Lights Will Guide You Home, Ch. 15/?
Media: Fic
Title: Lights Will Guide You Home
Rating: R
Spoilers (if any): nada
Warnings (if any): Language. Nick/Jeff-related angst. Discussion about adoption.
Word Count: 4500
Summary: 13 years from now, Blaine and Kurt have made a fabulous life for themselves, but there's something missing...
Lights Will Guide You Home
Chapter 15
When Kurt and Blaine returned to their condo late that morning, they found Jeff sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, sipping on a cup of coffee.
“Hey guys,” he said softly.
“Hey Jeff, how are you holding up?” Blaine asked, concerned.
He shrugged. “I might live. Is Nick … is he okay?” They looked at him with blank expressions. “Oh, come on, cut the crap, I know that's where you've been.”
“Nick is really confused right now, and understandably so,” Kurt told him. “But the two of you have to talk about this. Why don't you stay here until we leave for our meeting with Karen, give him a little bit more time, and then you really need to go back to his place and talk to him.”
“What did he say?”
“You know it's not our place to tell you,” Blaine said firmly. “But, I will tell you this - Nick is freaking out, so you are going to have to hold it together. Don't forget in all this mess that he's your best friend, first and foremost.”
Jeff nodded, crestfallen. “This is all my fault. I still can't believe … Fuck, I'm an idiot. But I love him.” He looked up at the couple. “I'm not just saying that, either. I love him. I never wanted to hurt him. I'd do anything to make this right again.”
Kurt came over, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I know. And the two of you will work this out.” He nodded, but the look in his eyes was wary, questioning, disbelieving. “You will, okay?”
“Okay.” Jeff's answer was a whisper. Kurt let out a huge yawn, and suddenly realized how very tired he felt.
Blaine could see the exhaustion in his eyes, and felt it in his own body. “I hate to bail on you, but do you mind if Kurt and I try to catch a nap for an hour or so? This is a pretty important meeting we're going to this afternoon...”
“No, of course I don't mind. It's my fault you didn't sleep last night in the first place … God, I really have made a mess of things...”
“Jeff. It's fine - there's no way we would leave you hanging like that, I know this is a really sticky, precarious situation, okay? Don't blame yourself. Just let us take a nap, and we're good, okay?” Kurt reassured him.
“Okay. I may as well try to sleep more too - I feel like this afternoon might be enough to kill me.”
* * * * * * * *
Nick had every intention of going to sleep after he got home, but instead he just kept pacing. He was tormented, his inner dialogue a jumbled stream of consciousness punctuated by the not-so-occasional fuck or shit or goddammit. What was he going to do?
He knew that Blaine and Kurt would probably send Jeff back to his place later that day, and he needed to be prepared. But how could he prepare for that? He'd already tried the porn thing again that morning with the same results - girls did it for him, men didn't. But then while he was showering, that stupid dream hit him again like a ton of bricks, and … well, apparently one man did do it for him.
Was that even possible? To be attracted to females everywhere, but just one male? What did that make him? He wasn't gay, for sure, but was that … bisexual? Bicuriosity? Desperate, he sat down with his laptop and did a google search for “Is it possible to be gay for one person?”
Well that was a bad idea. Answers included yes, no, maybe, fuck yeah, hell no, not sure, and most all of them were written by what appeared to be fifteen-year-olds. Which was decidedly unhelpful. Screw Google.
And what was he supposed to do about the kiss? How was he going to figure out if it was nothing, just a drunken tryst, a one-time thing, or if that fire that burned in his belly was real? Could he up and kiss his best friend? He ran a hand through his wet hair and poured another cup of coffee.
And what about Angela? Was that why she'd left him? Because deep down, she could tell he was gay? But no, that wasn't it, because he wasn't gay, he wasn't attracted to guys (except for maybe just one, and that was really new), and just fuck. He hated this, the way his brain was splitting and splicing and nothing made sense anymore.
Except for the feeling of Jeff's lips on top of his.
No. No, he couldn't think like that. That was a very, very gay way of thinking about things. Which was … bad? It couldn't be bad, because he didn't believe for one second that being gay was wrong or bad or hurtful or any of those awful things that people said … but he was straight. Right? He had been for 31 years now. Could it change that quickly? But no - he was definitely still straight, because he'd watched heterosexual porn just an hour prior and thoroughly enjoyed it. But then that fucking dream, where Jeff's hands and lips and body were touching him, lighting up every nerve ending, and … shit. Shit.
He'd never been so confused in his entire life.
* * * * * * * *
Blaine and Kurt awoke from their nap two hours later feeling refreshed and much more capable of having a coherent conversation about adopting again. They showered and got ready, trying to stay quiet so Jeff could sleep as long as he was able to.
Eventually the time came for them to have to leave, and Kurt gently woke him up.
“Jeff? We're about to leave. Are you feeling better?”
He slowly sat up, yawning.
“My headache is gone, I think. But I don't think I'm going to really feel better until today is over, and possibly not even then. Possibly not ever.”
