Who We Are (2/35)
Title: Who We Are (2/35)
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 4,186
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options.
Previous Chapters: 1
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color due Feb 10.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 2
David paced the waiting room with Don and Alan. He had ridden to the hospital with Charlie and could feel Charlie’s blood tightening as it dried against his skin. When Don and Alan arrived they were put in a privet waiting room. The ones where they put the families of people who aren’t going to make it. Don had locked his jaw and everything else, refusing to show any emotion. Alan, on the other hand, couldn’t stop crying.
David was kicking himself. He should have seen it coming. Charlie was too calm, too together and there was no math. He knew how Charlie reacted to stress. Math. Deep, complicated, possibly unsolvable math. There had been no math.
The door opened. A small, exhausted looking, Indian doctor stepped in. “Eppes?”
“Yes,” Alan said.
“Hello. I am Dr. Patel. First let me say Dr. Eppes is alive.” Don let a long breath and Alan a hard sob. David felt his legs go out from under him and he sat down hard. “We have him stabilized at present. He is unconscious. He lost a lot of blood and did considerable damage to his left arm. He will need serious surgery on it if he ever wants to use it properly again.”
“Whatever it takes,” Alan instantly replied but Dr. Patel looked grim.
“Mr. Eppes, I see a lot of self inflicted injury come through here. A lot of it is drugs...”
“Charlie’s not on drugs,” Don snapped.
“I know, I know. I can tell,” Dr. Patel said. “A lot of it’s drugs and a lot of it’s a cry for help. I need to tell you this was neither. There were no scratches on Dr. Eppes arm. No hesitation marks. Just one cut in just the right place. He had every intention of dying today. Before we wake him up and make him deal with the fact that he is still alive do you have any idea why he has done this?”
Both Don and Alan shook their heads. “No,” Alan said. “I mean his fiancée left last night but, I mean they’re just taking a little time...”
“It wasn’t that. Not really.” David reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper. He had snatched it off the sink and read it in the ambulance. In it Charlie laid everything out. From Jesse, to Don’s bad advice, to Charlie’s medieval self inflicted sexual reprogramming techniques, to attempts to fulfill his destiny, to Amita leaving. The only thing he left out was David’s part in the mess. David wasn’t sure why. He apologized in it to Alan but since he wasn’t going to be able to properly fulfill his duties as a son it would all be for the best. He apologized to Don as well but made a point to name several other mathematicians and scientists who could take over his case load. He thanked David for being a friend. There was no message for Amita or Larry.
David handed the blood streaked sheet to the doctor who read it over quickly. “Oh, I see,” the doctor sighed. “Well, at least he’s in LA.”
The doctor handed the letter to Alan. Alan’s sobs, which had just begun to abate, started again as he read, a hand pressed over his mouth. About half way through he turned around and punched Don in the arm.
“Oww.” Don rubbed the spot. “What did I do?”
Alan thrust the letter at Don. Don began to read. He sat down and kept reading. After he got to the end he hung his head between his legs his shoulders shaking.
Dr. Patel folded his arms. “Now I am going to ask and I want a completely honest answer; do either of you have a problem with having a gay person in your family?”
“No,” Alan’s voice was insistent. “Of course not. I wouldn’t have cared. If he’d just said something. He’s my son. I love him.”
Don lifted his head. “I thought Chuck would just go crying to mom. I didn’t think he’d listen to me. I wouldn’t have given a shit. I mean since when has Charlie ever done anything in the curve anyway?”
The doctor sighed. “Like I said, Dr. Eppes had every intention of dying today. Now he is a smart man. My brother teaches engineering at CalSci so I know just how smart Dr. Eppes is. Unless he wakes up to the absolute love and acceptance of his family and friends he will try this again and I am sure he will do it in a way that will leave no room for error. Am I clear?”
Don and Alan both nodded. “Yes.”
“Good. I hate seeing my better stitching go to waste. Now everyone chin up, wipe your eyes. Let’s go see Dr. Eppes.”
Don and Alan followed the doctor. David invited himself along. No one told him no. Charlie was in a far corner of the ER. He was sickly pale even against the white sheets. His left arm was thickly bandaged and tubes with blood and fluid ran into his right arm. What was truly disturbing and made David’s stomach lurch were the heavy restraints keeping Charlie bound to the bed.
Alan turned away for a moment. “God,” he whispered.
Dr. Patel looked over Charlie’s chart and vitals then put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder and gave him a bit of a shake.
Charlie’s eyes fluttered a little and opened. He looked around and his face collapsed. Alan rushed over and gathered him up as much as he could. “Oh, god Charlie. Oh god,” Alan sobbed. “I would never want to lose you, for any reason. You hear me? I love you. You are my son and I love you and don’t you ever, ever try this again. Ever.”
Charlie tried to raise his hand but found it strapped to the bed. He patted his father’s leg instead.
Alan pulled back a little and Don crouched down next to Charlie. “Hey Buddy,” Don’s voice crack. “You’re an idiot you know that? You’re not supposed to listen to me. You’re supposed to take everything I say and prove me wrong.” Charlie didn’t answer. Don pressed his forehead to Charlie’s. “I can’t lose you, Buddy. I can’t lose you. Not when we’re just working out this whole brothers thing. Just tell me what you need. Anything. Okay? Anything.”
