Learning How to Live (4/22)
Learning How To Live
Authors: jerseystrife , idioticonion and alixzin
Rating: mild M for some unpleasant adult themes
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Barney Stinson and his friends have all started to notice him avoiding them. When questions arise, Barney fights to keep his secrets and to keep the life he's grown comfortable with living.
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of us own either of the shows.
Note: A million thanks to roland44 for the beta.
Previous Chapters: One| Two| Three
Chapter Four
There was no such thing as "private time" when you have cancer.
When he was younger, Doogie liked being around people who were constantly there to see him because they made him forget about what was going on for a while. They played games with him, made him cards, and surrounded him with other noisy children during the day. It was when he was left alone at night, his room dark with shadows on his wall with machine sounds beeping to lull him to sleep, that he realized he had to stay there for a very long time without his parents, and all the other kids were making fun of him for losing his hair.
As an adult, he hates the constant flow of people. There is always someone there to check on you, to poke you, to ask you stupid questions like "How are you feeling, Barney?", or to fluff your pillows to make themselves feel better because they were helping (and mothering). You always had someone waking you up in the middle of the night to take medication and to bother you when you were in the bathroom. It was annoying and frustrating. Books kept his mind active, it made time pass and he felt more productive which stopped him from going crazy from sitting in bed all day with no access to the internet.
In the hospital, there was never any time to have a moment to yourself because they needed to frequently check up on him. He understood why it was necessary because of the extreme nature of his leukemia, but that didn't meant he had to like getting woken at the usual 3am medicine call. The doctors and nurses never left him alone for long periods of time and nagged him at every moment to remind him of when he had to take his medication during the course of the day too. It was driving him insane. Even his friends never left him alone in his room and showed up at odd hours when they could.
It was Ted who caught him late at night in his room well after the usual visiting hours. He had been reading one of his more interesting physics books with a flashlight because it was easier to grab and hold than to attempt to hobble across his room to the light switch and not fall. Ted stopped at the door and stared at Barney who was propped up with several pillows and using his knees to hold the book up so he could use his hands to hold the flashlight.
"... Are you reading porn behind that?"
Barney cleared his throat, glancing up to Ted over the edge of his book. "Ted, when have I ever hid my passion for porn?"
"True."
Barney looked back down at his book, trying to ignore the fact he was caught reading something that wasn't porn. It was out of character for him to want to read outside the privacy of his apartment, to be that interested in something that he needed to know more about it at that moment. It was a flicker of passion that drove him to ask a nurse to pick up the book from the library because he had a question. He swore that his passion for learning had died years ago but here he was, a few hundred pages deep into a physics book because he had a question about something on TV and needed to know the answer.
Ted licked his lips and spoke quietly, "I just wanted to come by and tell you the doctors are willing to give you leave. You need to have someone around to watch you so they won't release you until you have someone."
Barney's fingers tightened on the book and the heart monitor machine beeped a little faster to the beat of his heart. He had to be constantly watched for the slightest change to his condition in case it worsened. To hear it coming from Ted, it sounded worse.
"You said James has Sam to watch and you don't want to bother him, and Lily and Marshall's apartment is too far from the hospital. I, uh, you know, you've always been there for me even when I didn't want you," Ted shifted his eyes away from him, his hand coming up to tangle in the hair on the back of his head. "But I told the doctors that I have an extra room and a place nearby. It's only if you want to."
He always forcefully protested that Ted was his best friend, but this was different. Ted was offering to basically be his medical babysitter for the remainder of whatever time he had left and it would probably kill whatever sex life Ted pretended to have. No words could explain how terrifying it was to know that there was very little Barney could do but relinquish his control over his own life and accept and burden Ted with that job instead.
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June, 2008
By the time Ted and Robin came to take Barney down to the cab he had been waiting for over an hour. They had told him they’d be picking him up at three but had been pulled aside by his oncologist to discuss his medication, warning signs to watch for, bringing him in for treatment and the importance of proper nutrition and rest.
So by the time they came to fetch him they were both reeling from the knowledge of the full time job they had just taken on.
“About time.” Barney grumbled but couldn’t help beaming at them. He would never admit it but they could tell he was ecstatic to be leaving the hospital. Barney was wearing the same suit he was in the day he was brought in, minus the jacket that got ruined on the bathroom floor, and had clearly put a lot of effort into gelling his hair for the occasion.
