Fic: Nothing New (SGA)
TITLE: Nothing New
AUTHOR: lar_laughs
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis
CHARACTERS: Ronon/Teyla ... Ka'naan
PROMPT: dark/light challenge at scifiland and 01. If you were a cowboy I would trail you for the If You Were challenge at 5_prompts
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 2725
SUMMARY: Set after Search and Rescue (Season 5, Episode 1) and AU from there. Teyla is coming to terms with the last year of her life, struggling to put all the pieces back together again. The problem is that she's forcing the puzzle together the way she thinks it should be and not the way that it truly fits together. She's got the light and dark all mixed up.
WARNINGS: None that I can see
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Aster for looking this over and assuring me that my verbs are all correct. I don't know what inspired me to write it in 3rd person present when it's not natural for me at all. It was how the first couple of sentences came out and I thought I would run with it! This is a pairing that Aster especially likes and I've spent the last year reconciling it in my mind. This is the beginning of what I believe is a beautiful love and where I really think the two of them can shine together. I hope you can share the vision with me!
It is amazing what Jennifer has been able to do with the serum that Carson first concocted, reproducing it in mass quantities as well as effecting little changes for the better. Teyla didn't remember ever caring how it worked, only that it did, but now she finds herself wanting to know the hows and the whys just to make sure that there will be a change in Ka'naan if (no, when) it works. At this point she can only hope that it will do exactly what Jennifer said it will do because she sees no change. The man she thought she might very well love more than anything else in the whole galaxy still seems more Wraith than Athosian and all she has is the hope to keep her sane from one moment to the next.
She was fighting for her son, she realizes. Fighting so that he might have a real family but she's not sure that Ka'naan is the answer to that dilemma. Before she became pregnant, they'd often debated about their future. Yes, debate. Ka'naan refused the thought of coming to Atlantis and there was no way that Teyla would ever consider leaving the city. Not for any length of time, at least. Until Torren came into the picture, they did not have a real chance at a future. Why, then, was she so willing to fight for one now?
Guilt. She knows that feeling well. Ever since she left her home to come to Atlantis, offered nothing but one of John's smile and the promise of doing more good for her people being away from them than she ever could when she was with them, she has had to deal with guilt in one form or another. Most often, she can push it aside. Not with Ka'naan. No matter how often she tells herself that she is not responsible for what happened to him when he was culled, she knows that he wouldn't have turned into Michael's plaything if half of his life force was inside her. If their son wasn't part of Michael's larger plan.
And so she watches and waits and tries not to place all her dreams in the hands of a man who may not turn back into person he was before and, even then, that may not be enough for her after all.
***
There is darkness whenever Ka'naan tries close his eyes. He's not sure if the void is welcome after the constant connection of the hive. Memories of his life before and his life since have haunted his waking moments but the hive haunts his dreams. The serum can't touch those. That's something he should probably tell the pretty Healer but he's not sure if he wants to let go of the dreams just yet.
Teyla comes to visit him every day, sometimes bringing Torren but often leaving him in the care of others. He once asked who stayed with the baby but since Teyla refused to answer, he gave up wanting to know. One of her friends, surely. The Colonel had been in to see him many times, alone or with Teyla, and he didn't seem the sort to care for a baby. There was a philosopher among her companions and a Satedan. Neither of them came to visit and Teyla also refused questions about them.
It wasn't odd that she didn't share her life with him. They were closer on the physical level than they ever were on a spiritual level, something that had always angered him. Her life on Atlantis was more important than her life with him.
Now he didn't care. Try as he might, it was beyond him to care if Teyla stayed with him or not. When she held out Torren to him, Ka'naan spent more time struggling against the urge to taste him than he did to care for him. The baby, surely sensing his father's feelings of gluttony, was always uneasy when they were together. He said all the right words so that Teyla was never the wiser. With any luck, he'd be able to keep this deception in place until they decided what they were going to do with him.
***
"Thank you for your assistance." Teyla sits down on the chair she keeps beside Torren's tiny bed, her body nearly as weary as her spirit. "I find that I do not want Torren having to experience the Isolation Room overly much. Even as young as he is, he is still aware of his surroundings."