Blaine fiddled with his keys for a second and walked over to them. “Here. Take our key. If things get bad, and you need someplace to go, you're more than welcome to stay here.”
“Thank you so much. For everything. You have no idea how great you guys have been lately...”
They both gave Jeff warm, encouraging hugs, and wished him luck before heading out the door.
“This is so surreal,” Kurt was saying as they walked down the sidewalk. “Our life is crazy.”
“You speak the truth,” Blaine said. “What do you think they're going to do?”
“I really think it depends on how Jeff plays his cards this afternoon. The potential is there - you heard Nick talk about how he felt like he was burning from the inside out...”
“Yeah, but two things: I'm afraid it was partly because they were drunk, and I'm also afraid that he's clinging to whoever is available because he's so lonely right now.”
“You think so? He's not really been sleeping around or anything, and I know he's tried to date some to get it out of his system - he told me about one girl he slept with and he said it was great sex and all, but that if it wasn't Angela he wasn't interested, really. And I doubt he'd just up and choose a guy - who also happens to be his best friend of like eighteen years - to rebound with, if he's going to rebound.”
“Well, I hope you're right, because I'm not sure if Jeff can handle that.”
“I'm pretty positive that he couldn't.”
They were quiet as they headed down the stairs into the subway.
“Listen, Kurt, I know that they're two of our best friends, and it's been a crazy day - and night - but … can we talk about us for a minute?”
Kurt stopped, looking up at him with wary eyes. “What about us?”
Blaine's lips formed a smile. It was silly, how concerned his partner still got sometimes after all those years if he didn't use the right tone or the right phrasing. “Nothing bad, babe. We just … we're going to adopt a baby, hopefully. I just wanted to be excited with you about that for a few minutes.”
“Oh. God, I feel stupid, I'm sorry for reacting like that. Of course I'm excited.” He slipped his hand through Blaine's crooked arm.
“I know we said that nothing matters this time around as long as we get to keep it, but I'd really, really love to have another girl,” Blaine said softly.
“Me too. There was just something so … dainty, I guess, about her.”
They were quiet, conjuring up mental pictures of their long lost baby.
“Are you having a hard time not getting ahead of yourself about this?” Kurt asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I just keep envisioning nursery designs and baby clothes and what kind of stroller we're going to use … and we haven't even met with Karen yet.”
“Oh. Yeah … I keep thinking of songs I'm going to sing to her. Or … him. Either one. And how we'll do the newborn pictures this time around. It's hard not to think ahead...”
“I just hope it works out this time.”
“Kurt, it has to. We have to believe that it will,” Blaine insisted as they stood up to get off at their stop. They walked up into the sunlight, and stopped at the front door of the familiar building.
“Well... here we go.”
Hand-in-hand, they walked inside, into Karen's office. Her eyes lit up when she saw them, and she squealed and ran forward, throwing her arms around both men.
“Kurt! Blaine! I am so happy to see you two again - you look fantastic!”
“Thanks, so do you. You've lost weight!” Kurt complimented her. She spun in a circle.
“I have indeed. Thank you for noticing,” she said with a smile. “How have you two been?”
“Really good, lately. It was a hell of a year, but we're doing much better now,” Blaine told her.
“Excellent. Now, let's get down to business.” She motioned for them to sit as she went over to her desk. “We already have all of your paperwork on file, so this time around the process shouldn't be quite as drawn-out - basically, we'll just call and let you know if a baby comes up as a good match for you.”
“We wanted to talk to you about that, actually,” Kurt said.
“We were wondering if we could change the terms of what we're looking for this time around. I don't know if it's possible, but we'd really like to adopt a baby whose mother has already legally relinquished custody,” Blaine continued.
“Also, we've discussed it, and this time we're not opposed to adopting a baby with developmental delays or something like that - we'd just like to be informed, and be able to talk about it first,” Kurt finished.
“Absolutely. I think that is a perfectly reasonable option for the two of you to pursue.” She made a note on the legal pad in front of her. “Anything else we need to discuss?”
“Um … I don't know how this is going to go over, and we're willing to wait longer if we have to because of it, but we really, really don't want another open adoption. We would prefer to have the mother's medical information, but other than that, we really don't want any contact at all,” Kurt told her.
Karen nodded and made another note. “Okay. What else?”
Blaine looked at her sadly. He'd been going back and forth all morning about whether to even ask or not, but the question just slipped out of his mouth. “Have you heard anything about Violet? How she's doing? If she's okay?”
She gave him a small smile. “I haven't seen or heard from them since last June when I had to take her back to Abby. Once the birth mother takes custody back, as long as it's a stable home environment, we step out of the picture. But I'm sure she's doing fine.” She halted, her eyes getting misty. “I wanted to tell you both again how sorry I am for having to come and take her away like that. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do for this job - I cried the entire way to Abby's house, and the entire way back to the office after we dropped her off. I'm so sorry...”
Blaine and Kurt reached forward, each taking one of her hands. “It's not your fault. It happened, and it was awful, and I wish it hadn't, but there's nothing we can do about it now. We're moving forward. Just … promise us it'll work out this time,” Kurt said.