“Your chariot sir.” Robin grinned pushing the wheelchair over to the bed where he sat.
“I can walk.”
“No way dude- its hospital policy. Besides we’ve been looking forward to wheeling you around,”
“Oh, very well.” he climbed in and they began wheeling him to the elevator
“Did you get my stuff from my apartment?”
“Yup!”
"You didn't mess with my storm trooper did you?" he asked anxiously
"No dude, I didn't touch your precious storm trooper."
“Good... So did you find the books okay?”
“I did,” Ted smirked “You’re a very interesting person Barney. Most guys hide their porn behind their intellectual books, not the other way around.”
“Can’t have the ladies think I’m the type of person to settle down with. Did you get my suits as well?”
Silence.
“Ted?!”
“It’s just not practical Barney. We’ve got no room to store them and there’s no point in wearing uncomfortable suits that are too big for you when you’ll just be lounging around the apartment all day. So yesterday I went out and got you some sweatpants and tees.”
Barney was silent for a long time. They hoped the news hadn’t just caused him to have a stroke.
“Ted, you’re killing the Barnacle.” he finally whispered once they made it outside to the waiting cab.
“Tell you what,” Robin grinned as she helped him inside. “If you can gain back the fifteen pounds you lost this month I’ll let you keep all your suits in my room.”
“Not fair.” Barney pouted.
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Once they reached the building Barney threw a fit and downright insisted that they take the stairs rather than the elevator. And there was no way in hell he was letting either of them help him up.
He was embarrassingly slow going and by the time he had reached the second floor he was short of breath and holding onto the railing for support.
“Barney, you’ve been limping.” Robin noted with concern.
“Sore joints.” he mumbled. Actually all the bones in his legs felt like they were on fire, but he was not about to admit that. “Arthritis five!”
Robin gave it to him but her face twisted with worry. “We should take the elevator the rest of the way.”
For just one more flight of stairs. That was just too pathetic for words.
“No, please let me do this. It’s a pride thing.”
But he had barely made it halfway up when he got lightheaded and collapsed to the ground. Angrily Barney banged his head against the wall. He’d likely have giant bruise the next day but right now he didn’t care.
“Barney?” Robin asked worriedly squatting down next to him and rubbing his back. He hated that; Robin was never maternal or nurturing in any way. The fact that she was acting so out of character with him really brought home just how bad off he was.
As Barney sat on the stairway with Robin trying to regain his footing with reality he hadn’t even noticed that Ted had left until he returned with Marshall in tow. He wondered what he was doing here in the first place.
“All right man, I’m going to carry you the rest of the way.”
Crap. Now it didn’t matter where Marshall came from anymore, all that mattered was what he wanted to do. Being carried was simply unacceptable. If he had to move in with friends so he could be taken care of he was going to start things off with a little dignity.
“Not going to happen,” he informed them through gritted teeth. “I’d rather crawl up than get carried.”
“Come on Barney, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
“No, Ted!” He had a feeling he’d be using that phrase a lot in the upcoming weeks.
“Hey, I have an idea,” Marshall declared suddenly, “In college we used to have these frat contests where we’d have piggy back ride races up the stairs. Why don’t we do that?”
Barney knew when he was being conned. He wasn’t a genius for nothing plus while working in pediatrics turning something unpleasant into a game was the oldest trick in the book to get a kid to corporate. Marshall must have picked it up from visiting Lily’s kindergarten class. Still he couldn’t help but grin. When he was in college he had been so young he had missed out on the crazy stupidity of student life. So when Doogie’s friends started going at the regular age he had been obscenely jealous. Maybe that was why he tended to act so insanely and childishly as an adult.
“Will we be racing against Ted and Robin?”
“Hold the phone here. There is no way I’m riding on Ted’s back. He’ll drop me,” Robin yelped.
“Then I won’t do it either,” Barney said with a laugh knowing he was going to get his way. Grumbling Robin helped Barney climb onto Marshall’s back before moving over to whisper something to Ted.
“Bet you fifty bucks we beat you guys to the top.”