"No problem." Ronon doesn't bother getting up from the low couch where he's been lounging since arriving in Teyla's quarters. He's got a book open on his chest but it doesn't look like he's gotten any further on it than the last time he was here. "Is he better?"
She shrugs, probing at the hopelessness only because she knows he'll notice if she slips too deep into herself. "It is hard to tell. There is something about his smile that is wrong. I suppose it is enough that he is trying. Jennifer tells me that some of the Athosians are not responding as she would have hoped. She is unsure if she should wait or increase the dose."
"Whatever she decides, I'm sure it'll be the right decision."
His voice is dry but she knows he is trying to give her some bit of hope to hold onto now that hers was in such short supply. In his way, Ronon has been more of a help to her than anyone else. That doesn't surprise her, seeing as he's always been more in tune with her than anyone else in Atlantis. In fact, he knows her better than most of the Athosians, as well. It was only Halling who has ever understood her without needing some subtle clues, or not so unsubtle, in the case of Rodney. Ka'naan is somewhere in the middle but she wonders if that isn't because he's never tried. She has always made it too easy for him.
"Am I doing the right thing?" she asks, her voice suddenly low as she becomes pensive. "I feel responsible. For what was done to him. What was done to my people. I am protected here in the city but they are left to the mercy of an enemy like the Wraith. Is it right?"
It is impossible to see him move but suddenly he is in front of her, kneeling at her feet as if she is a goddess who demands prayers and petitions. The sight of his eyes, molten and fluid, nearly undoes her completely but it is his smile that gives her the greatest pause. "The Wraith would come after them if you were on Atlantis or not. This isn't your fault."
"Then why are you smiling so?"
"Because you care enough to think that this is your fault. You risked your life for them. And you risked ours. You cared about them."
"I care about them still."
His finger slides across her cheek, the rough pad of his thumb scraping against her skin in a caress that she craves even though she knows she should be angry at him for his daring. When Ka'naan does this, she stiffens her spine before she even realizes what he's doing. This man leaves her wanting those hands to be more places than just her face but there is Torren to consider. He needs a father more than she needs a moment of satisfaction so she moves away. The dark looks passes across his face but is gone before she can react. Still, it was there.
***
Ka'naan smiles at her when she comes to visit, doing his best to keep his expression pleasant. No matter what they talk about, he keeps the same smile on his face. When she comes close enough that he could touch her, the desire to shove his hand against her chest and feed is strong. So strong that he has to grab his arm with his other hand and hold it against his body so that he doesn't accidentally touch her and ruin the facade of strength he is trying to continue. Her life force is stronger than any other he has ever fed upon.
Today, for the first time since arriving on this Ancient built city, she is touching him as if she isn't certain he is really standing in front of her. It is happening slow enough that he can control his impulses but, still, he knows this peace is only a veneer. When she gets closer, when she touches him with her body, he feels as if every inch of his skin is on fire. He wants to wrap his hand around her throat and squeeze until there is no heart beat to contaminate his own.
Once, he had welcomed her touch. Begged for it, in fact. Those memories are so dim, nearly non-existent now, that he wonders that he still remembers them at all. So much of who he had been was cleansed from his system when he was rewarded with this new life. Now they want him to give it up, as if that is even an option. He takes his medicine like an obedient grunt, lets the woman come to him as if she has the right. All so that they will free him and he can complete his task and go home.
When the doctor is around, she only angers him. Still he smiles. Still he pretends that he does not want to drain her dry just so that she will stop talking. All her words just pile up, dropping uselessly to the ground where they rot. She congratulates him on how well he's doing with the treatment but really she is trying to make herself seem more important than she really is. This useless medicine she is giving out has done nothing but made him angry.
She will be the first to die.
***
All this time with Ka'naan only makes Teyla wish for the normalcy of her life before the Athosians were brought back from Michael's hive. Each time she has the dark thought, she feels more horrible than the time before. No matter how tired she is, it is still her desire to have them all safe within the walls of Atlantis. This can be their home until another suitable location can be found.
