Fic: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest (8/?)
Title: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Beta:
cpt_untouchable & empath89 - thank you both very much for you all round awesomeness :)
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which if you would like to read, you can find it HERE
Notes: Helloooo everyone! Who is ready for Kris and Adam to do some sexy times actual talking? hee. Thank you for the comments on the last chapter, I hope you guys enjoy it. You might all hate me again by the end of it who knows? lol I shall hand out some cookies in the hopes of buying you all over *huggles*
Disclaimer: Ya da ya da... I do not own Adam Lambert OR Kris Allen. Even if sometimes I like to pretend I do. :D
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four - Chapter Five - Chapter Six - Chapter Seven
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Eight: Stone
Adam really had every intention of taking Matt and Danny's advice. He listened carefully to their repeated words, dwelling on the matter and over thinking it would only make it harder to do and he had nodded and smiled kindly thanking them both for helping him in their own special way. But he did think that it was probably a lot easier for them because they weren't the ones who actually had to go and do it.
The thing was, he didn't know quite where to start. He hadn't forgiven Kris so he couldn't open with, “All's forgiven.” He didn't understand how Kris was feeling so he couldn't ask him about that, it would be a wasted attempt. How could he even begin piece together the small parts of information Kris had given him when he understood nothing at all? All he had was question after unanswered question. It was okay for Danny to question whether or not Adam really needed to know the answers, but Adam felt like he really did. Before anything else, before any moving on, he had to at least understand. Surely there was nothing wrong with that?
But in the few hours he had spent hiding from Matt and Danny and overthinking his options, a happy distraction had turned up in the shape of Megan. She had run up to him, wide-eyed and panicked, shrieking in a very un-Meganlike way. Somehow, between the excitement of all being back together and nights of ridiculous parties suggested by Allison, it seemed they had forgotten the reason they were all there: Megan and Anoop's wedding. She was cautious at first, and Adam was well aware this was the first time he had been alone with Megan since the night he had passed out and left them all panicked. Her eyes looked worried and Adam knew the words, “Are you okay?” were seconds from being spoken and he decided to beat her to it, grabbing her hands affectionately, planting a warm smile across his face and promising her he really was okay, just a case of being over-dramatic and drinking far too much, it put her at ease and her attention soon went back to her reason for cornering Adam.
Megan had sat for what felt like hours as she frantically ran through her list of everything that needed to be done and Adam had sat there calming her and taking in everything she said, promising to help her. It couldn't be called avoidance if he was doing a good deed for someone else.
It hadn't stopped the constant hassle he got from Matt and Danny though. “Have you spoken to Kris yet?” had suddenly become their way of saying hello, Adam had managed a few times to escape them, waving his hand as a brush of and exclaiming he was helping Megan. Other times they cornered him when he was alone and Adam just said that he hadn't seen Kris yet that day. They saw it for what it was, of course. Not that he didn't want to help Megan -- he really did, she was easy and relaxing company and she didn't push things.
Like when they had sat outside on the grass, flicking through hair magazines for design ideas and she had peeped over her magazine and looked at Adam with careful eyes. “He misses you, you know?” she said, practically whispering the words, even though no one else was around.
Adam had merely nodded and continued flicking through his own magazine. “That's what I keep hearing.”
“Just making you aware.”
And that was that, she hadn't mentioned Kris since, and a couple of days went by and Adam was living in a bubble filled with wedding food, music and outfits and it really had been the absolutely perfect distraction. Except he really should have known better than to assume Megan would let certain things slide.
They had made cocoa, with marshmallows slowly becoming Adam's favourite thing about spending so much time with Megan, they were sitting talking about what music would be best for the wedding and Adam hadn't been able to stop the uncontrollable laughter from leaving him at Megan's suggestion of “November Rain.” Then she was looking at him with serious eyes, ones that spoke out so loudly saying “I know what's going on here.” without actually saying a word.
“Danny told us it was a panic attack. Too much alcohol my ass huh?”
