Mirror, Mirror (Otalia, 7/8)

[lil_utterance]

Title: Mirror, Mirror
Pairing: Otalia
Word Count: 59,995 (complete)
Rating: R
Summary: forgiveness is a tricky thing.



Purple

“I choose you.”

Side 1

Natalia’s laughter wasn’t very loud, but Olivia could see why people looked around at the sound. It was beautiful--she was beautiful.

She had on a patterned, light blue dress that Olivia had never seen her wear before, and Olivia wondered if she knew how distracting she looked in it. Several times during their meal, Olivia had found herself shifting her focus from Natalia to her plate to keep her eyes from following the path of the delicate vine motif that twined down into the garment’s rather low-cut neckline.

Olivia thought that once or twice Natalia had caught her staring, but if she had, she hadn’t been offended. Every time Olivia looked back up at her, her smile had been just as - if not more so - genuine.

She had found that distracting, too.

And once Natalia started laughing, Olivia knew herself to be lost. She nearly gave up on their conversation altogether; she just wanted to look at her.

Somehow she had managed to keep speaking, but she was having trouble remembering the words to her own story. She wasn’t quite sure how she had ended up relating this particular faux pas, in the middle of a restaurant, to Natalia, of all people. She blamed Natalia for encouraging her, once she got started.

She knew that Natalia was the reason she’d felt compelled to begin the story in the first place. There had been a comment, in passing, about Olivia’s worldliness, her experience, and Olivia had known where it was coming from.

They were sharing another Friday meal at Towers, but it was a lunch, not a dinner.

They were having dinner at the farmhouse.

Their evening plans had been Natalia’s suggestion, but Olivia hadn’t been surprised to encounter evidence of her nerves. She herself had been feeling something similar all week, knowing where she would spend tonight.

She had expected the feeling, but she wanted Natalia to feel better - more confident - so she had decided to share something from her past, something that would distract Natalia from worrying about tonight. Something that showed, whatever her own knowledge, or experience, she didn’t always know what she was doing either.

At least she had the satisfaction of knowing her distraction had worked. As she paused mid-sentence to take a sip of water, Natalia leaned forward, intrigued.

“And then?” she asked.

“And then Maura and Shayne walked in.”

“Behind Josh?”

“Yeah.”

Natalia stared at her. “With you...?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“What did you do?” Natalia asked, and Olivia had to smile at her tone. She herself had been similarly scandalized back when it had happened.

“I went into the other room and changed.”

In truth, Olivia had been tempted to destroy the lingerie set, robe and all. After the weeks she had spent trying to win over Josh’s kids, it was a mortifying setback. Shayne had been impressed, it was true, but it was hardly the type of friendly feeling she had been hoping to elicit.

Natalia looked as if she might laugh, once she got over being appalled.

“What did Josh do?” she asked.

“He mostly laughed,” Olivia said. “He thought it was funny.”

She had been far less convinced of the humor of the situation at the time. But now, as she watched Natalia’s smile widen, she thought she had finally found some good in the experience.

“I dropped Francesca off at Frank’s before I came here,” Natalia assured her.

Natalia’s words were warm, teasing, and Olivia knew she had been right to share, if it caused Natalia to make a joke.

“Thanks for letting me know.”

Natalia laughed again, most likely at her expression, and then asked, more seriously, “Do you need help with Emma this afternoon?”

“No, Phillip offered to pick her up from school.” Olivia felt hesitant to continue, the implications of the rest of his offer were unmistakable, but she knew she should finish it. “He said she could stay the weekend, if...”

“That’s nice of him.” Natalia looked down and toyed with a forkful of pasta. When she looked back up again, her hesitancy matched Olivia’s own. “It’s a little...”

“Yeah, it is,” Olivia agreed.

She was used to having other people involved in her personal life; for years now, she had been a consistent topic of local gossip.

However, this felt different.

Phillip’s awareness, his offer, had made her feel thankful--and also uncomfortable. Her discomfort had been particularly strong the first time he mentioned it...

***

“Emma tells me that the two of you went out to dinner with Natalia the other night,” Phillip said as they stood by Olivia’s car and waited for Emma to come back out of the mansion with her backpack.

“We did.”

“You know,” he said, “Emma’s welcome to visit here as often as she wants-”

“Thank you,” she said, her tone indicating that she didn’t want to discuss it further.

She could tell that her reticence had captured his interest, but he didn’t push her on the subject. They waited together in silence for Emma to return...

***

Olivia had seen the same reticence in Natalia as in herself, when Frank made a similar offer. They had been sitting on a park bench when Natalia told her about it, and Natalia had seemed relieved at having the distraction of nursing Francesca.

Frank wasn’t a very subtle person, but Olivia had to give him credit for trying. He had simply offered to watch Emma on some of his Fridays with Francesca, so that the two girls would have more time together.

Natalia had been very taken with Frank’s thoughtfulness as she recounted his offer, and though, secretly, Olivia suspected that the idea had been Blake’s, she had felt so pleased that Natalia informed her about it - knowing what it meant - that she decided not to comment.

For the time being, they had decided to keep everything as close to normal as possible, which meant sending each girl to stay with her respective father. This was mostly for Emma’s benefit--Olivia thought her schedule would benefit from the continued stability of regular visits to the mansion. There had been too much upheaval in her life this year.

There had been too much upheaval in all of their lives.

Olivia looked over at Natalia’s half-finished plate of spaghetti. Neither of them usually had a problem with the portions here. Sometimes they even shared dessert.

“Natalia,” she said, “are you sure-”

“Yes.”

“We can wait.” The look of pure exasperation Natalia directed her way made her feel the need to defend herself. “What?” she asked flippantly. “We’re good at that.”

She knew the words were a mistake the minute she uttered them and she watched, regretfully, as Natalia’s whole body tensed.

