Starcatcher;
starcatcher | hanchul | 3452 | heechul wants his star. he wants it now.
"Look, look at that!"
Hankyung dragged Heechul all the way from his bed to the outskirts of town. Heechul was still in his pink pajamas, and freezing cold. It was in the middle of the night; the bright moon shone brightly along with millions of stars.
"Hankyung, what is it? It's like, what? 3am in the morning? And I need my beauty sleep."
"No, no. This is important. Look at that star. That one there." He pointed at a lone star west of the Big Dipper. It was the brightest one around, or at least, Heechul thought it was.
"Are you serious, Hankyung? You brought me all the way out here to see a stupid star? I'm not that free, if you hadn't noticed." Heechul complained, yawning as he spoke.
"I just wanted to show you your star. Our star. I named it after you. It's Heechul."
"God, Hankyung. Seriously? You named a freaking star after me?"
"Yeah. It's a -- It's my gift to you." He smiled, hoping that Heechul would understand.
"Hankyung, I'm never going to forgive you, get that?"
"But -- But it's -- It's special. I just wanted to -- I'm sorry, I really wanted to show you --" Heechul placed his fingers on Hankyung's lips, tiptoed. Then, he pressed his lips against Hankyung's ear.
"Unless you catch me a star." He whispered.
*
Heechul was sitting at beside his window, a notepad and pen in his hands. He looked up; the sky was seemingly dark and empty, stars hidden by the city lights. He strained his eyes, desperately trying to look for his star.
He can't, because it is no longer there.
Heechul realized that Hankyung hasn't caught him a star, yet. He wants it desperately, he wants it now. He wants Hankyung to come back and catch one for him. He wants that fucking star so badly.
A teardrop fell on the notepad, smudging a part of what Heechul wrote. It smudged the 'I love you'.
*Heechul stepped into Hankyung's room. Nothing changed. It was the same bed, same wardrobe, same colour. It just lacked something. Something that would make everything complete and Heechul's world perfect again.
It lacked everything Heechul ever wanted. (And he would give whatever it takes to have him by his side again.)
*
That day, the whole group gathered to film a program. (Life had to go on, no matter how hard it was.) Backstage, Heechul counted the other members. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. He counted again. Same results -- nine. He counted once again. Still nine.
Why?
Heechul imagined Hankyung walking into the set; his smile. He imagined Hankyung's careless whispers, random nothings and everything. He imagined Hankyung hugging him, comforting him on occasions like this. He could almost feel Hankyung stroking his cheeks now, wiping away the tears. Oh god, it felt so real.
And then, Heechul realized that all these would not have happened if Hankyung was here.
*
That night, the group was at a local restaurant -- one selling Jajang noodles. A delicacy, they would call it. The waiter came and approached the leader, Leeteuk. We'll like thirteen, I mean, ten bowls, please. Thank you. The leader missed thirteen, too.
Throughout the whole duration of dinner, Heechul only looked down. He barely touched his food. He had no appetite, anyway. He just stared at his manicured fingernails, peeling off the top layer of nail polish.
*
"Guys, we're on TV now!" Leeteuk called out to all the members. It was a Music Awards show that was broadcasted live the day before, and the boys recorded it so that they could view themselves on TV.
The members started running out of their rooms. Sungmin was in his pink pyjamas and fluffy slippers. Ryeowook came out with all in piano scoresheets. Donghae ran out from the bathroom with a toothbrush in in mouth, toothpaste dripping all over.
"Donghae, you better clean that up." Leeteuk told him, and received a sad nod in return.
Heechul and Hankyung, however, strolled out of their room (they were in the same room) slowly. When Heechul saw his face on TV, he immediately ran to the couch, shoving Eunhyuk out of the way and sitting in his place.
"Oh, God. I look so ugly." Heechul covered his face in disgust. "Seriously, look at those --" He stopped before finishing that sentence when he realized that he was the one who chose those pants himself, despite the disagreement of the wardrobe lady and his fellow members.
