Forgive Me (4/15)
This story is fully complete, with 15 installments which will post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Please mind the warnings for triggery bits.
Title: Forgive Me
Authors: deirdre_aithne and uniquepov (our collaborations can be found on our joint journal, lorca_aithne)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Harry/Neville, past Harry/other, and a blink-and-you-might-it-mention of Dramione
Summary: Years after the end of the war, Harry and Neville hit it off after a blind date. Harry is afraid to open up, but Neville is determined to explore the spark between them. Can they find happiness together, or will the spectre of Harry's hidden past destroy their fledgling romance?
Content: Slash (with activities as implied by the rating), BDSM, D/s, angst. Bottom!Harry, if you care about that sort of thing.
Warnings: *highlight to view -spoilers*
somewhat graphic descriptions of domestic and sexual abuse and stalking (not in the main pairing)
Word Count: ≈4300 this installment (≈78k complete)
Author's Notes: Thank you to the absolute team of folks who helped to beta and cheerlead for us as we wrote this! khasael, solas_divided, kinky_kneazle, talekayler, and especially catcachoo - every one of you gave us something immeasurably precious. Thank you! We tinkered with it again at the end, so any remaining errors are entirely our fault.
Disclaimer: We solemnly swear that we are up to no good. However, we promise to return everyone, good as new, when we’re done playing with them. We own nothing that you recognize, and we do not profit from any of it.
Begin at the beginning
Go to Installment 2
Go to Installment 3
Installment 4
Chapter 5
Harry lay curled on his side on the sofa, his head in Neville's lap, gazing into the fire pensively. He was naked, as he was more and more when he was with Neville, but the other man had draped a quilt over him to keep him warm and cozy. He traced small circles on Neville's knee with his free hand, sighing contentedly as Neville's hand carded through his hair.
Hearing Harry sigh, Neville glanced down at the other man and smiled. They'd done very little but sit together like this the entire evening, alternating between pleasant conversations and comfortable silences, and Neville felt a brief flicker of sadness; it was these little moments he was going to miss the most over the next several days, while he was away. "Harry..." he murmured softly, continuing to thread his fingers through the other man's hair.
Harry didn't raise his head, but did rest his palm against Neville's leg. "Mmhmm?"
"Do you remember that night we talked about you being mine?" Neville reached his free hand down to lay it over Harry's, squeezing gently.
Harry nodded. They'd progressed in their games since then, but were still moving slowly. "Of course I do, Nev."
Neville stroked the back of Harry’s hand with his thumb. "I've been thinking it might be time to take our next step with that..." Neville's gaze flicked to the mantel above the fireplace before he returned his eyes to Harry's face. "Would you mind fetching something for me, Harry?"
Harry sat up and nodded. "All right, Neville... what?"
Leaning in, Neville placed a kiss against the fringe of Harry's hair. "There's a box on the mantel I want you to bring me, and then kneel at my feet, understood?"
Harry nodded again and then stood, shivering in the sudden chill as he shed the blanket. He crossed to the mantel and picked up the box, flashing Neville a sheepish grin at his nudity as he moved back to the sofa, handing Neville the box before slipping down onto his knees.
Neville watched Harry move, his eyes raking over Harry’s body slowly before returning to his face. "Good boy," he said softly as Harry settled onto his knees in front of him. Harry ducked his head at Neville's words; he was always generous with his compliments and Harry had come slightly further out of his shell since they had gotten together.
"I'd thought about waiting until I got back from the conference for this, but...I'd rather give it to you now," Neville continued, removing the lid from the box and setting it aside. Carefully, he reached inside and lifted a simple leather collar out, decorated only with a small o-ring that dangled from the middle of the band.
As Neville removed the object from its wrappings, Harry’s breath hitched sharply, his eyes widening as he looked from Neville to the collar.
"I won't force you to wear it if you’re not ready," Neville said, holding the collar out to Harry, inviting him to examine it as he pleased. "But I'd like for you to have it, all the same. That way, if you miss me while I'm away, it's there for you to wear, if you wanted."
Harry took it gingerly and turned it in his hands, examining the leather and the fastenings. He looked up at Neville, eyes still wide. "Would you... tell me... what the thought ofmewearingthis... doestoyou?" The last of his question came out in a jumbled rush of embarrassment.
Neville considered Harry's question for a moment before leaning forward, tracing the collar in Harry's hands with one finger as he spoke. "Generally, the thought of it makes me happy; it’s an outward statement that you're mine, and I'd like to have that. And," he added, his eyes focussing on Harry's face as the corners of his mouth turned upwards, "the idea of you wearing this for me, and nothing else, is...incredibly arousing."
"Yeah?" Harry asked, shy and hopeful.
"Oh, yeah," Neville agreed, leaning down to press his lips to Harry's.
Harry kissed him eagerly, his hands dropping into his lap as he knelt up into the kiss. He pulled back after a moment, breathing harder, and stared down at the collar in his hands. Unfastening it slowly, he held it out to Neville, raising his eyes to the other man’s in wordless acquiescence.
Neville took the collar from Harry's hands, offering him an approving smile as he circled the band of leather around Harry's neck. "Thank you, Harry," he said as he fastened the collar in place, keeping it loose enough that it wouldn't restrict Harry's breathing at all, but not so loose that he wouldn't feel it there.
Harry's breathing had all but stopped as Neville circled the collar around his neck, but once it was in place he took several steadying breaths before raising his hands to trace the collar with his fingertips. He looked up at Neville, love shining in his eyes. "Like it?"
Neville's eyes followed Harry's fingers as they traced over the collar, his heart racing at the sight Harry made wearing it. "Yes," he breathed, turning his gaze back to Harry's eyes and reaching out to cup his cheek. "So much..."
Harry nuzzled Neville's hand, cheeks tingeing pink. "I'm glad," he whispered. "Can I - come back to the sofa now?"