Charlie licked his lips and swallowed a few times. “Could somebody scratch my nose, please?” His voice was dry, cracked and paper thin.
Don laughed through some tears and carefully scratched the end of Charlie’s nose.
“Thank you.”
David just reached out and took Charlie’s hand. After a moment Charlie gave it a little squeeze.
David stepped out of the way and the doctor grabbed a chair and sat down next to Charlie. David had a feeling it was more out of exhaustion than anything else. “Good evening Dr. Eppes my name is Dr. Patel.”
“Any relation to the cricket player?” Charlie asked.
“No, Patel is a very common name...” The doctor froze for a second. “You know cricket?”
“I was trying to bond with my fiancée’s father,” Charlie explained, his voice still thin and his eyes half glazed. “They like cricket in India.”
Dr. Patel looked at Alan. “You were going to let him..? Oh dear.”
“He wanted me to ride a white horse,” Charlie mumbled. “I don’t like horses.”
“That is very sensible. My brother fell off his horse, spent his honeymoon in traction.”
“They’re really not going to like me now.”
The doctor patted Charlie’s hand. “It’s okay. They can’t get to you now. No white horses.” A tiny smile ghosted across Charlie’s face. “Now. You gave your family a scare today I don’t think they deserved. Any idiot can see they love you very much no matter what.”
Charlie turned his head away from the doctor. Dr. Patel picked up Charlie’s note. He waved it a couple of times.
“And this? You are in L.A. and it’s the 21st century. This is not a problem. I have two orderlies on the floor who are already referring to you as the cute one and believe me you don’t look that cute right now.”
A tiny chuckle came from Charlie’s throat and his eyes began to clear a little.
“Now, Dr. Eppes you did a lot of damage and it’s going to take a lot of work to put you back together so I’m going to ask you a serious question, should we bother?”
Charlie looked at the doctor. He opened his mouth but no sound came out.
“You’ve done your little dance with death. Your family has been beside themselves. They love you and that is not going to change. Your friend here,” he nodded to David. “That is your blood he is covered in and it took a hell of a lot to throw him out of the room when we were working on you.”
Charlie looked David over apparently just noticing the rust red covering David’s shirt.
“My brother is one of your colleagues,” The doctor continued. “So I know who you are. You are at the top of your field and rising, you have got the cool office, you have a book, you get priority on the super computer, you get to run around and play cops and robbers and have exciting adventures while everyone else is stuck at home on Saturday nights grading papers. So. Are you willing to accept the fact that you hit bottom and you’ve got no where to go but up or shall I just sign you out now and let you walk outside and step in front of a bus?”
Charlie closed his eyes and went deathly still. David held his breath. Finally Charlie shook his head.
“No bus?” Dr. Petal asked.
“No bus,” Charlie repeated almost silently. David let out the breath he’d been holding.
Dr. Patel gave a firm nod. “Good. Now. Here’s how this is going to work. Your system has been through a nasty shock so once there is room you will be moved to the ICU for 24 hours. Once you are fully stable a surgeon is going to look at your arm and see what can be done for it. You may need nerve grafts and I don’t even know what else, you did a real number on it. Once you go through surgery and are cleared to leave you will be transferred to an inpatient psychiatric facility.”
“Now hold on...” Alan tried to object but Dr. Petal just waved him away. Charlie’s face went still.
“You can either go voluntarily or involuntarily. Voluntarily will look better in the long run, but frankly you have a ruddy great gash in your arm and left an impressively detailed if poorly spelled suicide note. There is not a judge in this town who is going to believe that you are not a danger to yourself.”
Charlie swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay.”
“You have insurance through CalSci?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I will recommend you for St. Clare’s across town. It’s not a resort but it’s private and a hell of a lot better than the state set ups. Now, Dr. Eppes, at that point you will have another important decision to make. Are you listening?”
Charlie nodded.
“You are a very smart man. I have no doubt that you will work out the system within days. You will learn what to say, which boxes to tick, which doctors to flatter, you can be out of there in a week. And if you are I am willing to guarantee you will be back here or in the morgue within a year. Or... You can take a deep breath and let them actually help you. You have been hurt and I am not just talking about your arm. You have been bashing the inside of your head about for most of your life and you need to take some time and let yourself heal and let people help you get back to a place where you actually feel comfortable in your own skin instead of just faking it. Do you think you can do that?”
Charlie gave another small nod.
“Alright then. Which one of these men is allowed to make medical decisions for you?”
“Don.”
“Well I’m going to take him away for a while and make him sign lots of bits of paper he’s probably not going to actually read.”
Charlie smiled a little. “Our mother was a lawyer.”
“Well then it’ll take him even longer. Your friend and your father can stay for a bit but not too long.”
Charlie gave a small nod. Don squeezed Charlie’s good hand then followed Dr. Patel.
Alan sat down next to Charlie and picked up his hand. “I’m so sorry, Charlie. I should have seen. I shouldn’t have put all that extra pressure on you. I...”
