Games2011 ♥ FIC: Endless In Between [PG-13]
Title: Endless In Between
Author: liebedance
Team: STAG
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 5,900
Warnings: none
Prompt: "Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will be; what is is change." - Edwin Teale
Summary: Lily finds out she is pregnant, and she doesn't know what to do.
Author's Note: I don't think I can thank H enough. Because, without her, this fic would have never been finished. Several times. Lyrics from Imogen Heap's "Wait it Out"
If it weren't for the gently falling snow, the scene outside could be a Muggle photograph. The trees are still, and everything seems calm and serene. Christmas garland can be seen hanging on the trim of neighbouring houses. The picture through the window doesn't tell of the bitter cold that accompanies the end of autumn, though. Nor does it even begin to hint at the tension and distress that's overwhelming the world. There's no indication that, at any moment, it could all be over. Everything could fall apart.
Lily clutches her mug of tea to her chest and sighs. At this moment, she feels as though the scene outside the window is a perfect representation of her current state. She knows that she looks the same as she did an hour ago, a week ago, and even two months ago. But, now, she can feel the changes within her.
The fatigue and dull ache in her back seem more prominent now than they had previously. So, too, does the fact that it's been almost two months since she's had her monthlies. She's explained the symptoms away, rationalising them as a response to the stress she's been under. Because, in all honesty, she hasn't been getting enough sleep or eating enough. Being pregnant had been only one of several reasons for feeling out of sorts that have occurred to Lily.
While Lily hadn't been completely surprised by the doctor's news, she had been shocked. After all, considering the signs and symptoms is completely different from hearing the three words that had come from the doctor's mouth. As much as she may have expected it, she was in no way prepared for the 'Congratulations, you're pregnant!'.
Lily hadn't really heard anything else the doctor had said after that. Those three words had reverberated through her mind, occluding any other thoughts, preventing her from absorbing or processing any further information he may have been giving her. She'd shaken her head when he asked if she had any further questions and nodded when he'd given her a blue slip of paper containing obstetricians' names and numbers.
She had walked silently from the clinic, her head in a daze. As soon as she'd found a spot away from the eyes of Muggles, she'd Apparated to the flat she and James had bought over the summer. Briefly marvelling at the fact that she'd not splinched herself, Lily had curled up on the couch with a cup of tea to think.
That had been two hours ago, and her mug is still full of now-cold tea.
Lily is terrified. More terrified than she's ever been. Part of her wishes that she hadn't gone to the clinic, hadn't had her suspicions confirmed. She could've gone at least another month avoiding the issue altogether. Part of her wishes she had.
If she's honest with herself, from the moment the idea that she could be pregnant passed her mind, she'd hoped the problem would fix itself. She'd almostwanted to miscarry, just so that she wouldn't have to deal with it. She doesn't want to deal with it, and she doesn't want to accept it. And it's this reluctance that had prevented her from mentioning her suspicions to James. Telling him would've made it more real. Only now, it is real, and Lily has no clue what to do.
She keeps expecting to wake up and realise that this has all been a dream. She wants pretend this isn't happening. Because it can't be happening. Not now, not when she and James are only nineteen years old and still newly married, not definitely in the middle of this war.
In the year and a half since leaving Hogwarts and joining the Order, Lily has attended more funerals than in the previous eighteen years of her life. She has lost friends, friends that have become practically family. She's been nearly killed by Voldemort himself, not just once, but twice, and she doesn't even know if she'll survive to bring the baby to term, let alone watch him grow up.
No, this is not a world that Lily wants to bring a child into.
--
"Lily, I'm home!" James voice breaks through the silence, startling Lily from her thoughts. Quickly glancing at the clock, she realises that it's just after seven; another hour has passed without her being aware. Shaking her head in an attempt to clear it, she sets her mug on the coffee table and leans back into the couch.
"I'm in the living room," she calls back, trying to keep her voice even. The last thing she wants is to worry James, to make him suspect that something is wrong. She doesn't know how she feels about the pregnancy - other than feeling scared beyond measure, that is - and doesn't want to tell James until she does. And, if she lets on that something is bothering her, Merlin help her try to keep it from James.
"It's bloody freezing out there," he says, appearing in the room a moment later, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it onto a chair.
"James, your shoes. They're tracking," Lily says, more out of habit than out of true concern for the floor.
"Oh, right. Sorry," he replies, casting an apologetic look at Lily.
She sighs as she watches James undo the laces of his boots and remove them from his feet. After muttering a quick drying spell, he banishes them to the coat cupboard.
"Put them away, even," he says, turning to look at Lily with a grin on his face.
"Do I get a prize?"
"We'll see," Lily deadpans.
"Well, so long as it's not a firm 'no' yet." His grin breaks into a full smile as he crosses the room and sits down next to Lily, pulling her into a hug and planting a quick kiss on her lips.
It's harder, now, with James' arms around her. His gentle hazel eyes gaze at her with such adoration that it's a struggle to keep her thoughts to herself. She wants nothing more than to tell him, to let him make it better, to kiss her all over until she forgets why she's upset in the first place. But telling him would likely lead to talking about what to do about it, and Lily's sure she's not ready for that. Not yet, anyway.
"How was your day?" Lily asks, determined to keep up this facade of normalcy.
"It was absolutely mad. Worst Monday ever," he answers with a heavy sigh. "There were so many memos back and forth across the DMLE over Avery - he's gone missing, you know, but neither the Aurors nor the Enforcement Squad want to take responsibility for it. I don't know why Dumbledore is insisting on me working as a Clerk for the office. I'm not learning anything useful for the Order there, and I hate sitting at a desk all day."
"You know why he wants you to do it," Lily says for what seems like the hundredth time. At least once a week James comes home disgruntled about his day job. "You're making connections, and as a Clerk you hear things that people higher up won't."
"Yeah," James mutters, "because I'm not important enough for people to worry about me overhearing."
"Which is exactly why what you're doing is important for the Order," Lily reminds him.
"Yeah, well," James insists, "I still hate it. I hate paperwork. It's like being in ruddy school, doing nothing but History of Magic papers forever. It's boring. Anyway, it was awful. Let's go out to eat; I don't feel like cooking."
"I don't know, James..." Lily responds. Without warning, the cold terror and shock from moments before return. Going out, getting dressed up, dealing with other people... it's the last thing she wants to do. "I'm really quite tired."
"We'll order in, then," James suggests. "I could go get curry from that place you like."
"If you want; I'm not very hungry." Then, seeing the curious look in James' eyes, she adds, "But, curry would be lovely."
"Are you alright, love?" he asks, and Lily mentally kicks herself.
"I'm fine," she forces herself to say. "It's just been a long day, and I'm getting a headache."
James furrows his brow and looks at her intently, as though trying to suss out if she's telling him the truth. Lily returns his gaze, willing her eyes not to betray her. Because, technically, none of what she said was a lie. It has been a long day, and her head is starting to ache above her eyes. And she is fine, technically.
