Mirror, Mirror (Otalia, 8/8)
Title: Mirror, Mirror
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.
Prism
“I never thought I could have anything like this. I certainly didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“That’s not true. Everything about you is alive and passionate. You make me so happy.”
“I do?”
“You know you do.”
~*~
“You’re home early,” Natalia said as Olivia walked into the nursery.
Olivia waited for Natalia to finish putting Francesca in her crib before she moved forward to greet her more fully. Natalia smiled as she stepped into Olivia’s embrace, tilting her face upwards so that Olivia could lightly kiss her mouth.
“I thought you might like some help,” Olivia said, the comment earning her a smile and a soft laugh, both tinged with relief.
“I would love that,” Natalia said. She glanced towards the door, and Olivia could tell that she was picturing the rest of the house. “It’s such a mess...”
Olivia knew the truth of that description all too well. She had come close to tripping on boxes twice in the short time it had taken her to put her things down in their bedroom. She had felt herself relax when she found Natalia in the nursery. In here, with Francesca sleeping, they could stand next to each other and enjoy the illusion that the move-in was completed. They could pretend that everything was in order and that their afternoon together could be peaceful. Quiet.
Not that they could deceive themselves for long. This was the only room in the house without boxes--and Francesca was a very vocal child.
Olivia hadn’t thought the move would be this hectic. Last time, aside from the arguing, unpacking had been accomplished with remarkable efficiency. Natalia had been responsible for most of that, it was true, but Olivia had thought the process would only go faster with both of them working together.
And it had started out like she predicted. With Natalia already settled, they only had to worry about packing up one of them. Olivia had decided to bring things from storage as well as from her suite, but hiring a crew of movers had simplified everything. All she’d had to do was call, and they had her packed up and inside the farmhouse within the space of a day.
But the unpacking...she and Natalia were still working on that.
It was harder this time. Their attention was divided in too many directions. They hadn’t had a baby, before, or Emma’s summer schedule - the camp days and the dance classes, the library hours, the play-dates - all of which complicated their commutes. And then there was Olivia’s work schedule--some days she couldn’t get away early enough for them to get much done in the evenings.
Natalia had ended up doing some of the unpacking on her own, and Olivia couldn’t have been more grateful. With Natalia’s help, Emma’s room had been cleared of all but a few boxes. But even though Blake had been allowing Natalia to work from home for the last week, she was still limited in what she could accomplish, especially since she had started to prepare for Rafe’s visit next month.
Olivia had been surprised to hear that he planned to come home for his leave - he knew about the move-in - and she thought that Natalia had felt surprise, too. So far Natalia’s strongest visible reaction to the news had been her determination to make sure that Rafe felt welcomed back into his house. It was a goal that required even more unpacking--up until last week most of Rafe’s belongings had been at Frank’s
Natalia had been working on Rafe’s room ever since Frank dropped everything off to them, and, slowly, between that and the rest of the house, the empty boxes had started to pile up.
It just wasn’t happening fast enough for either of them. They wanted to be done.
Emma was the only one in the house who seemed immune to any of the frustrations associated with the move. She was finally living where she wanted, and that was all that mattered to her. She liked the boxes, played guessing games with them. If asked, she would happily search through them, and Olivia had made use of that willingness a few times the first day or so of unpacking, particularly if she thought of something she didn’t want to forget while she was busy with Francesca.
And as much as Olivia and Natalia liked seeing empty boxes, Emma liked them even more. Late one afternoon, Olivia came home to find a fort in their living room...though, to her daughter’s dismay, Olivia had been impressed by her creation only after its destruction. Emma’s lookout system had involved the stairs, and she had misjudged distances, building too close to the door. The mistake had been discovered when Olivia entered the living room--two steps inside, and boxes had tumbled, Emma had protested, and Natalia had come out of the kitchen to investigate the noise of it all.
Natalia’s expression had been a study in innocence as she walked into the living room, but Olivia had been convinced she’d heard laughter from the kitchen. She had asked Natalia about it later, when they should have been unpacking, and both of them had gotten distracted by her chosen method of questioning.
That was another one of their problems. It didn’t take very much to distract them.
Like right now. They should be unpacking, but neither of them seemed in any hurry to move from their present position, standing next to each other, watching Francesca sleep.
Olivia kept a hand on Natalia’s hip as she turned to face the crib. She hadn’t entirely adjusted yet to being able to see this daughter everyday. She used every excuse possible to take care of her--there had already been a few times when Natalia had tried to argue her out of getting out of bed for nighttime feedings...
“She really is beautiful,” Olivia said.
“She is.” Natalia moved her hand to cover Olivia’s hand where it rested on her hip. She looked down into the crib, considering. “I think she has your eyes.”
Olivia smiled. She had come to appreciate Natalia’s ability to keep a straight face when making a joke. “Honey,” she said, “I might have figured out how you keep getting pregnant.”
Natalia’s face became readable again, and she didn’t look very impressed. “You think you’re so funny,” she said.
“I’m just trying to be helpful.”
“Oh, you’re helpful-”
“Hey,” Olivia said, interrupting what was sure to be a tirade, “if you don’t want to hear about it from me, there’s always Doris. She seems eager to talk to people lately.”
“Doris? What does she have to do with...?” Natalia paused as Olivia moved two of the fingers resting against her hipbone. “You mean...?” At Olivia’s nod, Natalia’s expression became incredulous. “Doris?”
Francesca stirred at the exclamation, and Natalia lowered her voice. “You talked about us...like that...with the mayor?”
“Well, I didn’t do any of the talking.” When Natalia didn’t respond to the quip, Olivia wondered if she had taken it too far. She thought now might be a good time to explain. “Natalia-”
“I can't believe you…” Natalia absently brushed at her face, and Olivia didn’t know whether or not she should--
Natalia tilted her head to the side and glanced up at her. “What did she say?”
Olivia had a hard time keeping her laughter quiet. God, she loved her.
“I didn’t let her get very far.” For the second time in the conversation, Olivia found herself surprised by Natalia’s reaction. She hadn’t expected disappointment. “I could make something up...”
Natalia glanced over at her again. “You are good at that.”
Olivia wasn’t sure at first whether she had been complimented or insulted, but when Natalia turned towards her and initiated a kiss, it wasn’t difficult to figure out. It was all the encouragement she needed to take Natalia’s hand and lead her down the hallway to the bedroom they now shared.
As soon as they walked into their room, Natalia started kissing her again, and Olivia kissed her back, not bothering with the door. Leaving it open would only make it easier to hear Francesca if she cried--though right now Olivia found herself hoping to have a stretch of time to focus on the woman in front of her--the woman whose hands were already...
Olivia caught Natalia’s hands in her own and started backing her across the room. They didn’t stop kissing each other as they made their way towards the bed, and it made skirting boxes difficult...they didn’t quite succeed. Olivia was still laughing about the collision - and their respective forms of commentary - as she pulled Natalia’s shirt over her head.
Olivia’s movements slowed then, became more deliberate. She slid Natalia’s bra straps down her arms, then leaned in to kiss her shoulders. She could feel Natalia react to the caress...and she could also feel her distraction.
“We’re not getting anything done,” Natalia murmured. The observation was made with obvious reluctance, and she made no attempt to pull away, but Olivia looked up at her, regardless.
What she saw confirmed what she had suspected. Natalia had a strong sense of responsibility, and usually Olivia would oblige it - her work ethic - but with their schedules they didn’t have much time, and it had been two days...
“I always knew you didn’t like to have fun,” Olivia said, her words a provocation. She knew that Natalia wouldn’t be able to resist...
As she waited for the response, Olivia unfastened the back of Natalia’s bra.
“You said you were going to be helpful.” Natalia’s reproach was undercut by her actions as she moved her arms forward, helping Olivia slide the garment off her. “And I like to have fun,” she added.
Olivia hid a smile at the assertion. She rarely got to see Natalia pout. “So you’re not changing your mind?” she asked. She’d been holding the bra between them, but now she dropped it and pulled Natalia closer. She let her hands explore Natalia’s back, loving the softness of her skin.