“That’s not funny.”

“I know.” Olivia touched her hand, the one that lay near her own on the table. “I’m sorry.”

Natalia studied her, and her next words were careful. “Do you...?”

“No,” Olivia said, her voice low. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”

She reached forward again, this time taking Natalia’s hand in her own. She saw Natalia relax, and felt her hand shift forward. When she looked down, their fingers were intertwined.

She smiled at the sight. It was rare that they held hands while eating. They had tried it once, weeks ago, on their first or second real date, but hadn’t found it to be very practical. They spent most meals with their hands close to each other but not quite touching. It allowed them to eat with a minimal degree of awkwardness, yet still be close enough that physical contact could be achieved with very little effort.

Olivia thought the need would lessen, with time, but right now both of them still craved the reassurance of the other’s touch in a way they hadn’t...before. It was a need that had persisted despite the amount of time they had spent with each other in the weeks following their reunion at the farmhouse.

When Olivia had gotten home that night, she had called Natalia, eager to reestablish their evening conversations. She didn’t want to waste anymore time.

They had both been too exhausted to say very much. Olivia had thanked her, again, for the gift; they had, once again, reaffirmed their love--and then they had said good-night.

But they had seen each other again only a few days later. Olivia hadn’t wanted to wait then, either; she had moved Emma’s visit to Monday. They had walked into the farmhouse together, bringing the remainder of Natalia’s pastries with them. Natalia had made both tea and hot chocolate to go along with the desserts, and Emma had been more excited than Olivia had ever seen her.

Olivia was sure that part of it had to do with a prolonged sugar-high - Emma had certainly eaten a lot of sweets at the Spaulding party as well - but she thought that most of it was due to the fact that Emma felt the shift in her own situation. She had beamed when they all held hands to say grace before they started eating, and Olivia had seen her stealing glances at both her and Natalia even as she was concentrating on putting sugar cubes in her tea.

Neither Olivia nor Natalia had been surprised to find out that Emma preferred hot chocolate to tea, though Olivia still felt gratitude towards Natalia, for making sure that she hadn’t missed Emma’s first taste of the drink. Even with all the sugar, Emma had clearly still felt the effect of the bitterness--her face had been priceless.

After that afternoon, Olivia had continued to go inside with Emma during her visits, making them her own as well. She and Natalia had also continued to talk on the phone, almost every night.

And they had continued their Friday night dinners.

They were unambiguously dates now, and the lack of pretense made a difference, made them more comfortable around each other. What little remained of the awkwardness between them had slowly abated, dinner-by-dinner, as they spent hours together, talking.

They hadn’t discussed everything; they were still easing into the more difficult topics. It wasn’t that they were avoiding them, exactly, but rather that they had decided to spend time focusing on everything they had missed about each other.

It was their unspoken agreement. They both needed time to heal before they opened it all back up again.

Not that they didn’t frequently feel the aftereffects of the separation. Even the most well-intentioned of gestures could reawaken the pain.

There was the week Francesca had a bad cold, when Olivia came by the farmhouse an extra afternoon, without Emma, and had taken over the infant’s care. She had fed Francesca and walked with her, a bottle in hand as she paced around the living room. She had split her attention between the baby in her arms, and the baby’s mother, directing most of her quiet conversation towards Natalia, who was lying, exhausted, on the couch.

After Olivia had finally gotten Francesca down for a nap, she had come back downstairs to find Natalia crying, a hand over her face as her body shuddered against the couch.

Olivia hadn’t said a word. She simply sat down on the couch beside her, waiting until Natalia shifted forwards before she laid down and cradled Natalia’s body with her own. They had lain together on the couch for a very long time, Olivia gently resting her chin against the back of Natalia’s shoulder until she had calmed and they could talk.

It had been a rough afternoon, but it wasn’t the last one like it, and it definitely wasn’t the worst. Olivia herself had been responsible for the worst, the one - and only - Friday she’d dropped Francesca off to Frank.

Her intentions had been good. She had offered to do it to keep Natalia from having to leave one of the publicity events for a lucrative series of books she and Blake had been promoting.

And Frank had meant well, in his apology to her. Apparently, he had been feeling guilt for a long time, for his treatment of her during the summer. But his reference to Natalia’s absence, to his comments - about Olivia, about her ability to drive people away - it ripped it all back open again. The wound had seemed almost new.

She had gone to dinner with Natalia that night and drank far too heavily...then hurt Natalia’s feelings when she wouldn’t accept help back up to her room.

They had fought, in undertones, outside the Beacon’s elevator, the argument intense and quickly escalating. All that saved them from saying things they might later regret was Olivia managing to string together Frank’s name and the relevant season. Summer.

Natalia had backed off. She helped Olivia into the elevator and left. Later in the evening, she’d called Olivia to check on her, and they had talked about some of it then--about Frank and Natalia, about Blake...and about Olivia’s fears.

It had been a good conversation, and even as she nursed her hangover the next morning, Olivia had been grateful that it occurred. Natalia had waited until late in the day to call again, but her first words had been an invitation. She wanted to re-do their dinner that very night.

So they had, talking and touching as usual, and it had been good for both of them, lessening the memory of Olivia’s distance the previous evening.

In some ways, that Friday had been most noteworthy for the physical distance Olivia maintained between them. Through the rest of it all, even the bad days, they were very affectionate, touching and holding hands and, of course, kissing.

The first few times they had kissed, it had been different from how it was now. As far as Olivia could tell, both of them had enjoyed those kisses and all they represented; but, more than anything, they had been a sign of their ability to move forward, of their newfound intimacy. There had been want in them, even then, but it had been restrained.

They had been so happy, just to be near each other again.

Natalia was the one who had taken it to the next level, one night, in the front seat of her car.

