Seasons' Greetings 2011 ♥ A Gift for herbeautifullie [2/2]
Title: Not Singular Except in Syllable
Author: glitterandsmut
Recipient: herbeautifullie
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 10,1780
Warnings: Mild Language
Summary: Important moments in each of the Marauders' lives.
Author's Note: Many, many thanks go to the wonderful maryfic for being a rockstar beta. I own none of the characters here, not even the ones mentioned in the twisted Black family tree. The Potters might not be cannon compliant, but I like to think they were. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!
( Part 1)
Peter wasn't one for romantic entanglements. Other than a few kisses and some brief fumbling, the sum of his knowledge on such things only extended to the stories his friends relayed. So it was with considerable consternation and horror that he found himself wedged underneath the Charms professors' desk, while the two students snogging on top of it did their best to expand upon the subject.
He cursed his entire situation, Sirius Black for taking James' invisibility cloak, and most especially the two randy idiots on the desk. Shifting his knees in an effort to get more comfortable against the stone floor, Peter peered around for a way, any way, to get out of there.
To his vast relief, and just in time by the heated sounds of things, the door opened and an amused feminine voice sounded in the classroom.
“Williams and Hill, what would Professor Flitwick say?”
There were some scrambling noises as the two lovebirds put themselves to rights and Peter grimaced. Thankful as he was for being rescued for their display, he would have rather gone without knowing the faces that went along with the noises.
“As much as I really don’t care what you do on your spare time, I’m sure there’s a better place and time to do it. Go on, up to your dorms, curfew and all that tosh.”
Peter didn’t dare peek around the desk, but there was just enough room between the bottom of it and the floor that if he laid one ear flat to the ground he could see a bit of the room. There was some grumbling and huffing and a bit of embarrassed shuffling as the snogging couple exited the room, but the girl remained inside the classroom. She sighed and Peter could make out a prefect’s badge pinned to her robes. She moved closer and he felt a rising panic with every step she took towards the front of the room. What possible explanation could he give if she found him without looking like some sick pervert?
James could talk his way out of anything and after almost five years of being mates with him one would think some of that might rub off. Unfortunately it looked like that was just a false hope.
The girl came to stand right in front of the desk and Peter cowered, tucking himself into as small of a ball as he could manage. He cast a thought toward his animagus form but discarded the idea. He was still too inexperienced to pull it off successfully and the sound of effort might just attract her attention. He watched in horror as she crouched down to pick up the objects that had been knocked off the desk. As she replaced them the door to the classroom opened for a second time.
“Severus?”
“Lily, you came.”
There was a pregnant pause and Peter cursed his luck. If only he just eaten his Honeydukes sweets instead of going down to the kitchens, he wouldn’t be stuck here with his knees aching and forced to listed to whatever serious conversation that was about to take place.
“Of course I came,” Evans replied with false lightness. “Why wouldn’t I come? I mean, we’re friends, it’s not like lately you’ve been keeping our friendship your dirty little secret.”
Snape flinched. “Of course we’re friends. I just meant I wasn’t sure you would. Lately you’ve been… well.” Peter didn’t care what she’d been, nor did he particularly want to know, but he figured James might.
“I’ve been what, Severus? Upset? Disappointed? Overreacting?”
“It didn’t mean anything. The lads are just-”
“That’s it!” Lily said exasperatedly, and not in an affectionate way. “You always make excuses for your nasty friends. You know how I feel about them. Since you’ve become all chummy with Rosier and Wilkes, I barely know you anymore.”
“I-”
“I know what you and your friends did to McKenna Green.” Evans continued in a quieter voice. “It was horrible. Severus, how could you do that? Especially after the hard time she’s been having with her parents-”
“It was just a joke; just for laughs. It’s not like we did anything to her that Potter and his friends wouldn’t have done.” A bite of acid joined in with the desperate note in Snape’s voice.
“And that’s another thing. I don’t understand why the two of you just can’t ignore each other. He’s not so bad, Severus.” Peter was shocked to hear the slight pleading tone in Evans’ voice. He hadn’t been aware there was any change in her regard for James. As far as he knew she’d maintained a healthy disgust for him. Apparently that wasn’t the case.
“Not so bad? How can you, of all people, stand there and tell me he’s not so bad?”
“He’s a tosser, I know. But there’s more to him than that, I’m sure of it. How else could you explain why he’s got such great friends?”
“More to him? More to him?” Snape sputtered. “There’s nothing more to Potter than a fat Gringotts vault and a wand. As for Black, he’s nothing but an inbred bedlamite. And those other two aren’t even worth mentioning, just a couple of sycophants.”
“Remus happens to be my friend, and you’re wrong about Potter. He’s really rather all right.” She trailed off uncertainly and the silence was frosty.
“Been hanging around Potter, have you?” There was a silky edge to Snape’s voice that sounded more dangerous than his earlier anger.
“And what if I have? We’re in the same house; we see a lot of each other. Isn’t that the same as what you said to me?”
“No,” He replied sharply. “It most decidedly is not.”
“You’re right,” Evans replied quietly. “It’s worse. No matter how stupid or immature, at least he and his friends don’t actually hurt people.”
“Don’t actually hurt people?” Snape’s voice was raised in anger, again. “Are we talking about the same git in your house? What about all the shit he’s done in the last five years?”
“Pranks! They were all just stupid, childish pranks, Severus. Can’t we just move on?”
“He’s brainwashed you.” The incredulity was almost tangible. “I can’t believe he’s gotten to you, too.”
