In the Meadow - Part 1
Note. This is the Meadow scene from Twilight, in Edward's POV. This is a fanfiction, I don't own Twilight or any of the characters.
“I know, we are going back” Alice said looking at me sure of herself, as usual. I smiled at her but didn’t move yet. I was lucky she was with me, agreeing to this last minute hunt.
“Thank you Alice!” She made a face but I ignored it. “I mean it. Your support means so much to me. I feel…” I hesitated searching for the right word “safer knowing that you are on my side.”
She was silent for a minute, seeking the future with a crease on her forehead. She meant what she said earlier, she loved Bella and she was concerned for her. Shame burnt me, because even if I was ten thousand times more worried than she was, it didn’t stop me to put her in mortal danger.
“Everything depends on you, Edward” she sighed. The twin futures were clear in her head as ever. I cringed at the mental pictures, it was hard to accept that there was still a possibility of that to happen, me killing Bella. “I think…” she turned to look me in the eyes more seriously than I ever seen her “I think that tomorrow will be sort of a turning point. One future will cease to exist starting from tomorrow” she said. Which one? I couldn’t utter the words. My jaw was so clenched that no whisper came out, but she understood the message of my burning eyes.
“I don’t know. But… I just know that it’s going to be fine” a small smile emerged on the corner of her lips. It was not a vision this time, she had faith in me just like Esme and Carlisle. I wished so hard to deserve that faith… but how could I? Wasn’t I planning to make an already hard situation a lot worse? But I couldn’t stay away, it wasn’t possible. Bella pulled me toward herself with an irresistible force and I felt helpless against it. I wasn’t strong enough to leave her alone. I watched the flickering pictures in Alice’s head, she was concentrating on one side of the future, the happier side where I was strong enough to leave her alive. The images changed so quickly that I couldn’t make them out, just a flicker here and there. Me, twinkling in the sunlight. Bella, sleeping tranquilly in a huge bed. Feathers falling.
“What was that?” I asked distracted by the perplexing picture.
“I don’t know” she shrugged. “But I think it’s… something happy” she said. Something happy? What on earth could that be? What happy future could I hope for? What I registered was the hope that came from Alice’s visions. There was a future out there where Bella was safe. If I was strong enough. Was I?
“Alice… would you…” I started but she knew what I was going to ask. My anxiety was flowing out through my every pore.
“I will watch out. I promise. I will be there at any sign of danger. I’ll come with you if that makes you feel better” she laughed a tinkling laugh.
“No, I’d rather you don’t.” I smiled a little. “But I’m counting on you, Alice.” It did make me feel a little bit better that someone else was watching out for her too. In case I wasn’t up to it. But I have to be! I will be.
We were running back to Forks already, I was eager to be at her side. In the last few days I’ve been spending a lot of my time with Bella and to be apart made me uneasy. I ached to see her, to be near her. The longer I stayed with her, the stronger her pull was for me. It felt as if the world wasn’t whole unless she was there with me. It was worse than any addiction, the more I had, the more I craved her company. Alice turned her steps toward her house, she knew that I wasn’t going home.
“You were going to go see her, weren’t you?” she asked more out of courtesy. There was no doubt in her mind.
“It helps when I’m around her more. I get used to her smell and it’s easier to ignore.”
“You should take whatever measure you can” she nodded seriously. We were at her house already. “See you back at home” she added and she was out of my sight.
“See you” I answered to the empty darkness.
I climbed through the window that was too familiar to me already. I sighed as I slid the pane in silence. I should feel remorse over my sneaking behind her back, but all I felt was relief, sweet, amazing relief at seeing her safe in her room. Bella was sleeping soundly, without moving or talking this time. I sat in my usual spot, inhaling her smell waiting for the familiar burn in my throat. It came alright, aching a bit more than the last time due to the absence. But also, there was something odd about her smell tonight. A bitter undertone to it, and I realized quickly what it was: drugs. She took medicine, was she ill? I studied her face worry tightening my stomach, but she looked healthy to me. She was a bit more quiet in her sleep than usual, but otherwise she looked normal, or rather more than that. The roses of her cheeks, her shiny hair spread all over her pillow, her quiet breathing, even her body temperature added to the picture of health itself. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was her tranquil sleep, she looked like she wasn’t even dreaming. I thought that having our plans for tomorrow she would be agitated… and then I understood. She took the pills to calm herself! I couldn’t be sure of course, I could never be sure of anything regarding Bella, but it was a reasonable supposition, and it clarified a very important thing about her. If she used medicine to squash it then it was no ordinary anxiety that she felt: Bella wasn’t oblivious to the danger she was in through being with me. She knew fare well what she was getting herself into, she ignored it in good faith. She wasn’t crazy, she was just brave… and she cared for me more than I deserved. Shame, worry, despair warred with happiness as I watched her sleep. She wanted to be with me as I wanted to be with her. Despite everything. It was mind-boggling, it was incomprehensible. A resolve, stronger than ever before settled through me: I was going to be safe for her. I was going to be as human as I possibly can. I could do it. Carlisle, Esme, even Alice thought that I was capable. I just had to find a way.