Of the two of them, Olivia liked to drink more, so Natalia frequently did the driving when they went out together. She would pick Olivia up at the Beacon, then take her back home after they had finished their meal.

This particular Friday night, Olivia had climbed into the front passenger seat and, as she was getting settled, asked Natalia a question. She hadn’t received an answer so she had looked over at her and found herself being scrutinized...

***

“Natalia?” Olivia asked, unnerved by the other woman’s silence.

Rather than answering in words, Natalia leaned towards her and laid a hand against her cheek. It was a gesture of possession, and Olivia could feel her want even before the kiss that followed it.

The kiss itself was slow and surprisingly sensual, deeper than any kiss they’d shared before. As she lost herself in it, Olivia recognized how much attention Natalia had been paying to her own preferences these last few weeks. The way Natalia teased her mouth open, the extra attention she paid to her lower lip...

By the time Natalia finally pulled away, Olivia had been shaken.

“What...?” she asked, not sure if she even expected an answer. The intimacy of the gesture had left her with few enough words of her own.

“Last night, I...” Natalia paused and glanced down to where her hand still rested on Olivia’s cheek. Her next words were very, very quiet. “I had been thinking of you...”

Olivia immediately understood. She’d had similar experiences herself. With great tenderness, she reached up and brushed some hair back from Natalia’s face.

“Was it a good dream?” she asked.

Natalia looked back up at her. “Yes,” she said, the simplicity of her response at odds with all the emotions Olivia could hear in her voice.

Olivia couldn’t help reacting to her intensity. As she removed Natalia’s hand from her face and held it in her own, it wasn’t just about Natalia’s need anymore.

Lifting Natalia’s hand to her mouth, she offered her the familiar, the comforting - a lingering kiss on her palm - and then she offered her the new, gently nipping at her fingertips.

Natalia made a sound, low in the back of her throat, and Olivia pulled back, not wanting to take it farther than either of them could handle...

***

Their kisses had changed after that, and their touches had started to linger. One night, in the hallway outside Olivia’s hotel room, they had become so involved in each other that it had taken them a few moments to notice that the elevator had stopped on the floor, and someone was about to pass by. They had separated in enough time to save themselves too much embarrassment, but Natalia had been tense every time they said good-bye there ever since.

Olivia had just felt glad that Josh didn’t live on the floor any longer. If they had been interrupted by him - or Reva - she never would have heard the end of it.

Regardless, their lack of privacy had become a problem...even though its absence was entirely self-imposed. Olivia didn’t invite Natalia back into her room after their dates. They always ate dinner out, not in her suite, not at the farmhouse, and even when her and Emma’s visits ran late, Natalia never invited them to spend the night.

They both knew why, and as the weeks passed, Olivia could feel an increase in the tension between them. There was a heaviness, a frustration, in their partings that she didn’t like, and though she knew the fix, she hesitated to make the suggestion.

But Natalia hadn’t. Early this week, they had been sitting on the porch at the farmhouse, talking and enjoying the late spring weather, when the subject of their Friday night plans came up. Emma was inside, finishing her homework, and Francesca was napping, so aside from the baby monitor at their feet, it was just the two of them.

Before Olivia could suggest a restaurant, Natalia asked her over for dinner. Her voice had been so calm, so sure, that at first Olivia thought she had misunderstood the nature of the invitation...

***

“We could have dinner here this week.”

Olivia stopped contemplating possible restaurants, her gaze drawn to where Natalia’s hand now rested on her knee. Had she...?

A quick study of Natalia’s face told Olivia that she had--and that she would really like an answer to her invitation.

For a moment, Olivia hesitated. She knew how she wanted to reply, but she remembered Natalia, after Frank. Her regret. Her guilt.

“Are you sure?” she asked quietly, never looking away from Natalia’s face.

Natalia’s words of reassurance had been simple. “I love you, Olivia,” she said. “And I don’t want to wait anymore.”

***

Olivia looked up as Natalia squeezed her hand.

“I should go. Blake is expecting me.”

“Okay.” Olivia released her hand somewhat reluctantly and watched as she stood, smoothing down the skirt of her dress. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Natalia’s smile as she nodded was brilliant, and Olivia hadn’t fully recovered from it when their waiter came a few minutes later to hand her the check.

She was pulling money out of her purse when Doris slid into the chair Natalia had just vacated.

“Did I just catch the two of you playing footsie under there?” Doris asked conversationally, glancing under the table as she took a sip of the drink in her hand.

“Doris,” Olivia said. She found herself amused - and annoyed - at how quickly the other woman had gotten comfortable at her table. “What can I do for you?”

Doris smiled. “I thought I might be able to help you.” When Olivia only stared at her, Doris looked pointedly in the direction of Natalia’s departure. “If you have any questions...”

“I’m fine.”

“If you change your mind-”

“I’ll let you know,” Olivia said, feeling pretty sure that it would never happen. She wondered if she should thank Doris, for trying, but then she really noticed the other woman’s expression. Despite the fact that her desire to help seemed genuine, Olivia thought Doris looked far too pleased with herself--as she leaned back in her chair, her smile seemed closer to a smirk. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

Doris didn’t even try to deny it. “Did you forget about the blackmail, Olivia?” she asked. “I still owe you for that. And payback’s always-”

“A bitch?”

“You would know.”

“True,” Olivia said, fighting the urge to respond in kind. She had more important things to do than match wits with Doris. She should just let it go.

But she couldn’t. She stood up from her chair, waiting until she turned to leave before she rubbed the back of her neck, surreptitiously extending her middle finger.

She managed to take two steps away before Doris retaliated.

“I appreciate the sentiment, but that’s an offer that might appeal more to your girlfriend.”

Olivia paused at the words, delivered in the driest of tones. She promised herself she wouldn’t look back, she wouldn’t turn around, she wouldn’t let Doris see--

She heard delighted laughter behind her. “Why, Ms. Spencer, are you blushing?”