“It’s okay,” Charlie whispered. “Not your fault.”
David could see Charlie was beginning to fade out. He crouched down and ran his hand across Charlie’s face. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Charlie repeated blinking slowly with impending sleep.
“Don’t do that again.”
“Okay.”
“Promise.”
Charlie’s eyes closed and his lips moved. David told himself Charlie was making his promise. He watched Charlie breathe for several minutes before he could bring himself to take his hand from Charlie’s face.
David realized Alan was looking at him. “If he wakes up again tell him I’ll come and see him tomorrow.”
“Okay.” David moved to leave but Alan caught his wrist. “Thank you David.”
“I got lucky.”
“I’ll take that luck.”
“So will I.”
~
David became aware of the fact that he was shaking as he stood in front of the hospital. Colby’s truck pulled up. He got in but nothing felt quite right. The handle of the door didn’t feel quite real under his fingers. The sound was muted and the colors seemed faded. Something was nagging the edges of his hearing.
“David!” Reality slammed back in full force and David jumped.
“What?”
“Whose blood is that?” Colby carefully enunciated every word.
“Blood?”
Colby grabbed David by his shirt. “Shirt, hands, blood, whose?”
David felt slightly drunk as he spoke. “Charlie.”
“Charlie?”
“Yes.” Reality was beginning to fade out again.
“Is Charlie okay?” David didn’t answer. The question didn’t quite register. Colby shook him. “Is Charlie okay? What happened?”
“He’s alive.”
Colby finally let him go. “What the hell happened? You were going to grab a shower then Don vanished. What happened to Charlie?”
“He...” David suddenly couldn’t find the words. If he said it out loud it meant it really happened. “He, tried...” The answer must have been on his face because Colby closed his eyes.
“Jesus, fuck,” Colby breathed. “He tried to kill himself?” David tried to nod but it came off as more of a twitch. “Why?”
David opened his mouth but not even air came out. All the feelings he’d been holding back for the last several hours were rushing up and choking him.
“Okay, okay. Are Don and Alan still in there?”
This time David did manage a nod.
“Okay, then let’s get you back to my place, you can clean up, get changed, and get drunk.”
‘Clean.’ David shook his head. “No, no. I need to go back to the house. I need to clean.”
“David, man...”
“Please, Colby just drive me back to the house.”
Colby put the truck in gear. “Okay, but you are not leaving my sight.”
~
David pushed open the front door of the Craftsmen. He’d forgotten to lock it on his way out with the ambulance crew. He was half surprised he’d even managed to close it. He looked around. Nothing seemed to be missing. The TV was still there.
He noticed there was a drop of blood on the hardwood near the door. A drop of blood and a small smear of oil. He walked slowly upstairs following the trail of blood drops, Colby right behind. The bathroom door was open but the sun had gone down long before and the room was dark. David knew what he would see when he turned on the light. He did it anyway.
The room was smeared with blood. It was pooled on the floor dark red and sticky and drying to brown where he and the EMTs had stood in it and knelt in it. There were bloody hand prints on the sink and walls where David had grabbed or leaned.
“Holy, shit,” Colby breathed. “He really did it didn’t he?”
There was a small, sharp, bloody pocket knife sitting on the edge of the sink. The note had sat next to it.
“I need to clean this up.”
“You need to rest, I think you’re in shock man.”
“No, Alan wasn’t here, he didn’t see this. I can’t let him see this.” David felt Colby’s hand warm and heavy on his shoulder. “He can’t see this.”
“Okay, where’s the cleaning stuff?”
David tried to remember. “I think most of it’s in the kitchen.”
“Okay, wait here. I’ll be right back.”
David stood next to the puddle of blood as he waited for Colby. ‘I’m sorry, Charlie.’
He heard Colby coming back down the hall. He had trash bags, rolls of paper towels, sponges, a mop, bucket and a bottle of dishwashing powder. “I heard it’s good for getting up blood ‘cause it’s designed to break up fats and proteins.”
David shrugged, grabbed the paper towels, and got on his knees to start soaking up the blood that was still damp.
David found time began to slip as he cleaned. He and Colby didn’t talk. They just filled bucket after bucket with soap and water and dumped it away as it went pink.
He dipped a scrub brush right into bleach and scrubbed at tile grouting until it was whiter than it had been in the morning. The bleach burned his eyes and his lungs but he kept scrubbing.
Finally David stood in the middle of the bathroom and spun around looking for spots he missed.
“I think we got it all,” Colby said from where he was leaning in the doorway.
‘No.’
“Do you have your evidence kit in your truck?”
“Yes?” Colby answered carefully.
“I need... I need luminal. I missed some. It’s still here. The luminal...”
“No, man.”
“I...”
Colby stepped forward and firmly took the scrub brush firmly from David’s hand. “No. You don’t get to go Lady MacBeth on me. The bathroom is clean, so let’s put all the cleaning stuff away, then you are coming back to my place and getting yourself cleaned up and don’t even think about trying to argue with me.”
David looked around the bathroom. He’d never be able set foot in here again. Not without seeing the floor covered in blood. “Okay.”
