Who We Are (3/35)
Title: Who We Are (3/35)
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 5,702
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - Charlie’s in the hospital, David’s on the couch.
Previous Chapters:1 2
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. Doctor Bradford puts in an appearance here. He’s actually going to show up several time for those of you who like him.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 3
David could barely see through the steam. His shoes echoed off the cement floor. He wandered down each row of lockers. Beneath the echo of his shoes he could just hear soft, thin, sobbing. He found the showers at the end of the last row of lockers all running hot. A small, thin body, curled into a tight ball was huddled under the streams of water. The sobs echoed off the tiled walls and seemed to come from everywhere now and the water running down the drain was tinted red.
David opened his eyes and fumbled with his phone trying to turn off the alarm. His head was pounding and if felt like something had died in his mouth.
Once the incessant beeping of the phone’s alarm was turned off David picked up the note that had been sitting by his phone along with a glass of water and what looked like a couple of Tylenol.
Hitting the office early.
Talked to Don.
You have the day off.
Colby
David blinked at the note a couple of times then checked his phone. There was a message from Don also telling him not to come in. David was willing to believe that Don was not following his own advice however and was probably already nose deep in the day’s paperwork.
David swallowed the Tylenol and tried to think through the day to come. His car was still at Charlie’s place along with all his clean clothes. He knew he couldn’t avoid the house but he wanted to. He didn’t even want to think about the previous day. It would be a toss up as to which image haunted him the longest. Charlie on that bathroom floor, Charlie surrounded by doctors and nurses barely viable, or Charlie strapped to the hospital bed like some prisoner.
He closed his eyes and for a second and hoped sleep would over take him again but years of discipline won out. And a shower, a cab ride, and a change of clothes later David was flashing his badge at the duty nurse in ICU.
Charlie was still in his bed, presumably still asleep. He looked almost peaceful except for a little crease between his eyes. There were still tubes and wires hooked up to him and David could see the straps running from under the bed up under the blanket. Alan was sitting quietly by Charlie’s side just staring at his son. David couldn’t imagine what Alan must be thinking. He’d probably spent years preparing himself to get a call about Don, but that was the situation every FBI parent was in. David wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to say to Alan now. When Don had been the one laying in ICU at least he could tell Alan they were on the case, they would find the person who hurt his son and bring them to justice.
David grabbed a spare chair and sat down next to Alan. “How is he?” he asked softly.
Alan just shrugged. “I think they’re keeping him sedated.” He reached out and brushed an errant curl from Charlie’s forehead.
“Have you slept any?”
Alan shook his head. “I just keep going over everything. Every moment of Charlie’s life, trying to figure out what I missed, what I said, what I didn’t say. A father should know these things. How he could have thought...”
David saw Charlie’s face give the smallest twitch. “Alan, why don’t you go get yourself some coffee. I’ll stay with him for a while.”
Alan ever so softly touched his son’s face then got up. “Thank you.”
David watched Alan walk down the row of the injured, sick and dying.
“He’s gone, you can stop faking it.”
“How could you tell?” Charlie mumbled keeping his eyes shut.
“You have a lousy poker face.” Charlie opened his eyes. “How’d you sleep?”
“Didn’t. I can’t sleep on my back. Always feel like I’m suffocating. Then my back starts to ache and itch.”
“Need anything scratched?” David offered.
“Actually,” Charlie pushed himself up on his elbows a little. “If you could just get right between my shoulder blades?”
David stood and reached behind and under Charlie. He didn’t scratch too hard and Charlie’s head rolled back.
“Oh god, yes, right there.” David gave as much of Charlie’s back as he could reach a good scratch before Charlie collapsed back down again. “Thank you.”
“No problem.”
Charlie stared at the ceiling for a bit a slight smile on his face before frowning suddenly. “Why aren’t you at work?”
“Don gave me the day off.”
Charlie closed his eyes. “I’m sorry David,” he said his voice suddenly small again. “You weren’t... It wasn’t supposed to be you.”
“Who was it supposed to be then, your father or your brother?” Charlie turned his head away from David. “It would have killed either of them and you know it.” Charlie didn’t say anything. David remained silent himself just watching Charlie. David wanted to gather him up more than just about anything. Hold him close, fulfill that adolescent fantasy of touching and being held.
David kept his hands firmly in his lap. It seemed like every time he touched Charlie things just got worse.
“David,” Charlie finally whispered.
“Yes?”
“I’m scared. I am so scared.”
David swallowed down the pain that crawled up his throat. “Scared of what?”
“Everything.”
He reached out and let his hand settle on Charlie’s curls. “I’m here. It’ll be okay.”
Charlie’s body trembled for a moment. “What am I supposed to do now? I can’t...
“You’re supposed to get better.”
“Tried that. Didn’t work.”
A long sigh escaped David’s lungs. “That’s because you were trying to fix something that wasn’t broken and you know that. You are an educated, open minded adult. If... If Colby came in here and announced he was gay you wouldn’t have a problem with it would you?”
“No,” Charlie answered quickly.
“Fine, so why do you have a problem with yourself?” Charlie didn’t answer but finally turned back to look at David. “It’s something you should think about.”
“Thank you Dr. Sinclair.”
David snorted but took sarcasm as a good sign. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a folded up magazine. “I brought you a math journal, for when you get your hands free.”
Charlie pulled at his straps a little. “That’s not going to happen anytime soon.”
“I’m sure they’ll let you up later today.”
Charlie shook his head. “One of the orderlies told me they unstrapped a guy about a year ago and he managed to get a hold of a scalpel. The hospital just settled out of court with the family for like 60 million or something so there are orders not to let any crazies go until they’re someone else’s problem.”
David cringed. “Well, I’ll come by every day to scratch your back.”
Charlie smiled. “Willing to take a crack at reading me that journal while you’re at it?”
David looked at the journal in his hand. “Only if you tell me what all the little squiggly math bits are called ‘cause it all looks Greek to me.”
“Most of it is Greek.”
“Well, that would be why then, wouldn’t it?”
~
By the time Alan got back Charlie had David making notes in the margins of the first article while giving a running commentary on why the authors of it were idiots. It was a little surprising. David had seen Charlie snipe at that Penfield guy but from the sounds of it Charlie did not have any great love for many of his fellow mathematicians.
Alan looked at the article. “Ah. Dr. Ferguson has struck again.”
Charlie snorted. “Doctor my ass. David has a better grounding in classic mathematical principle. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“That idiot should be stripped of his letters and flogged naked in the street.”
Alan let out a long sigh. “Charlie, you were thirteen. Can you let it go?”
“I have never cheated in my life and that moron who whored his way into his doctorate has put a permanent smudge on my reputation as a scientist. So, No. I will let it go when I have shown the world that that fuckwhit is only good for teaching middle school math in Fresno.”
David winced. That was tantamount to condemning someone to the third circle of hell.