Olivia glanced back at her then, glaring, but Doris seemed to take it in stride. Her next words were still amused, but also laced with unmistakable affection.

“Good luck, Olivia,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

***

Olivia parked her car in Natalia’s driveway. She checked her appearance in the rearview mirror, adjusted the collar of her shirt, then checked again.

Satisfied, she exited the car.

She felt comfortable in her clothes as she walked up the path to the house--jeans, a white button-up shirt, her favorite boots. It was an outfit she liked, and one that didn’t speak to any particular expectations. She hadn’t wanted Natalia to feel pressure tonight, so aside from her lingerie, she had dressed casually when she changed out of her suit this afternoon.

She had taken the time to pull her hair up in a clip the way Natalia liked it, and she was feeling generally confident as she headed in the direction of the kitchen entrance. She hoped she had arrived in enough time to help with dinner.

Her knock was half-hearted as she pushed the door open. It had been weeks since either she or Emma had waited for Natalia to answer a door before they entered the house.

Natalia wasn’t in the kitchen. Olivia could see that she had started dinner preparations - vegetables lay on a cutting board on the counter and the table was half-set - however, she clearly wasn’t close to being finished. Olivia felt something close to relief at the discovery. This would keep them busy for awhile.

She set the bottle of wine she had brought with her down on the table, put her purse on a chair, and headed into the living room. It was empty, too.

“Natalia?” she called out.

“I’m upstairs.”

Olivia went up the stairs, then made an educated guess and turned in the direction of Natalia’s bedroom.

Natalia was there, sitting on the edge of the bed. She offered Olivia a small smile.

“I started to make us something for dinner,” she said, “but then I thought...”

Olivia felt certain she knew what Natalia was trying to say, but she stayed silent and let her finish.

“I thought we could eat later,” Natalia admitted.

Despite her earlier feelings on the subject, Olivia found herself in complete agreement with the suggestion.

She didn’t have to worry all evening. It would happen. Finally.

She stood in place just long enough to pull the clip out of her hair and drop it on the bedside table, and then she moved to where Natalia sat on the edge of the bed. For a moment, she simply looked at her, before she reached out to touch her face.

It was reassuring, it was comforting - it was them - and when Natalia stood and kissed her, Olivia could feel her confidence. For the first time, Olivia didn’t check herself when she pulled Natalia closer. She let her hands rest where they felt comfortable, one hand cupping the side of Natalia’s face, the other pressed low, against the small of her back.

Natalia deepened the kiss, her hands moving to the buttons of Olivia’s shirt. Her fingers fumbled a little as she attempted to multitask, and for a few seconds she seemed to lose track of everything other than her goal as she undid the top button.

Olivia smiled against her mouth and kept kissing her, curious to see how many tries it would take her to manage them all, while distracted. It only took two, but Natalia looked at her reproachfully as she slid the shirt off her shoulders.

“Sorry,” Olivia said, trying to mean it.

“No, you’re not,” Natalia countered, drawing one of Olivia’s hands to the zipper of her dress. In a matter of seconds, they were working together to pull the garment over Natalia’s head.

As soon as Olivia had dropped it on the floor, she rested her hands against Natalia’s shoulders and allowed herself to step back and look at her. She could feel Natalia watching her, as she looked, and it made her a bit shy--but she looked anyway.

She began by focusing on where her hands rested, her thumbs brushing the black straps of Natalia’s bra. Slowly, she let one of her hands drift downwards, towards Natalia’s breasts.

She hadn’t been sure what it would be like, her first time being with a woman. She knew that she found Natalia beautiful - desirable - but she was so used to men. She knew how to be with them, she knew how to please them, and she hadn’t been sure if that knowledge would carry over. However, right now it didn’t really seem to matter--she just wanted to touch her.

Olivia ran a finger along the lace edging of Natalia’s bra. It was very pretty, the way its pattern contrasted with the smoothness of her skin--

She looked up at Natalia’s soft laugh.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d like.”

Olivia smiled at her. Apparently, it was a problem they had both shared. “It’s wonderful,” she informed her, loving Natalia’s quick intake of breath as she leaned down and momentarily let her mouth join the path her fingers had been taking.

When she she lifted her head again, neither of them were as composed as before, and Olivia knew she should finish this, so they could take each other to bed.

She took another step back, her gaze drifting downwards to take in the rest of her.

She caught a glimpse of more black lace before one of Natalia’s hands moved forward, quickly, instinctively, to cover the evidence of the incision from her surgery, her fingers spreading outwards in an attempt to hide the scar on her lower abdomen.

Olivia reached down and trapped Natalia’s hand under her own. “Hey,” she said gently. She used her free hand to grab Natalia’s other hand, the one that still hung by her side. She placed it on her own chest, over her transplant scar. “It’s okay.”

They stood like that for a minute, tracing each other’s scars, until Olivia leaned forward and kissed her.

***

Olivia looked down at the top of Natalia’s head, her breath catching at the sight of her own fingers threaded through Natalia’s dark hair. She bit her lip, trying to keep herself together. She managed, but it was difficult. The sight of Natalia - her touches - tentative at first, then growing more confident as Olivia responded to the feel of the caresses on her skin--

Olivia felt her hips press forward, again, and she knew that Natalia felt it, too.

They were lying together, partially entwined, in the center of Natalia’s bed. The moment they had finished undressing each other, Natalia had guided Olivia back onto the mattress, and she had been making love to her ever since. She had been gentle, but firm, in her wordless insistence. She was taking care of Olivia first.

With great care, she had mapped delicate paths across Olivia’s body with her hands, her mouth. She was thorough in her explorations, and Olivia had been surprised at what elicited the strongest of her own reactions--Natalia’s lips against her collarbone, Natalia’s fingertips brushing the underside of her breasts. It had been new - almost startling - and Olivia had occasionally felt the need to pull Natalia up her body so they could share the familiarity of another kiss.

