New Voice
Application, sorry if I didn't follow the rules. I tried...
Name/Pseudonym:QuaintGerontion
Critiquing skills
Choose one piece of work from the application of an accepted member or mod and give constructive feedback on it. You may find the 'accepted' tag on the right-hand side of the community page helpful. Let us know which piece you're critiquing.
A critique of the_98th_cent's Untitled post:
Okay, the opening line is too ambiguous. You're the writer "perhaps the second time in a week?" You know excatly how long it's been. I was willing to play along with the unsure narrator aspect, up until the third sentance where you state exactly how far beneath the girl the matress is ("Six inches"). By mixing the ambiguous narrator with such an exact statistic confuses your narration's voice and level of accuracy, involvement, and knowledge. The perhaps line is good, very emotionally detached from an emotional situation. Keep up the cold, impersonal feel throughout and it will enhance the voice. Like when the narrator knows sooooo much about the girls future. That's too specific for a narration who only knew "perhaps" at the begninning/ Pick a style/narrator and run with it. Easy fix: cut the first line. Harder and more worthwhile fix: implant that same tone throughout the story.
The second to last paragraph, beginning "The writer," hits the reader and makes them stop and think, just not in the way I would want. It was confusing. I stopped, went back a paragraph or two, and couldn't figure out who this writer character was. A twist like this should make me unable to stop reading abd force me to continue on. Rather, this twist made me stop and think that you had left a sentance or paragraph out just before that line.
The line "rose like a light from his writing" is very dramatic and poetic. And that's where it belongs, in a poem. All I get from it is that the writer stood up. Whether or not you think me inferior for not getting the simile, I just don't think it adds anything to the writer character. The landscape and spiral imagery, along with the dolphin image were beautiful. A simpler description of the manner in which he rose would be fine, you don't need to add anymore imagery.
I know it's a piece about writing and artistic expression in general, but I think the two stories (that of the girl and her parents) needs to be connected more. The second part about the parents should have a more direct implication to the first. We get that they are neglectful, you told us that earlier. Show us how that neglect changes and motivates the characters. Going further into the stimuli does not make it a reaction. And that's all stories are: stimulus and reaction. Connect the two, even minutely, and they will be more effective.
The final sentence is a peculiar and pithy observation. But you spell it out to us. SHOW DON'T TELL! The writer realizes that, show through an action of his.
Writing sample
Post 1-5 samples of your writing, up to 2000 words. These can be an extract from a novel, short stories, poems, factual pieces, essays, lyrics...anything you like. If it's an extract, let us know the title of the piece, a brief synopsis, and which part of the piece the extract is taken from
Fins and Stripes
by quaintgerontion
Brave, little Fish rode the waves to the shore and threw himself upon the beach. The tide receded back out to the mass of ocean after its failed attempt at escape, but Fish remained upon the crystalline sand.
He was not so large as to be a predator, only of six inches from nose to tail. But he was quick enough through the water to be an elusive prey. The hunt was not this sea-creature’s passion, though; that was the accumulation of knowledge.
He demanded his gills to breathe-to catch the minute particles of life hanging within his newfound habitat. Oxygen was netted by the slits, and life was sustained. Pulling his fore fins beneath his mass, he lifted his belly from off the sand. Pushing forward against the grains, left then right, step by miniscule step, he trudged up the beach. This movement dragged his tail behind him, leaving a shallow line through the sand in his wake. His goal was the vast sea of green that bordered the beach ten yards ahead.
Eight hours work yielded six yards results. Though breathing the foreign air, his body was not processing it with the rapidity it could water. So he rested.
Tiger was a beast of the hunt. The accumulation of facts was only important to such a beast when it involved the digestion of muscle and tissue. Strolling on the beach to stretch his legs before the hunt, Tiger stumbled upon Fish, who was in the midst of the respite.
“Sir Fish, you leave your watery depths to build trenches within mine? How curious...”
“I venture above, Sir Tiger, not for ditch-digging, but for the answer to the Great Conundrum.”
“And what could conun you so much as to inspire such an enterprising voyage.”
“The riddle which all sea-dwellers dwell upon: How does one enter the limitless reaches of the Upper Waters?”