“Never,” Natalia said, and Olivia looked up her tone. “I’ve always wanted this.”
Olivia’s arms tightened around her. “No, you didn’t,” she said.
“I-” Natalia began, then studied Olivia’s face. “I do now.”
Olivia leaned forward to rest her cheek against the side of Natalia’s head. She left one hand low, on Natalia’s back, and raised the other to stroke her hair. “I know,” she said, giving herself a minute.
When she drew back from the embrace, Natalia was watching her, waiting, and Olivia loved her for it. She touched Natalia’s face, fingers barely making contact, then moved her hands to Natalia’s waist. Stepping forward, Olivia eased her back until she was sitting on the bed.
As Olivia started to pull away, Natalia reached out for one of her hands, and Olivia felt the pressure on her fingers increase as she knelt down by the bed.
She had been planning to take off Natalia’s shoes, but now, aware of Natalia’s heightened attention, Olivia found herself wanting to hold her again. She gave in to the urge and wrapped her arms around Natalia’s waist, shifting forward to rest her head against Natalia’s chest.
She felt Natalia’s fingers in her hair, and looked up just in time to see it--that small, secretive smile. Before Olivia could fully appreciate it, Natalia lowered her head, her hair a soft fall around them as she kissed Olivia where she knelt.
~*~
Natalia stood and piled the last of the empty boxes in the corner of Emma’s room.
She smiled, enjoying the feeling of accomplishment. The house might still be a mess, but at least she had one room finished. And, if all went well, she might finish another one today. Frank and Blake had taken Francesca for a few days, and though Natalia missed her, she was thankful for the extra hours she had to work and to sleep...and to spend with Olivia. Both of them had appreciated not having to get out of bed last night.
And she had been happy to have a day alone with Emma, even if they both had work to do. Until today, they hadn’t spent more than a few hours together, just the two of them, since before Francesca’s birth. Natalia still couldn’t believe how sweet Emma had been about it during her visits--even when Natalia couldn’t get Francesca to nap, Emma had never complained.
“I found them,” Emma said as she came back into her room.
Natalia walked over to her and took some of the books from her arms. She hadn’t realized there would be so many of them, or she would have gone with Emma on her search to help her carry them.
“They got put in with your Mom’s books, didn’t they?” Natalia guessed.
Emma nodded, and Natalia thought it was cute, how proud she looked of herself.
Natalia followed Emma to the bookcase by the bed and they sat down together, stacking the books on the floor.
As they settled themselves, Emma turned to look at the far wall, then looked back, excited. “You finished the boxes!” she said.
“I did,” Natalia said, smiling at her. She nodded in the direction of Emma’s bed. “I put your dolls over there, but we can move them.”
Natalia watched as Emma examined the row of dolls lined up in front of her pillows. “I like them there,” she said, resting her head against Natalia’s side. When Natalia put an arm around her, she looked up again. “Are we done?”
Natalia tapped one of the stacks of books in front of them. “Almost.”
Emma leaned forward and started sorting the books. Natalia didn’t try to help her with that - Emma had her own system - but she did reach up into the bookcase to straighten a few of the books that had fallen, trying to make some extra room.
She lowered her arm as Emma moved closer to the bookcase and started putting some of the books away.
“When I’m finished can we go to the park?” Emma asked as she reached down to pick up more books.
Natalia hesitated. She would love to take Emma to the park, and they hadn’t been in a very long time. But Emma had lots of activities planned this week - she had camp again tomorrow and then a sleepover at Jodie’s - and Olivia had specifically asked...
“Didn’t your mom say we needed to make sure you work on your reading list today?” Natalia asked, feeling certain that Emma knew about the request. Olivia rarely asked her to enforce a rule or a chore that Emma might not like without warning Emma about it first.
“Yeah.” Emma paused, book in hand, and considered her. “Do you listen to everything my Mom says?”
Emma had witnessed enough arguments that the question surprised Natalia. She took a moment, fixing the band in Emma’s hair as she thought about how to answer her. She could tell Emma that it was different, with grown-ups...but she wanted her to understand.
She decided to keep it simple. “Your mom and I listen to each other.”
“Like about moving back in here?” Emma asked. Before Natalia could respond, Emma shook her head. “Because she didn’t listen to me.”
Natalia tried to hide her dismay. It was clear where Emma still placed the blame for all the months apart--and Natalia couldn’t let Olivia continue to protect her like that. Emma needed to know that they both made mistakes.
“Emma...” Natalia said. She wondered how much she should tell her without discussing it with Olivia first. “Your mom and I love each other-” Natalia felt an echo of her earlier relief at Emma’s matter-of-fact nod. It had been unexpectedly easy, explaining it to her. “But we wanted to make sure that things would work out, before you moved back in. You don’t want to have to move again-” Natalia stopped at Emma’s vigorous head shake. “No more moving?”
“No,” Emma said firmly. “No more moving.” She placed two more books on her bookshelf, then showed Natalia her empty hands.
“That’s it?” Natalia asked her.
“Yes.”
“Then I think we’re done.” Natalia bumped their shoulders together as she finished the declaration, and Emma giggled, then mimicked the action.
They were still grinning at each other as Natalia helped Emma to stand, and she nearly forgot that they had one more thing to clean-up.
Emma reminded her. Once they were both standing, she took Natalia’s hand and pulled her over to the pile of empty boxes.
“Are you going to do Rafe’s room now?” Emma asked as they started picking the boxes up. When Natalia nodded, Emma eyed her hopefully. “Can I help?”
The offer seemed sweet - was sweet - but Natalia was not fooled. “You really don’t want to study today,” she said, and Emma’s reaction to being found out only increased her desire to laugh. She knew that guilty look.
“Do I have to?” Emma asked.
Natalia would have hugged her, but both of them had their hands full. “Yes,” she said. “But why don’t we get your books and a snack and you can sit in Rafe’s room while you work and keep me company?”
Emma appeared satisfied with the compromise. Without another word of protest, she adjusted the boxes in her arms and moved in the direction of the door.
Natalia glanced around the room one last time, checking their work, then picked up the last of the boxes and followed Emma out of the room.
~*~
Olivia lowered herself into her chair and set her lunch down on her desk. For a second, she sat there, motionless, hoping to ease the strength of her headache.
She had taken something for it, before her meeting, but she had yet to feel any effect. It had started in the middle of the night, and she probably shouldn’t have waited to deal with it. But Francesca had been crying - teething now, in earnest - and then Emma had been running late. Natalia had called Jane, but she’d been busy...and so Olivia had ended up being late as well.
She had arrived at the Beacon just in time for her meeting, and in some ways the pain had been beneficial--it had given her that edge. She had successfully negotiated an agreement with the new caterer, one very advantageous to the hotel, but her head ached too much for her to properly savor the victory.
And she didn’t know how she was going to keep her promise to Natalia, to be home early tonight. She had a staff meeting this afternoon that she couldn’t miss, and there simply wasn’t enough time...
She reached out and touched the paper sack in front of her. There had been no time this morning, and she didn’t understand how Natalia had managed to pack her a lunch. Francesca’s crying, Emma’s missing shirt, getting everyone ready--Olivia had barely had time to shower and dress herself. She hadn’t been thinking about breakfast, and she certainly hadn’t considered lunch.
But when she stepped outside the house, Natalia had called out to her. As she turned to answer - realizing, then, that she had forgotten their kiss good-bye - Natalia had pushed the lunch into her hands and kissed her. Natalia’s hair had still been damp as it brushed her cheek, and between that and the lunch in her hands, it had taken a moment for Olivia to respond. When she did, she chose to ignore their time constraints, and Natalia had looked very flushed - and a bit smug - as she finally pulled away.
It was the only time all morning Olivia had forgotten about her headache, although she thought the pain medication had started to take effect. She could focus again, which meant she should try to catch-up on her paperwork.
