroom floor for an hour or two afterwards. He had started doing this on just his third day staying with them after failing to get to the toilet in time when he’d lost his balance and fallen over whilst rushing from the couch to the bathroom. Ted had tried several times to have him lie in bed with a bowl instead but Barney had refused since then one of them would have to clean up after him. So he and Robin did their best to make him as comfortable as possible on the floor and provided him with something to read.
“Bro Code article 151: a bro shall not shower while another bro is in the room puking.” said Ted with a grin as he stepped into the shower and threw his bathrobe over the curtain.
“With the possible amendment that it is allowed if the said bro is always puking in the bathroom in question.” Barney added in cheerfully. It never failed to amaze Ted how well he was able to take this situation in stride.
“So how’d it go with Robin taking you to the clinic today?” he asked loudly over the sound of the water running.
“It was good fun. We played Battleship the whole time I was on IV Cytarabine.”
“Yeah? Who won?”
“Neither, we both cheat. What’s the occasion for this mid-afternoon shower, anyway?”
“I’ve got a date! So Lily and Marshall are going to be hanging out with you tonight while Robin’s at work. Will that be-” He was interrupted by the sound of Barney retching. Ted winced, this sound a regular occurrence in this apartment, but he doubted he’ll ever get truly used to hearing it. “You okay?” Ted asked awkwardly once it appeared that Barney was done.
“M’awesome.”
“Anything come up that time?”
“Not much. I think I’m almost done. Will probably give it another fifteen minutes.”
“So… are you okay with Marshall and Lily hanging out with you tonight instead of me?”
“Sounds fantastic.” Barney answered, voice dripping in sarcasm.
“What’s wrong?”
“You got me a babysitter Ted! A babysitter! You actually think that I’m so pathetic and helpless that I can’t spend a few short hours alone.”
“Well, look, it’s not like that. I just thought you could use the company. Besides, if all goes well I’ll be out really late. I don’t like the idea of you being alone all night.”
“Oh that’s just great,” Barney snapped “Ted’s getting laid tonight while former sex god Barney Stinson can’t even sleep without having some mother hen watching over him!” Barney yelled and slammed on the toilet flusher and suddenly Ted was scorched in flaming hot water.
“Son of a bitch!” Ted screamed in fury as he grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist and jumped out of the shower. “You did that on purpose!”
“It was an accident.” Barney answered looking up at him wide-eyed, with a face of mock innocence before returning to his reading.
Ted was steaming both literally and figuratively as he marched over to the sink to rinse the remaining shampoo out of his hair.
“Are you reading internet porn?” he asked in a desperate attempt to lighten the hostile mood that had taken over the room.
“No,” Barney answered stiffly “This is an article from a medical journal one of the clinic nurses printed out for me. It’s the results of a clinical trial using All-Trans Retinoic Acid in pediatric cases of Acute Myeloid Leukemia.”
Ted gaped at him. “What?”
Barney sighed exasperatedly. “It’s about a possible new treatment for the type of cancer I have.”
“Can I take a look?” Ted asked, grabbing one of the pages and glancing briefly at it. “Barney this is all medical gibberish! There’s no way you can know what it's saying. No normal person could possibly understand this.”
“Well, clearly I’m not a normal person,” Barney said, not even looking up from his reading.
“What do you mean by that?”’
“By what?”
“Look Barney, we’ve all been wondering what’s been going on with you lately. You’re reading all these smartass books, you imply you know more about your condition than your doctors, you’re always kicking our butts at Trivial Pursuit even though you always lost a few months ago, you’re out-lawyering Marshall…This isn’t the Barney we’ve come to know and we can’t figure it out. We’ve all wanted to ask you this for a while now, only…” Ted suddenly stopped upon realizing he’d said too much.
“Only I’m too fragile to bring it up.” Barney finished bitterly. He stood up, swaying slightly and reaching for the sink for support.
Ted instinctively moved forward to help him but Barney jerked away from him.
“I’m fine Ted!” Barney screamed. “Stop treating me like I’m made of glass. I’m still a fully functioning adult, not a child! You guys are always treating me like I’ll die right on the spot at just the slightest pressure!”
“Well if you’re such a grown up then why don’t you have the balls to answer my question?!” Ted retorted.
“Because it doesn’t matter how I know this stuff, I just do. I always have, it’s not like it’s something that just magically appeared. Why is it so important to you anyway?”
“Because you’ve made it important!” Ted shouted “Because it’s a secret. Because you refuse to tell us what’s going on. Just like you didn’t tell us that you were sick. If it weren’t for the scotch incident we probably still wouldn’t know. And that really hurts! It makes us wonder what other bits of crucial information about yourself you’ve been withholding. And tell me something Barney, how can we possibly be friends if we can’t even trust you to be honest with us about yourself?!”
With that Ted stormed out to his bedroom to get dressed for his date. But with every second that passed he began to feel more and more guilty as he thought of the look on Barney’s face as he shouted that last bit at him. Now that he thought about it, he did rather look like someone who had just had their beloved puppy killed right in front of them.
But when Ted returned to the bathroom to apologize, Barney was gone.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Robin” her producer whispered to her in between filming. “Your friend Ted keeps on calling. He says it’s an emergency,”
She felt her stomach drop. Barney, it had to be about Barney. In her stressed out mind every bad thing that happened in the world was connected to Barney being sick. As she rushed backstage to call Ted on her cell phone a million horrible scenarios ran through her mind.
“What’s wrong?!” she asked the second he picked up the phone.
“Robin?” Ted asked sounding like he was on the verge of hysteria. “Please tell me that Barney’s with you.”
That was probably the last thing she had expected him to say.
“No, of course not. I’m at work. What on earth are you talking about?”
“He’s not here! I, uh… lost him.”
“What do you mean you lost him?”
“We had a fight. I went to my room for a few minutes to cool off and when I came back he was gone!”
Robin let out a sigh of relief. She had expected this to be some big medical emergency. But instead it was just Barney screwing with Ted by asserting his independence. It was almost funny.
“Ted, try and relax. I’m sure everything’s fine. It sounds like Barney just needed to cool off as well. He probably just went for a walk somewhere. Check MacLaren's and the other nearby shops. If he’s not back in an hour I’ll come and help you look for him.”
“An hour!” Ted shrieked. “An hour?! Do you have any idea what could happen to him in that amount of time? If he’s not back in thirty minutes I’m calling the police.”
She was wrong. Ted wasn’t on the verge of hysteria; he was already hysterical. Whatever that fight was about he must be feeling pretty guilty.
“Okay, dude, first of all he’s not a lost child. Secondly, he’s been having a really good day. Before going to the clinic we went out to eat together and I took him shopping for some classier lounge clothes. The whole time he seemed really healthy and energetic.”
“Which means that he’s probably exhausted by now!”
Robin sighed again, this time out of exasperation. “How long has he been gone?”
“About ten minutes.”
“Well he can’t have gone far. Why don’t you try running up and down the street screaming his name like a crazy person?” She resisted the urge to ask him in what universe did he think that Barney could have gotten across town to her work studio in that amount of time.
It was fun to tease Ted because he could get so intense about this sort of thing but as soon as she hung up the phone Robin began to worry. Even though Barney had an excellent day, he still got tired and short of breath when they were out shopping together. And he never voluntarily took a break, she always had to force him to sit down somewhere and rest. She shuddered to think what he’d be like on his own and angry.
With that in mind she decided to leave work early and return to the apartment to help Ted look for him.
.