“I wish I could - I would give you my personal guarantee if it were possible - but it's just not. But I will promise you that I will do everything in my power to make things work out for you two this time around.” She squeezed their hands in hers, and then let go. “Okay - I think that's all we've got to do today. This was a short meeting since we've already got your paperwork. I'll call you as soon as I hear something, okay?”
They nodded. “Thank you. For everything,” Blaine said, giving her another hug.
“Oh, Blaine honey, it's my pleasure. You will make the best parents...”
He gave her one last squeeze, and then separated from her, taking Kurt's hand, and they walked out the door.
* * * * * * * *
Jeff felt lightheaded. He was standing outside Nick's apartment, hand poised to knock, trying to gather up enough courage to actually do so. When he finally did, and Nick answered the door, you could cut the tension in the air with a butter knife.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Uhh … come on in,” Nick said, stepping aside. “So.”
“So.”
There was a long silence.
“Shit,” Jeff said, plopping down on the couch and rubbing his hands over his face, “We've got to talk about this sometime.” He took a deep breath, then slowly let it out, trying to calm down. “Listen, I'm sorry I kissed you last night. I was drunk, and I wasn't thinking, and you were so goddamn close to me … I just sort of reacted.”
Nick was silent, sometimes pacing the floor. Jeff hadn't ever seen him that on-edge before, not once in their 18-year-long friendship.
He sighed, patting the place on the couch next to him. “Come sit down.”
Nick did so, but stayed on the opposite end.
“Okay. I … I'm just going to come out and say this, because there isn't any other way and if I don't do it now, I never will.” A pause. “I … Nick, you're my best friend, you have been for years, but … it's more … fuck … I … I have … deeper feelings for you that just that,” he finished in a rush. “I have for … a really long time.” He waited for Nick to say something, anything, but no words came.
“Um, okay, so … that's why I've been acting so fucked up lately, really,” he said. “I couldn't handle the thought of you moving so far away, but I also had this insane little string of hope that I actually had a chance with you after Angela left - God that makes me sound like an asshole ...”
Still no reply.
“I … shit, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you,” he said, his voice breaking. “Will you please just say something? Please? You can yell at me, or chew me out, or tell me how disgusting I am, or whatever you want - I just … please, say something.”
“So it wasn't the alcohol?” Nick's voice was a whisper.
“What?”
“The alcohol. Did you kiss me just because you were drunk?”
“Well … no, I mean, I've wanted to kiss you for years now, and God, once again, asshole, Jeff, but … I don't know, it lowered my inhibitions too much, and I just reacted, like I said...”
“And you have feelings for me?”
“Yes.” Jeff could feel his heart shattering then and there, entirely prepared for Nick to tell him to walk out of his life forever. “Yeah, I do.”
“Fuck. Fuck it, I have to know...”
“Know what--”
Jeff barely got the words out before Nick was launching himself toward him, warm, soft lips crashing against his own.
Fire again. His body was on fire, blazing, buzzing, lighting up. He was alive, he was invincible, he was - feeling Nick's tongue in his mouth.
Nick was trying to kill him.
When he ran out of breath, faster than he'd expected, he'd pulled away gasping. “Jesus, Nick.”
He looked at his friend, trying to assess the situation, because holy shit. Nick's pupils looked blown, and he was gasping for air just as desperately as Jeff was. And then he started to cry. It was a heaving, broken, terrible cry, shoulders shaking, horrible scary noises coming from his throat.
“Nick, no, no, don't cry, I'm sorry, I … it's okay … God ….”
But instead of pulling away, running from the room, making him leave, Nick attached himself to Jeff the same way he had the night before with no sign of letting go anytime soon. Jeff had no choice but to wrap his arms around him and hold his friend, half in awe that he was actually getting to do this, half horrified at the circumstances surrounding it.
“Nick, shhh, it's okay, it's okay,” he whispered. “Tell me what's wrong. Please. Why are you crying?”
“I'm just so fucking confused,” came his muffled, answer.
“Okay. It's okay. We'll figure it out.”
“It wasn't the alcohol for me either.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jeff … God … shit, I've never felt anything like that before, ever. When you kissed me last night - I wasn't sure, I was thinking maybe it was just because I was drunk, like the alcohol had a stronger-than-normal effect on me. But dammit, that was even fucking better, and...”
“Wait. Wait, you … liked that?” Jeff pulled away, looking at him with furrowed brows.
“Yes. Fuck. Yeah, I liked it. More than that. I … It felt like the world was beginning and ending all at the same time.”
“Shit,” Jeff whispered. His brain was frozen, but somehow his body was moving of its own accord, drawing Nick in for a close hug.
“But … Jeff, I'm supposed to be straight! I was married for fuck's sake, and not because my ass was too scared to come out of the closet, either. I like girls. I like boobs. But … I also like you. Dammit. I do. Fuck. I like you. I liked kissing you. A lot. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that??” He was still crying, hot, angry tears streaming out of his eyes and down his cheeks.
“I don't know,” Jeff said honestly, feeling totally helpless. “I really don't. I just know that you mean more to me than any other person has ever meant, and there's no way in hell that I'm losing you over this.”