Olivia did that now, as Natalia’s hand moved lower than before. She felt her body react, anticipating, as Natalia’s fingers followed the curve of her hip, turning inwards...

....and then stopping.

Natalia drew back from her, ending their kiss. “I’m not sure...”

“Me neither,” Olivia admitted. She knew about herself, of course. But that--

--was exactly what they needed.

Olivia took Natalia’s hand from her body and brought it to her mouth. Holding Natalia’s gaze, she did what she had done so many times before--kissed her fingers. She was slow, methodical, in her attentions, her mouth lingering over a faded burn on the inside of Natalia’s thumb.

It was a good distraction, and when Olivia slid their hands back down her body, the tension between them felt right again. Their fingers brushed against her breasts, her stomach, the inside of her thighs, and then she was curving Natalia’s hand upwards, inwards, and helping her establish a rhythm, one that felt good, but still allowed her to appreciate the look of utter concentration on Natalia’s face--

Olivia drew in a sharp breath and closed her eyes as Natalia shifted closer, moving the fingers inside her with greater insistency.

When Olivia opened her eyes again, Natalia smiled at her knowingly and leaned forward to kiss her. After that, Olivia didn’t notice anything other than the feel of it, the feel of her, too immersed in sensation to be able to understand the quiet words Natalia whispered in time with the movements of her fingers. Repetition finally garnered her a certain awareness - please, I love you, for me - and she came, moaning softly, against Natalia’s hand, pressing her face into Natalia’s shoulder to muffle the sound.

For a long time they stayed like that, Natalia holding her as her breathing slowed. After awhile, she slowly shifted and Olivia could feel a hand stroking her hair.

Without raising her head, Olivia reached a hand upwards to lightly grip Natalia’s forearm. She felt Natalia’s hand still, then Natalia’s cheek brushed her cheek and Natalia’s lips touched her forehead.

Olivia looked up at her and was rewarded with a smile. She wasn’t sure which one of them looked more in awe of the other, but Natalia found her voice first.

“Thank you,” she said.

Olivia had difficulty processing the compliment. She felt as if Natalia had stolen her line. “What?” she asked, pulling back slightly.

“For this.” Natalia gestured between them. “For being here, with me. For trust-” she caught herself, then continued, almost smoothly, “For making me happy.”

Olivia couldn’t look away from her smile. “I love you,” she said. “And we’ll make this work.” She could tell that Natalia heard the unsaid, her promise, because her smile got even bigger.

“I think we already did,” Natalia said teasingly, and Olivia felt an echo of her body’s response from earlier as Natalia touched her face again. “Thank you for helping me figure it out.”

Olivia remembered the way Natalia had almost immediately changed the pace of her movements. “You didn’t really listen to me.”

“That’s because I know you.” Natalia glanced downwards, her gaze possessive. “And I knew what I wanted.”

Olivia wondered if Natalia would ever stop surprising her. “Yeah?”

“Yes.” Natalia tilted her head forward until their lips barely touched. When Olivia leaned into the contact, Natalia’s mouth pressed against hers, soft and sweetly inviting. As the kiss intensified, Olivia shifted forward, closing the distance between them. She shut her eyes at the feel of Natalia’s body against her own and heard Natalia sigh. “You are so passionate,” she murmured, and Olivia recognized the need in her voice.

“Wait,” Olivia said, opening her eyes before Natalia could distract her again.

She gently extricated herself from their embrace and sat up. She looked down at Natalia, studying her, then slid back on the bed until her shoulders rested against the headboard. Once she was settled, she reached out a hand in invitation.

Without a word, Natalia joined her. She followed the direction of Olivia’s hands, until she was settled in Olivia’s lap, a thigh on either side of Olivia’s hips, her knees pressing into the bed.

When her hands came to rest on Olivia’s shoulders, Olivia looked up into her face, and, at the same time, they smiled.

Natalia kissed her then, but even as they pulled each other closer, Olivia couldn’t quite believe it--she was holding Natalia in her arms. She would finally get to love her the way she had wanted to for so long, with every part of herself and nothing between them. She knew the value of this type of love, the pleasure of it, and she offered it to Natalia now as she began to touch her.

She had chosen this position for its intimacy, its access, and she used both to her advantage. She barely had to lean forward and her mouth was caressing Natalia’s skin, her lips tracing the curve of a breast, while her hands moved lower, touching here, then there, learning the shape of Natalia’s hips as they pressed against her hands, wanting to learn the rest of her...

Focusing on Natalia’s face, Olivia slid a hand up her thigh.

Natalia made a small noise and pushed her hips forward, her hands tensing on Olivia’s shoulders.

Olivia could see the last of Natalia’s earlier nervousness in her expression, feel it in the grip of her fingers, and she reached up with her other hand to pull Natalia’s head down towards her own. Natalia started to kiss her, but Olivia wouldn’t allow it. She let her lips graze Natalia’s cheeks, then her mouth, but refused to give her the satisfaction of sustained contact.

At last, with a sigh of frustration, Natalia captured her mouth.

Olivia waited until Natalia relaxed into the kiss, then slid the hand on her thigh further upwards--and touched her.

Natalia stilled, and Olivia could feel the shift in her attention, the way her body reacted to the touch. She could feel Natalia’s breath on her lips, could hear Natalia’s soft gasp as she continued to touch her, fingers pressing against her--then inside her.

Olivia felt her own breath catch as she realized that Natalia had glanced down, trying to see the movements of her hand. The next time she looked back up, Olivia held her gaze and carefully slid another finger inside her, wanting her to feel the fullness of it, as she made love to her, wanting her to know what it was like, the slightest of burns.