The boys couldn't stop chattering. Until Leeteuk shushed everyone when the results of the Music Awards was announced. Then, when the host announced that Super Junior won, all of them jumped. They already knew the results from the night before, but hearing it all over again made them happy. They congratulated each other with hugs, jumping with joy as they did.
When they finally settled down, they watched themselves cry during the awards ceromony, when Leeteuk received the trophy. Heechul saw himself comforting Hankyung as the younger boy cried. He understood how difficult it was for Hankyung to make it so far, and that boy deserved a pat on his back.
"You are such a crybaby." Hechul told Hankyung as he gave him a pat on his back.
"Don't deny, you cried so hard in the toilet when we returned yesterday night." Hankyung grinned.
Heechul was slightly surprised. How did Hankyung know? "At least I didn't cry on set. It's shameful."
"Well, I wouldn't want to fake anything." Hankyung replied.
*
Heechul watched Hankyung on TV. This time, it was only him, performing in his solo concert. Hankyung had the same eyes, same features, same hairstyle. But somehow, he looked different. No, he felt different.
Hankyung still had many fans -- innocent young girls holding lighted-up fansigns with his name on it. Heechul wished that he was one of them, one of the young fans that never knew Hankyung until now. He wished that he has never lived with him, because that way, it would be easier to accept.
The last song of Hankyung's concert was a song that Heechul heard a million times already; he bought the album and put that song on replay.
The song was called Starcatcher.
Halfway through the song, Heechul was already crying. He made a bet with Donghae that he would not cry if he watched Hankyung's concert. Donghae was trying his best to make his hyung forget all the painful memories and be happy. Heechul survived the whole concert, and was almost sure that he would win the bibimbap that Donghae promised. But when that song played, Heechul already knew that he would fail.
Our love is so great,
I'll catch a star for you.
Heechul threw the remote control that he was holding his hand towards the TV screen. The screen cracked, and the image of Hankyung shattered. There were pieces of glass all over the floor.
You lied, he thought; where's my star?
Heechul curled himself up, perhaps trying to make himself as small as possible, so that others won't notice. He was crying really hard. He couldn't stop. No matter how he told himself that Hankyung was not worth crying over, he just couldn't stop. He didn't want to.
He didn't want to give Hankyung up.
Donghae, who was been at one side all along to check if Heechul has been crying or not, already has his arms wrapped around his hyung.
"It's okay, hyung. It's okay." Donghae whispered into Heechul's ears. Teardrops rolled down his cheeks; how long has it been since this cheerful boy cried?
Because deep down, Donghae knew that it wasn't okay.
*
To celebrate their win, the boys' manager allowed them a break. The whole group and decided to fly to a secluded place -- a tropical island, or something -- to enjoy themselves. Hankyung and Heechul, they chose to stay in Korean. He's a foreigner, anyway. It would be like a new experience for him. Heechul would argue everytime the group persuaded them to go with them. Heechul refused -- Hankyung didn't say anything -- to go with the group. Finally, the group gave up and left.
"Let's go for a road trip," Heechul suggested one day.
"To where?" Hankyung asked while washing the dishes.
"Anywhere. We'll drive and drive until we find -- until we find our escape."
*
The next morning, Hankyung found himself tucked into Heechul's classic convertible. And true to his words, Heechul drove on and on.
He drove on and on until they got lost.
"Where the hell are we?"
"How am I supposed to know. You were the driver." Hankyung snapped back.
"And you were supposed to be the navigator." Heechul said, not wanting to admit that he was the one who got them into so much trouble.
Navigator. How was he supposed to navigate when Heechul didn't pack a map. We're supposed to be free, you know, not restrained by a stupid piece of paper.
To the hell with maps. Hankyung couldn't even read half of the words in it.
*
Since it got darker after they realized they were lost (Heechul continued driving, making them more lost now), they decided to pitch a tent there to rest before continuing with their journey the next day. Thank goodness Hankyung helped out with the packing because, how were they supposed to survive on nail polish, hair gel and stockings?