--
The next morning, Lily wakes up exhausted. She spent the night tossing and turning, plagued by dreams of black-haired children screaming in pain. After a particularly vivid dream consisting of her explaining to a messy, red-haired toddler that he had to join the Order or Mummy and Daddy would die, Lily gives up on sleep entirely.
As light begins to illuminate the bedroom, Lily decides that she's forced herself to remain in bed long enough. Quietly and taking care to not wake James from his peaceful slumber, she slips out from under the duvet. The morning air is frigid, and, as Lily pulls one of James' old Gryffindor jumpers over her head, she feels the rare longing for her old life - her Muggle life. Warming charms and magically-created fires are easy enough to produce, but it's not quite the same as waking up to a room warmed by the furnace.
Things were so much simpler then. There was no Dark Lord rising, no war being fought, no baby developing in her abdomen... There were games and dreams of houses with white-picket fences and a young girl's rose-coloured hopes for the future. But then she met Severus, and received her letter, and fallen in love with James Potter, and everything had changed.
"Everything would have changed anyway," Lily mutters to herself as she pours coffee and sits down at the kitchen table. Change is, after all, part of growing up. And the past two years have forced Lily to grow up more quickly than she could have ever imagined.
Her coffee is half gone and the memory of the most recent dream nearly faded by the time James ambles out of the bedroom. As usual, his hair extra-mussed and his pyjama pants riding low on his hips. It's so quintessentially James that Lily can't help but smile.
"You're up early," he says, casting Lily a questioning glance as he flicks his wand at the stove to heat water for tea.
"Couldn't sleep," Lily answers truthfully.
"But you were exhausted last night," James points out. "I mean, I thought you fell asleep as soon as we got into bed."
"I did... it was just the staying asleep that I had trouble with. But, it's fine. I'm just tired." Lily gives James a small smile, willing him to believe her and to not question her further. Much to her relief, it works. Somehow, acting as though everything is normal, as if it's just an average sleepy morning, allows Lily to push her worries aside.
"Maybe you should take the day off," James suggests. He sits down across from her and begins mixing sugar into his tea. "Floo the Apothecary and tell them you're not feeling well."
"Are you suggesting that I skive off?" Lily teases.
"Maybe," James replies, winking. "You're not really needed there, anyway. It's not as though there's a huge seasonal rush for Potions ingredients."
Lily knows that James doesn't quite understand why she's working for Madam Richards at the Apothecary in Diagon Alley. They don't need the money - James inheritance more than covers anything they could ever need. But, it gives Lily something to do when she's not performing duties for the Order, and she loves it.
"I think I will," Lily agrees, trying to quash the guilt that is rising in her chest. She had a legitimate excuse for taking the afternoon off yesterday - though she hadn't specifically told Madam Richards what she was going to a "Healer" for - and she is exhausted.
"You definitely should," James says, "You really do look exhausted."
"That's not something you're supposed to tell your wife, you know. Your wife looks beautiful and rested all the time."
"Well, sometimes I like to push boundaries," James quips. "And you're gorgeous, but you look dead tired."
"Didn't sleep well, remember?"
"But you've looked tired - and I don't mean in a non-beautiful way - for a while now." He pauses, looking at Lily with an almost-calculating look on his face. "I know I asked you last night... but is something wrong? Are you alright? You're not ill, are you?"
"I'm fine, James," Lily insists, though the guilt is becoming harder to ignore.
"You better get going, though. You don't want to be late for work."
"No, I wouldn't want that," James mutters, rolling his eyes and getting up from his chair. "Sometimes, being an adult is rubbish."
"Good thing you'll never really grow up, then."
As Lily watches James leave the kitchen, she remembers that that's really half of the problem. As much growing up as James and she have done since leaving Hogwarts, they're still really just kids. Until a month or so ago, James still saw the battles against Death Eaters as no more than corridor duels at Hogwarts. He likes to spend his weekend nights getting pissed with Sirius, Remus, and Peter and his weekend mornings having a lie in. Lily still enjoys going out dancing with her friends from school and struggles to cook anything more complicated than beans on toast. She can't see herself and James leading the life that her parents lead. And that's without accounting for the war.
Lily wonders if she'd just be better off getting rid of the baby and pretending that none of this has happened. It's still early enough. She could do it quietly, in the Muggle world, and nobody would ever have to know. And, if some day - if they lived long enough to see the end of the war - Lily could get pregnant again.
Except, can she really? Is she really capable of killing the child that is hers and James? Intellectually, she knows that it's not a child yet, that it's barely even human at this point. But she's never been good at separating emotion from intellect. No, she can't actively do anything to rid herself of the developing baby.
Besides, if James were to ever find out... Well, Lily doesn't think he'd be able to forgive her. Abortion just isn't something that is done in the wizarding world. James would likely see it as worse than the Killing Curse. She can't do that to him. Even the prospect of hurting him in that way makes Lily want to cry.
In all honesty, Lily doesn't even know how much longer she can keep this from James. She knows she shouldn't be trying to. He deserves to know. And, what's more, she knows he'd want to.
And telling him, well, it would probably make her feel better, too. Because James makes everything okay, somehow, even when it's not. She and James are a team. Marriage turns a couple into a team, Lily's mum had told her once. But Lily thinks that she and James have been a team for so much longer. A team, best friends, lovers, everything.
And, so, she has to tell him. Tonight.
--
Lily does not, however, tell James. Her carefully calculated plan and prepared speech fly from her mind when James comes home from work late and in a horrid mood. Lily knows James well enough to know that no conversation of any serious matter could be had when he's angry. She, instead, listens to him rant and rave about "the bloody fucking idiots with the brains of flobberworms" at work, deciding that the "I'm pregnant, what do we do?" conversation can wait for the following day.
But the next day, James is called away on urgent Order business, and the day after that Madam Richards comes down with a bad cold and needs Lily to run the Apothecary. Things keep coming up, and before she knows it, it's Friday, and James will inevitably have plans to go out drinking with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Between everything that's happened during the week, Lily hasn't had the time or energy she thought the conversation merited. And, over the three days since Lily worked up the courage to tell James, that very courage has faded and been replaced with anxiety.
Lily's tried desperately to hide her anxiety from James, but she's fairly certain he hasn't completely believed her facade. He keeps looking at her intently and asking her if she's doing alright, if there's anything wrong. Each time she denies it, she can see a flicker of doubt flash through his eyes. And, each time, her guilt grows.
The timing hasn't been right. I'll tell him when the timing is right, Lily tells herself as she puts a pot of water on to boil. But, even as she thinks this, she knows that the timing is never just going to be right. She's going to have to make it right, find the time necessary to discuss the baby. And she's going to have to do it soon, before her courage fails entirely or James forms his own reasons for her recent mood.
"You're not cooking, are you?" a familiar voice asks, breaking through Lily's thoughts. Lily turns from the pot of sauce she's stirring to see a bemused Sirius standing in the kitchen doorway.
"So what if I am?" Lily demands, fixing Sirius with a cold glare.
