Could You Just Hold Me? 20/50
Chapter 20
Nick woke up to a lack of Dean.
He remembered how he'd asked him to stay and how he'd held Dean's hand and there was the distant memory of Dean spooning warm behind him but he wasn't sure if that hadn't just been part of a dream.
However, when Nick woke up he was alone in the bed and nobody had slept in the second one and all in all the room lacked in Dean.
Of course, Nick thought and curled up to tight ball. He left as soon as I was asleep.
Nick wasn't sure why Dean had bothered to comfort him in the first place, false sense of responsibility was his best guess, but he wasn't surprised that Dean couldn't stand being with him in the same room for a longer amount of time. Not after what he'd done to him.
Nick was about to roll out of bed - in a minute, why was he still so tired? - and to get out of Dean's life when there was a soft knock at the door.
"Nick, you awake?" Sam poked his head in and Nick just wanted to disappear. Sam was here which meant he'd spoken to Dean so he knew. Or he'd just seen Dean and he knew what Nick had done to him. And when it came down to it, Sam had been Dean's boyfriend way longer than Nick, hell, they were brothers, there was no question where Sam stood in this.
"Hey." Sam said and set a steaming bowl on the tray Dean had left on the nightstand. It smelled delicious and Nick's stomach growled in anticipation.
"How do you feel?" Sam asked and stood for a moment like he had no idea what to do next before he sat down awkwardly on the edge of Nick's bed.
Nick propped himself up on one shaky elbow.
"Sam." His voice was still hoarse and he had to clear his throat to get the next words out. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Sam poured the rest of the apple juice in the glass but stopped in the middle of it to throw a confused glance at Nick.
"I didn't know what I was doing." It was a lame excuse. His arm gave under him and he collapsed back into the pillow. "I never wanted to hurt Dean." Nick sobbed the words into the fabric of the pillow.
"Hey." Sam's hand landed on his shoulder, reluctantly at first as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to touch Nick. "It's okay. You didn't hurt Dean. He'll walk funny for a while and he needs some sleep but that's all. He's fine."
Sam didn't get it. How could he not get it?
"I raped him!" Nick threw the words at him and sure enough Sam flinched back. Now he got it. Sam's confused expression changed but not to disgust like Nick had expected.
"No. No, Nick." Sam was close again. "You didn't. You hear me? You didn't do that to Dean."
Nick remembered the raw need. Remembered how he'd barely left Dean time to get the lube out, how he'd skipped the prep, how Dean had writhed under him in pain. And that had only been the beginning. It had become worse after that.
"She did that to you." Sam drew him out of his memories. "You are the victim here. She raped you."
Those words were a slap right in his face. But Sam wasn't done yet.
"And after that? That was the venom. You were poisoned. You had no control over it."
Nick wasn't so sure if he believed it but he nodded because that was what Sam expected from him and wiped away the fresh tears. He was crying a lot lately. But what else could you expect from a pathetic little shit like him?
"What's in the bowl?" Nick asked in desperate need to change the topic. A minute ago it had smelled delicious but now his appetite was gone.
"Bobby's special chili. You'll love it." Sam helped him to sit up and stuffed the pillow in his back to keep him upright and then placed the bowl in his lap.
Under Sam's watchful eye Nick had a few spoonful of chili and nibbled at the bread. He guessed it was good but for some reason he couldn't really taste anything. When he was done Sam took the bowl away and then they sat in uncomfortable silence.
"Ehm, Sam?" Nick slid back to a half-lying position, every muscle ached and his groin sent sparks of pain up his spine every time his cock brushed the fabric of his sweatpants. Which weren't really his and Nick didn't want to think about how he'd ended up in bed, freshly showered and dressed. In a stranger's house, no less, and he'd already overstayed his welcome.
"Yes?" Sam ask softly.
"Is it okay, you know …" Avoiding Sam's eye he picked lints from the blanket. "If I stay for the night? I'll be gone in the morning. Promise."
Sam just stared at him.
"Oh, okay." Nick's heart broke. "I can leave now." He had no idea where to go, nobody to turn to but he would leave. He reached out to throw the blanket off but Sam caught his wrist.
"May I?" Sam asked already working the bent buckle of the bracelet open. Nick swallowed but didn't protest. Of course Sam wanted it back, Nick didn't deserve it. Not anymore.
"See this?" Sam turned the bracelet around so Nick could see the inner side.
"Sam, Nick, Dean." Sam said and traced the names burned in the leather with his finger.
