Lights Will Guide You Home, Ch. 14/?
Media: Fic
Title: Lights Will Guide You Home
Rating: R
Spoilers (if any): nada
Warnings (if any): lots of language in this one, and non-Klaine angst
Word Count: 5400
Summary: 13 years from now, Blaine and Kurt have made a fabulous life for themselves, but there's something missing...
A/N: This chapter is super Warbler-centric. (Well. Just Jeff/Nick-centric, but ya know. They're Warblers.) I really like the direction this is headed ... I hope everybody else does too!
Lights Will Guide You Home
Chapter 14
“Blaine? Kurt? Come on in.” Warren greeted them warmly, and they got up from their chairs in the waiting room and walked into his office.
Warren looked to be in his mid-50's, scholarly but approachable in appearance. His hair was graying, and he wore glasses and had a strong affinity for sweater vests. He had a kind, soft voice, more like a favorite teacher than a clinical psychologist. His office was surprisingly comfortable and inviting, decorated in muted blues and greens and grays, and looked more like a large living room than anything. A coffee table sat in the center of the room, and around it sat a large, squishy couch (this was where Blaine and Kurt usually chose to sit), two recliners side-by-side, and Warren's own big easy chair. A gas fireplace sat on the wall opposite the couch for the cold winter months. On the walls hung lovely artwork, mostly abstract pieces. Blaine and Kurt were comfortable there - they were wary when they first went, neither having experienced a counseling session before, but they warmed to Warren immediately and their fears were soon erased.
“So tell me about your trip to France,” Warren began when they'd settled onto the couch.
“It was fantastic,” Kurt gushed. “I have never had a vacation that amazing in my life.”
“Seriously, he's not exaggerating,” Blaine continued. “I mean, honestly, two weeks of perfection. That's what our trip was. Thank you so much for making us go.”
“...Well, it wasn't exactly like he had to force us...” Kurt smirked at Blaine.
Warren smiled at them. “I'm glad you had a good time. Was there anything in particular during the trip that you really loved, or anything that really stuck out to you?”
They looked at each other. “Well … I think the first part, at the spa, really chilled us both out. I mean, getting rubbed on with grapes for four solid days, being waited on hand and foot - it was pretty nice,” Kurt started.
Warren nodded, waiting for them to continue.
“Oh, and I sang to Blaine, publicly, for the first time - not counting competitions, obviously.”
“Really? How was that?”
“It was the most amazing thing I've ever been a part of,” Blaine said, taking Kurt's hand. He told Warren about the drunk guy, how angry they got, but how well they handled it, and how Kurt took him to a fountain and sang to him and kissed him in front of an audience.
Warren smiled happily, proud of the progress he'd seen in the last several months. “How was it for you, Kurt?”
“The kiss? Or the singing?”
Warren chuckled. “Either, or both.”
“Well. The singing was … really, surprisingly great, actually. It's been years since I've performed in public. Usually Blaine's the one who's doing random impromptu performances, but it just seemed right at the time. It was one of those moments, you know, when I was so proud that he's mine, I just had to let everybody know. I don't know if we've talked about this or not, but Blaine and I sort of have our own musical language. It sounds so ridiculously corny to say out loud like that, but that's the way it's always been for us - singing to each other has become sort of a truer, better way of speaking. It's more visceral, like, the most honest form of communication there is. And, it's sort of fun, living life as if you're in a musical, being able to break into random bursts of song.”
Warren laughed again. “This is why I love the two of you. I wish I could see a recording of that moment...” He paused, thinking about what it would look like, how sweet they always were together, and how much sweeter it would be when they were singing to each other. “And the kiss?”
They both broke into wide grins at the memory of that.
“The kiss was phenomenal, as Blaine's kisses always are, but … Warren, people were cheering. I've never experienced anything like that before, ever. We kiss in front of our friends all the time and it's never a big deal, but those people didn't know us. It was so surreal, to go from being picked up by my coat collar to being totally just … lauded … for kissing my partner, in a matter of about an hour.” Kurt's eyes were starting to get misty.
“It sort of restored my faith in people. Reminded me that the whole world isn't full of hate,” Blaine said simply.