"I was planning to join the two of you for dinner, but now..."
"Careful, Padfoot," James warns, appearing next to Sirius.
"I'm sorry," Sirius replies, not sounding the least bit apologetic. "I've just had enough experience eating this bird's cooking. If you can call it that."
"Like you could do better," Lily challenges, holding out the spoon she'd been stirring with.
"Of course I couldn't," Sirius says with a laugh. "But I know that, so I don't try. You, on the other hand... You don't seem to know a lost cause when you see it."
"Well, it's just spaghetti; even I can manage that. And, don't worry. I bought the sauce." Lily turns to James, raising her eyebrows accusatorily. "You invited this ingrate here?"
"Followed me home," James replies. "He's like a stray dog; I can't get rid of him."
"I'm sure you tried very hard," Lily mutters under her breath.
"You two know you'd be lost without me," Sirius cuts in. He walks across the kitchen and slings an arm over Lily's shoulder. "It's like a disease; all Potters must love Sirius Black. You can't avoid it."
"Try as I might, you have a point," Lily says with a smile, giving Sirius a peck on the cheek before shoving his arm off her and turning back to the stove. "So, what mad plans do you lot have tonight?"
"The usual," James answers.
"Drunken debauchery," Sirius adds. "You're free to join us, Red. I know Prongs here doesn't like sharing, but I'm sure you could convince him."
"As appealing as that sounds, I think I'll decline. James, do you mind setting a place for Sirius?"
"Do you have plans for tonight, love? Debauchery aside, you are welcome to join us." James asks, causing plates and cutlery to fly from the cupboards to an empty spot at the table. He gestures to the icebox and, when Sirius nods, grabs a couple butterbeers and places them on the table.
"I'm just having water," Lily says, glancing at the table. "And I think I'll let you four boys be on your own tonight. It's been a long week. I think an evening in front of the telly is just what I need."
"Alone?" James asks, his voice full of incredulity.
"I don't mind solitude; it gives me a break from all the testosterone."
"You know..." James starts, a thoughtful look on his face. "I heard Frank mention the other day that Alice was going to be alone this weekend while he's out on duty for the Aurors. You could have her over, and then the two of you could enjoy solitude together."
"Then it's not solitude, mate," Sirius interjects, earning himself a swat over the head.
"I'll feel significantly less guilty going out if you're not alone," James continues in a softer voice, moving so that he's right up next to Lily."I'm worried about you. You've seemed off, lately."
"I'll be fine, James," Lily insists, setting down the spoon and putting her hands on James' shoulders. Now, with Sirius just feet away, was definitely not the time for the conversation. "Go, have fun with your friends. I'll have Alice over, if she's willing. Don't worry about me."
"I always worry about you," James says before dipping his head to kiss her.
Lily returns the kiss, her worries fading away at the feel of James' lips on hers.
This, she knows, will never get old. She's about to wrap her arms around his neck and deepen the kiss when a strangled sounds from across the room, and they break apart.
"I only have so much restraint," Sirius says, eyes cast up towards the ceiling. "There's only so long I can pretend I'm not here before I actually have to be not here."
"Oh, shove it," James retorts, before planting another brief kiss on Lily's forehead and breaking away from her completely.
A timer goes off, and Lily banishes the water from the pasta pot.
"Enough, you two. Dinner's ready."
After James and Sirius leave, Lily takes as long as she can cleaning up from dinner. She clears the table manually, taking more trips to and from the sink than is strictly necessary, and washes the dishes by hand. Lily knows that she's being ridiculous in this procrastination. But, she needs time to clear her head and mentally prepare for what she knows will be a trying conversation.
The prospect of flooing Alice is both daunting and comforting at once. James didn't know how appropriate his suggestion was, and Lily's surprised that she didn't think of it herself. After all, Alice and Frank announced to the entire Order that Alice was pregnant just a few weeks ago. She's due to deliver in mid July, just a few weeks before Lily herself is. What's more, Alice is in the Order and she had just finished her Auror training. She, more than anybody else, will be able to understand the confusion and anxiety that is clouding Lily's mind.
And yet, Lily is a bit reluctant to discuss it with her. Especially since she hasn't talked about it with James. It doesn't feel completely right that anybody know before James.
Still, over the past year and a half, Alice has become one of Lily's closest friends outside of James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. A few years ahead of her at Hogwarts, Alice had been something of a role model for Lily, but the age gap had prevented them from ever really being friends.
That had changed, though, when Lily graduated from Hogwarts and joined the Order. Alice and Marlene McKinnon, both of whom had been in the Order for several months, took Lily under their wings and made her feel welcome. Being the only one of her friends who had joined the Order upon graduation, Lily appreciated the instant camaraderie and quickly grew to genuinely like the pair of them. Now, not even two years after leaving Hogwarts, Lily feels closer to Alice than she does to any of her dormmates after seven years.
By the time she's finished drying and putting away the dishes, Lily has convinced herself that she should talk to Alice. She doubts that James would be upset with her for confiding in her best friend. Merlin knows he confides in Sirius before her often enough.
Before she changes her mind - because she's done enough of that this past week to last a life time - Lily crosses the kitchen to the living room, grabs a handful of floo powder and throws it in fireplace. Taking a deep breath, she kneels down and sticks her head in.
"Number twenty-six Dunfold Drive," Lily says, sticking her head in the fireplace. After the familiar - but still unpleasant - spinning sensation, the Longbottom's living room appears in front of her. Alice is sitting on the couch, flipping idly through a magazine. As soon as Lily arrives, though, she looks up.
"Hey, Lily," she says, getting up and crossing over to kneel in front of the fire. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah, everything's fine," Lily answers, giving Alice a reassuring smile.
"Oh good." Alice sighs in apparent relief. "I just... well, I wasn't expecting you to call, and..."
"I get it, Alice," Lily assures her, and she does. An unexpected message these days often comes with unwanted news. "I just... Well, James mentioned that Frank was out on duty this weekend, and I thought you might care for some company. And, if you didn't mind, I really could use some advice."
"Of course I don't mind!" Alice exclaims. "Please, come over. I'll make us some tea, and we can talk."
"And you're sure I'm not intruding?"
"Intruding on what?" Alice laughs and gestures to the empty house. "Honestly, Lily, I could use some distraction from the fact that Frank is off, potentially fighting, while I'm stuck at home reading about Muggle knitting patterns. Please, come over."
Lily smiles and nods before pulling her head back out of the fireplace. Grabbing her wand, she activates the extra security wards. As a last minute thought, Lily runs to the kitchen cupboard and pulls out her secret stash - the stash that James knows nothing about - of Honeyduke's chocolate. With one last check that the flat is secure, she throws a handful of powder into the fireplace and steps in.
"I'm in the kitchen," Alice calls as Lily steps out of the fireplace.
"I brought chocolate," Lily calls back, dusting soot off her clothing and stepping off the hearth.
