So Depressed....
I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I know I've been telling you guys about everything that's been happening lately, but now I feel like I've just hit rock bottom and I can't even stand up. I'm on 12 week medical leave from work at my team leader's urging because my ability to perform my job has just gotten... abysmal. This is my first day, and I'm on my third day of no sleep with constant anxiety and I don't even know. I had even thought things were getting better because my green-haired darling and I had started being friendly again, but we ended up having an argument because I felt like he was purposefully hiding things from me, in particular that he was still seeing someone. He knew my feelings and he should have put that out there from square one if he was really interested in friendship, especially considering that to me, it felt like the old days when he was trying to win my attention... he's even been obsessively reading my Tumblr (thank you IP tracker). Now I'm just upset that I got upset about the whole thing and told him so; he said I was a negative person that maybe he didn't need in his life, even though I should have understood that it was a big deal he was even reaching out to me at all because he only has four people he was even interested in talking to anymore. And he went on about how shitty he felt about the situation and how hurt he was that I apparently didn't care about all that and I'm just so hurt that he thinks that at all when all I've tried to do is be supportive and good, even at my own expense at times. Our argument ended on a good note, where we agreed to be more empathetic to each other and to start over again. I reached out to him today to be like, 'Hey, I just wanted to make sure we really are good. I really do want to start over and go back to how nice it was for the past week. I just want to be able to work with you on things so we can really move forward and have a real friendship. Friends support each other, so I want to be there for you in a way I'd hope you'd be there for me is all.' I think he's at work so I haven't heard back but it makes me nervous that I've messed everything up. Everything is so wrong. I don't want to do anything anymore except be dead.