I liked the premise, but you can't write sentences*. When you do, you are prone to overwriting**. You make a lot of basic mistakes***, enough to make me think that English perhaps isn't your first language. However, it now seems to me that most people apply to this community only in order to get in, whereas the real task lies in staying. You can write to a certain level, and if you're willing to improve yourself, you could add a lot to this community - particularly with your critiquing, which I was impressed with.
* = "But friend Fish, though you present no threat to me, you misjudge when you label me friend to you, for I am a great threat upon your body"
** = "If I scale those solid weeds that kiss its face, may I bathe in the glory of Sky and swim away into its blue perfection?”
I admit, I was more impressed with your critique (detailed, thoughtful and offering suggestions and reasons for each point you brought up) than I was with your writing sample. Don't get me wrong, the writing wasn't *bad*, I just got the feeling that it wasn't your best. I do think you're overwriting here, which can definitely be improved, especially if you make it into loveletters. (Believe me, it's a problem I share.) Anyway, can you give me another sample? A poem, maybe, or a prose piece that doesn't have so lofty a theme so's to make the overwriting feel almost necessary to the author?
Reading this as well as your other excerpt makes me think that you need to mature a bit more as a writer. Maybe lurk for a while, and then apply again? Keep an eye on weekly posts and the critiques they're given, and apply that to your own work (if you don't get in, I mean.)
Some quick reasons before I have to go: you have a lot of small punctuation and syntactical mistakes (unneeded commas, 'your' instead of 'you're', things like that), which just makes things a little harder to read. Your ideas are good and interesting, but in the second excerpt, you fell short of actual emotion. Your descriptions don't hit home, and the dialogue doesn't fit the scene. If you get in, then I'm sure being around here will improve that kind of thing. If not, then I hope you do stick around, work on your writing a little, and apply again. :)
i loved your critique. it was clear, concise, and you made excellent points.
i'm not fond of fables, and i do agree with cerchilaverita when she says they almost necessitate overwriting. and unless you write only fables i don't think they're the right thing to apply to a community like this with.
like others have said, i felt the premise of Predictable was very interesting, however it was bizarrely lacking in emotion and there was a lot of talk and questioning from michael when i feel survival instinct would have kicked in. the dialogue also felt stilted for that reason. i did like the 'time for stabbing' part though.
It was brave to post a fable - and for this reason I am going to vote, 'yes'. You can write - and while there are a few lines that don't gel and perhaps a word choice or two that could be looked at, it was a good piece of writing. Yes, it was slightly overwritten - but it's a fable... as cerchilaverita said, it is part of that particular writing style.
Any community needs a variety in it and your writing is certainly very different to the others in this community. I particularly liked your choice of topic - it was interesting. You also had a well rounded piece with a beginning, middle, anti-climax and clever end - no mean feat in a short story!
I would also like to see another piece of your work, but that's only because I generally like to see more than one style before voting.
Comments 10
Reply
* = "But friend Fish, though you present no threat to me, you misjudge when you label me friend to you, for I am a great threat upon your body"
** = "If I scale those solid weeds that kiss its face, may I bathe in the glory of Sky and swim away into its blue perfection?”
*** = "only of six inches from nose to tail."
Reply
Reply
Some quick reasons before I have to go: you have a lot of small punctuation and syntactical mistakes (unneeded commas, 'your' instead of 'you're', things like that), which just makes things a little harder to read. Your ideas are good and interesting, but in the second excerpt, you fell short of actual emotion. Your descriptions don't hit home, and the dialogue doesn't fit the scene. If you get in, then I'm sure being around here will improve that kind of thing. If not, then I hope you do stick around, work on your writing a little, and apply again. :)
Reply
i'm not fond of fables, and i do agree with cerchilaverita when she says they almost necessitate overwriting. and unless you write only fables i don't think they're the right thing to apply to a community like this with.
got anything else?
Reply
Reply
It was brave to post a fable - and for this reason I am going to vote, 'yes'. You can write - and while there are a few lines that don't gel and perhaps a word choice or two that could be looked at, it was a good piece of writing. Yes, it was slightly overwritten - but it's a fable... as cerchilaverita said, it is part of that particular writing style.
Any community needs a variety in it and your writing is certainly very different to the others in this community. I particularly liked your choice of topic - it was interesting. You also had a well rounded piece with a beginning, middle, anti-climax and clever end - no mean feat in a short story!
I would also like to see another piece of your work, but that's only because I generally like to see more than one style before voting.
Best of luck to you,
ellymelly
Reply
Leave a comment