Crack!Fic: Why Kurt Hummel Hates Facebook
Title: Why Kurt Hummel Hates Facebook
Characters/Pairings: Kurt, Blaine, Jesse, Finn, Rachel, Wes, David, ensemble; Kurt/Blaine; Blaine/Jesse/Kurt bromance
Rating: PG-13
Words: 3500
Summary: Kurt really, really should have just de-friended Jesse while he had the chance...
Notes: This is what happens when I'm sleep-deprived and Jesse gets mentioned in an episode. So it's all your fault, random throwaway comment from tonight's episode!!! Also, listen to this awesome song. It manages to make its way into the story. (And yes, it is about two boys sexing it up.)
EDIT: HOLY SWEET EVERLOVING CHEESUS, YOU GUYS. And here I was all, "lol nobody's gonna actually like this, whatevs," when I posted it. I LOVE YOU ALL AND I WOULD TOTALLY THANK YOU ALL INDIVIDUALLY IF I HAD ENOUGH WILL POWER TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND DO IT.
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Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer are now friends.
Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer like this.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.
Blaine Fischer: I assure you, Rachel, that I have no ulterior motives.
Rachel Berry: We’ve all heard that before.
Blaine Fischer: I’m sure you have, and I understand your hesitance. But I still would like you to know from the get-go that I’m not trying to one-up your glee club.
Rachel Berry: Of course you’re not trying to one-up us. That’s rather difficult seeing how you don’t have our vocal prowess or the high end of our range.
Blaine Fischer: Am I supposed to be insulted?
Rachel Berry: Try intimidated.
Blaine Fischer: Consider me intimidated.
Rachel Berry: As you should be.
Blaine Fischer: Oh, Rachel, a girl as talented as you should at least have a smidgen of tact. That was me, being nice.
Rachel Berry: And this is me, making sure you’re not Jesse St. James.
Rachel Berry: Except gayer.
Rachel Berry: And shorter.
Rachel Berry: And not as talented.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Blaine Fischer: I feel like I should meet this Jesse St. James character…
Kurt Hummel > Rachel Berry: Could you please stop this facebook war with Blaine? He’s actually a nice person, believe it or not.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: I will admit that through our limited online interaction, he seems to be an honorable person. However, I will continue to equate him to a short, gay Jesse until I have been proven otherwise.
Jesse St. James: Can I meet my gay mini-me?
Rachel Berry: Maybe when you’re done being Mr. Big-And-Famous-And-Robotic.
Jesse St. James: I resent that.
Finn Hudson: We’re dating now, just fyi.
Finn Hudson: Me and Rachel. Not me and Blaine. Because I’m not gay.
Jesse St. James: Oh, Finn Hudson, your paranoia of misinterpretation can be seen from Mars. You poor, uneducated child.
Finn Hudson: I’m not uneducated! I totally go to school.
Rachel Berry: Jesse, stop. I’ll de-friend you if you can’t play nice.
Jesse St. James: Oh no, my friend count will drop by one whole person! How will I go on?
Finn Hudson: Why are you two still facebook friends, anyway?
Jesse St. James: So we can continue an online love affair behind your back.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Rachel Berry: NO.
Finn Hudson: :(
Rachel Berry: He’s lying, Finn. Don’t worry.
Kurt Hummel: Would you all mind taking this back-and-forth TO YOUR OWN FACEBOOK WALLS, PLEASE?
Blaine Fischer and Mercedes Jones are now friends.
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Blaine Fischer likes reading Kurt Hummel’s wall posts.
Wes Leon and Mercedes Jones like this.
Kurt Hummel: You would.
Blaine Fischer: ;)
Mercedes Jones: You better be nice to my boy, Blaine. You can’t just go around cyber-winking at people and not mean it.
Blaine Fischer: Your blessing, Miss Jones?
Mercedes Jones: Granted.
Mercedes Jones: Hurt him and I will cut you.
Wes Leon: Cut Blaine and I’ll kung fu your brains out.
David Carlton: Wes, you can’t hit a girl!
Wes Leon: Been there, done that.
David Carlton: Mimi doesn’t count.
Wes Leon: Shut up.
Kurt Hummel is now friends with Wes Leon and David Carlton.
Blaine Fischer likes this.
Blaine Fischer recorded a video on Kurt Hummel’s wall.
Mercedes Jones, Jesse St. James, and six others like this.
Kurt Hummel: Excuse me while I go puke from how adorable you are.
Kurt Hummel: Am I allowed to call you adorable if you’re older than me?
Blaine Fischer: Totally.
Kurt Hummel: Awesome.
Kurt Hummel > Jesse St. James: Facebook creeping much?
Jesse St. James: I must concede that this suitor of yours seems charming and, while his voice is nowhere near as exquisite as my own, he has potential.
Kurt Hummel: If that’s supposed to make me feel better about you creeping on my wall, then you failed. I don’t feel better.
Jesse St. James: So I’m not allowed to keep tabs on my fellow theatre enthusiasts?
Kurt Hummel: Remind me again why I’m still facebook friends with you.
Jesse St. James: My hair.
Rachel Berry likes this.
Finn Hudson: Rachel!
Rachel Berry: His hair can be very persuasive at times, Finn.
Finn Hudson: :(
Kurt Hummel: Oh great, another lover’s quarrel coming up on my notifications. Whoop-de-do.
Santana Lopez > Kurt Hummel: Have you hit it yet?
Brittany Pierce likes this.
Brittany Pierce: I can come over and give you kissing lessons if you want.
