Liz's Instant Glee-Cap - 5x12 - 100

Mar 18, 2014 22:11

In case you’ve been living under a very, very heavy rock, welcome to Glee’s 100th episode! ONE HUNDRED! DID YOU KNOW?

Yeah, they promoted the hell out of this one, didn’t they? Ah well, I know it’s a milestone and a nice round number, so rock on. I don’t even begrudge the utterly un-creative episode title. (I mean, at least it isn’t “Glease.”)

Anyways, come on in for what I have to imagine is some combination of a class reunion and an Irish Wake for the memory of New Directions.

Mercedes and Rachel voiceover their way down the hall and cannot believe there's no grand reception welcoming them back. Frankly, I do love these girls when they get their Diva on. It ends up with the two of them fighting over Rachel’s central chair in the choir room, which Rachel gets and Mercedes puts on a sugary-sweet facade before saying she’ll make her way to the back of the bus.

Oh, what a delight to see everyone, though. Mike, Brittany, even Quinn and Puck. I’ve missed you. The assignment from Schue, of course, is to reprise a song they’ve done in the glee club. For memories and old times and all of that.

But hey, it’s April Rhodes! Oh god do I love her and her deliciously inappropriate ways. Tina to Marley: “She once taught me how to shoplift meat in my vagina.” Marley’s horrified face is perfection.

“Raise Your Glass” is up first because April can't remember that it was a Warblers song. Haha. Oh, dang, April and Schue singing it? My initial reaction is: sorry, can't hold a candle to the original. And yet, it's still a fun performance, everyone just goofing off in the choir room being silly and awesome, with the occasional shout-out to some of the old dance moves. Welcome to the gigantic nostalgia fest.

It's clearly voiceover day for the alums. Puckerman is no longer a badass, not looking back, now that he's in the Air Force. Except, oh, there's Quinn. Looking so very Quinn. Puck's face as Quinn compliments him is so sweet, but OH MY GOD of course she has a preppy ass boyfriend named Biff. Jesus. Puck looks like he's trying not to puke on him. I concur. Biff is clearly a very rich, very awful person.

Brittany is in a spare classroom doing math on the chalkboard, because that’s her whole life right now, the darling girl and secret math genius. But being a savant is tiring, and Santana thinks they should reunite the Unholy Trinity with “Toxic.” It's... wow. Between the Cheerios uniforms and the burlesque.. whoa. Sexy. Very Bond girl. Biff the schmuck is texting instead of paying attention to his hot ass girlfriend. Half the room calls him on it while Quinn defends him. Sad.

GOD FUCKING BLESS IT'S FONDUE FOR TWO. Brittany has Mercedes and Rachel on and decides to smash the shit out of the tattered remains of the fourth wall. Rachel is on Broadway, working full time and is a full-time student, so isn't it irresponsible to come to Ohio for a week? Britt thinks she doesn't actually live there. Mercedes gets called out on hiding the fact that she can dance. HAHAHAHA. Bye bye fourth wall. Both Mercedes and Rachel claim they're doing “Defying Gravity” for their song of the week and I am indignant on Kurt's behalf.

Quinn is at Breadstix with Biff the Douchebag. Some of the other grads show up and he beckons them over. Holy jesus, he asks them to describe her in one sentence and we get "she's always surprising you" and a callback to the heady days of Skank!Quinn. She tries to cut her friends off and sends Biff out on some errand. Clearly she is just trying to get into some old money and be set, and isn't telling the dude jack squat about her past.

April and Schue are in Sue's office, pulling out the old "April Rhodes Auditorium" bit to save the Glee club. She swears up and down it’s funded in perpetuity.

Time for “Defying Gravity,” and while Mercedes is an amazing addition, I would kill for more Kurt. But they want to vote on who's the major diva award between Mercedes and Rachel. Kurt gets to nail the high note, though, and Blaine's cheer is my favorite thing.

Brittany is re-creating famous chess matches versus Kiki the Voice of her Knockoff iPhone, using the members of the chess club as live-action pieces. Amazing. But Santana thinks this is ridiculous, and wants Brittany to reclaim her love of dance. Brittany is resigned, this is her life now. Just math, all the time.

April congratulates our engaged couple, (squee!) and wants to know when the wedding is. No answer, just enjoying a long engagement. Still she’s thrilled for them, because she's always said the world needs more teen weddings. Conveniently, she has an engagement gift! Flasks for both of them, a sodomy joke, and tells them they'll inevitably get divorced. DELIGHTFUL.