Something snapped inside of Nick's head at those words. He knew that it would only confuse him further, he knew that it was wrong to lead his friend on when he had no idea what he was doing or feeling, but he had to kiss him again. Because Jeff's lips were literally the only thing that made an iota of sense, and he needed to feel them against his like he needed air.
He grabbed the back of Jeff's head, pulling the man's lips to his own, leaning backwards until they were laying horizontal on the couch. His tongue found the inside of Jeff's mouth faster that time, wanting to taste and to explore and lots of other forbidden things. He tasted coffee and something minty, maybe toothpaste, and also something vaguely sweet that he inherently knew was the taste of Jeff. He felt fingers rake through his hair, and hell if that wasn't the hottest thing he might have ever felt (aside from those glorious lips on top of his). Wanting more, he pushed himself closer to Jeff, who moaned softly into his mouth. His hips bucked upwards involuntarily at the sound, and Jeff shot into a sitting position.
“Whoa. Wait. Let's … we need to talk about this …” he said, panting.
Guilt immediately washed over Nick, along with a sick, slimy feeling of disgust for himself.
“God. Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me...”
“It's okay. I just … it's been a while, and much more of that, and … I just don't think we want to go there yet. I haven't even started to wrap my brain around this...”
“I know. I know. Fuck fuck fuck I'm so sorry...”
“Nick. Stop apologizing. You just voluntarily made out with me - do you have any idea how long I've wanted for that to happen? And you liked it enough to … well …” Jeff sort of nodded toward Nick's crotch. “I mean, I never dreamed in a million years...”
Nick made a pained noise, turned bright crimson, and buried his face in his hands.
“Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. It was … shit, it was intense for me, too.” Jeff was speaking softly as if one wrong move would scare him away. “So, what do you … um … what do you want to do about … this? I mean, I really don't know if I can handle a fuck-buddy situation, especially with you, and especially if you're going to still be with women...”
“I don't want a fuck-buddy, Jeff.” His tone was biting.
“Okay, okay, I don't either, I just wanted to make sure.”
Nick looked up. “I don't know what I want anymore. What does this make me? I've been trying to figure it out all morning - honestly, I've watched more porn in the last 12 hours than I have in the last 5 years. Girls still do it for me. I tried gay porn, and nothing happened. I mean, I wasn't like turned off or anything but … yeah. And then I kissed you again, and … well, my reaction was obvious. Jeff, I've never … not in my whole life … just, God, that was really hot. So where does that put me? I like girls, I like you too? Am I bisexual?”
“How do you feel about me, Nick?”
“What? Are you avoiding the question because you have no idea or you think I'm a freak or something?”
“No. Just answer my question. How do you feel about me? Like, overall?”
“Well … um … you're my best friend. I trust you completely. I can tell you anything - obviously. I care about you so, so much. And right now, I really just want to jump on you. You have no idea. It sounds so pervy saying it out loud, but God, you are turning me on. It feels so fucking weird to even say that...”
Jeff couldn't help it when a small, satisfied smile came across his face.
“If you really feel like that, then where's the need for labels?”
“What?”
“Why do we have to label it at all? Why can't it be what it is? The heart wants what the heart wants, Nick - I just don't feel the need to put you in a category like that.”
“The heart wants what the heart wants,” he repeated.
“Exactly. My heart wants you. It has for a really long time. You just need to figure out what yours wants, and then you can let me know, okay?”
“Yeah. Right. Okay.” Nick let out a huge sigh. “Be patient? I don't really know what I'm doing here.”
Jeff hesitantly pulled Nick into another hug, relieved when his friend practically melted into him.
“I will give you all the time in the world if that's what you need. I promise I won't be a moody jerk anymore.” He pressed a soft kiss into Nick's hair, nearly crying himself at the relief he felt, that he was actually free to do that. And his heart was singing what his lips knew it was too early to say out loud:
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
Like never before.
* * * * * * * *
Blaine and Kurt had gone out to lunch and for a long walk around Central Park, trying to give Nick and Jeff plenty of time to talk just in case Nick had come to their place. When they finally returned home, pink and sun-kissed and thrilled to pieces with the prospect of parenthood actually becoming a reality, they found an envelope and a note from Jeff.
Blaine and Kurt,
Thanks so much for offering your couch to me this week, but Nick and I talked and I won't be needing it anymore. Here's your key back. Thanks for everything!
-Jeff
P.S. I want to give Nick plenty of time to figure things out before I go gushing and blabbing about stuff, but I'm just saying... I cannot wait to Tell. You. Everything.
“Well that sounds promising,” Kurt said.
“It does indeed,” Blaine replied. “And now that the drama is over - you need to trot your cute little ass over to the studio and get some work done before Marc Jacobs himself comes looking for you.”
Kurt sighed. “You are so right. I'm so far behind...”
“I'll have dinner ready when you get home, okay? How does curry sound?”
“That sounds perfect. Love you.”
“Love you too babe.” Kurt gave him a quick kiss, grabbed his bag, and headed out the door.