Kurt Hummel: No thanks, Brit.
Brittany Pierce: Why not? I’m really good at it.
Kurt Hummel would appreciate it if his friends would stay out of his love life.
Blaine Fischer: Does that mean I can’t ask you to dinner later?
Mercedes Jones and six others like this.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks for telling facebook.
Blaine Fischer: But we’re facebook friends. And you asked your friends to stay out of your love life. So you can understand my confusion. Am I, as a facebook friend, to concede to this request? Or, realizing that in real life we have more of an undefined amicable relationship, am I to ignore this and make an attempt to become involved in your love life?
Blaine Fischer: Or should I start deleting my posts because it’s been a full two hours and you haven’t responded?
Kurt Hummel: Check your phone. ;)
Mercedes Jones > Kurt Hummel: Deets, boy! And answer your phone!
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: I sincerely hope we have learned something since last year.
Kurt Hummel: Not to wear animal sweaters and trust boys named Jesse?
Jesse St. James: I resent that.
Kurt Hummel: I swear you’re like an insect to a lightbulb. You mention Jesse’s name and here he comes, regardless of what context his name is being used in.
Finn Hudson likes this.
Blaine Fischer thinks he might be in love.
Wes Leon, David Carlton, and sixteen others like this.
Wes Leon: Well, anyone within a sixty-mile radius could have told you that. Have you seen the dopey look on your face yet?
David Carlton likes this.
Blaine Fischer: Shut up.
David Carlton: So. Much. Agreement.
David Carlton: To Wes’s post.
Blaine Fischer: I hate you both.
Kurt Hummel is now in a relationship with Blaine Fischer.
Mercedes Jones, Wes Leon, and thirty-three others like this.
Kurt Hummel: I FORBID YOU ALL TO USE THIS POST TO SAY HOW HAPPY YOU ARE FOR THE PAIR OF US.
Blaine Fischer: I ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO USE THIS POST TO SAY HOW HAPPY YOU ARE FOR THE PAIR OF US.
Kurt Hummel: Sometimes I wonder why I said yes…
Kurt Hummel has realized that it is pointless to try to keep his personal business off facebook, since his boyfriend is a total attention whore.
Blaine Fischer: But you love me anyway, right?
Blaine Fischer: Right?
Blaine Fischer: Three hours later and I’m still waiting for an answer.
Blaine Fischer: So I’m spamming your notifications.
Blaine Fischer: Unless you’ll break up with me for being annoying on facebook.
Blaine Fischer: But really, you love me anyway, right?
Kurt Hummel: I do hope that this has been a lesson for you all in just how much of an attention whore Blaine Fischer is.
Blaine Fischer likes this.
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Can I beat up Blaine when he breaks up with you?
Kurt Hummel > Finn Hudson: 1. No. 2. It’s “if” he breaks up with me, not “when.” 3. No. 4. Why would you ask that over facebook in the first place?
Blaine Fischer is scared of Finn Hudson.
Finn Hudson likes this.
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Isn’t that what big brothers are supposed to do?
Kurt Hummel > Finn Hudson: I’m three months older than you.
Blaine Fischer and Finn Hudson are now friends.
Kurt Hummel: I feel obligated to comment.
Blaine Fischer: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Kurt Hummel: I didn’t say anything. I just typed it.
Blaine Fischer: But I know you too well. Admit it.
Kurt Hummel: I admit nothing.
Finn Hudson: But it’s okay that we’re friends, right?
Blaine Fischer: Totally.
Kurt Hummel: While this will no doubt complicate my life even further, I feel inclined to put your worrying to rest and assure you, Finn, that you are allowed to become facebook friends with anyone who strikes your fancy.
Blaine Fischer and Finn Hudson like this.
Blaine Fischer and Jesse St. James are now friends.
Kurt Hummel: WHAT.
Rachel Berry: I KNEW IT.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: If you need consoling about your boyfriend’s treachery, my dads are really good at being sympathetic.
Finn Hudson > Blaine Fischer: I promised Kurt I wouldn’t beat you up, but I think this is a special occasion.
Blaine Fischer: Excuse me?
Wes Leon: I’ll kung fu your ass, Hudson. Watch it.
Finn Hudson: For hurting Kurt. I’ll beat you up.
Blaine Fischer: What did I do?
Kurt Hummel would like Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson to stop assuming things about his boyfriend and would also like to point out that they are both facebook friends with Jesse St. James as well.
Blaine Fischer and Jesse St. James like this.
Blaine Fischer > Kurt Hummel: So I don’t get why you guys all hate Jesse. He’s kind of awesome.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: What sort of warped story did he tell you to explain last year’s regionals?
Blaine Fischer: The truth?
Jesse St. James: I’m a man of my word. I only speak the truth.
Kurt Hummel: Great, so Jesse’s a sitar now.
Mercedes Jones likes this.
Jesse St. James: Why am I a musical instrument?
Blaine Fischer: OH I GET IT.
Kurt Hummel: :D
Jesse St. James: I don’t. :(
Kurt Hummel: You will have to concede defeat.
Jesse St. James: Defeat in what? Not understanding a nickname?
Kurt Hummel: Try “accidentally quoting movie musicals and then not fessing up to having a mancrush on Ewan McGregor.”
Jesse St. James: Am I supposed to have a mancrush on him or something?
Jesse St. James: OH WAIT. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Although I’m inclined to say that Blaine is the sitar, seeing how he’s me in mini.
Blaine Fischer: Can’t I just be a hobbit instead?