I sat there in her rocking chair all night long, breathing and burning, controlling my urges, dominating them. The first faint light of dawn pulled me out of my concentration, I climbed out her window and went home to change. I was eager to be back by her side, so I ran as fast as I could.
Alice was sitting on the porch, that had me worried at first, I thought that she saw something bad. But I noticed the cheerful line of her thoughts and her smile reassured me.
“Something happened” she said, but her tone wasn’t alarming. “I’m almost positive that everything is going to be fine” she said, looking at me curiously. As I didn’t reply anything, she grew impatient. “So what happened?”
“Just… Bella.” I said smiling. Alice nodded as if that clarified everything. I tousled her hair, she wrinkled her nose.
I ran up to my room and changed quickly. When I walked out, Esme was waiting for me on the top of the stairs. She hugged me without words. She was slightly worried, but mostly, she was happy. Good luck, Edward! she thought. There wasn’t any doubt in her mind that everything would work out fine. She couldn’t imagine me doing something that horrifying. I sighed, wishing she was right in believing in me.
“Thank you, mom” I whispered. Rosalie was sitting on the living room sofa, she rolled her eyes indignantly when she saw us up there. Encourage him! Like it wasn’t dangerous to all of us! She grumbled inside. But she didn’t say anything out loud. I tried to ignore her, but her thoughts were burning my insides. As much as I resented it, Rosalie was perfectly right. I risked everything, not just Bella’s life and my own peace of mind. I risked everything, the whole life that we built in the last century. I pulled myself out of Esme’s embrace and flitted down the stairs, out of the door. Alice was still outside.
I know, I know. At any sign of danger… she thought. I looked at her intently for a long moment, and then I started running toward Bella. No, there was nothing that could have stopped me. No worry, no warning, no logic, no common sense.
I waited outside the house for a few minutes. Charlie was already gone and I listened to Bella move about the house, counting her heartbeat. She moved erratically, perhaps she was nervous again. How nervous? Was she frightened? Would she bail? I knew that it would be the best thing for her: to think better of it and run, but even the thought of it sent me on a spiraling way of despair. I couldn’t have bared that now! What would I do? Could I leave her alone if she asked me that? That would be the right thing to do, but how could I make myself do that? She finished brushing her teeth and she was walking down the stairs, so I thought it was time. I knocked softly on the door and listened how her heartbeat burst into a frenzied gallop. My breathing stopped while I waited for her to open the door.
She had a slight trouble with the lock, but finally she pulled it open and I watched as the anxiety on her face dissolved and a warm expression took its place. She sighed in relief, my worries, the selfish ones were gone. She didn’t change her mind. I took in her image, her soft lines, I drank up the eager expression of her beautiful face, it was an incredible relief to look into her eyes. Then a small chuckle escaped me when I saw that we were dressed alike.
“Good morning” I said, easing up finally.
“What’s wrong?” she looked over herself making a quick inventory.
“We match” I said still chuckling. I realized that I unconsciously dressed to fit her clothing that was laid out in her room last night. I concentrated so hard on being more like her, I took it too literally it seemed. She smiled back, but there was a hint of reluctance in her smile that I didn’t understand. What was it that bothered her? One more mystery to add to the mountain of mysteries that never seemed to lessen no matter how much time I spent with her.
She locked the door while I waited by her truck eying the vehicle with a disgusted look. Why did she have to insist on driving that ancient piece of junk?
“We made a deal” she said with a smug expression on her face. She climbed into the driver’s seat and reached over to open the door for me.
“Where to?” she asked a little too eagerly to sound natural.
“Put you seat belt on - I’m nervous already” I said half amused, half serious. She looked at me darkly, but she did as I said.
“Where to?” she sighed.
“Take the one-oh-one north” I said and she complied again. She looked slightly nervous driving with me at her side, but I found it rather enjoyable to be able to look at her without having to concentrate on the road, the little of my attention it took me to drive. It was amazing to be able to concentrate on her and on her alone. I was right to spend the night in her room, her smell didn’t bother me so much now. My throat ached with the usual intensity, her smell - all cleared of the drugs - was sweeter than ever, but I found that I could ignore it pretty well now and that pleased me.
“Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?” I teased her, she was driving even slower than usual.
“This truck is old enough to be your car’s grandfather - have some respect” she answered her eyes flashing. It delighted me to see the spark in them. It was mostly bravado on her part, she disguised her nerves with it, I could relate to that. I was rather nervous myself. Under the highly justified anxiety that I felt for her well-being, there was an unfamiliar nervous feeling, an excited, fearful hope of some kind. This was our first date, I realized abruptly. Cold feet, how very fitting for a vampire.
“Turn right on the one-ten” I instructed her when we finally made it out of the sleeping town. She obeyed without a word.
“Now we drive until the pavement ends” I added, I couldn’t repress a smile. She didn’t turn to look at me, clutching at the wheel with both hands.
“And what’s there, at the pavement’s end?” she asked after a few seconds’ silence.
“A trail” I answered mysteriously.
“We’re hiking?” she asked, worry creased her forehead. I almost burst out laughing at her chagrined face. She had trouble walking on a perfectly flat surface without tripping over her own feet, I was sure she would cringe at the idea of a walk in the woods. But I won’t let anything happening to her as long as she was with me. I willed that to be true.
“Is that a problem?” I asked, still entertained.
“No” her voice was confident. Or at least she was aiming for that.
“Don’t worry, it’s only five miles or so, and we’re in no hurry.” I tried to reassure her. It didn’t lighten her expression though. Was that really what she was worrying about? There was so much she could worry of… this was the least of her problems today.
“What are you thinking?” I burst out impatiently, I couldn’t contain the curiosity that burned me almost as much as my thirst.
“Just wondering where we’re going.” She said tranquilly. It wasn’t quite true, I guessed, but I answered her nonetheless.
“It’s a place I like to go when the weather is nice” I looked out at the thinning clouds, she peeked out as well.
“Charlie said it would be warm today” she said after a pause. So calm. She can’t be that calm. I tried a different way to make sense of her thoughts.
“And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?” I asked hopefully.
“Nope” she answered. I narrowed my eyes with suspicion. She surely told someone that she was with me today.
“But Jessica thinks we’re going to Seattle together?” I remembered her petty friend. Jessica must know and she is a terrible gossip… everybody would know in one day that I was the last one that Bella was with.
“No, I told her you canceled on me - which is true” she said with a small smile.
“No one knows you’re with me?” I burst out angrily. Why does she make my job so much harder every single time? She knew about the danger, she took it seriously, I was sure of it. So why didn’t she do anything to save herself?
“That depends… I assume you told Alice?” she answered with a shrug.
“That’s very helpful, Bella” I snapped. She didn’t give me any answer.
“Are you so depressed by Forks that it’s made you suicidal?” I asked desperately. She must want to live for God’s sake!
“You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly” she said with such an unnatural calm that it made me wonder about her sanity again.
“So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me - if you don’t come home?” I asked sarcastically, but anger was blurring my sight.
She nodded without looking away from the road. How can anyone be so infuriatingly selfless? Bella was a danger to herself, she shouldn’t be allowed to walk around freely. We sat in silence for the rest of the drive, I pressed my lips together to avoid shouting my disapproval, she was silent too. I watched her drive and fought my despair anew. I will save her from herself. From me. From everybody! There must be a way.
She parked the truck at the end of the trail. We both stepped out of the car, the weather was almost clear now and it was really warm. It made me happy because that must make her happy. She removed her sweater tying it around her waist and I did the same although it did little to my comfort or discomfort. My body always adapted to the temperature of my surroundings. She avoided looking at me, I saw her bare arms in my peripheral vision and I thought it better not to look at her either just now. It was too overwhelming to see the alabaster arms exposed like that, her skin so invitingly silky and warm…
“This way” I said to distract myself from forbidden thoughts, looking into the forest.
“The trail?” she asked panic-stricken as she ran to catch up with me.
“I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it” the amusement colored my mood to lighter shades.
“No trail?” she asked desperately.
“I won’t let you get lost.” I turned back to her with a smile on my lips. She stared at my chest for a second - I wore my shirt unbuttoned - a barely audible gasp escaping her. There was so much pain in her face that it stiffened me too. What did I do to make her hurt like that? I didn’t understand. Was it my whiteness, the hardness of my skin that repulsed her? Pure torment ran through me at the thought, but her happiness was more important than my own.
“Do you want to go home?” I asked quietly, couldn’t help my pain slipping into my words.
“No” she said eagerly, walking toward me until she was close at my side. Her expression was anxious but I saw no revulsion there.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as gently as I could.