Alan patted Charlie’s arm. “At least you have a long term goal.”
David stuck around for a few more hours until an orthopedic surgeon arrived along with Charlie’s lunch.
David gave Charlie’s hand a squeeze and promised to come back in the morning. After that David drove to the office. He sat in his car for a long time staring at nothing, thinking about Charlie, thinking about how bad he wanted to hold Charlie. The temptation had been so strong, to undo those straps, gather Charlie up, run away with him some place safe for just the two of them.
David took a deep, ragged breath pushing down feelings that hadn’t existed since he left Tel Aviv. Charlie hadn’t shown any interest in him. That one desperate kiss had been just that, a mindless act of desperation. It hadn’t meant anything.
David jumped at a tap on his window. He rolled down the window and Don leaned in. “Thought I gave you the day off.”
“And what was I supposed to do with it?”
Don shrugged a little. He looked exhausted and old as if one night had put a decade on him. David wondered how he looked. “I’m going to see Charlie.”
“I dropped by this morning.”
“How is he?”
“Frothing at the mouth over some guy named Ferguson.”
Don barked with laughter. “The arch nemesis. He accused Charlie of cheating years ago since no thirteen year old could possibly be that good and Charlie has never forgiven him.”
“And never will.”
“Oh.” Don reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope with David’s name on it. “Dad found it on Charlie’s bed last night.”
David stared at the envelope. His name was written in big block letters like a child might and the hand that had written it had been shaking. He tore the envelope in half and handed it back to Don. “If Charlie wants to say something to me he can say it to my face.”
Don dropped his head. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know. Everything, nothing. I just feel like I should be apologizing.” Don shook his head. “No. Thank you. That’s what I need to say. Thank you.”
“I got lucky. Right place, right time.”
“I don’t know what I would have done if...” He leaned on the car rubbing at his face. “I don’t know how many really bad nights I’ve spent staring at my gun. Even took a taste of gun oil a few times but my finger never got near that trigger, not really. How could Charlie have just... done it?”
It was on the list of questions David had been asking himself as well. He thanked God Charlie had gone for a knife rather than Don’s spare gun that was kept at the house. Or David’s spare gun which was at the house as well. “How many perfectly steady agents have you known that have just eaten their guns one day?”
“A few, yeah, but Charlie’s not an agent.”
David snorted. “Sell me another one, Don. He’s got everything but the badge. He’s got, what, over a hundred cases now? Best conviction rate in the business. He shoots 290 and gets out of bed at 3 AM to poke at dead bodies with the rest of us.”
“Okay, I get it.”
“And,” David continued. “I’ll lay you dollars to doughnuts it’s the part of his life he likes the best.”
“And how sad a statement is that?” Don went around the other side of David’s car and got in. He didn’t look at David and David got the feeling he just wanted to sit down. “You know when Charlie was little he used to follow me around everywhere. First steps he took he was trying to follow me. I loved it. Thought it was great. Like having my own little fan club. Then one day he did my math homework for me. Then he finished my math book. Then he was in classes with me, then classes above me. And suddenly I didn’t want him any more.” David felt his chest clench as Don’s voice cracked. “He was weird and wrong and annoying and asked too many questions I couldn’t answer and was always getting me into fights and...” Don sucked in a deep breath. “Oh god I fucked up.”
“We all fucked up, Don.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Serious, Don. I should have seen it coming I mean, your mother passes away Charlie locks himself in the garage and does math. You nearly get shot, Charlie locks himself in the garage and does math. You get stabbed, Charlie locks himself in the War Room and does a lot of math. Amita walks out and he gets up in the morning and takes a shower and puts on a clean suit and goes to work like nothing happened. I was staring right at it. I should have called the men in the white coats myself.”
Don snorted. “Our Mom sent Charlie to a shrink when he was like ten or something ‘cause she was worried about the pressure getting to him. Charlie ate the guy alive.”
“Well now he’s going to get help whether he likes it or not.”
“Yeah.” Don looked at his watch. “I should go see Charlie. God knows what I’m going to say to him.”
“Start with Hi. Go from there.”
“Thanks. Oh. I haven’t told the girls. Haven’t told anyone really. I mean I don’t want to air Charlie’s dirty laundry while he’s still strapped down...”
“He’ll probably appreciate that.”
Don got out of the car. “Go home, David. Get some extra sleep. You look like you could use it.”
“Look in the mirror, Don. Take your own advice.”
“Soon as I can find the time.”
~
David stared at the chess board. It was only half assembled. The pieces of his failed campaign still sat at the edge waiting to be replaced for another game. David heard the door open and looked up. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring at the board. Most of the afternoon judging by the ache in his back.
Alan came in and David really looked. Alan looked old. Far older than when they first met and now he seemed bent under the weight of the last couple of days. He sat down hard on the other side of the chess board but didn’t say anything. He just stared at the board as well.
“How’s Charlie?” David finally asked when the ticking of the clock on the wall had somehow become oppressively loud.
“The surgeon came by. They’re going to take him into surgery first thing in the morning. 7 AM. He did a lot of nerve damage, messed up the tendon a little, the artery of course. They’re going to fix as much as they can but he probably won’t get full use of his hand back. It’ll always be a little weak they said.”
“I’ll try to come and see him before he goes in.”
Alan nodded then took a deep breath and slapped his hands down on his thighs. “Have you eaten?”
“Not really.”
“Right, food it is then.” Without any other comment or even asking if David was hungry Alan puttered off to the kitchen. David took a deep breath himself and followed.
~
David snuck quietly past the nurses into Charlie’s little corner of the hospital. They would wake him up soon for pre-op stuff. He couldn’t tell if Charlie was asleep or just had his eyes closed. He sat down in the chair by the bed. It squeaked a little and Charlie’s eyes opened.
“Hey,” David whispered. “Need your back scratched?” Charlie smiled and nodded pushing himself up on his elbows. David reached under and scratched. Charlie’s head rolled back and he moaned just a little. David clenched his teeth together. The eroticism in that tiny sound went into David’s ears, bypassed his brain and headed south. He scratched a little harder and Charlie made a sound between a sigh and a whimper. Anyone else David would have accused of teasing but he was sure Charlie had no idea what he was doing, how unconsciously sexy he was even strapped to a hospital bed. Finally Charlie sighed and David stopped.
“Thank you,” Charlie whispered lowering himself back down.
“No problem. How are you doing?”
Charlie shrugged. “Hospital shrink agreed that I should be spending a little time in the funny farm.”
“Think of it as a vacation.”
“A potentially permanent one.”
“I seriously doubt that. You are perfectly sane. You just had a... laps in judgment there.”