“He hasn’t done anything, Severus. Why can’t you just admit that people grow up; people change. Maybe it’s time you did as well.” She brushed past Snape towards the door, but Severus’ soft voice stopped her from completely exiting.
“He’ll disappoint you.” he said, with a complete lack of emotion. “He might seem okay on the surface but pretty soon he’ll disappoint you. And then you’ll see just how horrible he really is.”
She left and Snape viciously kicked one of the chairs before sinking down into one with his head in his hands.
Peter bit his lip and waited until Snape left before uncurling his stiff body and racing back up to his dorm. Remus was flipping through a textbook and glanced over at him curiously as Peter flopped face down on his bed.
“You were gone for ages. Are you all right?”
Peter groaned into his pillow. He was silent for a long moment before deciding what to say. “Remus, am I a sycophant?”
Remus looked amused. “Peter, would a sycophant be able to complete an animagus transformation at the same time as James and Sirius?”
“I didn’t though,” Peter mumbled. “I still can’t get it right. And they always helped me loads, you know that.”
Remus sighed. “Just trust me, Peter; I know how it is to feel like just a hanger-on.”
Peter turned his head to the side to look at Remus. “But that’s different. You’ve got your problem and even still you’re just like Padfoot and Prongs. At the heart of things you’re all adventurers and I’m the bloke telling you all to be careful.”
“Caution has its uses as well, Wormtail. We’d be a mess without it.” Remus tried, but in the end Peter went to bed with a sense of dissatisfaction. It didn’t help when Sirius and James came crashing in a little while later, laughing over whatever shenanigans they’d been up to that night.
The next morning found Peter in an even worse mood. On his way to breakfast he’d overheard a group of girls twittering on about his friends, most particularly Sirius. It was nothing new, girls were always talking or giggling about Sirius, but what made it different was that after discussing the merits of his friends’ features they’d included him in the conversation. To say the least, it was not flattering.
“I don’t understand why they let him hang around; he’s nothing but a bumsucker.” One of the girls scoffed as the other sniggered.
Peter slunk into the great hall and plopped himself down at the Gryffindor table. The other marauders were already working their way through breakfast. Nothing looked particularly appetizing, but he spooned himself a bowl of porridge anyway. Remus shot him a sympathetic look as Peter dragged his spoon through his bowl without taking a bite.
“Peter, you’ll never believe what we found last night. Sirius-” James started excitedly, but Peter was in no mood to hear about the fantastic things he obviously had no part in.
“James, I’d rather not listen to it right now. Thanks,” he interrupted; scooping up some porridge and watching it dribble back into the bowl. James exchanged a confused look with Sirius.
“Well, all right. But we were waiting for you to get started. That’s why we came back so early last night.”
Peter snorted. “Why would you need me? You and Sirius are perfectly capable of pulling off pranks on your own. Don’t need my help.” He half mumbled. Peter knew he was being a prick, but at that moment he didn’t really care.
“What a load of bollocks, of course we need you. What the hell do you think we keep you around for, decoration? We need your sneak skills. Wouldn’t go very far without them, would we?” Sirius scowled in annoyance and reached for his morning coffee. “Stop being a git, you sound like Snivellus.”
Remus grinned and Peter felt his lips quirk upwards in an answering smile. Sirius wasn’t gentle but he had a way of getting to the heart of things.
James poured Peter a glass of pumpkin juice from across the table. “We don’t let just anyone call themselves a marauder, you know. We wouldn’t trade you in for two more of me or Sirius.” James winked at him. James Potter always seemed to come off as one of the most self absorbed people to anyone who didn’t know him, but sometimes it even surprised Peter how much the bloke actually saw.
“Possibly Remus,” Sirius said, contemplatively.
“And we didn’t call ourselves marauders,” Remus said wryly. “It was Professor McGonagall who did. You just decided to use it because you know it drives her mad.”
James grinned at him. “Well, yeah, but that’s just a perk, I swear.”
It was stupid, or at least it should have been. It was such a small, stupid thing to get emotional over. If any of them knew how much their words meant to him, they didn’t show it as they went back to eating their breakfasts and joking over inconsequential things.
Peter’s eyes began to water and he looked down into his porridge, sniffing as he ducked his head to hide his tears. Sirius began to get that look of unease and Peter, well aware of Sirius’s lack of patience for tears, attempted to eat and alleviate them.
“All right, Peter?” Sirius asked, still eyeing him with suspicion. Peter gritted his teeth as he swallowed a thick, painful lump of gratitude, relief, and porridge as Sirius continued with hesitation. “You’re not…?”
“No!” He gasped before Sirius could continue. “No, it’s just-” Peter searched for something to describe the coalescing happiness building up in his chest and welling from his eyes. His face crinkled up as tears began to flow down his cheeks. “It’s just the best damn porridge I’ve ever had.” He choked out before bursting into tears as he fled the great hall, leaving behind said porridge and an astonished looking Sirius.
James dumped another heap of eggs onto his plate as he shook his head. “Well thank Merlin he didn’t get to the waffles yet. Can’t imagine what he’d do after a bite of those.”
James had to wonder about bad habits. So much had changed in his life over his sixth year but the things that remained constant were the bad habits he’d accumulated. He still dog-eared his pages, he couldn’t leave his hair alone, he was still in love with Lily Evans, and he still brooded about it all. Well, not so much the pages. But certainly about the hair bit.
Everyone had already gone to bed and the resounding silence in the common room suited his mood. All the candles were unlit, the only source of light coming from the crackling fireplace.