“I’m not a good hiker” she answered frowning. “You’ll have to be very patient” she said, displeasure sneaking into her tone. She didn’t like to show weakness, I knew that. This was not her element, I wished so hard to believe that it was all that bothered her.
“I can be patient - if I make a great effort” I smiled, looking into her chocolate eyes, wishing to read her chagrin there. She answered me with a half smile but it was unconvincing, sadness still lingered on the corner of her lips. What was she thinking? Maybe the gravity of the situation finally got to her, maybe she understood.
“I’ll take you home.” I vowed to her. I won’t let anything happening to you Bella! In this very moment I believed that it was true.
“If you want me to hike five miles through the jungle before sundown, you’d better start leading the way” she said, her voice hard. She looked relieved for some reason, and it seemed that I would go mad soon trying to decipher the boggling ways her mind worked.
I gave up shortly and walked into the forest. Our procession was slow, but I never expected anything different and it was surprisingly good just walking by her side in the lonely forest. I tried to make it easy for her, clearing any trickery root or slippery moss from her path. She looked gratified by that and any small thing I could do for making her life easier made me happy.
Every once in a while a bigger obstacle blocked our way and I was impossibly grateful for the excuse to touch her. I helped her, lifting her by the elbow and every single time her heartbeat stuttered frantically. Just a few days ago I would have swore that it was because she was attracted to me, but not today. She avoided looking at me most of the time, it made me anxious. The only explanation that I could think of was that I scared her, so I snatched back my hand quickly each time so the coldness of my skin wouldn’t upset her more. I felt like an impostor, like a thief robbing these precious seconds when I could touch her: it was an amazing experience. My hand ached to touch her again and again and I had to keep it to my side by force, otherwise it would have wandered on its own to find the silky warmth of her skin again. She was quiet and tranquil, but I caught another agonized gaze of hers once or twice, and it sent a pang of unease through me. Was I going to lose her soon? I had prayed for her to leave me again and again, wanting her to be safe. Now it seemed that she was shifting away from me and I thought I would die if she left me. I couldn’t take my eyes off her face, her slender form, showing more clearly than ever through the thin white blouse… Watching, taking it all in while I could. How I ached to be human! I would have given anything, anything at all to be what she needed.
I asked her a question now and then, just to hear her voice, just to have that memorized too for later times… when I wouldn’t have her with me anymore. I asked her about childhood pets, she admitted that after killing three fish in a row she gave up on the whole idea. I could imagine that, it made me laugh out loud. She was so candid about it, like about everything else. So honest and good, she deserved so much better than an obsessed vampire. I tried to hide my despair from her, walking casually by her side through the green maze.
We’ve been in the forest for a few hours already when the sun came out from behind the clouds. The dark olive light that came through the foliage turned to a light jade and her mood lit up almost palpably as well. She looked at me excitedly
“Are we there yet?” I had to smile a relieved smile seeing her eager expression. She was teasing me with a fake scowl.
“Nearly. Do you see the brightness ahead?” Maybe it was still too far for her human eyes.
“Um, should I?” she peered ahead.
“Maybe it’s a bit soon for your eyes” I teased her, expecting a retort.
“Time to visit the optometrist” she muttered indignantly, and my grin stretched wider.
After a hundred yards however she noticed the yellow patch of light, she quickened her pace and I let her lead. I watched her step with more care though, her eagerness seemed to have made her oblivious of the uneven path.
Soon we reached the edge of the meadow and she proceeded out into the sun. She looked around so charmed by the beauty of the place - we came at the best possible time because a wide variety of wildflowers were in bloom in the perfectly round meadow, it was truly magical. Only, this day all its beauty was lost on me because all I could see was the most beautiful girl, the one and only girl in the world walking forward into the light where I couldn’t follow her. She was so breathtaking, her hair shining with reddish lights and her pale skin taking a translucent glow in the sun. I stopped dead on the verge of the shadows, I couldn’t make my legs move forward. She looked so mesmerized, if she would turn around and see me in the sun, she would finally see me for the monster that I am and I would lose her forever. My hands tightened into hard fists as I imagined the excitement turning into horror on her expressive face.
She turned halfway, finally realizing that I wasn’t behind her. She spun around panicked and searched until she saw me in the shadows. Only then she seemed to remember why we were there. She tilted her head to the side, curiosity opening her eyes wider; she took one step in my direction and beckoned me with her hand. I watched her cautiously, her open curiosity, her warm, inviting smile finally breaking through my fear. She made one more step in my direction encouragingly, I sighed deeply, braced myself and I stepped forward into the blinding sunlight.