Charlie turned his head away. “The guy two beds over, he died in the night. 3AM his heart stopped and didn’t start. His wife was with him, holding his hand. I could hear her crying over the sound of the doctors working. He went to get milk. Ended up getting a double barrel shotgun in the gut. And people wonder why I’m an atheist. God makes no logical sense but I wouldn’t want to believe in a god that has a hand in this world.”
David put a hand on Charlie’s head. His hair was feeling a little greasy and it was getting snarled, especially in the back. He tried to smooth it down a little.
“I’m sorry, Charlie.”
Charlie looked back at him. “For what?”
David shrugged. He wasn’t really sure. He was sure he had lots to apologize for. “Everything I did wrong.”
A deep frown cut into Charlie’s face. “I’m the one who stuck a knife in my wrist?”
“Yeah, but... I knew you weren’t in a good place. I should have... I don’t know. It shouldn’t have come to that.”
“You’re not my keeper, David.”
David jolted a little. Charlie was right of course but that thought hadn’t crossed David’s mind once. For days now, ever since that late night confession of teenage love David had been wanting to do nothing more than be Charlie’s keeper. He wanted to keep him safe, sane, hold him and not let him go until the world became a better, more accepting place.
David brushed a bit of hair from Charlie’s forehead. “Maybe I’m interested in the job.”
Charlie snorted. “You don’t get to be Director of the FBI babysitting gay, suicidal, mathematicians.”
“I don’t know. You make my arrest rate look pretty good and from what I hear the current director is pretty impressed with your stuff.”
“I hate to say it but the current director failed college algebra.”
“How do you know that?”
Charlie grinned. “I’m a tenured professor. I have access to permanent academic records.”
David was shocked at the plain fear that hit him at the words ‘permanent academic record’. “That English teacher was out to get me,” he said quickly.
“I haven’t looked up yours, though the next time you’re on stake out with Colby ask him about that modern dance elective.”
“Modern dance?”
“He got a B+.”
David was still contemplating the thought of his partner jumping around in tights when the nurses came in and shooed him out. He gave Charlie’s hand a squeeze as he left and promised to come back in the evening.
~
David glanced at the clock on his computer. It was nearly 9:30 and he was still catching up on a day’s worth of missed paperwork after he and Don had ‘food poisoning’. He wondered how long the surgery was going to take. Alan was waiting at the hospital. Colby had volunteered to wait with Alan and Don had vanished early saying he had somewhere to be leaving David in charge.
David turned around to the tap on his shoulder. Don stood there looking ragged like he’d been crying. David’s heart lept into his throat and Don must have read his face.
“No word on Charlie, yet,” he said quickly. “It’s pretty fiddly work, nerves and stuff. They said it’ll take a few hours. Here,” Don pushed a scrap of paper into David’s hand. “Don’t be late.”
~
David settled into the couch and looked at Dr. Bradford. Bradford looked right back. “Well, go ahead.”
David was confused. “Um, go ahead with what?”
“Whatever you need to say.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on here. Don just gave me a piece of paper with a time and an office number on it.”
“So you’re fine?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Don’t need to talk to anyone?”
“I’m fine,” David repeated.
“So you found one of your friends nearly dead on the bathroom floor the other day ‘cause he opened his wrist, ended up covered in his blood while just barely saving his life but you’re fine?”
David was on his feet and on his way to the door in a split second. “I don’t need to be here.”
“If you go back to the office Eppes is just going to send you right back down so you might as well sit here in silence for the next 57 minutes and save yourself the trip.” David’s hand hovered over the door knob. He felt it tremble. “Why don’t you do me a favor as well and sit down and talk to me.”
“How’s that doing you a favor?”
“Honestly, I’ve meet Charlie a few times, I like the guy, the fact that he did what he did is bugging the hell out of me and I barely know him. I’m trying to understand what happened and as far as I’ve heard you probably know more than anyone about what went down.”
David just shrugged a bit. “I needed to grab a shower, change my clothes, opened the bathroom door and there was Charlie and a lot of blood.”
Bradford shook his head and motioned David back towards the couch. “Nah. Suicides are a process. Things build up and up until something tips the whole pile over. We only know in retrospect that we saw it happening.”
“Why don’t you go down to the hospital and ask Charlie this?”
“I’m asking you.”
David sat back down. It didn’t feel right talking about Charlie’s problems. “You’re not going to spread this around?”
“Not allowed and I wouldn’t. Now, what was the first problem you saw?”
David thought about Charlie’s first problem and felt the blood go to his cheeks. “That I saw? This is embarrassing.”
“I’m sure I’ve heard worse.”
“Oh I doubt it. Charlie... after he proposed to Amita he... uh... ended up with a little case of... Mr. Floopy, you know.” David couldn’t help the slightly juvenile miming.
Bradford to his credit only raised an eyebrow. “Well, that happens to everyone.”
“Yeah, except his didn’t go away. We’re talking six months.”
Bradford cringed. “Six months? Shit. Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“And he actually told you about this?”
“Yes.”
“Can I ask what the situation was? I mean was he drunk?”
“No,” David snapped. “It was like 4 AM. I’d gotten off a stakeout. I mean I was sleep walking. I got back to the house, the light was on in Charlie’s room. I just peeked in for a second ‘cause I thought I heard something and he was... well...” David made a couple of hand gestures feeling even more juvenile about it.
“Gottcha.”
“I mean I was going to leave,” David said quickly, “Just... he was crying and it wasn’t working...” David felt his chest squeeze as he fell into the memories of that night. “And I was going to leave but... He was bleeding. He rubbed until he bled. I couldn’t let him do that, I mean he was hurting himself.”
“You interrupted?”
“He was bleeding,” David said again. It was his only justification for walking into that room outside of his own desire for Charlie.
“What did he do when you interrupted?”
“Cried. I’ve never... I mean Charlie is tough. I know Don makes him out to be just his baby brother but I’ve been in a fire fight with the guy. We put life and death pressure on him every case and he holds up well as any.”
“You’ve got a lot of respect for him.”
“Yeah, yeah, we all do.”
“So seeing him like that?”
David sighed. He knew he’d been had. “Seeing him like that.” David cursed himself. Even as Charlie had been weeping he had wanted him. He could still remember how warm Charlie’s body had been in his arms, in that bed and how cold that same body had been on that bathroom floor, the blood pouring out.
“He told me what was wrong. I just wanted to help,” David lied to himself.
“Of course you did.”
“We were talking. I asked...” David dropped his face to his hands. “I should have just left. He’d be... Oh god.” David squeezed his eyes shut. The guilt was rising up in waves, nearly choking him.
“What did you ask?” Bradford gently prompted.
“I asked who his first crush was. Just... I made him admit to it.”
“Admit to what?”
“A man. An older boy in Don’s class. Jesse Presman. And once I had the answer, he had the answer and his body started reacting and...” David did his best to choke down the acid that rolled up from his stomach. “He’s just a child. Oh God, I shouldn’t be allowed near him.”