Neville chuckled and nodded, sitting back and patting his leg. "In my lap, Harry. I want to hold you for a while."
Harry blushed deeper but obediently climbed onto Neville's lap, reaching for the quilt as he did, draping it over them as he rested his head on Neville's shoulder.
Smiling, Neville wrapped his arms around Harry's waist beneath the quilt, turning to place a light kiss against his forehead. "I'd like to give you a new rule while I'm at the conference this week, Harry. Are you up for that?"
Harry nuzzled Neville's neck and kissed his jaw. "What rule?"
Neville tightened his arms around Harry, holding him close. "I don't want you to touch yourself while I'm gone...Can you do that for me?"
Harry groaned. "At all?"
Chuckling, Neville turned to kiss Harry's cheek. "At all," he confirmed, lightly stroking the small of Harry's back.
Harry chewed his lower lip, hesitating, but he could see in Neville's face how much the other man wanted this. "All right, Nev," he agreed slowly. "I'll... I'll try."
Neville gave Harry a small squeeze, brushing their lips together with an encouraging smile. "I know you'll make me proud, Harry."
Harry blushed again, but leaned in to meet the kiss eagerly. Pulling back, he asked plaintively, "How long are you going to be gone, again?"
"Five days," Neville answered with a slight frown. "I won't get back until Friday evening."
Harry let out a whimper, but nodded again. "All right," he sighed.
Neville smiled and placed another quick kiss to Harry's lips. "It won't be so bad," he reassured, tightening his arms around Harry's waist. "I'll be back before you know it."
Harry nuzzled his neck again, his hand stroking gently along Neville's chest. "It still feels strange to be naked when you're not," he admitted quietly.
"I know," Neville said, unable to keep the hint of amusement from his voice. "You do look so good like this, though."
The blush spread from Harry's cheeks down his neck and along his shoulders. "Think so?"
"Of course," Neville answered, tilting his face down to nuzzle Harry's neck. "Not that you don't look fantastic dressed," he added, marking a gentle trail of nips down toward Harry's shoulder. "But I love seeing you like this all the time."
Harry moaned, arching his back so that he curved up into the kisses.
Neville inhaled sharply as he pulled Harry flush to his chest, pausing as his lips brushed against the leather of the collar around his neck. "This does look wonderful on you," he murmured, more to himself than to Harry.
Harry's breath hitched as he wriggled teasingly on Neville's lap. "I'm... glad you like it," he breathed, moving to kiss Neville deeply.
Neville groaned against Harry's lips, his hands wandering to the other man's arse and squeezing as he let Harry take charge of their kiss.
Harry licked along Neville's lips playfully, his hands moving to wrap around his neck and pull him closer.
Parting his lips, Neville's tongue darted out to brush against Harry's, inviting him to deepen the kiss. His hands massaged Harry’s arse lightly as he shifted his hips, feeling his own erection pressing insistently against the fabric of his trousers.
Harry squirmed in Neville's lap to tease the erection poking up against him. He pulled back breathlessly to nip at Neville's earlobe and whisper, "I'd like some of that, please..."
Neville groaned at Harry's words, the shifting in his lap only making him harder. "You delightful little tease," he purred, removing one of his hands from Harry's arse to slip between them, opening the fastenings of his trousers.
Harry shifted to give him space, nuzzling his neck roughly. "Mmhmm," he murmured against his neck.
"Fuck, Harry," Neville breathed, squeezing Harry's arse with one hand as he tugged open his trousers. "You like doing this to me, don't you?"
"Of course..." Harry breathed. "Why wouldn't I like it?"
The corner of Neville's mouth twitched in amusement as he roughly pulled Harry down to grind against him. "Why don't you show me how much you like it, then?" Neville suggested, leaning in to nip at Harry's neck. "Tease me."
Harry smiled playfully. "Tease you?" He moved to nuzzle Neville's neck. "Like this?" He pushed against him.
Neville's breath caught, his hands squeezing Harry's arse again as he nodded. "Yes..."
Harry grinned, shifting in his lap as he nipped at Neville's neck and jaw. Neville ground his hips upward against Harry, turning his head to allow him better access to his neck. Harry groaned and pulled Neville's hands away, holding them lightly against the back of the sofa.
Chuckling, Neville allowed Harry to move his hands, keeping them where they were placed for the moment to see what the other man would do.
Harry pushed Neville into the cushions, pressing his lips to the other man's ear to whisper, "You really like being the one in charge?"
A small tremor rippled through Neville as Harry's breath washed over his ear. "Yes," he whispered, a little unsteadily, darting his tongue across his lower lip quickly as he pressed up against Harry again. "W-why?"
Harry smirked, his lips curving against the shell of Neville's ear as he whispered, "What would you do if I pinned you to the sofa with magic? Kept you at my mercy?"
Neville's breath caught in his throat again, a quiet whine escaping him before he could prevent it. "I..." he hesitated, sinking his teeth into his lower lip for a moment as a faint blush rose in his cheeks. "I might enjoy that..."
Harry nipped his earlobe lightly before nuzzling his neck. "I'd make sure you did, Neville..."
Neville's eyes fluttered closed as Harry nuzzled his neck, his hips bucking upward hopefully. "Y-you would?"
Harry nodded against his neck. "I would," he whispered. "I promise."
Swallowing nervously, Neville turned his face toward Harry, his cheeks still tinged pink. "Would you...like to do that, Harry?"
Harry smiled as he shifted in Neville's lap, eliciting another groan from the other man. "I won't deny that it has its appeal, Neville... fit bloke like you, all mine... but..." he leaned in to nip his earlobe again. "Somehow, I don't think it's what you had in mind when you gave me this..." He brought one of Neville's hands up to trace the collar around his neck as he spoke.
Neville leaned his head back with a quiet chuckle, squeezing his eyes closed. "You're a rather cruel tease, Harry," he murmured, brushing his fingers lightly over the collar as he looked at the other man again. Shifting his hand, he curled it around the back of Harry's neck, pulling him in to claim his lips in a possessive kiss.