“Why is it that every time I find you alone you’re always in a dark room?”
James looked up to see Sirius saunter in through the portrait hole and collapse into the armchair next to him. He reached up to completely unknot his already loose school tie, something that he rarely wore. The last time James had seen Sirius wear a tie properly had been at a Beltane gathering before Hogwarts.
Sirius didn’t say anything, recognizing James’ need to brood. Instead, he brought his feet up to rest on the coffee table in front of him, slouching further into the armchair. James knew for a fact that Sirius had perfect posture, but he was always slouching or sprawling or leaning, as though these little everyday rebellions were just one more way to wave two fingers at his family.
They sat there in silence, James staring into the fire and Sirius thinking about whatever it was he was thinking about. James sighed and Sirius looked over at him. There was a pause that was broken by, “Exploding snap?”
“Yeah.”
Sirius summoned the common room cards, a special deck the Marauders had enhanced to shoot minor spells and insults in their third year. They’d donated the deck to the common room, a contribution to the betterment of young society, where it was still popular among third years.
They were quiet as they played, dodging and brushing aside various sparks and verbal abuse until James set his cards down.
“Minger!” The cards squeaked up at him.
Sirius spoke before James could start. “She used to fancy you a bit in fifth year, you know.” He said, looking over his cards casually.
James blinked. “What?”
“Halfway through fifth year,” Sirius drew another card from the deck. “I thought for certain it would have happened back then, but she was so upset over Snivellus. No surprise there, the two of you seem to get off on torturing each other.”
“Bollocks!”
James opened his mouth to defend himself but Sirius cut him off. “No, I don’t even want to try to understand it. I’m buggered in the romance department and you know it. But either way, it wasn’t going to happen in sixth year either.” Sirius had given up his pretense of playing and sat staring at his cards instead. “I won’t deny I was brassed off with the bint last year; you had enough going on without all her shit on top of it. But she was good for you, she was there when I wasn’t.” He admitted grudgingly.
“Knackers!”
Sirius fixed James with a look. “It didn’t happen in fifth year, and it didn’t happen last year, and it’s a damn good thing it didn’t. If the both of you hadn’t gone through all that rubbish you’d never be in a place to forgive the people you used to be.” Sirius set down his cards and stretched his arms out nonchalantly. “I ought to know, you forgave me.”
They sat there in silence, the game forgotten. James glanced back a Sirius. “Barmpot.”
Sirius snorted. “Pillock.”
“Plonker!”
One of the cards let out a bang and smoke wafted from the deck. Sirius fanned the smoke away from his face. “Oh bugger, off. You’ll be late for rounds, Head Boy. Give our love to the Head Girl and don’t balls it up.”
James cracked a grin at him and rose to leave.
“It’ll happen, Prongs.” Sirius said as he too rose to go in the opposite direction. “You’ve got better luck this time.”
James watched his friend bound up the boys’ staircase and shook his head as he turned to ascend the stairs to the portrait. He was meeting Lily outside of the great hall and he knew he was already late. He thought about Sirius’ words on the way down, and they left him feeling slightly nostalgic. Lily was waiting for him, her hands smoothing over her skirt. She looked sweet and feminine, and pretty, as always.
It was the night before all the students were to leave Hogwarts for Christmas hols, and as no prefect wanted to deal with the ensuing excitement it was left to the head boy and girl to do patrols. But the castle was quiet, unusually so.
“You were a complete plague on me.” James said flatly.
“I was a plague? I’m fairly certain it was you who was completely beastly all those years.” Lily said primly. James shook his head.
“Well, can you blame me? You, a muggle born from nothing and nowhere, you came in here and you told me exactly what you thought of me. I’ve never met anyone with more audacity than you, Lily Evans.”
“For your information, I’m from Surrey. And someone had to do it.”
He laughed.
It had taken him a year to figure out just what he felt for Lily Evans, and it had taken her longer to figure out how they both fit together. James was convinced that they would be something glorious.
But they weren’t there yet, and he knew it.
“So, Surrey?” James said lightly, and a thousand things were both said and unsaid.
“Yeah,” Lily replied, the same strain in her voice that had been there for weeks. “It’s a quiet place. Not much excitement, but its home.”
They were silent, something stretching taut between them in the velvet darkness. They rounded into an empty corridor, the large windows casting shadows and bathing long stretches of stone floors in moonlight. All was quiet except for the sound of their footsteps, and James took a brief moment to watch her legs move curiously in sync with his. His mother had once told him that when two people stepped in tandem, their chemistry was well matched.
As they came to an open air corridor, Lily stopped. He gave her a curious glance as she took a breath, looking up at the moon as though asking for courage. James took the opportunity to admire the soft freckles across the bridge of her nose, slowly fading from her leftover summer abroad. He’d often imagined counting them, placing soft kisses over every one. And quite suddenly, he knew what had to be done.
“Don’t.” His voice was rough with emotion and it caused a small line to appear between her eyebrows. He brought his hand up to her cheek, his thumb smoothing over the small line and one delicately arched eyebrow.
Lily’s lips had parted, her deep green eyes reflecting a forest of stars as she stared up at him. Something snapped inside of his chest, a sharp twang and a rushing awful pain. He stepped into her, she stepped back, her eyes never leaving his face. He moved forward until his body pressed hers back into a pillar, feeling her shiver at every point of contact. Slowly, he leaned forward until his shadow blotted out the stars in her eyes and left them dark and so very deep he fell into them.