Jesse St. James > Blaine Fischer: As Long As You’re Mine
Blaine Fischer: Bare
Jesse St. James: Carpe Noctem
Blaine Fischer: Don’t Be a Stranger
Jesse St. James: Early In the Morning
Blaine Fischer: Fantasies Come True
Jesse St. James: Gimme Gimme
Blaine Fischer: Heaven Help My Heart
Jesse St. James: It’s Gonna Be Good
Kurt Hummel: Jesse St. James is going to get murdered if he keeps cyber-flirting with my boyfriend.
Blaine Fischer: Just the Way You Are
Jesse St. James: Kama Sutra
Blaine Fischer: Let Love Grow
Jesse St. James: Maybe This Time (we should actually listen to Kurt)
Blaine Fischer: No More (from you, Jesse. Want to take over, Kurt?)
Kurt Hummel: One Normal Night (is that too much to ask?)
Blaine Fischer: Pacing in a Room (please tell me you’re not)
Kurt Hummel: A Quiet Night at Home (no, really)
Blaine Fischer: Rocket Ride (you know I’m allowed to break the showtunes-only rule for this song)
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: Shall We Dance?
Blaine Fischer: Take a Chance On Me
Kurt Hummel: Upstairs
Blaine Fischer: A Visit
Kurt Hummel: Waiting
Blaine Fischer: X-mas Bells (shut up, X is hard)
Kurt Hummel: You and I
Blaine Fischer: Zanna Don’t?
Kurt Hummel: I love you.
Blaine Fischer: I love you too.
Jesse St. James: I love you two, too!
Blaine Fischer and Kurt Hummel like this.
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Are you dating Blaine or Jesse? I’m confused.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: BLAINE. Jesse’s just an attention whore. So he and Blaine get along, naturally.
Blaine Fischer: Am not.
Jesse St. James: Am not.
Blaine Fischer: Jinx.
Jesse St. James: You’re so my gay mini-me. I’m adopting you and taking you to California with me.
Kurt Hummel: That’s so fucking creepy, Jesse.
Jesse St. James: You can come too.
Blaine Fischer: Epic road trip would be epic!
Kurt Hummel: You two do realize that you’ve never actually met in real life, right?
Rachel Berry: I STILL KNEW IT.
Jesse St. James is in a complicated relationship.
Jesse St. James and fifty-four others like this.
Blaine Fischer: Boo at facebook for not allowing three-ways.
Kurt Hummel: Please tell me you’re not serious.
Jesse St. James: Dead.
Kurt Hummel: I swear you two are just trying to make me go all mad axe man on one of you…
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: Did you break up with Blaine yet?
Kurt Hummel: NO, Rachel. Why would I do that?
Rachel Berry: Because he’s cheating on you.
Kurt Hummel: No he’s not.
Rachel Berry: I STILL KNOW BEST.
Kurt Hummel is now single.
Rachel Berry: omg Kurt I was kidding.
Mercedes Jones: Do I need to cut a bitch?
Finn Hudson: Permission to beat Blaine’s face in?
Brittany Pierce: Do I get to teach you how to kiss now?
Blaine Fischer is now in a complicated relationship with Jesse St. James.
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Rachel Berry: D:
Wes Leon: Does this mean David and I can get facebook married now?
David Carlton: Are you asking?
Wes Leon: If Blaine’s allowed to have a fake relationship status with a guy he’s never met, we’re totally allowed.
David Carlton: I expect flowers.
David Carlton: And a serenade.
Wes Leon: You’re so high maintenance. I’ll just go ask Kurt instead.
Kurt Hummel and Wes Leon are now married.
Blaine Fischer, David Carlton, and seven others like this.
Finn Hudson: I’m so confused.
Blaine Fischer is now single.
Wes Leon is now single.
Jesse St. James is now single.
Kurt Hummel is now in a relationship with Blaine Fischer.
Jesse St. James has added Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer as his sons.
Mercedes Jones > Kurt Hummel: I swear you all are doing this just to mess with the rest of us.
Jesse St. James is visiting Lima this weekend. Blaine Fischer and Kurt Hummel, I’m looking at you two.
Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer like this.
Blaine Fischer: I get to meet my facebook father!
Rachel Berry: STOP BEING CHUMMY WITH THE ENEMY.
Rachel Berry: TWICE.
Kurt Hummel: You gonna kick me out of glee club?
Rachel Berry: Maybe.
Finn Hudson: Want me to come as backup?
Kurt Hummel: I’m fine, you two. I can’t believe you’re both still on about that.
Rachel Berry: You can’t be too careful. Especially with Jesse’s hair.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Finn Hudson: What is it with you all and Jesse’s hair?
Blaine Fischer is going to marry Jesse St. James’s hair.
Jesse St. James and Kurt Hummel like this.
Kurt Hummel has been awarded the world’s most prestigious honor: permission to touch the chocolate tresses of one Jesse St. James. *swoon*
Jesse St. James and Blaine Fischer like this.
Wes Leon would like to know why his boys are suddenly equating Jesse St. James with Edward Cullen.
Kurt Hummel: How dare you compare the complete GOD that is Jesse St. James with that sorry excuse for a vampire?
Blaine Fischer: Oh, Wes, and here I thought you had taste.
Kurt Hummel: You haven’t actually read Twilight, have you? Because I may have to come over there and smack you with my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
Blaine Fischer: I’m pretty sure no one at Dalton has ever fallen that low.
Kurt Hummel: Good. But still, HOW DARE YOU, WES.
