[fic] no lies, no apologies

[kwritten]

fic: no lies, no apologies
fandom: btvs
pairing: buffy/tara
word count: 2,000
setting: an au in which Dead Things ends just slightly differently
note: inspired by a conversation had with red_satin_doll about the tropes that are used in bara fic. WARNING: this is *not* the bara that you may be used to. not too sure about the ending, but ... it is what it is

Comments

[red_satin_doll]

WARNING: this is *not* the bara that you may be used to. not too sure about the ending, but ... it is what it is
warning: my over-identification with Tara reaches new levels every day

OH KELSEY! I've read through this three times tonight - where does this brilliance come from? How is this possible even?

This is everything I could want in a Bara fic that veers off from Dead Things. I want to be coherent and eloquent and I don't know how to be in response to this, beyond the fact that I truly love this.

This is how I wish S6 had gone.

I have been fascinated since I watched the series with the ways Tara fits into the narrative beyond "Willow's lover" - how she fits into Buffy's arc, how she makes her own way within it, how they mirror one another in ways that canon doesn't even seem to be aware of. (Oh god they threw Tara away like a piece of trash.)

Call me a monster. Tell me I’m trash.I can hear Sarah whisper this. I can see her and Amber play the entire thing out. And i love the interweaving of first-person present tense, the

[kwritten]

This is how I wish S6 had gone.
There are so many things I want from S6. I never knew how desperately I wanted *this* of all things. An acknowledgment that Tara is damaged and hurt. An acknowledgment that Buffy and Tara are so manipulated by their cultures for so long to be selfless and good and any deviance from that is seen as something that must be punished?

We could have had it all.

(Oh god they threw Tara away like a piece of trash.)
I keep reading this sentence over and over again and it has made me cry because... so often fandom is able to point out the fact that Tara wasn't given fair and proper treatment by the text and most of the time I'm just so happy that we were able to have her at all? that I forget how ill-treated she was.

I'm so glad that you like this. It was not at all complete id-fic on my part.

how she fits into Buffy's arc, how she makes her own way within it, how they mirror one another in ways that canon doesn't even seem to be aware ofYes. I was actually thinking that it's so interesting and something I

[kwritten]

(in the universal sense and I suspect the deeply personal sense of you and I, Kelsey
deeply, deeply personal to me.

There was a meta that I think you recommended a while back about Tara - and it looked at her actions a bit more harshly, pointing out the times when she wasn't a "good" person in the way that so often fandom wants to believe her to be. And the thing that struck me in that essay - was *not* that Tara's behavior was ... a bit more destructive/manipulative/abusive than I usually think of her - but that everything that author pointed to as being abusive behavior *I* read as defense mechanisms of an abused person?

Tara was abused her whole life by her family and then by Willow - and so it makes sense to me that she would begin to lash out in ways that are not ... good or "kind" ways. Because all she has known is abuse

[pocochina]

This is gorgeous, Kelsey.

It's a delicate thing with Tara, because - yes, I do love and admire that kindness in her, but it comes in part from experiences she never should have had to survive, and it pulls her toward other experiences nobody deserves to have. And having spent a lot of time with other characters since getting invested in her, I remain really impressed with how the narrative just let her be who she was, with her damage and her genuine kindness and all. <3

[kwritten]

*blushes* thank you so much

I remain really impressed with how the narrative just let her be who she was, with her damage and her genuine kindness and all
Yes. Despite not getting the amount of screentime that I personally feel as though she deserved, I have always felt that she was. Damaged and fierce and gentle and kind. It could have been explored more, but the little that we got was well-handled.

Thanks so much for reading!

[red_satin_doll]

I just wanted to let you know Kelsey I read your comments several times yesterday and haven't replied because I'm still processing (and taking care of my sweetie after you know what, is there an irony there?) and when I read your comments on "mutual abuse" I think my heart literally stopped for a second.

I'm still taking it all in and pondering, not because it's strange to me but because that is me, all the masks, all the rationalizations, all the ways I identify with my own victimization and wrap it around myself and cling to it, wear it like a badge of honor/shame.

I have to think about all of this.

You speak truth.

ETA: And my mother. Holy shit have you got me pondering. Which is of the good, always. (you amaze me.)