"Brilliant. I could really use some of that right now." Alice appears in the entrance way to the room, levitating a tray with tea. "When Frank goes on mission... Well, it's harder now, knowing that I can't take as many risks as I used to. I can't go with him, and I'm left at home to wait."
"I can imagine," Lily responds truthfully. She has been imagining it. Just the previous weekend, when James was called out, Lily had wondered if that was what it would be like for the next several months. And now, she realises, that it is. That's exactly what will happen.
"But, you said you wanted to talk, and here I am blabbering on about myself," Alice says with a smile, sitting down on the sofa and gesturing for Lily to do the same. "Have some tea, and we'll talk."
"It's not wholly unrelated, actually," Lily says, fixing herself some tea and settling back into the couch. Now that she's here, with Alice, drinking tea, she feels much calmer, much more like she actually can have this conversation
.
"Oh?" Alice asks, raising her eyebrows and nodding for Lily to continue.
"I'm pregnant." The words, Lily finds, are easier to say than she'd expected. They still fill her with panic and dread, but she doesn't have to force them out. Not to Alice, who surely understands exactly why she's afraid.
"Usually I'd offer congratulations," Alice says, eying Lily carefully. "But, somehow, I don't think you're exactly thrilled."
"I... I don't know what to do, Alice." Lily bites her lip and looks at her friend pleadingly.
"Have you seen a Healer? Are you certain?"
"Yes, I'm certain. I saw a doctor at a clinic in a nearby Muggle neighbourhood," Lily explains. "It felt more... comfortable... to go to a Muggle doctor, I guess, since I grew up with one."
"That makes sense; I understand completely. But, you know, you really should see a Healer. The magic can make things work differently, and there can be complications that a Muggle doctor won't expect or know what to make of."
Lily nods, and Alice studies her for a couple moments. Lily can feel Alice searching her face, trying to suss out exactly what's going through Lily's mind. It's almost a relief, Lily thinks, that her friend has learned to read her so well over the past several months.
"You haven't told James yet, have you?" Alice asks. "He doesn't know, does he?"
"No," Lily admits. "I didn't want to tell him until I knew how I felt about it."
"And how do you feel about it?"
"Confused," Lily says, voicing her feelings aloud for the first time, "confused and scared and worried. Part of me can't help but be excited, because the baby is mine and James'. But part of me is terrified. James and I are only nineteen; we're still kids. Not to mention Voldemort and the Order and the war. It's just not a good time to have a baby."
"It's never a good time to have a baby," Alice says, and she places a hand on her lower abdomen. "There's always something. But this war isn't ending any time soon, and you can't put it off forever. That's what Frank and I realised. We may as well start now, because it's not going to be any easier until it's too late."
"But you're twenty-three, and Frank's twenty-five," Lily points out. "That's a far shot from nineteen. I just don't think we're ready for it."
"I think you need to talk to James about it, not me," Alice says. "As much advice as I can give you, the child is yours and James', not mine."
"I know." Lily sighs. "I'm just afraid that, once James finds out, he'll be so excited and happy about it. I'm afraid that his excitement will be contagious, and I'll forget why I was worried in the first place."
"You're afraid of being happy?" Alice teases.
"I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and bringing a child into a world that doesn't want it."
Lily sighs and breaking off a piece of the chocolate she brought. The words she just uttered escaped before she knew she was saying them. But, now that they're hanging in the air, Lily realises that they're true, and that they're at the centre of the entire issue. It's not fair to her or James or the Order to have an unplanned baby. But, what's more, it's not fair to the child.
"For what it's worth," Alice says after a moment, "I think you and James will make great parents."
"I appreciate that," Lily replies, truly grateful. Neither of them say anything for a couple minutes. They sit in silence, sipping their tea and eating Lily's chocolate. Lily knows that Alice is waiting for her to say more, but that she won't push. It's one of the things that Lily likes most about her friend: she's easy to talk to and encourages confidence without being pushy. And, as always, it works.
"You know," Lily starts, "when I first suspected that I might be pregnant, I kind of hoped that it would just go away - the baby, I mean. And, I mean, I've thought about what I would do... if I would just get rid of it and pretend it never happened. But, Alice, I don't think I can do that either. I can't kill my baby. I can't get rid of it, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if it got rid of itself. Does that make me a horrible person?"
"Not horrible, no," Alice responds, her voice quiet. "It's normal to be scared, Lily. If you weren't, I'd be worried. Like you said, you and James are young. But I still stick by what I said: you and James will make great parents. Doubt the world, doubt society, but don't doubt yourselves. And talk to him. He's your husband. You're not supposed to do this alone."
--
You're not supposed to do this alone... Talk to James.
Alice's words echo through Lily's mind all night, keeping her awake even as James snores drunkenly beside her. She knows they're right, and she knows what she needs to do. And, really, breaking the news for the second time won't be as hard, will it? It's James, after all. There's nothing she can't tell him. And, as this thought settles in her head, she falls asleep.
On Saturday morning, Lily rises early, before James even starts to stir. She slips out of bed and quietly dresses in her favourite worn jeans and sweater before heading to the living room to floo St Mungo's. Alice gave her the name of her Pregnancy Healer before Lily left, telling her that no matter what Lily decided, she really needed to speak to one. After she's made an appointment - the coming Thursday at one in the afternoon - Lily puts on her jacket to go down the corner cafe.
She cannot think of a better way to break the news to James than with his favourite breakfast. Morning buns are one of their things. After their first bad fight as a couple, James showed up on Lily's front step with a bag of the sweet, sticky buns and a cup of steaming hot coffee. When his father died, they'd had pastries for breakfast for a week. Something about the buns make it easier for the two of them to talk, to work out their problems. And, well, despite the fact that Lily's committed one-hundred percent to telling him the news, she needs all the encouragement she can get.
Lily smiles at the jingle of the bell as she opens the door to the cafe. The familiar aroma of baked goods and coffee washes over her. And this, almost as much as anything else, reminds her that she's doing the right thing.
"'Lo, there," the woman behind the counter says, giving Lily a cheery smile. "I'm Sherry, how can I help you?"
"Could I have two morning buns, a breakfast tea, and a black coffee, please?" Lily asks.
"That'll be one galleon, five sickles," the woman says, setting about to fill Lily's order, and Lily reaches into her pocket to take out the appropriate gold.
"You know, it's awfully cold outside. I never quite believe that winter doesn't start officially for another week. So far as I'm concerned, winter starts when it snows. But, what can you do. Spring will come soon enough, I s'pose. Well, here you go, love. Careful, the cups are hot."
Lily smiles and thanks her as she takes the bagged buns and drinks from the woman. She's right, though; spring will come soon enough, as will the end of the war.
Snow has started falling again when Lily pushes open the door to leave. And, though the air is cold, there is no wind. It reminds her of the day, barely over a week ago, when she found out she's pregnant. There's the same sense of serenity in the air, but today Lily doesn't feel as though it's a facade. Rather, she sees it as a glimpse of what will be, someday. Despite everything, things will be okay.