“Last I checked Charlie Eppes is an adult.”
David shook his head. “No, he’s... He’s only twelve. The last time he let himself have a real desire, a normal fantasy he was twelve. Don told him he was a freak and he believed it, he tried to fix himself. He... One fantasy of Jesse holding him, touching his face, not even sex, so what the fuck do I do?” David felt his voice crack.
“What did you do?”
“I touched his face,” David whispered. “I touched his body, his... And once he’d let go I pushed him away. He kissed me and I pushed him away. Told him we couldn’t. Like I was taking some kind of fucking moral high ground. Sexually he’s twelve and I touched him ‘cause I’ve been wanting to touch him for years then I fucking run away and left him to his own over sized brain that some how justified death as an option preferable to facing his own actual wants and he’s a fucking atheist. He wasn’t trying to send himself to heaven or hell or some other life.” David wiped at his eyes that were suddenly blurry. “He was trying to completely end it and if I’d just walked away...”
“Do you really believe Charlie’s life would have continued on perfectly happy if you had walked away?”
“I...” David stumbled under the weight of mounting guilt. “I honestly believe that if I hadn’t asked him who his first crush was he wouldn’t have tried to kill himself.”
Bradford let out a long slow breath. “Okay. Well, that’s going to be a lot of guilt to hull around. What are you going to do about it?”
“Aren’t you supposed to tell me?”
“Nope.”
David rubbed at his face. He suddenly felt exhausted. “I shouldn’t be near him.”
“Why not?”
“I might try to...” David didn’t want to say it.
“Touch him?”
“He’s a child.”
“He’s an adult and yes he’s probably a bit behind the curve right now but once he gets his head back on straight, no pun intended, he’s going to realize that he’s an adult with adult desires just like you.”
David curled in on himself. Oh yes he had adult desires and he wanted to show them to Charlie in the worst kind of way.
“I was happy,” David whispered. “How sick is that? He’s a friend and he’s sobbing in my arms and a part of me was actually happy ‘cause he once had a crush on a guy 20 years ago.”
Bradford didn’t answer. He just looked at David for a long time until David felt himself start to squirm a bit. “How long have you been attracted to Charlie?” he finally asked.
David shrugged a bit. “I don’t know. About five minutes after I met him?”
“Before the other night did you ever approach him? Ask him out? Make a pass?”
“No,” David answered quickly.
“Why not?”
“Lots of reasons.”
“Such as?”
“All the cute ones are straight and taken? Bad career move to hit on your boss’ little brother. Worse career move to hit on your boss’ little brother when you’re male. Just wasn’t really ready for a long time.”
Bradford frowned. “What does that mean? Not ready?”
David sighed. That was more territory he didn’t really want to get into. “Um... Couple weeks before I started in LA my... boyfriend, I guess, was struck by a car. Killed. By the time I was up for dating again Charlie was sort of starting things with Amita and Claudia and I were getting along pretty well so... Always put the career before romance anyway.”
“And how’s that working out?”
“Well up until the other night just fine, thank you.”
Bradford leaned forward and looked at David. David started feeling like he was an interesting specimen or something. “What do you want, David?”
“What do you mean?”
“Long term goals. Career?”
“Well, I hear the Director’s office has a pretty good view.”
“That’s a pretty serious goal.”
“Don’t think I can do it?”
Bradford just shrugged a little. “Probably, if you want. I’ve never gotten the impression that you’re a politics guy and historically it’s usually the ones who play the game that get that office.” David knew Bradford was right. You don’t get the big job by being the best field agent out there. If anything that’s how you get left in the field. “How about family? Marriage? Kids?”
“Haven’t really thought about it,” David lied.
“Bullshit. Everyone thinks about it.”
“They’re not high on my list of priorities. I mean if the right person comes around...”
“And if the right person’s male? Might make it a little harder to get that big office with a view.”
“You know you’re the second person today to say something like that to me.” David hadn’t really thought about it. He hadn’t had a man in his bed since leaving Tel Aviv and few dates of any kind since. “I don’t know. The world is changing. Twenty years ago half the ADs were Mormon and all of them were men. We’ve got a couple of women now, a little ethnic diversity happening, and frankly I’ve seen those pictures of Hover at Mardi Gras. I don’t know who he thought he was fooling.”
Bradford laughed. “Think the Bureau should embrace tradition?”
“Why not?” David rubbed at his face. His eyes were burning and for once he hoped it was just allergies. “Honestly right now all I can think about is the fact that Charlie’s in surgery and in a few days they’re going to lock him in some inpatient facility where...”
“Where you can’t take care of him?”
David curled in on himself again. “I feel like I did after Colby confessed to treason. Like there are a million things I should have seen but didn’t and a million things I should have said but didn’t and if I could violate every law of physics and go back in time I wouldn’t let Charlie out of my sight. Not for a moment.”
“You know you’re not the first person today to express those sentiments.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“David, there are no time machines. So what are you going to do ‘cause you can’t change what’s happened?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay. What do you want to be doing? Right now this very second.”
“I want to be with Charlie.”
“Just be with him?”
“I want to be holding him.”
“Why?”
“Because he fits in my arms just right and if I’m holding him then nothing can hurt him.”
“Including himself?”
David dropped his head. “Including himself,” he whispered.
~
David slid into the plastic chair by Charlie’s bed. The post op nurse said he could have ten minutes tops. Don and Alan had already had their visits. Charlie’s arm was even more thickly bandaged than before but someone missed the memo and the straps that had held him down were gone.
“Hey,” David whispered softly just in case Charlie was asleep. Charlie’s eyes came open slowly. They were glazed and unfocused.
“Hey.”
“How are you?”
A blissful smile crawled across Charlie’s face. “Good drugs. Feel dumb. It’s nice.”
“Well don’t get too used to them.”
Charlie frowned and pouted a little. “Scratch my back?” His voice was small and child like. David couldn’t resist.
“Sure, let me at it.”
Charlie rolled away from David and David reached under the sheet. Charlie started moaning almost instantly as David worked his way down Charlie’s back and back up again. He bit his own tongue until he thought it might bleed, the pain working to counteract the unbelievably sexy sounds Charlie was making.
Finally David couldn’t take it any more and stopped. Charlie rolled back onto his back and David had to quickly advert his eyes. Charlie was pitching a tent in the hospital sheet, the drug fuelled, blissed out smile back on his face. “Thank you,” Charlie mumbled.
“Any time,” David replied focusing his eyes on Charlie’s hair line.
“It’s nice when you touch me. You’re warm and...” Charlie fell asleep mid sentence.
David let out a long breath. A small part of his mind began formulating an escape plan. It involved sneaking both him and Charlie out of the hospital and being south of the border before Don could put out an APB. He knew it was stupid but he was in the mood for romantically stupid so he quickly looked around then put a tiny kiss on Charlie’s forehead. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”
Previous Next
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 5,702
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - Charlie’s in the hospital, David’s on the couch.