Puck wants to sing, but Santana interrupts to help Britt get her groove back. She sings “Valerie” again in the hopes of getting Brittany out of her seat to dance. Mike is up for it, certainly. It works, thank god, and man did I miss Britt and Mike dancing. We're also reminded that Jake is actually a good dancer and we seldom see it. Ah, the story of wasted potential. They were too busy making him the New Puck to realize he might have been better as the New Mike.

Puck is ready for his turn, now, and takes them to the auditorium to sing to Quinn, and oh, he's doing “Keep Holding On.” Wow, I did not expect Puckerman to give me feels. Oh, they've even got the risers with the originals doing much of the old choreography. Wow. Punches Quinn in the heart, too. She's crying, because she had forgotten all about that song. She's trying so desperately to forget her past.

Time to vote between Rachel and Mercedes, and why are we not even including Kurt in this? Grumble grumble. But first, Santana has some words about Rachel. Rut roh. Santana rants about how awful Rachel is while Kurt feels a migraine coming on. Oh, it's even truth time about Rachel being crowned prom queen. Jesus, clearly this fight isn't going anywhere. Rachel storms off.

Mercedes goes to find a crying Rachel in the bathroom, and man did that Santana rant bring her back. They're both haunted by those voices of high school. But Mercedes has learned to let it motivate her. The two of them can never stay mad at each other for long (remember the one good thing about “Comeback,” the two of them singing “Take Me or Leave Me?”), and before long the teasing turns good natured and they hug it out.

Back in Sue's office, we find out that April's money has run out. Why? Because of all of the ridiculous staging for numbers like "Roar" which are performed for absolutely no one. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, and April's current wealth is under investigation by the SEC. No cash, no Glee.

Which off course means that Schuester yells at APRIL for giving him hope. Instead of, you know, feeling even the slightest bit bad about burning through all of the money they already had. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Schuester. I’m so glad you didn’t suddenly make me like you.

Quinn is confessing some of her past to Biff the Dick, which of course doesn't go well. Puck overhears and starts to come to help, but when Biff snaps and calls her a sult, she... twists his nose? And then Puck gets a few punches in and tosses the guy in the dumpster. Well done.

The vote is finally happening, but then Rachel and Mercedes come in to call it off. And it was a tie, anyways. Super? But in slides Holly Holiday on a buttered floor because there's a FB page dedicated to guests of the Glee club (SHOUT OUT TO COOPER ANDERSON JESUS THIS SHOW IS RIDICULOUS). But we get another ridiculous costume and lesson from Holly, so I’m tickled. I missed you, Holly.

Anyways, Holly has no interest in looking back and singing an old song, so fuck that noise, she's singing the Pharrell Williams song that you knew this show would have to cover. Eh, how can I complain about a song called “Happy?” I can’t. It’s fun, Blaine joins in, and I might even consider downloading it. Holly doesn’t exactly have the same energy as she did a few years ago, though, I’m sorry to say. She seems flat and kind of forced to me.

Puck visits Finn's retired jersey in the locker room, and Quinn shows up (because no one ever bats an eye when a girl shows up in there). Puck wonders aloud if Finn ever forgave them, but Quinn is sure he did. It was all for the best, anyways because Rachel was his soulmate. *sniff*

Puck goes fishing asking who Quinn's is, and Biff is on his way back to Yale by his lonesome. Puck wants to know if there's any reason he shouldn’t leave town, too. He knows who his soulmate is, after all. Quinn says she's terrible at being in a relationship that involves honesty, but Puck says he loves her, and he was the only person she was ever honest with. Puck tells Quinn, just ask me to stay. She can't bring herself to do it and he leaves silently. But she goes chasing after him and there's a smooch. "Stay."

Intercut with this scene is one with Britt and Santana eating churros on the couch next to the choir room. Santana still thinks they're working Britt too hard and she should get to have a life. Speaking of fishing, she drops the word "dating" and then watches to see if there's a reaction. Reaction? Britt leans in for the kiss, but Santana cuts her off and says it's a bad idea.

Britt feels so good around Santana, though, like her body wakes up and she feels like a girl again. Santana has worked so hard to get over her, but Brittany has seen the world and knows she wants to be with Santana. GOD DAMN I might actually become a Brittana shipper after all this time.