[Chapter 16]
Title: Lights Will Guide You Home
Rating: R
Spoilers (if any): nada
Warnings (if any): Language. Nick/Jeff-related angst. Discussion about adoption.
Word Count: 4500
Summary: 13 years from now, Blaine and Kurt have made a fabulous life for themselves, but there's something missing...
Lights Will Guide You Home
Chapter 15
When Kurt and Blaine returned to their condo late that morning, they found Jeff sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, sipping on a cup of coffee.
“Hey guys,” he said softly.
“Hey Jeff, how are you holding up?” Blaine asked, concerned.
He shrugged. “I might live. Is Nick … is he okay?” They looked at him with blank expressions. “Oh, come on, cut the crap, I know that's where you've been.”
“Nick is really confused right now, and understandably so,” Kurt told him. “But the two of you have to talk about this. Why don't you stay here until we leave for our meeting with Karen, give him a little bit more time, and then you really need to go back to his place and talk to him.”
“What did he say?”
“You know it's not our place to tell you,” Blaine said firmly. “But, I will tell you this - Nick is freaking out, so you are going to have to hold it together. Don't forget in all this mess that he's your best friend, first and foremost.”
Jeff nodded, crestfallen. “This is all my fault. I still can't believe … Fuck, I'm an idiot. But I love him.” He looked up at the couple. “I'm not just saying that, either. I love him. I never wanted to hurt him. I'd do anything to make this right again.”
Kurt came over, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I know. And the two of you will work this out.” He nodded, but the look in his eyes was wary, questioning, disbelieving. “You will, okay?”
“Okay.” Jeff's answer was a whisper. Kurt let out a huge yawn, and suddenly realized how very tired he felt.
Blaine could see the exhaustion in his eyes, and felt it in his own body. “I hate to bail on you, but do you mind if Kurt and I try to catch a nap for an hour or so? This is a pretty important meeting we're going to this afternoon...”
“No, of course I don't mind. It's my fault you didn't sleep last night in the first place … God, I really have made a mess of things...”
“Jeff. It's fine - there's no way we would leave you hanging like that, I know this is a really sticky, precarious situation, okay? Don't blame yourself. Just let us take a nap, and we're good, okay?” Kurt reassured him.
“Okay. I may as well try to sleep more too - I feel like this afternoon might be enough to kill me.”
* * * * * * * *
Nick had every intention of going to sleep after he got home, but instead he just kept pacing. He was tormented, his inner dialogue a jumbled stream of consciousness punctuated by the not-so-occasional fuck or shit or goddammit. What was he going to do?
He knew that Blaine and Kurt would probably send Jeff back to his place later that day, and he needed to be prepared. But how could he prepare for that? He'd already tried the porn thing again that morning with the same results - girls did it for him, men didn't. But then while he was showering, that stupid dream hit him again like a ton of bricks, and … well, apparently one man did do it for him.
Was that even possible? To be attracted to females everywhere, but just one male? What did that make him? He wasn't gay, for sure, but was that … bisexual? Bicuriosity? Desperate, he sat down with his laptop and did a google search for “Is it possible to be gay for one person?”
Well that was a bad idea. Answers included yes, no, maybe, fuck yeah, hell no, not sure, and most all of them were written by what appeared to be fifteen-year-olds. Which was decidedly unhelpful. Screw Google.
And what was he supposed to do about the kiss? How was he going to figure out if it was nothing, just a drunken tryst, a one-time thing, or if that fire that burned in his belly was real? Could he up and kiss his best friend? He ran a hand through his wet hair and poured another cup of coffee.
And what about Angela? Was that why she'd left him? Because deep down, she could tell he was gay? But no, that wasn't it, because he wasn't gay, he wasn't attracted to guys (except for maybe just one, and that was really new), and just fuck. He hated this, the way his brain was splitting and splicing and nothing made sense anymore.
Except for the feeling of Jeff's lips on top of his.
No. No, he couldn't think like that. That was a very, very gay way of thinking about things. Which was … bad? It couldn't be bad, because he didn't believe for one second that being gay was wrong or bad or hurtful or any of those awful things that people said … but he was straight. Right? He had been for 31 years now. Could it change that quickly? But no - he was definitely still straight, because he'd watched heterosexual porn just an hour prior and thoroughly enjoyed it. But then that fucking dream, where Jeff's hands and lips and body were touching him, lighting up every nerve ending, and … shit. Shit.
He'd never been so confused in his entire life.
* * * * * * * *
Blaine and Kurt awoke from their nap two hours later feeling refreshed and much more capable of having a coherent conversation about adopting again. They showered and got ready, trying to stay quiet so Jeff could sleep as long as he was able to.
Eventually the time came for them to have to leave, and Kurt gently woke him up.
“Jeff? We're about to leave. Are you feeling better?”
He slowly sat up, yawning.
“My headache is gone, I think. But I don't think I'm going to really feel better until today is over, and possibly not even then. Possibly not ever.”
Blaine fiddled with his keys for a second and walked over to them. “Here. Take our key. If things get bad, and you need someplace to go, you're more than welcome to stay here.”