“Deal,” Robin said and suddenly she and Ted began racing up the stairs, just running normally and not the least attached in the hot way he was hoping for.
“What?! They’re cheating!” Barney howled. “You tricked me!” he kicked Marshall hard in the shins but he still wouldn’t put him down even when they reached the top of the stairs.
With a pissed Barney still on his back Marshall flung open the door to the apartment.
Ted, Lily and Robin were all standing around a large pile of presents. All of them were wearing party hats and Lily was holding a homemade cake that read; “Welcome Home! (And get well soon)”
“We have to celebrate you getting out of the hospital, dude.” Marshall said cheerily as he finally let him down.
They even had up the intervention banner. “It’s for your cancer,” Lily informed him “We’re holding an intervention to make it go away.” The whole thing was painfully corny. His friends were such dorks.
Still as they all ate cake and ice cream for dinner. Barney was so touched by his friend’s devotion and sweetness he was fighting back tears. Even though most of the presents turned out to be lame lounge clothes he wouldn’t normally be caught dead in.
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Marshall and Lily stayed until almost nine at night. Normally they would have been longer but Ted was anxious about getting Barney to bed at a reasonable hour and had shooed them out.
Now he and Robin were cleaning up the mess they left from the party as Barney took a shower.
“You still all right in there?” he called out knocking lightly on the door he had insisted on leaving ajar.
“Yes Theodore! I was two minutes ago and I still am. Just give me one more minute and I’ll be out.”
Reassured Ted went into his bedroom that he was giving to Barney (he was going to sleep on the couch) to double check that the bed had enough blankets and to leave a glass of water and Barney’s pills on the bedside table.
“All right Ted I’m out!” he heard Barney shout. “Looks like I didn’t drown or slip on a bar of soup and break my neck this time. I think I’m going to try out one of those horrific pajama’s you got for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m making a habit-”
He was interrupted by a sudden scream from Robin.
Ted raced out into the living room in a panic. The first thing he saw was Robin who was white as a sheet and looking like she’d just seen a ghost. Then he glanced at Barney who had a perplexed smirk on his face. He was dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist, and he had a tube sticking out of his chest. Barney had a tube coming out of his chest.
Feeling slightly lightheaded Ted gripped the back of the chair for support and got a closer look. It was a thin, white and rubbery thing with one end coming out from just under his collarbone and the other two inches hanging limply against his torso.
“Barney… what is that thing?” he asked weakly.
“Oh this?” Barney said nonchalantly giving it a flick with his finger “It’s my central line catheter. Had it installed almost a month ago. It’s quite handy.”
“Wh-what exactly does it do?”
“Saves me a lot of trouble. It’s inserted in my major bronchial artery. Every time I need a blood test they just take it out of this thing. Every time I need an injection or IV it goes right into here. It spares me a lot of pokes and saves my little veins from the poisonous chemo.”
“Is it permanent?” Robin squeaked with her face hidden behind her hands. She’s always hated needles of any kind.
“It can stay in for about a year.” Barney said grabbing another towel and rubbing down his wet hair “But it will have to come out sooner or later. Any more annoying questions?”
“Yeah, how do you shower with that? I mean- is it safe to get it wet?”
“Thanks to the wonders of gauze, tape and saran wrap it’s not a problem.” Barney shrugged
“It looks like a snake coming out you.” Robin whispered peeking at it through her fingers.
With a grin Barney picked it up and wriggled it at her while making a hissing sound. Robin shrieked and ran across to the other side of the room.
Roaring with laughter Barney sat down at the table, still wet and wearing nothing save a towel, and began drawing a snake face on it with black sharpie.
“Barney,” Ted said sternly “It’s getting late. You should get dressed and then get to bed. It’s been a long day for you.”
“Okay, Daddy.” Barney said with a good-natured eye roll before bouncing off to the bedroom, still snickering at the snake joke.
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Barney couldn’t sleep. Even if it wasn’t far too early and he couldn’t hear Ted and Robin whispering to each other in the next room sleep still wouldn’t be happening. Barney could never sleep well in a strange place, and even though this apartment had become his second home over the years the concept was still the same.
Any type of new situation such as this stressed him out; he didn’t like feeling like he wasn’t in control. And to say he wasn’t in control here was an understatement. His cancer was in control, his doctors were in control, his friends were in control, but not Barney. Right now even Doogie was more in control of Barney’s life than Barney.