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Poll Lily/James Games 2011 - Endless In Between
Author: liebedance
Team: STAG
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 5,900
Warnings: none
Prompt: "Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will be; what is is change." - Edwin Teale
Summary: Lily finds out she is pregnant, and she doesn't know what to do.
Author's Note: I don't think I can thank H enough. Because, without her, this fic would have never been finished. Several times. Lyrics from Imogen Heap's "Wait it Out"
If it weren't for the gently falling snow, the scene outside could be a Muggle photograph. The trees are still, and everything seems calm and serene. Christmas garland can be seen hanging on the trim of neighbouring houses. The picture through the window doesn't tell of the bitter cold that accompanies the end of autumn, though. Nor does it even begin to hint at the tension and distress that's overwhelming the world. There's no indication that, at any moment, it could all be over. Everything could fall apart.
Lily clutches her mug of tea to her chest and sighs. At this moment, she feels as though the scene outside the window is a perfect representation of her current state. She knows that she looks the same as she did an hour ago, a week ago, and even two months ago. But, now, she can feel the changes within her.
The fatigue and dull ache in her back seem more prominent now than they had previously. So, too, does the fact that it's been almost two months since she's had her monthlies. She's explained the symptoms away, rationalising them as a response to the stress she's been under. Because, in all honesty, she hasn't been getting enough sleep or eating enough. Being pregnant had been only one of several reasons for feeling out of sorts that have occurred to Lily.
While Lily hadn't been completely surprised by the doctor's news, she had been shocked. After all, considering the signs and symptoms is completely different from hearing the three words that had come from the doctor's mouth. As much as she may have expected it, she was in no way prepared for the 'Congratulations, you're pregnant!'.
Lily hadn't really heard anything else the doctor had said after that. Those three words had reverberated through her mind, occluding any other thoughts, preventing her from absorbing or processing any further information he may have been giving her. She'd shaken her head when he asked if she had any further questions and nodded when he'd given her a blue slip of paper containing obstetricians' names and numbers.
She had walked silently from the clinic, her head in a daze. As soon as she'd found a spot away from the eyes of Muggles, she'd Apparated to the flat she and James had bought over the summer. Briefly marvelling at the fact that she'd not splinched herself, Lily had curled up on the couch with a cup of tea to think.
That had been two hours ago, and her mug is still full of now-cold tea.
Lily is terrified. More terrified than she's ever been. Part of her wishes that she hadn't gone to the clinic, hadn't had her suspicions confirmed. She could've gone at least another month avoiding the issue altogether. Part of her wishes she had.
If she's honest with herself, from the moment the idea that she could be pregnant passed her mind, she'd hoped the problem would fix itself. She'd almostwanted to miscarry, just so that she wouldn't have to deal with it. She doesn't want to deal with it, and she doesn't want to accept it. And it's this reluctance that had prevented her from mentioning her suspicions to James. Telling him would've made it more real. Only now, it is real, and Lily has no clue what to do.
She keeps expecting to wake up and realise that this has all been a dream. She wants pretend this isn't happening. Because it can't be happening. Not now, not when she and James are only nineteen years old and still newly married, not definitely in the middle of this war.
In the year and a half since leaving Hogwarts and joining the Order, Lily has attended more funerals than in the previous eighteen years of her life. She has lost friends, friends that have become practically family. She's been nearly killed by Voldemort himself, not just once, but twice, and she doesn't even know if she'll survive to bring the baby to term, let alone watch him grow up.
No, this is not a world that Lily wants to bring a child into.
--
"Lily, I'm home!" James voice breaks through the silence, startling Lily from her thoughts. Quickly glancing at the clock, she realises that it's just after seven; another hour has passed without her being aware. Shaking her head in an attempt to clear it, she sets her mug on the coffee table and leans back into the couch.
"I'm in the living room," she calls back, trying to keep her voice even. The last thing she wants is to worry James, to make him suspect that something is wrong. She doesn't know how she feels about the pregnancy - other than feeling scared beyond measure, that is - and doesn't want to tell James until she does. And, if she lets on that something is bothering her, Merlin help her try to keep it from James.
"It's bloody freezing out there," he says, appearing in the room a moment later, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it onto a chair.
"James, your shoes. They're tracking," Lily says, more out of habit than out of true concern for the floor.
"Oh, right. Sorry," he replies, casting an apologetic look at Lily.
She sighs as she watches James undo the laces of his boots and remove them from his feet. After muttering a quick drying spell, he banishes them to the coat cupboard.
"Put them away, even," he says, turning to look at Lily with a grin on his face.
"Do I get a prize?"
"We'll see," Lily deadpans.
"Well, so long as it's not a firm 'no' yet." His grin breaks into a full smile as he crosses the room and sits down next to Lily, pulling her into a hug and planting a quick kiss on her lips.
It's harder, now, with James' arms around her. His gentle hazel eyes gaze at her with such adoration that it's a struggle to keep her thoughts to herself. She wants nothing more than to tell him, to let him make it better, to kiss her all over until she forgets why she's upset in the first place. But telling him would likely lead to talking about what to do about it, and Lily's sure she's not ready for that. Not yet, anyway.
"How was your day?" Lily asks, determined to keep up this facade of normalcy.
"It was absolutely mad. Worst Monday ever," he answers with a heavy sigh. "There were so many memos back and forth across the DMLE over Avery - he's gone missing, you know, but neither the Aurors nor the Enforcement Squad want to take responsibility for it. I don't know why Dumbledore is insisting on me working as a Clerk for the office. I'm not learning anything useful for the Order there, and I hate sitting at a desk all day."
"You know why he wants you to do it," Lily says for what seems like the hundredth time. At least once a week James comes home disgruntled about his day job. "You're making connections, and as a Clerk you hear things that people higher up won't."
"Yeah," James mutters, "because I'm not important enough for people to worry about me overhearing."
"Which is exactly why what you're doing is important for the Order," Lily reminds him.
"Yeah, well," James insists, "I still hate it. I hate paperwork. It's like being in ruddy school, doing nothing but History of Magic papers forever. It's boring. Anyway, it was awful. Let's go out to eat; I don't feel like cooking."
"I don't know, James..." Lily responds. Without warning, the cold terror and shock from moments before return. Going out, getting dressed up, dealing with other people... it's the last thing she wants to do. "I'm really quite tired."
"We'll order in, then," James suggests. "I could go get curry from that place you like."
"If you want; I'm not very hungry." Then, seeing the curious look in James' eyes, she adds, "But, curry would be lovely."
"Are you alright, love?" he asks, and Lily mentally kicks herself.
"I'm fine," she forces herself to say. "It's just been a long day, and I'm getting a headache."
James furrows his brow and looks at her intently, as though trying to suss out if she's telling him the truth. Lily returns his gaze, willing her eyes not to betray her. Because, technically, none of what she said was a lie. It has been a long day, and her head is starting to ache above her eyes. And she is fine, technically.