Harry melted against him briefly as the kiss deepened, before pulling back a bit breathlessly. "You did tell me to tease you..." he said, a smile curving the corners of his lips. "But...I would like to do that with you, sometime..."
“Sometime,” Neville agreed with an answering smile, as he tugged Harry down to kiss him again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 6
Neville stepped through the Floo into his flat, carding his fingers through his hair. The conference had been both stressful and enjoyable, and left him aching to just be able to relax for a few hours with Harry. Fully focussed on the idea of a hot shower before Harry arrived, it took Neville a moment to notice the other man already sitting on his sofa. “Harry!”
Harry gave a shy smile, standing and crossing to him. The quilt he'd had wrapped around him fell away and Neville's jaw dropped as he took in the sight of Harry, naked in nothing but the collar, crossing the room towards him. Harry wrapped his arms around Neville's neck and kissed him, then nuzzled him as he whispered, "Welcome home."
Neville's heart skipped a beat at the sight of Harry still wearing the collar he'd given him, and as the other man's arms came around him, he wrapped his arms around his waist instinctively. Pulling Harry tightly to him, Neville smiled as Harry nuzzled his neck. "Thank you...I've missed you."
"I missed you too," Harry admitted. "So much." He clung to the taller man slightly before pulling back. "Like your surprise?"
Neville's eyes travelled slowly over Harry's body when he pulled away. He'd held himself to the same rule he'd given Harry for the week, and the sight of the other man standing in front of him in nothing but his leather collar was doing quite a bit to stir his interest. "Very much," he answered after a moment, his eyes returning to Harry's face as he reached to pull the other man against him again.
Harry allowed himself to be pulled back into his embrace. "I'm glad."
Dipping his head, Neville brushed his lips against Harry's neck. His hands wandered to grab Harry's arse. "I thought about you like this every night," he murmured against Harry's neck, kissing his way slowly down toward his shoulder. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep my hands off myself like that?"
Harry started in surprise. "You - what?"
Neville paused as Harry started, pulling back to look into his eyes. "I held myself to the same rule I gave you..." Neville brought one of his hands up to cup Harry's cheek with a soft smile, leaning in to kiss him briefly. "I wouldn't give you an order like that if I couldn't do it myself as well, Harry. Hard as it was," he added with a chuckle.
Harry kissed him, but a blush suffused his cheeks as he pulled away. "Neville, I... I have to confess something," he said. "You're not going to like it.'
"What is it?" Neville asked, his thumb stroking Harry's cheek.
Harry stared at his feet unhappily. "I - I failed, Neville."
Neville let out a nearly inaudible sigh as he nodded, slipping his fingers beneath Harry's chin and lifting his face until he met his eyes. "How many times?"
Harry closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to meet the other man's gaze. "Just once, honestly. I'm sorry. I just... missed you so much, and I woke up from a dream and I was so hard..."
"Harry," Neville said, willing the other man to look at him. "I'm proud of you for telling me, but..." Neville paused to swallow the lump that rose in his throat; he hated punishments, but a deliberate act couldn't be overlooked. "You realize that isn't an excuse, don't you?"
Harry nodded miserably. "I'm so sorry, Neville, I didn't want to disappoint you."
Neville pulled Harry against his chest. Cupping his face in his hands, he leaned down to place a kiss against the fringe of Harry's hair before pulling back to look into his eyes. "Harry, you told me this on your own. I'm more proud of you for that than I am disappointed. But I also can't overlook this..." Neville took a steadying breath as he stroked Harry's cheek. "You didn't necessarily mean to, but you did choose to disobey me."
Harry gave another slow nod. It was true; he'd known, as he took himself in hand, that he was breaking his promise to Neville.
Pressing another brief kiss to Harry's lips, Neville pulled away and slid an arm around his waist to guide him gently toward the sofa. "You understand why I have to punish you?" he asked as he took a seat, leaving Harry standing in front of him. He looked into Harry's eyes as he waited for him to answer, needing to know he understood before he began.
Harry trembled slightly as he answered, a note of fear in his voice. "Yes, Neville. What - what are you going to do?"
Neville reached out to take Harry's hands in his own, giving them an encouraging squeeze. “You're going to lay yourself across my lap, and I'm going to give you a spanking.”
Harry bit his lower lip. "Now?" he asked timidly.
Neville gave Harry's hands another squeeze. "Better to get it over with than to put it off."
Harry nervously laid himself down over Neville's lap, his hands and feet on the floor to support himself.
Neville ran his hand gently along Harry's back as he saw him trembling, hoping the light touch might soothe him. "Are you ready?" he asked, hoping to give Harry an extra moment to steady his nerves before beginning.
Harry nodded silently.
Removing his hand from Harry's back, Neville took a slow, steadying breath before drawing back for the first strike. He was careful not to use too much force, although it was enough that Harry would certainly feel it as his hand collided with the curve of his arse, the second strike landing slightly beneath it a moment later.
Harry's body rocked with the blows, but he stayed silent, still trembling.
Neville took another deep breath as he watched Harry, forcing himself not to hold the other man just yet, to avoid sending him mixed signals. Focussing on where his hand was landing, to keep from striking the same spot twice in a row, Neville brought his hand down three more times before speaking in a soft whisper. "Halfway there, Harry...Just five more, and it'll all be over..."
Harry whimpered at that, but his trembling lessened slightly.
Neville delivered the next two blows quickly, before he gave in to the impulse to run his hand over Harry's arse to soothe some of the pain he would have caused. "I don't like doing this to you, Harry," he murmured sincerely, as he felt a faint heat against his palm from where the flesh of Harry's arse had been warmed by the spanking. "But I have to..."
Harry was strangely quiet, the trembling growing worse again.