“Thank you so much. For everything. You have no idea how great you guys have been lately...”
They both gave Jeff warm, encouraging hugs, and wished him luck before heading out the door.
“This is so surreal,” Kurt was saying as they walked down the sidewalk. “Our life is crazy.”
“You speak the truth,” Blaine said. “What do you think they're going to do?”
“I really think it depends on how Jeff plays his cards this afternoon. The potential is there - you heard Nick talk about how he felt like he was burning from the inside out...”
“Yeah, but two things: I'm afraid it was partly because they were drunk, and I'm also afraid that he's clinging to whoever is available because he's so lonely right now.”
“You think so? He's not really been sleeping around or anything, and I know he's tried to date some to get it out of his system - he told me about one girl he slept with and he said it was great sex and all, but that if it wasn't Angela he wasn't interested, really. And I doubt he'd just up and choose a guy - who also happens to be his best friend of like eighteen years - to rebound with, if he's going to rebound.”
“Well, I hope you're right, because I'm not sure if Jeff can handle that.”
“I'm pretty positive that he couldn't.”
They were quiet as they headed down the stairs into the subway.
“Listen, Kurt, I know that they're two of our best friends, and it's been a crazy day - and night - but … can we talk about us for a minute?”
Kurt stopped, looking up at him with wary eyes. “What about us?”
Blaine's lips formed a smile. It was silly, how concerned his partner still got sometimes after all those years if he didn't use the right tone or the right phrasing. “Nothing bad, babe. We just … we're going to adopt a baby, hopefully. I just wanted to be excited with you about that for a few minutes.”
“Oh. God, I feel stupid, I'm sorry for reacting like that. Of course I'm excited.” He slipped his hand through Blaine's crooked arm.
“I know we said that nothing matters this time around as long as we get to keep it, but I'd really, really love to have another girl,” Blaine said softly.
“Me too. There was just something so … dainty, I guess, about her.”
They were quiet, conjuring up mental pictures of their long lost baby.
“Are you having a hard time not getting ahead of yourself about this?” Kurt asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I just keep envisioning nursery designs and baby clothes and what kind of stroller we're going to use … and we haven't even met with Karen yet.”
“Oh. Yeah … I keep thinking of songs I'm going to sing to her. Or … him. Either one. And how we'll do the newborn pictures this time around. It's hard not to think ahead...”
“I just hope it works out this time.”
“Kurt, it has to. We have to believe that it will,” Blaine insisted as they stood up to get off at their stop. They walked up into the sunlight, and stopped at the front door of the familiar building.
“Well... here we go.”
Hand-in-hand, they walked inside, into Karen's office. Her eyes lit up when she saw them, and she squealed and ran forward, throwing her arms around both men.
“Kurt! Blaine! I am so happy to see you two again - you look fantastic!”
“Thanks, so do you. You've lost weight!” Kurt complimented her. She spun in a circle.
“I have indeed. Thank you for noticing,” she said with a smile. “How have you two been?”
“Really good, lately. It was a hell of a year, but we're doing much better now,” Blaine told her.
“Excellent. Now, let's get down to business.” She motioned for them to sit as she went over to her desk. “We already have all of your paperwork on file, so this time around the process shouldn't be quite as drawn-out - basically, we'll just call and let you know if a baby comes up as a good match for you.”
“We wanted to talk to you about that, actually,” Kurt said.
“We were wondering if we could change the terms of what we're looking for this time around. I don't know if it's possible, but we'd really like to adopt a baby whose mother has already legally relinquished custody,” Blaine continued.
“Also, we've discussed it, and this time we're not opposed to adopting a baby with developmental delays or something like that - we'd just like to be informed, and be able to talk about it first,” Kurt finished.
“Absolutely. I think that is a perfectly reasonable option for the two of you to pursue.” She made a note on the legal pad in front of her. “Anything else we need to discuss?”
“Um … I don't know how this is going to go over, and we're willing to wait longer if we have to because of it, but we really, really don't want another open adoption. We would prefer to have the mother's medical information, but other than that, we really don't want any contact at all,” Kurt told her.
Karen nodded and made another note. “Okay. What else?”
Blaine looked at her sadly. He'd been going back and forth all morning about whether to even ask or not, but the question just slipped out of his mouth. “Have you heard anything about Violet? How she's doing? If she's okay?”
She gave him a small smile. “I haven't seen or heard from them since last June when I had to take her back to Abby. Once the birth mother takes custody back, as long as it's a stable home environment, we step out of the picture. But I'm sure she's doing fine.” She halted, her eyes getting misty. “I wanted to tell you both again how sorry I am for having to come and take her away like that. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do for this job - I cried the entire way to Abby's house, and the entire way back to the office after we dropped her off. I'm so sorry...”
Blaine and Kurt reached forward, each taking one of her hands. “It's not your fault. It happened, and it was awful, and I wish it hadn't, but there's nothing we can do about it now. We're moving forward. Just … promise us it'll work out this time,” Kurt said.