Previous Chapters:1 2
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. Doctor Bradford puts in an appearance here. He’s actually going to show up several time for those of you who like him.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 3
David could barely see through the steam. His shoes echoed off the cement floor. He wandered down each row of lockers. Beneath the echo of his shoes he could just hear soft, thin, sobbing. He found the showers at the end of the last row of lockers all running hot. A small, thin body, curled into a tight ball was huddled under the streams of water. The sobs echoed off the tiled walls and seemed to come from everywhere now and the water running down the drain was tinted red.
David opened his eyes and fumbled with his phone trying to turn off the alarm. His head was pounding and if felt like something had died in his mouth.
Once the incessant beeping of the phone’s alarm was turned off David picked up the note that had been sitting by his phone along with a glass of water and what looked like a couple of Tylenol.
Hitting the office early.
Talked to Don.
You have the day off.
Colby
David blinked at the note a couple of times then checked his phone. There was a message from Don also telling him not to come in. David was willing to believe that Don was not following his own advice however and was probably already nose deep in the day’s paperwork.
David swallowed the Tylenol and tried to think through the day to come. His car was still at Charlie’s place along with all his clean clothes. He knew he couldn’t avoid the house but he wanted to. He didn’t even want to think about the previous day. It would be a toss up as to which image haunted him the longest. Charlie on that bathroom floor, Charlie surrounded by doctors and nurses barely viable, or Charlie strapped to the hospital bed like some prisoner.
He closed his eyes and for a second and hoped sleep would over take him again but years of discipline won out. And a shower, a cab ride, and a change of clothes later David was flashing his badge at the duty nurse in ICU.
Charlie was still in his bed, presumably still asleep. He looked almost peaceful except for a little crease between his eyes. There were still tubes and wires hooked up to him and David could see the straps running from under the bed up under the blanket. Alan was sitting quietly by Charlie’s side just staring at his son. David couldn’t imagine what Alan must be thinking. He’d probably spent years preparing himself to get a call about Don, but that was the situation every FBI parent was in. David wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to say to Alan now. When Don had been the one laying in ICU at least he could tell Alan they were on the case, they would find the person who hurt his son and bring them to justice.
David grabbed a spare chair and sat down next to Alan. “How is he?” he asked softly.
Alan just shrugged. “I think they’re keeping him sedated.” He reached out and brushed an errant curl from Charlie’s forehead.
“Have you slept any?”
Alan shook his head. “I just keep going over everything. Every moment of Charlie’s life, trying to figure out what I missed, what I said, what I didn’t say. A father should know these things. How he could have thought...”
David saw Charlie’s face give the smallest twitch. “Alan, why don’t you go get yourself some coffee. I’ll stay with him for a while.”
Alan ever so softly touched his son’s face then got up. “Thank you.”
David watched Alan walk down the row of the injured, sick and dying.
“He’s gone, you can stop faking it.”
“How could you tell?” Charlie mumbled keeping his eyes shut.
“You have a lousy poker face.” Charlie opened his eyes. “How’d you sleep?”
“Didn’t. I can’t sleep on my back. Always feel like I’m suffocating. Then my back starts to ache and itch.”
“Need anything scratched?” David offered.
“Actually,” Charlie pushed himself up on his elbows a little. “If you could just get right between my shoulder blades?”
David stood and reached behind and under Charlie. He didn’t scratch too hard and Charlie’s head rolled back.
“Oh god, yes, right there.” David gave as much of Charlie’s back as he could reach a good scratch before Charlie collapsed back down again. “Thank you.”
“No problem.”
Charlie stared at the ceiling for a bit a slight smile on his face before frowning suddenly. “Why aren’t you at work?”
“Don gave me the day off.”
Charlie closed his eyes. “I’m sorry David,” he said his voice suddenly small again. “You weren’t... It wasn’t supposed to be you.”
“Who was it supposed to be then, your father or your brother?” Charlie turned his head away from David. “It would have killed either of them and you know it.” Charlie didn’t say anything. David remained silent himself just watching Charlie. David wanted to gather him up more than just about anything. Hold him close, fulfill that adolescent fantasy of touching and being held.
David kept his hands firmly in his lap. It seemed like every time he touched Charlie things just got worse.
“David,” Charlie finally whispered.
“Yes?”
“I’m scared. I am so scared.”
David swallowed down the pain that crawled up his throat. “Scared of what?”
“Everything.”
He reached out and let his hand settle on Charlie’s curls. “I’m here. It’ll be okay.”
Charlie’s body trembled for a moment. “What am I supposed to do now? I can’t...
“You’re supposed to get better.”
“Tried that. Didn’t work.”
A long sigh escaped David’s lungs. “That’s because you were trying to fix something that wasn’t broken and you know that. You are an educated, open minded adult. If... If Colby came in here and announced he was gay you wouldn’t have a problem with it would you?”
“No,” Charlie answered quickly.
“Fine, so why do you have a problem with yourself?” Charlie didn’t answer but finally turned back to look at David. “It’s something you should think about.”
“Thank you Dr. Sinclair.”
David snorted but took sarcasm as a good sign. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a folded up magazine. “I brought you a math journal, for when you get your hands free.”
Charlie pulled at his straps a little. “That’s not going to happen anytime soon.”
“I’m sure they’ll let you up later today.”
Charlie shook his head. “One of the orderlies told me they unstrapped a guy about a year ago and he managed to get a hold of a scalpel. The hospital just settled out of court with the family for like 60 million or something so there are orders not to let any crazies go until they’re someone else’s problem.”
David cringed. “Well, I’ll come by every day to scratch your back.”
Charlie smiled. “Willing to take a crack at reading me that journal while you’re at it?”
David looked at the journal in his hand. “Only if you tell me what all the little squiggly math bits are called ‘cause it all looks Greek to me.”
“Most of it is Greek.”
“Well, that would be why then, wouldn’t it?”
~
By the time Alan got back Charlie had David making notes in the margins of the first article while giving a running commentary on why the authors of it were idiots. It was a little surprising. David had seen Charlie snipe at that Penfield guy but from the sounds of it Charlie did not have any great love for many of his fellow mathematicians.
Alan looked at the article. “Ah. Dr. Ferguson has struck again.”
Charlie snorted. “Doctor my ass. David has a better grounding in classic mathematical principle. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“That idiot should be stripped of his letters and flogged naked in the street.”
Alan let out a long sigh. “Charlie, you were thirteen. Can you let it go?”
“I have never cheated in my life and that moron who whored his way into his doctorate has put a permanent smudge on my reputation as a scientist. So, No. I will let it go when I have shown the world that that fuckwhit is only good for teaching middle school math in Fresno.”
David winced. That was tantamount to condemning someone to the third circle of hell.