He was further stressed by his attempts to stay perky and cheerful for his friend’s sake. Even when he was humiliated on the stairs or by his central line. Even when he wanted to punch Ted’s lights out when he tried to tuck him into bed. Even when he felt like shit. He was used to always putting on an act, he wasn’t sure if he’d know how to do otherwise anymore, so why was this suddenly so hard?
Once he heard Ted and Robin finally turn in for the night he slowly slipped out of bed. As quietly as he could he began wandering around Ted’s bedroom, carefully touching and familiarizing himself with every item in the room. There was something strangely.
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1996
The apartment was filled with television sounds to get rid of the quiet atmosphere that had taken over. Doogie didn't mind the quiet but James had problems when the world was too quiet. He mentioned that when it was too quiet he would think about Barney and what had happened, and then he would think about what he could have done to prevent it. His mind would go through the same cycle. James told him that he had his brother in the back of his mind for the last few months. It seemed that when the urge struck, he would talk about him to the only one who would listen; the stranger staying with him.
Doogie wandered over to the table full of pictures. All the pictures were of James' family but the most prominent pictures were of Barney. There were even a picture of Jackie and Barney hugging but the frame was cracked. He wondered how many times it had been thrown into the wall. He picked it up, noticing Jackie was attractive, but had that air about her in the picture that reminded him too much of the air headed girls that used to be attracted to him when he was famous.
"She wasn't good enough for him," James muttered. Startled, Doogie jumped, dropping the picture. He thought James was still sleeping. "She made all those empty promises and then left him broken. He was just a kid."
Doogie shrugged.
James glanced at him then walked over. He picked up the picture and pushed the cracked frame back together before setting it down properly."Sometimes I feel like I didn't do enough, I didn't react fast enough, I didn't notice the signs, I could have fixed him." His knuckles were turning white as he gripped the frame of the picture. "I could have saved him."
James sucked in a breath. He turned to face Doogie, his face troubled and his eyes were watering, but no tears fell.
"But I found you. I reacted."
Authors: jerseystrife , idioticonion and alixzin
Rating: mild M for some unpleasant adult themes
Summary: Something is terribly wrong with Barney Stinson and his friends have all started to notice him avoiding them. When questions arise, Barney fights to keep his secrets and to keep the life he's grown comfortable with living.
Disclaimer: Sadly, none of us own either of the shows.
Note: A million thanks to roland44 for the beta.
Previous Chapters: One| Two| Three
Chapter Four
There was no such thing as "private time" when you have cancer.
When he was younger, Doogie liked being around people who were constantly there to see him because they made him forget about what was going on for a while. They played games with him, made him cards, and surrounded him with other noisy children during the day. It was when he was left alone at night, his room dark with shadows on his wall with machine sounds beeping to lull him to sleep, that he realized he had to stay there for a very long time without his parents, and all the other kids were making fun of him for losing his hair.
As an adult, he hates the constant flow of people. There is always someone there to check on you, to poke you, to ask you stupid questions like "How are you feeling, Barney?", or to fluff your pillows to make themselves feel better because they were helping (and mothering). You always had someone waking you up in the middle of the night to take medication and to bother you when you were in the bathroom. It was annoying and frustrating. Books kept his mind active, it made time pass and he felt more productive which stopped him from going crazy from sitting in bed all day with no access to the internet.
In the hospital, there was never any time to have a moment to yourself because they needed to frequently check up on him. He understood why it was necessary because of the extreme nature of his leukemia, but that didn't meant he had to like getting woken at the usual 3am medicine call. The doctors and nurses never left him alone for long periods of time and nagged him at every moment to remind him of when he had to take his medication during the course of the day too. It was driving him insane. Even his friends never left him alone in his room and showed up at odd hours when they could.
It was Ted who caught him late at night in his room well after the usual visiting hours. He had been reading one of his more interesting physics books with a flashlight because it was easier to grab and hold than to attempt to hobble across his room to the light switch and not fall. Ted stopped at the door and stared at Barney who was propped up with several pillows and using his knees to hold the book up so he could use his hands to hold the flashlight.
"... Are you reading porn behind that?"