The kiss in itself was just a kiss, but the reality of it was so much more. Their lips met, cool from the night air, warming as they melted into each other. It was weeks of tension and the driving question of more. It was an entire summer of exchanged letters and bone deep wanting. It was a year of anguish, forgiveness, and leaving childhood behind. It was the story of a spoiled boy who knew nothing of the real world and the vivacious girl who dared to tell him no.
He kissed her softly, the air rushing through his head as a spark ignited. The kiss deepened into something desperate as she let out a small whimper, her arms wrapping around his neck and her legs hooking over his hips as he lifted her up against the pillar for easier access. He pressed into her and her legs locked around him, his hands in stroking over her hips and down her thighs. She made a sound at the back of her throat as his hands ran upwards over her silhouette, coming up to frame her face and smooth her hair back, running his fingers through the soft strands as he tilted her head to the side. Her fingertips dug into his back and one of her hands fisted in his hair. Closer and closer, her body wrapped around him as he tried to press deeper into her, and still it was not close enough.
James was the first to break the kiss, his head ducking down to rest on her shoulder as he placed soft kisses over her neck, a murmur spilling from his lips. It wasn’t until he heard her whisper his name that he realized he’d been saying her name over and over again.
James released her slowly and they both shuddered as her body slid down the length of his. He was loath giving up the feel of her and remained pressed against her, holding her to him.
“James,” she murmured his name, a soft sigh. “We can’t do this now.”
He nodded against her shoulder and straightened, resting his forehead against hers. “I know you need time. And you know I’ll be here.” He wrapped his arms around her and placed a soft kiss on her head as she rested more completely against him. “Stay for hols, Lil, I’ll stay with you. Or better yet come home with me. You can beat Sirius at mugs on Christmas and we’ll ring in Boxing Day together. It’ll be brilliant.”
“You know I can’t do that, James. It’s just one more thing I need to do for myself.” she insisted.
He released a breath in frustration. “But why, Lily? I know how hard this has been for you, why should you have to go back? It only makes you miserable. I thought that was why you went abroad last summer, to get away from the reminder.” He held her shoulders as he tried to press his point home. “Being together means you don’t have to do this alone.”
She looked up at him, and there was such sadness in her look. “I know it’s not easy for you to understand, but the muggle world was where I grew up; it’s a part of me. It’s where I spent more than half of my life. And just because they’re gone doesn’t mean I can just disregard that.” Her hands came up to his face and she looked at him seriously. “I know this is hard, and I know it’s not fair to you, but I need you to understand. I have to know I can be on my own before I can be with you. I won’t give you a broken version of myself; it wouldn’t be fair to you or me.”
James’ voice was gentle as he replied. “But you’ll be going home to an empty house. You won’t find your parents there and we both know Petunia isn’t going to be any help.”
“Maybe,” Lily continued, just only a little unsteadily. “But I need to know that I can face it. I ran away over the summer; I ran away from that empty house, from Petunia and myself, and I ran away from you.” Her hands entwined with his own at their sides. “But I’m not running anymore.” Her voice was firm this time, a reminder of the girl she had been and the woman she was becoming.
James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, a self conscious habit he’d picked up as a child. There wasn’t anything he could say, but “Alright.” He didn’t understand, not entirely, but he’d support her regardless and he told her as much. She smiled at him, and though it didn’t erase is misgivings it did make it worth it.
The next morning found James slowly packing up some last minute things for the journey home. Sirius had gone down to breakfast with Remus, the two of them being the more organized of the bunch. It always amazed James that no matter how much the delinquent Sirius appeared to be, his strict upbringing always found moments to peek through.
Peter gave James a sympathetic look as he finished packing. “She’ll come around, Prongs. Don’t worry so much.”
James sighed. “That easy to read, am I?”
“Nah, you’ve just got that Lily face that you get when it’s something about her.”
James scowled at him as he shut his trunk. “I do not have a Lily face.”
“Do too.”
James rolled his eyes as they walked down to breakfast, where Peter consulted Sirius on the Lily face.
“Do too.” Sirius said, buttering his toast.
“I do not!”
“And how would you know? I’m fairly certain you’ve broken all the mirrors in our room with that face of yours.” Sirius tossed back at him, taking a rude bite out of his toast.
“I’m sorry; I know how you need them to get off on your pretty face.” James replied with a sneer.
“Why James, I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” Sirius said with raised eyebrows. James made a face and shot him a rude hand gesture as Peter and Remus laughed.
It was with a sense of foreboding that James boarded the train for King’s Cross with his friends. This would be their last Christmas as students, but already it felt as though they were entering a new time in their lives. James and Sirius would be spending the holidays together, either at Sirius’ flat or at one of the very empty Potter properties. Remus and Peter were invited of course and would join them later in the break. Even so, there was a small hollow feeling in James’ chest, a sadness that had everything to do with the time of year and the death of his parents.
Sirius clapped him on the shoulder as they got off the train. “Don’t think so hard, you’ll get a headache.”
James gave him a sad smile. “I’ll be alright.”
Sirius nodded and went to go grab their trunks. James turned around, searching the crowds and was promptly seized by his shirt and jerked down for a kiss. Before he could react, Lily whispered something in his ear and rushed off towards the throng of gathering families.
James brought a hand up to fun through his hair as he stared after her. His chest was filled to bursting. If love was supposed to be as great as everyone made it out to be then why did it have to hurt so damn much? Lily turned once to look at him, her eyes holding her words, before she disappeared into the crowd. He began to understand a little better; love was singularly the worst and best feeling in the world.