“Alright. Come on.”
David let Colby led the way as they squirreled away most of the cleaning supplies and threw away anything stained pink.
They were just about to the front door when it opened and Don and Alan came in. The four of them stared at each other for a moment as if they were all strangers.
Colby moved first and pulled Alan into a hug. “Thank you,” Alan whispered. Colby hugged Don next. Don actually hugged back clinging to Colby for a few seconds and probably only pulling away out of some residual sense of propriety.
“How’s Charlie?” Colby asked when Don finally let go.
“They got him a bed in ICU for the night.”
“Good.”
There was quiet again.
“We cleaned the bathroom,” David said to fill the void.
Alan looked confused and David could spot the moment of pain when he realized why the bathroom would have needed to be cleaned. “Thank you.”
Colby pointed to David. “I’m taking this guy home and getting him cleaned up and drunk. Do you two need anything?”
“We’re fine Colby, thank you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, we’ll be okay.”
Colby gave a maternal scowl and slightly suspicious squint. “Okay, but if you need anything at all, call.”
“We’ll call. Thank you.”
“Okay.” And with that quick word Colby grabbed David by the arm and dragged him out.
~
David was handed a pair of clean sweats, a black trash bag, and a towel and was propelled into Colby’s tiny bathroom. “Scrub.” Was Colby’s order as he shut the door. David wasn’t sure if he’d have the energy. He already felt like he was falling asleep on his feet.
He stripped dumping all his clothes into the trash bag. He’d liked the suit he’d been wearing but if the oil hadn’t ruined it the blood and the bleach did. David was horrified to realize just how much blood had soaked right through and was coating his skin in places. He kicked his shoes to the side. They were dark enough that he’d try to salvage those.
Colby’s shower had a removable head with hose attachment. David started at the top and held the shower head an inch from his skin trying to power spray the day off his body. The water that ran down the drain was pink. He turned Colby’s bar of soap pink as he scrubbed at his legs and chest. When he tasted salt he though he might be bleeding himself somehow before realizing there were tears joining the shower spray.
David stayed in the shower until the tears dried up and the water was going down the drain clean. By the time he put himself together enough to emerge from the bathroom the small apartment smelled like pizza.
“I was about to come in there and make sure you weren’t scrubbing through your own skin.”
“Thought about it.” David collapsed on Colby’s couch. It could have been the end of a hundred different days but David could barely remember ever feeling this exhausted.
“Eat some pizza.”
David looked down at the pie with all his favorite toppings. “I’m not hungry.”
“You’re going to be drinking in a second. Put something in your stomach.”
David grabbed a slice and put it in his mouth. He barely tasted it but he chewed and swallowed. It took less energy than arguing with Colby would have.
Colby got up and came back with a bottle of Johnny Walker and two glasses. David was sure Colby must have learned to drink whiskey at his father’s knee. He splashed a little into his glass and considerably more into David’s.
He lifted his glass. David followed suit.
“To Charlie’s long, happy, healthy life.”
David chuckled darkly at that but drank. Colby filled up his glass again. “I’m relief supervisor. If we get a call...”
“If you get a call me, Liz and Nikki can handle whatever it is until morning and if anyone asks you and Don were working late, ordered Chinese and got mutual food poisoning.”
David looked for any hint of joking in Colby’s face then knocked back the whiskey. It burned going down but felt like it was cauterizing something in his throat that had been bleeding since he found Charlie.
Colby poured him a third big drink.
“So. How long have you had a thing for Charlie?”
David almost spit out his drink. “What makes you think...”
“Spy,” Colby answered simply. “I’ve seen your porn collection in an effort to find anything that could be used for blackmail or recruitment purposes.”
David tried to think if there was anything incriminating in his bedside collection.
“I also found that set of very anatomically correct comics.” David felt the blood rush to his face. He’d spent almost as much time working on that particular collection as the rest of his comics. And those were quite incriminating.
“For what it’s worth I’ve nosed around Don’s collection as well, Megan’s too.”
“Megan had porn?” David didn’t believe it.
“No. She had lots of novels with phrases like ‘heaving bosoms’ in them.”
David drank his whiskey. “I wouldn’t have guessed.”
“Everyone’s got a secret, but you didn’t answer my question.”
David poured himself another drunk. “Charlie’s a friend. You know that. He’s part of the team.”
“Yeah, yeah he is. How bad have you got it for him?”
David sagged in on himself. “I’m never going to have him so there’s no point in carrying a torch.” David looked at Colby. “You don’t mind. I mean...”
“Nope and if I did we wouldn’t have gotten this far.”
David thought about Charlie. He usually didn’t let himself dwell on his attraction to his presumably straight friend. He told himself he was just glad to have Charlie as a friend and crime fighting partner. Still, sometimes on the particularly lonely nights after really bad cases a fantasy Charlie would crawl into his bed and babble math softly while David took pleasure in Charlie’s body.
David let out a long sigh.
“Do you know why he did it?” Colby asked.
“Yeah,” David mumbled into his glass.
“Can you tell me?”
David grabbed the bottle and drank straight from it. “Nope.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
“I have no idea.”