In the tent, Hankyung dozed off within seconds, while Heechul tossed and turned (and tossed and turned again) without closing his eyes. It wasn't because he couldn't sleep in such a difficult terrain; he parents sent his to some army camp when he was fourteen in a desperate bid to make him more manly. Heechul was thinking.
He needed a getaway; a short period of freedom so that he could think about his life. So he wandered off from his tent, Hankyung still sleeping soundly inside.
Being a celebrity, being the Kim Heechul everybody sees him as, it has brought him fame. But there were just as many cons for every good point he could find. He was well-known, but how well do people really know him? He was perfect-guy-with-no-troubles, but inside, he was just like every other person. He will get pimples, fuss over them, only to cover them with make-up to make him seem like he's any different, any more perfect.
The real Kim Heechul, somewhere deep down, is waiting to be set free. The real Kim Heechul was sick of this.
And the real Kim Heechul was totally absorbed in his thoughts until he felt that he was lost. He scanned his surroundings quickly, almost desperate, and confirmed that he was lost. The real Kim Heechul, unable to put on a brave front, crouched down and cried, hugging his legs, as if seeking for comfort.
*
Heechul spotted a light approaching from the corner of his eye. It was dim, not bright enough to see very far, but at least better than his current state. He stood up and flailed his arms. He noticed that the person with the torchlight obviously couldn't spot him in the darkness, so he shouted.
Hankyung heard Heechul and dropped his torchlight. He ran forward.
Heechul couldn't see the light anymore. No, please no, he chanted. Until he felt an arm over him from behind.
Hankyung took Heechul in a tight embrace, holding him close to his heart. There, they stood for a long time. Neither of them spoke a word.
Hankyung didn't sleep that night. He placed his arm around Heechul, who was sound asleep on his shoulder, almost smiling.
Heechul was awoken by a beautiful sunrise. It was the most beautiful one they had ever seen.
*
The next day, Heechul asked his manager for a break. The boys had an important schedule that day, but Heechul looked like he couldn’t even go shopping (usually his favourite thing to do), let alone be on a program. So the manager agreed and Heechul set off.
Heechul didn’t actually know where he wanted to go, but he figured that he’ll just get into his car and drive.
Usually, when Heechul travelled, it would be for some photo shoot faraway or for a television show. Whatever it was for, at least he had a goal in mind. This time, he was just going aimlessly, driving around in circles (Heechul was sure that he had passed that shop three times), not sure when to stop.
He just wanted to be alone for while. He wanted to think about something, his life, to be exact, and being in the dorms, with every member asking “are you okay?” every three seconds, was not exactly conducive.
Finally, he ended up in the highlands of Korea (he never planned to go there; he just did) and stopped at a grassy plain overlooking a beautiful valley.
He lay down, like how they always did, and stared at the sky. It was of a pretty blue, dotted with fluffy white clouds. (Heechul wished he could sit on those.) But finally, it felt quiet and for so long, it never did.
For a moment there (even if it’s for a very short while), he thought he felt happy.
*
Hankyung dragged Heechul to a really romantic place, or so he thought. He pulled his car to a stop at the most scenic look-out point on the mountain and then stood in front of Heechul, stuttering.
Heechul shook his head. “My god, what’s wrong with you? How doI even know you in the first place?”
It’s now or never, Hankyung thought, as he kneeled down and pulled out a ring. “Heechul, I really love you and I want to be with you forever. I promise I’ll never leave you.” Hankyung knew that they were clichéd proposal lines, but they were the only words he could think of right now.
Sometimes, you’ll never know what is Heechul thinking about, because for one moment, his eyes glittered under the sunlight and the next, he said “Oh you corny little asshole.”
Hankyung held Heechul’s hand; Heechul didn’t flinch and Hankyung placed the ring of his finger. “Glad you liked it.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Heechul protested as Hankyung pulled him into a hug.
“You just did,” Hankyung laughed but didn’t let go.
Heechul pushed Hankyung away and ran off, turning back half-way, “Fuck you.”
They spent the next hour arguing over who’s the bigger jerk? and at a point of time, Heechul even threatened to throw the rung over the valley.