Warren looked at them sincerely. “I am so, so glad that you had that experience. I wish I'd been there too, so I could have cheered along with the rest of the crowd. It sounds like a scene straight out of a romantic comedy.”
“It felt like one, too. Kurt is really good at romance, always has been, but he's never swept me off my feet in quite so public a manner before. It was perfect. I just - I felt so in love with him, you know?” Blaine was gushing unabashedly at that point, and Kurt smiled at him and scooted closer, curling his feet up onto the couch and leaning into him.
“So regarding your relationship, do you think anything changed during this trip? The way you relate to each other, the way you communicate?”
They pondered this. “I don't know that it actually changed anything about the way we relate to each other,” Blaine began, “but it was nice, because we were able to focus completely on each other the whole time. We could meet each other's needs like we haven't been able to in a long time, just because there weren't any other outward distractions demanding our attention.”
“Which was precisely the point of taking the trip,” Warren said, pleased with Blaine's answer. “What needs did you feel that you met for each other?”
“Um, well … I'll just go ahead and cut to the chase, and say that we had a whole lot of really good sex,” Kurt said, a little rushed. Both his and Blaine's cheeks flushed rosy pink at the memories.
Warren chuckled again. “Okay, good. You needed that. What about emotionally? Anything that stuck out in that aspect?”
Blaine fielded this question. “We talked so much. I felt like we were in the earlier stages of our relationship we were talking so much - when we first met, we would talk for literally hours on end. After a while, it sort of faded a little bit, and we got in this settled routine of our lives, and then everything with Violet happened and we stopped talking entirely. We've been doing really well overall on our communication skills - we're both working on that in our individual sessions as well as when we meet with you - but it was so easy on this trip. It just flowed, it was so natural and organic and we stayed up way too late just talking to each other almost every night of the whole trip.”
“Excellent. I'm glad it's starting to come more and more naturally - that's a sign of healthiness in a relationship. I know it's hard, at first, when things are forced, but you two never seemed to mind that much. I appreciate your willingness to work with me and the sometimes-silly demands that I asked of both of you. Now. What about conflict resolution? How's that going?”
“Honestly? Really well. I'm trying to be less snarky when I'm upset and more forthcoming with what is actually wrong, so Blaine doesn't have to guess,” Kurt said.
Blaine nodded. “And we're both trying not to take things personally. We've been trying what you suggested, saying 'pause,' separating for ten minutes to cool off, and then coming back together to talk calmly about things. Really, we haven't had much conflict in the past month or so - there have been a few things, but it's just so much easier to deal with now. Kurt's getting sleep, and I have more energy, and we both feel really good, and that makes things so much better.”
Warren nodded, a smile spreading across his face. “Wonderful. I know you never thought I'd say this, but I feel completely confident in releasing the two of you from my care. You've made fantastic progress, and Kurt, you're weaning off your meds, and I feel one hundred percent certain that you can handle the rest from here.”
He wasn't expecting the looks of shock and horror on the couple's faces.
“No!”
“You can't!”
“Not yet! We're not ready!”
Warren eyed them carefully. “Why don't you think you're ready for this?” he asked, a little confused.
“That's what we wanted to talk to you about today,” Kurt said, now extremely anxious. “We can't make a decision like this without talking to you about it first ...”
“Okay, Kurt, calm down. It's okay. I'm not kicking you out … if there are more issues that I don't know about, we can talk about that and work through them. Maybe I was a bit premature in my assessment...”
Blaine grasped Kurt's hand in his. “We want to try to adopt a baby again. I think - I hope - we're ready to try again...”
A look of realization washed over Warren's face. “Oh. Oh, of course we can talk about that.”
The couple sank back into the couch, looking relieved.
“Okay, I think it's wonderful, but obviously you're both a little edgy about this decision...”
“You could say that, yes.” Blaine was still clutching Kurt's hand.
“Tell me what you're nervous about.”
“We don't want the same thing to happen to us again,” Kurt said. “It nearly killed us both the first time - I honestly don't know if we could survive another disaster like that.”