David Carlton: Chill, dudes. It’s just a pop culture reference. GOSH.
David Carlton: Oops I forgot to log David out. It’s Wes.
David Carlton: I’m never borrowing your computer again, Wes.
Wes Leon: Chill. It’s not like I spammed everyone or made you status “poop” or something.
David Carlton: And I consider myself very lucky for that. Remember what you did to Blaine last year?
Wes Leon: OH YEAH. That was good.
Kurt Hummel: What’d you do???
Wes Leon: I made his status proclaim his undying love for Daniel Radcliffe and how after seeing Equus he was so horny that he bought a hot dog and sucked it off.
Kurt Hummel: I honestly have no idea what to say in response to that.
Kurt Hummel: Did he really see Equus?
Blaine Fischer: No, I didn’t see Equus. But I wanted to. Go figure I was too young when it was still playing.
Blaine Fischer: And not because of Daniel Radcliffe, either. It looked like a tasteful piece of theatre. With nudity.
Kurt Hummel: Uh huh, sure…
Blaine Fischer: No, really! I read the play and it sounded interesting!
Kurt Hummel: And it had a naked Daniel Radcliffe in it.
Blaine Fischer: I promise that wasn’t a deciding factor. The fact that one of my favorite actors just so happened to strip down was just a coincidence.
Kurt Hummel: You do realize that you’re digging yourself deeper into a crater-sized hole, right?
Blaine Fischer: I’m going to stop typing now.
Jesse St. James enjoyed seeing some old friends and meeting some new ones. Blaine Fischer, you better come visit me in California!
Blaine Fischer likes this.
Kurt Hummel: I swear you’re secretly gay, Jesse.
Jesse St. James: I’m straight, but shit happens.
Blaine Fischer: You basically summed up the philosophy of every straight guy at Dalton.
Wes Leon and David Carlton like this.
Kurt Hummel: Just as long as I don’t have to worry about you stealing him. ;)
Jesse St. James: I make no promises.
Blaine Fischer: I’m too smitten with my boyfriend to even think about anyone else.
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Jesse St. James: If I start cyber-flirting does that make this facebook incest?
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Can you please explain what’s going on with you and Blaine and Jesse? I’m still confused.
Jesse St. James: Basically, Kurt and Blaine are completely enamored with each other and have a really bad habit of ignoring the world when they’re together. So I came to visit and both were distracted by the all-powerful Hair. Both of them are now my sex slaves. I like it when Kurt hits the high F for me.
Finn Hudson: I’m going to murder you for stealing Kurt’s virtue, as Rachel’s putting it.
Kurt Hummel: FINN. He’s KIDDING. Jesse, stop taunting my brother.
Jesse St. James > Kurt Hummel: You have no idea how tempted I am to quote “Rocket Ride” at you right now. I am restraining myself with difficulty.
Blaine Fischer: COME ON AND TAKE MY ROCKET RIDE.
Jesse St. James: FEEL YOU SHIVER WHEN I QUIVER INSIDE.
Blaine Fischer: EVERYTHING HOT HAPPENS IN THE DARK, BABY.
Jesse St. James: DON’T THINK TOO MUCH JUST LET ME TOUCH YOU THERE.
Blaine Fischer: DON’T THINK TOO MUCH JUST GET IT UP IN THE AIR.
Kurt Hummel: I hate you both so much.
Kurt Hummel would like the world to know that he has never and will never ride Jesse St. James’s “rocket ship.”
Blaine Fischer: How about mine?
Kurt Hummel: Shut your mouth.
Blaine Fischer: ;)
Jesse St. James: Gavin should totally re-record that so that people actually know he’s singing about gay sex.
Blaine Fischer: But he says “whatshe” and makes a very subtle “sh” noise, so it really could be taken either way. And the rest of the song is pointedly devoid of pronouns.
Jesse St. James: Exactly my point. He should re-do it and actually say “What’s he” instead of slurring the words together.
Blaine Fischer: Oh, right, gotcha. But you have to admit, for someone who was still in the closet when he released the album, he did a damn good job of making the songs ambiguous enough to swing both ways.
Jesse St. James: That whole album is basically complete genius. Nobody else could get away with singing about gay sex and attempted rape.
Blaine Fischer: And friendship and family and looooove.
Jesse St. James: But still, gay sex and attempted rape.
Kurt Hummel: PLEASE STOP NOW.
Kurt Hummel would like Blaine Fischer and Jesse St. James to know that thanks to them, he had an extremely uncomfortable conversation with his dad about condoms and how to say no.
Blaine Fischer: At least you got it over with now!
Jesse St. James: Happy to be of service.
Kurt Hummel: Why does that make you two happy?
Kurt Hummel > Finn Hudson: You’re not allowed to teach my dad how to use facebook while logged in anymore.
Finn Hudson: Sorry, bro.
Kurt Hummel: Call me ‘bro’ again and I’ll help your mom make a facebook.
Finn Hudson: Never again.
Kurt Hummel: I’m glad we had this talk.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: If you ever do need to have the talk, I’m sure my dads would be more than willing to help out.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: Rachel, please MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
Rachel Berry: But I know best!
Blaine Fischer: Wanky.
Santana Lopez: Stole the words right out of my mouth, prep-boy.
Blaine Fischer has just realized that he really should learn to think before he types.
Kurt Hummel: No kidding. I think the entirety of facebook is convinced that we both live in Jesse’s harem and do nothing but re-enact sex scenes from musicals on our "time off." Nice going.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Characters/Pairings: Kurt, Blaine, Jesse, Finn, Rachel, Wes, David, ensemble; Kurt/Blaine; Blaine/Jesse/Kurt bromance
Rating: PG-13
Words: 3500
Summary: Kurt really, really should have just de-friended Jesse while he had the chance...
