Who We Are (13/35)
Title: Who We Are (13/35)
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 4624
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - David needs to talk to some people and Charlie has some news.
Previous Chapters: 1 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. This is a slightly longer chapter with a lot of smaller bits and I would really like everyone's opinion on it.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 13
David checked his watch as he pushed through the doors. He was running late. It was already a quarter to three. Fortunately David noticed that Charlie had company. Alan was sitting with him and looked a little more relaxed than usual though certainly not comfortable.
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late.”
“Hello David, I was just about to head out myself. I have a product launch strategy meeting. Whatever the hell that is. Lord I miss just building buildings.”
Charlie squeezed his father’s hand. “Thanks for the visit.”
Alan reached out and ran a hand over his son’s head, smoothing down the wild, snarled curls. “I’ll try to come by tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
Alan gave Charlie a quick kiss on the head then made his way from the room. David watched Charlie visibly relax. “It’s still hard, isn’t it?”
Charlie rubbed his hands over his face. His beard was getting as wild as his curls. “I know he loves me, and I know I hurt him, and I know he wants answers but we had a hard enough time understanding each other when things were normal. Did you know that he blamed me for Don getting stabbed?”
“I’m sure he didn’t.”
“I’m sure he did. While Don was on a respirator he told me it was the result of my inability to properly prioritize my life.”
“He was just scared and lashing out.”
“I know. Still doesn’t change the fact that some part of him thought it.”
David sat down and leaned back against the window, the heavy glass still warm from the sun. A little something clicked in his head. “You sit here because it’s warm, don’t you?”
Charlie smiled and closed his eyes the sun on his face. “I worked it out my first morning here. This window gets the most sunlight throughout the day. I hate being cold and they keep this place just a little too chilly for my taste.”
“And here I thought you liked the view.”
“What view? It’s a parking spot and half a tree?”
David let the warmth seep through his coat for a minute. “I talked to Liam. He hasn’t told anyone and he’ll keep it quiet.”
“Good.”
“He wants to talk to you but it doesn’t have to be right away.”
“I see.” Charlie took a large breath. “I talked to Dr. Flores about leaving.”
David sat up quickly. “And?”
“And he said a desire to leave was a good sign and I am making progress.”
“Oh.” The bright flair of hope that had erupted in David’s chest quickly vanished.
Charlie took David’s hand. “I’m scared, David.”
“You’ve said that.”
“You have to go in just a minute.”
“I know.”
“Can I get a hug first?”
David quickly pulled Charlie into his arms. “Always.”
~
“I think Charlie’s getting out soon.”
Bradford nodded. “That’s good.”
“I mean, he’s actually trying to get out. He wants out instead of just sitting in there.”
“Good, that’s good.”
“Should I come out?” The words just burst from David’s lips and he was more than a little surprised at them. “I mean I’m not gay. I like women. I just like guys too, sometimes, the right ones. And I mean it’s not like it’s 1950 anymore.”
Bradford keep is face surprisingly neutral. “I can’t answer that for you but I will ask you a question, why haven’t you come out before this?”
David knew the answer to that even if he didn’t like it. He was career minded and there wasn’t that much ethnic diversity in the FBI’s upper management. He didn’t want an extra strike against him in the minds of the old guard that was still hanging around which all really boiled down to the fact that he was a bit of a coward.
“Well my mother knows, which means my sisters know, which means my aunties know, which means probably the entire South Bronx knows.”
“But does your partner know? Your team? Your boss?”
“No.” David confessed. “Well Colby knows but I didn’t tell him. He snooped through my porn during his spy days.”
“I see. And the rest of your team?”
David shook his head. “No.”
“How do you think they’d react?”
“I don’t know.”
“Sure you do.”
“Liz I don’t think would care. Nikki would give me a bit of shit then probably try to set me up with her ex. Charlie knows but that was kind of a life and death situation. Don...” David honestly didn’t know. “Don, I don’t know. Don’s the one who scares me.”
“You think Don Eppes has problems with gay people?”
“No,” David answered quickly. “No. I think Don isn’t an idiot, and I’ve been pretty hard on him about Charlie, and I think Don’ll put two and two together really quick and Colby put this image in my head of Don in a rocking chair on a porch with a loaded shotgun and I’ve got the bad feeling that if he gets one whiff that I’m actually interested in Charlie I’m likely to find my nuts very literally in a vice.” David did not find comfort in Bradford’s laughter. “It’s not funny.”
“It kinda is.”
“This is my life and more importantly my career we’re talking about.”
“Ah, there we have it. Your career.” David ground his teeth. “At the risk of sounding a little like our favorite math professor I think what you really want to do is calculate the emotional and social impact of coming out against the potential damage to your career.”
David sighed. No answers were coming. Just viciously clashing desires.
“Okay David, lets look at this from another angle. Let’s say Charlie gets out of the hospital, finishes breaking up with Amita, catches up on a month of emails and student conferences, then comes to you and says ‘hey David how’d you like get some dinner with me then go back to your place for coffee? What do you say?”
David’s brain broke the sound barrier as it rushed into the gutter. “What time does he want me to pick him up?”
“Oh, and he wants to mention to Don and his father that he’s going out with you?” David swallowed hard. “You want him, you’re attracted to him, if the universe does smile and give you a chance with the person you want are you, after everything he’s already been through, going to make him climb back into the closet to be with you?”
David shut his eyes as his heart pounded in his ears as the image of Charlie on that bathroom floor rushed back in and filled every corner of his mind. “No.”
“Well then I think you’ve got your answer.”
