Inner Circle [part 4] C.12
PART I V
L O N G L O N G W A Y
Inner Circle
By Lilylilym
Song Mino x Lee Seunghoon. Nam Taehyun x Song Mino
Part I Part II C4 Part II C5 Part II C6 Part III C 7 Part III C8 Part III C9 Part III C10 Part IV C11
12. i n s t a n t c r u s h
I was very, very young when I started rapping. My father is a DJ, and so I emerged myself with all the records that he specifically told me not to touch, “not until you are eighteen”. Being a child as I was, the only reason I could have imagined was that my father didn’t want to share his treasures with me. And I was right, those records were such treasures. I spent hours listening to the language I didn’t understand, the thick and heavy bass that made my heart go numb, the flow of a foreign language that sticked to each other in the most mesmerizing rhythm and rhymes. Before I knew, I started to imitate the way they sounded, with little to no understanding of the meanings.
My parents would only laughed when I performed such songs to them; my father being the always missing person that he was during our dinners would pat my head and tell me not to perform it elsewhere, since the words I just spurred out of my mouth weren’t all that polite. The first English word I learned turned out to be a curse word that was proven helpful in many other circumstances that I’d encountered later on in life.
Now thinking back, it was almost a lifetime ago when I first hung out with the underground crew and attended performances in those small venues of bars and pubs. I was underage, but always managed to sneak in with the help of the hyungs. I wasn’t inclined to perform at first, not until I was eighteen and could properly get in using my real ID. My life as a rapper officially started there. However, it certainly didn’t end there; my path led me to another world, more glamorous, perhaps, but also darker and much brutal. And here I used to think nothing can get darker than a crooked bar with broken backdoors where all the kids got drunk and smoke weed talking shit, from hookup fantasies to broken education system and politics. Life never failed to prove you wrong, one step astray and you would find yourself walking on thorns in a path to a destination that you had no idea.
After failing to debut the first time and to make a name for myself the second time, here I was again, in the front door to YG building, hoping to be inside one day. And in the future, I would - I was just not sure how long it would take and how far I had to go at that time. The length I would go for a secured future, sadly, was much further than I’d expect. I inhaled deeply before opening the door and walk straight to the reception table where I would be told to wait at the hall until my name is called. “Don’t wander too far, in case the director wants to see you right away,” the receptionist lady would say, “but you can take a look around.” I thought about it, but decided not to. If I get in, this sightseeing tour would be unnecessary, but if I don’t, it would only be just another story to tell. And I honestly didn’t need more stories to tell. I needed one to live. So I sit down quietly at the waiting area, constantly swiping my phone screen and jumping from tracks to tracks. I wondered is this would be similar to the ‘job interview’ I had with my previous company. But this is YG, things are bound to be different. I ended up listening to one of my favorite artists that I sampled from a lot; the familiar lyrics and rhythm helped me calm my nerves to a certain extent.
‘I’m just doin’ what I gotta do,
Flyer than the rest of them
Still got my nikes on’
I quickly got excited and started to shake my head along with the heavy beats, not realizing that there was a guy across the hall in one of those closed doors looking at every of my movements. The day I learned who it was, indeed, was the day I understood how cruel a joke of fate could be. Whoever he was, I didn’t learn his name at that time, was a tall guy around my age. His face was shadowed under the snapback so I couldn’t see clearly, and as I would be told, he belongs to a group of trainees which “you might join if you pass the audition.” When I was called into the office and caught his eyes, there was something so strange about the way he looked at me that I never fully understood. Not even now. We exchanged glance for a split of second before I turned around, and without looking back, for some reasons, I felt that he had not broken his glare. The back of my neck felt like it was burning, but I shook it off quickly as I entered the room at the end of the hall. I almost constantly forgot this fast encounter, as it never occur to me that there would be one day when the mere thought of this moment would be such a humble and bitter experience.
* * *
I was admitted after the director told me how satisfied he was with my skill, and that ‘I would very well fit in with the existing group they already formed.’ I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it - after all, I understood so well how hard it must be to adapt to a team that had been practicing with each other - and how hostile they might be toward a new guy who didn’t have to go through years of painful training but could claim a spot. With such heavy thoughts in my head, I pulled the door to the studio, rehearsing in my head the introduction that would sound lame no matter how I tried to revise. I have seen pictures of the guys and heard one or two things about them. They were lacking a main rapper position, and I would fill in that spot. But there was a rapper in the band already, who came from one of those survival reality TV shows that I abhorred. But I too, shall stop having opinions about stuff, because they always ended up what I had to go through. What would I feel though, I thought to myself, if I was a rapper in a band that was said to ‘lack a main rapper.’ My speculation was that, whoever that guy was, he is not gonna like me. Along with the rest of the guys who have been training at YG for years. There was that famous guy Kang Seungyoon, whom I known as a rocker. There were those other trainess, Nam Taehyun and Kim Jinwoo, whose looks were telling me that we would have a very, very difficult time getting along.