"Just three more, and then it'll be over," Neville said as he stroked the curve of Harry's arse. "Everything will be okay... But, this is how you learn, Harry. It's only to make you a better-" he started, hesitating when Harry stiffened completely, his breath completely leaving him. "Harry...?" Neville asked, looking down at the other man in concern.
The sound of Neville's voice catapulted Harry into action. He scrambled off Neville's lap, sliding to the floor and drawing his knees up to his chest and rocking himself a little, dropping his forehead onto his knees.
Caught off guard by Harry's quick movements, Neville watched him for a moment as he tried to process what had happened. It was several moments after Harry's forehead was pressed to his knees that Neville made the connection between Harry's behaviour and the vague comments about his past relationship. "Oh, Merlin, no," Neville murmured under his breath as he moved slowly, lowering himself to his knees in front of Harry. "Harry?" he asked, failing to keep his voice from wavering.
Harry didn't respond; he just kept rocking himself, folded up tightly and protectively.
"Harry," Neville tried again, keeping his tone soft as he reached a hand out tentatively. Tears stung the corners of his eyes as he watched the other man rock back and forth, and he tried to blink them back quickly. "I'm so sorry..." he whispered.
As Neville's hand touched him, Harry let out a strangled cry and scrambled backward, eyes wide and unseeing.
Neville took an unsteady breath when Harry moved away from him, closing his eyes and struggling to keep the tears in his eyes at bay as he realised what he'd done. Focussing on Harry's face again, he stayed where he was, not wanting to frighten him by moving any closer again. "Harry," he started, his voice cracking, "I'm not going to hurt you..."
Harry stared at Neville as a small measure of the panic began to leave his face. He was still hyperventilating, though, and still curled up on the floor.
Staying put, despite the overwhelming desire to pull Harry into his arms, Neville reached his hand out for Harry, offering it for him to take, when he was ready. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, meeting Harry's eyes. "I didn't mean to-" Neville started and trailed off. "Harry, please..."
Slowly, a measure of awareness returned to Harry's eyes and he really looked at Neville for the first time since the trigger. "Neville?" he choked out, tears streaming down his face.
Relaxing slightly as Harry said his name, Neville nodded. "Yes, Harry, it's me," he said quietly. Still hesitant to touch Harry until the other man initiated it, Neville flexed his hand to draw Harry's attention to it.
Instead, Harry withdrew even further and buried his face in his knees again. "Oh, Neville, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." he whimpered.
"Harry, don't," Neville pleaded when the other man withdrew. "You haven't done anything wrong...It was me!" Neville swallowed as he shifted just a little closer to Harry, trying to reach for him again. "Please...look at me..."
It took several moments for Harry to lift his tear-stained face to look at Neville. He swiped at his cheeks and took a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry" he continued to whisper.
Neville moved slowly to reach for Harry's hands, shaking his head as he continued to whisper apologies. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he said, his voice trembling. "I'm the one who did something wrong, not you." Meeting Harry's eyes, Neville felt tears of his own, which he'd managed to hold back this long, try to slip free again. "I'm so sorry, Harry."
Harry cried softly as he shook his head. "No, it's me. It's... I'm damaged goods," he choked out. "He was right. I'm damaged..."
Hearing Harry say that threw Neville's sense of caution out the window. Reaching for the other man, Neville pulled Harry into his arms, burying his face against Harry's neck as his arms curled around him. "Don't you ever call yourself that," he said against his neck, the words coming out slightly muffled. "You're perfect," Neville added before his voice trailed off into a ragged breath in an attempt to stop the flow of tears that had started at Harry's statement.
Harry struggled against Neville for a few seconds before collapsing into his arms and sobbing freely. All the while, he continued mumbling about "damaged goods" and "broken" and "no good."
Neville tightened his arms around Harry's waist. "Please, Harry, don't talk like that," he whispered against the curve of his neck, his tone pleading. "There's nothing wrong with you, I swear. You're perfect, Harry! I -" Neville stopped himself as he realised what he'd been about to say, and he buried his face further against Harry's neck. True as it was, he couldn't bring himself to say it yet, not after what he'd just done to Harry. "I'm so sorry," he whispered brokenly as he held Harry close. "Can you ever forgive me?"
Harry clung to him, his sobs eventually quieting as he remained, trembling, in Neville's arms.
Neville ran his hands gently over the length of Harry's back as his sobs quieted, continuing to murmur apologies every few moments against the other man's neck.
Harry laid his head on Neville's shoulder, sniffles and hiccoughs wracking his body. "I'm sorry, Neville, I'm so sorry. I'll go." He began to push himself unsteadily into a standing position. "I'll go... home..."
"Harry," Neville said, reaching to grab Harry's hand gently before he could move too far away. He turned his face up to meet Harry's eyes, no longer caring about the slightly red and swollen appearance of his own. "I know I've hurt you, but...Please, won't you give me a chance to make this right?" His voice sounded unsteady even to himself, but still Neville gave Harry's hand a hopeful squeeze as he held his breath waiting for an answer.
Harry's face crumpled again. "Why? You shouldn't want me, Neville. You shouldn't want me; you're too good for me. I'm damaged goods. No one should have to put up with me..."
"You are not damaged goods," Neville nearly snapped, pushing himself to his feet and pulling Harry to him. "Whoever told you that is wrong, Harry; very wrong..." Reaching up, Neville placed both of his hands on the sides of Harry's face, stroking his cheek gently as he felt a fresh wave of tears pricking his eyes at the thought of losing the man in front of him. "I don't want to lose you, Harry. I..." Neville hesitated again, biting his lower lip sharply.
Harry brought his arms around Neville's neck and clung to the taller man desperately. "I... I don't want to lose you either... but you deserve so much better than me..."
"No," Neville started shaking his head. "You're the one who deserves better, Harry..." He pulled Harry flush to his chest, burying his face against the other man's hair. He took a ragged breath. "Can you ever forgive me for this, Harry?"
“I forgive you, Neville,” Harry whispered. “I just can’t forgive myself.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Continue To Installment 5
Please comment - we'd love to hear your thoughts!