Previous Next
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 4,186
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options.
Previous Chapters: 1
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color due Feb 10.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 2
David paced the waiting room with Don and Alan. He had ridden to the hospital with Charlie and could feel Charlie’s blood tightening as it dried against his skin. When Don and Alan arrived they were put in a privet waiting room. The ones where they put the families of people who aren’t going to make it. Don had locked his jaw and everything else, refusing to show any emotion. Alan, on the other hand, couldn’t stop crying.
David was kicking himself. He should have seen it coming. Charlie was too calm, too together and there was no math. He knew how Charlie reacted to stress. Math. Deep, complicated, possibly unsolvable math. There had been no math.
The door opened. A small, exhausted looking, Indian doctor stepped in. “Eppes?”
“Yes,” Alan said.
“Hello. I am Dr. Patel. First let me say Dr. Eppes is alive.” Don let a long breath and Alan a hard sob. David felt his legs go out from under him and he sat down hard. “We have him stabilized at present. He is unconscious. He lost a lot of blood and did considerable damage to his left arm. He will need serious surgery on it if he ever wants to use it properly again.”
“Whatever it takes,” Alan instantly replied but Dr. Patel looked grim.
“Mr. Eppes, I see a lot of self inflicted injury come through here. A lot of it is drugs...”
“Charlie’s not on drugs,” Don snapped.
“I know, I know. I can tell,” Dr. Patel said. “A lot of it’s drugs and a lot of it’s a cry for help. I need to tell you this was neither. There were no scratches on Dr. Eppes arm. No hesitation marks. Just one cut in just the right place. He had every intention of dying today. Before we wake him up and make him deal with the fact that he is still alive do you have any idea why he has done this?”
Both Don and Alan shook their heads. “No,” Alan said. “I mean his fiancée left last night but, I mean they’re just taking a little time...”
“It wasn’t that. Not really.” David reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper. He had snatched it off the sink and read it in the ambulance. In it Charlie laid everything out. From Jesse, to Don’s bad advice, to Charlie’s medieval self inflicted sexual reprogramming techniques, to attempts to fulfill his destiny, to Amita leaving. The only thing he left out was David’s part in the mess. David wasn’t sure why. He apologized in it to Alan but since he wasn’t going to be able to properly fulfill his duties as a son it would all be for the best. He apologized to Don as well but made a point to name several other mathematicians and scientists who could take over his case load. He thanked David for being a friend. There was no message for Amita or Larry.
David handed the blood streaked sheet to the doctor who read it over quickly. “Oh, I see,” the doctor sighed. “Well, at least he’s in LA.”
The doctor handed the letter to Alan. Alan’s sobs, which had just begun to abate, started again as he read, a hand pressed over his mouth. About half way through he turned around and punched Don in the arm.
“Oww.” Don rubbed the spot. “What did I do?”
Alan thrust the letter at Don. Don began to read. He sat down and kept reading. After he got to the end he hung his head between his legs his shoulders shaking.
Dr. Patel folded his arms. “Now I am going to ask and I want a completely honest answer; do either of you have a problem with having a gay person in your family?”
“No,” Alan’s voice was insistent. “Of course not. I wouldn’t have cared. If he’d just said something. He’s my son. I love him.”
Don lifted his head. “I thought Chuck would just go crying to mom. I didn’t think he’d listen to me. I wouldn’t have given a shit. I mean since when has Charlie ever done anything in the curve anyway?”
The doctor sighed. “Like I said, Dr. Eppes had every intention of dying today. Now he is a smart man. My brother teaches engineering at CalSci so I know just how smart Dr. Eppes is. Unless he wakes up to the absolute love and acceptance of his family and friends he will try this again and I am sure he will do it in a way that will leave no room for error. Am I clear?”
Don and Alan both nodded. “Yes.”
“Good. I hate seeing my better stitching go to waste. Now everyone chin up, wipe your eyes. Let’s go see Dr. Eppes.”
Don and Alan followed the doctor. David invited himself along. No one told him no. Charlie was in a far corner of the ER. He was sickly pale even against the white sheets. His left arm was thickly bandaged and tubes with blood and fluid ran into his right arm. What was truly disturbing and made David’s stomach lurch were the heavy restraints keeping Charlie bound to the bed.
Alan turned away for a moment. “God,” he whispered.
Dr. Patel looked over Charlie’s chart and vitals then put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder and gave him a bit of a shake.
Charlie’s eyes fluttered a little and opened. He looked around and his face collapsed. Alan rushed over and gathered him up as much as he could. “Oh, god Charlie. Oh god,” Alan sobbed. “I would never want to lose you, for any reason. You hear me? I love you. You are my son and I love you and don’t you ever, ever try this again. Ever.”
Charlie tried to raise his hand but found it strapped to the bed. He patted his father’s leg instead.
Alan pulled back a little and Don crouched down next to Charlie. “Hey Buddy,” Don’s voice crack. “You’re an idiot you know that? You’re not supposed to listen to me. You’re supposed to take everything I say and prove me wrong.” Charlie didn’t answer. Don pressed his forehead to Charlie’s. “I can’t lose you, Buddy. I can’t lose you. Not when we’re just working out this whole brothers thing. Just tell me what you need. Anything. Okay? Anything.”