Adam shrugged, trying to keep as nonchalant about it as possible, but of course that didn't deter Megan, she wrapped her fingers around her mug and took a small sip. “I can take a guess who they are about... and I can also tell you don't want to talk about it. But I just want you to know, everyone's pretty damn worried about you. So maybe you can stop avoiding everyone now and just let them know your at least okay.”
She smiled widely before placing her mug on the table and clapping her hands together excitedly. “What about Dead or Alive?”
That evening was the most Adam had laughed in a long time.
Megan's plan had been to get everything figured out before people started arriving and they were pretty much done. There were a few minor things still to figure out and Megan was pushing to get them finished but Adam decided to take her advice and surround himself with his friends rather than another night locked away and hiding. He had managed to convince Megan to calm down for one night and spend it with the others, because everyone would be arriving the next day and there would be no time for them to all be alone together like this again.
Adam was snuggled into the sofa with Allison wedged against his side. Her head dropped every now and then, snapping up quickly as she tried to fight sleep. She had always been the one to crash first all throughout Idol. Even when the others around them still continued their loud conversations, she seemed able to drift off wherever and whatever her surroundings. He shifted his arm around her, rested his palm on her hair and slowly ran his fingers through it. He knew exactly what she was doing, she hadn't changed that much in all the years he had known her. She wanted to stay awake to make sure she didn't miss anything. He was still trying to convince her that they really weren't that interesting.
Allison sighed and moved slightly, getting more comfortable next to Adam. He smiled and listened to the others as they all talked around him. The main track of the conversation was how Anoop and Megan had started their relationship. The two of them seemed to be arguing about it. From what Adam could remember, they were Megan and Anoop: Close Friends, and then after one night out with too much to drink they were suddenly Megan and Anoop: Couple.
“Megan, whatever Anoop says he was crushing on you for weeks. He wouldn't shut up about you.” Matt laughed as he stuffed more potato chips into his mouth and winked at Anoop.
“You can't embarrass me about that now, Matty, we're getting married. Any secrets go out the window.”
Adam watched as Megan gripped Anoop's hand and leaned into his body. The two of them were so natural together; the most unlikely people to find love in the crazy situation they had found themselves in, and yet they had.
“Better you than me,” Matt spluttered, with a mouthful of food and Adam laughed slightly, amazed by how much food the man could intake and still remain so fat free.
“I think you, Danny, and Adam are never going to find anyone at this rate...” Lil laughed as she snatched the chips out of Matt's fingers, ignoring the disappointed look that crossed his face.
“Hey! Leave me out of those two and their weird living arrangement.” Matt laughed at his own lame excuse of a joke and jumped across to try and tackle Lil for the chips. Above the commotion, Danny's voice could be heard.
“There is nothing weird about me and Adam's living arrangement. We're friends and we live together. He’s my best friend. Who else would I want to live with, especially if my other option is you.” Danny gestured towards Matt who only smiled before continuing his attack on Lil.
Adam smiled down at Danny who was now attempting unsuccessfully to kick Matt which seemed to result in Matt trying to wrestle with Lil while trying to kick Danny back at the same time. It provided them with five minutes of amusement before Lil shouted that enough was enough and gave up the chips, demanding Danny and Matt move away from one another. The rest of them snickered as Lil went into Mom mode.
“Kris, you've been quiet this whole time... what's going on with you, man?”
Kris was sitting next to Anoop smiling down at his friends and suddenly with all the attention on him the smile faded. Adam could see that he was uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his neck, tongue flicking across his lips briefly. “Uh... not much. Just been recording.”
“You just finished your tour right?” Anoop was pressing, pushing for more. Adam hadn't realised, but this was the first time Kris had spoken all night and it wasn't like the Kris he remembered. Kris could be quiet, and sometimes shy, but around them he had been open and laughing and always talking. His presence was always felt, and now Adam felt like Kris had somehow slipped into the background.
“Yeah... about a month ago. It was crazy.”
How had Adam not noticed it until now? There was something missing from Kris, some kind of spark that was gone and maybe he hadn't wanted to look too closely before, but now that he was it was all wrong. It was like some kind of watered down version of the Kris they all knew.