She looked at the lunch one more time. She hadn’t opened the bag, but she guessed that its contents would be simple: a sandwich, maybe some of the cookies they had baked together over the weekend. It didn’t really matter--
Her cell phone rang, and she pulled it out of her purse. She checked the number and smiled. Sam.
She opened the conversation with a warning. “I’m sorry, honey,” she said. “I don’t have long to talk.”
“Ouch. I get the brush-off before you even say hello.”
“Sam...” She wished she had more time. They had been better about staying in contact, but they still didn’t talk all that often.
“I’m joking, Olivia. Never apologize for being upfront. You know I appreciate that.”
She did know that, but as she considered when she might be able to tell him, upfront, that she had unlimited time to talk, she couldn’t help but laugh. “Well,” she said, “you’ll have to keep appreciating it, at least until this move is over-”
“Are you still going ahead with with that?”
“Of course I am,” Olivia said. She thought she had made that clear in their last conversation, but Sam’s impatience, the way he interrupted her, let her know he had been hoping she would wait. “We love each other...” she tried to think of what else she could say to make him understand that this time it really was different, something she hadn’t said the last time they had spoken...
Olivia looked at the paper sack in front of her. “She packed me a lunch.”
“I can see how that would fix everything.”
“Sam-”
“I get it, Liv. You’ve told me.”
And she could tell he still wasn’t pleased about it. Even with everything they had discussed...
She found that she wasn’t surprised. If the situation had been reversed, she probably would have felt the same way. “It's already done,” she informed him. She let her voice soften. “Can't you be happy for me?”
“I am happy for you,” he said reluctantly. “Look,” he said, after a pause, “I can’t forget what she did to you, but-”
“We talked about that-”
“-but I’m a reasonable individual.”
“Since when?”
“Since you convinced me to give up my bike.”
It took Olivia a few seconds to realize that he was serious. She hadn’t known that their conversation about Natalia’s involvement with Gus - with her heart - had affected him that way.
“I’m not insensible to the fact that she’s the reason you’re still here, talking to me,” he continued, and he sounded so serious that Olivia considered interrupting him, easing the mood, but he beat her to it. “And she got that you’re a romantic, I’ll give her that.”
Olivia looked down at the paper sack in front of her as she smiled. She had known Sam would appreciate the significance of Natalia’s gift--would understand what it meant to her. He had been the only one she told, and she hadn’t regretted it.
Though now he was making accusations. “You know,” she said, “I’m not the one who once climbed a lighthouse tower to rescue a damsel in distress.”
“Guilty as charged,” he said, and even without seeing him, Olivia knew that he was smiling at her, challenging her. When he laughed, she realized she was in trouble. “If we’re talking about my exploits now, I should tell you that I just got back from New Zealand and, Sis, the cliff-diving there, it’s-”
“I don’t want to know!” She leaned back in her chair, experiencing a return of her headache. Why did he always feel the need to tell her these things?
He laughed again, and they talked for a few more minutes before they both decided it was time to hang up. They mostly avoided the topic of her move, but as Sam said good-bye he made a joke about farms - appropriate housewarming presents - and Olivia thought he would come around...eventually.
She looked at her cell phone, checking the time. It was a little early, but she reached out and pulled her lunch closer, knowing that if she waited, she might not get a chance to eat.
~*~
Natalia leaned over and shifted the cooler away from her feet. They had been in the car for almost an hour now, and she needed to stretch her legs.
If she had realized the trip would be this long, she would have put the cooler in the trunk with the rest of the meal she had packed. When they left the house for their family picnic, she had assumed they were going to the park.
She should have known better. Not only because Olivia had insisted on driving, but also because she had taken the entire day off work.
It just hadn’t occurred to Natalia to question it. Blake was on vacation with Frank, so Natalia had been off for most of the week--it had seemed natural for Olivia to want to take advantage of at least one of those days to spend time together.
And they had been so productive. They had finished the last of the boxes in their bedroom - without getting distracted at all - and then spent the rest of the morning baking together. She had been sitting in the kitchen, nursing Francesca while they waited for pastry dough to chill, when Olivia suggested an afternoon picnic.
Natalia had immediately agreed. It seemed like a good reward for getting so much done, and she knew Emma would be excited. After they finished baking, Olivia offered to get Francesca’s things together, so Natalia had taken care of the food. She and Olivia had met up in the car, and although Natalia noticed the presence of Francesca’s extra bag, she hadn’t really been suspicious until she realized they were picking Emma up from camp early.
She had known then that Olivia’s plans didn’t involve the park--but she still didn’t know where they were going.
Not for the first time during the ride, she turned to study Olivia, who smiled, knowing she was being watched.
“You’re really not going to tell me, are you?”
“No.”
“Please?” Natalia asked. She knew that a similar request by Emma had already been refused, and she didn’t think she’d have any more success, but she was curious enough to try anyway.
Olivia glanced over at her, hesitating, then shook her head. “I want it to be a surprise,” she said. As they turned into the sun, she slid her sunglasses down from where they rested on her head to cover her eyes, and then said, quietly, “I want it to be special.”
Natalia thought Olivia seemed embarrassed by her final sentiment - the mushiness of it - even though she had to know there was no reason to feel that way.
She had to know that Natalia would love it.
“It will be,” Natalia said as she lifted a hand to rest on the console.
Her gesture didn’t go unnoticed. Olivia continued to focus on the road, but she took a hand off the wheel and moved it to cover Natalia’s hand.
Natalia relaxed and settled back in her seat, determined to show patience for the rest of the trip...but a few minutes later the car slowed, and Olivia moved her hand back to the wheel as she turned off the road and into a parking lot.
Olivia parked the car, then turned towards her. Now Natalia felt herself being watched as she stared at the structure in front of them. It was small and it was stone and it had a large number of windows.
And it was a church.
Olivia had taken her to a church.
Natalia didn’t know how long she stared before Olivia’s laugh drew her attention back inside the car. She knew it couldn’t have been very long, because Emma hadn’t complained about the delay. Natalia could hear her in the backseat, putting books away in the backpack Olivia had brought for her.
She felt Olivia touch her hand again. When she looked up, she found that Olivia was no longer hiding her anticipation, her excitement, and Natalia wondered how she hadn’t sensed it this morning. She had attributed Olivia’s good mood to them finally getting to spend a day together...
“Come on,” Olivia said.
Her eagerness was infectious, and Natalia automatically reached down for the food at her feet--only to be stopped by a touch to the arm.
“Later,” Olivia said. As she unbuckled her seatbelt, she turned her head to look into the backseat. “You ready to get out of the car, Em?”
“Yeah,” Emma said, her smile growing as she saw her mom’s excitement. “Where are we?” she asked as they started climbing out of the car.
Natalia let Olivia take care of Emma’s questions while she took the baby out of her car seat. Francesca had been napping during the car ride and she hardly roused as Natalia picked her up. However, when Natalia straightened up outside the car, Francesca whimpered at the sudden brightness, pressing her face into the shirt in front of her. Natalia started to soothe her, but as she drew her closer, rubbing her back, she felt Francesca relax in her arms, heavy with sleep.
As Natalia walked over to join the rest of her family, she and Olivia exchanged relieved looks. They would have a much better evening if Francesca napped a little longer. Emma demonstrated that she had learned this lesson with them; she had been talking with her mom as Natalia approached, but she quieted when she saw that her sister was asleep.
Olivia waited until Natalia was standing beside her, then she took Emma’s hand and walked in the direction of the church. By the time they reached the front steps, Natalia could guess why Olivia had brought them here, but the knowledge didn’t diminish the effect of walking inside.
She didn’t think anything could diminish the effect of those windows.
As Olivia held the door for her, Natalia was already examining them. She had seen stained glass before, many times, but never in windows like these. The glass itself, the richness of it - the deepness of the colors - the pictures depicted in the various panes...
Natalia didn’t stop admiring them until Emma walked in front of her. From the way Emma was looking around, it was clear that her attention had also been captured by the windows. She was studying the ones across from her with great interest, and Natalia wondered if she recognized any of the scenes illustrated in the glass.
