Comments | lifemovingfwd: Why be a secondary?

lifemovingfwd

Why be a secondary?

Apr 03, 2013 09:29

This post has been brewing in my mind since Sunday when Cw asked me, in short, "Why be a secondary?" We talked about the idea a great deal. Yes, we are in a hierarchal relationship. Nw and Cw are the primary couple. I am the secondary. Their relationship is primary, my relationship with him is secondary. That means that when push comes to ( Read more... )

non-monogamy, marriage, intimate relationship, life, triad, free will, alternative lifestyle, acceptance, general, emotions, love, real life, understanding, polyamory, monogamy, communication, loneliness, vee

Comments 3

ladythmpr April 9 2013, 05:13:41 UTC

I was a secondary in many relationships for a long time. It worked, mostly because I had several relationships and a busy work and social life besides. My needs were met, and I generally didn't feel second-class. Being secondary was not without its heartache; there was one relationship where I was vetoed after 6.5 years and if there was to be a marriage, I had to go.

Personally, I don't do primary/secondary, even though I have been in relationships where I was a secondary. In my current life, I have partners I live with and partners I don't live with. (In my world, living with someone does not a primary make.) I could and probably would be a secondary again, if I were to find a new relationship; toddlers don't leave a lot of extra time!

This! So many times this! Thank you!! anonymous April 13 2013, 02:09:10 UTC

I have a similar mindset to yours. My husband's girlfriend has a similar mindset to Tacit's. It causes many issues ( ... )

Re: This! So many times this! Thank you!! lifemovingfwd April 14 2013, 14:49:07 UTC

Oddly, this has come up recently with a friend of mine who is poly. Her wife has begun dating, having finally met someone she connected with. My friend is just about ready to strangle the new girl though because she doesn't respect that my friend is the primary.

This is the part that backs my stance against NOT recognizing primary/secondary status....

My friend swears she doesn't believe in primary/secondary hierarchy.

Yep, same as always, no one thinks that's the way to do it until they feel that their pre-existing relationship is being threatened. Then they become primaries in a hurry. *chuckle*

Not making light of the dilemma of my friend, but wow, doesn't it just make the point?

For me, being the secondary works just fine. I don't have an issue with the terms, respecting the primary relationship, or anything else about it. I know where I fit, and that's a pretty comfy space for a relationship to grow from.