(continued)
Part 2
“I know, we are going back” Alice said looking at me sure of herself, as usual. I smiled at her but didn’t move yet. I was lucky she was with me, agreeing to this last minute hunt.
“Thank you Alice!” She made a face but I ignored it. “I mean it. Your support means so much to me. I feel…” I hesitated searching for the right word “safer knowing that you are on my side.”
She was silent for a minute, seeking the future with a crease on her forehead. She meant what she said earlier, she loved Bella and she was concerned for her. Shame burnt me, because even if I was ten thousand times more worried than she was, it didn’t stop me to put her in mortal danger.
“Everything depends on you, Edward” she sighed. The twin futures were clear in her head as ever. I cringed at the mental pictures, it was hard to accept that there was still a possibility of that to happen, me killing Bella. “I think…” she turned to look me in the eyes more seriously than I ever seen her “I think that tomorrow will be sort of a turning point. One future will cease to exist starting from tomorrow” she said. Which one? I couldn’t utter the words. My jaw was so clenched that no whisper came out, but she understood the message of my burning eyes.
“I don’t know. But… I just know that it’s going to be fine” a small smile emerged on the corner of her lips. It was not a vision this time, she had faith in me just like Esme and Carlisle. I wished so hard to deserve that faith… but how could I? Wasn’t I planning to make an already hard situation a lot worse? But I couldn’t stay away, it wasn’t possible. Bella pulled me toward herself with an irresistible force and I felt helpless against it. I wasn’t strong enough to leave her alone. I watched the flickering pictures in Alice’s head, she was concentrating on one side of the future, the happier side where I was strong enough to leave her alive. The images changed so quickly that I couldn’t make them out, just a flicker here and there. Me, twinkling in the sunlight. Bella, sleeping tranquilly in a huge bed. Feathers falling.
“What was that?” I asked distracted by the perplexing picture.
“I don’t know” she shrugged. “But I think it’s… something happy” she said. Something happy? What on earth could that be? What happy future could I hope for? What I registered was the hope that came from Alice’s visions. There was a future out there where Bella was safe. If I was strong enough. Was I?
“Alice… would you…” I started but she knew what I was going to ask. My anxiety was flowing out through my every pore.
“I will watch out. I promise. I will be there at any sign of danger. I’ll come with you if that makes you feel better” she laughed a tinkling laugh.
“No, I’d rather you don’t.” I smiled a little. “But I’m counting on you, Alice.” It did make me feel a little bit better that someone else was watching out for her too. In case I wasn’t up to it. But I have to be! I will be.
We were running back to Forks already, I was eager to be at her side. In the last few days I’ve been spending a lot of my time with Bella and to be apart made me uneasy. I ached to see her, to be near her. The longer I stayed with her, the stronger her pull was for me. It felt as if the world wasn’t whole unless she was there with me. It was worse than any addiction, the more I had, the more I craved her company. Alice turned her steps toward her house, she knew that I wasn’t going home.
“You were going to go see her, weren’t you?” she asked more out of courtesy. There was no doubt in her mind.
“It helps when I’m around her more. I get used to her smell and it’s easier to ignore.”
“You should take whatever measure you can” she nodded seriously. We were at her house already. “See you back at home” she added and she was out of my sight.
“See you” I answered to the empty darkness.
I climbed through the window that was too familiar to me already. I sighed as I slid the pane in silence. I should feel remorse over my sneaking behind her back, but all I felt was relief, sweet, amazing relief at seeing her safe in her room. Bella was sleeping soundly, without moving or talking this time. I sat in my usual spot, inhaling her smell waiting for the familiar burn in my throat. It came alright, aching a bit more than the last time due to the absence. But also, there was something odd about her smell tonight. A bitter undertone to it, and I realized quickly what it was: drugs. She took medicine, was she ill? I studied her face worry tightening my stomach, but she looked healthy to me. She was a bit more quiet in her sleep than usual, but otherwise she looked normal, or rather more than that. The roses of her cheeks, her shiny hair spread all over her pillow, her quiet breathing, even her body temperature added to the picture of health itself. The only thing that was out of the ordinary was her tranquil sleep, she looked like she wasn’t even dreaming. I thought that having our plans for tomorrow she would be agitated… and then I understood. She took the pills to calm herself! I couldn’t be sure of course, I could never be sure of anything regarding Bella, but it was a reasonable supposition, and it clarified a very important thing about her. If she used medicine to squash it then it was no ordinary anxiety that she felt: Bella wasn’t oblivious to the danger she was in through being with me. She knew fare well what she was getting herself into, she ignored it in good faith. She wasn’t crazy, she was just brave… and she cared for me more than I deserved. Shame, worry, despair warred with happiness as I watched her sleep. She wanted to be with me as I wanted to be with her. Despite everything. It was mind-boggling, it was incomprehensible. A resolve, stronger than ever before settled through me: I was going to be safe for her. I was going to be as human as I possibly can. I could do it. Carlisle, Esme, even Alice thought that I was capable. I just had to find a way.