Olivia brushed against Natalia as she joined Emma where she stood.
“Aren’t they pretty?” Olivia asked her. She received the briefest of nods before Emma took off across the room. “Oh, there she goes...” Olivia glanced back at Natalia, laughing, and Natalia laughed with her as they moved closer together.
Once they were standing next each other, Olivia turned so they could both watch Emma. Their daughter had found a window that featured animals and now had her head tilted back, peering closely at a flock of sheep.
Natalia had never pictured this happening, when she woke up that morning.
“How did you...?” she said, knowing she didn’t have to finish the question. She was a little surprised it had taken her this long to ask.
Olivia looked over at Natalia with a small smile. “When I was reading the paper the other day, I saw an article on churches in the area...” she touched a finger to her mouth and took in the room. “I thought you would like this one.”
The way Olivia’s smiled changed as she said those last words made it difficult for Natalia to concentrate on the words themselves, but when she heard them - understood them - she shook her head. Olivia had known she would like it.
Olivia seemed to understand her reaction, but instead of commenting, she started walking toward the nearest set of windows.
Natalia followed her, increasingly aware of the emptiness around them. The church had been open to them, but they were the only ones there. She hadn’t seen anyone else, not even a member of the clergy, and it made her suspect that Olivia had called ahead. She thought about asking her, but as she looked at her, expectant, waiting by the windows, Natalia decided she could question her later.
They looked at the first wall of windows together. There, contained in glass, were illustrations of scenes Natalia knew by heart. Despite finding the renditions beautiful - meaningful - she didn’t linger over them. Francesca would be hungry soon, and they had to set up their picnic, so she tried to keep moving to make sure she had a chance to see all of the windows.
But when they reached the next wall, she couldn’t seem to leave. The windows here were smaller, the illustrations simpler. Each depicted one or two figures; most venerated different saints. Natalia found herself drawn to one window in particular. She thought part of the reason it affected her so strongly was the way the light came in through the glass. The illumination allowed her to better appreciate the image, the distinction in its colors--the deep blue of her mantle, the shaded yellow of His crown.
As she studied the image of Madonna and Child, so serene, so peaceful, Natalia felt the weight of her daughter in her arms. She tightened her hold on Francesca, cradling her protectively, and turned to look at Olivia, who put a comforting arm around her side and a hand on Francesca’s back.
When they started moving again, Natalia could still feel Olivia’s hand against her, resting lightly between her shoulder blades. It dropped away from her as they reached the front of the church, and Olivia reached out to take Francesca from her arms. Both of them did their best to jostle the baby as little as possible, but Natalia could tell they didn’t entirely succeed. As she turned toward the prayer candles, Natalia could see Francesca shifting fitfully against Olivia, though the room remained quiet as Natalia picked up one of the wooden lighting sticks.
She lit a candle for Rafe...and then couldn’t decide how to pray. She needed to say so much for him. She needed to pray for his safety, while he was away. For his happiness, upon his return. For her ability to be supportive, when he had to leave.
She felt overwhelmed, knowing it would always be this way. He’d come home and then he’d have to leave again, and she wouldn’t want him to go--
“He’s going to be okay.”
Natalia heard the words as she watched the candle flicker. She remembered Rafe before he left, wanting to come with her to church.
“How do you know that?” she asked.
Natalia felt Olivia shift closer to her. When she looked up, Olivia’s face was near her own, and Olivia was smiling even as she shrugged. “You have faith,” she said.
Before Natalia could manage a response, Emma walked up the center aisle to join them at the front of the church.
“What do you think, Jellybean?” Olivia asked, splitting her attention between the girls as Francesca started to fuss.
“It's nice.”
Natalia didn’t miss Emma’s glance towards the door and she knew Olivia caught it, because her expression became sympathetic.
“Picnic?” Olivia asked.
Emma nodded enthusiastically, and Natalia knew it was time to leave. She turned to Olivia and held out her hands. “Do you want me to-”
“I’ve got her.” Olivia bounced a little, calming Francesca as she surveyed the church again. “Why don’t you stay here and let Em and me get everything set-up?”
Natalia started to argue, but as she opened her mouth she realized that Olivia had already accepted the win.
Natalia let her have it. “Thank you,” she said, wishing she could put more into the words.
Olivia didn’t seem to think anything was missing. “Take as long as you want,” she said softly, satisfied.
Natalia watched them leave before she sat down in a front row pew. She would allow herself a few minutes here, in silence, before she joined her family outside. She thought about praying and glanced in the direction of Rafe’s candle. She still didn’t know what to do about his resistance to her choices, how she was going to talk to him during his visit next week, but--
“You have faith.”
She looked around her, thinking about where she was and who had brought her there. At last she bowed her head, knowing what she wanted to say.
Thank you.
Natalia raised her head and sat back in her pew, admiring the beauty of the windows.
~*~
Olivia lowered her hand and leaned forward, tugging the brush through the ends of Natalia’s hair. She paused while Natalia readjusted Francesca, then resumed her task, carefully removing any tangles she discovered.
She worked mainly by feel, but she was used to it now. During late feedings, it was always dark in the room other than the night-light by the crib. They kept an extra chair in the corner of the nursery for nights like these, so Olivia wouldn’t have to turn on a light or try and move furniture without being able to see.
Olivia dropped the brush in her lap, then ran her fingers through Natalia’s hair to check for any remaining knots. Her fingers encountered no resistance and she leaned back, finished. She knew she should go to bed, but instead she gathered Natalia’s hair in one hand and lifted it out of the way. Natalia responded to the cue, lowering her head, giving Olivia slightly better access to kiss the back of her neck.
Aside from the occasional noises Francesca made while nursing, the room was silent, so Olivia could hear Natalia’s soft exhale at the contact, the sound quieter than her normal sigh.
“I love it when you do that,” she said, “but one of us should be getting some sleep.”
Olivia knew which of them Natalia was talking about. “You let me sleep last night.”
“Because you had to leave the house earlier than me. Like you do tomorrow.”
Ignoring the implications of the statement, Olivia straightened up and looked over Natalia’s shoulder. After a moment, she reached out and slid her hand over Natalia’s hand so they were both cupping the back of Francesca’s head.
Olivia hadn’t realized the action would end the discussion. She had assumed the familiar, not-quite-argument would continue as usual, but Natalia only leaned so their heads rested against each other as they watched Francesca nurse.
Finally Natalia eased away. “Olivia,” she said. “Go to bed. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Olivia stood and pushed the chair back to its corner, then made her way back to their room. With the blinds open, there was enough light for her to see as she navigated to her side of the bed, but she appreciated the fact that she had a clear path now that the boxes were gone.
She laid the brush on her night table and sat down on the bed. As she propped herself up on her pillows, she started cataloguing all the events happening at the Beacon this week. Saturday’s banquet would be the first major engagement for the new caterer and she still needed to--
Natalia walked in the room, saw her sitting up in bed, and laughed.
“Next time I'll have to be more specific when I send you back here,” Natalia said as she climbed into their bed. “You're supposed to be sleeping.”
Olivia waited until Natalia was settled, then shifted to lie behind her. She curled against Natalia’s body and rested a hand on her hip. “This is better.”
Natalia pressed back against Olivia, fitting them closer together. When Olivia’s hold on her tightened, she glanced over her shoulder. “I know.”
Olivia smiled, feeling as if she’d been challenged. Unable to resist responding, she moved her hand to Natalia’s waist. Her fingers teased Natalia’s stomach, then slipped underneath her shirt--
Natalia captured Olivia’s hand, brought it up to her lips, kissed it. She laughed again, but it was softer this time. “Go to sleep, Olivia.”
“Okay,” Olivia said and felt Natalia relax against her. Olivia relaxed too, letting her head drop back onto the pillows. She really did have to get up early in the morning. She allowed herself some time to just lie there, savoring the moment, and then she closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep.