Alan patted Charlie’s arm. “At least you have a long term goal.”
David stuck around for a few more hours until an orthopedic surgeon arrived along with Charlie’s lunch.
David gave Charlie’s hand a squeeze and promised to come back in the morning. After that David drove to the office. He sat in his car for a long time staring at nothing, thinking about Charlie, thinking about how bad he wanted to hold Charlie. The temptation had been so strong, to undo those straps, gather Charlie up, run away with him some place safe for just the two of them.
David took a deep, ragged breath pushing down feelings that hadn’t existed since he left Tel Aviv. Charlie hadn’t shown any interest in him. That one desperate kiss had been just that, a mindless act of desperation. It hadn’t meant anything.
David jumped at a tap on his window. He rolled down the window and Don leaned in. “Thought I gave you the day off.”
“And what was I supposed to do with it?”
Don shrugged a little. He looked exhausted and old as if one night had put a decade on him. David wondered how he looked. “I’m going to see Charlie.”
“I dropped by this morning.”
“How is he?”
“Frothing at the mouth over some guy named Ferguson.”
Don barked with laughter. “The arch nemesis. He accused Charlie of cheating years ago since no thirteen year old could possibly be that good and Charlie has never forgiven him.”
“And never will.”
“Oh.” Don reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope with David’s name on it. “Dad found it on Charlie’s bed last night.”
David stared at the envelope. His name was written in big block letters like a child might and the hand that had written it had been shaking. He tore the envelope in half and handed it back to Don. “If Charlie wants to say something to me he can say it to my face.”
Don dropped his head. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know. Everything, nothing. I just feel like I should be apologizing.” Don shook his head. “No. Thank you. That’s what I need to say. Thank you.”
“I got lucky. Right place, right time.”
“I don’t know what I would have done if...” He leaned on the car rubbing at his face. “I don’t know how many really bad nights I’ve spent staring at my gun. Even took a taste of gun oil a few times but my finger never got near that trigger, not really. How could Charlie have just... done it?”
It was on the list of questions David had been asking himself as well. He thanked God Charlie had gone for a knife rather than Don’s spare gun that was kept at the house. Or David’s spare gun which was at the house as well. “How many perfectly steady agents have you known that have just eaten their guns one day?”
“A few, yeah, but Charlie’s not an agent.”
David snorted. “Sell me another one, Don. He’s got everything but the badge. He’s got, what, over a hundred cases now? Best conviction rate in the business. He shoots 290 and gets out of bed at 3 AM to poke at dead bodies with the rest of us.”
“Okay, I get it.”
“And,” David continued. “I’ll lay you dollars to doughnuts it’s the part of his life he likes the best.”
“And how sad a statement is that?” Don went around the other side of David’s car and got in. He didn’t look at David and David got the feeling he just wanted to sit down. “You know when Charlie was little he used to follow me around everywhere. First steps he took he was trying to follow me. I loved it. Thought it was great. Like having my own little fan club. Then one day he did my math homework for me. Then he finished my math book. Then he was in classes with me, then classes above me. And suddenly I didn’t want him any more.” David felt his chest clench as Don’s voice cracked. “He was weird and wrong and annoying and asked too many questions I couldn’t answer and was always getting me into fights and...” Don sucked in a deep breath. “Oh god I fucked up.”
“We all fucked up, Don.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Serious, Don. I should have seen it coming I mean, your mother passes away Charlie locks himself in the garage and does math. You nearly get shot, Charlie locks himself in the garage and does math. You get stabbed, Charlie locks himself in the War Room and does a lot of math. Amita walks out and he gets up in the morning and takes a shower and puts on a clean suit and goes to work like nothing happened. I was staring right at it. I should have called the men in the white coats myself.”
Don snorted. “Our Mom sent Charlie to a shrink when he was like ten or something ‘cause she was worried about the pressure getting to him. Charlie ate the guy alive.”
“Well now he’s going to get help whether he likes it or not.”
“Yeah.” Don looked at his watch. “I should go see Charlie. God knows what I’m going to say to him.”
“Start with Hi. Go from there.”
“Thanks. Oh. I haven’t told the girls. Haven’t told anyone really. I mean I don’t want to air Charlie’s dirty laundry while he’s still strapped down...”
“He’ll probably appreciate that.”
Don got out of the car. “Go home, David. Get some extra sleep. You look like you could use it.”
“Look in the mirror, Don. Take your own advice.”
“Soon as I can find the time.”
~
David stared at the chess board. It was only half assembled. The pieces of his failed campaign still sat at the edge waiting to be replaced for another game. David heard the door open and looked up. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring at the board. Most of the afternoon judging by the ache in his back.
Alan came in and David really looked. Alan looked old. Far older than when they first met and now he seemed bent under the weight of the last couple of days. He sat down hard on the other side of the chess board but didn’t say anything. He just stared at the board as well.
“How’s Charlie?” David finally asked when the ticking of the clock on the wall had somehow become oppressively loud.
“The surgeon came by. They’re going to take him into surgery first thing in the morning. 7 AM. He did a lot of nerve damage, messed up the tendon a little, the artery of course. They’re going to fix as much as they can but he probably won’t get full use of his hand back. It’ll always be a little weak they said.”
“I’ll try to come and see him before he goes in.”
Alan nodded then took a deep breath and slapped his hands down on his thighs. “Have you eaten?”
“Not really.”
“Right, food it is then.” Without any other comment or even asking if David was hungry Alan puttered off to the kitchen. David took a deep breath himself and followed.
~
David snuck quietly past the nurses into Charlie’s little corner of the hospital. They would wake him up soon for pre-op stuff. He couldn’t tell if Charlie was asleep or just had his eyes closed. He sat down in the chair by the bed. It squeaked a little and Charlie’s eyes opened.
“Hey,” David whispered. “Need your back scratched?” Charlie smiled and nodded pushing himself up on his elbows. David reached under and scratched. Charlie’s head rolled back and he moaned just a little. David clenched his teeth together. The eroticism in that tiny sound went into David’s ears, bypassed his brain and headed south. He scratched a little harder and Charlie made a sound between a sigh and a whimper. Anyone else David would have accused of teasing but he was sure Charlie had no idea what he was doing, how unconsciously sexy he was even strapped to a hospital bed. Finally Charlie sighed and David stopped.
“Thank you,” Charlie whispered lowering himself back down.
“No problem. How are you doing?”
Charlie shrugged. “Hospital shrink agreed that I should be spending a little time in the funny farm.”
“Think of it as a vacation.”
“A potentially permanent one.”
“I seriously doubt that. You are perfectly sane. You just had a... laps in judgment there.”
Charlie turned his head away. “The guy two beds over, he died in the night. 3AM his heart stopped and didn’t start. His wife was with him, holding his hand. I could hear her crying over the sound of the doctors working. He went to get milk. Ended up getting a double barrel shotgun in the gut. And people wonder why I’m an atheist. God makes no logical sense but I wouldn’t want to believe in a god that has a hand in this world.”