Charlie licked his lips and swallowed a few times. “Could somebody scratch my nose, please?” His voice was dry, cracked and paper thin.
Don laughed through some tears and carefully scratched the end of Charlie’s nose.
“Thank you.”
David just reached out and took Charlie’s hand. After a moment Charlie gave it a little squeeze.
David stepped out of the way and the doctor grabbed a chair and sat down next to Charlie. David had a feeling it was more out of exhaustion than anything else. “Good evening Dr. Eppes my name is Dr. Patel.”
“Any relation to the cricket player?” Charlie asked.
“No, Patel is a very common name...” The doctor froze for a second. “You know cricket?”
“I was trying to bond with my fiancée’s father,” Charlie explained, his voice still thin and his eyes half glazed. “They like cricket in India.”
Dr. Patel looked at Alan. “You were going to let him..? Oh dear.”
“He wanted me to ride a white horse,” Charlie mumbled. “I don’t like horses.”
“That is very sensible. My brother fell off his horse, spent his honeymoon in traction.”
“They’re really not going to like me now.”
The doctor patted Charlie’s hand. “It’s okay. They can’t get to you now. No white horses.” A tiny smile ghosted across Charlie’s face. “Now. You gave your family a scare today I don’t think they deserved. Any idiot can see they love you very much no matter what.”
Charlie turned his head away from the doctor. Dr. Patel picked up Charlie’s note. He waved it a couple of times.
“And this? You are in L.A. and it’s the 21st century. This is not a problem. I have two orderlies on the floor who are already referring to you as the cute one and believe me you don’t look that cute right now.”
A tiny chuckle came from Charlie’s throat and his eyes began to clear a little.
“Now, Dr. Eppes you did a lot of damage and it’s going to take a lot of work to put you back together so I’m going to ask you a serious question, should we bother?”
Charlie looked at the doctor. He opened his mouth but no sound came out.
“You’ve done your little dance with death. Your family has been beside themselves. They love you and that is not going to change. Your friend here,” he nodded to David. “That is your blood he is covered in and it took a hell of a lot to throw him out of the room when we were working on you.”
Charlie looked David over apparently just noticing the rust red covering David’s shirt.
“My brother is one of your colleagues,” The doctor continued. “So I know who you are. You are at the top of your field and rising, you have got the cool office, you have a book, you get priority on the super computer, you get to run around and play cops and robbers and have exciting adventures while everyone else is stuck at home on Saturday nights grading papers. So. Are you willing to accept the fact that you hit bottom and you’ve got no where to go but up or shall I just sign you out now and let you walk outside and step in front of a bus?”
Charlie closed his eyes and went deathly still. David held his breath. Finally Charlie shook his head.
“No bus?” Dr. Petal asked.
“No bus,” Charlie repeated almost silently. David let out the breath he’d been holding.
Dr. Patel gave a firm nod. “Good. Now. Here’s how this is going to work. Your system has been through a nasty shock so once there is room you will be moved to the ICU for 24 hours. Once you are fully stable a surgeon is going to look at your arm and see what can be done for it. You may need nerve grafts and I don’t even know what else, you did a real number on it. Once you go through surgery and are cleared to leave you will be transferred to an inpatient psychiatric facility.”
“Now hold on...” Alan tried to object but Dr. Petal just waved him away. Charlie’s face went still.
“You can either go voluntarily or involuntarily. Voluntarily will look better in the long run, but frankly you have a ruddy great gash in your arm and left an impressively detailed if poorly spelled suicide note. There is not a judge in this town who is going to believe that you are not a danger to yourself.”
Charlie swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay.”
“You have insurance through CalSci?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I will recommend you for St. Clare’s across town. It’s not a resort but it’s private and a hell of a lot better than the state set ups. Now, Dr. Eppes, at that point you will have another important decision to make. Are you listening?”
Charlie nodded.
“You are a very smart man. I have no doubt that you will work out the system within days. You will learn what to say, which boxes to tick, which doctors to flatter, you can be out of there in a week. And if you are I am willing to guarantee you will be back here or in the morgue within a year. Or... You can take a deep breath and let them actually help you. You have been hurt and I am not just talking about your arm. You have been bashing the inside of your head about for most of your life and you need to take some time and let yourself heal and let people help you get back to a place where you actually feel comfortable in your own skin instead of just faking it. Do you think you can do that?”
Charlie gave another small nod.
“Alright then. Which one of these men is allowed to make medical decisions for you?”
“Don.”
“Well I’m going to take him away for a while and make him sign lots of bits of paper he’s probably not going to actually read.”
Charlie smiled a little. “Our mother was a lawyer.”
“Well then it’ll take him even longer. Your friend and your father can stay for a bit but not too long.”
Charlie gave a small nod. Don squeezed Charlie’s good hand then followed Dr. Patel.
Alan sat down next to Charlie and picked up his hand. “I’m so sorry, Charlie. I should have seen. I shouldn’t have put all that extra pressure on you. I...”