~*~
-fin-
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.
Prism
“I never thought I could have anything like this. I certainly didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“That’s not true. Everything about you is alive and passionate. You make me so happy.”
“I do?”
“You know you do.”
~*~
“You’re home early,” Natalia said as Olivia walked into the nursery.
Olivia waited for Natalia to finish putting Francesca in her crib before she moved forward to greet her more fully. Natalia smiled as she stepped into Olivia’s embrace, tilting her face upwards so that Olivia could lightly kiss her mouth.
“I thought you might like some help,” Olivia said, the comment earning her a smile and a soft laugh, both tinged with relief.
“I would love that,” Natalia said. She glanced towards the door, and Olivia could tell that she was picturing the rest of the house. “It’s such a mess...”
Olivia knew the truth of that description all too well. She had come close to tripping on boxes twice in the short time it had taken her to put her things down in their bedroom. She had felt herself relax when she found Natalia in the nursery. In here, with Francesca sleeping, they could stand next to each other and enjoy the illusion that the move-in was completed. They could pretend that everything was in order and that their afternoon together could be peaceful. Quiet.
Not that they could deceive themselves for long. This was the only room in the house without boxes--and Francesca was a very vocal child.
Olivia hadn’t thought the move would be this hectic. Last time, aside from the arguing, unpacking had been accomplished with remarkable efficiency. Natalia had been responsible for most of that, it was true, but Olivia had thought the process would only go faster with both of them working together.
And it had started out like she predicted. With Natalia already settled, they only had to worry about packing up one of them. Olivia had decided to bring things from storage as well as from her suite, but hiring a crew of movers had simplified everything. All she’d had to do was call, and they had her packed up and inside the farmhouse within the space of a day.
But the unpacking...she and Natalia were still working on that.
It was harder this time. Their attention was divided in too many directions. They hadn’t had a baby, before, or Emma’s summer schedule - the camp days and the dance classes, the library hours, the play-dates - all of which complicated their commutes. And then there was Olivia’s work schedule--some days she couldn’t get away early enough for them to get much done in the evenings.
Natalia had ended up doing some of the unpacking on her own, and Olivia couldn’t have been more grateful. With Natalia’s help, Emma’s room had been cleared of all but a few boxes. But even though Blake had been allowing Natalia to work from home for the last week, she was still limited in what she could accomplish, especially since she had started to prepare for Rafe’s visit next month.
Olivia had been surprised to hear that he planned to come home for his leave - he knew about the move-in - and she thought that Natalia had felt surprise, too. So far Natalia’s strongest visible reaction to the news had been her determination to make sure that Rafe felt welcomed back into his house. It was a goal that required even more unpacking--up until last week most of Rafe’s belongings had been at Frank’s
Natalia had been working on Rafe’s room ever since Frank dropped everything off to them, and, slowly, between that and the rest of the house, the empty boxes had started to pile up.
It just wasn’t happening fast enough for either of them. They wanted to be done.
Emma was the only one in the house who seemed immune to any of the frustrations associated with the move. She was finally living where she wanted, and that was all that mattered to her. She liked the boxes, played guessing games with them. If asked, she would happily search through them, and Olivia had made use of that willingness a few times the first day or so of unpacking, particularly if she thought of something she didn’t want to forget while she was busy with Francesca.
And as much as Olivia and Natalia liked seeing empty boxes, Emma liked them even more. Late one afternoon, Olivia came home to find a fort in their living room...though, to her daughter’s dismay, Olivia had been impressed by her creation only after its destruction. Emma’s lookout system had involved the stairs, and she had misjudged distances, building too close to the door. The mistake had been discovered when Olivia entered the living room--two steps inside, and boxes had tumbled, Emma had protested, and Natalia had come out of the kitchen to investigate the noise of it all.
Natalia’s expression had been a study in innocence as she walked into the living room, but Olivia had been convinced she’d heard laughter from the kitchen. She had asked Natalia about it later, when they should have been unpacking, and both of them had gotten distracted by her chosen method of questioning.
That was another one of their problems. It didn’t take very much to distract them.
Like right now. They should be unpacking, but neither of them seemed in any hurry to move from their present position, standing next to each other, watching Francesca sleep.
Olivia kept a hand on Natalia’s hip as she turned to face the crib. She hadn’t entirely adjusted yet to being able to see this daughter everyday. She used every excuse possible to take care of her--there had already been a few times when Natalia had tried to argue her out of getting out of bed for nighttime feedings...
“She really is beautiful,” Olivia said.
“She is.” Natalia moved her hand to cover Olivia’s hand where it rested on her hip. She looked down into the crib, considering. “I think she has your eyes.”
Olivia smiled. She had come to appreciate Natalia’s ability to keep a straight face when making a joke. “Honey,” she said, “I might have figured out how you keep getting pregnant.”
Natalia’s face became readable again, and she didn’t look very impressed. “You think you’re so funny,” she said.
“I’m just trying to be helpful.”
“Oh, you’re helpful-”
“Hey,” Olivia said, interrupting what was sure to be a tirade, “if you don’t want to hear about it from me, there’s always Doris. She seems eager to talk to people lately.”
“Doris? What does she have to do with...?” Natalia paused as Olivia moved two of the fingers resting against her hipbone. “You mean...?” At Olivia’s nod, Natalia’s expression became incredulous. “Doris?”
Francesca stirred at the exclamation, and Natalia lowered her voice. “You talked about us...like that...with the mayor?”
“Well, I didn’t do any of the talking.” When Natalia didn’t respond to the quip, Olivia wondered if she had taken it too far. She thought now might be a good time to explain. “Natalia-”
“I can't believe you…” Natalia absently brushed at her face, and Olivia didn’t know whether or not she should--
Natalia tilted her head to the side and glanced up at her. “What did she say?”
Olivia had a hard time keeping her laughter quiet. God, she loved her.
“I didn’t let her get very far.” For the second time in the conversation, Olivia found herself surprised by Natalia’s reaction. She hadn’t expected disappointment. “I could make something up...”
Natalia glanced over at her again. “You are good at that.”
Olivia wasn’t sure at first whether she had been complimented or insulted, but when Natalia turned towards her and initiated a kiss, it wasn’t difficult to figure out. It was all the encouragement she needed to take Natalia’s hand and lead her down the hallway to the bedroom they now shared.
As soon as they walked into their room, Natalia started kissing her again, and Olivia kissed her back, not bothering with the door. Leaving it open would only make it easier to hear Francesca if she cried--though right now Olivia found herself hoping to have a stretch of time to focus on the woman in front of her--the woman whose hands were already...
Olivia caught Natalia’s hands in her own and started backing her across the room. They didn’t stop kissing each other as they made their way towards the bed, and it made skirting boxes difficult...they didn’t quite succeed. Olivia was still laughing about the collision - and their respective forms of commentary - as she pulled Natalia’s shirt over her head.
Olivia’s movements slowed then, became more deliberate. She slid Natalia’s bra straps down her arms, then leaned in to kiss her shoulders. She could feel Natalia react to the caress...and she could also feel her distraction.
“We’re not getting anything done,” Natalia murmured. The observation was made with obvious reluctance, and she made no attempt to pull away, but Olivia looked up at her, regardless.
What she saw confirmed what she had suspected. Natalia had a strong sense of responsibility, and usually Olivia would oblige it - her work ethic - but with their schedules they didn’t have much time, and it had been two days...
“I always knew you didn’t like to have fun,” Olivia said, her words a provocation. She knew that Natalia wouldn’t be able to resist...
As she waited for the response, Olivia unfastened the back of Natalia’s bra.
“You said you were going to be helpful.” Natalia’s reproach was undercut by her actions as she moved her arms forward, helping Olivia slide the garment off her. “And I like to have fun,” she added.
Olivia hid a smile at the assertion. She rarely got to see Natalia pout. “So you’re not changing your mind?” she asked. She’d been holding the bra between them, but now she dropped it and pulled Natalia closer. She let her hands explore Natalia’s back, loving the softness of her skin.