“How's Katy?”
Kris's whole body tensed with the mention of her name. Anoop was just being his usual self, caring and friendly, interested in what was going on in Kris's life, but the atmosphere shifted noticeably. There was an unspoken tension and it was immediately felt.
“Katy's fine. Back in Arkansas, decorating.”
Anoop seemed oblivious to everyone else and continued to throw questions at Kris.
“She's back in Arkansas? I thought you guys were living in LA now?”
Adam had to love Anoop for this because they were things he wanted to know, small things that he was reluctant to ask but that were still so important. He watched Kris carefully, and wasn't sure if Kris was purposely avoiding Adam's gaze or if he just couldn't bring himself to meet it.
“I'm still living in L.A. But we just bought a new house in Arkansas, so … y’know. Katy wanted to be there and get everything how she... how we want it.”
Adam finally looked away. He was pretty sure Anoop couldn't feel the uncomfortable tension in the room, but it was there, hanging over them all. It struck Adam that this conversation should have been had days ago. Had no one even asked Kris about how he was and his life? He could only assume Megan was the only one who had.
“Is she coming to the wedding?”
Adam's voice surprised even him, and his head flew up looking in Kris's direction. He could feel everyone else looking at him as well, but Kris stood out eyes wide and unsure.
“Ah... yeah, she said she would.”
Adam nodded and averted his eyes again, and another silence fell across the room. He rested his head against Allison's and closed his eyes. He listened to the sounds of Anoop and Megan whispering to one another. Danny, Lil and Matt were laughing amongst themselves and Scott was snoring softly on the other end of the sofa. Allison muttered and shifted closer, her arm flinging across Adam's chest. He lifted his head away and looked down to see her face twisted in confusion as she slept. Even like this, it would seem her mind was still running actively. He brushed the red hair off her face and smiled down at her. There was still such a sweet innocence about her. He sort of wished he still had that.
Danny, Matt and Lil were quiet as they stood up to go to bed, Matt even exaggerating giant steps on his tip toes as he walked out the room, (which was only made more hilarious when he lost his balance and fell over in a pile at the bottom of the stairs, Lil and Danny stepped over him, shaking their heads). Adam laughed to himself quietly as Matt pulled himself up off the floor, took a bow and then ran up the stairs.
Anoop and Megan were leaning back on the sofa, looking down at their entwined fingers. Anoop had moved his face to rest his mouth at Megan's ear and Adam could hear a faint whisper as he spoke to her. He looked away, it was too intrusive watching them like that. Kris’s space on the sofa was empty and Adam looked across the room to find Kris standing in the doorway that led out onto the decking, staring at him. He didn't linger though, just turned away and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.
Adam was very careful not to disturb Allison as he pulled himself away. She muttered something that sounded like protests as Adam finally moved off the sofa, but he laid her down gently and she seemed to relax, curling up into herself and smiling.
The walk to the door took a long time. He made it halfway before turning around and walking back. After the seventh time of doing this, he realized he was fucking lame and the look that Anoop gave him only confirmed it. Megan's expression was softer, more understanding. Adam was trying to justify the struggle, had been trying to convince himself for the last three days that it was okay that he was finding it this hard, but he was seriously beginning to feel like he was just being a coward. He wasn't weak, he wasn't bad at making decisions, he knew what he wanted and went for it, and that applied to all areas of his life. Apart from Kris Allen, who seemed to be completely separate from it.
After countless trips across the floor and many strange looks from Anoop, Adam made it to the door, pulled it open and welcomed the cool air against his face. Kris was standing not far from the door at the top of the steps looking out across the view, taking it all in. He went and stood by his side, wanting to make his presence known, even though he thought perhaps Kris had already known Adam would follow him.
“It's so beautiful here,” Kris said, soft and quiet, simply stating the fact. “I get why Megan and Anoop chose to come here for this.”
Adam nodded hoping the gesture was seen by Kris. Of course there would be small talk. There always had to be small talk. Adam couldn't just walk out and start throwing out questions at him.