Please mind the warnings for triggery bits.
Title: Forgive Me
Authors: deirdre_aithne and uniquepov (our collaborations can be found on our joint journal, lorca_aithne)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Harry/Neville, past Harry/other, and a blink-and-you-might-it-mention of Dramione
Summary: Years after the end of the war, Harry and Neville hit it off after a blind date. Harry is afraid to open up, but Neville is determined to explore the spark between them. Can they find happiness together, or will the spectre of Harry's hidden past destroy their fledgling romance?
Content: Slash (with activities as implied by the rating), BDSM, D/s, angst. Bottom!Harry, if you care about that sort of thing.
Warnings: *highlight to view -spoilers*
somewhat graphic descriptions of domestic and sexual abuse and stalking (not in the main pairing)
Word Count: ≈4300 this installment (≈78k complete)
Author's Notes: Thank you to the absolute team of folks who helped to beta and cheerlead for us as we wrote this! khasael, solas_divided, kinky_kneazle, talekayler, and especially catcachoo - every one of you gave us something immeasurably precious. Thank you! We tinkered with it again at the end, so any remaining errors are entirely our fault.
Disclaimer: We solemnly swear that we are up to no good. However, we promise to return everyone, good as new, when we’re done playing with them. We own nothing that you recognize, and we do not profit from any of it.
Begin at the beginning
Go to Installment 2
Go to Installment 3
Installment 4
Chapter 5
Harry lay curled on his side on the sofa, his head in Neville's lap, gazing into the fire pensively. He was naked, as he was more and more when he was with Neville, but the other man had draped a quilt over him to keep him warm and cozy. He traced small circles on Neville's knee with his free hand, sighing contentedly as Neville's hand carded through his hair.
Hearing Harry sigh, Neville glanced down at the other man and smiled. They'd done very little but sit together like this the entire evening, alternating between pleasant conversations and comfortable silences, and Neville felt a brief flicker of sadness; it was these little moments he was going to miss the most over the next several days, while he was away. "Harry..." he murmured softly, continuing to thread his fingers through the other man's hair.
Harry didn't raise his head, but did rest his palm against Neville's leg. "Mmhmm?"
"Do you remember that night we talked about you being mine?" Neville reached his free hand down to lay it over Harry's, squeezing gently.
Harry nodded. They'd progressed in their games since then, but were still moving slowly. "Of course I do, Nev."
Neville stroked the back of Harry’s hand with his thumb. "I've been thinking it might be time to take our next step with that..." Neville's gaze flicked to the mantel above the fireplace before he returned his eyes to Harry's face. "Would you mind fetching something for me, Harry?"
Harry sat up and nodded. "All right, Neville... what?"
Leaning in, Neville placed a kiss against the fringe of Harry's hair. "There's a box on the mantel I want you to bring me, and then kneel at my feet, understood?"
Harry nodded again and then stood, shivering in the sudden chill as he shed the blanket. He crossed to the mantel and picked up the box, flashing Neville a sheepish grin at his nudity as he moved back to the sofa, handing Neville the box before slipping down onto his knees.
Neville watched Harry move, his eyes raking over Harry’s body slowly before returning to his face. "Good boy," he said softly as Harry settled onto his knees in front of him. Harry ducked his head at Neville's words; he was always generous with his compliments and Harry had come slightly further out of his shell since they had gotten together.
"I'd thought about waiting until I got back from the conference for this, but...I'd rather give it to you now," Neville continued, removing the lid from the box and setting it aside. Carefully, he reached inside and lifted a simple leather collar out, decorated only with a small o-ring that dangled from the middle of the band.
As Neville removed the object from its wrappings, Harry’s breath hitched sharply, his eyes widening as he looked from Neville to the collar.
"I won't force you to wear it if you’re not ready," Neville said, holding the collar out to Harry, inviting him to examine it as he pleased. "But I'd like for you to have it, all the same. That way, if you miss me while I'm away, it's there for you to wear, if you wanted."
Harry took it gingerly and turned it in his hands, examining the leather and the fastenings. He looked up at Neville, eyes still wide. "Would you... tell me... what the thought ofmewearingthis... doestoyou?" The last of his question came out in a jumbled rush of embarrassment.
Neville considered Harry's question for a moment before leaning forward, tracing the collar in Harry's hands with one finger as he spoke. "Generally, the thought of it makes me happy; it’s an outward statement that you're mine, and I'd like to have that. And," he added, his eyes focussing on Harry's face as the corners of his mouth turned upwards, "the idea of you wearing this for me, and nothing else, is...incredibly arousing."
"Yeah?" Harry asked, shy and hopeful.
"Oh, yeah," Neville agreed, leaning down to press his lips to Harry's.
Harry kissed him eagerly, his hands dropping into his lap as he knelt up into the kiss. He pulled back after a moment, breathing harder, and stared down at the collar in his hands. Unfastening it slowly, he held it out to Neville, raising his eyes to the other man’s in wordless acquiescence.
Neville took the collar from Harry's hands, offering him an approving smile as he circled the band of leather around Harry's neck. "Thank you, Harry," he said as he fastened the collar in place, keeping it loose enough that it wouldn't restrict Harry's breathing at all, but not so loose that he wouldn't feel it there.
Harry's breathing had all but stopped as Neville circled the collar around his neck, but once it was in place he took several steadying breaths before raising his hands to trace the collar with his fingertips. He looked up at Neville, love shining in his eyes. "Like it?"
Neville's eyes followed Harry's fingers as they traced over the collar, his heart racing at the sight Harry made wearing it. "Yes," he breathed, turning his gaze back to Harry's eyes and reaching out to cup his cheek. "So much..."
Harry nuzzled Neville's hand, cheeks tingeing pink. "I'm glad," he whispered. "Can I - come back to the sofa now?"
Neville chuckled and nodded, sitting back and patting his leg. "In my lap, Harry. I want to hold you for a while."