~
David clicked the lid of his iced tea bottle then clicked it some more.
“Dude, seriously cut it out or I’m going to make you walk back to the office,” Colby snapped.
“Sorry.” David drank the last of the iced tea in the bottle then tossed it in the back of the cruddy sedan the motor pool had supplied them with.
“What’s up, man?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on, you’ve been fidgeting for the last six hours. You don’t fidget. You’re like the Zen god of stakeouts.”
David stared out the window at a tree and an empty parking spot. He thought about Charlie. “I need to tell you something, seriously.”
“Sure, anything.”
“I’m bisexual.”
“Yeah, I know, we’ve had this conversation.”
“No we have not had this conversation. You broke into my place and rummaged through my stuff. That’s not a conversation it’s a felony.”
Colby wave a hand. “There was no theft and it was during the day. It was a misdemeanor.”
“Breaking and entering with the intent to acquire information for use in blackmail or to solicit treason. Felony. And that’s not the point the point is I never actually told you and now I have so, yeah.”
“Feel better?”
“Not really, no.” David turned back around so he could watch the office park that hopefully their suspect would appear at. David felt Colby’s hand on his shoulder.
“Charlie will be glad to have someone on his team he can talk to.”
“If he wants to talk.”
“Knowing Charlie he’s going to have questions at some point. He might as well get the answers off you instead of all the weirdos on the internet.”
~
David was beginning to think that Colby was prophetic. Charlie had been fidgeting and kept blushing as they tried to have a normal conversation about the antics of one of the other patients. Finally Charlie just fell quiet.
“Is everything okay?” David asked.
Charlie chewed at his lip a little. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything you like.”
Charlie twisted his fingers together into tight knots. “What’s...” Charlie faltered and began to turn bright red. “What’s it like?”
“Like?”
“With another man? What’s it like?”
David felt his pulse kick up a little as he grabbed his libido with both hands and ordered it to keep calm. “It’s nice.”
“Nice?” That was obviously not the answer Charlie was looking for.
“It’s... It really depends on the person.” Charlie slumped in on himself. “Really, best sex I ever had was with another man and hands down worst sex I ever had was with another man. I mean some things are a little easier. You’re working with the same equipment so there’s a little less guess work involved but at the end of the day what’s important is that you have a connection with the other person and that you have care and respect for each other.”
Charlie nodded his face hovering the thin line between grim and despondent. “I see.”
“Charlie, when you’re doing it right with the right person it feels amazing. I don’t have words to describe moments when you’re not sure where your body ends and your partner’s begins or when the pleasure becomes so intense it shorts out everything else in your brain or looking into your lovers eyes as they come with such power it sends your right over the edge after them.”
“I always figured sex has to be really good for someone somewhere or people wouldn’t keep making such a fuss about it.”
David cupped Charlie’s face into his hand and Charlie leaned into it. “Charlie, I promise you when you are truly ready and with a person you really want it is going to blow your mind.”
~
David checked the time and tried to steady his hands. It would be nine in New York and it was Thursday so there was nothing on TV his mother particularly liked. He’d gotten an email from her, the overtone of which was to pick up the phone and call her. He was usually better about that but he knew they would end up talking about Charlie and he just hadn’t been ready. She had way of picking up the most subtle nuances in a person’s voice. She always knew when someone was lying or trying to hide something and with him and his sisters all she needed to hear was the word hello to know if something was wrong.
The phone rang. “Hello.”
“Hi Mom, it’s David. How are you doing?”
“I’m just fine dear, now tell me what’s wrong and why you haven’t called.”
David sat down on his couch and clutched a pillow to his chest with his free arm. “It’s my friend, Charlie.”
“The math professor? What happened?”
David swallowed hard and willed his voice not to crack. “He tried to kill himself.”
“Oh my dear Lord. When?”
“About...” David had to think. “It’s been a bit over a month now.”
“Now why would he go and do something as foolish as that? I thought you said he was a genius.”
“He is. He... God I don’t know why he did it. Really. The reason he’s giving people is that he finally admitted to himself that he’s gay and couldn’t cope.”
David held the pillow a little tighter as there was a moment of silence that came back over the line from New York. “I see. And I know why you haven’t called.”
“Mom...” David’s voice finally cracked. “I found him, Mom. I’m the one who found him. There was blood everywhere and he was barely breathing and I still have the shoes I was wearing and haven’t cleaned them yet, there’s blood soaked into them and... And he looks so damn much like Isaiah mom. Same hair and skin and nose and really it’s just the eyes, just their eyes look different, they even sort of smile the same sometimes and...” David choked on the knot in his throat.
“Oh baby. I’m so sorry.”
“It hurts mom. It just hurts and I thought I’d given this all up, put it all away.”
“You can’t put away who you are baby. And you know that.”
“But every time it hurts.”
“If you had known what would happen to Isaiah would you have avoided him? Never spent all that wonderful time with him?”
David sighed a little. His mother was always a great one for metaphysical discussions. “No.”
“And that young man of yours at Cornell, Richard? Would you have spent so much time trying to sneak into his study group if you had known how that was going to end?”
“I would have probably tried harder,” David admitted.
“Now I have had to listen to you positively moon over that math professor of yours...”
“Mom.”
“And I swear you are worse than your sisters most days.”
“Mom.”
“And now you say he’s decided he’s gay?”
“That was the general gist of the note he left.”
“And where is he now?”
“He’s still in the hospital but with any luck he’ll be out in the next week or so.”
“Good. Be sure to put in a fresh roll of toilet paper and tidy a bit before you bring him back to your place.”
