a question for the men

[ladytairngire]

I have always heard that if you want to keep a man, you have to keep the sex-life alive. I know this has sexist connotations to it, but it also makes fundamental sense. A man is a sexual being on a level that women are not. He is hard-wired that by Nature to spread his seed, whereas women are built to catch one seed at a time, turn it into a

Comments

[greenchild]

It's not just about getting regular sex. Like you said, men are hard-wired to "spread their seed". That means trying to have sex with as many different women as possible, at least in terms of innate biological drives. On a psychological level, men (and women, I think too) get bored of sex with the same partner over time. That's why you have to mix it up. Keep the flame alive. Try new things- roleplaying, positions, fetishes, toys... whatever turns you and your lover on. Keep him interested, and he won't want to cheat.

[zophine]

I call bullshit. Some men cheat simply because they can. Overcoming biological imperatives is what makes humans higher functioning than our animal counterparts. Those that do cheat are little more than hairless apes in my opinion.

*sorry, I have issues with this subject because I did all that you mentioned and still found my ex in bed with my former best friend.*

[ladytairngire]

No apologies necessary - that's the kind of thing I'm wondering. A friend of mine is suddenly in the same situation, and in explaining it she said "I made sure he got sex when he asked for it". That caught my attention. There may be something beneath the surface of that statement - maybe, like greenchild said, it's a matter of livening it up, or maybe the reason he would cheat is not sexual... but then again maybe that's giving the guy too MUCH credit. Maybe some men, as you said, just. cheat.

(Of course some women cheat for the same reason, but I am strongly of the opinion that there really is a strong biological explanation for differences between the sexes.)

[zophine]

The first thing that caught my attention in your reply was that she said "when he asked for it". I was on the opposing side of that tale...I was the one that always instigated sex, and most times was turned down. After a while, I stopped asking...and maybe he got tired of asking for it as well. Sooner or later, something has got to give. If he found a partner that at least acted like she wanted to have sex with him, it wouldn't take long before he decided to go for it.

My two and change

[apocalypsegrrl]

I've seen a lot of relationships that go on longer than they should. Either one or both parties still cling to the other either because they don't want to be alone or just don't want to be the 'dumper'. So instead, they go out and cheat. If they get caught- great! It's an instant out of the relationship. If not, they still get the whatever that they feel is lacking without anybody knowing better.

no

[oregonnerd]

Very little hard-wiring. Lots of social pressure. Very little of the actual social pressure has to do with fidelity. And as to what it means--it means that if "he" can't explain WTF he's doing, then you're visualized as a clenched fist when he's away. (Presumably I don't have to explain that wisecrack.) If he's too stupid to know the difference, he's not terribly good breeding stock. Bear in mind most men want to or wanted to spend a few years mostly devoted to sex drive and that once it's done with, a man probably has more control of it. I am an ex-sailor and a Vietnam vet. And sex has nothing to do with love.

You're not dealing with the hard-wiring, you're dealing with the interpretation. Any man that excuses himself that he couldn't help it, he did it because he was a man--isn't a man but an ass.
--Glenn

[momma_lizzie]

I know what you mean, but I agree with zophine. Some men cheat because they can get away with it, just look at my father. 'Nuff said.

[ladytairngire]

So you're taking my biological concept a step further and suggesting that, in terms of nature, it's actually abnormal for people to be monogamous at all?

I think that biological imperatives do impact our social choices, though obviously we are capable of overriding them. I guess then the question is what's going on when we do override nature versus when we don't?

It's not a random discussion, no... in another comment I mentioned a marriage I know of that has gone by the wayside due to infidelity, plus another friend and I were talking about how our sex drives take a nose dive once we become mothers. Plus in a recent episode of Scrubs, Carla makes a point of saying how she makes sure Turk gets sex once a week... these things are all just percolating in my head :)