Barney cleared his throat, glancing up to Ted over the edge of his book. "Ted, when have I ever hid my passion for porn?"
"True."
Barney looked back down at his book, trying to ignore the fact he was caught reading something that wasn't porn. It was out of character for him to want to read outside the privacy of his apartment, to be that interested in something that he needed to know more about it at that moment. It was a flicker of passion that drove him to ask a nurse to pick up the book from the library because he had a question. He swore that his passion for learning had died years ago but here he was, a few hundred pages deep into a physics book because he had a question about something on TV and needed to know the answer.
Ted licked his lips and spoke quietly, "I just wanted to come by and tell you the doctors are willing to give you leave. You need to have someone around to watch you so they won't release you until you have someone."
Barney's fingers tightened on the book and the heart monitor machine beeped a little faster to the beat of his heart. He had to be constantly watched for the slightest change to his condition in case it worsened. To hear it coming from Ted, it sounded worse.
"You said James has Sam to watch and you don't want to bother him, and Lily and Marshall's apartment is too far from the hospital. I, uh, you know, you've always been there for me even when I didn't want you," Ted shifted his eyes away from him, his hand coming up to tangle in the hair on the back of his head. "But I told the doctors that I have an extra room and a place nearby. It's only if you want to."
He always forcefully protested that Ted was his best friend, but this was different. Ted was offering to basically be his medical babysitter for the remainder of whatever time he had left and it would probably kill whatever sex life Ted pretended to have. No words could explain how terrifying it was to know that there was very little Barney could do but relinquish his control over his own life and accept and burden Ted with that job instead.
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June, 2008
By the time Ted and Robin came to take Barney down to the cab he had been waiting for over an hour. They had told him they’d be picking him up at three but had been pulled aside by his oncologist to discuss his medication, warning signs to watch for, bringing him in for treatment and the importance of proper nutrition and rest.
So by the time they came to fetch him they were both reeling from the knowledge of the full time job they had just taken on.
“About time.” Barney grumbled but couldn’t help beaming at them. He would never admit it but they could tell he was ecstatic to be leaving the hospital. Barney was wearing the same suit he was in the day he was brought in, minus the jacket that got ruined on the bathroom floor, and had clearly put a lot of effort into gelling his hair for the occasion.
“Your chariot sir.” Robin grinned pushing the wheelchair over to the bed where he sat.
“I can walk.”
“No way dude- its hospital policy. Besides we’ve been looking forward to wheeling you around,”
“Oh, very well.” he climbed in and they began wheeling him to the elevator
“Did you get my stuff from my apartment?”
“Yup!”
"You didn't mess with my storm trooper did you?" he asked anxiously
"No dude, I didn't touch your precious storm trooper."
“Good... So did you find the books okay?”
“I did,” Ted smirked “You’re a very interesting person Barney. Most guys hide their porn behind their intellectual books, not the other way around.”
“Can’t have the ladies think I’m the type of person to settle down with. Did you get my suits as well?”
Silence.
“Ted?!”
“It’s just not practical Barney. We’ve got no room to store them and there’s no point in wearing uncomfortable suits that are too big for you when you’ll just be lounging around the apartment all day. So yesterday I went out and got you some sweatpants and tees.”
Barney was silent for a long time. They hoped the news hadn’t just caused him to have a stroke.
“Ted, you’re killing the Barnacle.” he finally whispered once they made it outside to the waiting cab.
“Tell you what,” Robin grinned as she helped him inside. “If you can gain back the fifteen pounds you lost this month I’ll let you keep all your suits in my room.”
“Not fair.” Barney pouted.
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Once they reached the building Barney threw a fit and downright insisted that they take the stairs rather than the elevator. And there was no way in hell he was letting either of them help him up.
He was embarrassingly slow going and by the time he had reached the second floor he was short of breath and holding onto the railing for support.
“Barney, you’ve been limping.” Robin noted with concern.
“Sore joints.” he mumbled. Actually all the bones in his legs felt like they were on fire, but he was not about to admit that. “Arthritis five!”
Robin gave it to him but her face twisted with worry. “We should take the elevator the rest of the way.”
For just one more flight of stairs. That was just too pathetic for words.
“No, please let me do this. It’s a pride thing.”