I sat there in her rocking chair all night long, breathing and burning, controlling my urges, dominating them. The first faint light of dawn pulled me out of my concentration, I climbed out her window and went home to change. I was eager to be back by her side, so I ran as fast as I could.
Alice was sitting on the porch, that had me worried at first, I thought that she saw something bad. But I noticed the cheerful line of her thoughts and her smile reassured me.
“Something happened” she said, but her tone wasn’t alarming. “I’m almost positive that everything is going to be fine” she said, looking at me curiously. As I didn’t reply anything, she grew impatient. “So what happened?”
“Just… Bella.” I said smiling. Alice nodded as if that clarified everything. I tousled her hair, she wrinkled her nose.
I ran up to my room and changed quickly. When I walked out, Esme was waiting for me on the top of the stairs. She hugged me without words. She was slightly worried, but mostly, she was happy. Good luck, Edward! she thought. There wasn’t any doubt in her mind that everything would work out fine. She couldn’t imagine me doing something that horrifying. I sighed, wishing she was right in believing in me.
“Thank you, mom” I whispered. Rosalie was sitting on the living room sofa, she rolled her eyes indignantly when she saw us up there. Encourage him! Like it wasn’t dangerous to all of us! She grumbled inside. But she didn’t say anything out loud. I tried to ignore her, but her thoughts were burning my insides. As much as I resented it, Rosalie was perfectly right. I risked everything, not just Bella’s life and my own peace of mind. I risked everything, the whole life that we built in the last century. I pulled myself out of Esme’s embrace and flitted down the stairs, out of the door. Alice was still outside.
I know, I know. At any sign of danger… she thought. I looked at her intently for a long moment, and then I started running toward Bella. No, there was nothing that could have stopped me. No worry, no warning, no logic, no common sense.
I waited outside the house for a few minutes. Charlie was already gone and I listened to Bella move about the house, counting her heartbeat. She moved erratically, perhaps she was nervous again. How nervous? Was she frightened? Would she bail? I knew that it would be the best thing for her: to think better of it and run, but even the thought of it sent me on a spiraling way of despair. I couldn’t have bared that now! What would I do? Could I leave her alone if she asked me that? That would be the right thing to do, but how could I make myself do that? She finished brushing her teeth and she was walking down the stairs, so I thought it was time. I knocked softly on the door and listened how her heartbeat burst into a frenzied gallop. My breathing stopped while I waited for her to open the door.
She had a slight trouble with the lock, but finally she pulled it open and I watched as the anxiety on her face dissolved and a warm expression took its place. She sighed in relief, my worries, the selfish ones were gone. She didn’t change her mind. I took in her image, her soft lines, I drank up the eager expression of her beautiful face, it was an incredible relief to look into her eyes. Then a small chuckle escaped me when I saw that we were dressed alike.
“Good morning” I said, easing up finally.
“What’s wrong?” she looked over herself making a quick inventory.
“We match” I said still chuckling. I realized that I unconsciously dressed to fit her clothing that was laid out in her room last night. I concentrated so hard on being more like her, I took it too literally it seemed. She smiled back, but there was a hint of reluctance in her smile that I didn’t understand. What was it that bothered her? One more mystery to add to the mountain of mysteries that never seemed to lessen no matter how much time I spent with her.
She locked the door while I waited by her truck eying the vehicle with a disgusted look. Why did she have to insist on driving that ancient piece of junk?
“We made a deal” she said with a smug expression on her face. She climbed into the driver’s seat and reached over to open the door for me.
“Where to?” she asked a little too eagerly to sound natural.
“Put you seat belt on - I’m nervous already” I said half amused, half serious. She looked at me darkly, but she did as I said.
“Where to?” she sighed.
“Take the one-oh-one north” I said and she complied again. She looked slightly nervous driving with me at her side, but I found it rather enjoyable to be able to look at her without having to concentrate on the road, the little of my attention it took me to drive. It was amazing to be able to concentrate on her and on her alone. I was right to spend the night in her room, her smell didn’t bother me so much now. My throat ached with the usual intensity, her smell - all cleared of the drugs - was sweeter than ever, but I found that I could ignore it pretty well now and that pleased me.
“Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?” I teased her, she was driving even slower than usual.
“This truck is old enough to be your car’s grandfather - have some respect” she answered her eyes flashing. It delighted me to see the spark in them. It was mostly bravado on her part, she disguised her nerves with it, I could relate to that. I was rather nervous myself. Under the highly justified anxiety that I felt for her well-being, there was an unfamiliar nervous feeling, an excited, fearful hope of some kind. This was our first date, I realized abruptly. Cold feet, how very fitting for a vampire.
“Turn right on the one-ten” I instructed her when we finally made it out of the sleeping town. She obeyed without a word.
“Now we drive until the pavement ends” I added, I couldn’t repress a smile. She didn’t turn to look at me, clutching at the wheel with both hands.
“And what’s there, at the pavement’s end?” she asked after a few seconds’ silence.
“A trail” I answered mysteriously.
“We’re hiking?” she asked, worry creased her forehead. I almost burst out laughing at her chagrined face. She had trouble walking on a perfectly flat surface without tripping over her own feet, I was sure she would cringe at the idea of a walk in the woods. But I won’t let anything happening to her as long as she was with me. I willed that to be true.
“Is that a problem?” I asked, still entertained.
“No” her voice was confident. Or at least she was aiming for that.
“Don’t worry, it’s only five miles or so, and we’re in no hurry.” I tried to reassure her. It didn’t lighten her expression though. Was that really what she was worrying about? There was so much she could worry of… this was the least of her problems today.
“What are you thinking?” I burst out impatiently, I couldn’t contain the curiosity that burned me almost as much as my thirst.
“Just wondering where we’re going.” She said tranquilly. It wasn’t quite true, I guessed, but I answered her nonetheless.
“It’s a place I like to go when the weather is nice” I looked out at the thinning clouds, she peeked out as well.
“Charlie said it would be warm today” she said after a pause. So calm. She can’t be that calm. I tried a different way to make sense of her thoughts.
“And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?” I asked hopefully.
“Nope” she answered. I narrowed my eyes with suspicion. She surely told someone that she was with me today.
“But Jessica thinks we’re going to Seattle together?” I remembered her petty friend. Jessica must know and she is a terrible gossip… everybody would know in one day that I was the last one that Bella was with.
“No, I told her you canceled on me - which is true” she said with a small smile.
“No one knows you’re with me?” I burst out angrily. Why does she make my job so much harder every single time? She knew about the danger, she took it seriously, I was sure of it. So why didn’t she do anything to save herself?
“That depends… I assume you told Alice?” she answered with a shrug.
“That’s very helpful, Bella” I snapped. She didn’t give me any answer.
“Are you so depressed by Forks that it’s made you suicidal?” I asked desperately. She must want to live for God’s sake!
“You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly” she said with such an unnatural calm that it made me wonder about her sanity again.
“So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me - if you don’t come home?” I asked sarcastically, but anger was blurring my sight.
She nodded without looking away from the road. How can anyone be so infuriatingly selfless? Bella was a danger to herself, she shouldn’t be allowed to walk around freely. We sat in silence for the rest of the drive, I pressed my lips together to avoid shouting my disapproval, she was silent too. I watched her drive and fought my despair anew. I will save her from herself. From me. From everybody! There must be a way.
She parked the truck at the end of the trail. We both stepped out of the car, the weather was almost clear now and it was really warm. It made me happy because that must make her happy. She removed her sweater tying it around her waist and I did the same although it did little to my comfort or discomfort. My body always adapted to the temperature of my surroundings. She avoided looking at me, I saw her bare arms in my peripheral vision and I thought it better not to look at her either just now. It was too overwhelming to see the alabaster arms exposed like that, her skin so invitingly silky and warm…
“This way” I said to distract myself from forbidden thoughts, looking into the forest.
“The trail?” she asked panic-stricken as she ran to catch up with me.
“I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it” the amusement colored my mood to lighter shades.
“No trail?” she asked desperately.
“I won’t let you get lost.” I turned back to her with a smile on my lips. She stared at my chest for a second - I wore my shirt unbuttoned - a barely audible gasp escaping her. There was so much pain in her face that it stiffened me too. What did I do to make her hurt like that? I didn’t understand. Was it my whiteness, the hardness of my skin that repulsed her? Pure torment ran through me at the thought, but her happiness was more important than my own.
“Do you want to go home?” I asked quietly, couldn’t help my pain slipping into my words.
“No” she said eagerly, walking toward me until she was close at my side. Her expression was anxious but I saw no revulsion there.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as gently as I could.