Author: glitterandsmut
Recipient: herbeautifullie
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 10,1780
Warnings: Mild Language
Summary: Important moments in each of the Marauders' lives.
Author's Note: Many, many thanks go to the wonderful maryfic for being a rockstar beta. I own none of the characters here, not even the ones mentioned in the twisted Black family tree. The Potters might not be cannon compliant, but I like to think they were. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!
( Part 1)
Peter wasn't one for romantic entanglements. Other than a few kisses and some brief fumbling, the sum of his knowledge on such things only extended to the stories his friends relayed. So it was with considerable consternation and horror that he found himself wedged underneath the Charms professors' desk, while the two students snogging on top of it did their best to expand upon the subject.
He cursed his entire situation, Sirius Black for taking James' invisibility cloak, and most especially the two randy idiots on the desk. Shifting his knees in an effort to get more comfortable against the stone floor, Peter peered around for a way, any way, to get out of there.
To his vast relief, and just in time by the heated sounds of things, the door opened and an amused feminine voice sounded in the classroom.
“Williams and Hill, what would Professor Flitwick say?”
There were some scrambling noises as the two lovebirds put themselves to rights and Peter grimaced. Thankful as he was for being rescued for their display, he would have rather gone without knowing the faces that went along with the noises.
“As much as I really don’t care what you do on your spare time, I’m sure there’s a better place and time to do it. Go on, up to your dorms, curfew and all that tosh.”
Peter didn’t dare peek around the desk, but there was just enough room between the bottom of it and the floor that if he laid one ear flat to the ground he could see a bit of the room. There was some grumbling and huffing and a bit of embarrassed shuffling as the snogging couple exited the room, but the girl remained inside the classroom. She sighed and Peter could make out a prefect’s badge pinned to her robes. She moved closer and he felt a rising panic with every step she took towards the front of the room. What possible explanation could he give if she found him without looking like some sick pervert?
James could talk his way out of anything and after almost five years of being mates with him one would think some of that might rub off. Unfortunately it looked like that was just a false hope.
The girl came to stand right in front of the desk and Peter cowered, tucking himself into as small of a ball as he could manage. He cast a thought toward his animagus form but discarded the idea. He was still too inexperienced to pull it off successfully and the sound of effort might just attract her attention. He watched in horror as she crouched down to pick up the objects that had been knocked off the desk. As she replaced them the door to the classroom opened for a second time.
“Severus?”
“Lily, you came.”
There was a pregnant pause and Peter cursed his luck. If only he just eaten his Honeydukes sweets instead of going down to the kitchens, he wouldn’t be stuck here with his knees aching and forced to listed to whatever serious conversation that was about to take place.
“Of course I came,” Evans replied with false lightness. “Why wouldn’t I come? I mean, we’re friends, it’s not like lately you’ve been keeping our friendship your dirty little secret.”
Snape flinched. “Of course we’re friends. I just meant I wasn’t sure you would. Lately you’ve been… well.” Peter didn’t care what she’d been, nor did he particularly want to know, but he figured James might.
“I’ve been what, Severus? Upset? Disappointed? Overreacting?”
“It didn’t mean anything. The lads are just-”
“That’s it!” Lily said exasperatedly, and not in an affectionate way. “You always make excuses for your nasty friends. You know how I feel about them. Since you’ve become all chummy with Rosier and Wilkes, I barely know you anymore.”
“I-”
“I know what you and your friends did to McKenna Green.” Evans continued in a quieter voice. “It was horrible. Severus, how could you do that? Especially after the hard time she’s been having with her parents-”
“It was just a joke; just for laughs. It’s not like we did anything to her that Potter and his friends wouldn’t have done.” A bite of acid joined in with the desperate note in Snape’s voice.
“And that’s another thing. I don’t understand why the two of you just can’t ignore each other. He’s not so bad, Severus.” Peter was shocked to hear the slight pleading tone in Evans’ voice. He hadn’t been aware there was any change in her regard for James. As far as he knew she’d maintained a healthy disgust for him. Apparently that wasn’t the case.
“Not so bad? How can you, of all people, stand there and tell me he’s not so bad?”
“He’s a tosser, I know. But there’s more to him than that, I’m sure of it. How else could you explain why he’s got such great friends?”
“More to him? More to him?” Snape sputtered. “There’s nothing more to Potter than a fat Gringotts vault and a wand. As for Black, he’s nothing but an inbred bedlamite. And those other two aren’t even worth mentioning, just a couple of sycophants.”
“Remus happens to be my friend, and you’re wrong about Potter. He’s really rather all right.” She trailed off uncertainly and the silence was frosty.
“Been hanging around Potter, have you?” There was a silky edge to Snape’s voice that sounded more dangerous than his earlier anger.
“And what if I have? We’re in the same house; we see a lot of each other. Isn’t that the same as what you said to me?”
“No,” He replied sharply. “It most decidedly is not.”
“You’re right,” Evans replied quietly. “It’s worse. No matter how stupid or immature, at least he and his friends don’t actually hurt people.”
“Don’t actually hurt people?” Snape’s voice was raised in anger, again. “Are we talking about the same git in your house? What about all the shit he’s done in the last five years?”
“Pranks! They were all just stupid, childish pranks, Severus. Can’t we just move on?”
“He’s brainwashed you.” The incredulity was almost tangible. “I can’t believe he’s gotten to you, too.”
