Inner Circle [part III] C.7
PART I I I
C R I M S O N
Inner Circle
By Lilylilym
Song Mino x Lee Seunghoon. Nam Taehyun x Song Mino
Part I Part II C4 Part II C5 Part II C6 Part III C 7
6. y o u w h o k n o w n o t h i n g o f l o n e l i n e s s
That night, when Mino left the small apartment located 5 minutes away from YG building, he knew that it was the last time he'd ever be there. Just three hours ago, everything seemed so normal; they went to a TV station, they had to record a show, they went home at four in the afternoon, Seungyoon was happily going out with his college friends, Jinwoo stayed in for a soap opera marathon and Taehyun went shopping. Mino went to meet Seunghoon in his apartment, and as usual, they spent the rest of the evening here. There was nothing new, except that after this, there would not be another time things could ever happen in that order. They would still have schedules and days off, the members would still go out, have fun, or stay in to watch movies, but Mino wouldn't find himself walking on this familiar street, follow this distinct path that leads to this specific place again. Funny how life took its turn in a strange way. One word, and what has been for so long could easily be replaced, discarded, forgotten; life vanishes even when everything stays the same, same old conversations, same old people, even the sky has the same color, but for the people living in it, everything is never the same again.
Today, he asked Seunghoon to stop whatever was happening between them.
Without a second thought, Seunghoon agreed to it. Strangely, that hurt him more than he could imagine. He tried to ask Seunghoon, why didn't you say anything, well knowing that he wasn't at a position to ask.
Mino has thought about this - the idea of breaking up - for more than once. Every time, he felt a little different. There were days when it seemed like he didn't need to see Seunghoon for the rest of his life and he would be perfectly fine with it. There were days when it was suffocating just thinking about it. There were days the idea was estranged to him like a floating seaweed on a strange shore amongst restless tides; reflecting on their relationship caused him an out-of-body experience in which he could visibly see himself sitting on his chair - elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands, or walking around in his small room, or continuously inhaling smokes in the parking lot; all the while, his face etched with shadow and deep thoughts. Dazed and confused, lost and anxious, wounded and in love; wandering amongst those thoughts, Seunghoon was the image of his fear.
He remembered mama always tells him that it is hard to be in love. Mama has never been in love, even though she had him and his sister - but she wasn’t in love, and it is okay, because she had them. Mama would tell him that no matter how old people are, they would forever be too young for love. And that sometimes what we think of as love will not necessarily be something beneficial. “But ain’t you lonely,” he asked, “spending time by yourself and not with someone else?” Mama would smile at him, her soft hand tenderly patting his head, “it depends on how you define loneliness. I am alone, but I am not lonely.” Mino wouldn’t understand it then, but as time goes by, he went through too many moments in life when he could identify the differences between the two. He wasn’t alone, but he sure was lonely. The excitement and mesmerization of a young crush would pass away too quickly too easily, and most often times, he would be left asking himself why he couldn’t get out of that suffocated feeling of being utterly alone.
Loneliness. It was what someone with such honest eyes and loud laugh like Mino shouldn’t have. It was what someone with such bright personality and quick wit like Seunghoon shouldn’t have. But for some reasons, the two boys came together, looking like they were okay, and entered too quickly a relationship. Mino didn’t realize it then, how not okay it was when he was too obsessed with Seunghoon, that a moment not touching or seeing him would drive him mad. He told himself that it was a young crush, that after a while when he could be certain about their relationship, it would change. But it didn’t. It got worse - his obsession turned into anxiety, jealousy, and then doubt. He doubted when Seunghoon wouldn’t want to hold hands in public - regardless of his obviously reasonable excuse - they were in public. He doubted when Seunghoon retreated to his own room and not engaging with his confrontations. “I’m tired,” he would said, “can we do this later?” That night, Mino crushed the mirror in his room with his palms, but he felt better right away when Seunghoon kicked the door open running to him. The image of Seunghoon rushing to find him, his horrored and painful eyes when looking at Mino’s bleeding palms, for some reasons, eased up his nervousness. Mino was happily convinced that he was just thinking too much. Seunghoon kept staring into his wound for the rest of the night.