“It’s okay,” Charlie whispered. “Not your fault.”
David could see Charlie was beginning to fade out. He crouched down and ran his hand across Charlie’s face. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Charlie repeated blinking slowly with impending sleep.
“Don’t do that again.”
“Okay.”
“Promise.”
Charlie’s eyes closed and his lips moved. David told himself Charlie was making his promise. He watched Charlie breathe for several minutes before he could bring himself to take his hand from Charlie’s face.
David realized Alan was looking at him. “If he wakes up again tell him I’ll come and see him tomorrow.”
“Okay.” David moved to leave but Alan caught his wrist. “Thank you David.”
“I got lucky.”
“I’ll take that luck.”
“So will I.”
~
David became aware of the fact that he was shaking as he stood in front of the hospital. Colby’s truck pulled up. He got in but nothing felt quite right. The handle of the door didn’t feel quite real under his fingers. The sound was muted and the colors seemed faded. Something was nagging the edges of his hearing.
“David!” Reality slammed back in full force and David jumped.
“What?”
“Whose blood is that?” Colby carefully enunciated every word.
“Blood?”
Colby grabbed David by his shirt. “Shirt, hands, blood, whose?”
David felt slightly drunk as he spoke. “Charlie.”
“Charlie?”
“Yes.” Reality was beginning to fade out again.
“Is Charlie okay?” David didn’t answer. The question didn’t quite register. Colby shook him. “Is Charlie okay? What happened?”
“He’s alive.”
Colby finally let him go. “What the hell happened? You were going to grab a shower then Don vanished. What happened to Charlie?”
“He...” David suddenly couldn’t find the words. If he said it out loud it meant it really happened. “He, tried...” The answer must have been on his face because Colby closed his eyes.
“Jesus, fuck,” Colby breathed. “He tried to kill himself?” David tried to nod but it came off as more of a twitch. “Why?”
David opened his mouth but not even air came out. All the feelings he’d been holding back for the last several hours were rushing up and choking him.
“Okay, okay. Are Don and Alan still in there?”
This time David did manage a nod.
“Okay, then let’s get you back to my place, you can clean up, get changed, and get drunk.”
‘Clean.’ David shook his head. “No, no. I need to go back to the house. I need to clean.”
“David, man...”
“Please, Colby just drive me back to the house.”
Colby put the truck in gear. “Okay, but you are not leaving my sight.”
~
David pushed open the front door of the Craftsmen. He’d forgotten to lock it on his way out with the ambulance crew. He was half surprised he’d even managed to close it. He looked around. Nothing seemed to be missing. The TV was still there.
He noticed there was a drop of blood on the hardwood near the door. A drop of blood and a small smear of oil. He walked slowly upstairs following the trail of blood drops, Colby right behind. The bathroom door was open but the sun had gone down long before and the room was dark. David knew what he would see when he turned on the light. He did it anyway.
The room was smeared with blood. It was pooled on the floor dark red and sticky and drying to brown where he and the EMTs had stood in it and knelt in it. There were bloody hand prints on the sink and walls where David had grabbed or leaned.
“Holy, shit,” Colby breathed. “He really did it didn’t he?”
There was a small, sharp, bloody pocket knife sitting on the edge of the sink. The note had sat next to it.
“I need to clean this up.”
“You need to rest, I think you’re in shock man.”
“No, Alan wasn’t here, he didn’t see this. I can’t let him see this.” David felt Colby’s hand warm and heavy on his shoulder. “He can’t see this.”
“Okay, where’s the cleaning stuff?”
David tried to remember. “I think most of it’s in the kitchen.”
“Okay, wait here. I’ll be right back.”
David stood next to the puddle of blood as he waited for Colby. ‘I’m sorry, Charlie.’
He heard Colby coming back down the hall. He had trash bags, rolls of paper towels, sponges, a mop, bucket and a bottle of dishwashing powder. “I heard it’s good for getting up blood ‘cause it’s designed to break up fats and proteins.”
David shrugged, grabbed the paper towels, and got on his knees to start soaking up the blood that was still damp.
David found time began to slip as he cleaned. He and Colby didn’t talk. They just filled bucket after bucket with soap and water and dumped it away as it went pink.
He dipped a scrub brush right into bleach and scrubbed at tile grouting until it was whiter than it had been in the morning. The bleach burned his eyes and his lungs but he kept scrubbing.
Finally David stood in the middle of the bathroom and spun around looking for spots he missed.
“I think we got it all,” Colby said from where he was leaning in the doorway.
‘No.’
“Do you have your evidence kit in your truck?”
“Yes?” Colby answered carefully.
“I need... I need luminal. I missed some. It’s still here. The luminal...”
“No, man.”
“I...”
Colby stepped forward and firmly took the scrub brush firmly from David’s hand. “No. You don’t get to go Lady MacBeth on me. The bathroom is clean, so let’s put all the cleaning stuff away, then you are coming back to my place and getting yourself cleaned up and don’t even think about trying to argue with me.”
David looked around the bathroom. He’d never be able set foot in here again. Not without seeing the floor covered in blood. “Okay.”
“Alright. Come on.”