Dr. Keller says that they will be released tomorrow, if all continues to go well with the new test results. That does not make her happy. As she sits with Ka'naan, searching for conversation topics, she sees the future stretching out in front of her and it is not a place she wants to exist.
"I have to go," she says quickly, before the pressing tears can from explode from the place inside where she is keeping them tightly bound. She expects him to smile as he has every other time she has left him but his hand darts out, clutching at hers with a fierceness she never expects from him.
"No."
It is a command, the like that she has never heard cross his lips before. This is not the Ka'naan she knew. She is not sure she wants to know this man with the fierce whisper and tight grip. There's something in his eyes that frightens her, something dark and black and nothing that makes her want to stay any longer. She tries to pull away but he has her caught well and true.
The Wraith has not been conquered. It smiles at her with Ka'naan's eyes, taunting her sudden knowledge with such terrifying glee that she knows true fear. She should have trusted the feeling in the pit of her stomach that warns that a Wraith is near. All this time, she has been pushing it away, thinking the serum hasn't cleaned all the taint away. It is not a taint but a soul-deep sickness Jennifer will never be able to defeat.
"Please." The word is just a whimper, full of this new fear that she feels she will never be free of.
Before either of them can respond, the door to the isolation room slams open and Ronon is hitting Ka'naan with enough force that he sprawls back onto the bed. There's blood, warm and red, staining the white sheets. Teyla is amazed that it isn't gushing black. She barely registers that Ronon is in the room before he is standing in front of her, his eyes hooded so that she can't see the emotion there.
"Are you hurt?"
"It... it is nothing."
He turns her arm over so that he can see for himself that there is nothing bruised or broken. Even when he sees nothing there, his finger is still stroking the skin as if to reassure his eyes that she is whole. "You shouldn't be here."
"I need to make sure..." but as she looks around Ronon's bulk, she sees that there are already people seeing to Ka'naan's wound. There is no other reason for her to stay in the room.
Instead of pulling away as she has so many times, Teyla leans into the warmth of Ronon's body. They have been friends and comrades but she finds that she wants more from him at the moment. She would like to have someone take all of her cares from her shoulders so that she might have a moment of true rest.
As if reading her mind, Ronon wraps his arms around her and murmurs words in his native tongue that mean nothing and everything to her, all at the same time. They stand together like this for several heartbeats, long enough for Teyla to gather enough strength to do what needs to happen next. She moves away, smiling a sad smile of thanks before turning to where Dr. Keller is directing her team.
"Lock him up." Her words are cold, meant to convey her authority as the leader of the Athosians. One of her own is broken beyond repair. It does not matter who or what he is to her. He is a danger. "You can continue your work but he is to be in a more secure location than this."
"But..." Jennifer begins to stammer before clamping her mouth shut. "Right away."
Ronon is standing right behind her, only just out of reach so that all she has to do is take the smallest of steps back and they'll be pressed against each other. This time she stops herself but only because she no longer has a reason to be here. After this moment, she will never again feel as if she needs to come visit Ka'naan. Something has taken hold of his soul. Something dark. Michael's legacy may very well live on in the man who fathered her precious Torren.
And suddenly she can no longer be in the same room with the travesty housed in the body of her once-friend. She turns and walks from the room, knowing that Ronon will follow her. It never enters her mind that he won't.
"I need to inform John of this incident. Who is with Torren?"
"Lorne stopped by." His voice is calm and even but she hears the lie and wonders if the story is really something like When I decided something was wrong, I came running and Lorne was the first person I met who I trusted to hand off the baby and she should be angry but she isn't. When he sees that she isn't going to yell, he continues. "I'll go with you to find Sheppard."
She doesn't argue because it would be pointless and it is suddenly very important to her that he cares. It isn't anything new to have him supporting her like this but it means something now. When the tears leak out this time, she does nothing about them. His thumb rubs one from her cheek but even he does nothing to stop the soothing fall.
"You aren't alone," he whispers, answering the anguished words her soul has been crying out for ages now. They've always been true. As he bends down, touching his lips to hers, she senses that he's been saying the words even when she wasn't ready to hear them. The boy with the bright smile was corrupted but the shadowed man can never be swayed.
