Second Best -- Chapter 3
The following afternoon, Adam made a point of seeking out Jordan to talk to him.
His embarrassment when thinking back over the night before followed him throughout the day, and he cursed himself for the weakness and recklessness he’d shown at the hotel bar. Adam tried to remember Kris’s face in the few times he’d seen him watching him - tried to gauge how much damage he might have inadvertently done - but couldn’t really remember Kris noticing him much at all.
No, the only one who had paid much attention to him in his inebriated and slightly obnoxious state had been Jordan.
And Adam had yet to decide whether or not that was cause for relief.
Still, that afternoon, when he saw Jordan standing near one of the elevators on the floor reserved for the Idols, he put aside his embarrassed desire to retreat back to his room and bravely crossed the hall to where the other man stood.
“Hey.”
Jordan gave him a warm, pleasantly surprised smile. “Hey. You look… better.”
Adam gave him a withering glare that faded swiftly into a grimace of self-directed contempt as he lowered his gaze and shook his head before meeting Jordan’s knowing eyes again. His voice was hushed, confidential, as he asked softly, “Can I talk to you?”
“Of course, sure.”
Jordan agreed with a nod, turning and leaning against the elevator doorway, folding his arms over his chest and deliberately giving Adam his undivided attention. For some reason, this made Adam immediately feel very self-conscious, and he looked away, biting the side of his lip as he tried to find the right words. He felt the heat of embarrassment in his face and hoped desperately that his make-up was enough to cover it up.
“So, um… I wanted to… thank you. For… looking out for me last night, and, uh… stopping me before I made an even bigger and more pathetic ass of myself.”
Jordan rolled his eyes, waving his hand and making a dismissive “pfft” sound. “It was nothing, Adam, don’t worry about it. I’ve been doing celebrity security for years, and trust me, I’ve seen a lot worse…”
The knowing laugh that accompanied his words, the conspiratorial way in which he met Adam’s eyes, were both disarming and reassuring, and Adam found himself feeling more at ease. He returned Jordan’s smile with a grateful one of his own, before his expression became more serious, as his thoughts returned to the night before - the things he had tried to do, and the things Jordan had said to him…
“No, really,” he pressed quietly, holding Jordan’s gaze, his own searching and intent. “You’ve made it very clear that you’re… attracted to me, and… and I was acting like… well, like a little ho-bag slut,” he concluded matter-of-factly with a self-deprecating little huff of laughter and a sneer at his own expense as he looked away. He was quiet for a moment before meeting Jordan’s eyes again and continuing, “You could have easily taken advantage of that. Of me. And... you didn’t. And… I wanted to say thanks.”
Jordan didn’t respond for a moment, and Adam began to feel uneasy again under his unfaltering, penetrating gaze. In the sunlight that streamed through the window across from the elevator’s Jordan’s eyes took on an almost golden hue, his expression honest and speculative. When he finally spoke, his voice was certain, filled with quiet confidence.
“I meant what I said, Adam,” he said. “I’m not going to lie to you. I like you. Very much. And I’d like very much to be more than friends with you. But… what you offered me last night… is not what I want from you. I’m not looking to play games, or just have a little fun for one night.”
Adam blinked, slightly taken aback by Jordan’s direct words; but he couldn’t help but respect the man’s confidence and honesty.
The least he could offer him was the same in return.
“I get that.” He nodded slowly, his expression solemn and vaguely apologetic. “But… I’ve got a lot of stuff to work through right now before I can… can be with anyone…”
“You still love Kris.”
The truth, spoken with such simple clarity and without faltering, caught Adam off guard, and he found himself beginning to feel defensive. He squared his shoulders, putting on his trademark smirk. Raising a single brow in Jordan’s direction, he delivered a parting blow before spinning on his heel and stalking away.
“Well, there’s that… and also, you’re so not my type.”
*********************************
Over the next couple of weeks, Adam found that, while Jordan might not have been his “type” when it came to romance, he was exactly his type when it came to friendship.
He was both brutally honest when necessary, speaking the truth even when it hurt, if it was what Adam needed to hear; and clearly compassionate and understanding, listening when Adam needed to pour out his frustrations - about Kris, or anything else, for that matter. Adam found himself opening up more and more to his new friend as the days wore on, though he still kept back the greater part of the hurt he felt at Kris’s rejection.
Of course - it was gradually coming to hurt less and less.
It still hurt. He still missed Kris and their friendship, and what he’d hoped they might have beyond that.
But at least Adam’s days weren’t so lonely anymore.
Jordan was supportive, listening when Adam was feeling particularly down and insecure, without pushing him to relinquish any more than he was willing to tell. He gave him his space, not reaching out to touch him or overstep his bounds - always wary of the line Adam had deliberately set between them.
They both knew that Jordan wanted much more than friendship from Adam - but he made it clear that he was willing to offer only as much as Adam was willing to accept. Therefore, Adam was comfortable with accepting what Jordan offered, allowing himself to transfer some of what he’d invested into his friendship with Kris onto Jordan. He found that he missed Kris less and less as the tour gradually drew toward its close.
That was why it caught him completely off guard on the last night of the tour - when he realized just how bad goodbye was going to hurt.
