[fic] no lies, no apologies

[kwritten]

fic: no lies, no apologies
fandom: btvs
pairing: buffy/tara
word count: 2,000
setting: an au in which Dead Things ends just slightly differently
note: inspired by a conversation had with red_satin_doll about the tropes that are used in bara fic. WARNING: this is *not* the bara that you may be used to. not too sure about the ending, but ... it is what it is

Comments

[red_satin_doll]

I just wanted to let you know Kelsey I read your comments several times yesterday and haven't replied because I'm still processing (and taking care of my sweetie after you know what, is there an irony there?) and when I read your comments on "mutual abuse" I think my heart literally stopped for a second.

I'm still taking it all in and pondering, not because it's strange to me but because that is me, all the masks, all the rationalizations, all the ways I identify with my own victimization and wrap it around myself and cling to it, wear it like a badge of honor/shame.

I have to think about all of this.

You speak truth.

ETA: And my mother. Holy shit have you got me pondering. Which is of the good, always. (you amaze me.)

[kwritten]

*deep breath*

**gets very personal**

this week there have been some huge upheavals at my job that have lead to my personal character and my (apparently obvious) struggle with depression this year being dragged out into the open and exposed, judged, and ridiculed.

In a conversation with a woman who has known me for two years - I admitted that I've noticed that when I am nervous, uncomfortable, stressed, tired, or feel threatened in any way - my voice drops several octaves and sounds like what another person might identify as "angry" and I genuinely have no idea how to prevent this from happening. I feel as though I have to preamble every conversation with, "yes my stressed voice sounds like my angry voice but I'm not angry, sorry" and that's tiresome

[red_satin_doll]

I wish I had time to answer this properly Kelsey because i LIVE EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS, EVERY DAY. I wish I had answers (and also, time right now, I feel badly that I don't because I know this, I know it, the ridiculousness of swallowing and swallowing anger to please other people and then god forbid you express anger in any way...you stop being nice and suddenly everyone is shocked and you're labelled unpleasant; because all the times you've been kind and helpful and gone out of your way is just EXPECTED, it's white noise, like you exist for that reason alone.)

Which is why I get angry when people get down on Tara or Buffy for being angry, when Buffy isn't "buffybot" when she tries so damn hard, when people get down on Tara for one single act of self-preservation. When they have every right to be angry and no "approved" way of expressing it.

Yes, I want more of that fic from you, please, and not because you writing for me, too.

[kwritten]

you stop being nice and suddenly everyone is shocked and you're labelled unpleasant; because all the times you've been kind and helpful and gone out of your way is just EXPECTED, it's white noise, like you exist for that reason alone

ah yes.

so you know.

(my favorite is: "so then just DON'T do it anymore" and the "god stop playing the victim")

((I was LITERALLY told by a coworker in a meeting this week that his problem with me isn't that I told him he was doing something wrong - but that I wasn't 'encouraging' and 'helpful' and didn't help him get better. GROWN MAN. Telling me that the reason why he's angry with me is because I didn't hold his hand and solve his problems for him. AND THEN I APOLOGIZED FOR FAILING HIM. ugh seriously I am so angry about this right now.))

SHOO! GO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SWEETIE! GIVE HER A HUG FROM ME AND TELL HER THERE'S A BROWNIE PLACE IN BANGKOK THAT I REALLY WISH I COULD SEND YOU GUYS BAKED GOODS FROM BUT THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T SURVIVE INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL!

[red_satin_doll]

so you know.

Remind me to tell you about the schoolgirl who was harrassed and tormente by her classmates every single day at school - but who always helped them with their classwork when asked because she was hopeful they'd treat her nicer / terrified they'd treat her worse if she refused.

Oh god, I do know.

I wanted to grab a shovel - hell a baseball bat - and apply it liberally to your coworker...and then you mentioned BROWNIES and that was all I could think about how did you know we love brownies?
(you know, some of these companies nowadays are very sophisticated in terms of sending their stuff overseas but that would be way too expensive. So thank you sweetheart, the next time I eat a brownie I'll imagine it came from Thailand.)

I'm refilling my user pic space because someone gave me a gift subscription and I'm restoring some of my own Bara icons,)

[kwritten]

What has been so terrifying about this Thailand experience for me is that for the most part - I wasn't ill-treated as a child/teen? I mean - men have always mistreated me (blonde hair blue eyes hourglass figure it just is the way the world works and it sucks but I accepted it and figured out how to use that to my advantage pretty early on - not early enough to not get hurt along the way, but there's no way to not be hurt by a culture that tells you to JUST be a pretty picture), but for the most part my peers weren't terribly terrible? This has been my first experience being just like... so outrageously taken advantage of and treated so poorly two years in a row. Possibly because I've never really worked alongside men younger than me before?

WHO DOESN'T LIKE BROWNIES? I don't even really care for chocolate but I love brownies!

ugh I ran out of my paid subscription and am back down to 15 icons it's so sad :(

[red_satin_doll]

I was LITERALLY told by a coworker in a meeting this week that his problem with me isn't that I told him he was doing something wrong

I think you'd be proud of me Kelsey - last night a coworker called me late at home and told me "I need you to switch shifts with me" and I said "No." I didn't apologize or explain.

omg my icon <333333

[kwritten]

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!

Re: omg my icon <333333

[red_satin_doll]

Thank you sweetheart!

[kwritten]

ETA: And my mother.

GIRL. MY MOTHER. ugh. my mother

[red_satin_doll]

ugh. my mother

amirite? the wounded girls we learned this from, who taught us very well the only thing they knew.