I'll get grammar out of the way in one fell swoop: I immediately noticed fewer comma misuses but you still use them too much. Also, you use a dash or a comma in places better suited to a semi-colon.
That out of the way.
which reach me in the sunken climate of my mind.
Here is where 'which' actually should be 'that'. Also, 'sunken' isn't exactly a climate in the states (sunken = lowered and climate = weather) so while I believe I understand what you're trying to get across, it requires me to 'make it up' so to speak. Do these words have different meanings/uses in the UK?
revolve around millstones that may or may not move something in the nether depths
This is lacking a specifier and 'something' doesn't cut it. Surrounded by such descriptions, 'something' is out of place. I'm not suggesting you identify it, necessarily, but can you find a better way of saying 'something'? A metaphor/simile, perhaps?
each sealed with the heat like rosebuds blooming inwards within me.
Look, Ms Faeway, I've decided that you're a psychic who understands my writing to a level that no-one else can. While you may have inferred what I was talking about with "The Human Abstract", others less gifted than yourself may have summarised that it's just some bloke in hell, see? Secondly, I'm referencing Blake
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The things I say are how I respond to them. I don't know anything and everything but I reply with what my understanding is so that you know how some people are seeing it. Once you realize that people reading it may not get it exactly as you intended it, things will be fine.
Obviously I don't get everything you intend and that is the point of critique, is it not? To improve what you're saying so the intention is reflected in the reader?
I did some further thinking on the 'sunken climate' and find that in this piece, with the imagery you've been using, it fits well. (the definition you used is not one I've heard. That could be my lack of knowledge of the word or a dialectical disagreement between countries. I made a comment based on what I knew, not what you meant.)
this bloke doesn't have your psychic powers and doesn't KNOW what's going on in the depths,I don't know what's going on, either, but 'something' detracts itself when surrounded by such beautiful prose as the rosebuds sentence
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When you say you were going to refrain from commenting on another of my pieces, aren't you essentially saying that you expected the rest of my pieces to be crap
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Just so that you know my position, I am not a fan of religiously themed pieces but I thought you handled this quite well. Because I am not well versed in the subject matter, I may have missed many of the more subtle meanings you are conveying
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after further reading, you can ignore my sunken climate comment. i can see how and why you've used it however it's probably still of note that two critiquers misinterpreted it on first reading.
Well, I'm an atheist myself but since the Bible could be subtitled, "My Big Book of Potent Symbolism", I do find myself doing "religious pieces" sometimes. The subject matter is actually Blake's "The Human Abstract
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Editing can be so destructive that way - when the original 'voice' of a piece can be destroyed. Sometimes it takes a complete (or several) re-writes keeping the edit in mind to save it. I've had this problem - especially with my 'novel' as my writing has changed considerably since I've started. It got to the point where I had to go back the beginning and re-write from scratch.
I haven't read Blake's, 'The Human Abstract' but I'm a fan of what I've read of his so I might hunt it out.
Comments 9
That out of the way.
which reach me in the sunken climate of my mind.
Here is where 'which' actually should be 'that'. Also, 'sunken' isn't exactly a climate in the states (sunken = lowered and climate = weather) so while I believe I understand what you're trying to get across, it requires me to 'make it up' so to speak. Do these words have different meanings/uses in the UK?
revolve around millstones that may or may not move something in the nether depths
This is lacking a specifier and 'something' doesn't cut it. Surrounded by such descriptions, 'something' is out of place. I'm not suggesting you identify it, necessarily, but can you find a better way of saying 'something'? A metaphor/simile, perhaps?
each sealed with the heat like rosebuds blooming inwards within me.
This is what I'm talking about.
torn from his skeletal ( ... )
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The things I say are how I respond to them. I don't know anything and everything but I reply with what my understanding is so that you know how some people are seeing it. Once you realize that people reading it may not get it exactly as you intended it, things will be fine.
Obviously I don't get everything you intend and that is the point of critique, is it not? To improve what you're saying so the intention is reflected in the reader?
I did some further thinking on the 'sunken climate' and find that in this piece, with the imagery you've been using, it fits well. (the definition you used is not one I've heard. That could be my lack of knowledge of the word or a dialectical disagreement between countries. I made a comment based on what I knew, not what you meant.)
this bloke doesn't have your psychic powers and doesn't KNOW what's going on in the depths,I don't know what's going on, either, but 'something' detracts itself when surrounded by such beautiful prose as the rosebuds sentence ( ... )
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I haven't read Blake's, 'The Human Abstract' but I'm a fan of what I've read of his so I might hunt it out.
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