Warren nodded his head. “That's a completely valid fear. Any other concerns?”
“I just want to make sure we're really ready for it. That we're emotionally stable enough to take on the job of parenting a child - it's such a huge deal. We were nervous the first time around, but after having so many issues...” Blaine trailed off.
“What else?”
They looked at each other. “I don't know if there is anything else,” Kurt said hesitantly. “We're both really excited about the idea - I miss being a dad so much, and so does Blaine. I think deep down we always knew we would want this again. We're just scared.”
“It's completely normal to be afraid, particularly after what you've been through. But the fact that you can talk about it, the fact that you've decided that this is what you want indicates to me that you are ready to take this on again. I can't see any reason to discourage you from pursuing another adoption at this point.”
“We were thinking that we might ask specifically for babies whose parents have already relinquished custody,” Blaine said.
“I think that might be a good idea for you. Have you talked about the potential of adopting a special needs child? Or doing an overseas adoption?”
The couple looked at each other, then back at Warren. “We've talked about overseas, and decided against that unless we just can't do a domestic one - we feel that there are plenty of children in our own country here who need good, stable homes to go to,” Kurt said.
“But about the special needs issue … that really hasn't come up at all.” Blaine looked slightly worried.
“Well, it's definitely your decision, but it's probably something you need to think over and talk about. And have you given any thought to foster care?”
“We did talk about that briefly,” Kurt told him, “But then we decided against that, because so many of the kids end up going back to less-than-stellar homes with the families, and I really don't think we could take that.”
“It sounds like you've put a lot of thought and preparation into this,” Warren told them. “It's been, what, almost a year now since you guys had Violet with you? I think you've given it an appropriate amount of time, for sure. I give you my blessing. But, if you still want me to meet with you until you feel more prepared for this, I completely understand.”
Blaine nodded. “Yeah, I think we'd like that, at least for a few more months, just until we maybe get used to the idea again. We really appreciate everything you've done for us over the last six months, Warren.”
“It's my pleasure - you two are a wonderful couple to work with. I wish everyone had the determination and resolve that you put into your relationship.”
“Thank you. I think we both just know that what we have is too special to give up on,” Kurt said, looking lovingly at Blaine.
“We fit together like nobody else has ever fit together before,” he replied softly, repeating the mantra they'd used to describe their relationship since they were in college.
“Okay, now I am kicking you out,” Warren said with a laugh. “Nobody is allowed to be that sappy in the couple's therapy room … you're being too functional.”
They laughed and stood to leave.
“Seriously though, guys, I'm really happy for you. You can make your next appointment with Debbie out front, and I'll see you in a month.”
“Thanks Warren,” Kurt said. “We really do appreciate this.”
* * * * * * * *
“This one's for you, baby!” Blaine yelled over the blaring music and pumping bass, pointing straight at Kurt. He picked up the neon pink ball and swaggered down toward the lane. With what appeared to be a Michael Jackson-esque dance move, he sent the bowling ball hurtling toward the glowing pins, letting out a celebratory howl when they were all knocked over. He danced back over to Kurt.
“See? All for you,” he said proudly, planting a wet kiss on his partner's lips.
“Blaine, man, you're making us look bad,” Nick said, taking another swig of his beer. They were in a luxury bowling alley in Times Square, having decided to take Jeff out for a night of fun while he was visiting the city.
“Blaine is somewhat of a bowling enigma,” Kurt said drily, sipping his gin and tonic. “His score is, on average, about 30 points higher when he's been drinking. It's so unfair.”
“I can't help it that I'm awesome,” Blaine said, still dancing around. “Jeff, man, you're up.”
Jeff marched over with his bright green ball and smirked at Blaine.
“You think you're so awesome, let's see you do this.” He turned around backwards and rolled the ball between his legs. It wasn't going nearly as fast as Blaine's had, but it hit square in the center of the pins, and he got a strike.
“A strike with a backwards granny throw?? Now that, my friend, is talent,” Nick said, giving him a high five as he came back over to sit down.
For a fleeting second, Kurt saw a look of longing in Jeff's eyes as Nick smiled brightly at him, but it was gone as fast as it came.
