contest entry: Surface Tension by Elvis

[red_slash_army]

entry #15, Surface Tension by Elvis

synopsis: Inspired by episode #25 of Kagrra no Su.
ratings/warnings: PG-13
entered in: category 1 (open)
dartboard: yes
concrit: 2

Comments

[anonymous]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~ Mechanics and style ~~ 26/35 - nothing sparkling, but no eyesores

[anonymous]

Uh, yeah, you did. ^^;;; If you just skim it, you'll miss a lot. But apparently you're not the only one, so I'll revise this quite a bit in the next draft. Aheh, I hate deadlines. It wasn't supposed to be clear what was going on -- I tried to show that Saga was thinking one thing, Tora another, and the others either staying out of it, or also getting the wrong impression. Ah well, back to revising. ^^; Thanks for reviewing.

[anonymous]

I'm afraid that if I had read it more closely, I might have quit entirely. ^^;; I'm sorry, but the dialogue wasn't interesting, the actions weren't interesting, and so there was nothing to hold my attention and motivate me to continue reading. If you tighten it up to about half the length, and/or give the dialogue a good shot of wit, then it could be good, or at least not dull.

[anonymous]

If it was so dull to you, you didn't need to review. :/ In any case, I'll do my best to make it "interesting" in the next draft, though I suppose people will read it just for the eventual pairing more than the rest.

[anonymous]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~ worth up to 35 points.
Mechanics and style. 32

Nice. A smooth, easy read. Nothing awkward at all, considering there's so much conversation. I liked it.

Dart 2 (Red) ~~ worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness. 30

I like it very much! It's a subtle plot, full of red herrings for the reader. It was fun to go down all those dead ends and continually be surprised. Given that the point of contention in this fic is Tora being not-so-straight, I'm fond of it -- it's not wangsty at all. That's refreshing.
Plus points for what Saga's really concerned about and Hiropon not wangsting over rejection, etc. *grins*

Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~ worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable. 26

Characterization was done deftly. I didn't read very closely, yet I could still tell who was doing what and saying what even when the entire band had a very lively interaction.

I love all the cute lines in this, they make me snicker out loud. Some of them are a little cliche, like "Don't kill him, Saga,

[anonymous]

Yay, you got it! 8D; Clearly, I have to add more detail though since not everyone is quite so observant, heh. ♥ Funny how I can write subtle in fics, but I'm so very unsubtle IRL. >_>; Like a brick to the face, or so I'm told. XD Ahem.

This will be revised and will probably become another multi-part, since I've wanted to write a Tora/Akiya since I saw that KnS episode. :D

[anonymous]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~worth up to 35 points
Mechanics and Style 25

Practice had been normal up until the end, though Saga had seemed to be in an irritable mood throughout. Thinking nothing of it, Tora had made some comment about having plans later on, and the next thing he knew, Saga stormed off in a huff, slamming the door. Tora blinked and stared at the door Saga had just exited through, a confused look on his face. "What's gotten into him?" he asked to no one in particular.

The quoted above is all back story, pretty much, leading into mostly dialogue from here on out, and makes this fic sound like it was a small piece pulled from a much larger one, like all of us are just now stumbling across a chapter, not having read any of the previous parts.
The rest was fine, considering there was so much dialogue and not much action.
No grammar or spelling errors that I noticed.

Dart 2 (Red) ~~worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness 20

[anonymous]

This was a draft that I rushed to complete for the deadline. ^^; I'll be revising it before posting it elsewhere. Though a few readers (not just the previous reviewer) got the subtleties in the interactions, it seems like I lost a few others with it. I'll add more detail and stuff in the next draft, keeping in mind some people overlook stuff.

As with my other alice nine. fics and drafts I haven't finished, I can't seem to write oneshots with them. >_>; This will be part of a longer fic, but at the time of writing it, it was the only idea I had come up with, so I hurried to finish it at the last minute, quite literally. e.e;

The point was that things aren't clear cut, and that no one was really sure of what was going on, or how each other felt. ^^;; There's even a reason for Hiroto to be so flustered, but I will tone him down a bit since he did seem too flighty for me. Thanks for the suggestions. ^_^;

[anonymous]

Trust me, I can understand about rushing to meet deadlines. Nothing like putting it off until the last day and throwing something together in the span of, say, a lunch break? *dies*

I'll add more detail and stuff in the next draft, keeping in mind some people overlook stuff.It wasn't exactly 'subtleties' that were lost, there just wasn't anything to draw it together aside from the bare bones minimum. I didn't overlook anything. You can clearly see where one character assumes one thing, then the others bring something up and the waters become more muddied, but still. It just seemed like all the characters were confused in general, not in a good way, and that didn't make it a very interesting read. This is, as you know, easy to correct, and I'm sure you're already working on it

[anonymous]

Ah, yeah, I get what you mean. e.e; I sometimes lose myself when writing as fast as I can before I lose the idea entirely. I actually added most of the first paragraph after I'd mostly finished the fic, because I belatedly realized I started in the middle of the scene, as you said. And then I added the Tora/Akiya bit to the end, and wanted to add more, but I was already cutting it close to the deadline. ^^;;

About the characterization, I almost didn't send this fic in at all, because of the overdone bits you pointed out, but I really wanted in on this contest. XD D'oh. I'll fix it though, somehow. >_>; My a9 muses don't seem to like me much, but I keep trying because I'm stubborn like that. 8D;

[anonymous]

Dart 1/Blue: 27/35
Mechanics and Style: Mostly fine. There`s some redundancy, and a tendency for the non-dialogue to be too expository.

Hiroto mumbled, turning away abruptly to hide his sudden blush.
"Abruptly" and "sudden" together makes the sentence seem neither.

Hiroto protested, though every possible physical cue in his stance said otherwise. He really hated being a terrible liar.
Elaborating on those physical cues would be more effective. Do his fingers twitch, is he avoiding eye contact, etc.

Dart 2/Red: 20/35
Storytelling and Effectiveness: I wanted to make these comments together with the next section.

Dart 3/Yellow: 20/30
Characterization and Dialogue: The dialogue has decent flow. Characterization is okay, but I`m not sure I buy Aki making out with someone in a public bar, no matter how drunk he is. Highly subjective, but especially given how tentative he is to actually tell Tora what the hell`s going on in episode 25, it doesn`t quite fit. He only tells Tora at the very end that "this was supposed to be like `Honey

[anonymous]

Erk, thanks for pointing those areas out. e.e; Yeah, I'm gonna completely overhaul this fic before I repost it anywhere. I have a hard time writing a9, but I keep trying anyway. >_>; I've also recently seen some very suggestive almost-fanservice moments between Tora and the others, so I'm really going to have to work on a reason for him to be closeted in this fic, given that lately he seems more than comfy being touchy-feely with the others. XD D'oh.