TheRealLJIdol - Week 18 - Intersection - Location, Location, Location
This is Part 2 of my intersection with rswndrlst Here is the link to her entry which is Part 1
...When Friendship Means So Much
You were there for me in my darkest hours, Bella...
We met when we were two years old. In a small town in New Jersey. In a dance class that we had to fight to get in to. But we were both there.
You moved away, but we found each other again in fifth grade. I saw you on the first day of school and bounced over, asking if you wanted to be friends. You said yes and “you” and “I” became “us.” I had no idea at the time that being there, in that moment, would change the rest of my life.
As we became teenagers, I battled many demons. I realized that I was different, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to be a “good” girl, but something inside of me was fighting. I didn’t know at the time that what I was fighting was far beyond anything I could handle on my own, but that didn’t stop me from trying. I was used to fighting for myself. Used to stepping in and putting myself at risk to help someone else. Because this thing inside me groomed me to believe that I should take it. To believe that I was stronger than anything that was thrown at me. To believe things didn’t hurt me the same way they hurt other people. But I was so wrong.
When I was first diagnosed as being bipolar, you were there. I lost so many friends because I was officially “crazy.” Peers and adults were afraid of me because they didn’t understand. But you stayed. You accepted me as I was, flaws and all. You didn’t fault me when I had mood swings or when the doctors changed my medication. You didn’t judge me about the scars on my body. You didn’t run when you saw the decapitated dolls strewn about my room with their hand painted heads hanging from nooses in corners. You didn’t ask me why I dressed in all black. You didn’t leave me when I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t even bring myself to speak. When I couldn’t be strong for myself, you were happy to just be there with me and hold me up.
During the times when my medication wasn’t right, or I took myself off of my meds, you were there. I tried to push everyone away. I tried to justify the feelings I had inside me by acting out because then I would at least have a reason for feeling the way I did. That I wasn’t just crazy and irrational. That there was some justification for the turmoil inside my head. I would start fights with my parents, my siblings, my friends and anyone who crossed my path, but you never left my side. No matter how hard I pushed, you stayed with me. When I wanted it all to end, you made me realize that wasn’t the answer because you were always there to stand by me and help me through it.
Junior year of high school I was raped by a boy I considered a friend. When it happened, I didn’t feel scared or sad, I felt defeated and disappointed in myself. How could I not have seen it coming? How could I let that happen? How did I allow myself to let my guard down? I wanted to report it, but his father was a police officer and it was his word against mine. I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ashamed. I didn’t get the help I should have. Instead, I went off the deep end. I had many relationships with many men and women. I was trying to regain the control I had lost. As soon as one of my partners would start getting too close emotionally, I would dump them and move on. No feelings, just control. But this way of living eventually became very lonely. When I finally called you, you were there. You told me that it wasn’t my fault. You told me that I was the victim and he was the “bad guy.” You made me realize that I hadn’t done anything wrong. You also made me see that not all people should be kept at arm’s length. That I could still have faith in humanity because you were there by my side once again, as always.
I remember when you told me that you were moving across the country and I was terrified because you wouldn’t be there anymore. I knew in my heart that it was your destiny, but that didn’t make it any easier. You were meant to fly. To migrate. To roam. To wander. I envy the courage it took to venture out on your own when I was afraid to even go to college out of state. But even though we were miles apart, you never really left. Whether it was days, weeks, or even years, when we found each other again it was like no time had passed. I could call you any time about anything and you would undoubtedly be there.
These are some of the many reasons that you give me hope. I know you roll your eyes when I tell you that miracles are real, but how could I not believe in them when I have you? How could I not believe in miracles when every time I have needed you, you have been there?
We have a friendship with two people walking perpendicular to each other, but somehow, against all odds, staying side by side. So completely different in many of our beliefs and views, and yet joined by our souls. Our auras are complimentary colors, completely opposite yet most beautiful when together. Maybe that’s what this world needs right now. Maybe walking single file isn’t going to change anything. Maybe the answer is walking hand-in-hand. Maybe we need allies on both sides to help people unite. To show them that despite how different we are, we can peacefully coexist if people are just there for each other. No judgement. No fighting. No hateful words. Just be there for your fellow human beings, regardless of whether or not you agree on every little thing.
I didn’t realize as a child that “being there” doesn’t necessarily mean being in a specific location. As I got older and our friendship grew, being there meant that no matter where we were geographically, our hearts and souls were always in the same location, and had been since our very first meeting over thirty years ago. I feel your fear, but I am comforted by the fact that I know, no matter what happens tomorrow, we will have each other. Whatever this world is coming to, we will be there together doing our best to make it better. Our hearts have always been there for each other, and always will be.