David put a hand on Charlie’s head. His hair was feeling a little greasy and it was getting snarled, especially in the back. He tried to smooth it down a little.
“I’m sorry, Charlie.”
Charlie looked back at him. “For what?”
David shrugged. He wasn’t really sure. He was sure he had lots to apologize for. “Everything I did wrong.”
A deep frown cut into Charlie’s face. “I’m the one who stuck a knife in my wrist?”
“Yeah, but... I knew you weren’t in a good place. I should have... I don’t know. It shouldn’t have come to that.”
“You’re not my keeper, David.”
David jolted a little. Charlie was right of course but that thought hadn’t crossed David’s mind once. For days now, ever since that late night confession of teenage love David had been wanting to do nothing more than be Charlie’s keeper. He wanted to keep him safe, sane, hold him and not let him go until the world became a better, more accepting place.
David brushed a bit of hair from Charlie’s forehead. “Maybe I’m interested in the job.”
Charlie snorted. “You don’t get to be Director of the FBI babysitting gay, suicidal, mathematicians.”
“I don’t know. You make my arrest rate look pretty good and from what I hear the current director is pretty impressed with your stuff.”
“I hate to say it but the current director failed college algebra.”
“How do you know that?”
Charlie grinned. “I’m a tenured professor. I have access to permanent academic records.”
David was shocked at the plain fear that hit him at the words ‘permanent academic record’. “That English teacher was out to get me,” he said quickly.
“I haven’t looked up yours, though the next time you’re on stake out with Colby ask him about that modern dance elective.”
“Modern dance?”
“He got a B+.”
David was still contemplating the thought of his partner jumping around in tights when the nurses came in and shooed him out. He gave Charlie’s hand a squeeze as he left and promised to come back in the evening.
~
David glanced at the clock on his computer. It was nearly 9:30 and he was still catching up on a day’s worth of missed paperwork after he and Don had ‘food poisoning’. He wondered how long the surgery was going to take. Alan was waiting at the hospital. Colby had volunteered to wait with Alan and Don had vanished early saying he had somewhere to be leaving David in charge.
David turned around to the tap on his shoulder. Don stood there looking ragged like he’d been crying. David’s heart lept into his throat and Don must have read his face.
“No word on Charlie, yet,” he said quickly. “It’s pretty fiddly work, nerves and stuff. They said it’ll take a few hours. Here,” Don pushed a scrap of paper into David’s hand. “Don’t be late.”
~
David settled into the couch and looked at Dr. Bradford. Bradford looked right back. “Well, go ahead.”
David was confused. “Um, go ahead with what?”
“Whatever you need to say.”
“I’m not sure what’s going on here. Don just gave me a piece of paper with a time and an office number on it.”
“So you’re fine?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Don’t need to talk to anyone?”
“I’m fine,” David repeated.
“So you found one of your friends nearly dead on the bathroom floor the other day ‘cause he opened his wrist, ended up covered in his blood while just barely saving his life but you’re fine?”
David was on his feet and on his way to the door in a split second. “I don’t need to be here.”
“If you go back to the office Eppes is just going to send you right back down so you might as well sit here in silence for the next 57 minutes and save yourself the trip.” David’s hand hovered over the door knob. He felt it tremble. “Why don’t you do me a favor as well and sit down and talk to me.”
“How’s that doing you a favor?”
“Honestly, I’ve meet Charlie a few times, I like the guy, the fact that he did what he did is bugging the hell out of me and I barely know him. I’m trying to understand what happened and as far as I’ve heard you probably know more than anyone about what went down.”
David just shrugged a bit. “I needed to grab a shower, change my clothes, opened the bathroom door and there was Charlie and a lot of blood.”
Bradford shook his head and motioned David back towards the couch. “Nah. Suicides are a process. Things build up and up until something tips the whole pile over. We only know in retrospect that we saw it happening.”
“Why don’t you go down to the hospital and ask Charlie this?”
“I’m asking you.”
David sat back down. It didn’t feel right talking about Charlie’s problems. “You’re not going to spread this around?”
“Not allowed and I wouldn’t. Now, what was the first problem you saw?”
David thought about Charlie’s first problem and felt the blood go to his cheeks. “That I saw? This is embarrassing.”
“I’m sure I’ve heard worse.”
“Oh I doubt it. Charlie... after he proposed to Amita he... uh... ended up with a little case of... Mr. Floopy, you know.” David couldn’t help the slightly juvenile miming.
Bradford to his credit only raised an eyebrow. “Well, that happens to everyone.”
“Yeah, except his didn’t go away. We’re talking six months.”
Bradford cringed. “Six months? Shit. Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“And he actually told you about this?”
“Yes.”
“Can I ask what the situation was? I mean was he drunk?”
“No,” David snapped. “It was like 4 AM. I’d gotten off a stakeout. I mean I was sleep walking. I got back to the house, the light was on in Charlie’s room. I just peeked in for a second ‘cause I thought I heard something and he was... well...” David made a couple of hand gestures feeling even more juvenile about it.
“Gottcha.”
“I mean I was going to leave,” David said quickly, “Just... he was crying and it wasn’t working...” David felt his chest squeeze as he fell into the memories of that night. “And I was going to leave but... He was bleeding. He rubbed until he bled. I couldn’t let him do that, I mean he was hurting himself.”
“You interrupted?”
“He was bleeding,” David said again. It was his only justification for walking into that room outside of his own desire for Charlie.
“What did he do when you interrupted?”
“Cried. I’ve never... I mean Charlie is tough. I know Don makes him out to be just his baby brother but I’ve been in a fire fight with the guy. We put life and death pressure on him every case and he holds up well as any.”
“You’ve got a lot of respect for him.”
“Yeah, yeah, we all do.”
“So seeing him like that?”
David sighed. He knew he’d been had. “Seeing him like that.” David cursed himself. Even as Charlie had been weeping he had wanted him. He could still remember how warm Charlie’s body had been in his arms, in that bed and how cold that same body had been on that bathroom floor, the blood pouring out.
“He told me what was wrong. I just wanted to help,” David lied to himself.
“Of course you did.”
“We were talking. I asked...” David dropped his face to his hands. “I should have just left. He’d be... Oh god.” David squeezed his eyes shut. The guilt was rising up in waves, nearly choking him.
“What did you ask?” Bradford gently prompted.
“I asked who his first crush was. Just... I made him admit to it.”
“Admit to what?”
“A man. An older boy in Don’s class. Jesse Presman. And once I had the answer, he had the answer and his body started reacting and...” David did his best to choke down the acid that rolled up from his stomach. “He’s just a child. Oh God, I shouldn’t be allowed near him.”