“So what your statement should have been, Nick, is that Blaine and Jeff are just making us look bad...” Kurt flounced up and got his bowling ball, sighing. He was really not very good at this - there was something about his aim that was always off, the ball hitting too far to the left of the pins. His only consolation to losing this badly was that he looked really fierce while doing it.
The ball rolled down the lane, and four pins fell. He waited at the ball return, and after the neon yellow monstrosity popped back up into his hands, he went again. This time, he hit only two pins.
He went and sat down in Blaine's lap. “Eh. Not the worst I've ever done...”
Blaine happily nuzzled his face into Kurt's neck. “You know I don't care about your bowling game, babe.”
Kurt laughed. “Yes, my dear, I am aware … if you did, I'm afraid I would have lost you years ago. Now, where's my gin and tonic?”
Nick was up next, and having completely given up on any chance of winning (as he was really terrible at bowling), he was just out to have a good time. He was so thrilled with the fact that Jeff was talking to him again and had come to visit him in his new home, that he could have thrown gutter balls all night long and still would have been in a good mood.
“Okay guys, here comes the granny throw - are you ready for this action?”
“Fire away!” Jeff called. It was painfully obvious the way he stared at Nick's ass as he bent over to roll the ball between his legs, and Blaine nudged him.
“Hey. Careful there … you haven't even talked to him about it yet.” Jeff rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
Nick's granny throw managed to knock over one single pin in the right back corner, and he came strutting back down the lane to the loud beat of the music.
The rest of the game went similarly, with Jeff and Blaine neck-in-neck up until the very end, Blaine winning by a close margin of 3 points, Kurt coming in behind them, and Nick bringing up the rear with an embarrassingly low score, but doing it with humor and class.
“So I think Jeff and I are gonna head to the bar and catch up a little,” Nick said as they retrieved their shoes. “Do you guys want to join?”
“No, we've got a meeting with Karen tomorrow afternoon about adopting again,” Kurt said. “I know it's not that late, but we should probably get to bed, because I've got to go to the studio and get some work done in the morning.”
“No problem, man. We'll see you later. Call tomorrow and let us know how things go with your meeting.”
They exchanged hugs and went their separate ways. Kurt and Blaine headed back to their apartment, choosing the 45-minute walk over public transit because it was such a beautiful night.
“Well … I feel like this could go either really, really well or really, really badly,” Kurt said as they walked.
“I hate to say it, but I'm leaning more toward the really badly, considering the frame of mind that Jeff seemed to be in tonight,” Blaine replied.
“It also worries me that they're going to a bar. Not exactly the most appropriate place to tell your best friend of like eighteen years that oh, hey, by the way, I have an enormous gay crush on you, even though you're straight...”
Blaine laughed out loud at that. “Yeah. That's definitely going to be awkward. I'm glad that our appointment with Karen isn't until tomorrow afternoon, because I'm anticipating some late-night phone calls from one or both of them...”
Blaine was wrong. It was worse than a late-night phone call.
At two o'clock in the morning, both men startled awake to loud knocks on their door.
“Oh God, here we go,” Kurt groaned, dragging himself out of their bed. “Twenty bucks says it's Jeff.”
He padded down the hallway to the front door and opened it, and sure enough, Jeff was standing there, hood up, eyes red, face splotchy. He looked terrible.
Kurt sighed. “Come inside. You want some water? I don't know how much you had to drink tonight, but it looks like you're headed for a hangover.”
Jeff nodded, sniffling. “Yeah.” He wilted down onto the couch with his head in his hands as Blaine walked into the living room, pulling a t-shirt on.
“Okay, let's hear it. What went down in the bar?”
“Nothing went down in the bar. We talked. Caught up with each other, how things were going. I couldn't tell him, dammit, I just missed him so much, and I just wanted things to be how they'd always been...” He was crying, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. It wasn't working out so well.
“So … if you didn't tell him … what happened, then? What's wrong?” Kurt asked, confused.
Jeff laughed bitterly. “I said I didn't tell him at the bar - I haven't gotten to what happened once we got back to his house.” Blaine and Kurt shared a serious look but remained quiet, letting him continue.
