So Depressed....

[link_worshiper]

I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I know I've been telling you guys about everything that's been happening lately, but now I feel like I've just hit rock bottom and I can't even stand up. I'm on 12 week medical leave from work at my team leader's urging because my ability to perform my job has just gotten... abysmal. This is my first

Comments

[rurounitriv]

*smacks you upside the head* BAD Link! No wishing you were dead - it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and we'd miss you. Go call the hotline, and then if they don't tell you to get yourself to the nearest mental health clinic, pick up a paintbrush and see if you can't re-focus your mind into something productive.

And yes, I know that depression makes your creativity go to shit (at least it does for me) - do portraits of Heero & Duo or one of your other fandom faves, that doesn't take much in the way of creativity, and you don't have to share it with anyone if it doesn't turn out. Just don't sit there brooding and stay in that bad loop!

[link_worshiper]

Yeah. It's made me mess up at work and all this stuff. I'm trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps and think of the time off as something good, but I'm really scared. Things just seem so up in the air for me right now and I hate worrying about it. And I hate that it feels like I'm just not good enough for people to want to look after... they get annoyed or I'm too much work or something. It's ridiculous especially that my green-haired one is probably one of the more empathetic ears I have, and we've been talking about these feelings a lot lately. What sucks more is that I feel like he is listening to me and being more thoughtful than he's ever been, but there's still something wrong with me that keeps him thinking I'm not good enough to love. Story of my life.

[lawless523]

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that your mood has gone bad after being on the upswing. I'm hoping you're venting your destructive thoughts, not still thinking them.

No one relationship, no matter how important, can or should determine the course of your life. There are always alternatives, even if you don't see them or they don't exist at the time. Hang in there, get more help, and I hope you feel better soon. I've gone through this cycle too, but with more of a mix of physical and emotional/mental. (I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and chronic pain, so I have physical limitations that mostly are invisible on the surface.)

[link_worshiper]

They come and go to be honest. I've been trying to seek help in every avenue I can find, but sometimes the things people tell me aren't always helpful and just make it worse. Not that what you said did, because it didn't, just in case you worried but... some of the things I hear just make it worse. The kicker is that one of the most encouraging, supportive people right now is my green-haired darling. He's been even better about listening and apologizing and all that kind of thing lately. (Last night, I brain barfed how afraid I was of all this change, and how lost I felt, and he just hugged me for a long time when he ran out of things to say.) I guess on the one hand, it is really nice to have such a deep emotional bond with him, but at the same time, I get sad thinking that I'm too fucked up for him to ever love again.

[lawless523]

But no one is too fucked up to ever be loved again. That's a destructive belief. It may, however, be true that the two of you may not work out, but it's not because you're so fucked up that you're unworthy of love. It's because things don't work out, and has as much to do with who he is and his needs and foibles as with you.

I meant professional help, not just from your friends and co-workers. Friends, co-workers, and family have their own problems, and dealing with pain -- your own or someone else's -- is draining. That's part of the reason mental health professionals exist. In some cases, friends and family can't do it all by themselves. Therapy (I'm pretty fond of cognitive behavioral therapy myself), maybe drugs. That kind of thing.

[plitibu]

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[nightshadow_t2]

It’s been a while since you’ve been around here. I hope life has picked up and is going better. I was looking p old favorites from GW fic and made my way over here.