But deep-down inside, Heechul knew that he loved it.
*
The ring. It was a pretty silver band with a prettier pink diamond on it. And Heechul loves it.
Well, at least, he used to love it. Now, he just hates it. It wasn’t because it reminded him of Hankyung, or that their love is gone. It was because the ring is just a ring, a stupid piece of metal. It didn’t have any significance behind it anymore, because the promise Hankyung made, it was broken. With the promise gone, the purpose of the ring was gone, too.
Heechul realized that he didn’t need the ring anymore. He took it off (he figured that Hankyung already did a long time back) and held it in his hands. He didn’t want to look at it, because all he saw were broken promises, lost memories, the hurt and betrayal. And Hankyung. (And Hankyung wasn’t by his side.)
He was on a mountain, which was a perfect place to forget. With a final kiss, Heechul closed his eyes (a lone tear flowed across his cheeks) and threw the ring over the valley.
*
That night, at the look-out point, Heechul sat close to Hankyung. It was cold, and that was an understatement because it was actually freezing. But that was also a perfect excuse to huddle beside Hankyung. (Not that Hankyung would refuse a hug if he asked for one.)
“That,” Hankyung pointed at a bright lone star, “is your star.”
“Oh, I remember.” Heechul grinned.
“Yeah, you remember your star. Heechul.”
“No, I remembered that you still owe me a star. You said that you’ll catch one for me because I haven’t forgiven you, Hankyung.” Despite the harsh words, Heechul snuggled closer to Hankyung. He could feel Hankyung’s hand stroking his arm and he was smiling.
“I would,” Hankyung promised, “Heechul, I would catch you a star.”
Heechul just shook his head. “You promise a lot of things, don’t you? Would you ever get to doing everything?”
“I won’t,” Hankyung replied. “I won’t be able to do everything but it doesn’t matter because you’ll be by my side. Right?”
“Right,” Heechul said and he really meant it because he wouldn’t know what to do if he didn’t wake up to see Hankyung by his side every morning. He wouldn’t be able to do anything without Hankyung. “And my star?”
“That,” he paused, “and everything else that I said I’ll do for you, I’ll get to those.” Because it’s Kim Heechul, and Hankyung loves Kim Heechul. He’ll do anything and everything for Kim Heechul.
*
His finger felt empty; somewhat lighter, as if all the burdens have been taken off him. He could still see the mark the ring left though. He had never taken it off, so his skin couldn’t get use to it so quickly. But somehow, contrary to what others might think, Heechul felt better.
He wasn’t sure how that was possible and he thought long and hard about it. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I regret loving him? No.
He didn’t realize that the sun was already halfway behind the horizon, tainting the sky red, orange, pink. The colour of love. And very soon, it was night time.
Night times used to be the best times, because they would sneak out and talk; they’ll talk and talk until the sun rises and it’s time to return. Then night times became the most horrible times for Heechul because there was nothing that he could do to distract himself and his mind would start thinking, dreaming. He hates it. The thought of it scares him.
Now he wonders how he became like this. After all, he was supposed to be the stronger one, the one who always had the final say. He wonders who made him this way. The one who left or the one who got left behind?
He doesn’t know what made him, but Heechul looked up. Without the city lights, the stars could all be seen. But even with every other star looking exactly the same, he could find the one that belongs to him. It’s been so long, he thought, and I lived through it all.
After the incident, every single detail of their relationship kept surfacing in Heechul’s mind, at different times; it caused him to break down at the most inappropriate moments. Everything reminded him of what they’ve gone through together. He tried to push them out of his head but he couldn’t. Later, he realized how hard he wass fighting to hold on to any remaining bits of them. He doesn’t want them to slip through his fingertips, like how he did. Now, he’s forgetting bit by bit every day, until one day he realizes that he doesn’t have any of their love in him anymore; until one day he realizes that they have became nothing more than a distant memory.
He was so preoccupied in his thoughts that he failed to realize how his star - a flicker of light in the night sky - is shining brighter than it ever did before.
click here to be my friend.