“Friend Fish, that place is unknown to me.”
“You call me Friend, why so?”
“We converse in a friendly manner and you present no threat, so I say Friend.”
“I see. But Friend Tiger, the Upper Waters are right there,” Fish rolled onto his side and pointed one fin upwards, “stretching endlessly above.”
“You speak of the sky.”
“Sky: the Upper Waters have a proper name. If I scale those solid weeds that kiss its face, may I bathe in the glory of Sky and swim away into its blue perfection?”
“No water awaits you at the top of the trees, Friend Fish. The sky is not an ocean above; it is but infinite stretches of air.”
“But it is so perfect, so blue, so clear. It must be water-the ideal water.”
“I’m sorry Friend Fish, but there is no such ideal.”
“None? But we sea-dwellers have been striving to reach that perfect ocean for the entirety of existence. Jumping and diving with the dream of breaking its surface. But now you tell me it is a falsity?”
“I do.”
“My brethren will not believe when I expose this lie. And those that do will be ruined by it.”
“Oh, there is no worry of that.”
“Friend Tiger, how can that be? They wait anxiously for my testimony, and have shown patience for millennia.”
“But friend Fish, though you present no threat to me, you misjudge when you label me friend to you, for I am a great threat upon your body.” Fish stared up in trepidation at Tiger’s revelation. “You will give no testimony, you shall be no prophet-you shall be my meal.”
“You would cause me to fail in my grand endeavor in order to satisfy your hunger?”
“Your endeavor shall not fail. For, though you are unable to answer the riddle of your kind, you have succeeded in providing me with conversation and guttural satisfaction. You have proven most worthy and valuable, in that regard.”
“You are an abomination, Tiger.”
“Not so.”
“Only a monster would inhibit such an important philosophical endeavor for the sake of an easy meal.”
“Now Friend, is the tiger that eats the fish the real monster, or the fish that breathes the air?”
Fish’s answer was never heard from the depths of the mammal’s belly. Tiger continued on his warm up for the hunt, but now with the added hope that he might stumble upon another moist zealot.
Name/Pseudonym:QuaintGerontion
Critiquing skills
Choose one piece of work from the application of an accepted member or mod and give constructive feedback on it. You may find the 'accepted' tag on the right-hand side of the community page helpful. Let us know which piece you're critiquing.
A critique of the_98th_cent's Untitled post:
Okay, the opening line is too ambiguous. You're the writer "perhaps the second time in a week?" You know excatly how long it's been. I was willing to play along with the unsure narrator aspect, up until the third sentance where you state exactly how far beneath the girl the matress is ("Six inches"). By mixing the ambiguous narrator with such an exact statistic confuses your narration's voice and level of accuracy, involvement, and knowledge. The perhaps line is good, very emotionally detached from an emotional situation. Keep up the cold, impersonal feel throughout and it will enhance the voice. Like when the narrator knows sooooo much about the girls future. That's too specific for a narration who only knew "perhaps" at the begninning/ Pick a style/narrator and run with it. Easy fix: cut the first line. Harder and more worthwhile fix: implant that same tone throughout the story.
The second to last paragraph, beginning "The writer," hits the reader and makes them stop and think, just not in the way I would want. It was confusing. I stopped, went back a paragraph or two, and couldn't figure out who this writer character was. A twist like this should make me unable to stop reading abd force me to continue on. Rather, this twist made me stop and think that you had left a sentance or paragraph out just before that line.
The line "rose like a light from his writing" is very dramatic and poetic. And that's where it belongs, in a poem. All I get from it is that the writer stood up. Whether or not you think me inferior for not getting the simile, I just don't think it adds anything to the writer character. The landscape and spiral imagery, along with the dolphin image were beautiful. A simpler description of the manner in which he rose would be fine, you don't need to add anymore imagery.
I know it's a piece about writing and artistic expression in general, but I think the two stories (that of the girl and her parents) needs to be connected more. The second part about the parents should have a more direct implication to the first. We get that they are neglectful, you told us that earlier. Show us how that neglect changes and motivates the characters. Going further into the stimuli does not make it a reaction. And that's all stories are: stimulus and reaction. Connect the two, even minutely, and they will be more effective.