Notes: This is what happens when I'm sleep-deprived and Jesse gets mentioned in an episode. So it's all your fault, random throwaway comment from tonight's episode!!! Also, listen to this awesome song. It manages to make its way into the story. (And yes, it is about two boys sexing it up.)
EDIT: HOLY SWEET EVERLOVING CHEESUS, YOU GUYS. And here I was all, "lol nobody's gonna actually like this, whatevs," when I posted it. I LOVE YOU ALL AND I WOULD TOTALLY THANK YOU ALL INDIVIDUALLY IF I HAD ENOUGH WILL POWER TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND DO IT.
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Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer are now friends.
Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer like this.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.
Blaine Fischer: I assure you, Rachel, that I have no ulterior motives.
Rachel Berry: We’ve all heard that before.
Blaine Fischer: I’m sure you have, and I understand your hesitance. But I still would like you to know from the get-go that I’m not trying to one-up your glee club.
Rachel Berry: Of course you’re not trying to one-up us. That’s rather difficult seeing how you don’t have our vocal prowess or the high end of our range.
Blaine Fischer: Am I supposed to be insulted?
Rachel Berry: Try intimidated.
Blaine Fischer: Consider me intimidated.
Rachel Berry: As you should be.
Blaine Fischer: Oh, Rachel, a girl as talented as you should at least have a smidgen of tact. That was me, being nice.
Rachel Berry: And this is me, making sure you’re not Jesse St. James.
Rachel Berry: Except gayer.
Rachel Berry: And shorter.
Rachel Berry: And not as talented.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Blaine Fischer: I feel like I should meet this Jesse St. James character…
Kurt Hummel > Rachel Berry: Could you please stop this facebook war with Blaine? He’s actually a nice person, believe it or not.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: I will admit that through our limited online interaction, he seems to be an honorable person. However, I will continue to equate him to a short, gay Jesse until I have been proven otherwise.
Jesse St. James: Can I meet my gay mini-me?
Rachel Berry: Maybe when you’re done being Mr. Big-And-Famous-And-Robotic.
Jesse St. James: I resent that.
Finn Hudson: We’re dating now, just fyi.
Finn Hudson: Me and Rachel. Not me and Blaine. Because I’m not gay.
Jesse St. James: Oh, Finn Hudson, your paranoia of misinterpretation can be seen from Mars. You poor, uneducated child.
Finn Hudson: I’m not uneducated! I totally go to school.
Rachel Berry: Jesse, stop. I’ll de-friend you if you can’t play nice.
Jesse St. James: Oh no, my friend count will drop by one whole person! How will I go on?
Finn Hudson: Why are you two still facebook friends, anyway?
Jesse St. James: So we can continue an online love affair behind your back.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Rachel Berry: NO.
Finn Hudson: :(
Rachel Berry: He’s lying, Finn. Don’t worry.
Kurt Hummel: Would you all mind taking this back-and-forth TO YOUR OWN FACEBOOK WALLS, PLEASE?
Blaine Fischer and Mercedes Jones are now friends.
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Blaine Fischer likes reading Kurt Hummel’s wall posts.
Wes Leon and Mercedes Jones like this.
Kurt Hummel: You would.
Blaine Fischer: ;)
Mercedes Jones: You better be nice to my boy, Blaine. You can’t just go around cyber-winking at people and not mean it.
Blaine Fischer: Your blessing, Miss Jones?
Mercedes Jones: Granted.
Mercedes Jones: Hurt him and I will cut you.
Wes Leon: Cut Blaine and I’ll kung fu your brains out.
David Carlton: Wes, you can’t hit a girl!
Wes Leon: Been there, done that.
David Carlton: Mimi doesn’t count.
Wes Leon: Shut up.
Kurt Hummel is now friends with Wes Leon and David Carlton.
Blaine Fischer likes this.
Blaine Fischer recorded a video on Kurt Hummel’s wall.
Mercedes Jones, Jesse St. James, and six others like this.
Kurt Hummel: Excuse me while I go puke from how adorable you are.
Kurt Hummel: Am I allowed to call you adorable if you’re older than me?
Blaine Fischer: Totally.
Kurt Hummel: Awesome.
Kurt Hummel > Jesse St. James: Facebook creeping much?
Jesse St. James: I must concede that this suitor of yours seems charming and, while his voice is nowhere near as exquisite as my own, he has potential.
Kurt Hummel: If that’s supposed to make me feel better about you creeping on my wall, then you failed. I don’t feel better.
Jesse St. James: So I’m not allowed to keep tabs on my fellow theatre enthusiasts?
Kurt Hummel: Remind me again why I’m still facebook friends with you.
Jesse St. James: My hair.
Rachel Berry likes this.
Finn Hudson: Rachel!
Rachel Berry: His hair can be very persuasive at times, Finn.
Finn Hudson: :(
Kurt Hummel: Oh great, another lover’s quarrel coming up on my notifications. Whoop-de-do.
Santana Lopez > Kurt Hummel: Have you hit it yet?
Brittany Pierce likes this.
Brittany Pierce: I can come over and give you kissing lessons if you want.
Kurt Hummel: No thanks, Brit.
Brittany Pierce: Why not? I’m really good at it.
Kurt Hummel would appreciate it if his friends would stay out of his love life.