"Look, look at that!"
Hankyung dragged Heechul all the way from his bed to the outskirts of town. Heechul was still in his pink pajamas, and freezing cold. It was in the middle of the night; the bright moon shone brightly along with millions of stars.
"Hankyung, what is it? It's like, what? 3am in the morning? And I need my beauty sleep."
"No, no. This is important. Look at that star. That one there." He pointed at a lone star west of the Big Dipper. It was the brightest one around, or at least, Heechul thought it was.
"Are you serious, Hankyung? You brought me all the way out here to see a stupid star? I'm not that free, if you hadn't noticed." Heechul complained, yawning as he spoke.
"I just wanted to show you your star. Our star. I named it after you. It's Heechul."
"God, Hankyung. Seriously? You named a freaking star after me?"
"Yeah. It's a -- It's my gift to you." He smiled, hoping that Heechul would understand.
"Hankyung, I'm never going to forgive you, get that?"
"But -- But it's -- It's special. I just wanted to -- I'm sorry, I really wanted to show you --" Heechul placed his fingers on Hankyung's lips, tiptoed. Then, he pressed his lips against Hankyung's ear.
"Unless you catch me a star." He whispered.
*
Heechul was sitting at beside his window, a notepad and pen in his hands. He looked up; the sky was seemingly dark and empty, stars hidden by the city lights. He strained his eyes, desperately trying to look for his star.
He can't, because it is no longer there.
Heechul realized that Hankyung hasn't caught him a star, yet. He wants it desperately, he wants it now. He wants Hankyung to come back and catch one for him. He wants that fucking star so badly.
A teardrop fell on the notepad, smudging a part of what Heechul wrote. It smudged the 'I love you'.
*Heechul stepped into Hankyung's room. Nothing changed. It was the same bed, same wardrobe, same colour. It just lacked something. Something that would make everything complete and Heechul's world perfect again.
It lacked everything Heechul ever wanted. (And he would give whatever it takes to have him by his side again.)
*
That day, the whole group gathered to film a program. (Life had to go on, no matter how hard it was.) Backstage, Heechul counted the other members. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. He counted again. Same results -- nine. He counted once again. Still nine.
Why?
Heechul imagined Hankyung walking into the set; his smile. He imagined Hankyung's careless whispers, random nothings and everything. He imagined Hankyung hugging him, comforting him on occasions like this. He could almost feel Hankyung stroking his cheeks now, wiping away the tears. Oh god, it felt so real.
And then, Heechul realized that all these would not have happened if Hankyung was here.
*
That night, the group was at a local restaurant -- one selling Jajang noodles. A delicacy, they would call it. The waiter came and approached the leader, Leeteuk. We'll like thirteen, I mean, ten bowls, please. Thank you. The leader missed thirteen, too.
Throughout the whole duration of dinner, Heechul only looked down. He barely touched his food. He had no appetite, anyway. He just stared at his manicured fingernails, peeling off the top layer of nail polish.
*
"Guys, we're on TV now!" Leeteuk called out to all the members. It was a Music Awards show that was broadcasted live the day before, and the boys recorded it so that they could view themselves on TV.
The members started running out of their rooms. Sungmin was in his pink pyjamas and fluffy slippers. Ryeowook came out with all in piano scoresheets. Donghae ran out from the bathroom with a toothbrush in in mouth, toothpaste dripping all over.
"Donghae, you better clean that up." Leeteuk told him, and received a sad nod in return.
Heechul and Hankyung, however, strolled out of their room (they were in the same room) slowly. When Heechul saw his face on TV, he immediately ran to the couch, shoving Eunhyuk out of the way and sitting in his place.
"Oh, God. I look so ugly." Heechul covered his face in disgust. "Seriously, look at those --" He stopped before finishing that sentence when he realized that he was the one who chose those pants himself, despite the disagreement of the wardrobe lady and his fellow members.