But he had barely made it halfway up when he got lightheaded and collapsed to the ground. Angrily Barney banged his head against the wall. He’d likely have giant bruise the next day but right now he didn’t care.
“Barney?” Robin asked worriedly squatting down next to him and rubbing his back. He hated that; Robin was never maternal or nurturing in any way. The fact that she was acting so out of character with him really brought home just how bad off he was.
As Barney sat on the stairway with Robin trying to regain his footing with reality he hadn’t even noticed that Ted had left until he returned with Marshall in tow. He wondered what he was doing here in the first place.
“All right man, I’m going to carry you the rest of the way.”
Crap. Now it didn’t matter where Marshall came from anymore, all that mattered was what he wanted to do. Being carried was simply unacceptable. If he had to move in with friends so he could be taken care of he was going to start things off with a little dignity.
“Not going to happen,” he informed them through gritted teeth. “I’d rather crawl up than get carried.”
“Come on Barney, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
“No, Ted!” He had a feeling he’d be using that phrase a lot in the upcoming weeks.
“Hey, I have an idea,” Marshall declared suddenly, “In college we used to have these frat contests where we’d have piggy back ride races up the stairs. Why don’t we do that?”
Barney knew when he was being conned. He wasn’t a genius for nothing plus while working in pediatrics turning something unpleasant into a game was the oldest trick in the book to get a kid to corporate. Marshall must have picked it up from visiting Lily’s kindergarten class. Still he couldn’t help but grin. When he was in college he had been so young he had missed out on the crazy stupidity of student life. So when Doogie’s friends started going at the regular age he had been obscenely jealous. Maybe that was why he tended to act so insanely and childishly as an adult.
“Will we be racing against Ted and Robin?”
“Hold the phone here. There is no way I’m riding on Ted’s back. He’ll drop me,” Robin yelped.
“Then I won’t do it either,” Barney said with a laugh knowing he was going to get his way. Grumbling Robin helped Barney climb onto Marshall’s back before moving over to whisper something to Ted.
“Bet you fifty bucks we beat you guys to the top.”
“Deal,” Robin said and suddenly she and Ted began racing up the stairs, just running normally and not the least attached in the hot way he was hoping for.
“What?! They’re cheating!” Barney howled. “You tricked me!” he kicked Marshall hard in the shins but he still wouldn’t put him down even when they reached the top of the stairs.
With a pissed Barney still on his back Marshall flung open the door to the apartment.
Ted, Lily and Robin were all standing around a large pile of presents. All of them were wearing party hats and Lily was holding a homemade cake that read; “Welcome Home! (And get well soon)”
“We have to celebrate you getting out of the hospital, dude.” Marshall said cheerily as he finally let him down.
They even had up the intervention banner. “It’s for your cancer,” Lily informed him “We’re holding an intervention to make it go away.” The whole thing was painfully corny. His friends were such dorks.
Still as they all ate cake and ice cream for dinner. Barney was so touched by his friend’s devotion and sweetness he was fighting back tears. Even though most of the presents turned out to be lame lounge clothes he wouldn’t normally be caught dead in.
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Marshall and Lily stayed until almost nine at night. Normally they would have been longer but Ted was anxious about getting Barney to bed at a reasonable hour and had shooed them out.
Now he and Robin were cleaning up the mess they left from the party as Barney took a shower.
“You still all right in there?” he called out knocking lightly on the door he had insisted on leaving ajar.
“Yes Theodore! I was two minutes ago and I still am. Just give me one more minute and I’ll be out.”
Reassured Ted went into his bedroom that he was giving to Barney (he was going to sleep on the couch) to double check that the bed had enough blankets and to leave a glass of water and Barney’s pills on the bedside table.
“All right Ted I’m out!” he heard Barney shout. “Looks like I didn’t drown or slip on a bar of soup and break my neck this time. I think I’m going to try out one of those horrific pajama’s you got for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m making a habit-”
He was interrupted by a sudden scream from Robin.
Ted raced out into the living room in a panic. The first thing he saw was Robin who was white as a sheet and looking like she’d just seen a ghost. Then he glanced at Barney who had a perplexed smirk on his face. He was dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist, and he had a tube sticking out of his chest. Barney had a tube coming out of his chest.