Blaine Fischer: Does that mean I can’t ask you to dinner later?
Mercedes Jones and six others like this.
Kurt Hummel: Thanks for telling facebook.
Blaine Fischer: But we’re facebook friends. And you asked your friends to stay out of your love life. So you can understand my confusion. Am I, as a facebook friend, to concede to this request? Or, realizing that in real life we have more of an undefined amicable relationship, am I to ignore this and make an attempt to become involved in your love life?
Blaine Fischer: Or should I start deleting my posts because it’s been a full two hours and you haven’t responded?
Kurt Hummel: Check your phone. ;)
Mercedes Jones > Kurt Hummel: Deets, boy! And answer your phone!
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: I sincerely hope we have learned something since last year.
Kurt Hummel: Not to wear animal sweaters and trust boys named Jesse?
Jesse St. James: I resent that.
Kurt Hummel: I swear you’re like an insect to a lightbulb. You mention Jesse’s name and here he comes, regardless of what context his name is being used in.
Finn Hudson likes this.
Blaine Fischer thinks he might be in love.
Wes Leon, David Carlton, and sixteen others like this.
Wes Leon: Well, anyone within a sixty-mile radius could have told you that. Have you seen the dopey look on your face yet?
David Carlton likes this.
Blaine Fischer: Shut up.
David Carlton: So. Much. Agreement.
David Carlton: To Wes’s post.
Blaine Fischer: I hate you both.
Kurt Hummel is now in a relationship with Blaine Fischer.
Mercedes Jones, Wes Leon, and thirty-three others like this.
Kurt Hummel: I FORBID YOU ALL TO USE THIS POST TO SAY HOW HAPPY YOU ARE FOR THE PAIR OF US.
Blaine Fischer: I ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO USE THIS POST TO SAY HOW HAPPY YOU ARE FOR THE PAIR OF US.
Kurt Hummel: Sometimes I wonder why I said yes…
Kurt Hummel has realized that it is pointless to try to keep his personal business off facebook, since his boyfriend is a total attention whore.
Blaine Fischer: But you love me anyway, right?
Blaine Fischer: Right?
Blaine Fischer: Three hours later and I’m still waiting for an answer.
Blaine Fischer: So I’m spamming your notifications.
Blaine Fischer: Unless you’ll break up with me for being annoying on facebook.
Blaine Fischer: But really, you love me anyway, right?
Kurt Hummel: I do hope that this has been a lesson for you all in just how much of an attention whore Blaine Fischer is.
Blaine Fischer likes this.
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Can I beat up Blaine when he breaks up with you?
Kurt Hummel > Finn Hudson: 1. No. 2. It’s “if” he breaks up with me, not “when.” 3. No. 4. Why would you ask that over facebook in the first place?
Blaine Fischer is scared of Finn Hudson.
Finn Hudson likes this.
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Isn’t that what big brothers are supposed to do?
Kurt Hummel > Finn Hudson: I’m three months older than you.
Blaine Fischer and Finn Hudson are now friends.
Kurt Hummel: I feel obligated to comment.
Blaine Fischer: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Kurt Hummel: I didn’t say anything. I just typed it.
Blaine Fischer: But I know you too well. Admit it.
Kurt Hummel: I admit nothing.
Finn Hudson: But it’s okay that we’re friends, right?
Blaine Fischer: Totally.
Kurt Hummel: While this will no doubt complicate my life even further, I feel inclined to put your worrying to rest and assure you, Finn, that you are allowed to become facebook friends with anyone who strikes your fancy.
Blaine Fischer and Finn Hudson like this.
Blaine Fischer and Jesse St. James are now friends.
Kurt Hummel: WHAT.
Rachel Berry: I KNEW IT.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: If you need consoling about your boyfriend’s treachery, my dads are really good at being sympathetic.
Finn Hudson > Blaine Fischer: I promised Kurt I wouldn’t beat you up, but I think this is a special occasion.
Blaine Fischer: Excuse me?
Wes Leon: I’ll kung fu your ass, Hudson. Watch it.
Finn Hudson: For hurting Kurt. I’ll beat you up.
Blaine Fischer: What did I do?
Kurt Hummel would like Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson to stop assuming things about his boyfriend and would also like to point out that they are both facebook friends with Jesse St. James as well.
Blaine Fischer and Jesse St. James like this.
Blaine Fischer > Kurt Hummel: So I don’t get why you guys all hate Jesse. He’s kind of awesome.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: What sort of warped story did he tell you to explain last year’s regionals?
Blaine Fischer: The truth?
Jesse St. James: I’m a man of my word. I only speak the truth.
Kurt Hummel: Great, so Jesse’s a sitar now.
Mercedes Jones likes this.
Jesse St. James: Why am I a musical instrument?
Blaine Fischer: OH I GET IT.
Kurt Hummel: :D
Jesse St. James: I don’t. :(
Kurt Hummel: You will have to concede defeat.
Jesse St. James: Defeat in what? Not understanding a nickname?
Kurt Hummel: Try “accidentally quoting movie musicals and then not fessing up to having a mancrush on Ewan McGregor.”
Jesse St. James: Am I supposed to have a mancrush on him or something?
Jesse St. James: OH WAIT. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Although I’m inclined to say that Blaine is the sitar, seeing how he’s me in mini.
Blaine Fischer: Can’t I just be a hobbit instead?
