Nevermind - TheRealLJIdol - Week 17
“Nevermind…”
I look at this word and the first thing that comes to mind is grade school. Those moments when I would ask a friend if they thought “so-and-so” might “like-like” me and they would get all giddy. Asking me if I want them to find out, send “so-and-so” a note, ask his friends, and I just giggle and reply, “Nevermind.” Knowing that they will do one, if not all of those things and maybe I’ll find out that “so-and-so” does “like-like” me back. One simple word and a laugh, and my friends were on the case!!
I dig deeper. Searching for a fun way to work this word into a story, but I realize that my initial love for the word was fleeting at best. From where I’m sitting now, “nevermind” no longer carries a fun and exciting feeling. It oozes with frustration, defeat and sadness. It was a fun word though, right? As a kid, there were a lot of fun words. What happened to them? When did they turn ugly? When did they lose their innocent meanings?
“You got written up for having your sister hanging out in the store.”
“But she was my ride and she was only here ten minutes early.”
“As managers, we need to set an example for the other employees.”
“She only came in because she had to buy a few things. Wouldn’t that make her a customer?”
“She is still your sister and it looks bad when you have 'friends' in the store.”
I open my mouth to protest, but the words aren’t coming out.
“Is there something else or can we all get back to work now?”
I want to say,
“I needed a ride because it was my day off and my car is in the shop. You called me in and the only ride I had was her. I wouldn’t have even been able to work today without her.”
I want to say,
“So, when would you like her to PURCHASE things from YOUR store?”
I want to say,
“When you said you wanted to have a 'managers conversation,' did you really mean that you just wanted to 'talk AT me' while YOUR boyfriend stands outside the door waiting to take you to lunch (irony at its best)?”
But instead, frustrated, I say,
“Nevermind. It won’t happen again.”
“I’ve finally made it back down to my high school weight!”
“You are really starting to look skinny, hun. Is it because you’re sick?”
“Not at all! I started watching what I’m eating and I’ve been working out! I actually feel great!”
“You’re getting to be skin and bones. Don’t take it too far. Maybe you should go to the doctor and get some bloodwork done.”
I look down at the floor as my self-esteem drains…
I want to say,
“I’ve made lifestyle changes and I’m trying to be heathier! Shouldn’t you be happy for me?”
I want to say,
“I’ve always been thin. I’m not trying to lose weight. I’m trying to improve my health and get in shape. Don’t you want that for me?”
I want to say,
“Being 'skinny' and being 'healthy/psychically fit' are two different things.”
But instead, defeated, I say,
“Nevermind. I won’t, and I’ll call the office tomorrow for a full work-up.”
“How long was he home before he passed?”
“Eleven days.”
“Did they bring in full-time hospice nurses?”
“No. The nurses only came a couple times a week, but my sister and I were here with him.”
“That must have been rough, but you’ve never been the “emotional” type. Why did you do it if they could have gotten someone else?”
I look at my great-aunt with wide eyes…
I want to say,
“Because I loved him. Because he took care of me and the least I could do was do the same for him.”
I want to say,
“Because it was an absolute honor for this man to ask me to be there for him in such a vulnerable moment. To help him be comfortable and at peace in the end.”
I want to say,
“Why WOULDN’T I agree to do it?!? It was what he wanted and I would do ANYTHING for him!!”
I want to say,
“It WAS rough!! It was the hardest thing I have EVER done. Do you really think I am so heartless that taking care of a person I love, KNOWING that they are going to DIE, didn’t and doesn’t make me sad?!?”
But instead, sadly, I say,
“Nevermind. I have calls to make and more family just got here.”
“Nevermind” has now become an escape word for me. Instead of saying what I really feel, I side-step the conversation and bottle up the emotions it brings. I use it to protect other people’s feelings. I use it to try to be agreeable and not “rock the boat.” I try to pull memories of using that word the way I used to when I was younger, but none come to mind. All that keeps repeating are the many, many times I have let myself down by just conceding. By just saying, “Nevermind.”