“I’m not a good hiker” she answered frowning. “You’ll have to be very patient” she said, displeasure sneaking into her tone. She didn’t like to show weakness, I knew that. This was not her element, I wished so hard to believe that it was all that bothered her.
“I can be patient - if I make a great effort” I smiled, looking into her chocolate eyes, wishing to read her chagrin there. She answered me with a half smile but it was unconvincing, sadness still lingered on the corner of her lips. What was she thinking? Maybe the gravity of the situation finally got to her, maybe she understood.
“I’ll take you home.” I vowed to her. I won’t let anything happening to you Bella! In this very moment I believed that it was true.
“If you want me to hike five miles through the jungle before sundown, you’d better start leading the way” she said, her voice hard. She looked relieved for some reason, and it seemed that I would go mad soon trying to decipher the boggling ways her mind worked.
I gave up shortly and walked into the forest. Our procession was slow, but I never expected anything different and it was surprisingly good just walking by her side in the lonely forest. I tried to make it easy for her, clearing any trickery root or slippery moss from her path. She looked gratified by that and any small thing I could do for making her life easier made me happy.
Every once in a while a bigger obstacle blocked our way and I was impossibly grateful for the excuse to touch her. I helped her, lifting her by the elbow and every single time her heartbeat stuttered frantically. Just a few days ago I would have swore that it was because she was attracted to me, but not today. She avoided looking at me most of the time, it made me anxious. The only explanation that I could think of was that I scared her, so I snatched back my hand quickly each time so the coldness of my skin wouldn’t upset her more. I felt like an impostor, like a thief robbing these precious seconds when I could touch her: it was an amazing experience. My hand ached to touch her again and again and I had to keep it to my side by force, otherwise it would have wandered on its own to find the silky warmth of her skin again. She was quiet and tranquil, but I caught another agonized gaze of hers once or twice, and it sent a pang of unease through me. Was I going to lose her soon? I had prayed for her to leave me again and again, wanting her to be safe. Now it seemed that she was shifting away from me and I thought I would die if she left me. I couldn’t take my eyes off her face, her slender form, showing more clearly than ever through the thin white blouse… Watching, taking it all in while I could. How I ached to be human! I would have given anything, anything at all to be what she needed.
I asked her a question now and then, just to hear her voice, just to have that memorized too for later times… when I wouldn’t have her with me anymore. I asked her about childhood pets, she admitted that after killing three fish in a row she gave up on the whole idea. I could imagine that, it made me laugh out loud. She was so candid about it, like about everything else. So honest and good, she deserved so much better than an obsessed vampire. I tried to hide my despair from her, walking casually by her side through the green maze.
We’ve been in the forest for a few hours already when the sun came out from behind the clouds. The dark olive light that came through the foliage turned to a light jade and her mood lit up almost palpably as well. She looked at me excitedly
“Are we there yet?” I had to smile a relieved smile seeing her eager expression. She was teasing me with a fake scowl.
“Nearly. Do you see the brightness ahead?” Maybe it was still too far for her human eyes.
“Um, should I?” she peered ahead.
“Maybe it’s a bit soon for your eyes” I teased her, expecting a retort.
“Time to visit the optometrist” she muttered indignantly, and my grin stretched wider.
After a hundred yards however she noticed the yellow patch of light, she quickened her pace and I let her lead. I watched her step with more care though, her eagerness seemed to have made her oblivious of the uneven path.
Soon we reached the edge of the meadow and she proceeded out into the sun. She looked around so charmed by the beauty of the place - we came at the best possible time because a wide variety of wildflowers were in bloom in the perfectly round meadow, it was truly magical. Only, this day all its beauty was lost on me because all I could see was the most beautiful girl, the one and only girl in the world walking forward into the light where I couldn’t follow her. She was so breathtaking, her hair shining with reddish lights and her pale skin taking a translucent glow in the sun. I stopped dead on the verge of the shadows, I couldn’t make my legs move forward. She looked so mesmerized, if she would turn around and see me in the sun, she would finally see me for the monster that I am and I would lose her forever. My hands tightened into hard fists as I imagined the excitement turning into horror on her expressive face.
She turned halfway, finally realizing that I wasn’t behind her. She spun around panicked and searched until she saw me in the shadows. Only then she seemed to remember why we were there. She tilted her head to the side, curiosity opening her eyes wider; she took one step in my direction and beckoned me with her hand. I watched her cautiously, her open curiosity, her warm, inviting smile finally breaking through my fear. She made one more step in my direction encouragingly, I sighed deeply, braced myself and I stepped forward into the blinding sunlight.
(continued)
Part 2