AUTHOR: lar_laughs
FANDOM: Stargate Atlantis
CHARACTERS: Ronon/Teyla ... Ka'naan
PROMPT: dark/light challenge at scifiland and 01. If you were a cowboy I would trail you for the If You Were challenge at 5_prompts
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 2725
SUMMARY: Set after Search and Rescue (Season 5, Episode 1) and AU from there. Teyla is coming to terms with the last year of her life, struggling to put all the pieces back together again. The problem is that she's forcing the puzzle together the way she thinks it should be and not the way that it truly fits together. She's got the light and dark all mixed up.
WARNINGS: None that I can see
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to Aster for looking this over and assuring me that my verbs are all correct. I don't know what inspired me to write it in 3rd person present when it's not natural for me at all. It was how the first couple of sentences came out and I thought I would run with it! This is a pairing that Aster especially likes and I've spent the last year reconciling it in my mind. This is the beginning of what I believe is a beautiful love and where I really think the two of them can shine together. I hope you can share the vision with me!
It is amazing what Jennifer has been able to do with the serum that Carson first concocted, reproducing it in mass quantities as well as effecting little changes for the better. Teyla didn't remember ever caring how it worked, only that it did, but now she finds herself wanting to know the hows and the whys just to make sure that there will be a change in Ka'naan if (no, when) it works. At this point she can only hope that it will do exactly what Jennifer said it will do because she sees no change. The man she thought she might very well love more than anything else in the whole galaxy still seems more Wraith than Athosian and all she has is the hope to keep her sane from one moment to the next.
She was fighting for her son, she realizes. Fighting so that he might have a real family but she's not sure that Ka'naan is the answer to that dilemma. Before she became pregnant, they'd often debated about their future. Yes, debate. Ka'naan refused the thought of coming to Atlantis and there was no way that Teyla would ever consider leaving the city. Not for any length of time, at least. Until Torren came into the picture, they did not have a real chance at a future. Why, then, was she so willing to fight for one now?
Guilt. She knows that feeling well. Ever since she left her home to come to Atlantis, offered nothing but one of John's smile and the promise of doing more good for her people being away from them than she ever could when she was with them, she has had to deal with guilt in one form or another. Most often, she can push it aside. Not with Ka'naan. No matter how often she tells herself that she is not responsible for what happened to him when he was culled, she knows that he wouldn't have turned into Michael's plaything if half of his life force was inside her. If their son wasn't part of Michael's larger plan.
And so she watches and waits and tries not to place all her dreams in the hands of a man who may not turn back into person he was before and, even then, that may not be enough for her after all.
***
There is darkness whenever Ka'naan tries close his eyes. He's not sure if the void is welcome after the constant connection of the hive. Memories of his life before and his life since have haunted his waking moments but the hive haunts his dreams. The serum can't touch those. That's something he should probably tell the pretty Healer but he's not sure if he wants to let go of the dreams just yet.
Teyla comes to visit him every day, sometimes bringing Torren but often leaving him in the care of others. He once asked who stayed with the baby but since Teyla refused to answer, he gave up wanting to know. One of her friends, surely. The Colonel had been in to see him many times, alone or with Teyla, and he didn't seem the sort to care for a baby. There was a philosopher among her companions and a Satedan. Neither of them came to visit and Teyla also refused questions about them.
It wasn't odd that she didn't share her life with him. They were closer on the physical level than they ever were on a spiritual level, something that had always angered him. Her life on Atlantis was more important than her life with him.
Now he didn't care. Try as he might, it was beyond him to care if Teyla stayed with him or not. When she held out Torren to him, Ka'naan spent more time struggling against the urge to taste him than he did to care for him. The baby, surely sensing his father's feelings of gluttony, was always uneasy when they were together. He said all the right words so that Teyla was never the wiser. With any luck, he'd be able to keep this deception in place until they decided what they were going to do with him.
***
"Thank you for your assistance." Teyla sits down on the chair she keeps beside Torren's tiny bed, her body nearly as weary as her spirit. "I find that I do not want Torren having to experience the Isolation Room overly much. Even as young as he is, he is still aware of his surroundings."