For a moment, Natalia’s hands gripped her shoulders again, and then she loosened her hold, her eyes closing in pleasure as Olivia’s fingers started to move.

“Look at me,” Olivia said softly, wanting to watch her, and her reactions.

Natalia slowly opened her eyes and complied, and they looked at each other as Olivia concentrated on matching her movements to the needs of Natalia’s body.

Olivia could tell when it became too much for Natalia, because she felt it with her. She cupped Natalia’s face in her hand, ran a finger along her cheek. Stay with me.

Still looking at Natalia’s face, Olivia shifted the fingers inside her...then tried changing the angle of her thumb.

Natalia shuddered, her short, quiet breaths the only sound between them as she came, and Olivia felt an ache inside herself, watching her, as Natalia did her best to follow the earlier directive, never once looking away.

As the movements of Natalia’s hips slowed, she finally looked down, her hair falling across her face. Rather than brush it back, Olivia gave her a minute. She ran a hand up and down her back, reassuring her, soothing her. She felt a little ashamed of herself as she found that she had to resist the urge to draw her closer, already wanting her all over again.

She studied her, hesitating. She knew Natalia wasn’t ready for more, just yet, but she really wanted...

Continuing to stroke Natalia’s back, Olivia eased her other hand from its position between Natalia’s thighs and brought it to her mouth. She pressed the tips of her first two fingers against her lips--

--and felt Natalia tense against her.

Olivia looked up to find Natalia watching her and let her hand drop.

“Natalia,” she said, “I-”

Before she could explain further, Natalia was kissing her, the force of it pushing her back into the headboard. Olivia kissed her back, responding to her enthusiasm, not stopping until they were both breathless and she was supporting Natalia’s body with her own. She could feel the effort it took, for Natalia to sit up.

“I love you,” Natalia said, staring down into her face.

Olivia drew Natalia back into her arms, leaning forward slightly so they could rest their heads on each other’s shoulders. “I love you too."

***

Purple

“I choose you too.”

Side 2

Natalia woke up smiling.

Olivia was in her bed, curled against her back.

She had finally gotten what she wanted. And despite everything that had made the wait so long, so difficult...

She felt her smile grow. It had been worth it.

She wasn’t really surprised by the revelation. That Olivia herself was worth it - all of it - hadn’t been one of her doubts. She had known it would feel good to lie next to her, be close to her, and she hadn’t been wrong. Even as Olivia slept, Natalia could feel it - that closeness - and she had to fight the urge to turn and look at her. She loved doing that, simply looking, but she didn’t want to take the chance of waking her just yet, at least not for her own satisfaction.

She looked at her own hands instead, at where they lay on her sheets. She could still see them, the way they had looked last night, as they rested on Olivia’s body. She could still feel the strength of Olivia’s reaction to them, as they moved across her skin. And holding her, after, had been...

Once again, Natalia had to fight the urge to turn towards her.

She had felt so happy. Happy, and a little bit proud. She had been worried, but they had managed it. They had figured it out, together.

And that had been worth it, too.

She had been so nervous. Not only about the physical part of it, but about the entire evening...including the time before they went to bed. Since the spa trip, it hadn’t been a secret between them that fighting was the easiest option when they were feeling uncertain. They had no trouble finding reasons to argue with each other, and they had never really held back--until recently.

Now, they were more careful, aware of the kinds of reminders such exchanges could bring with them. But they still made mistakes, and she hadn’t wanted to make a mistake, last night.

The dinner that had ended so badly after Olivia talked with Frank had been the exception. Usually, they caught it early, like lunch yesterday - a touch, a quick apology, and then it was over - but that one time had been enough. Watching Olivia pull away, silent, untouchable, had been very painful. They had talked their way through it and, if they needed to, they’d do it again, but she really hadn’t wanted anything like it to happen last night. She didn’t want to have to try again. She wanted to get it right the first time.

She’d meant what she said to Olivia. She hadn’t wanted to wait anymore.

The way that Olivia looked at her during their lunch yesterday had made her feel confident - she had thought Olivia would like that dress - but by the time she got back to the farmhouse she had been feeling the weight of her anticipation. She started cooking dinner, assuming that the routine of it would help her relax...but it hadn’t.

She’d gone upstairs to go to the bathroom, thinking that she might need to do a few personal touch-ups, run a brush through her hair. She had, but then, instead of going back downstairs, she had walked into her room and sat down on the bed.

At first she thought she’d get up again, but the longer she stayed there, the more she realized that she didn’t want to go back downstairs. If she went back down where there were ready distractions, she might not be able to say what she wanted...

Then Olivia had come upstairs, and her lack of hesitation as she undid her hair and moved towards the bed told Natalia that they would have made it to her room at some point that night, regardless of whether or not dinner had been a success.

Not that she would ever regret skipping it.

As they started undressing, Natalia could already see the differences in their experiences--and their expectations. Olivia was utterly unselfconscious in her nudity. She took it for granted, and Natalia tried to follow her lead. She had thought they would at least draw back the sheets before they removed the last of their clothing, but Olivia wouldn’t let herself be coaxed into bed until they had completely finished undressing.

Natalia had never made love like that, without being partially covered by something - clothing, someone else’s body, the drape of a blanket, or a sheet - but, rather than embarrassing her, she found that it made her feel safe. Accepted.

Olivia could see all of her, and still wanted her--made her feel beautiful.

When Olivia finally held her, completely uncovered, Natalia knew she had nothing left to hide. It was what allowed her to give Olivia what she wanted; it was what allowed her to keep looking at Olivia even when it would have been so much easier to look away.

