Fic, Into the Dark, Green Cortina, by DorsetGirl
Title: Into the Dark
Author: DorsetGirl
Fandom: Life on Mars
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters or their universe. BBC/Kudos do. I’m not making any money out of this.
Rating: Green Cortina for angst.
Pairings: Sam/Gene
Word Count: 910
Summary: Sam phones the Samaritans
A/N: This is part of the Survival series. I’m a bit surprised to find how long it is since I last posted in this series - I haven’t stopped working on it, it’s just that nothing wants to be finished. This one has been through lots of changes, then it suddenly changed its ending on me this morning as I was tidying it up for posting. Not beta’d, so corrections and concrit welcome as always.
Previously posted: Not The Dark (by dakfinv) / Body & Soul / Watching / Hope / Breaking Through / Still With Us / Not Just a Cry For Help / Keep Taking the Tablets / Useless / Out to Lunch / Fighting to Survive / Into the Dark
Into the Dark
Sam is finding it difficult to say what needs to be said, without giving away what can never be said.
He’s had over a year now of watching every word he says, even to Gene, and there are days when he thinks he might die of exhaustion, the relentless ache of never being truly himself.
“I’ve had a ... difficult ... experience recently. And I’m not getting over it as quickly as I should. I should be better by now.”
He’s done his best to work through this by himself in the only way he knows - exhume the terrors, pick over the details. He knows that familiar handling will dull their edge and one day leave him free of the horror.
“Gene, my ... partner ... says I’m wallowing, that I’ve just got to get over it, but to do that, I need to talk about it, get it out.”
Gene has resisted, argued. Told Sam to forget it, be strong, move on.
”In fact I’m desperate to talk about it.”
Sam has tried analysing his memories, holding them up to the harsh light of his expectations, and now he knows that if Gene won’t help him find a way through this, he won’t get through it.
But Gene just wants Sam to smile and say it’s forgotten, all better now, because he’s terrified that if he hears the details he will never look at Sam the same way again.
“You’re having nightmares, is that right? Look, everything you tell me is completely confidential, but you should tell Jean how you feel, otherwise it will be a barrier between you.”
Layers of deceit and concealment already lie between his soul and his world, just from being alive and not four years old in this time.
“I ... the trouble is ... look, this isn’t going to work, I can’t tell you anything. It’s sub judice.”
Add to that his true heart’s match being a police officer, his boss, a man in this still-uneasy time.
“And if Gene finds out I’ve phoned you lot, ... she ... will go mad, say I’m being a self-centred nancy git.”
Factor in his one-and-only being his complete opposite in practically every way that matters.
“Half the time I just want to hit something, but he - well, I know he means well, but he...”
Fuck.
“ ... She, I mean, I know she means well...”
“Sam. This is all confidential. Just say what you need to say, it won’t go any further.”
He needs to say it to Gene, but this... thing... this screaming nightmare of a thing... is crushing them, forcing them apart. Every time Gene turns impatiently away, Sam’s ability to fight and survive takes another beating.
“...Right. Um. Well, I ... in my mind I feel like I’m still trapped in the hole. That’s where I was, in a hole under the floorboards. It was cold in there. Cold and dark and silent. I was there three days I think; could have been less, I don’t really know. And they’d drag me out sometimes, well, every day I suppose, and ... and kick me, and ask me questions. And I wouldn’t answer them, I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. So they’d kick me again and then they’d dump me back in the hole.”
“And ... in my head it’s like that hole is still there, deep and dark and I’m ... I was safe in there. When I was in the hole they couldn’t hurt me any more. And ... sometimes I just want to crawl back in and ... and close my eyes and just stay there, curled up safe in the dark. Then I wake up and it is dark, and I get scared. But it’s all right, because Gene is there, and he stops me screaming and holds me tight.”
“But other times, when it’s been a bad day, or when we’ve argued, those times I’m happy to be back in the hole, I want to be back in the hole. And those nights I wake up and it’s Gene that’s screaming. Hitting me, smacking me round the face. He says I’m really scaring him, it’s like I keep disappearing. Like I’m hiding.”
“And the worst thing is, I am.”
“Last night ... last night Gene said he’d been trying to get through to me for an hour, and I was just ... not there. He was shitting himself. This can’t go on.”
“But he still won’t talk about it. He’s driving me nuts. He says I’m just keeping it alive by going on about it and I should just let it go. But I can’t. In my head that hole is getting bigger and darker and more ... inviting ... and I’m scared one day I’m just going to dive in and never come out. That sounds a bit melodramatic, but ...well...”
“What do you need him ...Gene?... to do?”
“I want him to listen to me. I just want to tell him what happened to me, then I can move on.”
“And how well do you think Gene will cope with all this? I mean, I don’t know how close you two are, but it sounds as if he cares about you a lot. Isn’t that going to be frightening for him, knowing what you went through, how close he came to losing you?”
“Sam, how are you going to help Gene move on?”