Harry blushed deeper but obediently climbed onto Neville's lap, reaching for the quilt as he did, draping it over them as he rested his head on Neville's shoulder.
Smiling, Neville wrapped his arms around Harry's waist beneath the quilt, turning to place a light kiss against his forehead. "I'd like to give you a new rule while I'm at the conference this week, Harry. Are you up for that?"
Harry nuzzled Neville's neck and kissed his jaw. "What rule?"
Neville tightened his arms around Harry, holding him close. "I don't want you to touch yourself while I'm gone...Can you do that for me?"
Harry groaned. "At all?"
Chuckling, Neville turned to kiss Harry's cheek. "At all," he confirmed, lightly stroking the small of Harry's back.
Harry chewed his lower lip, hesitating, but he could see in Neville's face how much the other man wanted this. "All right, Nev," he agreed slowly. "I'll... I'll try."
Neville gave Harry a small squeeze, brushing their lips together with an encouraging smile. "I know you'll make me proud, Harry."
Harry blushed again, but leaned in to meet the kiss eagerly. Pulling back, he asked plaintively, "How long are you going to be gone, again?"
"Five days," Neville answered with a slight frown. "I won't get back until Friday evening."
Harry let out a whimper, but nodded again. "All right," he sighed.
Neville smiled and placed another quick kiss to Harry's lips. "It won't be so bad," he reassured, tightening his arms around Harry's waist. "I'll be back before you know it."
Harry nuzzled his neck again, his hand stroking gently along Neville's chest. "It still feels strange to be naked when you're not," he admitted quietly.
"I know," Neville said, unable to keep the hint of amusement from his voice. "You do look so good like this, though."
The blush spread from Harry's cheeks down his neck and along his shoulders. "Think so?"
"Of course," Neville answered, tilting his face down to nuzzle Harry's neck. "Not that you don't look fantastic dressed," he added, marking a gentle trail of nips down toward Harry's shoulder. "But I love seeing you like this all the time."
Harry moaned, arching his back so that he curved up into the kisses.
Neville inhaled sharply as he pulled Harry flush to his chest, pausing as his lips brushed against the leather of the collar around his neck. "This does look wonderful on you," he murmured, more to himself than to Harry.
Harry's breath hitched as he wriggled teasingly on Neville's lap. "I'm... glad you like it," he breathed, moving to kiss Neville deeply.
Neville groaned against Harry's lips, his hands wandering to the other man's arse and squeezing as he let Harry take charge of their kiss.
Harry licked along Neville's lips playfully, his hands moving to wrap around his neck and pull him closer.
Parting his lips, Neville's tongue darted out to brush against Harry's, inviting him to deepen the kiss. His hands massaged Harry’s arse lightly as he shifted his hips, feeling his own erection pressing insistently against the fabric of his trousers.
Harry squirmed in Neville's lap to tease the erection poking up against him. He pulled back breathlessly to nip at Neville's earlobe and whisper, "I'd like some of that, please..."
Neville groaned at Harry's words, the shifting in his lap only making him harder. "You delightful little tease," he purred, removing one of his hands from Harry's arse to slip between them, opening the fastenings of his trousers.
Harry shifted to give him space, nuzzling his neck roughly. "Mmhmm," he murmured against his neck.
"Fuck, Harry," Neville breathed, squeezing Harry's arse with one hand as he tugged open his trousers. "You like doing this to me, don't you?"
"Of course..." Harry breathed. "Why wouldn't I like it?"
The corner of Neville's mouth twitched in amusement as he roughly pulled Harry down to grind against him. "Why don't you show me how much you like it, then?" Neville suggested, leaning in to nip at Harry's neck. "Tease me."
Harry smiled playfully. "Tease you?" He moved to nuzzle Neville's neck. "Like this?" He pushed against him.
Neville's breath caught, his hands squeezing Harry's arse again as he nodded. "Yes..."
Harry grinned, shifting in his lap as he nipped at Neville's neck and jaw. Neville ground his hips upward against Harry, turning his head to allow him better access to his neck. Harry groaned and pulled Neville's hands away, holding them lightly against the back of the sofa.
Chuckling, Neville allowed Harry to move his hands, keeping them where they were placed for the moment to see what the other man would do.
Harry pushed Neville into the cushions, pressing his lips to the other man's ear to whisper, "You really like being the one in charge?"
A small tremor rippled through Neville as Harry's breath washed over his ear. "Yes," he whispered, a little unsteadily, darting his tongue across his lower lip quickly as he pressed up against Harry again. "W-why?"
Harry smirked, his lips curving against the shell of Neville's ear as he whispered, "What would you do if I pinned you to the sofa with magic? Kept you at my mercy?"
Neville's breath caught in his throat again, a quiet whine escaping him before he could prevent it. "I..." he hesitated, sinking his teeth into his lower lip for a moment as a faint blush rose in his cheeks. "I might enjoy that..."
Harry nipped his earlobe lightly before nuzzling his neck. "I'd make sure you did, Neville..."
Neville's eyes fluttered closed as Harry nuzzled his neck, his hips bucking upward hopefully. "Y-you would?"
Harry nodded against his neck. "I would," he whispered. "I promise."
Swallowing nervously, Neville turned his face toward Harry, his cheeks still tinged pink. "Would you...like to do that, Harry?"
Harry smiled as he shifted in Neville's lap, eliciting another groan from the other man. "I won't deny that it has its appeal, Neville... fit bloke like you, all mine... but..." he leaned in to nip his earlobe again. "Somehow, I don't think it's what you had in mind when you gave me this..." He brought one of Neville's hands up to trace the collar around his neck as he spoke.
Neville leaned his head back with a quiet chuckle, squeezing his eyes closed. "You're a rather cruel tease, Harry," he murmured, brushing his fingers lightly over the collar as he looked at the other man again. Shifting his hand, he curled it around the back of Harry's neck, pulling him in to claim his lips in a possessive kiss.