“I wish I could - I would give you my personal guarantee if it were possible - but it's just not. But I will promise you that I will do everything in my power to make things work out for you two this time around.” She squeezed their hands in hers, and then let go. “Okay - I think that's all we've got to do today. This was a short meeting since we've already got your paperwork. I'll call you as soon as I hear something, okay?”
They nodded. “Thank you. For everything,” Blaine said, giving her another hug.
“Oh, Blaine honey, it's my pleasure. You will make the best parents...”
He gave her one last squeeze, and then separated from her, taking Kurt's hand, and they walked out the door.
* * * * * * * *
Jeff felt lightheaded. He was standing outside Nick's apartment, hand poised to knock, trying to gather up enough courage to actually do so. When he finally did, and Nick answered the door, you could cut the tension in the air with a butter knife.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Uhh … come on in,” Nick said, stepping aside. “So.”
“So.”
There was a long silence.
“Shit,” Jeff said, plopping down on the couch and rubbing his hands over his face, “We've got to talk about this sometime.” He took a deep breath, then slowly let it out, trying to calm down. “Listen, I'm sorry I kissed you last night. I was drunk, and I wasn't thinking, and you were so goddamn close to me … I just sort of reacted.”
Nick was silent, sometimes pacing the floor. Jeff hadn't ever seen him that on-edge before, not once in their 18-year-long friendship.
He sighed, patting the place on the couch next to him. “Come sit down.”
Nick did so, but stayed on the opposite end.
“Okay. I … I'm just going to come out and say this, because there isn't any other way and if I don't do it now, I never will.” A pause. “I … Nick, you're my best friend, you have been for years, but … it's more … fuck … I … I have … deeper feelings for you that just that,” he finished in a rush. “I have for … a really long time.” He waited for Nick to say something, anything, but no words came.
“Um, okay, so … that's why I've been acting so fucked up lately, really,” he said. “I couldn't handle the thought of you moving so far away, but I also had this insane little string of hope that I actually had a chance with you after Angela left - God that makes me sound like an asshole ...”
Still no reply.
“I … shit, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you,” he said, his voice breaking. “Will you please just say something? Please? You can yell at me, or chew me out, or tell me how disgusting I am, or whatever you want - I just … please, say something.”
“So it wasn't the alcohol?” Nick's voice was a whisper.
“What?”
“The alcohol. Did you kiss me just because you were drunk?”
“Well … no, I mean, I've wanted to kiss you for years now, and God, once again, asshole, Jeff, but … I don't know, it lowered my inhibitions too much, and I just reacted, like I said...”
“And you have feelings for me?”
“Yes.” Jeff could feel his heart shattering then and there, entirely prepared for Nick to tell him to walk out of his life forever. “Yeah, I do.”
“Fuck. Fuck it, I have to know...”
“Know what--”
Jeff barely got the words out before Nick was launching himself toward him, warm, soft lips crashing against his own.
Fire again. His body was on fire, blazing, buzzing, lighting up. He was alive, he was invincible, he was - feeling Nick's tongue in his mouth.
Nick was trying to kill him.
When he ran out of breath, faster than he'd expected, he'd pulled away gasping. “Jesus, Nick.”
He looked at his friend, trying to assess the situation, because holy shit. Nick's pupils looked blown, and he was gasping for air just as desperately as Jeff was. And then he started to cry. It was a heaving, broken, terrible cry, shoulders shaking, horrible scary noises coming from his throat.
“Nick, no, no, don't cry, I'm sorry, I … it's okay … God ….”
But instead of pulling away, running from the room, making him leave, Nick attached himself to Jeff the same way he had the night before with no sign of letting go anytime soon. Jeff had no choice but to wrap his arms around him and hold his friend, half in awe that he was actually getting to do this, half horrified at the circumstances surrounding it.
“Nick, shhh, it's okay, it's okay,” he whispered. “Tell me what's wrong. Please. Why are you crying?”
“I'm just so fucking confused,” came his muffled, answer.
“Okay. It's okay. We'll figure it out.”
“It wasn't the alcohol for me either.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jeff … God … shit, I've never felt anything like that before, ever. When you kissed me last night - I wasn't sure, I was thinking maybe it was just because I was drunk, like the alcohol had a stronger-than-normal effect on me. But dammit, that was even fucking better, and...”
“Wait. Wait, you … liked that?” Jeff pulled away, looking at him with furrowed brows.
“Yes. Fuck. Yeah, I liked it. More than that. I … It felt like the world was beginning and ending all at the same time.”
“Shit,” Jeff whispered. His brain was frozen, but somehow his body was moving of its own accord, drawing Nick in for a close hug.
“But … Jeff, I'm supposed to be straight! I was married for fuck's sake, and not because my ass was too scared to come out of the closet, either. I like girls. I like boobs. But … I also like you. Dammit. I do. Fuck. I like you. I liked kissing you. A lot. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that??” He was still crying, hot, angry tears streaming out of his eyes and down his cheeks.
“I don't know,” Jeff said honestly, feeling totally helpless. “I really don't. I just know that you mean more to me than any other person has ever meant, and there's no way in hell that I'm losing you over this.”