“I was drunk. I'm still drunk. We both … well, between the bowling alley and the bar, we sort of had a lot … and we did shots right before we left the bar, too...” he offered, trying to explain.
“What happened, Jeff?”
“Well we got back to Nick's house, and he started talking about Angela. How she broke his heart, how he'd never be the same again - and he started fucking crying. He was just sitting there, sobbing, right there in front of me - do you know how that felt? It was tearing my fucking heart out. I had to say something, right?”
Jeff took several sips of water, and breathed in and out deeply.
“Okay. God, I can't believe this. So, he's crying, and I can't just sit there, so I went over to him and sat with him on the couch, and somehow my arm ended up around him. And he just sort of curled into me, in this little ball, and he was making these awful noises like a hurt kitten or something, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him I would always be there for him, whenever he needed me, and that I was sorry for being such an ass the last couple months, and he was just clinging to me like he didn't ever want to let go. He said he forgave me for everything, that he just missed me so goddamn much or something, I don't honestly remember what exactly he said because the next second I … I …”
Jeff stopped. Kurt and Blaine each placed a hand on his shoulders to comfort him, encourage him to go on.
“I kissed him.” It was such a soft whisper that the words were barely audible, but they heard him all the same.
“Oh, Jeff,” Kurt breathed, wrapping his arm around the broken man beside him. Jeff's shoulders were now shaking from the effort of trying not to go into a full breakdown, at least until he'd finished telling them what happened.
“What did he do?” Blaine's question was soft, concerned.
“At first he froze. Not that I blame him - it kind of snuck up on me too. I swear, I was not intending to do that. But then...” His voice dropped even lower. “Then he kissed me back.”
Two pairs of eyes widened at him, shocked.
“I felt like I was on fire, from the top of my head to the ends of my toes,” Jeff said. “It was … God, I don't even know how to describe it. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt in my life. Like, if you take the best kiss I'd ever had up until now, multiply that by twenty and raise it to the tenth power - that is how good that kiss was. It was like his lips had been branded onto mine or something. But then, just when I thought I was going to die from it, he stopped and pulled back with this horrified, scared look in his eyes. He told me he was sorry, that he couldn't, that he needed to fucking think, and I think my entire world began and ended in that moment.”
“Oh my God,” Kurt whispered, and gathered Jeff into a hug.
“What the hell do I do now?” he mumbled in to Kurt's shoulder.
“You don't do anything until you sober up,” Blaine said. “You need to stay here tonight … I'm pretty sure that Kurt's got some pajamas or shorts or something that you can wear to sleep in, and then we'll handle things tomorrow as they come.”
“Okay. Right. Thanks.” Jeff sighed. “How could I have been so stupid?”
“You were drunk. He was drunk. It's going to be okay, Jeff.”
He looked up at Kurt, panic filling his eyes. “How is it going to be okay, exactly? Because I'm not sure that this is something I can take back. I'm pretty fucking certain that I'm never going to forget how that kiss felt.”
“Okay, okay, calm down,” Blaine said, standing up with him and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Let's just … go back to bed. You need to sleep, and like I said, we can handle it in the morning. Or, probably more like afternoon, because I really think you're going to have a killer hangover.”
Kurt went to grab a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt for Jeff to wear, and Blaine gave him a blanket.
“Thank you,” he said. “I'm sorry I screwed your night up so badly.”
Blaine shook his head. “Don't worry about it, man. I just hope everything works out for the two of you.”
“Me too. I hope I haven't wrecked everything forever...” Kurt came back with the pajamas just then, and Jeff got changed and curled up in a ball on the couch with the blanket. He fell instantly into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Back in their bed, Kurt snuggled up against Blaine. “We'd better get some sleep while we can, love. I have a feeling that Nick will be calling first thing tomorrow morning.”
* * * * * * * *
Kurt was entirely correct, and at eight o'clock the next morning, as if an alarm had been set, his ringtone filled their quiet room with sound.
It was Nick, of course, begging them to meet him for coffee, sounding frantic.