Jesse St. James > Blaine Fischer: As Long As You’re Mine
Blaine Fischer: Bare
Jesse St. James: Carpe Noctem
Blaine Fischer: Don’t Be a Stranger
Jesse St. James: Early In the Morning
Blaine Fischer: Fantasies Come True
Jesse St. James: Gimme Gimme
Blaine Fischer: Heaven Help My Heart
Jesse St. James: It’s Gonna Be Good
Kurt Hummel: Jesse St. James is going to get murdered if he keeps cyber-flirting with my boyfriend.
Blaine Fischer: Just the Way You Are
Jesse St. James: Kama Sutra
Blaine Fischer: Let Love Grow
Jesse St. James: Maybe This Time (we should actually listen to Kurt)
Blaine Fischer: No More (from you, Jesse. Want to take over, Kurt?)
Kurt Hummel: One Normal Night (is that too much to ask?)
Blaine Fischer: Pacing in a Room (please tell me you’re not)
Kurt Hummel: A Quiet Night at Home (no, really)
Blaine Fischer: Rocket Ride (you know I’m allowed to break the showtunes-only rule for this song)
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: Shall We Dance?
Blaine Fischer: Take a Chance On Me
Kurt Hummel: Upstairs
Blaine Fischer: A Visit
Kurt Hummel: Waiting
Blaine Fischer: X-mas Bells (shut up, X is hard)
Kurt Hummel: You and I
Blaine Fischer: Zanna Don’t?
Kurt Hummel: I love you.
Blaine Fischer: I love you too.
Jesse St. James: I love you two, too!
Blaine Fischer and Kurt Hummel like this.
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Are you dating Blaine or Jesse? I’m confused.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: BLAINE. Jesse’s just an attention whore. So he and Blaine get along, naturally.
Blaine Fischer: Am not.
Jesse St. James: Am not.
Blaine Fischer: Jinx.
Jesse St. James: You’re so my gay mini-me. I’m adopting you and taking you to California with me.
Kurt Hummel: That’s so fucking creepy, Jesse.
Jesse St. James: You can come too.
Blaine Fischer: Epic road trip would be epic!
Kurt Hummel: You two do realize that you’ve never actually met in real life, right?
Rachel Berry: I STILL KNEW IT.
Jesse St. James is in a complicated relationship.
Jesse St. James and fifty-four others like this.
Blaine Fischer: Boo at facebook for not allowing three-ways.
Kurt Hummel: Please tell me you’re not serious.
Jesse St. James: Dead.
Kurt Hummel: I swear you two are just trying to make me go all mad axe man on one of you…
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: Did you break up with Blaine yet?
Kurt Hummel: NO, Rachel. Why would I do that?
Rachel Berry: Because he’s cheating on you.
Kurt Hummel: No he’s not.
Rachel Berry: I STILL KNOW BEST.
Kurt Hummel is now single.
Rachel Berry: omg Kurt I was kidding.
Mercedes Jones: Do I need to cut a bitch?
Finn Hudson: Permission to beat Blaine’s face in?
Brittany Pierce: Do I get to teach you how to kiss now?
Blaine Fischer is now in a complicated relationship with Jesse St. James.
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Rachel Berry: D:
Wes Leon: Does this mean David and I can get facebook married now?
David Carlton: Are you asking?
Wes Leon: If Blaine’s allowed to have a fake relationship status with a guy he’s never met, we’re totally allowed.
David Carlton: I expect flowers.
David Carlton: And a serenade.
Wes Leon: You’re so high maintenance. I’ll just go ask Kurt instead.
Kurt Hummel and Wes Leon are now married.
Blaine Fischer, David Carlton, and seven others like this.
Finn Hudson: I’m so confused.
Blaine Fischer is now single.
Wes Leon is now single.
Jesse St. James is now single.
Kurt Hummel is now in a relationship with Blaine Fischer.
Jesse St. James has added Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer as his sons.
Mercedes Jones > Kurt Hummel: I swear you all are doing this just to mess with the rest of us.
Jesse St. James is visiting Lima this weekend. Blaine Fischer and Kurt Hummel, I’m looking at you two.
Kurt Hummel and Blaine Fischer like this.
Blaine Fischer: I get to meet my facebook father!
Rachel Berry: STOP BEING CHUMMY WITH THE ENEMY.
Rachel Berry: TWICE.
Kurt Hummel: You gonna kick me out of glee club?
Rachel Berry: Maybe.
Finn Hudson: Want me to come as backup?
Kurt Hummel: I’m fine, you two. I can’t believe you’re both still on about that.
Rachel Berry: You can’t be too careful. Especially with Jesse’s hair.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Finn Hudson: What is it with you all and Jesse’s hair?
Blaine Fischer is going to marry Jesse St. James’s hair.
Jesse St. James and Kurt Hummel like this.
Kurt Hummel has been awarded the world’s most prestigious honor: permission to touch the chocolate tresses of one Jesse St. James. *swoon*
Jesse St. James and Blaine Fischer like this.
Wes Leon would like to know why his boys are suddenly equating Jesse St. James with Edward Cullen.
Kurt Hummel: How dare you compare the complete GOD that is Jesse St. James with that sorry excuse for a vampire?
Blaine Fischer: Oh, Wes, and here I thought you had taste.
Kurt Hummel: You haven’t actually read Twilight, have you? Because I may have to come over there and smack you with my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
Blaine Fischer: I’m pretty sure no one at Dalton has ever fallen that low.
Kurt Hummel: Good. But still, HOW DARE YOU, WES.
David Carlton: Chill, dudes. It’s just a pop culture reference. GOSH.
David Carlton: Oops I forgot to log David out. It’s Wes.