Something snapped inside of Nick's head at those words. He knew that it would only confuse him further, he knew that it was wrong to lead his friend on when he had no idea what he was doing or feeling, but he had to kiss him again. Because Jeff's lips were literally the only thing that made an iota of sense, and he needed to feel them against his like he needed air.
He grabbed the back of Jeff's head, pulling the man's lips to his own, leaning backwards until they were laying horizontal on the couch. His tongue found the inside of Jeff's mouth faster that time, wanting to taste and to explore and lots of other forbidden things. He tasted coffee and something minty, maybe toothpaste, and also something vaguely sweet that he inherently knew was the taste of Jeff. He felt fingers rake through his hair, and hell if that wasn't the hottest thing he might have ever felt (aside from those glorious lips on top of his). Wanting more, he pushed himself closer to Jeff, who moaned softly into his mouth. His hips bucked upwards involuntarily at the sound, and Jeff shot into a sitting position.
“Whoa. Wait. Let's … we need to talk about this …” he said, panting.
Guilt immediately washed over Nick, along with a sick, slimy feeling of disgust for himself.
“God. Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me...”
“It's okay. I just … it's been a while, and much more of that, and … I just don't think we want to go there yet. I haven't even started to wrap my brain around this...”
“I know. I know. Fuck fuck fuck I'm so sorry...”
“Nick. Stop apologizing. You just voluntarily made out with me - do you have any idea how long I've wanted for that to happen? And you liked it enough to … well …” Jeff sort of nodded toward Nick's crotch. “I mean, I never dreamed in a million years...”
Nick made a pained noise, turned bright crimson, and buried his face in his hands.
“Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. It was … shit, it was intense for me, too.” Jeff was speaking softly as if one wrong move would scare him away. “So, what do you … um … what do you want to do about … this? I mean, I really don't know if I can handle a fuck-buddy situation, especially with you, and especially if you're going to still be with women...”
“I don't want a fuck-buddy, Jeff.” His tone was biting.
“Okay, okay, I don't either, I just wanted to make sure.”
Nick looked up. “I don't know what I want anymore. What does this make me? I've been trying to figure it out all morning - honestly, I've watched more porn in the last 12 hours than I have in the last 5 years. Girls still do it for me. I tried gay porn, and nothing happened. I mean, I wasn't like turned off or anything but … yeah. And then I kissed you again, and … well, my reaction was obvious. Jeff, I've never … not in my whole life … just, God, that was really hot. So where does that put me? I like girls, I like you too? Am I bisexual?”
“How do you feel about me, Nick?”
“What? Are you avoiding the question because you have no idea or you think I'm a freak or something?”
“No. Just answer my question. How do you feel about me? Like, overall?”
“Well … um … you're my best friend. I trust you completely. I can tell you anything - obviously. I care about you so, so much. And right now, I really just want to jump on you. You have no idea. It sounds so pervy saying it out loud, but God, you are turning me on. It feels so fucking weird to even say that...”
Jeff couldn't help it when a small, satisfied smile came across his face.
“If you really feel like that, then where's the need for labels?”
“What?”
“Why do we have to label it at all? Why can't it be what it is? The heart wants what the heart wants, Nick - I just don't feel the need to put you in a category like that.”
“The heart wants what the heart wants,” he repeated.
“Exactly. My heart wants you. It has for a really long time. You just need to figure out what yours wants, and then you can let me know, okay?”
“Yeah. Right. Okay.” Nick let out a huge sigh. “Be patient? I don't really know what I'm doing here.”
Jeff hesitantly pulled Nick into another hug, relieved when his friend practically melted into him.
“I will give you all the time in the world if that's what you need. I promise I won't be a moody jerk anymore.” He pressed a soft kiss into Nick's hair, nearly crying himself at the relief he felt, that he was actually free to do that. And his heart was singing what his lips knew it was too early to say out loud:
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
Like never before.
* * * * * * * *
Blaine and Kurt had gone out to lunch and for a long walk around Central Park, trying to give Nick and Jeff plenty of time to talk just in case Nick had come to their place. When they finally returned home, pink and sun-kissed and thrilled to pieces with the prospect of parenthood actually becoming a reality, they found an envelope and a note from Jeff.
Blaine and Kurt,
Thanks so much for offering your couch to me this week, but Nick and I talked and I won't be needing it anymore. Here's your key back. Thanks for everything!
-Jeff
P.S. I want to give Nick plenty of time to figure things out before I go gushing and blabbing about stuff, but I'm just saying... I cannot wait to Tell. You. Everything.
“Well that sounds promising,” Kurt said.
“It does indeed,” Blaine replied. “And now that the drama is over - you need to trot your cute little ass over to the studio and get some work done before Marc Jacobs himself comes looking for you.”
Kurt sighed. “You are so right. I'm so far behind...”
“I'll have dinner ready when you get home, okay? How does curry sound?”
“That sounds perfect. Love you.”
“Love you too babe.” Kurt gave him a quick kiss, grabbed his bag, and headed out the door.
[Chapter 16]