The boys couldn't stop chattering. Until Leeteuk shushed everyone when the results of the Music Awards was announced. Then, when the host announced that Super Junior won, all of them jumped. They already knew the results from the night before, but hearing it all over again made them happy. They congratulated each other with hugs, jumping with joy as they did.
When they finally settled down, they watched themselves cry during the awards ceromony, when Leeteuk received the trophy. Heechul saw himself comforting Hankyung as the younger boy cried. He understood how difficult it was for Hankyung to make it so far, and that boy deserved a pat on his back.
"You are such a crybaby." Hechul told Hankyung as he gave him a pat on his back.
"Don't deny, you cried so hard in the toilet when we returned yesterday night." Hankyung grinned.
Heechul was slightly surprised. How did Hankyung know? "At least I didn't cry on set. It's shameful."
"Well, I wouldn't want to fake anything." Hankyung replied.
*
Heechul watched Hankyung on TV. This time, it was only him, performing in his solo concert. Hankyung had the same eyes, same features, same hairstyle. But somehow, he looked different. No, he felt different.
Hankyung still had many fans -- innocent young girls holding lighted-up fansigns with his name on it. Heechul wished that he was one of them, one of the young fans that never knew Hankyung until now. He wished that he has never lived with him, because that way, it would be easier to accept.
The last song of Hankyung's concert was a song that Heechul heard a million times already; he bought the album and put that song on replay.
The song was called Starcatcher.
Halfway through the song, Heechul was already crying. He made a bet with Donghae that he would not cry if he watched Hankyung's concert. Donghae was trying his best to make his hyung forget all the painful memories and be happy. Heechul survived the whole concert, and was almost sure that he would win the bibimbap that Donghae promised. But when that song played, Heechul already knew that he would fail.
Our love is so great,
I'll catch a star for you.
Heechul threw the remote control that he was holding his hand towards the TV screen. The screen cracked, and the image of Hankyung shattered. There were pieces of glass all over the floor.
You lied, he thought; where's my star?
Heechul curled himself up, perhaps trying to make himself as small as possible, so that others won't notice. He was crying really hard. He couldn't stop. No matter how he told himself that Hankyung was not worth crying over, he just couldn't stop. He didn't want to.
He didn't want to give Hankyung up.
Donghae, who was been at one side all along to check if Heechul has been crying or not, already has his arms wrapped around his hyung.
"It's okay, hyung. It's okay." Donghae whispered into Heechul's ears. Teardrops rolled down his cheeks; how long has it been since this cheerful boy cried?
Because deep down, Donghae knew that it wasn't okay.
*
To celebrate their win, the boys' manager allowed them a break. The whole group and decided to fly to a secluded place -- a tropical island, or something -- to enjoy themselves. Hankyung and Heechul, they chose to stay in Korean. He's a foreigner, anyway. It would be like a new experience for him. Heechul would argue everytime the group persuaded them to go with them. Heechul refused -- Hankyung didn't say anything -- to go with the group. Finally, the group gave up and left.
"Let's go for a road trip," Heechul suggested one day.
"To where?" Hankyung asked while washing the dishes.
"Anywhere. We'll drive and drive until we find -- until we find our escape."
*
The next morning, Hankyung found himself tucked into Heechul's classic convertible. And true to his words, Heechul drove on and on.
He drove on and on until they got lost.
"Where the hell are we?"
"How am I supposed to know. You were the driver." Hankyung snapped back.
"And you were supposed to be the navigator." Heechul said, not wanting to admit that he was the one who got them into so much trouble.
Navigator. How was he supposed to navigate when Heechul didn't pack a map. We're supposed to be free, you know, not restrained by a stupid piece of paper.
To the hell with maps. Hankyung couldn't even read half of the words in it.
*
Since it got darker after they realized they were lost (Heechul continued driving, making them more lost now), they decided to pitch a tent there to rest before continuing with their journey the next day. Thank goodness Hankyung helped out with the packing because, how were they supposed to survive on nail polish, hair gel and stockings?