“Mom!”
“David, honey, I have listened to you talk about this Charlie almost non stop for six years now. Make your move or shut up about him and I want to see both of you here for Christmas. I know you’re relief supervisor now, whatever that is, but I want all my children under my roof this Christmas so figure it out.”
“Mom I...”
“And you can stop making excuses. I’ve given up on the thought of either of your sisters bringing home a doctor, that just leaves you. Now he sounds like a very nice young man from everything you’ve told me over the years and years and seeing as how you’re out there in California you’re going to want to make your move before he can end up on the open market.”
David felt his cheeks burn. “Mom, please.”
“Mom, please what? I know you like to tell yourself you’re married to that job of yours but a badge and a gun never kept anyone warm on a cold night. And what will be the point of cases solved and promotions and big offices if you’ve got no one to go home to at night to share it with?”
“I could get a cat?”
“You’re allergic to them, sweetie. Now at the risk of sounding like your father, grow a pair and go get what you want while it’s still there to be got.”
David let the smile crawl across his face since there was no one there to see. Only his mother could get away with telling him to grow a pair these days. “Yes ma’am.”
“And call your sisters. They both want to talk to you about stuff.” David didn’t even try to suppress the groan. “Don’t groan at me young man, I’ve got to listen to them all the time you can take your turn.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I love you dear. Be safe.”
“Always. Love you too.”
~
David was heading up the front steps of St. Clare’s when he ran into Colby coming down them. David gave a wave. “Hey man. Watcha doing here?”
“Just thought I’d drop in on Charlie. See how he’s holding up.”
“On your day off?”
“Like I’ve got a life.”
“Well, that’s true. How’s he doing?”
“Weird.”
David quickly got nervous. “Define weird?”
“He’s acting like nothing’s going on. I mean Don and Alan are also in there, but he was dropping tells all over the place.”
“What kind of tells?”
“You know how he rubs his middle finger when he’s bluffing like mad in poker, you know he’s either got a royal flush or nothing?”
“Yeah?”
“Well he was doing that the whole time I was in there.”
“Maybe he’s getting out?”
“He didn’t say anything. Anyway I’ve got to take my truck in to get smog checked. You try to figure it out.”
“Sure. I’ll see you on Monday.”
As David signed himself in he wondered what it could be that Charlie was trying to desperately keep quiet about. From a distance Charlie seemed pretty relaxed sitting in the afternoon sun chatting with Don and Alan. He waved from across the room and David joined the Eppes.
“Hey everyone, how’s it going?”
“Oh fine,” Alan replied.
“We were just discussing Charlie’s illustrious baseball career,” Don added.
David looked to Charlie with surprise. “You played baseball?”
“One season of little league when I was seven.”
“What position?”
“Relief pitcher,” Charlie stated flatly.
Now David was really surprised. “Seriously?”
“Chuck didn’t have a half bad arm on him. Slowest pitches in the league but he could throw a natural 12-6 curve ball.”
“Funny thing is I can’t throw one now for love or money. Completely overthink it.”
“I’m sure you could work it out again.”
Charlie shrugged. “Mainly I was just there to throw junk balls at the nine and ten year olds. My pitches were so slow they’d just swing and screw themselves into the plate a half hour before the ball got close.”
Don gave Charlie a little nudge. “Hey, those junk balls won you a few games.”
“And my batting lost us more than a few games.”
“Your batting would have been fine, you just needed to stop thinking.” Both David and Charlie laughed.
“Sure Don, because not thinking is what I am so very, very good at. I creature of pure instinct that’s me.”
“You’re getting better. You at least know when to duck and run these days.”
“True.”
Don looked at his watch. “And speaking of ducking and running, I’ve got to meet Robin. She wants to Talk.”
“Ouch. Good luck.”
Don gave Charlie’s hair a little ruffle. “I’ll see you later, Buddy.”
David watched as Charlie rubbed at the middle finger of his right hand. “Yeah, you too.”
“So why’d you only play one season?” David asked once Don had left.
“Somebody thought it was too dangerous,” Charlie stated while giving his father the hard eye.
“That was your mother’s call. I wanted you to keep playing. I thought it was good for you even if your batting did need work.”
Charlie pinched his lips still glaring at his father.
“What happened?” David asked.
“I got a little bump on the head our last game.”
“It was more than a little bump Charlie. It was a serious concussion.”
“It was a bump. I was on the mound and the batter had managed to time out my Eephus pitch so instead of screwing himself into the plate he knocked it right back at me. I took my eye off the ball for a moment because I thought the guy on third was going to try to steal home and I got knocked on the side of the head.”
David winced. “Ouch.”
“I was out for like two minutes.”
“Or twenty,” Alan added.
“And it was decided that my brain was not to be risked in oh so dangerous activities like little league.”
“Like I said it was your mother’s decision.”
Charlie just waved dismissively in his father’s direction.
“Hey, sign ups for the Bureau team are going up in a couple of weeks. They could probably use someone to run stats again.”
Charlie rubbed at this finger. “If I’m out I’ll talk with whoever is coaching this year.”
“After last year they should be glad for all the help they can get,” Alan said tersely. Don hadn’t been able to play the previous season and Charlie had a falling out with the coach and in the end the Bureau came in bottom of the table including embarrassing losses to the county sheriffs and the local EPA team.
Alan’s watch beeped.
“Got somewhere to be?” Charlie asked.
“Actually, if you don’t mind I promised Larry I’d help him start looking for someplace to live, other than his office, our garage and the occasional city park.”