He didn’t know what he’d expected. He’d known Kris wasn’t going to suddenly change his mind - wasn’t going to apologize for the choice that he obviously felt was the right one. Still, it hurt when Kris approached him - Katy at his side - with an awkward hug that was tense and distant, and a false smile to accompany shallow words.
“It’s been… it’s been so much fun. We’ll have to keep in touch.”
Adam forced a smile and nodded in agreement, while a piece of his heart shattered inside at the false, brittle shell that was all that was left of their friendship. He kept it together, even managing to give a completely unsuspecting Katy a warm, sincere hug, telling her how glad he’d been to have the chance to get to know her.
And then, all too soon, Kris and Katy were walking away, hand in hand, out of Adam’s life - and suddenly all of him felt as if it were shattering. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, trembling all over as tears sprang to his eyes. He couldn’t deal with another staff member of tour-mate coming to give him their well wishes and kind words, not when even the vain hope of the only one he wanted to talk to - the only one he wanted - had just been lost to him forever.
Adam slipped away from the group, walking swiftly on trembling legs until he found himself behind the buses, out of sight. He leaned against the back of one of them, his legs no longer feeling capable of supporting him, as his despairing tears of loss streamed down his face. There was a deep ache in his chest, an agonizing numbness in his heart, as he struggled to come to terms with what he was losing - what still meant so much to him, even after all this time.
Adam was lost in his own pain, unaware when a soft rain started to fall - when the sobs began to overtake him - when Jordan somehow found him. He vaguely felt the strong, steadying arms that wrapped around him at last, pulling him close. Frustrated and angry and hurting, Adam fought him at first, crying, struggling to pull away - but Jordan held onto him firmly, gently murmuring soothing words in his ear.
“Adam, it’s okay… I’ve got you… it’s all right…”
Finally, Adam relented, his struggles ceasing as he allowed his body to sag against Jordan’s supportive strength, allowing his tear-streaked face to fall onto Jordan’s shoulder. His voice broke over the words of his simple, anguished confession.
“It hurts!”
“I know, baby…”
“And I’m a freakin’ idiot for letting him hurt me like this, but he’s gone, and I can’t… I can’t stand it,” Adam sobbed breathlessly, his reserve forgotten in the depth of his pain. “I can’t… I can’t stand… being alone anymore…”
“You’re not,” Jordan whispered into his ear, one large hand stroking soothingly through Adam’s hair, now messy and disheveled and soaked through with the rain that fell around them. “You’re not alone, Adam.”
Adam froze in his arms, instantly recognizing the double meaning in Jordan’s words. He drew back slowly, looking up into Jordan’s eyes with a smoldering, desperate intensity in his own. His emotions were roiling inside him, tumbling over each other in a tangled mass of confusion, until his hurt and his longing became indistinguishable from each other.
I’m just so tired… so tired of being alone…
He took Jordan by surprise when he abruptly, forcefully grabbed his arms and reversed their positions, pushing Jordan up against the rear of the bus and pressing an intense, desperate kiss against Jordan’s surprise-parted lips. Adam deepened the kiss - searching, needy, longing - until Jordan finally recovered enough to put his hands on his shoulders and push him back a little, forcing Adam to meet his eyes. His expression was solemn, troubled, as he tilted his head warningly.
“Adam…” His voice was hoarse with desire and emotion. “… I don’t wanna be your… your drug of choice, just to numb yourself out for the night… and then have you forget about me tomorrow when you decide to keep… pining over him some more…”
Adam considered those words through the filter of the bitterness and pain he now felt toward Kris, and the very different feelings beginning to stir within him for Jordan. He bit his kiss-swollen, damp lower lip, searching Jordan’s eyes as he weighed his answer and finally spoke with stark, simple honesty.
“He doesn’t want me,” he whispered. “He never did. You do. And… I do want you, too. I… I like you. And… I don’t want to be alone anymore.” He paused, shaking his head and adding urgently, “It’s not just for tonight. I… I don’t know what this is, but I know it’s not just for tonight…”
Jordan hesitated, his voice low and gentle when he replied. “Adam… I’m… not sure that’s enough. We should… we should talk…”
Adam started to protest, but then lowered his eyes and nodded, disappointment clear in the fallen set of his shoulders. Even as he accepted Jordan’s words, however, his hands slipped around Jordan’s waist, running slowly back and forth as his breath caught in his throat, lingering evidence of his desire. Jordan’s hands slid away from Adam’s shoulders - one edging up to tenderly caress through his hair, the other down his arm to his wrist, and around to rest on his hip.
The rain-soaked air crackled with the tension that surrounded them, their breath quickening in tandem, their hands trembling and needy, instinctively drawing each other closer despite their spoken resolve. Adam tilted his head up again, his lips parted and wordlessly pleading as Jordan’s hand slid around to edge along the waist of his jeans, and a soft gasp escaped his lips.
It was more than Jordan could take.
“Screw it,” he muttered, his touch no longer tentative, one hand behind Adam’s head drawing him in closer. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
And without another word, Jordan effortlessly reversed their positions again, pressing Adam hard up against the bus and claiming Adam’s mouth with his own as his hands slid quick and needy and frantic over Adam’s arms, sides, hips - anywhere he could touch. Adam’s hands shook as he returned Jordan’s embrace, yielding to his kiss, willingly losing himself and all semblance of control in Jordan’s touch, as the rain fell harder - unnoticed - around them.
TBC...