[kwritten]

*deep breath*

**gets very personal**

this week there have been some huge upheavals at my job that have lead to my personal character and my (apparently obvious) struggle with depression this year being dragged out into the open and exposed, judged, and ridiculed.

In a conversation with a woman who has known me for two years - I admitted that I've noticed that when I am nervous, uncomfortable, stressed, tired, or feel threatened in any way - my voice drops several octaves and sounds like what another person might identify as "angry" and I genuinely have no idea how to prevent this from happening. I feel as though I have to preamble every conversation with, "yes my stressed voice sounds like my angry voice but I'm not angry, sorry" and that's tiresome

[red_satin_doll]

I wish I had time to answer this properly Kelsey because i LIVE EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS, EVERY DAY. I wish I had answers (and also, time right now, I feel badly that I don't because I know this, I know it, the ridiculousness of swallowing and swallowing anger to please other people and then god forbid you express anger in any way...you stop being nice and suddenly everyone is shocked and you're labelled unpleasant; because all the times you've been kind and helpful and gone out of your way is just EXPECTED, it's white noise, like you exist for that reason alone.)

Which is why I get angry when people get down on Tara or Buffy for being angry, when Buffy isn't "buffybot" when she tries so damn hard, when people get down on Tara for one single act of self-preservation. When they have every right to be angry and no "approved" way of expressing it.

Yes, I want more of that fic from you, please, and not because you writing for me, too.

[kwritten]

you stop being nice and suddenly everyone is shocked and you're labelled unpleasant; because all the times you've been kind and helpful and gone out of your way is just EXPECTED, it's white noise, like you exist for that reason alone

ah yes.

so you know.

(my favorite is: "so then just DON'T do it anymore" and the "god stop playing the victim")

((I was LITERALLY told by a coworker in a meeting this week that his problem with me isn't that I told him he was doing something wrong - but that I wasn't 'encouraging' and 'helpful' and didn't help him get better. GROWN MAN. Telling me that the reason why he's angry with me is because I didn't hold his hand and solve his problems for him. AND THEN I APOLOGIZED FOR FAILING HIM. ugh seriously I am so angry about this right now.))

SHOO! GO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SWEETIE! GIVE HER A HUG FROM ME AND TELL HER THERE'S A BROWNIE PLACE IN BANGKOK THAT I REALLY WISH I COULD SEND YOU GUYS BAKED GOODS FROM BUT THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T SURVIVE INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL!

[rbfvid]

Oh, Tara, an ultimate good girl... And you wrote so perfect and painful exploration of the whole meaning of this "good girl" thing.

[kwritten]

Thank you so much! The world needs more explorations of the 'good girl' ... and I admit that I am generally more attached to the 'bad girl' characters? or at least - the ones that are 'bad' within their narrative and KNOW that they are 'bad' and how they respond to that placement.

Probably because it hits less close to home?

I saw a post on tumblr a few months back about the archangel Michael ... it was a large/long post of exposition that dealt with the 'good brother' archetype and how that position feels. And I've been thinking about that post on and off. Because I talk a lot about how much I am drawn to the 'bad brother' in classical literature. The Byrons, the Lucifers, the Cains, the black sheep. They appeal to me. But I think it's in my best interest - as a writer and also as a reader - to maybe start paying more attention to the 'good' role

[red_satin_doll]

Especially in deconstructing it. Because it's equally important to expose how the 'good girl' has darkness under her skin as it is to show how the 'bad girl' is only bad because the narrative needs her to be.

THIS.

"good" and "bad" are externally imposed constructs that shift with time and place, and are designed to control and separate us from one another.

[rbfvid]

Yeah, bad girls (and boys) are more alluring, and tend to get all attention, which (karmically) is so unfair...
But suddenly I'm starting to wonder about Faith/Tara fics (or Faith&Tara), as they both were reduced to oversimplified stereotypes.

[snogged]

This was absolutely fantastic!

I appreciated your insights and character development into what makes Tara who she is. I loved the connection she formed with Buffy and the edge of darkness that's justthisclose to where the girls are.

Color me impressed.

[kwritten]

Wow. Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! It was ... very cathartic to write.