I look at this word and the first thing that comes to mind is grade school. Those moments when I would ask a friend if they thought “so-and-so” might “like-like” me and they would get all giddy. Asking me if I want them to find out, send “so-and-so” a note, ask his friends, and I just giggle and reply, “Nevermind.” Knowing that they will do one, if not all of those things and maybe I’ll find out that “so-and-so” does “like-like” me back. One simple word and a laugh, and my friends were on the case!!
I dig deeper. Searching for a fun way to work this word into a story, but I realize that my initial love for the word was fleeting at best. From where I’m sitting now, “nevermind” no longer carries a fun and exciting feeling. It oozes with frustration, defeat and sadness. It was a fun word though, right? As a kid, there were a lot of fun words. What happened to them? When did they turn ugly? When did they lose their innocent meanings?
“You got written up for having your sister hanging out in the store.”
“But she was my ride and she was only here ten minutes early.”
“As managers, we need to set an example for the other employees.”
“She only came in because she had to buy a few things. Wouldn’t that make her a customer?”
“She is still your sister and it looks bad when you have 'friends' in the store.”
I open my mouth to protest, but the words aren’t coming out.
“Is there something else or can we all get back to work now?”
I want to say,
“I needed a ride because it was my day off and my car is in the shop. You called me in and the only ride I had was her. I wouldn’t have even been able to work today without her.”
I want to say,
“So, when would you like her to PURCHASE things from YOUR store?”
I want to say,
“When you said you wanted to have a 'managers conversation,' did you really mean that you just wanted to 'talk AT me' while YOUR boyfriend stands outside the door waiting to take you to lunch (irony at its best)?”
But instead, frustrated, I say,
“Nevermind. It won’t happen again.”
“I’ve finally made it back down to my high school weight!”
“You are really starting to look skinny, hun. Is it because you’re sick?”
“Not at all! I started watching what I’m eating and I’ve been working out! I actually feel great!”
“You’re getting to be skin and bones. Don’t take it too far. Maybe you should go to the doctor and get some bloodwork done.”
I look down at the floor as my self-esteem drains…
I want to say,
“I’ve made lifestyle changes and I’m trying to be heathier! Shouldn’t you be happy for me?”
I want to say,
“I’ve always been thin. I’m not trying to lose weight. I’m trying to improve my health and get in shape. Don’t you want that for me?”
I want to say,
“Being 'skinny' and being 'healthy/psychically fit' are two different things.”
But instead, defeated, I say,
“Nevermind. I won’t, and I’ll call the office tomorrow for a full work-up.”
“How long was he home before he passed?”
“Eleven days.”
“Did they bring in full-time hospice nurses?”
“No. The nurses only came a couple times a week, but my sister and I were here with him.”
“That must have been rough, but you’ve never been the “emotional” type. Why did you do it if they could have gotten someone else?”
I look at my great-aunt with wide eyes…
I want to say,
“Because I loved him. Because he took care of me and the least I could do was do the same for him.”
I want to say,
“Because it was an absolute honor for this man to ask me to be there for him in such a vulnerable moment. To help him be comfortable and at peace in the end.”
I want to say,
“Why WOULDN’T I agree to do it?!? It was what he wanted and I would do ANYTHING for him!!”
I want to say,
“It WAS rough!! It was the hardest thing I have EVER done. Do you really think I am so heartless that taking care of a person I love, KNOWING that they are going to DIE, didn’t and doesn’t make me sad?!?”
But instead, sadly, I say,
“Nevermind. I have calls to make and more family just got here.”
“Nevermind” has now become an escape word for me. Instead of saying what I really feel, I side-step the conversation and bottle up the emotions it brings. I use it to protect other people’s feelings. I use it to try to be agreeable and not “rock the boat.” I try to pull memories of using that word the way I used to when I was younger, but none come to mind. All that keeps repeating are the many, many times I have let myself down by just conceding. By just saying, “Nevermind.”