“Never,” Natalia said, and Olivia looked up her tone. “I’ve always wanted this.”
Olivia’s arms tightened around her. “No, you didn’t,” she said.
“I-” Natalia began, then studied Olivia’s face. “I do now.”
Olivia leaned forward to rest her cheek against the side of Natalia’s head. She left one hand low, on Natalia’s back, and raised the other to stroke her hair. “I know,” she said, giving herself a minute.
When she drew back from the embrace, Natalia was watching her, waiting, and Olivia loved her for it. She touched Natalia’s face, fingers barely making contact, then moved her hands to Natalia’s waist. Stepping forward, Olivia eased her back until she was sitting on the bed.
As Olivia started to pull away, Natalia reached out for one of her hands, and Olivia felt the pressure on her fingers increase as she knelt down by the bed.
She had been planning to take off Natalia’s shoes, but now, aware of Natalia’s heightened attention, Olivia found herself wanting to hold her again. She gave in to the urge and wrapped her arms around Natalia’s waist, shifting forward to rest her head against Natalia’s chest.
She felt Natalia’s fingers in her hair, and looked up just in time to see it--that small, secretive smile. Before Olivia could fully appreciate it, Natalia lowered her head, her hair a soft fall around them as she kissed Olivia where she knelt.
~*~
Natalia stood and piled the last of the empty boxes in the corner of Emma’s room.
She smiled, enjoying the feeling of accomplishment. The house might still be a mess, but at least she had one room finished. And, if all went well, she might finish another one today. Frank and Blake had taken Francesca for a few days, and though Natalia missed her, she was thankful for the extra hours she had to work and to sleep...and to spend with Olivia. Both of them had appreciated not having to get out of bed last night.
And she had been happy to have a day alone with Emma, even if they both had work to do. Until today, they hadn’t spent more than a few hours together, just the two of them, since before Francesca’s birth. Natalia still couldn’t believe how sweet Emma had been about it during her visits--even when Natalia couldn’t get Francesca to nap, Emma had never complained.
“I found them,” Emma said as she came back into her room.
Natalia walked over to her and took some of the books from her arms. She hadn’t realized there would be so many of them, or she would have gone with Emma on her search to help her carry them.
“They got put in with your Mom’s books, didn’t they?” Natalia guessed.
Emma nodded, and Natalia thought it was cute, how proud she looked of herself.
Natalia followed Emma to the bookcase by the bed and they sat down together, stacking the books on the floor.
As they settled themselves, Emma turned to look at the far wall, then looked back, excited. “You finished the boxes!” she said.
“I did,” Natalia said, smiling at her. She nodded in the direction of Emma’s bed. “I put your dolls over there, but we can move them.”
Natalia watched as Emma examined the row of dolls lined up in front of her pillows. “I like them there,” she said, resting her head against Natalia’s side. When Natalia put an arm around her, she looked up again. “Are we done?”
Natalia tapped one of the stacks of books in front of them. “Almost.”
Emma leaned forward and started sorting the books. Natalia didn’t try to help her with that - Emma had her own system - but she did reach up into the bookcase to straighten a few of the books that had fallen, trying to make some extra room.
She lowered her arm as Emma moved closer to the bookcase and started putting some of the books away.
“When I’m finished can we go to the park?” Emma asked as she reached down to pick up more books.
Natalia hesitated. She would love to take Emma to the park, and they hadn’t been in a very long time. But Emma had lots of activities planned this week - she had camp again tomorrow and then a sleepover at Jodie’s - and Olivia had specifically asked...
“Didn’t your mom say we needed to make sure you work on your reading list today?” Natalia asked, feeling certain that Emma knew about the request. Olivia rarely asked her to enforce a rule or a chore that Emma might not like without warning Emma about it first.
“Yeah.” Emma paused, book in hand, and considered her. “Do you listen to everything my Mom says?”
Emma had witnessed enough arguments that the question surprised Natalia. She took a moment, fixing the band in Emma’s hair as she thought about how to answer her. She could tell Emma that it was different, with grown-ups...but she wanted her to understand.
She decided to keep it simple. “Your mom and I listen to each other.”
“Like about moving back in here?” Emma asked. Before Natalia could respond, Emma shook her head. “Because she didn’t listen to me.”
Natalia tried to hide her dismay. It was clear where Emma still placed the blame for all the months apart--and Natalia couldn’t let Olivia continue to protect her like that. Emma needed to know that they both made mistakes.
“Emma...” Natalia said. She wondered how much she should tell her without discussing it with Olivia first. “Your mom and I love each other-” Natalia felt an echo of her earlier relief at Emma’s matter-of-fact nod. It had been unexpectedly easy, explaining it to her. “But we wanted to make sure that things would work out, before you moved back in. You don’t want to have to move again-” Natalia stopped at Emma’s vigorous head shake. “No more moving?”
“No,” Emma said firmly. “No more moving.” She placed two more books on her bookshelf, then showed Natalia her empty hands.
“That’s it?” Natalia asked her.
“Yes.”
“Then I think we’re done.” Natalia bumped their shoulders together as she finished the declaration, and Emma giggled, then mimicked the action.
They were still grinning at each other as Natalia helped Emma to stand, and she nearly forgot that they had one more thing to clean-up.
Emma reminded her. Once they were both standing, she took Natalia’s hand and pulled her over to the pile of empty boxes.
“Are you going to do Rafe’s room now?” Emma asked as they started picking the boxes up. When Natalia nodded, Emma eyed her hopefully. “Can I help?”
The offer seemed sweet - was sweet - but Natalia was not fooled. “You really don’t want to study today,” she said, and Emma’s reaction to being found out only increased her desire to laugh. She knew that guilty look.
“Do I have to?” Emma asked.
Natalia would have hugged her, but both of them had their hands full. “Yes,” she said. “But why don’t we get your books and a snack and you can sit in Rafe’s room while you work and keep me company?”
Emma appeared satisfied with the compromise. Without another word of protest, she adjusted the boxes in her arms and moved in the direction of the door.
Natalia glanced around the room one last time, checking their work, then picked up the last of the boxes and followed Emma out of the room.
~*~
Olivia lowered herself into her chair and set her lunch down on her desk. For a second, she sat there, motionless, hoping to ease the strength of her headache.
She had taken something for it, before her meeting, but she had yet to feel any effect. It had started in the middle of the night, and she probably shouldn’t have waited to deal with it. But Francesca had been crying - teething now, in earnest - and then Emma had been running late. Natalia had called Jane, but she’d been busy...and so Olivia had ended up being late as well.
She had arrived at the Beacon just in time for her meeting, and in some ways the pain had been beneficial--it had given her that edge. She had successfully negotiated an agreement with the new caterer, one very advantageous to the hotel, but her head ached too much for her to properly savor the victory.
And she didn’t know how she was going to keep her promise to Natalia, to be home early tonight. She had a staff meeting this afternoon that she couldn’t miss, and there simply wasn’t enough time...
She reached out and touched the paper sack in front of her. There had been no time this morning, and she didn’t understand how Natalia had managed to pack her a lunch. Francesca’s crying, Emma’s missing shirt, getting everyone ready--Olivia had barely had time to shower and dress herself. She hadn’t been thinking about breakfast, and she certainly hadn’t considered lunch.
But when she stepped outside the house, Natalia had called out to her. As she turned to answer - realizing, then, that she had forgotten their kiss good-bye - Natalia had pushed the lunch into her hands and kissed her. Natalia’s hair had still been damp as it brushed her cheek, and between that and the lunch in her hands, it had taken a moment for Olivia to respond. When she did, she chose to ignore their time constraints, and Natalia had looked very flushed - and a bit smug - as she finally pulled away.
It was the only time all morning Olivia had forgotten about her headache, although she thought the pain medication had started to take effect. She could focus again, which meant she should try to catch-up on her paperwork.