“He hasn’t done anything, Severus. Why can’t you just admit that people grow up; people change. Maybe it’s time you did as well.” She brushed past Snape towards the door, but Severus’ soft voice stopped her from completely exiting.
“He’ll disappoint you.” he said, with a complete lack of emotion. “He might seem okay on the surface but pretty soon he’ll disappoint you. And then you’ll see just how horrible he really is.”
She left and Snape viciously kicked one of the chairs before sinking down into one with his head in his hands.
Peter bit his lip and waited until Snape left before uncurling his stiff body and racing back up to his dorm. Remus was flipping through a textbook and glanced over at him curiously as Peter flopped face down on his bed.
“You were gone for ages. Are you all right?”
Peter groaned into his pillow. He was silent for a long moment before deciding what to say. “Remus, am I a sycophant?”
Remus looked amused. “Peter, would a sycophant be able to complete an animagus transformation at the same time as James and Sirius?”
“I didn’t though,” Peter mumbled. “I still can’t get it right. And they always helped me loads, you know that.”
Remus sighed. “Just trust me, Peter; I know how it is to feel like just a hanger-on.”
Peter turned his head to the side to look at Remus. “But that’s different. You’ve got your problem and even still you’re just like Padfoot and Prongs. At the heart of things you’re all adventurers and I’m the bloke telling you all to be careful.”
“Caution has its uses as well, Wormtail. We’d be a mess without it.” Remus tried, but in the end Peter went to bed with a sense of dissatisfaction. It didn’t help when Sirius and James came crashing in a little while later, laughing over whatever shenanigans they’d been up to that night.
The next morning found Peter in an even worse mood. On his way to breakfast he’d overheard a group of girls twittering on about his friends, most particularly Sirius. It was nothing new, girls were always talking or giggling about Sirius, but what made it different was that after discussing the merits of his friends’ features they’d included him in the conversation. To say the least, it was not flattering.
“I don’t understand why they let him hang around; he’s nothing but a bumsucker.” One of the girls scoffed as the other sniggered.
Peter slunk into the great hall and plopped himself down at the Gryffindor table. The other marauders were already working their way through breakfast. Nothing looked particularly appetizing, but he spooned himself a bowl of porridge anyway. Remus shot him a sympathetic look as Peter dragged his spoon through his bowl without taking a bite.
“Peter, you’ll never believe what we found last night. Sirius-” James started excitedly, but Peter was in no mood to hear about the fantastic things he obviously had no part in.
“James, I’d rather not listen to it right now. Thanks,” he interrupted; scooping up some porridge and watching it dribble back into the bowl. James exchanged a confused look with Sirius.
“Well, all right. But we were waiting for you to get started. That’s why we came back so early last night.”
Peter snorted. “Why would you need me? You and Sirius are perfectly capable of pulling off pranks on your own. Don’t need my help.” He half mumbled. Peter knew he was being a prick, but at that moment he didn’t really care.
“What a load of bollocks, of course we need you. What the hell do you think we keep you around for, decoration? We need your sneak skills. Wouldn’t go very far without them, would we?” Sirius scowled in annoyance and reached for his morning coffee. “Stop being a git, you sound like Snivellus.”
Remus grinned and Peter felt his lips quirk upwards in an answering smile. Sirius wasn’t gentle but he had a way of getting to the heart of things.
James poured Peter a glass of pumpkin juice from across the table. “We don’t let just anyone call themselves a marauder, you know. We wouldn’t trade you in for two more of me or Sirius.” James winked at him. James Potter always seemed to come off as one of the most self absorbed people to anyone who didn’t know him, but sometimes it even surprised Peter how much the bloke actually saw.
“Possibly Remus,” Sirius said, contemplatively.
“And we didn’t call ourselves marauders,” Remus said wryly. “It was Professor McGonagall who did. You just decided to use it because you know it drives her mad.”
James grinned at him. “Well, yeah, but that’s just a perk, I swear.”
It was stupid, or at least it should have been. It was such a small, stupid thing to get emotional over. If any of them knew how much their words meant to him, they didn’t show it as they went back to eating their breakfasts and joking over inconsequential things.
Peter’s eyes began to water and he looked down into his porridge, sniffing as he ducked his head to hide his tears. Sirius began to get that look of unease and Peter, well aware of Sirius’s lack of patience for tears, attempted to eat and alleviate them.
“All right, Peter?” Sirius asked, still eyeing him with suspicion. Peter gritted his teeth as he swallowed a thick, painful lump of gratitude, relief, and porridge as Sirius continued with hesitation. “You’re not…?”
“No!” He gasped before Sirius could continue. “No, it’s just-” Peter searched for something to describe the coalescing happiness building up in his chest and welling from his eyes. His face crinkled up as tears began to flow down his cheeks. “It’s just the best damn porridge I’ve ever had.” He choked out before bursting into tears as he fled the great hall, leaving behind said porridge and an astonished looking Sirius.
James dumped another heap of eggs onto his plate as he shook his head. “Well thank Merlin he didn’t get to the waffles yet. Can’t imagine what he’d do after a bite of those.”
James had to wonder about bad habits. So much had changed in his life over his sixth year but the things that remained constant were the bad habits he’d accumulated. He still dog-eared his pages, he couldn’t leave his hair alone, he was still in love with Lily Evans, and he still brooded about it all. Well, not so much the pages. But certainly about the hair bit.
Everyone had already gone to bed and the resounding silence in the common room suited his mood. All the candles were unlit, the only source of light coming from the crackling fireplace.