--
The next morning, Lily wakes up exhausted. She spent the night tossing and turning, plagued by dreams of black-haired children screaming in pain. After a particularly vivid dream consisting of her explaining to a messy, red-haired toddler that he had to join the Order or Mummy and Daddy would die, Lily gives up on sleep entirely.
As light begins to illuminate the bedroom, Lily decides that she's forced herself to remain in bed long enough. Quietly and taking care to not wake James from his peaceful slumber, she slips out from under the duvet. The morning air is frigid, and, as Lily pulls one of James' old Gryffindor jumpers over her head, she feels the rare longing for her old life - her Muggle life. Warming charms and magically-created fires are easy enough to produce, but it's not quite the same as waking up to a room warmed by the furnace.
Things were so much simpler then. There was no Dark Lord rising, no war being fought, no baby developing in her abdomen... There were games and dreams of houses with white-picket fences and a young girl's rose-coloured hopes for the future. But then she met Severus, and received her letter, and fallen in love with James Potter, and everything had changed.
"Everything would have changed anyway," Lily mutters to herself as she pours coffee and sits down at the kitchen table. Change is, after all, part of growing up. And the past two years have forced Lily to grow up more quickly than she could have ever imagined.
Her coffee is half gone and the memory of the most recent dream nearly faded by the time James ambles out of the bedroom. As usual, his hair extra-mussed and his pyjama pants riding low on his hips. It's so quintessentially James that Lily can't help but smile.
"You're up early," he says, casting Lily a questioning glance as he flicks his wand at the stove to heat water for tea.
"Couldn't sleep," Lily answers truthfully.
"But you were exhausted last night," James points out. "I mean, I thought you fell asleep as soon as we got into bed."
"I did... it was just the staying asleep that I had trouble with. But, it's fine. I'm just tired." Lily gives James a small smile, willing him to believe her and to not question her further. Much to her relief, it works. Somehow, acting as though everything is normal, as if it's just an average sleepy morning, allows Lily to push her worries aside.
"Maybe you should take the day off," James suggests. He sits down across from her and begins mixing sugar into his tea. "Floo the Apothecary and tell them you're not feeling well."
"Are you suggesting that I skive off?" Lily teases.
"Maybe," James replies, winking. "You're not really needed there, anyway. It's not as though there's a huge seasonal rush for Potions ingredients."
Lily knows that James doesn't quite understand why she's working for Madam Richards at the Apothecary in Diagon Alley. They don't need the money - James inheritance more than covers anything they could ever need. But, it gives Lily something to do when she's not performing duties for the Order, and she loves it.
"I think I will," Lily agrees, trying to quash the guilt that is rising in her chest. She had a legitimate excuse for taking the afternoon off yesterday - though she hadn't specifically told Madam Richards what she was going to a "Healer" for - and she is exhausted.
"You definitely should," James says, "You really do look exhausted."
"That's not something you're supposed to tell your wife, you know. Your wife looks beautiful and rested all the time."
"Well, sometimes I like to push boundaries," James quips. "And you're gorgeous, but you look dead tired."
"Didn't sleep well, remember?"
"But you've looked tired - and I don't mean in a non-beautiful way - for a while now." He pauses, looking at Lily with an almost-calculating look on his face. "I know I asked you last night... but is something wrong? Are you alright? You're not ill, are you?"
"I'm fine, James," Lily insists, though the guilt is becoming harder to ignore.
"You better get going, though. You don't want to be late for work."
"No, I wouldn't want that," James mutters, rolling his eyes and getting up from his chair. "Sometimes, being an adult is rubbish."
"Good thing you'll never really grow up, then."
As Lily watches James leave the kitchen, she remembers that that's really half of the problem. As much growing up as James and she have done since leaving Hogwarts, they're still really just kids. Until a month or so ago, James still saw the battles against Death Eaters as no more than corridor duels at Hogwarts. He likes to spend his weekend nights getting pissed with Sirius, Remus, and Peter and his weekend mornings having a lie in. Lily still enjoys going out dancing with her friends from school and struggles to cook anything more complicated than beans on toast. She can't see herself and James leading the life that her parents lead. And that's without accounting for the war.
Lily wonders if she'd just be better off getting rid of the baby and pretending that none of this has happened. It's still early enough. She could do it quietly, in the Muggle world, and nobody would ever have to know. And, if some day - if they lived long enough to see the end of the war - Lily could get pregnant again.
Except, can she really? Is she really capable of killing the child that is hers and James? Intellectually, she knows that it's not a child yet, that it's barely even human at this point. But she's never been good at separating emotion from intellect. No, she can't actively do anything to rid herself of the developing baby.
Besides, if James were to ever find out... Well, Lily doesn't think he'd be able to forgive her. Abortion just isn't something that is done in the wizarding world. James would likely see it as worse than the Killing Curse. She can't do that to him. Even the prospect of hurting him in that way makes Lily want to cry.
In all honesty, Lily doesn't even know how much longer she can keep this from James. She knows she shouldn't be trying to. He deserves to know. And, what's more, she knows he'd want to.
And telling him, well, it would probably make her feel better, too. Because James makes everything okay, somehow, even when it's not. She and James are a team. Marriage turns a couple into a team, Lily's mum had told her once. But Lily thinks that she and James have been a team for so much longer. A team, best friends, lovers, everything.
And, so, she has to tell him. Tonight.
--
Lily does not, however, tell James. Her carefully calculated plan and prepared speech fly from her mind when James comes home from work late and in a horrid mood. Lily knows James well enough to know that no conversation of any serious matter could be had when he's angry. She, instead, listens to him rant and rave about "the bloody fucking idiots with the brains of flobberworms" at work, deciding that the "I'm pregnant, what do we do?" conversation can wait for the following day.
But the next day, James is called away on urgent Order business, and the day after that Madam Richards comes down with a bad cold and needs Lily to run the Apothecary. Things keep coming up, and before she knows it, it's Friday, and James will inevitably have plans to go out drinking with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Between everything that's happened during the week, Lily hasn't had the time or energy she thought the conversation merited. And, over the three days since Lily worked up the courage to tell James, that very courage has faded and been replaced with anxiety.
Lily's tried desperately to hide her anxiety from James, but she's fairly certain he hasn't completely believed her facade. He keeps looking at her intently and asking her if she's doing alright, if there's anything wrong. Each time she denies it, she can see a flicker of doubt flash through his eyes. And, each time, her guilt grows.
The timing hasn't been right. I'll tell him when the timing is right, Lily tells herself as she puts a pot of water on to boil. But, even as she thinks this, she knows that the timing is never just going to be right. She's going to have to make it right, find the time necessary to discuss the baby. And she's going to have to do it soon, before her courage fails entirely or James forms his own reasons for her recent mood.
"You're not cooking, are you?" a familiar voice asks, breaking through Lily's thoughts. Lily turns from the pot of sauce she's stirring to see a bemused Sirius standing in the kitchen doorway.
"So what if I am?" Lily demands, fixing Sirius with a cold glare.