...When Friendship Means So Much
You were there for me in my darkest hours, Bella...
We met when we were two years old. In a small town in New Jersey. In a dance class that we had to fight to get in to. But we were both there.
You moved away, but we found each other again in fifth grade. I saw you on the first day of school and bounced over, asking if you wanted to be friends. You said yes and “you” and “I” became “us.” I had no idea at the time that being there, in that moment, would change the rest of my life.
As we became teenagers, I battled many demons. I realized that I was different, but I didn’t know how. I wanted to be a “good” girl, but something inside of me was fighting. I didn’t know at the time that what I was fighting was far beyond anything I could handle on my own, but that didn’t stop me from trying. I was used to fighting for myself. Used to stepping in and putting myself at risk to help someone else. Because this thing inside me groomed me to believe that I should take it. To believe that I was stronger than anything that was thrown at me. To believe things didn’t hurt me the same way they hurt other people. But I was so wrong.
When I was first diagnosed as being bipolar, you were there. I lost so many friends because I was officially “crazy.” Peers and adults were afraid of me because they didn’t understand. But you stayed. You accepted me as I was, flaws and all. You didn’t fault me when I had mood swings or when the doctors changed my medication. You didn’t judge me about the scars on my body. You didn’t run when you saw the decapitated dolls strewn about my room with their hand painted heads hanging from nooses in corners. You didn’t ask me why I dressed in all black. You didn’t leave me when I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t even bring myself to speak. When I couldn’t be strong for myself, you were happy to just be there with me and hold me up.
During the times when my medication wasn’t right, or I took myself off of my meds, you were there. I tried to push everyone away. I tried to justify the feelings I had inside me by acting out because then I would at least have a reason for feeling the way I did. That I wasn’t just crazy and irrational. That there was some justification for the turmoil inside my head. I would start fights with my parents, my siblings, my friends and anyone who crossed my path, but you never left my side. No matter how hard I pushed, you stayed with me. When I wanted it all to end, you made me realize that wasn’t the answer because you were always there to stand by me and help me through it.
Junior year of high school I was raped by a boy I considered a friend. When it happened, I didn’t feel scared or sad, I felt defeated and disappointed in myself. How could I not have seen it coming? How could I let that happen? How did I allow myself to let my guard down? I wanted to report it, but his father was a police officer and it was his word against mine. I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ashamed. I didn’t get the help I should have. Instead, I went off the deep end. I had many relationships with many men and women. I was trying to regain the control I had lost. As soon as one of my partners would start getting too close emotionally, I would dump them and move on. No feelings, just control. But this way of living eventually became very lonely. When I finally called you, you were there. You told me that it wasn’t my fault. You told me that I was the victim and he was the “bad guy.” You made me realize that I hadn’t done anything wrong. You also made me see that not all people should be kept at arm’s length. That I could still have faith in humanity because you were there by my side once again, as always.
I remember when you told me that you were moving across the country and I was terrified because you wouldn’t be there anymore. I knew in my heart that it was your destiny, but that didn’t make it any easier. You were meant to fly. To migrate. To roam. To wander. I envy the courage it took to venture out on your own when I was afraid to even go to college out of state. But even though we were miles apart, you never really left. Whether it was days, weeks, or even years, when we found each other again it was like no time had passed. I could call you any time about anything and you would undoubtedly be there.
These are some of the many reasons that you give me hope. I know you roll your eyes when I tell you that miracles are real, but how could I not believe in them when I have you? How could I not believe in miracles when every time I have needed you, you have been there?
We have a friendship with two people walking perpendicular to each other, but somehow, against all odds, staying side by side. So completely different in many of our beliefs and views, and yet joined by our souls. Our auras are complimentary colors, completely opposite yet most beautiful when together. Maybe that’s what this world needs right now. Maybe walking single file isn’t going to change anything. Maybe the answer is walking hand-in-hand. Maybe we need allies on both sides to help people unite. To show them that despite how different we are, we can peacefully coexist if people are just there for each other. No judgement. No fighting. No hateful words. Just be there for your fellow human beings, regardless of whether or not you agree on every little thing.
I didn’t realize as a child that “being there” doesn’t necessarily mean being in a specific location. As I got older and our friendship grew, being there meant that no matter where we were geographically, our hearts and souls were always in the same location, and had been since our very first meeting over thirty years ago. I feel your fear, but I am comforted by the fact that I know, no matter what happens tomorrow, we will have each other. Whatever this world is coming to, we will be there together doing our best to make it better. Our hearts have always been there for each other, and always will be.