Fic: Fair
Title: Fair
Author: morganlight
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13. Lots of dialogue + angst + psychology.
Notes: When I started the 'Charles Browder shares his wisdom' series, I did NOT expect it to get depressing. But then it did, because this part wrote itself, even after I had planned out all the parts I had... planned. This one said 'Fuck you, I will be written.' I am owned by my own muse, it seems.
And this is a sequel, I guess, to So Much To Say and Overdue.
I have officially written more Kradam fanfic than any other kind of fanfic in any fandom. I'm not sure what this suggests, except that I tend not to write fanfic unless I feel like it could ~really happen.
Also: I am a whore for italics.
With that...
Fair
When I was sure you’d follow through
My world was turned to blue, so thin…
And all my words were bound to fail
--Remy Zero, ‘Fair’
“Kris?”
“Yes?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“Seriously. I saw the YouTube videos. Seriously? Adam’s name with a heart drawn around it? Are you going to put that shit in your wallet?”
“Maybe.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You said that already.”
“You’re like a junior high school kid drawing hearts all over his notebook. Grow some balls, will you?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m married.”
“Yeah, and Katy would totally kick your ass if she knew how you were acting.”
“He’s with his boyfriend now, dude. Has been for a while. What am I supposed to tell him- ‘Hi, I have some confusing sexual feelings for you so kindly put your life on hold until I figure them out’?”
“Fact: if you showed the slightest hint of interest beyond flirtation, he’d be on you like butter on a biscuit.”
“Thank you for the subtlety. And that’s not funny.”
“I’m serious.”
“You’re being stupid.”
“I’m being honest. Which seems to be beyond you, these days. Remember, you came to me a month ago. You were the one who couldn’t deal. Did you change your mind?”
“I never made it up.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Charles-”
“How is it that I know more about your feelings than you do? How is it that Katy does?”
“Katy doesn’t-”
“Oh, she does. She just doesn’t say anything. I think she wants you to figure it out for yourself.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“It’s not about fairness. God doesn’t do things because he wants it all to be fair.”
“I already tried it, okay?
“… what?”
“What you said. Right after the Detroit gig. The duet, and… it felt.. I mean, I’ve got Katy, and he’s got the whole world, but I still presumed that I might be what he wanted.
“We were backstage, talking about something stupid - I don’t even remember - and I reached my head up… it’s still weird, I mean, I’m not used to reaching up. But he turned his head at the last second, and I got a mouthful of chin.”
“What did he say?”
“That I shouldn’t ruin my career with jokes. That I was drunk, or something, though I hadn’t had anything but a beer at lunch. That I had to stop teasing, because it wouldn’t be good for anyone.”
“… he still thinks you’re teasing.”
“I guess.”
“Because you haven’t told him anything.”
“It’s not as easy as that-”
“Kris, you’re killing me. He’s being noble. He’s taking the high road. You honestly think he hasn’t had to talk himself out of doing the same thing?”
“Does it really matter at this point? He’s back in LA. No more show, no more tour. I’m not even praying anymore - I’m just trying to live within the limits. You’re right: life’s not meant to be fair. Life’s a compromise. A moderation of want. And all he does is make me want.”
“Kris…”
“Thanks for your help, Charles. Really. I’m just… done with it.”
“I can’t force you. I can only say that when something is written all over your face, it can’t be easily ignored. You can’t run away from it.”
“Yeah? Watch me.”
Kris hung up. He hated hanging up on people, and he hated to lie, but at this point he was trying his damnedest to be okay with both.
Author: morganlight
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13. Lots of dialogue + angst + psychology.
Notes: When I started the 'Charles Browder shares his wisdom' series, I did NOT expect it to get depressing. But then it did, because this part wrote itself, even after I had planned out all the parts I had... planned. This one said 'Fuck you, I will be written.' I am owned by my own muse, it seems.
And this is a sequel, I guess, to So Much To Say and Overdue.
I have officially written more Kradam fanfic than any other kind of fanfic in any fandom. I'm not sure what this suggests, except that I tend not to write fanfic unless I feel like it could ~really happen.
Also: I am a whore for italics.
With that...
Fair
When I was sure you’d follow through
My world was turned to blue, so thin…
And all my words were bound to fail
--Remy Zero, ‘Fair’
“Kris?”
“Yes?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“Seriously. I saw the YouTube videos. Seriously? Adam’s name with a heart drawn around it? Are you going to put that shit in your wallet?”
“Maybe.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You said that already.”
“You’re like a junior high school kid drawing hearts all over his notebook. Grow some balls, will you?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m married.”
“Yeah, and Katy would totally kick your ass if she knew how you were acting.”
“He’s with his boyfriend now, dude. Has been for a while. What am I supposed to tell him- ‘Hi, I have some confusing sexual feelings for you so kindly put your life on hold until I figure them out’?”
“Fact: if you showed the slightest hint of interest beyond flirtation, he’d be on you like butter on a biscuit.”
“Thank you for the subtlety. And that’s not funny.”
“I’m serious.”
“You’re being stupid.”
“I’m being honest. Which seems to be beyond you, these days. Remember, you came to me a month ago. You were the one who couldn’t deal. Did you change your mind?”
“I never made it up.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Charles-”
“How is it that I know more about your feelings than you do? How is it that Katy does?”
“Katy doesn’t-”
“Oh, she does. She just doesn’t say anything. I think she wants you to figure it out for yourself.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“It’s not about fairness. God doesn’t do things because he wants it all to be fair.”
“I already tried it, okay?
“… what?”
“What you said. Right after the Detroit gig. The duet, and… it felt.. I mean, I’ve got Katy, and he’s got the whole world, but I still presumed that I might be what he wanted.
“We were backstage, talking about something stupid - I don’t even remember - and I reached my head up… it’s still weird, I mean, I’m not used to reaching up. But he turned his head at the last second, and I got a mouthful of chin.”
“What did he say?”
“That I shouldn’t ruin my career with jokes. That I was drunk, or something, though I hadn’t had anything but a beer at lunch. That I had to stop teasing, because it wouldn’t be good for anyone.”
“… he still thinks you’re teasing.”
“I guess.”
“Because you haven’t told him anything.”
“It’s not as easy as that-”
“Kris, you’re killing me. He’s being noble. He’s taking the high road. You honestly think he hasn’t had to talk himself out of doing the same thing?”
“Does it really matter at this point? He’s back in LA. No more show, no more tour. I’m not even praying anymore - I’m just trying to live within the limits. You’re right: life’s not meant to be fair. Life’s a compromise. A moderation of want. And all he does is make me want.”
“Kris…”
“Thanks for your help, Charles. Really. I’m just… done with it.”
“I can’t force you. I can only say that when something is written all over your face, it can’t be easily ignored. You can’t run away from it.”
“Yeah? Watch me.”
Kris hung up. He hated hanging up on people, and he hated to lie, but at this point he was trying his damnedest to be okay with both.