“Why is it that every time I find you alone you’re always in a dark room?”
James looked up to see Sirius saunter in through the portrait hole and collapse into the armchair next to him. He reached up to completely unknot his already loose school tie, something that he rarely wore. The last time James had seen Sirius wear a tie properly had been at a Beltane gathering before Hogwarts.
Sirius didn’t say anything, recognizing James’ need to brood. Instead, he brought his feet up to rest on the coffee table in front of him, slouching further into the armchair. James knew for a fact that Sirius had perfect posture, but he was always slouching or sprawling or leaning, as though these little everyday rebellions were just one more way to wave two fingers at his family.
They sat there in silence, James staring into the fire and Sirius thinking about whatever it was he was thinking about. James sighed and Sirius looked over at him. There was a pause that was broken by, “Exploding snap?”
“Yeah.”
Sirius summoned the common room cards, a special deck the Marauders had enhanced to shoot minor spells and insults in their third year. They’d donated the deck to the common room, a contribution to the betterment of young society, where it was still popular among third years.
They were quiet as they played, dodging and brushing aside various sparks and verbal abuse until James set his cards down.
“Minger!” The cards squeaked up at him.
Sirius spoke before James could start. “She used to fancy you a bit in fifth year, you know.” He said, looking over his cards casually.
James blinked. “What?”
“Halfway through fifth year,” Sirius drew another card from the deck. “I thought for certain it would have happened back then, but she was so upset over Snivellus. No surprise there, the two of you seem to get off on torturing each other.”
“Bollocks!”
James opened his mouth to defend himself but Sirius cut him off. “No, I don’t even want to try to understand it. I’m buggered in the romance department and you know it. But either way, it wasn’t going to happen in sixth year either.” Sirius had given up his pretense of playing and sat staring at his cards instead. “I won’t deny I was brassed off with the bint last year; you had enough going on without all her shit on top of it. But she was good for you, she was there when I wasn’t.” He admitted grudgingly.
“Knackers!”
Sirius fixed James with a look. “It didn’t happen in fifth year, and it didn’t happen last year, and it’s a damn good thing it didn’t. If the both of you hadn’t gone through all that rubbish you’d never be in a place to forgive the people you used to be.” Sirius set down his cards and stretched his arms out nonchalantly. “I ought to know, you forgave me.”
They sat there in silence, the game forgotten. James glanced back a Sirius. “Barmpot.”
Sirius snorted. “Pillock.”
“Plonker!”
One of the cards let out a bang and smoke wafted from the deck. Sirius fanned the smoke away from his face. “Oh bugger, off. You’ll be late for rounds, Head Boy. Give our love to the Head Girl and don’t balls it up.”
James cracked a grin at him and rose to leave.
“It’ll happen, Prongs.” Sirius said as he too rose to go in the opposite direction. “You’ve got better luck this time.”
James watched his friend bound up the boys’ staircase and shook his head as he turned to ascend the stairs to the portrait. He was meeting Lily outside of the great hall and he knew he was already late. He thought about Sirius’ words on the way down, and they left him feeling slightly nostalgic. Lily was waiting for him, her hands smoothing over her skirt. She looked sweet and feminine, and pretty, as always.
It was the night before all the students were to leave Hogwarts for Christmas hols, and as no prefect wanted to deal with the ensuing excitement it was left to the head boy and girl to do patrols. But the castle was quiet, unusually so.
“You were a complete plague on me.” James said flatly.
“I was a plague? I’m fairly certain it was you who was completely beastly all those years.” Lily said primly. James shook his head.
“Well, can you blame me? You, a muggle born from nothing and nowhere, you came in here and you told me exactly what you thought of me. I’ve never met anyone with more audacity than you, Lily Evans.”
“For your information, I’m from Surrey. And someone had to do it.”
He laughed.
It had taken him a year to figure out just what he felt for Lily Evans, and it had taken her longer to figure out how they both fit together. James was convinced that they would be something glorious.
But they weren’t there yet, and he knew it.
“So, Surrey?” James said lightly, and a thousand things were both said and unsaid.
“Yeah,” Lily replied, the same strain in her voice that had been there for weeks. “It’s a quiet place. Not much excitement, but its home.”
They were silent, something stretching taut between them in the velvet darkness. They rounded into an empty corridor, the large windows casting shadows and bathing long stretches of stone floors in moonlight. All was quiet except for the sound of their footsteps, and James took a brief moment to watch her legs move curiously in sync with his. His mother had once told him that when two people stepped in tandem, their chemistry was well matched.
As they came to an open air corridor, Lily stopped. He gave her a curious glance as she took a breath, looking up at the moon as though asking for courage. James took the opportunity to admire the soft freckles across the bridge of her nose, slowly fading from her leftover summer abroad. He’d often imagined counting them, placing soft kisses over every one. And quite suddenly, he knew what had to be done.
“Don’t.” His voice was rough with emotion and it caused a small line to appear between her eyebrows. He brought his hand up to her cheek, his thumb smoothing over the small line and one delicately arched eyebrow.
Lily’s lips had parted, her deep green eyes reflecting a forest of stars as she stared up at him. Something snapped inside of his chest, a sharp twang and a rushing awful pain. He stepped into her, she stepped back, her eyes never leaving his face. He moved forward until his body pressed hers back into a pillar, feeling her shiver at every point of contact. Slowly, he leaned forward until his shadow blotted out the stars in her eyes and left them dark and so very deep he fell into them.
