A conversation I was having over the weekend came around to the idea of the preconceptions one brings into one's first romantic relationship
( Read more... )
The dumb ones I brought in: --If he loves you, he'll change --You have to forgive him if he apologizes and means it --If you have to tell him what's wrong, he doesn't care enough to figure it out on its own --Love is about sacrifice (mostly by me) --It's your job to take care of him
These eventually were either disproved by experience or morphed into healthier viewpoints.
...if I'm totally honest and try to communicate with her, it will all work out. Interestingly, I finally got it through my thick head that she really wasn't as into me as I was her, she seemed hurt that I would just get all cold a military-like and not still be "just a friend". I didn't date at all for over a year, and, when I did, I kept my cards much closer to the chest, which made the departure a lot less painful. Guess I'm just a hetero-monogamist and not adept at entering/departing relationships.
Girls really don't get it. I can only sort of "read the translation" to understand it now, after decades of dating/marriage/etc.
We clicked, just not entirely. So why not hang out?
To assume otherwise has to suggest that there is no friendship in the relationship, I think.
It's sort of like: "we mucked up this wonderful friendship with this romance, can be back up?" and he's saying, "I wasn't trying to be your _friend._" (yeah, I got that line ;-)
I don't think most people are adept at entering/departing.
Society does a lousy job of letting people socialize in low-stress ways. These days, I spend a good chunk of time with the youth group at church, as a co-ed setting with a bit of adult supervision is something I would have enjoyed more in my teens. Relationships seem to have a way of remembering how far (typically the male) has pushed the sexuality. Wherever the relationship was in its growth when the clothes came off is where it tends to stay frozen. This is why young lads need to be admonished to keep their hormones to themselves (he said, ruefully).
I discovered romances somewhere around eigth grade. This was possibly not a good idea.
The whole "happily ever after" thing gets shoved into girls' heads, thanks to society and Disney. I haven't dated enough, I think, to be know if I've totally outgrown the things that I expected when I was little.
I nevery really got the whole flowers thing. Yeah, I like flowers (although watching them die in a vase is a bit depressing...). But we've gotten to a point of associating flowers with "I did something wrong" which is just a bad association.
Thankfully I'm not overly attatched to that particular stereotype, given the frequency with which I get flowers. I have given them to a guy once (it is sometimes confusing to florists when you ask for a more masculine bouquet, which can be done with reds and oranges in the fall). Hey, he was in a play. You get people in plays flowers.
(no flower icons. Settle for feathers... unless..)
I like the idea of someone buying me flower just because he wants to, but I understand that that's not an actual motive. Making me soup, now, that can be just because he wanted to.
It took me a long time to learn that a fight didn't mean the end of a relationship, and that things like that took work, real work.
i have walked past flower displays at the apropriate holiday and thought i wish i had someone to buy them for , just because giveing flowers is fun. inevitably imalways single when such a mood strikes me though or i wont se my girl for several days and by then the flowers would be dead.
Comments 12
--If he loves you, he'll change
--You have to forgive him if he apologizes and means it
--If you have to tell him what's wrong, he doesn't care enough to figure it out on its own
--Love is about sacrifice (mostly by me)
--It's your job to take care of him
These eventually were either disproved by experience or morphed into healthier viewpoints.
Reply
Interestingly, I finally got it through my thick head that she really wasn't as into me as I was her, she seemed hurt that I would just get all cold a military-like and not still be "just a friend".
I didn't date at all for over a year, and, when I did, I kept my cards much closer to the chest, which made the departure a lot less painful.
Guess I'm just a hetero-monogamist and not adept at entering/departing relationships.
Reply
We clicked, just not entirely. So why not hang out?
To assume otherwise has to suggest that there is no friendship in the relationship, I think.
It's sort of like: "we mucked up this wonderful friendship with this romance, can be back up?" and he's saying, "I wasn't trying to be your _friend._" (yeah, I got that line ;-)
I don't think most people are adept at entering/departing.
Reply
These days, I spend a good chunk of time with the youth group at church, as a co-ed setting with a bit of adult supervision is something I would have enjoyed more in my teens.
Relationships seem to have a way of remembering how far (typically the male) has pushed the sexuality. Wherever the relationship was in its growth when the clothes came off is where it tends to stay frozen.
This is why young lads need to be admonished to keep their hormones to themselves (he said, ruefully).
Reply
The whole "happily ever after" thing gets shoved into girls' heads, thanks to society and Disney. I haven't dated enough, I think, to be know if I've totally outgrown the things that I expected when I was little.
I nevery really got the whole flowers thing. Yeah, I like flowers (although watching them die in a vase is a bit depressing...). But we've gotten to a point of associating flowers with "I did something wrong" which is just a bad association.
Thankfully I'm not overly attatched to that particular stereotype, given the frequency with which I get flowers. I have given them to a guy once (it is sometimes confusing to florists when you ask for a more masculine bouquet, which can be done with reds and oranges in the fall). Hey, he was in a play. You get people in plays flowers.
Reply
I like the idea of someone buying me flower just because he wants to, but I understand that that's not an actual motive. Making me soup, now, that can be just because he wanted to.
It took me a long time to learn that a fight didn't mean the end of a relationship, and that things like that took work, real work.
Reply
Reply
The point is making the gesture or buyig the gift that the recipient will want. I mean, some people are allergic to flowers (not me, but...).
Good thought about the dead part though! Those are less appreciated...
Reply
Leave a comment