In the tent, Hankyung dozed off within seconds, while Heechul tossed and turned (and tossed and turned again) without closing his eyes. It wasn't because he couldn't sleep in such a difficult terrain; he parents sent his to some army camp when he was fourteen in a desperate bid to make him more manly. Heechul was thinking.
He needed a getaway; a short period of freedom so that he could think about his life. So he wandered off from his tent, Hankyung still sleeping soundly inside.
Being a celebrity, being the Kim Heechul everybody sees him as, it has brought him fame. But there were just as many cons for every good point he could find. He was well-known, but how well do people really know him? He was perfect-guy-with-no-troubles, but inside, he was just like every other person. He will get pimples, fuss over them, only to cover them with make-up to make him seem like he's any different, any more perfect.
The real Kim Heechul, somewhere deep down, is waiting to be set free. The real Kim Heechul was sick of this.
And the real Kim Heechul was totally absorbed in his thoughts until he felt that he was lost. He scanned his surroundings quickly, almost desperate, and confirmed that he was lost. The real Kim Heechul, unable to put on a brave front, crouched down and cried, hugging his legs, as if seeking for comfort.
*
Heechul spotted a light approaching from the corner of his eye. It was dim, not bright enough to see very far, but at least better than his current state. He stood up and flailed his arms. He noticed that the person with the torchlight obviously couldn't spot him in the darkness, so he shouted.
Hankyung heard Heechul and dropped his torchlight. He ran forward.
Heechul couldn't see the light anymore. No, please no, he chanted. Until he felt an arm over him from behind.
Hankyung took Heechul in a tight embrace, holding him close to his heart. There, they stood for a long time. Neither of them spoke a word.
Hankyung didn't sleep that night. He placed his arm around Heechul, who was sound asleep on his shoulder, almost smiling.
Heechul was awoken by a beautiful sunrise. It was the most beautiful one they had ever seen.
*
The next day, Heechul asked his manager for a break. The boys had an important schedule that day, but Heechul looked like he couldn’t even go shopping (usually his favourite thing to do), let alone be on a program. So the manager agreed and Heechul set off.
Heechul didn’t actually know where he wanted to go, but he figured that he’ll just get into his car and drive.
Usually, when Heechul travelled, it would be for some photo shoot faraway or for a television show. Whatever it was for, at least he had a goal in mind. This time, he was just going aimlessly, driving around in circles (Heechul was sure that he had passed that shop three times), not sure when to stop.
He just wanted to be alone for while. He wanted to think about something, his life, to be exact, and being in the dorms, with every member asking “are you okay?” every three seconds, was not exactly conducive.
Finally, he ended up in the highlands of Korea (he never planned to go there; he just did) and stopped at a grassy plain overlooking a beautiful valley.
He lay down, like how they always did, and stared at the sky. It was of a pretty blue, dotted with fluffy white clouds. (Heechul wished he could sit on those.) But finally, it felt quiet and for so long, it never did.
For a moment there (even if it’s for a very short while), he thought he felt happy.
*
Hankyung dragged Heechul to a really romantic place, or so he thought. He pulled his car to a stop at the most scenic look-out point on the mountain and then stood in front of Heechul, stuttering.
Heechul shook his head. “My god, what’s wrong with you? How doI even know you in the first place?”
It’s now or never, Hankyung thought, as he kneeled down and pulled out a ring. “Heechul, I really love you and I want to be with you forever. I promise I’ll never leave you.” Hankyung knew that they were clichéd proposal lines, but they were the only words he could think of right now.
Sometimes, you’ll never know what is Heechul thinking about, because for one moment, his eyes glittered under the sunlight and the next, he said “Oh you corny little asshole.”
Hankyung held Heechul’s hand; Heechul didn’t flinch and Hankyung placed the ring of his finger. “Glad you liked it.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Heechul protested as Hankyung pulled him into a hug.
“You just did,” Hankyung laughed but didn’t let go.
Heechul pushed Hankyung away and ran off, turning back half-way, “Fuck you.”
They spent the next hour arguing over who’s the bigger jerk? and at a point of time, Heechul even threatened to throw the rung over the valley.