“Sure thing.” Charlie’s face got suddenly sad. “Actually, I guess Amita’s moved all her stuff out by now.”
Pain danced across Alan’s face. “Charlie...”
“It’s okay. Tell Larry if he wants the solarium it’s available. I mean we could probably both use the company and let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where Larry lives as long as I’m helping out with the math for his theory he’s practically going to be living there anyway.”
Alan smiled. “I’ll mention it to him and I’ll say hi for you.”
“Thanks.”
Alan gave Charlie a hug then gave David a quick pat on the shoulder and headed out. David watched as Charlie almost instantly relaxed. “So what’s up, what’s going on?”
Charlie chewed on his lip for a moment. “I’m getting out.”
David could not have stopped the smile that rushed across his face if his life depended on it. “That’s great.” He pulled Charlie into a hug. “That’s incredible. When?”
“Sunday. After visiting hours.”
“I’m so proud of you.” Charlie pulled away his face dark. “What’s wrong?”
“I haven’t told anyone. I didn’t tell Don or my Dad. I...” Charlie took a deep breath. “I’m... Could I go home with you tomorrow afternoon?”
David wanted to shout yes for a hundred different reasons. “Sure, I guess, if that’s what you want.”
“I’m just... I’m not ready David. I’m not going to survive just leaping back in. If I could just crash on your couch or something for the night so I can reacclimate a little. I’ll go home Monday morning I just can’t go straight from here to there.”
David pulled Charlie close again and resisted the urge to tell him that he could stay as long as he liked. “It’s not a problem. I’ll pick you up and we can order Chinese and watch a movie.”
Charlie’s eyes closed. “You have no idea how good that sounds.” David ran his hand up and down Charlie’s back a few times. “David?”
“Yes?”
“I’m scared.”
“You’ve said that.”
“No.” Charlie’s voice was small and fearful in a way David hadn’t heard in weeks. “I’m scared David. That’s why I did it. That’s what I tried to explain in the note I wrote you. I am fucking terrified.” David held Charlie away from him a little so he could get a good look at Charlie’s face. “David I’ve never been scared. Not really. I was never scared of monsters under the bed because I didn’t believe in them. Thunder and lightening, I understood the science. I’ve had little fears, bullies, gym teachers, frat boys but nothing I couldn’t think my way out of. Even the claustrophobia, I can force my rational brain to override the irrational if I really, really need to. Even when my mother was dying I wasn’t afraid. Angry, but not afraid. The closest thing I’ve ever felt to this kind of fear was when Don was stabbed but I had a case then, I had numbers, data I could follow, the same when Amita was taken but... There’s always been numbers, some odds, some data, some math, something.” Charlie ran out of breath his face contorted into a mask of terror. “That day, it was like there was just static in my head. There were no more numbers,” he whispered.
David finally began to understand. Charlie hadn’t just had a crisis of identity he’d had a crisis of faith. One of the first things he’d learned from Charlie after Even isn’t the same as Random and Don’t Play Lotto was Numbers are Everything. For Charlie to not have numbers was a high priest declaring that there is no god.
He cupped Charlie’s face in his hands since he could think of nothing to say.
“I feel like I’m in the woods David. I’ve been on a bright, wide, sunny path my whole life and all of a sudden it’s dark and I’m lost and I still can’t find a path and I am still so scared and they’re going to send me back out into the world and I know I need to be there, and there are things I need to do but I am terrified.” Charlie’s voice was high and cracked.
David pulled Charlie back in close again. “I’m here, Charlie. Okay? I know you feel lost but I’m right here next to you and I’m not going anywhere and the thing is, yeah the sun does go down but the sun also comes back up and just ‘cause there’s not a path doesn’t mean you’re lost, just means you’ve found some place new. And I’m here, okay, and the numbers are coming back already, you know that.”
Charlie was squeezing as tight as he could. “I’m afraid to go home, David,” Charlie whispered. “I’m afraid of everyone out there. I’m afraid of Don, I’m afraid of my father, I’m scared shitless of seeing Amita again. I’m terrified of going back to work, facing my students, the other staff.” David could feel Charlie’s heart racing like it was trying to leap out of his chest. “What am I going to tell people? What do I say?”
David stroked his hand along Charlie’s back hoping he would calm down before working himself into a full blown panic attack. “You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to tell people anything. If you want someone to know something then that’s fine but if you don’t then it’s none of their business. You’re still Doctor Charles Eppes. I know you’re having problems with that, but that name of yours still means a lot and that’s not going to change.” Charlie didn’t say anything, just held on tighter. “Charlie, are you scared of me?” Charlie looked up at David. “You said you’re afraid of everyone, are you scared of me?”
“No.” Charlie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“Well then that’s a start.” Charlie buried his face back into David’s chest. “How about Colby?” Charlie didn’t say anything or move for a long time then shook his head. “Okay. That’s two people and we’ve both got your back.” Charlie’s pulse didn’t seem to be thumping quite as hard and his breath was slowing a bit. David kept up the slow steady strokes.
“I asked Dr. Flores for a prescription of Xanax or Valium or something,” Charlie mumbled his face still against David’s chest.
“Did he give you one?”
“No. He said I also shouldn’t drink for a while.”
David stroked Charlie’s head. “Poor baby.” Charlie said something David couldn’t make out but was willing to bet it was rude. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you will be okay. It’s going to take time. It’s going to be hard but you’re an Eppes and if there is one thing I’ve learned over the last six years it’s that no matter what the world throws at you lot you are all damn near indestructible.”