Schue brings the originals into the auditorium, to show them where Finn's plaque will hang (since the choir room is no longer). It's sad, and there are no pep talks. Nothing lasts forever, but this group knows how special it all was while they had it. Will cries a bit and I'm sorry but I don't care.

Holly and April are up in the lighting catwalk drinking wine (that seems like a recipe for disaster) and are determined to save this club.

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT'S WHERE WE END? JESUS H CHRIST THIS IS ACTUALLY A TWO-PARTER.

God dammit, Glee. This Irish Wake is apparently going for one more week. Because THERE IS NO CONCEPT OF TIME ON THIS GODDAMN SHOW.

Sorry. This is what happens when you live your life unspoiled. Shit like this jumps out at you.

Okay. So. What did I actually think about this episode? Look, I went into it expecting a Very Special Episode. I expected nostalgia, I expected shout-outs and Easter eggs for the long-time hardcore fans. And in plenty of ways, I think it delivered. Familiar songs and memories made me smile. Seeing the faces I’ve missed in the choir room was a delight. The continued smashing of the fourth wall was as amusing as ever, like half the time the writers are in there just going FUCK IT, let’s talk about the insanity that was Season 3 Quinn Fabray.

But then… I don’t know. It didn’t quite hit the mark. Reprising favorite songs is a dangerous game - they’re already favorites in their existing state, so messing with them gives you a lot more opportunity to go down than up. So let’s quickly go song by song.

“Raise Your Glass” - Fun enough in the choir room, but I have too much attachment to the Warblers’ version to ever seriously consider a version with Will Schuester.
“Toxic” - HOT DAMN GIRLS. I know the original sparked a sex riot, but this was miles better. Well done.
“Defying Gravity” - Rachel is more or less the same, Mercedes is a delight. But I’m sorry, you know full well I’m here for Kurt, and that is a KURT SONG. I wanted to love it, but it sort of makes me angry not to get more Kurt.
“Valerie” - not much different from the original, except Brittany joins in. It was fine, but didn’t feel like a change of any kind.
“Keep Holding On” - Well I’ll be damned. I would never in a million years suspect that the most successful song of the episode was the one sung by Noah Fucking Puckerman. Standing O, Puck. I was sure we’d never see you again after “The Quarterback,” but apparently you still have something up your sleeve.

And it’s not just that the songs were hit or miss. The plot, what there was of it, was really odd. Of all the couples to bring back, we get Quinn and Puck? I don’t dislike them, really, either as individuals or a couple. But I literally thought we’d never see either of them again, so to get thrown back into a romance that they haven’t really had for several years? That they only even hinted at in the final episode of Season 3? Eh. It feels forced to me. I’d be more interested to hear from Mike and Tina, frankly. Brittany and Santana are a slightly more welcome reunion, but it’s still out of the blue since we haven’t heard a peep from or about Britt all season.

And really, it’s not a shock that there’s a last-ditch effort to save the club. But are we SERIOUSLY dragging this out over two more episodes? Good god, just in case you needed another reminder of the absolute wormhole that is this school year, we’re getting what my husband once called a “silly putty breakup.” That teeny little bit just keeps stretching and stretching and WON’T FUCKING BREAK.

Sorry. I’m going to try to shake this off. I don’t *want* to be annoyed. I want to bask in the glory of the nostalgia. I want to remember how different life was for these people a couple of years ago, how much has changed and how much they’ve grown. So I’ll give my biggest kudos of the night to Mercedes and Rachel, who were amazing both when they were fighting and when they understood one another. Love them.

And I am glad for all of the fan-favorite moments, like Fondue for Two, old choreography, casual fun in the choir room, and every little bit of nostalgia I can handle. I’m sure there will be a pile of fun gifs and great background moments.

But overall? This one was over-hyped and isn’t going down as an all-time favorite.

Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 3 of 5 on sheer nostalgia. I kind of want to put it more at a 2.5, but it was too good to see all of those old faces.

Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
Honestly? None at the moment. I may re-watch tomorrow and reconsider, but until there’s a Kurt-only recording of “Defying Gravity,” I’m not chomping at the bit to add these to my playlists.
(Oh, and I went to look on iTunes and it has ALL THE FUCKING SONGS LISTED FOR NEXT WEEK. Tag your fucking spoilers, iTunes. Grr.)

Okay, so clearly I’m in a grumpy mood, arguably more than the episode quite deserves. What did you think, friends? Pull me out of my funk, please?

5x12, episode recaps, 100, tv: glee, season 5

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