David Carlton: I’m never borrowing your computer again, Wes.
Wes Leon: Chill. It’s not like I spammed everyone or made you status “poop” or something.
David Carlton: And I consider myself very lucky for that. Remember what you did to Blaine last year?
Wes Leon: OH YEAH. That was good.
Kurt Hummel: What’d you do???
Wes Leon: I made his status proclaim his undying love for Daniel Radcliffe and how after seeing Equus he was so horny that he bought a hot dog and sucked it off.
Kurt Hummel: I honestly have no idea what to say in response to that.
Kurt Hummel: Did he really see Equus?
Blaine Fischer: No, I didn’t see Equus. But I wanted to. Go figure I was too young when it was still playing.
Blaine Fischer: And not because of Daniel Radcliffe, either. It looked like a tasteful piece of theatre. With nudity.
Kurt Hummel: Uh huh, sure…
Blaine Fischer: No, really! I read the play and it sounded interesting!
Kurt Hummel: And it had a naked Daniel Radcliffe in it.
Blaine Fischer: I promise that wasn’t a deciding factor. The fact that one of my favorite actors just so happened to strip down was just a coincidence.
Kurt Hummel: You do realize that you’re digging yourself deeper into a crater-sized hole, right?
Blaine Fischer: I’m going to stop typing now.
Jesse St. James enjoyed seeing some old friends and meeting some new ones. Blaine Fischer, you better come visit me in California!
Blaine Fischer likes this.
Kurt Hummel: I swear you’re secretly gay, Jesse.
Jesse St. James: I’m straight, but shit happens.
Blaine Fischer: You basically summed up the philosophy of every straight guy at Dalton.
Wes Leon and David Carlton like this.
Kurt Hummel: Just as long as I don’t have to worry about you stealing him. ;)
Jesse St. James: I make no promises.
Blaine Fischer: I’m too smitten with my boyfriend to even think about anyone else.
Kurt Hummel likes this.
Jesse St. James: If I start cyber-flirting does that make this facebook incest?
Finn Hudson > Kurt Hummel: Can you please explain what’s going on with you and Blaine and Jesse? I’m still confused.
Jesse St. James: Basically, Kurt and Blaine are completely enamored with each other and have a really bad habit of ignoring the world when they’re together. So I came to visit and both were distracted by the all-powerful Hair. Both of them are now my sex slaves. I like it when Kurt hits the high F for me.
Finn Hudson: I’m going to murder you for stealing Kurt’s virtue, as Rachel’s putting it.
Kurt Hummel: FINN. He’s KIDDING. Jesse, stop taunting my brother.
Jesse St. James > Kurt Hummel: You have no idea how tempted I am to quote “Rocket Ride” at you right now. I am restraining myself with difficulty.
Blaine Fischer: COME ON AND TAKE MY ROCKET RIDE.
Jesse St. James: FEEL YOU SHIVER WHEN I QUIVER INSIDE.
Blaine Fischer: EVERYTHING HOT HAPPENS IN THE DARK, BABY.
Jesse St. James: DON’T THINK TOO MUCH JUST LET ME TOUCH YOU THERE.
Blaine Fischer: DON’T THINK TOO MUCH JUST GET IT UP IN THE AIR.
Kurt Hummel: I hate you both so much.
Kurt Hummel would like the world to know that he has never and will never ride Jesse St. James’s “rocket ship.”
Blaine Fischer: How about mine?
Kurt Hummel: Shut your mouth.
Blaine Fischer: ;)
Jesse St. James: Gavin should totally re-record that so that people actually know he’s singing about gay sex.
Blaine Fischer: But he says “whatshe” and makes a very subtle “sh” noise, so it really could be taken either way. And the rest of the song is pointedly devoid of pronouns.
Jesse St. James: Exactly my point. He should re-do it and actually say “What’s he” instead of slurring the words together.
Blaine Fischer: Oh, right, gotcha. But you have to admit, for someone who was still in the closet when he released the album, he did a damn good job of making the songs ambiguous enough to swing both ways.
Jesse St. James: That whole album is basically complete genius. Nobody else could get away with singing about gay sex and attempted rape.
Blaine Fischer: And friendship and family and looooove.
Jesse St. James: But still, gay sex and attempted rape.
Kurt Hummel: PLEASE STOP NOW.
Kurt Hummel would like Blaine Fischer and Jesse St. James to know that thanks to them, he had an extremely uncomfortable conversation with his dad about condoms and how to say no.
Blaine Fischer: At least you got it over with now!
Jesse St. James: Happy to be of service.
Kurt Hummel: Why does that make you two happy?
Kurt Hummel > Finn Hudson: You’re not allowed to teach my dad how to use facebook while logged in anymore.
Finn Hudson: Sorry, bro.
Kurt Hummel: Call me ‘bro’ again and I’ll help your mom make a facebook.
Finn Hudson: Never again.
Kurt Hummel: I’m glad we had this talk.
Rachel Berry > Kurt Hummel: If you ever do need to have the talk, I’m sure my dads would be more than willing to help out.
Jesse St. James likes this.
Kurt Hummel: Rachel, please MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
Rachel Berry: But I know best!
Blaine Fischer: Wanky.
Santana Lopez: Stole the words right out of my mouth, prep-boy.
Blaine Fischer has just realized that he really should learn to think before he types.
Kurt Hummel: No kidding. I think the entirety of facebook is convinced that we both live in Jesse’s harem and do nothing but re-enact sex scenes from musicals on our "time off." Nice going.
Jesse St. James likes this.