Previous Next
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 4624
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - David needs to talk to some people and Charlie has some news.
Previous Chapters: 1 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. This is a slightly longer chapter with a lot of smaller bits and I would really like everyone's opinion on it.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 13
David checked his watch as he pushed through the doors. He was running late. It was already a quarter to three. Fortunately David noticed that Charlie had company. Alan was sitting with him and looked a little more relaxed than usual though certainly not comfortable.
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late.”
“Hello David, I was just about to head out myself. I have a product launch strategy meeting. Whatever the hell that is. Lord I miss just building buildings.”
Charlie squeezed his father’s hand. “Thanks for the visit.”
Alan reached out and ran a hand over his son’s head, smoothing down the wild, snarled curls. “I’ll try to come by tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
Alan gave Charlie a quick kiss on the head then made his way from the room. David watched Charlie visibly relax. “It’s still hard, isn’t it?”
Charlie rubbed his hands over his face. His beard was getting as wild as his curls. “I know he loves me, and I know I hurt him, and I know he wants answers but we had a hard enough time understanding each other when things were normal. Did you know that he blamed me for Don getting stabbed?”
“I’m sure he didn’t.”
“I’m sure he did. While Don was on a respirator he told me it was the result of my inability to properly prioritize my life.”
“He was just scared and lashing out.”
“I know. Still doesn’t change the fact that some part of him thought it.”
David sat down and leaned back against the window, the heavy glass still warm from the sun. A little something clicked in his head. “You sit here because it’s warm, don’t you?”
Charlie smiled and closed his eyes the sun on his face. “I worked it out my first morning here. This window gets the most sunlight throughout the day. I hate being cold and they keep this place just a little too chilly for my taste.”
“And here I thought you liked the view.”
“What view? It’s a parking spot and half a tree?”
David let the warmth seep through his coat for a minute. “I talked to Liam. He hasn’t told anyone and he’ll keep it quiet.”
“Good.”
“He wants to talk to you but it doesn’t have to be right away.”
“I see.” Charlie took a large breath. “I talked to Dr. Flores about leaving.”
David sat up quickly. “And?”
“And he said a desire to leave was a good sign and I am making progress.”
“Oh.” The bright flair of hope that had erupted in David’s chest quickly vanished.
Charlie took David’s hand. “I’m scared, David.”
“You’ve said that.”
“You have to go in just a minute.”
“I know.”
“Can I get a hug first?”
David quickly pulled Charlie into his arms. “Always.”
~
“I think Charlie’s getting out soon.”
Bradford nodded. “That’s good.”
“I mean, he’s actually trying to get out. He wants out instead of just sitting in there.”
“Good, that’s good.”
“Should I come out?” The words just burst from David’s lips and he was more than a little surprised at them. “I mean I’m not gay. I like women. I just like guys too, sometimes, the right ones. And I mean it’s not like it’s 1950 anymore.”
Bradford keep is face surprisingly neutral. “I can’t answer that for you but I will ask you a question, why haven’t you come out before this?”
David knew the answer to that even if he didn’t like it. He was career minded and there wasn’t that much ethnic diversity in the FBI’s upper management. He didn’t want an extra strike against him in the minds of the old guard that was still hanging around which all really boiled down to the fact that he was a bit of a coward.
“Well my mother knows, which means my sisters know, which means my aunties know, which means probably the entire South Bronx knows.”
“But does your partner know? Your team? Your boss?”
“No.” David confessed. “Well Colby knows but I didn’t tell him. He snooped through my porn during his spy days.”
“I see. And the rest of your team?”
David shook his head. “No.”
“How do you think they’d react?”
“I don’t know.”
“Sure you do.”
“Liz I don’t think would care. Nikki would give me a bit of shit then probably try to set me up with her ex. Charlie knows but that was kind of a life and death situation. Don...” David honestly didn’t know. “Don, I don’t know. Don’s the one who scares me.”
“You think Don Eppes has problems with gay people?”
“No,” David answered quickly. “No. I think Don isn’t an idiot, and I’ve been pretty hard on him about Charlie, and I think Don’ll put two and two together really quick and Colby put this image in my head of Don in a rocking chair on a porch with a loaded shotgun and I’ve got the bad feeling that if he gets one whiff that I’m actually interested in Charlie I’m likely to find my nuts very literally in a vice.” David did not find comfort in Bradford’s laughter. “It’s not funny.”
“It kinda is.”
“This is my life and more importantly my career we’re talking about.”
“Ah, there we have it. Your career.” David ground his teeth. “At the risk of sounding a little like our favorite math professor I think what you really want to do is calculate the emotional and social impact of coming out against the potential damage to your career.”
David sighed. No answers were coming. Just viciously clashing desires.
“Okay David, lets look at this from another angle. Let’s say Charlie gets out of the hospital, finishes breaking up with Amita, catches up on a month of emails and student conferences, then comes to you and says ‘hey David how’d you like get some dinner with me then go back to your place for coffee? What do you say?”
David’s brain broke the sound barrier as it rushed into the gutter. “What time does he want me to pick him up?”
“Oh, and he wants to mention to Don and his father that he’s going out with you?” David swallowed hard. “You want him, you’re attracted to him, if the universe does smile and give you a chance with the person you want are you, after everything he’s already been through, going to make him climb back into the closet to be with you?”
David shut his eyes as his heart pounded in his ears as the image of Charlie on that bathroom floor rushed back in and filled every corner of his mind. “No.”
“Well then I think you’ve got your answer.”