"This is still true, this is still us." Sam placed the bracelet in Nick's hand and closed it around the leather band. Then he covered Nick's fist with both of his large hands. "We love you. I love you. Dean may never say it but he loves you." Sam paused to let the words sink in. "You can stay as long as you want. We want you to stay. Please, stay with us."
"Sam." Nick flung himself at Sam and buried his face in his broad chest, clinging tightly to him. Sam closed his arms around him and rocked him softly.
They sat like that for a long time until Nick's sobs died down and he hung heavily in Sam's arms.
"Wanna lay down?" Sam asked in a low voice and eased him down. He didn't say anything about his shirt wet with snot and tears and that was real love, right? Nick smiled at that thought and Sam smiled right back.
"It's late." Sam observed and brushed the hair out of Nick's face. "And you look tired. You should sleep."
Sam leaned in and for a second Nick thought he would kiss him on the forehead like he was child but in the last second Sam changed direction and kissed him on the lips instead.
After that Sam just stared at him like a deer in the headlights, maybe waiting for Nick to freak out. So Nick gave him a little kiss in return.
"Good night, Nick." Sam stood up and turned to leave and now Nick started to freak out.
"Sam?" He called out but then had no idea what to say.
"Yeah?" Sam turned in the door, hand already on the light switch. Nick would be alone and in the dark and he couldn't do that. He couldn't.
Sam was back at his side in a heartbeat.
"Nick, what is it?"
"I …" This was ridiculous. "I don't think I like to be alone." There, he'd said it.
Sam didn't laugh at him. Instead he seemed torn.
"Is it okay if I get Dean?" He finally asked. "I bet he's ready for bed anyway."
Nick felt a little stab in his heart. Sam didn't want to stay with him. But then he remembered this Bobby guy who though that only Dean and Nick were together. It would look weird if Sam stayed with him instead of Dean, Nick got that. At least that was the explanation he chose to believe in, deep down he knew better.
"If he wants to." If he can stand being in the same room as me, was the unspoken part.
"He wants." Sam seemed to be certain about that and without another word he went to get Dean.
It took a minute or two, long enough for Nick to worry, but then Dean came in.
"Sam said you missed me?" Dean smiled a tired but honest smile and sat down on the second bed. "I don't know about you but the last few days were exhausting. Ready to hit the hay?"
"Could you show me the bathroom first?" Nick asked because by now his bladder was close to bursting.
Dean showed him the bathroom and even gave him some ointment for the sore parts.
Nick's penis didn't like peeing at the moment but the ointment soothed the irritation and in the end Nick could get the sweatpants up without discomfort. He quickly brushed his teeth with his finger before he returned to the guest room.
"We'll buy you some things tomorrow." Dean promised and stretched out in the second bed. Nick didn't like that but he didn't say anything either. He slipped under his own covers and Dean switched off the lights.
"Dean?" He asked after a minute.
"Hmm?"
"I didn't mean to hurt you." He said in a quiet voice. He'd talked about this with Sam but it was Dean who needed to hear it.
"You didn't hurt me." Came his answer out of the darkness. There was some shifting but Nick could only make out his silhouette. "I had to go through this on my own, remember? I knew what was coming and I offered to help you through. You didn't … rape me or anything. It was my choice."
"Sam told you." Of course he'd told Dean.
"That you're beating yourself up over something that wasn't your fault? Yeah, he told me." Dean let out a sigh. "If this is anybody's fault, it's mine. I had the chance to kill her and I screwed up. Then Bobby asked me to play bait but I wanted to celebrate our anniversary and she got away. It's my fault."
Nick thought about that for a moment. The thought of Sam and Dean out there killing monsters was still fairly new to him and he would have called them crazy if he hadn't been face to face with a monster himself.
"But if she already knew you, wouldn't she know it's a trap?"
Dean had nothing to say to that and they fell back into silence. After a while Dean started to snore softly but Nick couldn't sleep. He stared into the darkness and fought against he rising panic.
Alone with nothing but his thoughts there was nothing holding back the memories. She was there, taunting him. He felt her hands on him and remembered how kissing her had felt like. Then his mind skipped to Dean. What he'd done to Dean. His memory was fuzzy about most of it but what he remembered was bad enough.
Nick's breath hitched and he was close to hyperventilating and it was either having a full blown panic attack or doing something about it.
Praying that Sam had been right about Dean's feelings he got out of bed and padded over to the other one. Unsure what to do next he stood there with clenched fists and not enough air in his lungs.
"C'mere." Dean mumbled and lifted the covers.
continue to chapter 21
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