Harry melted against him briefly as the kiss deepened, before pulling back a bit breathlessly. "You did tell me to tease you..." he said, a smile curving the corners of his lips. "But...I would like to do that with you, sometime..."
“Sometime,” Neville agreed with an answering smile, as he tugged Harry down to kiss him again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 6
Neville stepped through the Floo into his flat, carding his fingers through his hair. The conference had been both stressful and enjoyable, and left him aching to just be able to relax for a few hours with Harry. Fully focussed on the idea of a hot shower before Harry arrived, it took Neville a moment to notice the other man already sitting on his sofa. “Harry!”
Harry gave a shy smile, standing and crossing to him. The quilt he'd had wrapped around him fell away and Neville's jaw dropped as he took in the sight of Harry, naked in nothing but the collar, crossing the room towards him. Harry wrapped his arms around Neville's neck and kissed him, then nuzzled him as he whispered, "Welcome home."
Neville's heart skipped a beat at the sight of Harry still wearing the collar he'd given him, and as the other man's arms came around him, he wrapped his arms around his waist instinctively. Pulling Harry tightly to him, Neville smiled as Harry nuzzled his neck. "Thank you...I've missed you."
"I missed you too," Harry admitted. "So much." He clung to the taller man slightly before pulling back. "Like your surprise?"
Neville's eyes travelled slowly over Harry's body when he pulled away. He'd held himself to the same rule he'd given Harry for the week, and the sight of the other man standing in front of him in nothing but his leather collar was doing quite a bit to stir his interest. "Very much," he answered after a moment, his eyes returning to Harry's face as he reached to pull the other man against him again.
Harry allowed himself to be pulled back into his embrace. "I'm glad."
Dipping his head, Neville brushed his lips against Harry's neck. His hands wandered to grab Harry's arse. "I thought about you like this every night," he murmured against Harry's neck, kissing his way slowly down toward his shoulder. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep my hands off myself like that?"
Harry started in surprise. "You - what?"
Neville paused as Harry started, pulling back to look into his eyes. "I held myself to the same rule I gave you..." Neville brought one of his hands up to cup Harry's cheek with a soft smile, leaning in to kiss him briefly. "I wouldn't give you an order like that if I couldn't do it myself as well, Harry. Hard as it was," he added with a chuckle.
Harry kissed him, but a blush suffused his cheeks as he pulled away. "Neville, I... I have to confess something," he said. "You're not going to like it.'
"What is it?" Neville asked, his thumb stroking Harry's cheek.
Harry stared at his feet unhappily. "I - I failed, Neville."
Neville let out a nearly inaudible sigh as he nodded, slipping his fingers beneath Harry's chin and lifting his face until he met his eyes. "How many times?"
Harry closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to meet the other man's gaze. "Just once, honestly. I'm sorry. I just... missed you so much, and I woke up from a dream and I was so hard..."
"Harry," Neville said, willing the other man to look at him. "I'm proud of you for telling me, but..." Neville paused to swallow the lump that rose in his throat; he hated punishments, but a deliberate act couldn't be overlooked. "You realize that isn't an excuse, don't you?"
Harry nodded miserably. "I'm so sorry, Neville, I didn't want to disappoint you."
Neville pulled Harry against his chest. Cupping his face in his hands, he leaned down to place a kiss against the fringe of Harry's hair before pulling back to look into his eyes. "Harry, you told me this on your own. I'm more proud of you for that than I am disappointed. But I also can't overlook this..." Neville took a steadying breath as he stroked Harry's cheek. "You didn't necessarily mean to, but you did choose to disobey me."
Harry gave another slow nod. It was true; he'd known, as he took himself in hand, that he was breaking his promise to Neville.
Pressing another brief kiss to Harry's lips, Neville pulled away and slid an arm around his waist to guide him gently toward the sofa. "You understand why I have to punish you?" he asked as he took a seat, leaving Harry standing in front of him. He looked into Harry's eyes as he waited for him to answer, needing to know he understood before he began.
Harry trembled slightly as he answered, a note of fear in his voice. "Yes, Neville. What - what are you going to do?"
Neville reached out to take Harry's hands in his own, giving them an encouraging squeeze. “You're going to lay yourself across my lap, and I'm going to give you a spanking.”
Harry bit his lower lip. "Now?" he asked timidly.
Neville gave Harry's hands another squeeze. "Better to get it over with than to put it off."
Harry nervously laid himself down over Neville's lap, his hands and feet on the floor to support himself.
Neville ran his hand gently along Harry's back as he saw him trembling, hoping the light touch might soothe him. "Are you ready?" he asked, hoping to give Harry an extra moment to steady his nerves before beginning.
Harry nodded silently.
Removing his hand from Harry's back, Neville took a slow, steadying breath before drawing back for the first strike. He was careful not to use too much force, although it was enough that Harry would certainly feel it as his hand collided with the curve of his arse, the second strike landing slightly beneath it a moment later.
Harry's body rocked with the blows, but he stayed silent, still trembling.
Neville took another deep breath as he watched Harry, forcing himself not to hold the other man just yet, to avoid sending him mixed signals. Focussing on where his hand was landing, to keep from striking the same spot twice in a row, Neville brought his hand down three more times before speaking in a soft whisper. "Halfway there, Harry...Just five more, and it'll all be over..."
Harry whimpered at that, but his trembling lessened slightly.
Neville delivered the next two blows quickly, before he gave in to the impulse to run his hand over Harry's arse to soothe some of the pain he would have caused. "I don't like doing this to you, Harry," he murmured sincerely, as he felt a faint heat against his palm from where the flesh of Harry's arse had been warmed by the spanking. "But I have to..."
Harry was strangely quiet, the trembling growing worse again.