"No problem." Ronon doesn't bother getting up from the low couch where he's been lounging since arriving in Teyla's quarters. He's got a book open on his chest but it doesn't look like he's gotten any further on it than the last time he was here. "Is he better?"
She shrugs, probing at the hopelessness only because she knows he'll notice if she slips too deep into herself. "It is hard to tell. There is something about his smile that is wrong. I suppose it is enough that he is trying. Jennifer tells me that some of the Athosians are not responding as she would have hoped. She is unsure if she should wait or increase the dose."
"Whatever she decides, I'm sure it'll be the right decision."
His voice is dry but she knows he is trying to give her some bit of hope to hold onto now that hers was in such short supply. In his way, Ronon has been more of a help to her than anyone else. That doesn't surprise her, seeing as he's always been more in tune with her than anyone else in Atlantis. In fact, he knows her better than most of the Athosians, as well. It was only Halling who has ever understood her without needing some subtle clues, or not so unsubtle, in the case of Rodney. Ka'naan is somewhere in the middle but she wonders if that isn't because he's never tried. She has always made it too easy for him.
"Am I doing the right thing?" she asks, her voice suddenly low as she becomes pensive. "I feel responsible. For what was done to him. What was done to my people. I am protected here in the city but they are left to the mercy of an enemy like the Wraith. Is it right?"
It is impossible to see him move but suddenly he is in front of her, kneeling at her feet as if she is a goddess who demands prayers and petitions. The sight of his eyes, molten and fluid, nearly undoes her completely but it is his smile that gives her the greatest pause. "The Wraith would come after them if you were on Atlantis or not. This isn't your fault."
"Then why are you smiling so?"
"Because you care enough to think that this is your fault. You risked your life for them. And you risked ours. You cared about them."
"I care about them still."
His finger slides across her cheek, the rough pad of his thumb scraping against her skin in a caress that she craves even though she knows she should be angry at him for his daring. When Ka'naan does this, she stiffens her spine before she even realizes what he's doing. This man leaves her wanting those hands to be more places than just her face but there is Torren to consider. He needs a father more than she needs a moment of satisfaction so she moves away. The dark looks passes across his face but is gone before she can react. Still, it was there.
***
Ka'naan smiles at her when she comes to visit, doing his best to keep his expression pleasant. No matter what they talk about, he keeps the same smile on his face. When she comes close enough that he could touch her, the desire to shove his hand against her chest and feed is strong. So strong that he has to grab his arm with his other hand and hold it against his body so that he doesn't accidentally touch her and ruin the facade of strength he is trying to continue. Her life force is stronger than any other he has ever fed upon.
Today, for the first time since arriving on this Ancient built city, she is touching him as if she isn't certain he is really standing in front of her. It is happening slow enough that he can control his impulses but, still, he knows this peace is only a veneer. When she gets closer, when she touches him with her body, he feels as if every inch of his skin is on fire. He wants to wrap his hand around her throat and squeeze until there is no heart beat to contaminate his own.
Once, he had welcomed her touch. Begged for it, in fact. Those memories are so dim, nearly non-existent now, that he wonders that he still remembers them at all. So much of who he had been was cleansed from his system when he was rewarded with this new life. Now they want him to give it up, as if that is even an option. He takes his medicine like an obedient grunt, lets the woman come to him as if she has the right. All so that they will free him and he can complete his task and go home.
When the doctor is around, she only angers him. Still he smiles. Still he pretends that he does not want to drain her dry just so that she will stop talking. All her words just pile up, dropping uselessly to the ground where they rot. She congratulates him on how well he's doing with the treatment but really she is trying to make herself seem more important than she really is. This useless medicine she is giving out has done nothing but made him angry.
She will be the first to die.
***
All this time with Ka'naan only makes Teyla wish for the normalcy of her life before the Athosians were brought back from Michael's hive. Each time she has the dark thought, she feels more horrible than the time before. No matter how tired she is, it is still her desire to have them all safe within the walls of Atlantis. This can be their home until another suitable location can be found.