Half an hour later, they were walking toward the coffee shop when Nick practically ran them down. He had a wild, manic look about him, his eyes were too wide and his lips parted as if he was constantly struggling to breathe.
“Nick, oh my God, you look-” Blaine didn't even get to finish his sentence before his friend cut him off.
“How did you know you were gay?” he demanded, shaking with exhaustion and fear and confusion.
“What?”
“How did you know you were gay??” he repeated, louder and with more emphasis.
“Umm … I sort of always knew … I guess I really figured it out when I was attracted physically to guys instead of girls?”
“Fuck. Fuck fuck fucking fuck that is not helpful, Blaine!”
“Okay, whoa, calm down,” Kurt said.
“How am I supposed to fucking calm down right now???”
“Nick. Chill. Out. We're going to go inside, and we're going to get coffee, and we're all going to sit down and drink it and talk like normal, civilized adults, okay?” Blaine was attempting to talk some sense into him. It clearly wasn't working.
“Okay, new game plan,” Kurt said. “Nick, you and I are gonna go sit on that bench over there, and Blaine's gonna go inside and buy our coffee and come back, and then you can light into us about whatever you want. Does that sound alright to you?”
“Shit. Shit shit shit, whatever, yeah, that sounds fine.”
They had never seen him so worked up over anything before. Ten minutes and quite a few strings of expletives later, they were all seated on the bench, and Blaine and Kurt were trying to get Nick to put together coherent thoughts.
“Okay, we basically know what happened. You were both drunk, you were upset, Jeff was trying to comfort you, and then he kissed you, and then you kissed him back, and then you pulled away and said you couldn't do it. Is that accurate?” Kurt summarized.
“Yeah, but you're missing some really fucking huge details in there.”
“Such as?”
“Such as the fact that I have never in my whole goddamn life felt anything like that. It was … Jesus, it was like I was being burned up from the inside out, but it was the best fucking feeling, and I don't think Angela ever turned me on like that, ever, and … shit. Shit!”
“Okay, slow down. You were drunk. That can make things … fuzzy. Believe me, I know from personal experience...” Blaine tried to reassure him.
“Well how the hell did you figure out if it was real or if it was the alcohol?”
His voice grew quiet. “She kissed me sober. I didn't feel anything.”
“How the fuck do you think I'm gonna manage that? Just march up to Jeff and be like, 'Hey, let's suck face and see if the world is going to implode again?' God, I am so fucking confused!” Nick exploded. “After I pretty much kicked Jeff out last night, I started freaking. Like, seriously flipping out. I watched porn for three hours - and nothing had changed. Girls - boobs in particular - still totally fucking get me off. I tried watching gay porn? Nothing. Nothing at all. But God, that kiss - maybe it was just the alcohol. But then …” Nick's face flushed a deep crimson at the thought, “ … I dreamed about him. Like … well, you know what I'm talking about. But could that be the alcohol too? Am I freaking out over nothing here?”
“I'm not sure what it is, but it's definitely not nothing,” Kurt said, not sure if this would make him feel better or worse.
“Nick, you have to talk to him about this. And you need to do it soon,” Blaine told him firmly.
He looked at Blaine with tears in his eyes. “How am I supposed to talk to him when I don't understand what the hell I'm feeling right now? If it was just nothing, something stupid caused by drinking too much, I am going to feel like such an idiot. And if it's not - God, I don't even know where to start. I have no fucking clue why he kissed me in the first place, if that was just alcohol talking too, or if it was something else, and if he does … like me … then I'm not about to lead my best friend on because I don't know what the hell is going on with me...”
He was rambling, not making much sense, but Blaine and Kurt could understand what he was saying completely.
“It's going to be okay,” Blaine assured him.
“You don't know that. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never felt like this in my life. I don't think I'm gay. I don't even know if I'm really attracted to him or not. It's just … God, he's my best friend … I don't know about anything anymore.”
And Nick buried his face in his hands and began to cry, hot tears spilling from his eyes, his shoulders slightly shaking. Kurt rubbed circles on his back while Blaine spoke soft reassurances to him.
“I promise, you're going to figure this out. We're here whenever you need us, okay? It's going to be okay.”
[Chapter 15]