The final sentence is a peculiar and pithy observation. But you spell it out to us. SHOW DON'T TELL! The writer realizes that, show through an action of his.
Writing sample
Post 1-5 samples of your writing, up to 2000 words. These can be an extract from a novel, short stories, poems, factual pieces, essays, lyrics...anything you like. If it's an extract, let us know the title of the piece, a brief synopsis, and which part of the piece the extract is taken from
Fins and Stripes
by quaintgerontion
Brave, little Fish rode the waves to the shore and threw himself upon the beach. The tide receded back out to the mass of ocean after its failed attempt at escape, but Fish remained upon the crystalline sand.
He was not so large as to be a predator, only of six inches from nose to tail. But he was quick enough through the water to be an elusive prey. The hunt was not this sea-creature’s passion, though; that was the accumulation of knowledge.
He demanded his gills to breathe-to catch the minute particles of life hanging within his newfound habitat. Oxygen was netted by the slits, and life was sustained. Pulling his fore fins beneath his mass, he lifted his belly from off the sand. Pushing forward against the grains, left then right, step by miniscule step, he trudged up the beach. This movement dragged his tail behind him, leaving a shallow line through the sand in his wake. His goal was the vast sea of green that bordered the beach ten yards ahead.
Eight hours work yielded six yards results. Though breathing the foreign air, his body was not processing it with the rapidity it could water. So he rested.
Tiger was a beast of the hunt. The accumulation of facts was only important to such a beast when it involved the digestion of muscle and tissue. Strolling on the beach to stretch his legs before the hunt, Tiger stumbled upon Fish, who was in the midst of the respite.
“Sir Fish, you leave your watery depths to build trenches within mine? How curious...”
“I venture above, Sir Tiger, not for ditch-digging, but for the answer to the Great Conundrum.”
“And what could conun you so much as to inspire such an enterprising voyage.”
“The riddle which all sea-dwellers dwell upon: How does one enter the limitless reaches of the Upper Waters?”
“Friend Fish, that place is unknown to me.”
“You call me Friend, why so?”
“We converse in a friendly manner and you present no threat, so I say Friend.”
“I see. But Friend Tiger, the Upper Waters are right there,” Fish rolled onto his side and pointed one fin upwards, “stretching endlessly above.”
“You speak of the sky.”
“Sky: the Upper Waters have a proper name. If I scale those solid weeds that kiss its face, may I bathe in the glory of Sky and swim away into its blue perfection?”
“No water awaits you at the top of the trees, Friend Fish. The sky is not an ocean above; it is but infinite stretches of air.”
“But it is so perfect, so blue, so clear. It must be water-the ideal water.”
“I’m sorry Friend Fish, but there is no such ideal.”
“None? But we sea-dwellers have been striving to reach that perfect ocean for the entirety of existence. Jumping and diving with the dream of breaking its surface. But now you tell me it is a falsity?”
“I do.”
“My brethren will not believe when I expose this lie. And those that do will be ruined by it.”
“Oh, there is no worry of that.”
“Friend Tiger, how can that be? They wait anxiously for my testimony, and have shown patience for millennia.”
“But friend Fish, though you present no threat to me, you misjudge when you label me friend to you, for I am a great threat upon your body.” Fish stared up in trepidation at Tiger’s revelation. “You will give no testimony, you shall be no prophet-you shall be my meal.”
“You would cause me to fail in my grand endeavor in order to satisfy your hunger?”
“Your endeavor shall not fail. For, though you are unable to answer the riddle of your kind, you have succeeded in providing me with conversation and guttural satisfaction. You have proven most worthy and valuable, in that regard.”
“You are an abomination, Tiger.”
“Not so.”
“Only a monster would inhibit such an important philosophical endeavor for the sake of an easy meal.”
“Now Friend, is the tiger that eats the fish the real monster, or the fish that breathes the air?”
Fish’s answer was never heard from the depths of the mammal’s belly. Tiger continued on his warm up for the hunt, but now with the added hope that he might stumble upon another moist zealot.