Dr. Keller says that they will be released tomorrow, if all continues to go well with the new test results. That does not make her happy. As she sits with Ka'naan, searching for conversation topics, she sees the future stretching out in front of her and it is not a place she wants to exist.
"I have to go," she says quickly, before the pressing tears can from explode from the place inside where she is keeping them tightly bound. She expects him to smile as he has every other time she has left him but his hand darts out, clutching at hers with a fierceness she never expects from him.
"No."
It is a command, the like that she has never heard cross his lips before. This is not the Ka'naan she knew. She is not sure she wants to know this man with the fierce whisper and tight grip. There's something in his eyes that frightens her, something dark and black and nothing that makes her want to stay any longer. She tries to pull away but he has her caught well and true.
The Wraith has not been conquered. It smiles at her with Ka'naan's eyes, taunting her sudden knowledge with such terrifying glee that she knows true fear. She should have trusted the feeling in the pit of her stomach that warns that a Wraith is near. All this time, she has been pushing it away, thinking the serum hasn't cleaned all the taint away. It is not a taint but a soul-deep sickness Jennifer will never be able to defeat.
"Please." The word is just a whimper, full of this new fear that she feels she will never be free of.
Before either of them can respond, the door to the isolation room slams open and Ronon is hitting Ka'naan with enough force that he sprawls back onto the bed. There's blood, warm and red, staining the white sheets. Teyla is amazed that it isn't gushing black. She barely registers that Ronon is in the room before he is standing in front of her, his eyes hooded so that she can't see the emotion there.
"Are you hurt?"
"It... it is nothing."
He turns her arm over so that he can see for himself that there is nothing bruised or broken. Even when he sees nothing there, his finger is still stroking the skin as if to reassure his eyes that she is whole. "You shouldn't be here."
"I need to make sure..." but as she looks around Ronon's bulk, she sees that there are already people seeing to Ka'naan's wound. There is no other reason for her to stay in the room.
Instead of pulling away as she has so many times, Teyla leans into the warmth of Ronon's body. They have been friends and comrades but she finds that she wants more from him at the moment. She would like to have someone take all of her cares from her shoulders so that she might have a moment of true rest.
As if reading her mind, Ronon wraps his arms around her and murmurs words in his native tongue that mean nothing and everything to her, all at the same time. They stand together like this for several heartbeats, long enough for Teyla to gather enough strength to do what needs to happen next. She moves away, smiling a sad smile of thanks before turning to where Dr. Keller is directing her team.
"Lock him up." Her words are cold, meant to convey her authority as the leader of the Athosians. One of her own is broken beyond repair. It does not matter who or what he is to her. He is a danger. "You can continue your work but he is to be in a more secure location than this."
"But..." Jennifer begins to stammer before clamping her mouth shut. "Right away."
Ronon is standing right behind her, only just out of reach so that all she has to do is take the smallest of steps back and they'll be pressed against each other. This time she stops herself but only because she no longer has a reason to be here. After this moment, she will never again feel as if she needs to come visit Ka'naan. Something has taken hold of his soul. Something dark. Michael's legacy may very well live on in the man who fathered her precious Torren.
And suddenly she can no longer be in the same room with the travesty housed in the body of her once-friend. She turns and walks from the room, knowing that Ronon will follow her. It never enters her mind that he won't.
"I need to inform John of this incident. Who is with Torren?"
"Lorne stopped by." His voice is calm and even but she hears the lie and wonders if the story is really something like When I decided something was wrong, I came running and Lorne was the first person I met who I trusted to hand off the baby and she should be angry but she isn't. When he sees that she isn't going to yell, he continues. "I'll go with you to find Sheppard."
She doesn't argue because it would be pointless and it is suddenly very important to her that he cares. It isn't anything new to have him supporting her like this but it means something now. When the tears leak out this time, she does nothing about them. His thumb rubs one from her cheek but even he does nothing to stop the soothing fall.
"You aren't alone," he whispers, answering the anguished words her soul has been crying out for ages now. They've always been true. As he bends down, touching his lips to hers, she senses that he's been saying the words even when she wasn't ready to hear them. The boy with the bright smile was corrupted but the shadowed man can never be swayed.