David let Colby led the way as they squirreled away most of the cleaning supplies and threw away anything stained pink.
They were just about to the front door when it opened and Don and Alan came in. The four of them stared at each other for a moment as if they were all strangers.
Colby moved first and pulled Alan into a hug. “Thank you,” Alan whispered. Colby hugged Don next. Don actually hugged back clinging to Colby for a few seconds and probably only pulling away out of some residual sense of propriety.
“How’s Charlie?” Colby asked when Don finally let go.
“They got him a bed in ICU for the night.”
“Good.”
There was quiet again.
“We cleaned the bathroom,” David said to fill the void.
Alan looked confused and David could spot the moment of pain when he realized why the bathroom would have needed to be cleaned. “Thank you.”
Colby pointed to David. “I’m taking this guy home and getting him cleaned up and drunk. Do you two need anything?”
“We’re fine Colby, thank you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, we’ll be okay.”
Colby gave a maternal scowl and slightly suspicious squint. “Okay, but if you need anything at all, call.”
“We’ll call. Thank you.”
“Okay.” And with that quick word Colby grabbed David by the arm and dragged him out.
~
David was handed a pair of clean sweats, a black trash bag, and a towel and was propelled into Colby’s tiny bathroom. “Scrub.” Was Colby’s order as he shut the door. David wasn’t sure if he’d have the energy. He already felt like he was falling asleep on his feet.
He stripped dumping all his clothes into the trash bag. He’d liked the suit he’d been wearing but if the oil hadn’t ruined it the blood and the bleach did. David was horrified to realize just how much blood had soaked right through and was coating his skin in places. He kicked his shoes to the side. They were dark enough that he’d try to salvage those.
Colby’s shower had a removable head with hose attachment. David started at the top and held the shower head an inch from his skin trying to power spray the day off his body. The water that ran down the drain was pink. He turned Colby’s bar of soap pink as he scrubbed at his legs and chest. When he tasted salt he though he might be bleeding himself somehow before realizing there were tears joining the shower spray.
David stayed in the shower until the tears dried up and the water was going down the drain clean. By the time he put himself together enough to emerge from the bathroom the small apartment smelled like pizza.
“I was about to come in there and make sure you weren’t scrubbing through your own skin.”
“Thought about it.” David collapsed on Colby’s couch. It could have been the end of a hundred different days but David could barely remember ever feeling this exhausted.
“Eat some pizza.”
David looked down at the pie with all his favorite toppings. “I’m not hungry.”
“You’re going to be drinking in a second. Put something in your stomach.”
David grabbed a slice and put it in his mouth. He barely tasted it but he chewed and swallowed. It took less energy than arguing with Colby would have.
Colby got up and came back with a bottle of Johnny Walker and two glasses. David was sure Colby must have learned to drink whiskey at his father’s knee. He splashed a little into his glass and considerably more into David’s.
He lifted his glass. David followed suit.
“To Charlie’s long, happy, healthy life.”
David chuckled darkly at that but drank. Colby filled up his glass again. “I’m relief supervisor. If we get a call...”
“If you get a call me, Liz and Nikki can handle whatever it is until morning and if anyone asks you and Don were working late, ordered Chinese and got mutual food poisoning.”
David looked for any hint of joking in Colby’s face then knocked back the whiskey. It burned going down but felt like it was cauterizing something in his throat that had been bleeding since he found Charlie.
Colby poured him a third big drink.
“So. How long have you had a thing for Charlie?”
David almost spit out his drink. “What makes you think...”
“Spy,” Colby answered simply. “I’ve seen your porn collection in an effort to find anything that could be used for blackmail or recruitment purposes.”
David tried to think if there was anything incriminating in his bedside collection.
“I also found that set of very anatomically correct comics.” David felt the blood rush to his face. He’d spent almost as much time working on that particular collection as the rest of his comics. And those were quite incriminating.
“For what it’s worth I’ve nosed around Don’s collection as well, Megan’s too.”
“Megan had porn?” David didn’t believe it.
“No. She had lots of novels with phrases like ‘heaving bosoms’ in them.”
David drank his whiskey. “I wouldn’t have guessed.”
“Everyone’s got a secret, but you didn’t answer my question.”
David poured himself another drunk. “Charlie’s a friend. You know that. He’s part of the team.”
“Yeah, yeah he is. How bad have you got it for him?”
David sagged in on himself. “I’m never going to have him so there’s no point in carrying a torch.” David looked at Colby. “You don’t mind. I mean...”
“Nope and if I did we wouldn’t have gotten this far.”
David thought about Charlie. He usually didn’t let himself dwell on his attraction to his presumably straight friend. He told himself he was just glad to have Charlie as a friend and crime fighting partner. Still, sometimes on the particularly lonely nights after really bad cases a fantasy Charlie would crawl into his bed and babble math softly while David took pleasure in Charlie’s body.
David let out a long sigh.
“Do you know why he did it?” Colby asked.
“Yeah,” David mumbled into his glass.
“Can you tell me?”
David grabbed the bottle and drank straight from it. “Nope.”
“Is he going to be okay?”
“I have no idea.”
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