Later, when they finally lifted their heads off each other’s shoulders, and Olivia started touching her again, Natalia had sat up in her arms and touched her in return. It had been a bit awkward and nowhere near perfect - they kept getting distracted by each other’s fingers - but Natalia had loved the intimacy of it, as they shifted against one another. As their breathing changed, Natalia had cupped the back of Olivia’s head and kissed her--and the press of her hand was all that saved Olivia’s head from jerking back into the headboard when they started moving their hips in time with their fingers. Natalia thought Olivia had laughed, but it was hard to be sure--they had mostly figured the rest of it out by then...

They slid down on the bed, afterwards, and Olivia had pulled a sheet up to cover them. Natalia felt tired by then - she hadn’t known how tense she had been the last few weeks until now, when it was gone - but not too tired to smile at the gesture.

They had lain there together, facing each other and talking quietly until well into the night, not really touching other than where Olivia’s hand rested on her own. Natalia had drifted off somewhere in the middle of a discussion of their summer plans. She had opened her eyes again, later, to find Olivia watching her, but when she started to say something, an explanation, an apology, Olivia had only pulled her closer. The warmth of Olivia’s body, the feel of the hand stroking her hair had defeated Natalia’s attempts to stay awake, and she had slept undisturbed until this morning.

Natalia kept her body as still as possible and glanced over her shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of the woman curled against her. It seemed that Olivia had slept well, too. Natalia knew she might not wake up for awhile yet--she was such a late sleeper when she didn’t have to get out of bed.

Natalia wondered if she could finish making breakfast before Olivia woke up. She hadn’t gotten to cook for her last night, and maybe if she moved very carefully...

As she eased towards the edge of the bed, she felt Olivia’s arm slip around her waist. She wondered if it was a conscious movement or if Olivia had just reached out in her sleep--

“Where are you going?”

So much for surprising her.

Natalia touched the hand at her waist and smiled. “To make breakfast.”

Olivia’s arm tightened around her. “We can do that later.”

“Aren’t you hungry?” Natalia asked, already knowing the answer. Olivia had mentioned food during their conversation last night--she had to be hungry by now.

“Yes,” Olivia said, her cheek soft against Natalia’s shoulder.

Although she knew she was delaying her progress out of bed, Natalia took Olivia’s hand from her body and brought it up to her mouth. She ignored the way the sheet slipped downwards as she tilted her head and kissed Olivia’s fingers. “Okay,” she said as she lowered their hands. “You can sleep, and I can make coffee-”

“That sounds good,” Olivia said, and Natalia felt her hair being brushed aside. She closed her eyes as Olivia kissed the back of her neck.

She could feel Olivia’s smile against her skin.

“Olivia,” she said, opening her eyes, exasperated. Before she could get any further, Olivia’s mouth started tracing the path of her spine, and Natalia reacted without thought, her back arching into the touch. She glanced over her shoulder again. “That’s not helping.”

“You’re still here,” Olivia said, and her tone was so smug that Natalia had to laugh. She knew then that Olivia had lost sight of the original goal--if she’d ever been paying attention at all.

“Fine, I’ll stay,” Natalia said, turning to face her. “But you’re making the coffee this morning.”

Olivia smiled, clearly enjoying the win. “I make the coffee sometimes,” she said. When Natalia only looked at her, Olivia’s smile became slightly guilty and she leaned forward to rest her face against Natalia’s shoulder. “I do,” she muttered, and Natalia laughed again.

When Olivia looked up, Natalia reached out to cradle her face. They studied each other for a minute, and then kissed, their movements unhurried, slow. After they finally separated, Natalia watched Olivia’s gaze moved down her body before returning to her face.

Olivia’s look was searching as she lifted a hand to rest on Natalia’s hip, her fingers playing with the edge of the sheet in an unspoken request.

Natalia didn’t answer her right away. She couldn’t. After all the confidence Olivia had shown the night before, Natalia hadn’t expected the uncertainty she could see in her expression right now. Her movements were almost tentative.

Natalia didn’t understand all the reasons for it, but she kissed Olivia, gently, and then put her hand over Olivia’s hand, helping her push down the sheet.

She flushed a little as Olivia looked at her, still not accustomed to so much attention. Needing a break from the intensity, she reached out towards her--only to have Olivia catch her hand. Natalia recognized her stubbornness and sighed. Such greediness. She wondered if she’d always have to fight for her turn.

Natalia saw Olivia’s surprise when her response was to move even closer. One sharp tug, a twist, and she had pulled Olivia on top of her. She hadn’t prepared herself for how good it would feel - the solid presence of her, the weight of her - and she couldn’t hold back a small moan as she ran a hand down her back.

Olivia pushed herself up at the sound, and Natalia could see she was ready to slide off her--but then she smiled, seeming to recognize the nature of the reaction...

Natalia breathed in sharply as Olivia pressed a thigh between her legs.

“Is that what you wanted, Natalia?” Olivia asked teasingly, and Natalia didn’t know if the upwards shift of her own hips could be attributed to the feel of her or to the adoration in her smile. Olivia made her feel so wanted.

“Yes. That,” Natalia said, looking up at her. She slid her hands down to Olivia’s hips, shifting her, realigning their bodies, and then pushed her own leg upwards, reciprocating Olivia’s gesture. “And this.”

Olivia’s eyes closed for a moment. “Clever,” she said appreciatively.

“It was your idea,” Natalia reminded her.

“I know.”

“You-” Natalia began, only to be interrupted by another press of Olivia’s thigh. “That’s not fair,” she said when she had caught her breath.

It was clear from her expression that Olivia knew that, too.

Natalia shook her head, but rather than protesting further, she pulled Olivia down for a kiss--and pushed her leg upwards.

***

“That’s not right.”

“What?” Olivia looked down at the griddle and frowned. “Yes, it is.”

Natalia put the juice back in the fridge and joined Olivia at the stove. “No, it’s not.”

Olivia looked as insulted now as she had when Natalia commented earlier. “I do know how to do this, you know. I've been professionally trained.”