She looked at the lunch one more time. She hadn’t opened the bag, but she guessed that its contents would be simple: a sandwich, maybe some of the cookies they had baked together over the weekend. It didn’t really matter--
Her cell phone rang, and she pulled it out of her purse. She checked the number and smiled. Sam.
She opened the conversation with a warning. “I’m sorry, honey,” she said. “I don’t have long to talk.”
“Ouch. I get the brush-off before you even say hello.”
“Sam...” She wished she had more time. They had been better about staying in contact, but they still didn’t talk all that often.
“I’m joking, Olivia. Never apologize for being upfront. You know I appreciate that.”
She did know that, but as she considered when she might be able to tell him, upfront, that she had unlimited time to talk, she couldn’t help but laugh. “Well,” she said, “you’ll have to keep appreciating it, at least until this move is over-”
“Are you still going ahead with with that?”
“Of course I am,” Olivia said. She thought she had made that clear in their last conversation, but Sam’s impatience, the way he interrupted her, let her know he had been hoping she would wait. “We love each other...” she tried to think of what else she could say to make him understand that this time it really was different, something she hadn’t said the last time they had spoken...
Olivia looked at the paper sack in front of her. “She packed me a lunch.”
“I can see how that would fix everything.”
“Sam-”
“I get it, Liv. You’ve told me.”
And she could tell he still wasn’t pleased about it. Even with everything they had discussed...
She found that she wasn’t surprised. If the situation had been reversed, she probably would have felt the same way. “It's already done,” she informed him. She let her voice soften. “Can't you be happy for me?”
“I am happy for you,” he said reluctantly. “Look,” he said, after a pause, “I can’t forget what she did to you, but-”
“We talked about that-”
“-but I’m a reasonable individual.”
“Since when?”
“Since you convinced me to give up my bike.”
It took Olivia a few seconds to realize that he was serious. She hadn’t known that their conversation about Natalia’s involvement with Gus - with her heart - had affected him that way.
“I’m not insensible to the fact that she’s the reason you’re still here, talking to me,” he continued, and he sounded so serious that Olivia considered interrupting him, easing the mood, but he beat her to it. “And she got that you’re a romantic, I’ll give her that.”
Olivia looked down at the paper sack in front of her as she smiled. She had known Sam would appreciate the significance of Natalia’s gift--would understand what it meant to her. He had been the only one she told, and she hadn’t regretted it.
Though now he was making accusations. “You know,” she said, “I’m not the one who once climbed a lighthouse tower to rescue a damsel in distress.”
“Guilty as charged,” he said, and even without seeing him, Olivia knew that he was smiling at her, challenging her. When he laughed, she realized she was in trouble. “If we’re talking about my exploits now, I should tell you that I just got back from New Zealand and, Sis, the cliff-diving there, it’s-”
“I don’t want to know!” She leaned back in her chair, experiencing a return of her headache. Why did he always feel the need to tell her these things?
He laughed again, and they talked for a few more minutes before they both decided it was time to hang up. They mostly avoided the topic of her move, but as Sam said good-bye he made a joke about farms - appropriate housewarming presents - and Olivia thought he would come around...eventually.
She looked at her cell phone, checking the time. It was a little early, but she reached out and pulled her lunch closer, knowing that if she waited, she might not get a chance to eat.
~*~
Natalia leaned over and shifted the cooler away from her feet. They had been in the car for almost an hour now, and she needed to stretch her legs.
If she had realized the trip would be this long, she would have put the cooler in the trunk with the rest of the meal she had packed. When they left the house for their family picnic, she had assumed they were going to the park.
She should have known better. Not only because Olivia had insisted on driving, but also because she had taken the entire day off work.
It just hadn’t occurred to Natalia to question it. Blake was on vacation with Frank, so Natalia had been off for most of the week--it had seemed natural for Olivia to want to take advantage of at least one of those days to spend time together.
And they had been so productive. They had finished the last of the boxes in their bedroom - without getting distracted at all - and then spent the rest of the morning baking together. She had been sitting in the kitchen, nursing Francesca while they waited for pastry dough to chill, when Olivia suggested an afternoon picnic.
Natalia had immediately agreed. It seemed like a good reward for getting so much done, and she knew Emma would be excited. After they finished baking, Olivia offered to get Francesca’s things together, so Natalia had taken care of the food. She and Olivia had met up in the car, and although Natalia noticed the presence of Francesca’s extra bag, she hadn’t really been suspicious until she realized they were picking Emma up from camp early.
She had known then that Olivia’s plans didn’t involve the park--but she still didn’t know where they were going.
Not for the first time during the ride, she turned to study Olivia, who smiled, knowing she was being watched.
“You’re really not going to tell me, are you?”
“No.”
“Please?” Natalia asked. She knew that a similar request by Emma had already been refused, and she didn’t think she’d have any more success, but she was curious enough to try anyway.
Olivia glanced over at her, hesitating, then shook her head. “I want it to be a surprise,” she said. As they turned into the sun, she slid her sunglasses down from where they rested on her head to cover her eyes, and then said, quietly, “I want it to be special.”
Natalia thought Olivia seemed embarrassed by her final sentiment - the mushiness of it - even though she had to know there was no reason to feel that way.
She had to know that Natalia would love it.
“It will be,” Natalia said as she lifted a hand to rest on the console.
Her gesture didn’t go unnoticed. Olivia continued to focus on the road, but she took a hand off the wheel and moved it to cover Natalia’s hand.
Natalia relaxed and settled back in her seat, determined to show patience for the rest of the trip...but a few minutes later the car slowed, and Olivia moved her hand back to the wheel as she turned off the road and into a parking lot.
Olivia parked the car, then turned towards her. Now Natalia felt herself being watched as she stared at the structure in front of them. It was small and it was stone and it had a large number of windows.
And it was a church.
Olivia had taken her to a church.
Natalia didn’t know how long she stared before Olivia’s laugh drew her attention back inside the car. She knew it couldn’t have been very long, because Emma hadn’t complained about the delay. Natalia could hear her in the backseat, putting books away in the backpack Olivia had brought for her.
She felt Olivia touch her hand again. When she looked up, she found that Olivia was no longer hiding her anticipation, her excitement, and Natalia wondered how she hadn’t sensed it this morning. She had attributed Olivia’s good mood to them finally getting to spend a day together...
“Come on,” Olivia said.
Her eagerness was infectious, and Natalia automatically reached down for the food at her feet--only to be stopped by a touch to the arm.
“Later,” Olivia said. As she unbuckled her seatbelt, she turned her head to look into the backseat. “You ready to get out of the car, Em?”
“Yeah,” Emma said, her smile growing as she saw her mom’s excitement. “Where are we?” she asked as they started climbing out of the car.
Natalia let Olivia take care of Emma’s questions while she took the baby out of her car seat. Francesca had been napping during the car ride and she hardly roused as Natalia picked her up. However, when Natalia straightened up outside the car, Francesca whimpered at the sudden brightness, pressing her face into the shirt in front of her. Natalia started to soothe her, but as she drew her closer, rubbing her back, she felt Francesca relax in her arms, heavy with sleep.
As Natalia walked over to join the rest of her family, she and Olivia exchanged relieved looks. They would have a much better evening if Francesca napped a little longer. Emma demonstrated that she had learned this lesson with them; she had been talking with her mom as Natalia approached, but she quieted when she saw that her sister was asleep.
Olivia waited until Natalia was standing beside her, then she took Emma’s hand and walked in the direction of the church. By the time they reached the front steps, Natalia could guess why Olivia had brought them here, but the knowledge didn’t diminish the effect of walking inside.
She didn’t think anything could diminish the effect of those windows.
As Olivia held the door for her, Natalia was already examining them. She had seen stained glass before, many times, but never in windows like these. The glass itself, the richness of it - the deepness of the colors - the pictures depicted in the various panes...
Natalia didn’t stop admiring them until Emma walked in front of her. From the way Emma was looking around, it was clear that her attention had also been captured by the windows. She was studying the ones across from her with great interest, and Natalia wondered if she recognized any of the scenes illustrated in the glass.