~
David clicked the lid of his iced tea bottle then clicked it some more.
“Dude, seriously cut it out or I’m going to make you walk back to the office,” Colby snapped.
“Sorry.” David drank the last of the iced tea in the bottle then tossed it in the back of the cruddy sedan the motor pool had supplied them with.
“What’s up, man?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on, you’ve been fidgeting for the last six hours. You don’t fidget. You’re like the Zen god of stakeouts.”
David stared out the window at a tree and an empty parking spot. He thought about Charlie. “I need to tell you something, seriously.”
“Sure, anything.”
“I’m bisexual.”
“Yeah, I know, we’ve had this conversation.”
“No we have not had this conversation. You broke into my place and rummaged through my stuff. That’s not a conversation it’s a felony.”
Colby wave a hand. “There was no theft and it was during the day. It was a misdemeanor.”
“Breaking and entering with the intent to acquire information for use in blackmail or to solicit treason. Felony. And that’s not the point the point is I never actually told you and now I have so, yeah.”
“Feel better?”
“Not really, no.” David turned back around so he could watch the office park that hopefully their suspect would appear at. David felt Colby’s hand on his shoulder.
“Charlie will be glad to have someone on his team he can talk to.”
“If he wants to talk.”
“Knowing Charlie he’s going to have questions at some point. He might as well get the answers off you instead of all the weirdos on the internet.”
~
David was beginning to think that Colby was prophetic. Charlie had been fidgeting and kept blushing as they tried to have a normal conversation about the antics of one of the other patients. Finally Charlie just fell quiet.
“Is everything okay?” David asked.
Charlie chewed at his lip a little. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything you like.”
Charlie twisted his fingers together into tight knots. “What’s...” Charlie faltered and began to turn bright red. “What’s it like?”
“Like?”
“With another man? What’s it like?”
David felt his pulse kick up a little as he grabbed his libido with both hands and ordered it to keep calm. “It’s nice.”
“Nice?” That was obviously not the answer Charlie was looking for.
“It’s... It really depends on the person.” Charlie slumped in on himself. “Really, best sex I ever had was with another man and hands down worst sex I ever had was with another man. I mean some things are a little easier. You’re working with the same equipment so there’s a little less guess work involved but at the end of the day what’s important is that you have a connection with the other person and that you have care and respect for each other.”
Charlie nodded his face hovering the thin line between grim and despondent. “I see.”
“Charlie, when you’re doing it right with the right person it feels amazing. I don’t have words to describe moments when you’re not sure where your body ends and your partner’s begins or when the pleasure becomes so intense it shorts out everything else in your brain or looking into your lovers eyes as they come with such power it sends your right over the edge after them.”
“I always figured sex has to be really good for someone somewhere or people wouldn’t keep making such a fuss about it.”
David cupped Charlie’s face into his hand and Charlie leaned into it. “Charlie, I promise you when you are truly ready and with a person you really want it is going to blow your mind.”
~
David checked the time and tried to steady his hands. It would be nine in New York and it was Thursday so there was nothing on TV his mother particularly liked. He’d gotten an email from her, the overtone of which was to pick up the phone and call her. He was usually better about that but he knew they would end up talking about Charlie and he just hadn’t been ready. She had way of picking up the most subtle nuances in a person’s voice. She always knew when someone was lying or trying to hide something and with him and his sisters all she needed to hear was the word hello to know if something was wrong.
The phone rang. “Hello.”
“Hi Mom, it’s David. How are you doing?”
“I’m just fine dear, now tell me what’s wrong and why you haven’t called.”
David sat down on his couch and clutched a pillow to his chest with his free arm. “It’s my friend, Charlie.”
“The math professor? What happened?”
David swallowed hard and willed his voice not to crack. “He tried to kill himself.”
“Oh my dear Lord. When?”
“About...” David had to think. “It’s been a bit over a month now.”
“Now why would he go and do something as foolish as that? I thought you said he was a genius.”
“He is. He... God I don’t know why he did it. Really. The reason he’s giving people is that he finally admitted to himself that he’s gay and couldn’t cope.”
David held the pillow a little tighter as there was a moment of silence that came back over the line from New York. “I see. And I know why you haven’t called.”
“Mom...” David’s voice finally cracked. “I found him, Mom. I’m the one who found him. There was blood everywhere and he was barely breathing and I still have the shoes I was wearing and haven’t cleaned them yet, there’s blood soaked into them and... And he looks so damn much like Isaiah mom. Same hair and skin and nose and really it’s just the eyes, just their eyes look different, they even sort of smile the same sometimes and...” David choked on the knot in his throat.
“Oh baby. I’m so sorry.”
“It hurts mom. It just hurts and I thought I’d given this all up, put it all away.”
“You can’t put away who you are baby. And you know that.”
“But every time it hurts.”
“If you had known what would happen to Isaiah would you have avoided him? Never spent all that wonderful time with him?”
David sighed a little. His mother was always a great one for metaphysical discussions. “No.”
“And that young man of yours at Cornell, Richard? Would you have spent so much time trying to sneak into his study group if you had known how that was going to end?”
“I would have probably tried harder,” David admitted.
“Now I have had to listen to you positively moon over that math professor of yours...”
“Mom.”
“And I swear you are worse than your sisters most days.”
“Mom.”
“And now you say he’s decided he’s gay?”
“That was the general gist of the note he left.”
“And where is he now?”
“He’s still in the hospital but with any luck he’ll be out in the next week or so.”
“Good. Be sure to put in a fresh roll of toilet paper and tidy a bit before you bring him back to your place.”