The kiss in itself was just a kiss, but the reality of it was so much more. Their lips met, cool from the night air, warming as they melted into each other. It was weeks of tension and the driving question of more. It was an entire summer of exchanged letters and bone deep wanting. It was a year of anguish, forgiveness, and leaving childhood behind. It was the story of a spoiled boy who knew nothing of the real world and the vivacious girl who dared to tell him no.
He kissed her softly, the air rushing through his head as a spark ignited. The kiss deepened into something desperate as she let out a small whimper, her arms wrapping around his neck and her legs hooking over his hips as he lifted her up against the pillar for easier access. He pressed into her and her legs locked around him, his hands in stroking over her hips and down her thighs. She made a sound at the back of her throat as his hands ran upwards over her silhouette, coming up to frame her face and smooth her hair back, running his fingers through the soft strands as he tilted her head to the side. Her fingertips dug into his back and one of her hands fisted in his hair. Closer and closer, her body wrapped around him as he tried to press deeper into her, and still it was not close enough.
James was the first to break the kiss, his head ducking down to rest on her shoulder as he placed soft kisses over her neck, a murmur spilling from his lips. It wasn’t until he heard her whisper his name that he realized he’d been saying her name over and over again.
James released her slowly and they both shuddered as her body slid down the length of his. He was loath giving up the feel of her and remained pressed against her, holding her to him.
“James,” she murmured his name, a soft sigh. “We can’t do this now.”
He nodded against her shoulder and straightened, resting his forehead against hers. “I know you need time. And you know I’ll be here.” He wrapped his arms around her and placed a soft kiss on her head as she rested more completely against him. “Stay for hols, Lil, I’ll stay with you. Or better yet come home with me. You can beat Sirius at mugs on Christmas and we’ll ring in Boxing Day together. It’ll be brilliant.”
“You know I can’t do that, James. It’s just one more thing I need to do for myself.” she insisted.
He released a breath in frustration. “But why, Lily? I know how hard this has been for you, why should you have to go back? It only makes you miserable. I thought that was why you went abroad last summer, to get away from the reminder.” He held her shoulders as he tried to press his point home. “Being together means you don’t have to do this alone.”
She looked up at him, and there was such sadness in her look. “I know it’s not easy for you to understand, but the muggle world was where I grew up; it’s a part of me. It’s where I spent more than half of my life. And just because they’re gone doesn’t mean I can just disregard that.” Her hands came up to his face and she looked at him seriously. “I know this is hard, and I know it’s not fair to you, but I need you to understand. I have to know I can be on my own before I can be with you. I won’t give you a broken version of myself; it wouldn’t be fair to you or me.”
James’ voice was gentle as he replied. “But you’ll be going home to an empty house. You won’t find your parents there and we both know Petunia isn’t going to be any help.”
“Maybe,” Lily continued, just only a little unsteadily. “But I need to know that I can face it. I ran away over the summer; I ran away from that empty house, from Petunia and myself, and I ran away from you.” Her hands entwined with his own at their sides. “But I’m not running anymore.” Her voice was firm this time, a reminder of the girl she had been and the woman she was becoming.
James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, a self conscious habit he’d picked up as a child. There wasn’t anything he could say, but “Alright.” He didn’t understand, not entirely, but he’d support her regardless and he told her as much. She smiled at him, and though it didn’t erase is misgivings it did make it worth it.
The next morning found James slowly packing up some last minute things for the journey home. Sirius had gone down to breakfast with Remus, the two of them being the more organized of the bunch. It always amazed James that no matter how much the delinquent Sirius appeared to be, his strict upbringing always found moments to peek through.
Peter gave James a sympathetic look as he finished packing. “She’ll come around, Prongs. Don’t worry so much.”
James sighed. “That easy to read, am I?”
“Nah, you’ve just got that Lily face that you get when it’s something about her.”
James scowled at him as he shut his trunk. “I do not have a Lily face.”
“Do too.”
James rolled his eyes as they walked down to breakfast, where Peter consulted Sirius on the Lily face.
“Do too.” Sirius said, buttering his toast.
“I do not!”
“And how would you know? I’m fairly certain you’ve broken all the mirrors in our room with that face of yours.” Sirius tossed back at him, taking a rude bite out of his toast.
“I’m sorry; I know how you need them to get off on your pretty face.” James replied with a sneer.
“Why James, I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” Sirius said with raised eyebrows. James made a face and shot him a rude hand gesture as Peter and Remus laughed.
It was with a sense of foreboding that James boarded the train for King’s Cross with his friends. This would be their last Christmas as students, but already it felt as though they were entering a new time in their lives. James and Sirius would be spending the holidays together, either at Sirius’ flat or at one of the very empty Potter properties. Remus and Peter were invited of course and would join them later in the break. Even so, there was a small hollow feeling in James’ chest, a sadness that had everything to do with the time of year and the death of his parents.
Sirius clapped him on the shoulder as they got off the train. “Don’t think so hard, you’ll get a headache.”
James gave him a sad smile. “I’ll be alright.”
Sirius nodded and went to go grab their trunks. James turned around, searching the crowds and was promptly seized by his shirt and jerked down for a kiss. Before he could react, Lily whispered something in his ear and rushed off towards the throng of gathering families.
James brought a hand up to fun through his hair as he stared after her. His chest was filled to bursting. If love was supposed to be as great as everyone made it out to be then why did it have to hurt so damn much? Lily turned once to look at him, her eyes holding her words, before she disappeared into the crowd. He began to understand a little better; love was singularly the worst and best feeling in the world.