Olivia brushed against Natalia as she joined Emma where she stood.
“Aren’t they pretty?” Olivia asked her. She received the briefest of nods before Emma took off across the room. “Oh, there she goes...” Olivia glanced back at Natalia, laughing, and Natalia laughed with her as they moved closer together.
Once they were standing next each other, Olivia turned so they could both watch Emma. Their daughter had found a window that featured animals and now had her head tilted back, peering closely at a flock of sheep.
Natalia had never pictured this happening, when she woke up that morning.
“How did you...?” she said, knowing she didn’t have to finish the question. She was a little surprised it had taken her this long to ask.
Olivia looked over at Natalia with a small smile. “When I was reading the paper the other day, I saw an article on churches in the area...” she touched a finger to her mouth and took in the room. “I thought you would like this one.”
The way Olivia’s smiled changed as she said those last words made it difficult for Natalia to concentrate on the words themselves, but when she heard them - understood them - she shook her head. Olivia had known she would like it.
Olivia seemed to understand her reaction, but instead of commenting, she started walking toward the nearest set of windows.
Natalia followed her, increasingly aware of the emptiness around them. The church had been open to them, but they were the only ones there. She hadn’t seen anyone else, not even a member of the clergy, and it made her suspect that Olivia had called ahead. She thought about asking her, but as she looked at her, expectant, waiting by the windows, Natalia decided she could question her later.
They looked at the first wall of windows together. There, contained in glass, were illustrations of scenes Natalia knew by heart. Despite finding the renditions beautiful - meaningful - she didn’t linger over them. Francesca would be hungry soon, and they had to set up their picnic, so she tried to keep moving to make sure she had a chance to see all of the windows.
But when they reached the next wall, she couldn’t seem to leave. The windows here were smaller, the illustrations simpler. Each depicted one or two figures; most venerated different saints. Natalia found herself drawn to one window in particular. She thought part of the reason it affected her so strongly was the way the light came in through the glass. The illumination allowed her to better appreciate the image, the distinction in its colors--the deep blue of her mantle, the shaded yellow of His crown.
As she studied the image of Madonna and Child, so serene, so peaceful, Natalia felt the weight of her daughter in her arms. She tightened her hold on Francesca, cradling her protectively, and turned to look at Olivia, who put a comforting arm around her side and a hand on Francesca’s back.
When they started moving again, Natalia could still feel Olivia’s hand against her, resting lightly between her shoulder blades. It dropped away from her as they reached the front of the church, and Olivia reached out to take Francesca from her arms. Both of them did their best to jostle the baby as little as possible, but Natalia could tell they didn’t entirely succeed. As she turned toward the prayer candles, Natalia could see Francesca shifting fitfully against Olivia, though the room remained quiet as Natalia picked up one of the wooden lighting sticks.
She lit a candle for Rafe...and then couldn’t decide how to pray. She needed to say so much for him. She needed to pray for his safety, while he was away. For his happiness, upon his return. For her ability to be supportive, when he had to leave.
She felt overwhelmed, knowing it would always be this way. He’d come home and then he’d have to leave again, and she wouldn’t want him to go--
“He’s going to be okay.”
Natalia heard the words as she watched the candle flicker. She remembered Rafe before he left, wanting to come with her to church.
“How do you know that?” she asked.
Natalia felt Olivia shift closer to her. When she looked up, Olivia’s face was near her own, and Olivia was smiling even as she shrugged. “You have faith,” she said.
Before Natalia could manage a response, Emma walked up the center aisle to join them at the front of the church.
“What do you think, Jellybean?” Olivia asked, splitting her attention between the girls as Francesca started to fuss.
“It's nice.”
Natalia didn’t miss Emma’s glance towards the door and she knew Olivia caught it, because her expression became sympathetic.
“Picnic?” Olivia asked.
Emma nodded enthusiastically, and Natalia knew it was time to leave. She turned to Olivia and held out her hands. “Do you want me to-”
“I’ve got her.” Olivia bounced a little, calming Francesca as she surveyed the church again. “Why don’t you stay here and let Em and me get everything set-up?”
Natalia started to argue, but as she opened her mouth she realized that Olivia had already accepted the win.
Natalia let her have it. “Thank you,” she said, wishing she could put more into the words.
Olivia didn’t seem to think anything was missing. “Take as long as you want,” she said softly, satisfied.
Natalia watched them leave before she sat down in a front row pew. She would allow herself a few minutes here, in silence, before she joined her family outside. She thought about praying and glanced in the direction of Rafe’s candle. She still didn’t know what to do about his resistance to her choices, how she was going to talk to him during his visit next week, but--
“You have faith.”
She looked around her, thinking about where she was and who had brought her there. At last she bowed her head, knowing what she wanted to say.
Thank you.
Natalia raised her head and sat back in her pew, admiring the beauty of the windows.
~*~
Olivia lowered her hand and leaned forward, tugging the brush through the ends of Natalia’s hair. She paused while Natalia readjusted Francesca, then resumed her task, carefully removing any tangles she discovered.
She worked mainly by feel, but she was used to it now. During late feedings, it was always dark in the room other than the night-light by the crib. They kept an extra chair in the corner of the nursery for nights like these, so Olivia wouldn’t have to turn on a light or try and move furniture without being able to see.
Olivia dropped the brush in her lap, then ran her fingers through Natalia’s hair to check for any remaining knots. Her fingers encountered no resistance and she leaned back, finished. She knew she should go to bed, but instead she gathered Natalia’s hair in one hand and lifted it out of the way. Natalia responded to the cue, lowering her head, giving Olivia slightly better access to kiss the back of her neck.
Aside from the occasional noises Francesca made while nursing, the room was silent, so Olivia could hear Natalia’s soft exhale at the contact, the sound quieter than her normal sigh.
“I love it when you do that,” she said, “but one of us should be getting some sleep.”
Olivia knew which of them Natalia was talking about. “You let me sleep last night.”
“Because you had to leave the house earlier than me. Like you do tomorrow.”
Ignoring the implications of the statement, Olivia straightened up and looked over Natalia’s shoulder. After a moment, she reached out and slid her hand over Natalia’s hand so they were both cupping the back of Francesca’s head.
Olivia hadn’t realized the action would end the discussion. She had assumed the familiar, not-quite-argument would continue as usual, but Natalia only leaned so their heads rested against each other as they watched Francesca nurse.
Finally Natalia eased away. “Olivia,” she said. “Go to bed. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Olivia stood and pushed the chair back to its corner, then made her way back to their room. With the blinds open, there was enough light for her to see as she navigated to her side of the bed, but she appreciated the fact that she had a clear path now that the boxes were gone.
She laid the brush on her night table and sat down on the bed. As she propped herself up on her pillows, she started cataloguing all the events happening at the Beacon this week. Saturday’s banquet would be the first major engagement for the new caterer and she still needed to--
Natalia walked in the room, saw her sitting up in bed, and laughed.
“Next time I'll have to be more specific when I send you back here,” Natalia said as she climbed into their bed. “You're supposed to be sleeping.”
Olivia waited until Natalia was settled, then shifted to lie behind her. She curled against Natalia’s body and rested a hand on her hip. “This is better.”
Natalia pressed back against Olivia, fitting them closer together. When Olivia’s hold on her tightened, she glanced over her shoulder. “I know.”
Olivia smiled, feeling as if she’d been challenged. Unable to resist responding, she moved her hand to Natalia’s waist. Her fingers teased Natalia’s stomach, then slipped underneath her shirt--
Natalia captured Olivia’s hand, brought it up to her lips, kissed it. She laughed again, but it was softer this time. “Go to sleep, Olivia.”
“Okay,” Olivia said and felt Natalia relax against her. Olivia relaxed too, letting her head drop back onto the pillows. She really did have to get up early in the morning. She allowed herself some time to just lie there, savoring the moment, and then she closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep.
~*~
-fin-