"I was planning to join the two of you for dinner, but now..."
"Careful, Padfoot," James warns, appearing next to Sirius.
"I'm sorry," Sirius replies, not sounding the least bit apologetic. "I've just had enough experience eating this bird's cooking. If you can call it that."
"Like you could do better," Lily challenges, holding out the spoon she'd been stirring with.
"Of course I couldn't," Sirius says with a laugh. "But I know that, so I don't try. You, on the other hand... You don't seem to know a lost cause when you see it."
"Well, it's just spaghetti; even I can manage that. And, don't worry. I bought the sauce." Lily turns to James, raising her eyebrows accusatorily. "You invited this ingrate here?"
"Followed me home," James replies. "He's like a stray dog; I can't get rid of him."
"I'm sure you tried very hard," Lily mutters under her breath.
"You two know you'd be lost without me," Sirius cuts in. He walks across the kitchen and slings an arm over Lily's shoulder. "It's like a disease; all Potters must love Sirius Black. You can't avoid it."
"Try as I might, you have a point," Lily says with a smile, giving Sirius a peck on the cheek before shoving his arm off her and turning back to the stove. "So, what mad plans do you lot have tonight?"
"The usual," James answers.
"Drunken debauchery," Sirius adds. "You're free to join us, Red. I know Prongs here doesn't like sharing, but I'm sure you could convince him."
"As appealing as that sounds, I think I'll decline. James, do you mind setting a place for Sirius?"
"Do you have plans for tonight, love? Debauchery aside, you are welcome to join us." James asks, causing plates and cutlery to fly from the cupboards to an empty spot at the table. He gestures to the icebox and, when Sirius nods, grabs a couple butterbeers and places them on the table.
"I'm just having water," Lily says, glancing at the table. "And I think I'll let you four boys be on your own tonight. It's been a long week. I think an evening in front of the telly is just what I need."
"Alone?" James asks, his voice full of incredulity.
"I don't mind solitude; it gives me a break from all the testosterone."
"You know..." James starts, a thoughtful look on his face. "I heard Frank mention the other day that Alice was going to be alone this weekend while he's out on duty for the Aurors. You could have her over, and then the two of you could enjoy solitude together."
"Then it's not solitude, mate," Sirius interjects, earning himself a swat over the head.
"I'll feel significantly less guilty going out if you're not alone," James continues in a softer voice, moving so that he's right up next to Lily."I'm worried about you. You've seemed off, lately."
"I'll be fine, James," Lily insists, setting down the spoon and putting her hands on James' shoulders. Now, with Sirius just feet away, was definitely not the time for the conversation. "Go, have fun with your friends. I'll have Alice over, if she's willing. Don't worry about me."
"I always worry about you," James says before dipping his head to kiss her.
Lily returns the kiss, her worries fading away at the feel of James' lips on hers.
This, she knows, will never get old. She's about to wrap her arms around his neck and deepen the kiss when a strangled sounds from across the room, and they break apart.
"I only have so much restraint," Sirius says, eyes cast up towards the ceiling. "There's only so long I can pretend I'm not here before I actually have to be not here."
"Oh, shove it," James retorts, before planting another brief kiss on Lily's forehead and breaking away from her completely.
A timer goes off, and Lily banishes the water from the pasta pot.
"Enough, you two. Dinner's ready."
After James and Sirius leave, Lily takes as long as she can cleaning up from dinner. She clears the table manually, taking more trips to and from the sink than is strictly necessary, and washes the dishes by hand. Lily knows that she's being ridiculous in this procrastination. But, she needs time to clear her head and mentally prepare for what she knows will be a trying conversation.
The prospect of flooing Alice is both daunting and comforting at once. James didn't know how appropriate his suggestion was, and Lily's surprised that she didn't think of it herself. After all, Alice and Frank announced to the entire Order that Alice was pregnant just a few weeks ago. She's due to deliver in mid July, just a few weeks before Lily herself is. What's more, Alice is in the Order and she had just finished her Auror training. She, more than anybody else, will be able to understand the confusion and anxiety that is clouding Lily's mind.
And yet, Lily is a bit reluctant to discuss it with her. Especially since she hasn't talked about it with James. It doesn't feel completely right that anybody know before James.
Still, over the past year and a half, Alice has become one of Lily's closest friends outside of James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. A few years ahead of her at Hogwarts, Alice had been something of a role model for Lily, but the age gap had prevented them from ever really being friends.
That had changed, though, when Lily graduated from Hogwarts and joined the Order. Alice and Marlene McKinnon, both of whom had been in the Order for several months, took Lily under their wings and made her feel welcome. Being the only one of her friends who had joined the Order upon graduation, Lily appreciated the instant camaraderie and quickly grew to genuinely like the pair of them. Now, not even two years after leaving Hogwarts, Lily feels closer to Alice than she does to any of her dormmates after seven years.
By the time she's finished drying and putting away the dishes, Lily has convinced herself that she should talk to Alice. She doubts that James would be upset with her for confiding in her best friend. Merlin knows he confides in Sirius before her often enough.
Before she changes her mind - because she's done enough of that this past week to last a life time - Lily crosses the kitchen to the living room, grabs a handful of floo powder and throws it in fireplace. Taking a deep breath, she kneels down and sticks her head in.
"Number twenty-six Dunfold Drive," Lily says, sticking her head in the fireplace. After the familiar - but still unpleasant - spinning sensation, the Longbottom's living room appears in front of her. Alice is sitting on the couch, flipping idly through a magazine. As soon as Lily arrives, though, she looks up.
"Hey, Lily," she says, getting up and crossing over to kneel in front of the fire. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah, everything's fine," Lily answers, giving Alice a reassuring smile.
"Oh good." Alice sighs in apparent relief. "I just... well, I wasn't expecting you to call, and..."
"I get it, Alice," Lily assures her, and she does. An unexpected message these days often comes with unwanted news. "I just... Well, James mentioned that Frank was out on duty this weekend, and I thought you might care for some company. And, if you didn't mind, I really could use some advice."
"Of course I don't mind!" Alice exclaims. "Please, come over. I'll make us some tea, and we can talk."
"And you're sure I'm not intruding?"
"Intruding on what?" Alice laughs and gestures to the empty house. "Honestly, Lily, I could use some distraction from the fact that Frank is off, potentially fighting, while I'm stuck at home reading about Muggle knitting patterns. Please, come over."
Lily smiles and nods before pulling her head back out of the fireplace. Grabbing her wand, she activates the extra security wards. As a last minute thought, Lily runs to the kitchen cupboard and pulls out her secret stash - the stash that James knows nothing about - of Honeyduke's chocolate. With one last check that the flat is secure, she throws a handful of powder into the fireplace and steps in.
"I'm in the kitchen," Alice calls as Lily steps out of the fireplace.
"I brought chocolate," Lily calls back, dusting soot off her clothing and stepping off the hearth.