“Last I checked Charlie Eppes is an adult.”
David shook his head. “No, he’s... He’s only twelve. The last time he let himself have a real desire, a normal fantasy he was twelve. Don told him he was a freak and he believed it, he tried to fix himself. He... One fantasy of Jesse holding him, touching his face, not even sex, so what the fuck do I do?” David felt his voice crack.
“What did you do?”
“I touched his face,” David whispered. “I touched his body, his... And once he’d let go I pushed him away. He kissed me and I pushed him away. Told him we couldn’t. Like I was taking some kind of fucking moral high ground. Sexually he’s twelve and I touched him ‘cause I’ve been wanting to touch him for years then I fucking run away and left him to his own over sized brain that some how justified death as an option preferable to facing his own actual wants and he’s a fucking atheist. He wasn’t trying to send himself to heaven or hell or some other life.” David wiped at his eyes that were suddenly blurry. “He was trying to completely end it and if I’d just walked away...”
“Do you really believe Charlie’s life would have continued on perfectly happy if you had walked away?”
“I...” David stumbled under the weight of mounting guilt. “I honestly believe that if I hadn’t asked him who his first crush was he wouldn’t have tried to kill himself.”
Bradford let out a long slow breath. “Okay. Well, that’s going to be a lot of guilt to hull around. What are you going to do about it?”
“Aren’t you supposed to tell me?”
“Nope.”
David rubbed at his face. He suddenly felt exhausted. “I shouldn’t be near him.”
“Why not?”
“I might try to...” David didn’t want to say it.
“Touch him?”
“He’s a child.”
“He’s an adult and yes he’s probably a bit behind the curve right now but once he gets his head back on straight, no pun intended, he’s going to realize that he’s an adult with adult desires just like you.”
David curled in on himself. Oh yes he had adult desires and he wanted to show them to Charlie in the worst kind of way.
“I was happy,” David whispered. “How sick is that? He’s a friend and he’s sobbing in my arms and a part of me was actually happy ‘cause he once had a crush on a guy 20 years ago.”
Bradford didn’t answer. He just looked at David for a long time until David felt himself start to squirm a bit. “How long have you been attracted to Charlie?” he finally asked.
David shrugged a bit. “I don’t know. About five minutes after I met him?”
“Before the other night did you ever approach him? Ask him out? Make a pass?”
“No,” David answered quickly.
“Why not?”
“Lots of reasons.”
“Such as?”
“All the cute ones are straight and taken? Bad career move to hit on your boss’ little brother. Worse career move to hit on your boss’ little brother when you’re male. Just wasn’t really ready for a long time.”
Bradford frowned. “What does that mean? Not ready?”
David sighed. That was more territory he didn’t really want to get into. “Um... Couple weeks before I started in LA my... boyfriend, I guess, was struck by a car. Killed. By the time I was up for dating again Charlie was sort of starting things with Amita and Claudia and I were getting along pretty well so... Always put the career before romance anyway.”
“And how’s that working out?”
“Well up until the other night just fine, thank you.”
Bradford leaned forward and looked at David. David started feeling like he was an interesting specimen or something. “What do you want, David?”
“What do you mean?”
“Long term goals. Career?”
“Well, I hear the Director’s office has a pretty good view.”
“That’s a pretty serious goal.”
“Don’t think I can do it?”
Bradford just shrugged a little. “Probably, if you want. I’ve never gotten the impression that you’re a politics guy and historically it’s usually the ones who play the game that get that office.” David knew Bradford was right. You don’t get the big job by being the best field agent out there. If anything that’s how you get left in the field. “How about family? Marriage? Kids?”
“Haven’t really thought about it,” David lied.
“Bullshit. Everyone thinks about it.”
“They’re not high on my list of priorities. I mean if the right person comes around...”
“And if the right person’s male? Might make it a little harder to get that big office with a view.”
“You know you’re the second person today to say something like that to me.” David hadn’t really thought about it. He hadn’t had a man in his bed since leaving Tel Aviv and few dates of any kind since. “I don’t know. The world is changing. Twenty years ago half the ADs were Mormon and all of them were men. We’ve got a couple of women now, a little ethnic diversity happening, and frankly I’ve seen those pictures of Hover at Mardi Gras. I don’t know who he thought he was fooling.”
Bradford laughed. “Think the Bureau should embrace tradition?”
“Why not?” David rubbed at his face. His eyes were burning and for once he hoped it was just allergies. “Honestly right now all I can think about is the fact that Charlie’s in surgery and in a few days they’re going to lock him in some inpatient facility where...”
“Where you can’t take care of him?”
David curled in on himself again. “I feel like I did after Colby confessed to treason. Like there are a million things I should have seen but didn’t and a million things I should have said but didn’t and if I could violate every law of physics and go back in time I wouldn’t let Charlie out of my sight. Not for a moment.”
“You know you’re not the first person today to express those sentiments.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“David, there are no time machines. So what are you going to do ‘cause you can’t change what’s happened?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay. What do you want to be doing? Right now this very second.”
“I want to be with Charlie.”
“Just be with him?”
“I want to be holding him.”
“Why?”
“Because he fits in my arms just right and if I’m holding him then nothing can hurt him.”
“Including himself?”
David dropped his head. “Including himself,” he whispered.
~
David slid into the plastic chair by Charlie’s bed. The post op nurse said he could have ten minutes tops. Don and Alan had already had their visits. Charlie’s arm was even more thickly bandaged than before but someone missed the memo and the straps that had held him down were gone.
“Hey,” David whispered softly just in case Charlie was asleep. Charlie’s eyes came open slowly. They were glazed and unfocused.
“Hey.”
“How are you?”
A blissful smile crawled across Charlie’s face. “Good drugs. Feel dumb. It’s nice.”
“Well don’t get too used to them.”
Charlie frowned and pouted a little. “Scratch my back?” His voice was small and child like. David couldn’t resist.
“Sure, let me at it.”
Charlie rolled away from David and David reached under the sheet. Charlie started moaning almost instantly as David worked his way down Charlie’s back and back up again. He bit his own tongue until he thought it might bleed, the pain working to counteract the unbelievably sexy sounds Charlie was making.
Finally David couldn’t take it any more and stopped. Charlie rolled back onto his back and David had to quickly advert his eyes. Charlie was pitching a tent in the hospital sheet, the drug fuelled, blissed out smile back on his face. “Thank you,” Charlie mumbled.
“Any time,” David replied focusing his eyes on Charlie’s hair line.
“It’s nice when you touch me. You’re warm and...” Charlie fell asleep mid sentence.
David let out a long breath. A small part of his mind began formulating an escape plan. It involved sneaking both him and Charlie out of the hospital and being south of the border before Don could put out an APB. He knew it was stupid but he was in the mood for romantically stupid so he quickly looked around then put a tiny kiss on Charlie’s forehead. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”
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