“Mom!”
“David, honey, I have listened to you talk about this Charlie almost non stop for six years now. Make your move or shut up about him and I want to see both of you here for Christmas. I know you’re relief supervisor now, whatever that is, but I want all my children under my roof this Christmas so figure it out.”
“Mom I...”
“And you can stop making excuses. I’ve given up on the thought of either of your sisters bringing home a doctor, that just leaves you. Now he sounds like a very nice young man from everything you’ve told me over the years and years and seeing as how you’re out there in California you’re going to want to make your move before he can end up on the open market.”
David felt his cheeks burn. “Mom, please.”
“Mom, please what? I know you like to tell yourself you’re married to that job of yours but a badge and a gun never kept anyone warm on a cold night. And what will be the point of cases solved and promotions and big offices if you’ve got no one to go home to at night to share it with?”
“I could get a cat?”
“You’re allergic to them, sweetie. Now at the risk of sounding like your father, grow a pair and go get what you want while it’s still there to be got.”
David let the smile crawl across his face since there was no one there to see. Only his mother could get away with telling him to grow a pair these days. “Yes ma’am.”
“And call your sisters. They both want to talk to you about stuff.” David didn’t even try to suppress the groan. “Don’t groan at me young man, I’ve got to listen to them all the time you can take your turn.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“I love you dear. Be safe.”
“Always. Love you too.”
~
David was heading up the front steps of St. Clare’s when he ran into Colby coming down them. David gave a wave. “Hey man. Watcha doing here?”
“Just thought I’d drop in on Charlie. See how he’s holding up.”
“On your day off?”
“Like I’ve got a life.”
“Well, that’s true. How’s he doing?”
“Weird.”
David quickly got nervous. “Define weird?”
“He’s acting like nothing’s going on. I mean Don and Alan are also in there, but he was dropping tells all over the place.”
“What kind of tells?”
“You know how he rubs his middle finger when he’s bluffing like mad in poker, you know he’s either got a royal flush or nothing?”
“Yeah?”
“Well he was doing that the whole time I was in there.”
“Maybe he’s getting out?”
“He didn’t say anything. Anyway I’ve got to take my truck in to get smog checked. You try to figure it out.”
“Sure. I’ll see you on Monday.”
As David signed himself in he wondered what it could be that Charlie was trying to desperately keep quiet about. From a distance Charlie seemed pretty relaxed sitting in the afternoon sun chatting with Don and Alan. He waved from across the room and David joined the Eppes.
“Hey everyone, how’s it going?”
“Oh fine,” Alan replied.
“We were just discussing Charlie’s illustrious baseball career,” Don added.
David looked to Charlie with surprise. “You played baseball?”
“One season of little league when I was seven.”
“What position?”
“Relief pitcher,” Charlie stated flatly.
Now David was really surprised. “Seriously?”
“Chuck didn’t have a half bad arm on him. Slowest pitches in the league but he could throw a natural 12-6 curve ball.”
“Funny thing is I can’t throw one now for love or money. Completely overthink it.”
“I’m sure you could work it out again.”
Charlie shrugged. “Mainly I was just there to throw junk balls at the nine and ten year olds. My pitches were so slow they’d just swing and screw themselves into the plate a half hour before the ball got close.”
Don gave Charlie a little nudge. “Hey, those junk balls won you a few games.”
“And my batting lost us more than a few games.”
“Your batting would have been fine, you just needed to stop thinking.” Both David and Charlie laughed.
“Sure Don, because not thinking is what I am so very, very good at. I creature of pure instinct that’s me.”
“You’re getting better. You at least know when to duck and run these days.”
“True.”
Don looked at his watch. “And speaking of ducking and running, I’ve got to meet Robin. She wants to Talk.”
“Ouch. Good luck.”
Don gave Charlie’s hair a little ruffle. “I’ll see you later, Buddy.”
David watched as Charlie rubbed at the middle finger of his right hand. “Yeah, you too.”
“So why’d you only play one season?” David asked once Don had left.
“Somebody thought it was too dangerous,” Charlie stated while giving his father the hard eye.
“That was your mother’s call. I wanted you to keep playing. I thought it was good for you even if your batting did need work.”
Charlie pinched his lips still glaring at his father.
“What happened?” David asked.
“I got a little bump on the head our last game.”
“It was more than a little bump Charlie. It was a serious concussion.”
“It was a bump. I was on the mound and the batter had managed to time out my Eephus pitch so instead of screwing himself into the plate he knocked it right back at me. I took my eye off the ball for a moment because I thought the guy on third was going to try to steal home and I got knocked on the side of the head.”
David winced. “Ouch.”
“I was out for like two minutes.”
“Or twenty,” Alan added.
“And it was decided that my brain was not to be risked in oh so dangerous activities like little league.”
“Like I said it was your mother’s decision.”
Charlie just waved dismissively in his father’s direction.
“Hey, sign ups for the Bureau team are going up in a couple of weeks. They could probably use someone to run stats again.”
Charlie rubbed at this finger. “If I’m out I’ll talk with whoever is coaching this year.”
“After last year they should be glad for all the help they can get,” Alan said tersely. Don hadn’t been able to play the previous season and Charlie had a falling out with the coach and in the end the Bureau came in bottom of the table including embarrassing losses to the county sheriffs and the local EPA team.
Alan’s watch beeped.
“Got somewhere to be?” Charlie asked.
“Actually, if you don’t mind I promised Larry I’d help him start looking for someplace to live, other than his office, our garage and the occasional city park.”