But deep-down inside, Heechul knew that he loved it.
*
The ring. It was a pretty silver band with a prettier pink diamond on it. And Heechul loves it.
Well, at least, he used to love it. Now, he just hates it. It wasn’t because it reminded him of Hankyung, or that their love is gone. It was because the ring is just a ring, a stupid piece of metal. It didn’t have any significance behind it anymore, because the promise Hankyung made, it was broken. With the promise gone, the purpose of the ring was gone, too.
Heechul realized that he didn’t need the ring anymore. He took it off (he figured that Hankyung already did a long time back) and held it in his hands. He didn’t want to look at it, because all he saw were broken promises, lost memories, the hurt and betrayal. And Hankyung. (And Hankyung wasn’t by his side.)
He was on a mountain, which was a perfect place to forget. With a final kiss, Heechul closed his eyes (a lone tear flowed across his cheeks) and threw the ring over the valley.
*
That night, at the look-out point, Heechul sat close to Hankyung. It was cold, and that was an understatement because it was actually freezing. But that was also a perfect excuse to huddle beside Hankyung. (Not that Hankyung would refuse a hug if he asked for one.)
“That,” Hankyung pointed at a bright lone star, “is your star.”
“Oh, I remember.” Heechul grinned.
“Yeah, you remember your star. Heechul.”
“No, I remembered that you still owe me a star. You said that you’ll catch one for me because I haven’t forgiven you, Hankyung.” Despite the harsh words, Heechul snuggled closer to Hankyung. He could feel Hankyung’s hand stroking his arm and he was smiling.
“I would,” Hankyung promised, “Heechul, I would catch you a star.”
Heechul just shook his head. “You promise a lot of things, don’t you? Would you ever get to doing everything?”
“I won’t,” Hankyung replied. “I won’t be able to do everything but it doesn’t matter because you’ll be by my side. Right?”
“Right,” Heechul said and he really meant it because he wouldn’t know what to do if he didn’t wake up to see Hankyung by his side every morning. He wouldn’t be able to do anything without Hankyung. “And my star?”
“That,” he paused, “and everything else that I said I’ll do for you, I’ll get to those.” Because it’s Kim Heechul, and Hankyung loves Kim Heechul. He’ll do anything and everything for Kim Heechul.
*
His finger felt empty; somewhat lighter, as if all the burdens have been taken off him. He could still see the mark the ring left though. He had never taken it off, so his skin couldn’t get use to it so quickly. But somehow, contrary to what others might think, Heechul felt better.
He wasn’t sure how that was possible and he thought long and hard about it. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I regret loving him? No.
He didn’t realize that the sun was already halfway behind the horizon, tainting the sky red, orange, pink. The colour of love. And very soon, it was night time.
Night times used to be the best times, because they would sneak out and talk; they’ll talk and talk until the sun rises and it’s time to return. Then night times became the most horrible times for Heechul because there was nothing that he could do to distract himself and his mind would start thinking, dreaming. He hates it. The thought of it scares him.
Now he wonders how he became like this. After all, he was supposed to be the stronger one, the one who always had the final say. He wonders who made him this way. The one who left or the one who got left behind?
He doesn’t know what made him, but Heechul looked up. Without the city lights, the stars could all be seen. But even with every other star looking exactly the same, he could find the one that belongs to him. It’s been so long, he thought, and I lived through it all.
After the incident, every single detail of their relationship kept surfacing in Heechul’s mind, at different times; it caused him to break down at the most inappropriate moments. Everything reminded him of what they’ve gone through together. He tried to push them out of his head but he couldn’t. Later, he realized how hard he wass fighting to hold on to any remaining bits of them. He doesn’t want them to slip through his fingertips, like how he did. Now, he’s forgetting bit by bit every day, until one day he realizes that he doesn’t have any of their love in him anymore; until one day he realizes that they have became nothing more than a distant memory.
He was so preoccupied in his thoughts that he failed to realize how his star - a flicker of light in the night sky - is shining brighter than it ever did before.
click here to be my friend.