“You are a tender kid.” Seunghoon then said, his eyes fixed on him, one hand holding his hands on his laps, the other caressing the side of his face. Mino would never be able to get over how that small gesture intrigued such mixed emotions in him. “I don’t know what it is, but you wanted me so damn much, and that scared me a little.” Upon hearing, Mino smiled guiltily while fighting the urge to break the moment and pulling Seunghoon into a long, deep kiss. He did anyway, despite the scratches on the inside of his fingers; the blood marks violently tainted the older one’s cheek. He cupped Seunghoon’s face in his hands, whispered in between kisses, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He ignored Seunghoon’s uncertain eyes, pretended that there was nothing broken, not the mirror, not their kisses, not his soul. Seunghoon’s white skin was painted in red, his eyelashes trembled; he reluctantly broke their kisses after a while and murmured:
“This is the last time, okay.” He wiped his lips. A hint of red followed his knuckle. “We’re not doing this in our dorm.” Receiving the wet tissues from Mino, he silently cleaned up and left the room, leaving the younger one with the shattered pieces of glass. Mino would then take care of his own palms. They never talked again about that incident, but once in a while Mino would catch Seunghoon staring at his hands a few seconds too long, only to turn away quickly once he realized Mino was paying attention. It was also the only time Seunghoon would break his rule of “never do anything when they’re at home”. Mino, too, wouldn’t try anything again to confront Seunghoon about it.
It was addictive, kissing Seunghoon and feeling his breath in his lips, running his fingers in his soft, messy hair. He couldn’t understand his own feelings, anything was enough and everything was not enough. Seunghoon to him is like a drug, the kind of drug that will ease his anxiety but a little too much would destroy him. The narcotics that heal but more often than not will end up taking its patients's life.
Mino didn’t realize it then. Love is not supposed to make you hurt yourself.
Nor would it make you okay with that.
* * *
The first time Mino met Seunghoon, he was so impressed with the cheerful boy who cracked jokes so easily and effortlessly. For the first time in his life, he met someone that could make him laugh so hard his stomach hurt. The admiration soon turned into confusion when he realized he wanted more from Seunghoon than just a few laughs. The more they spent time together, the more comfortable they became. Seunghoon eagerly joined him in every silly activities he came up with. Mino showed him all the rapping techniques and let him borrow all his old mixtapes. He was so, so happy when Seunghoon gave him feedbacks, praised him, and asked him to help fixing his pronunciations.
“Your Busan accent is cute.” Mino once said to a very frustrated Seunghoon who was told by the teacher that his voice was just not fit to do Hip-hop. “You don’t need to change your voice for him. Just find a way to make it work.”
Seunghoon scratched his head:
“I tried, but my tone is too high. I wanted to have deeper voice, like yours. Your tone is so cool.”
Mino smiled upon his comment, but managed to hide his obvious content:
“Well, to be fair, I have been doing this for quite a while. You’ll get better.” He proceeded to look at Seunghoon’s lyrics and explained. “The trick was to make strong words that require clear pronunciation rhyme if you haven’t got a flow yet. It will create natural rhythm for your flow. Try with simple 4/4 beat first, before you go for long sentences.” Mino then demonstrated some of Seunghoon’s parts.
“Dude you’re so cool.” Seunghoon would grab his shoulders in excitement, his head got too close to Mino’s and it would make him stutter a bit. “I freaking love your voice.”
“LOL. Okay, take it easy.” Mino laughed to cover his nervousness. “You can create a fake voice too when rapping. Did you notice how I sometimes use that growling voice to make special effect? That ain’t my natural voice, so instead of thinking that you have to change your voice, think of the sounds you want to make. That will be your rapping or singing voice.”
“Oh shit. I didn’t know that.” Seunghoon enthusiastically exclaimed. Mino wanted to laugh but he stopped himself. Of course you wouldn’t know, silly, he thought to himself. You just started to learn. The thought that he would be Seunghoon’s private rap tutor entered his mind; strangely, he enjoyed it a little bit too much.
“Okay kiddo you’re gonna be my private tutor alright?” Seunghoon pointed his pinky finger at him, and Mino tried to keep his cool while offering his little finger. He was startled when the cheerful one quickie entwined his finger with his and pulled him into a big hug. “Thank you soooo much. Hyung will forever be in debt of you!”
“It’s alright hyung. Such exaggeration. Forever is a long time.” Mino shyly responded. He, too, couldn’t help but smiling at Seunghoon’s childish expression.
“Lee Seunghoon does what his highness promises. So you better kept yours.” His hyung winked at him and they both laughed.
There went the fun days that soon got dark because of the stressful competition that came shortly after.
Now thinking about that, there was something already falling apart during those painful days that Mino then never realized. When Mino found Seunghoon alone in the restroom, blood profusely blotted into the handkerchief Seunghoon pressed against his nose and dripped onto the sink, he was too freaked out to realize that it was not at all an anomaly. It was something that would be constantly kept deep down by Seunghoon’s regular jokes.
Seunghoon, he knew pain. He knew it too intimately to ever show it.
Mino should have known that with people like Seunghoon, you should never expect him to let you into his head.
But then again, wasn’t Mino the same way?
./.