His name is Lee Seunghoon. Twenty year old, almost turning twenty-one. The first time I met him, I was so impressed with the effortless humorous attitude that he had. When I walked into the practicing room, he was the first one to greet me while the rest was just looking up and down as they mumbled their hellos. A little too warm for a welcome, I hid my scoff as I reached my hand out, but Lee Seunghoon casually grabbed my hand and turned it into a pound hug. He slightly tapped on my back as he cheerfully said:
“Hello there, ain’t you a macho one. Look at how built and tanned you are.”
I was taken aback at his comment, but the tense air in the room was loosening thanks to that, as I heard the other guys laughing:
“Hyung, stop being so thirsty. Give the guy a break, Jesus.”
“I’m just saying, Look at all your skinny asses, we need some real men here to seduce the lady fans.” Seunghoon let go of me and joined the group. The guy with long hair, Nam Taehyun, elbowed him jokingly, “hyung I’m not that skinny, it is just my deceptive pretty face.” The other guy, who was also dazzingly pretty, laughed out loud at his remark.
“Maknae please, you’re not skinny but you’re not muscular either. You still haven’t gotten rid of them baby fat.”
Things instantly became chaotic, as the guys seemed to forget that I was in the room making my introduction. While I was awkwardly standing there, Kang Seungyoon was the second to extend his arm to shake my hand. After that, Kim Jinwoo took my hand with both hands, and Nam Taehyun nodded at me. I would have thought he was the oldest amongst the group with that attitude, but I learned quickly that he was just a spoilt maknae who had a reputation of getting things the way he wanted. The one you should look out for. I never quite understood why, it seemed like the younger guy was not the type. At least to me. But that was another story.
And there he was, Lee Seunghoon, who retreated as soon as he broke the tension in the room to let me in. I could easily have forgotten that he was the first one to welcome me, because he would stop talking all along and just silently sat at the corner of the room with his earphones on, only responding when others called for him. Jinwoo was sitting closely to him; they would sometimes exchange some whispers and laughs. Quite a clique you got there, buddy, I thought. For some reasons, that scene bothered me more than it should. But I was occupied with the constant chit-chat of Seungyoon who would ask me to play and perform some of my mixtapes. The first meeting ended well. I had some errands to run, so I excused myself after receiving the schedules from the group. As I was leaving the room, I felt that gaze again, the same feeling that I had on that day when I first came to audition. But as always, I shook it off and abruptly left without thinking much. I should have known that I was only thinking I did.
Because soon enough, that gaze became mine.
* * *
There was something strange about Lee Seunghoon. Everyone who knows him would agree with that. The guy doesn’t have any vocal skills, as other trainees in the company sometimes mentioned in their gossiping sessions - a comment that somehow got me quite unreasonably upset, given how little I knew about Seunghoon. But when it came to dancing, he would be at the level of the paid choreographers that the company hired to train us. Seunghoon was also the guy who made a big presence in the room whenever he decided to, and disappeared into the corner just as quickly to the point people easily forgot he was even there. There were instances where people would talk in front of him without realizing, but Seunghoon never said anything. I kept the urges to defend him to myself the first few times, as I took note in my mind that this is a competitive place. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. People around you could be your band mate or could be the worst enemies - there’s no need to stand up for anybody if you are not sure which one they are going to be.
The one time I couldn’t help it but to mention that ‘making it to top 4 of that reality TV show despite having any talents is a goal to strive for,’ people stopped talking instantly. From the corner of the room, Seunghoon would nod at me, with his earphones on and everything. I then learned that either he had a sixth sense or that he never actually listened to any music even when he appeared so. It was just a way he used to excuse having to deal with people. I was expecting to get a proper thank you from him for what I did, but I never got any. I wasn’t the type to be upset about such thing - but for some reasons, I did.
I did for quite a bit, while trying to confront myself about why I would have such feelings, Until a few days later when Seunghoon came up to me and asked me to help him with his rap. “I’m not good with pronunciation and accent, everyone knows that.” He calmly said. “So thank you for standing up for me, but they weren’t quite wrong.”
“That was such shitty though,” I exclaimed. “You were right there in the room. They could have been nicer about it.”
Seunghoon smiled. His eyes turned into a crescent moon shape, and I wonder why that would make such an impact on me. “They were being nice for talking in front of me, Minho.” He slightly smirked. “When people decided to talk behind your back, that’s when they stop being your friends.”
“So,” He simply said again, “thanks for standing up for me. But would you help me to improve my skill?”
When his earnest eyes look at me as he tenderly spoke, I started to realize why I was having such a hard time with him around. I, too, should stop brushing off the goosebumps I always had whenever Lee Seunghoon was talking to me.
“You know,” I said to Seunghoon as I reluctantly wrapped my arm around his shoulders as we headed to the studio (and the guy was just as reluctant to put his arm around my lower back), “there was one song that always gave me the strength to go through all the shittiness life got to offer.”
“Which is?” He asked.
“I gotta do what I gotta do, flyer than the rest of them, still got my nikes on.” I rapped to him the very song that I was listening to the first time - the real first time I met him. Seunghoon turned to look me in the eyes and slightly chuckled.
“Funny you said that.” He pointed at our feet. “We both have our nikes on. We too shall fly higher than the rest of them.”
For from that point on, I knew that this feeling, whatever it was, is only going to get worse.
./.