“Sure thing.” Charlie’s face got suddenly sad. “Actually, I guess Amita’s moved all her stuff out by now.”
Pain danced across Alan’s face. “Charlie...”
“It’s okay. Tell Larry if he wants the solarium it’s available. I mean we could probably both use the company and let’s face it, it doesn’t matter where Larry lives as long as I’m helping out with the math for his theory he’s practically going to be living there anyway.”
Alan smiled. “I’ll mention it to him and I’ll say hi for you.”
“Thanks.”
Alan gave Charlie a hug then gave David a quick pat on the shoulder and headed out. David watched as Charlie almost instantly relaxed. “So what’s up, what’s going on?”
Charlie chewed on his lip for a moment. “I’m getting out.”
David could not have stopped the smile that rushed across his face if his life depended on it. “That’s great.” He pulled Charlie into a hug. “That’s incredible. When?”
“Sunday. After visiting hours.”
“I’m so proud of you.” Charlie pulled away his face dark. “What’s wrong?”
“I haven’t told anyone. I didn’t tell Don or my Dad. I...” Charlie took a deep breath. “I’m... Could I go home with you tomorrow afternoon?”
David wanted to shout yes for a hundred different reasons. “Sure, I guess, if that’s what you want.”
“I’m just... I’m not ready David. I’m not going to survive just leaping back in. If I could just crash on your couch or something for the night so I can reacclimate a little. I’ll go home Monday morning I just can’t go straight from here to there.”
David pulled Charlie close again and resisted the urge to tell him that he could stay as long as he liked. “It’s not a problem. I’ll pick you up and we can order Chinese and watch a movie.”
Charlie’s eyes closed. “You have no idea how good that sounds.” David ran his hand up and down Charlie’s back a few times. “David?”
“Yes?”
“I’m scared.”
“You’ve said that.”
“No.” Charlie’s voice was small and fearful in a way David hadn’t heard in weeks. “I’m scared David. That’s why I did it. That’s what I tried to explain in the note I wrote you. I am fucking terrified.” David held Charlie away from him a little so he could get a good look at Charlie’s face. “David I’ve never been scared. Not really. I was never scared of monsters under the bed because I didn’t believe in them. Thunder and lightening, I understood the science. I’ve had little fears, bullies, gym teachers, frat boys but nothing I couldn’t think my way out of. Even the claustrophobia, I can force my rational brain to override the irrational if I really, really need to. Even when my mother was dying I wasn’t afraid. Angry, but not afraid. The closest thing I’ve ever felt to this kind of fear was when Don was stabbed but I had a case then, I had numbers, data I could follow, the same when Amita was taken but... There’s always been numbers, some odds, some data, some math, something.” Charlie ran out of breath his face contorted into a mask of terror. “That day, it was like there was just static in my head. There were no more numbers,” he whispered.
David finally began to understand. Charlie hadn’t just had a crisis of identity he’d had a crisis of faith. One of the first things he’d learned from Charlie after Even isn’t the same as Random and Don’t Play Lotto was Numbers are Everything. For Charlie to not have numbers was a high priest declaring that there is no god.
He cupped Charlie’s face in his hands since he could think of nothing to say.
“I feel like I’m in the woods David. I’ve been on a bright, wide, sunny path my whole life and all of a sudden it’s dark and I’m lost and I still can’t find a path and I am still so scared and they’re going to send me back out into the world and I know I need to be there, and there are things I need to do but I am terrified.” Charlie’s voice was high and cracked.
David pulled Charlie back in close again. “I’m here, Charlie. Okay? I know you feel lost but I’m right here next to you and I’m not going anywhere and the thing is, yeah the sun does go down but the sun also comes back up and just ‘cause there’s not a path doesn’t mean you’re lost, just means you’ve found some place new. And I’m here, okay, and the numbers are coming back already, you know that.”
Charlie was squeezing as tight as he could. “I’m afraid to go home, David,” Charlie whispered. “I’m afraid of everyone out there. I’m afraid of Don, I’m afraid of my father, I’m scared shitless of seeing Amita again. I’m terrified of going back to work, facing my students, the other staff.” David could feel Charlie’s heart racing like it was trying to leap out of his chest. “What am I going to tell people? What do I say?”
David stroked his hand along Charlie’s back hoping he would calm down before working himself into a full blown panic attack. “You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to tell people anything. If you want someone to know something then that’s fine but if you don’t then it’s none of their business. You’re still Doctor Charles Eppes. I know you’re having problems with that, but that name of yours still means a lot and that’s not going to change.” Charlie didn’t say anything, just held on tighter. “Charlie, are you scared of me?” Charlie looked up at David. “You said you’re afraid of everyone, are you scared of me?”
“No.” Charlie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“Well then that’s a start.” Charlie buried his face back into David’s chest. “How about Colby?” Charlie didn’t say anything or move for a long time then shook his head. “Okay. That’s two people and we’ve both got your back.” Charlie’s pulse didn’t seem to be thumping quite as hard and his breath was slowing a bit. David kept up the slow steady strokes.
“I asked Dr. Flores for a prescription of Xanax or Valium or something,” Charlie mumbled his face still against David’s chest.
“Did he give you one?”
“No. He said I also shouldn’t drink for a while.”
David stroked Charlie’s head. “Poor baby.” Charlie said something David couldn’t make out but was willing to bet it was rude. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you will be okay. It’s going to take time. It’s going to be hard but you’re an Eppes and if there is one thing I’ve learned over the last six years it’s that no matter what the world throws at you lot you are all damn near indestructible.”
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