Feeling slightly lightheaded Ted gripped the back of the chair for support and got a closer look. It was a thin, white and rubbery thing with one end coming out from just under his collarbone and the other two inches hanging limply against his torso.
“Barney… what is that thing?” he asked weakly.
“Oh this?” Barney said nonchalantly giving it a flick with his finger “It’s my central line catheter. Had it installed almost a month ago. It’s quite handy.”
“Wh-what exactly does it do?”
“Saves me a lot of trouble. It’s inserted in my major bronchial artery. Every time I need a blood test they just take it out of this thing. Every time I need an injection or IV it goes right into here. It spares me a lot of pokes and saves my little veins from the poisonous chemo.”
“Is it permanent?” Robin squeaked with her face hidden behind her hands. She’s always hated needles of any kind.
“It can stay in for about a year.” Barney said grabbing another towel and rubbing down his wet hair “But it will have to come out sooner or later. Any more annoying questions?”
“Yeah, how do you shower with that? I mean- is it safe to get it wet?”
“Thanks to the wonders of gauze, tape and saran wrap it’s not a problem.” Barney shrugged
“It looks like a snake coming out you.” Robin whispered peeking at it through her fingers.
With a grin Barney picked it up and wriggled it at her while making a hissing sound. Robin shrieked and ran across to the other side of the room.
Roaring with laughter Barney sat down at the table, still wet and wearing nothing save a towel, and began drawing a snake face on it with black sharpie.
“Barney,” Ted said sternly “It’s getting late. You should get dressed and then get to bed. It’s been a long day for you.”
“Okay, Daddy.” Barney said with a good-natured eye roll before bouncing off to the bedroom, still snickering at the snake joke.
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Barney couldn’t sleep. Even if it wasn’t far too early and he couldn’t hear Ted and Robin whispering to each other in the next room sleep still wouldn’t be happening. Barney could never sleep well in a strange place, and even though this apartment had become his second home over the years the concept was still the same.
Any type of new situation such as this stressed him out; he didn’t like feeling like he wasn’t in control. And to say he wasn’t in control here was an understatement. His cancer was in control, his doctors were in control, his friends were in control, but not Barney. Right now even Doogie was more in control of Barney’s life than Barney.
He was further stressed by his attempts to stay perky and cheerful for his friend’s sake. Even when he was humiliated on the stairs or by his central line. Even when he wanted to punch Ted’s lights out when he tried to tuck him into bed. Even when he felt like shit. He was used to always putting on an act, he wasn’t sure if he’d know how to do otherwise anymore, so why was this suddenly so hard?
Once he heard Ted and Robin finally turn in for the night he slowly slipped out of bed. As quietly as he could he began wandering around Ted’s bedroom, carefully touching and familiarizing himself with every item in the room. There was something strangely.
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1996
The apartment was filled with television sounds to get rid of the quiet atmosphere that had taken over. Doogie didn't mind the quiet but James had problems when the world was too quiet. He mentioned that when it was too quiet he would think about Barney and what had happened, and then he would think about what he could have done to prevent it. His mind would go through the same cycle. James told him that he had his brother in the back of his mind for the last few months. It seemed that when the urge struck, he would talk about him to the only one who would listen; the stranger staying with him.
Doogie wandered over to the table full of pictures. All the pictures were of James' family but the most prominent pictures were of Barney. There were even a picture of Jackie and Barney hugging but the frame was cracked. He wondered how many times it had been thrown into the wall. He picked it up, noticing Jackie was attractive, but had that air about her in the picture that reminded him too much of the air headed girls that used to be attracted to him when he was famous.
"She wasn't good enough for him," James muttered. Startled, Doogie jumped, dropping the picture. He thought James was still sleeping. "She made all those empty promises and then left him broken. He was just a kid."
Doogie shrugged.
James glanced at him then walked over. He picked up the picture and pushed the cracked frame back together before setting it down properly."Sometimes I feel like I didn't do enough, I didn't react fast enough, I didn't notice the signs, I could have fixed him." His knuckles were turning white as he gripped the frame of the picture. "I could have saved him."
James sucked in a breath. He turned to face Doogie, his face troubled and his eyes were watering, but no tears fell.
"But I found you. I reacted."