“Then you should know how to take instruction in a kitchen.” Natalia examined the pancakes more closely. Evenly-spaced and golden-brown, she was sure they were technically perfect. “I know how you like them, and that’s not it.”

“I...”

Natalia turned away to hide a smile as she realized that she had made Olivia speechless. She knew it was bad, but she found she was enjoying this argument. “Don’t let them burn,” she said over her shoulder as she reached up to pull two mugs out of the cupboard.

Out of the corner of her vision, Natalia could see Olivia gesture, but she purposely ignored it. She walked over to the coffee pot and poured them each a cup of the coffee she had made. Despite their earlier exchange, she had still been the one to make it--but she had done it because Olivia had insisted on cooking the meal. Natalia had gotten everything started - put together a batter, laid out bacon - only to find herself nudged aside as Olivia took over the stove. Natalia hadn’t fought her for the position--she’d just moved out of her way and started setting the table.

However, she hadn’t been able to resist watching Olivia cook, and maybe she had stayed a little too involved.

She picked up the mugs and turned to see Olivia putting plates of food on the table. Natalia smiled as Olivia shifted the place settings, lessening the distance between them, then moved the chairs so they would be sitting next to each other.

Natalia walked over to table and Olivia took one of the cups from her. When they sat down together, their shoulders practically touched.

Olivia reached out to take her hand.

“For what we are about to eat, we give thanks,” Natalia said quietly, squeezing Olivia’s hand to let her know that appreciation was being directed her way as well.

Natalia knew that Olivia understood the gesture because her smile got even bigger. She looked very pleased with herself as they started to eat. Her expression changed a few bites into the meal, and Natalia knew she’d just won their earlier argument--but she didn’t say a single word.

They ate in a comfortable silence, and Natalia felt grateful to be able to concentrate on her food. She hadn’t realized she was this hungry. Still, she couldn’t help stealing glances at Olivia from time-to-time and, after the third or fourth time, she caught Olivia glancing back at her. For a second, they looked at each other, amused, and then Natalia started laughing.

“We’re so sad,” she said, and Olivia nodded her agreement.

“I don’t think we would have made it through dinner last night.”

Natalia looked at the bottle of wine still sitting on the table. It was one of their favorites. “We’ll have to try it again sometime.”

Olivia smiled ruefully. “I should have just brought champagne.”

Natalia thought about the toast they had never gotten to finish last year. She would have really liked to do that today. Though she supposed they could make do...

She picked up Olivia’s juice glass. “I know it’s not what you were thinking...”

Olivia reached out and wrapped her hand around the glass, her palm resting on Natalia’s fingers. “It works,” she said, as they guided the glass to her mouth.

Olivia looked at her over the edge of the glass the entire time she drank, and Natalia couldn’t believe the difference, from before, in how that look affected her. It made her think about last night - this morning - and it made her...

By the time they put the glass down, she felt flustered. She turned to the distraction of her food, but she had barely started eating again when she felt Olivia’s hand on her face.

“How do you always...?” Olivia asked, trailing off as she carefully wiped syrup from the corner of Natalia’s upper lip. After she finished, she brought her hand back to her own mouth.

Natalia watched, absorbed, as Olivia licked the syrup from her fingers.

Olivia didn’t miss her reaction. She stopped what she was doing to stare at her. “That really worked for you,” she said, a hint of wonder in her voice. Her expression became considering, and she smiled. “I’ll have to remember that.”

Natalia felt her cheeks heat at the promise in those words. She looked back down at her breakfast, trying not to think about what Olivia might have planned for them.

Her attention shifted as Olivia moved a hand to cover one of her own. The sight of their hands like that always made her happy, but this time, as her gaze traveled up their wrists, she found herself more pleased than usual. It must have showed in her expression because when Olivia spoke, she sounded embarrassed.

“Oh, stop it,” she said.

Natalia didn’t think that either of them could quite believe that she’d had to lend Olivia a robe. It wasn’t that Olivia didn’t look good in it - she did - even if the sleeves didn’t go all the way down to her wrists. But it meant she had forgotten to bring one herself, and it wasn’t all that she had forgotten.

She hadn’t even brought a change of clothes.

“You knew you were spending the night,” Natalia said, defending her reaction.

“I’m used to having my things here.” Olivia said. She tugged at the sleeves of the robe, then shrugged, accepting the lack. “I’ll leave some here next time.”

Natalia loved her surety. Next time. Not a question.

She watched as Olivia leaned back in her chair, coffee cup in hand, studying the room. She wondered if she should ask her now...

“You were right, you know,” Olivia said. “I do like your kitchen.”

Natalia decided that now sounded like a good idea. “It can be your kitchen too.”

Olivia paused mid-sip of coffee, then lowered the cup. “What?”

“Move back in with me,” Natalia said. It wasn’t really a question, and she thought Olivia looked impressed.

“I knew last night was good,” Olivia said, “but I-”

Natalia felt certain it was better not to let her finish that sentence. “Say yes.”

“Natalia-”

“Say yes.”

Olivia was silent, looking at her, and Natalia realized that both of them already knew the answer. Satisfied, she reached over and rested a hand on Olivia’s thigh.

At the gesture, Olivia’s lips curved upwards into a slow smile. “What if I say I need some time and space?” she asked.

Natalia didn’t think it was very funny, but she kissed her anyway, not stopping until Olivia tried to pull her closer. She drew away then, sitting back in her chair and showing great interest in the remainder of her food.

She could feel Olivia staring at her. “What...?”

“I’m giving you what you want,” Natalia said. “Time.” She scooted her chair further away. “And space.”

It was Olivia’s turn to look unamused. “Screw time and space,” she said impatiently, leaning towards Natalia and pulling her into another kiss.

***

Part 8