"Brilliant. I could really use some of that right now." Alice appears in the entrance way to the room, levitating a tray with tea. "When Frank goes on mission... Well, it's harder now, knowing that I can't take as many risks as I used to. I can't go with him, and I'm left at home to wait."
"I can imagine," Lily responds truthfully. She has been imagining it. Just the previous weekend, when James was called out, Lily had wondered if that was what it would be like for the next several months. And now, she realises, that it is. That's exactly what will happen.
"But, you said you wanted to talk, and here I am blabbering on about myself," Alice says with a smile, sitting down on the sofa and gesturing for Lily to do the same. "Have some tea, and we'll talk."
"It's not wholly unrelated, actually," Lily says, fixing herself some tea and settling back into the couch. Now that she's here, with Alice, drinking tea, she feels much calmer, much more like she actually can have this conversation
.
"Oh?" Alice asks, raising her eyebrows and nodding for Lily to continue.
"I'm pregnant." The words, Lily finds, are easier to say than she'd expected. They still fill her with panic and dread, but she doesn't have to force them out. Not to Alice, who surely understands exactly why she's afraid.
"Usually I'd offer congratulations," Alice says, eying Lily carefully. "But, somehow, I don't think you're exactly thrilled."
"I... I don't know what to do, Alice." Lily bites her lip and looks at her friend pleadingly.
"Have you seen a Healer? Are you certain?"
"Yes, I'm certain. I saw a doctor at a clinic in a nearby Muggle neighbourhood," Lily explains. "It felt more... comfortable... to go to a Muggle doctor, I guess, since I grew up with one."
"That makes sense; I understand completely. But, you know, you really should see a Healer. The magic can make things work differently, and there can be complications that a Muggle doctor won't expect or know what to make of."
Lily nods, and Alice studies her for a couple moments. Lily can feel Alice searching her face, trying to suss out exactly what's going through Lily's mind. It's almost a relief, Lily thinks, that her friend has learned to read her so well over the past several months.
"You haven't told James yet, have you?" Alice asks. "He doesn't know, does he?"
"No," Lily admits. "I didn't want to tell him until I knew how I felt about it."
"And how do you feel about it?"
"Confused," Lily says, voicing her feelings aloud for the first time, "confused and scared and worried. Part of me can't help but be excited, because the baby is mine and James'. But part of me is terrified. James and I are only nineteen; we're still kids. Not to mention Voldemort and the Order and the war. It's just not a good time to have a baby."
"It's never a good time to have a baby," Alice says, and she places a hand on her lower abdomen. "There's always something. But this war isn't ending any time soon, and you can't put it off forever. That's what Frank and I realised. We may as well start now, because it's not going to be any easier until it's too late."
"But you're twenty-three, and Frank's twenty-five," Lily points out. "That's a far shot from nineteen. I just don't think we're ready for it."
"I think you need to talk to James about it, not me," Alice says. "As much advice as I can give you, the child is yours and James', not mine."
"I know." Lily sighs. "I'm just afraid that, once James finds out, he'll be so excited and happy about it. I'm afraid that his excitement will be contagious, and I'll forget why I was worried in the first place."
"You're afraid of being happy?" Alice teases.
"I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and bringing a child into a world that doesn't want it."
Lily sighs and breaking off a piece of the chocolate she brought. The words she just uttered escaped before she knew she was saying them. But, now that they're hanging in the air, Lily realises that they're true, and that they're at the centre of the entire issue. It's not fair to her or James or the Order to have an unplanned baby. But, what's more, it's not fair to the child.
"For what it's worth," Alice says after a moment, "I think you and James will make great parents."
"I appreciate that," Lily replies, truly grateful. Neither of them say anything for a couple minutes. They sit in silence, sipping their tea and eating Lily's chocolate. Lily knows that Alice is waiting for her to say more, but that she won't push. It's one of the things that Lily likes most about her friend: she's easy to talk to and encourages confidence without being pushy. And, as always, it works.
"You know," Lily starts, "when I first suspected that I might be pregnant, I kind of hoped that it would just go away - the baby, I mean. And, I mean, I've thought about what I would do... if I would just get rid of it and pretend it never happened. But, Alice, I don't think I can do that either. I can't kill my baby. I can't get rid of it, but I wouldn't be heartbroken if it got rid of itself. Does that make me a horrible person?"
"Not horrible, no," Alice responds, her voice quiet. "It's normal to be scared, Lily. If you weren't, I'd be worried. Like you said, you and James are young. But I still stick by what I said: you and James will make great parents. Doubt the world, doubt society, but don't doubt yourselves. And talk to him. He's your husband. You're not supposed to do this alone."
--
You're not supposed to do this alone... Talk to James.
Alice's words echo through Lily's mind all night, keeping her awake even as James snores drunkenly beside her. She knows they're right, and she knows what she needs to do. And, really, breaking the news for the second time won't be as hard, will it? It's James, after all. There's nothing she can't tell him. And, as this thought settles in her head, she falls asleep.
On Saturday morning, Lily rises early, before James even starts to stir. She slips out of bed and quietly dresses in her favourite worn jeans and sweater before heading to the living room to floo St Mungo's. Alice gave her the name of her Pregnancy Healer before Lily left, telling her that no matter what Lily decided, she really needed to speak to one. After she's made an appointment - the coming Thursday at one in the afternoon - Lily puts on her jacket to go down the corner cafe.
She cannot think of a better way to break the news to James than with his favourite breakfast. Morning buns are one of their things. After their first bad fight as a couple, James showed up on Lily's front step with a bag of the sweet, sticky buns and a cup of steaming hot coffee. When his father died, they'd had pastries for breakfast for a week. Something about the buns make it easier for the two of them to talk, to work out their problems. And, well, despite the fact that Lily's committed one-hundred percent to telling him the news, she needs all the encouragement she can get.
Lily smiles at the jingle of the bell as she opens the door to the cafe. The familiar aroma of baked goods and coffee washes over her. And this, almost as much as anything else, reminds her that she's doing the right thing.
"'Lo, there," the woman behind the counter says, giving Lily a cheery smile. "I'm Sherry, how can I help you?"
"Could I have two morning buns, a breakfast tea, and a black coffee, please?" Lily asks.
"That'll be one galleon, five sickles," the woman says, setting about to fill Lily's order, and Lily reaches into her pocket to take out the appropriate gold.
"You know, it's awfully cold outside. I never quite believe that winter doesn't start officially for another week. So far as I'm concerned, winter starts when it snows. But, what can you do. Spring will come soon enough, I s'pose. Well, here you go, love. Careful, the cups are hot."
Lily smiles and thanks her as she takes the bagged buns and drinks from the woman. She's right, though; spring will come soon enough, as will the end of the war.
Snow has started falling again when Lily pushes open the door to leave. And, though the air is cold, there is no wind. It reminds her of the day, barely over a week ago, when she found out she's pregnant. There's the same sense of serenity in the air, but today Lily doesn't feel as though it's a facade. Rather, she sees it as a glimpse of what will be, someday. Despite everything, things will be okay.
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