"Just three more, and then it'll be over," Neville said as he stroked the curve of Harry's arse. "Everything will be okay... But, this is how you learn, Harry. It's only to make you a better-" he started, hesitating when Harry stiffened completely, his breath completely leaving him. "Harry...?" Neville asked, looking down at the other man in concern.
The sound of Neville's voice catapulted Harry into action. He scrambled off Neville's lap, sliding to the floor and drawing his knees up to his chest and rocking himself a little, dropping his forehead onto his knees.
Caught off guard by Harry's quick movements, Neville watched him for a moment as he tried to process what had happened. It was several moments after Harry's forehead was pressed to his knees that Neville made the connection between Harry's behaviour and the vague comments about his past relationship. "Oh, Merlin, no," Neville murmured under his breath as he moved slowly, lowering himself to his knees in front of Harry. "Harry?" he asked, failing to keep his voice from wavering.
Harry didn't respond; he just kept rocking himself, folded up tightly and protectively.
"Harry," Neville tried again, keeping his tone soft as he reached a hand out tentatively. Tears stung the corners of his eyes as he watched the other man rock back and forth, and he tried to blink them back quickly. "I'm so sorry..." he whispered.
As Neville's hand touched him, Harry let out a strangled cry and scrambled backward, eyes wide and unseeing.
Neville took an unsteady breath when Harry moved away from him, closing his eyes and struggling to keep the tears in his eyes at bay as he realised what he'd done. Focussing on Harry's face again, he stayed where he was, not wanting to frighten him by moving any closer again. "Harry," he started, his voice cracking, "I'm not going to hurt you..."
Harry stared at Neville as a small measure of the panic began to leave his face. He was still hyperventilating, though, and still curled up on the floor.
Staying put, despite the overwhelming desire to pull Harry into his arms, Neville reached his hand out for Harry, offering it for him to take, when he was ready. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, meeting Harry's eyes. "I didn't mean to-" Neville started and trailed off. "Harry, please..."
Slowly, a measure of awareness returned to Harry's eyes and he really looked at Neville for the first time since the trigger. "Neville?" he choked out, tears streaming down his face.
Relaxing slightly as Harry said his name, Neville nodded. "Yes, Harry, it's me," he said quietly. Still hesitant to touch Harry until the other man initiated it, Neville flexed his hand to draw Harry's attention to it.
Instead, Harry withdrew even further and buried his face in his knees again. "Oh, Neville, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." he whimpered.
"Harry, don't," Neville pleaded when the other man withdrew. "You haven't done anything wrong...It was me!" Neville swallowed as he shifted just a little closer to Harry, trying to reach for him again. "Please...look at me..."
It took several moments for Harry to lift his tear-stained face to look at Neville. He swiped at his cheeks and took a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry" he continued to whisper.
Neville moved slowly to reach for Harry's hands, shaking his head as he continued to whisper apologies. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he said, his voice trembling. "I'm the one who did something wrong, not you." Meeting Harry's eyes, Neville felt tears of his own, which he'd managed to hold back this long, try to slip free again. "I'm so sorry, Harry."
Harry cried softly as he shook his head. "No, it's me. It's... I'm damaged goods," he choked out. "He was right. I'm damaged..."
Hearing Harry say that threw Neville's sense of caution out the window. Reaching for the other man, Neville pulled Harry into his arms, burying his face against Harry's neck as his arms curled around him. "Don't you ever call yourself that," he said against his neck, the words coming out slightly muffled. "You're perfect," Neville added before his voice trailed off into a ragged breath in an attempt to stop the flow of tears that had started at Harry's statement.
Harry struggled against Neville for a few seconds before collapsing into his arms and sobbing freely. All the while, he continued mumbling about "damaged goods" and "broken" and "no good."
Neville tightened his arms around Harry's waist. "Please, Harry, don't talk like that," he whispered against the curve of his neck, his tone pleading. "There's nothing wrong with you, I swear. You're perfect, Harry! I -" Neville stopped himself as he realised what he'd been about to say, and he buried his face further against Harry's neck. True as it was, he couldn't bring himself to say it yet, not after what he'd just done to Harry. "I'm so sorry," he whispered brokenly as he held Harry close. "Can you ever forgive me?"
Harry clung to him, his sobs eventually quieting as he remained, trembling, in Neville's arms.
Neville ran his hands gently over the length of Harry's back as his sobs quieted, continuing to murmur apologies every few moments against the other man's neck.
Harry laid his head on Neville's shoulder, sniffles and hiccoughs wracking his body. "I'm sorry, Neville, I'm so sorry. I'll go." He began to push himself unsteadily into a standing position. "I'll go... home..."
"Harry," Neville said, reaching to grab Harry's hand gently before he could move too far away. He turned his face up to meet Harry's eyes, no longer caring about the slightly red and swollen appearance of his own. "I know I've hurt you, but...Please, won't you give me a chance to make this right?" His voice sounded unsteady even to himself, but still Neville gave Harry's hand a hopeful squeeze as he held his breath waiting for an answer.
Harry's face crumpled again. "Why? You shouldn't want me, Neville. You shouldn't want me; you're too good for me. I'm damaged goods. No one should have to put up with me..."
"You are not damaged goods," Neville nearly snapped, pushing himself to his feet and pulling Harry to him. "Whoever told you that is wrong, Harry; very wrong..." Reaching up, Neville placed both of his hands on the sides of Harry's face, stroking his cheek gently as he felt a fresh wave of tears pricking his eyes at the thought of losing the man in front of him. "I don't want to lose you, Harry. I..." Neville hesitated again, biting his lower lip sharply.
Harry brought his arms around Neville's neck and clung to the taller man desperately. "I... I don't want to lose you either... but you deserve so much better than me..."
"No," Neville started shaking his head. "You're the one who deserves better, Harry..." He pulled Harry flush to his chest, burying his face against the other man's hair. He took a ragged breath. "Can you ever forgive me for this, Harry?"
“I forgive you, Neville,” Harry whispered. “I just can’t forgive myself.”
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Continue To Installment 5
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