“Why is Katy in Arkansas?”
Or, apparently, he could.
Adam really had no idea what he was doing. He wished he had spent more time planning out this conversation rather than worrying about it. But that was where the problem lay, because Adam wasn't a planner. He had never been good at it. Even following plans was a hardship for him, which normally resulted in him doing the exact opposite of what he should be doing.
“Like I said, decorating.”
“Right.”
Kris sighed heavily. “She thinks it might help. If we do this together, make the house ours... that's why she was mad at me for coming here. My marriage should be more important than my friends.”
The thing was Katy had a point, even Adam could see that, and maybe it was extremely selfish of her but that didn’t make it less true. Perhaps Kris knew that as well.
“Then why did you come?” That was a stupid fucking question to ask. Stupid fucking question. He didn't want the answer ‘because of you.’ In fact, he was pretty sure if those were the words that came out of Kris's mouth he was heading back inside and out of this conversation. He turned his head to look at Kris, who seemed to be wondering the same thing.
“I felt a little suffocated. Being on tour was like breathing fresh air, and going home... well it doesn't feel like home anymore. I missed... I missed everyone and I'll admit to a slight case of running away.”
Adam nodded. That much he could understand. He was an expert at running away and hiding from his feelings. He had pretty much perfected it over the last few years. Maybe even long before then. A silence fell between them, clearly neither of them knowing what to say next. What was too much? What wasn't enough?
“So you missed everyone, huh? Even Gokey?”
Adam had a knack for making inappropriate jokes that no one but him would find funny, and he was fairly sure this wasn't the time to be making them, but it was literally the only thing that processed through his brain and fell from his lips. He waited for what felt like hours before he heard a small laugh escape Kris, gone as quickly as it came.
“I'm sorry about the other night, Adam. Trapping you like that... I just wanted to talk to you and I didn't know how else to get you to listen. If you'd even want to listen.”
“I didn't want to listen and I'm pretty sure I still don't. But whether I want to admit it or not, there are some things that need to be said and that I have to hear.”
“You want closure.” It wasn't a question, just a statement full of sadness and longing.
“It doesn't look like holding onto this did either of us any good. I haven't let it go, I have all this anger and... this isn't me Kris. I don't recognise who I am anymore. It’s like I do everything because I know what's expected from me, what everyone is asking, but its not me. Not really. And every time I stop and think about it, every time I trace it back, it all goes to the same point in my life.”
“It's my fault.”
“That's not what I said.”
“It's what you meant.”
It really wasn't what Adam meant, and he wondered if he was this annoying when he was being as self-deprecating as Kris was right now. “No. It's too late for throwing blame now. Maybe you are to blame, maybe I am, I don't know. I want to not care anymore about who’s to blame. I want to move on.”
“Well, I can't help you do that.” Kris' walked away, his footsteps loud on the decking, and Adam followed after him quickly.
“Don't you think you owe me that much, Kris?”
Kris turned around before Adam had even reached him, his voice harsher than it had been before. “You don't get it, do you? I can't help you. I've got a wife who wants us to plan a new future together. She's talking about kids and a family and I know that I'm going to have to look her in the eye and tell her that we can never have any of that. I've got people waiting to hear new songs and I can't write a damn thing because I feel nothing.”
Adam's own anger was growing but he looked at Kris and knew this had nothing to do with what had passed between them. This wasn't three years’ worth of a broken heart and regrets, it was Kris’s life coming crashing down around him, no support, so stability. He saw them all back in the lounge a few moments ago, all of them huddled together and Kris on the end of the sofa, a missing part lost and left out alone with no one to cling onto.
Kris was still glaring at him, waiting for some kind of response and Adam had nothing. If this had been them when they first met, Adam would be pulling Kris into his arms right now, telling him it would be okay, sitting him down and letting him talk out everything he was feeling. But he couldn't do that now, this wasn't the same, it wasn't sharing problems between friends. It was Kris admitting that he was failing, and Adam could see him fighting to be strong, to not let Adam be the person who saw him break.
“I shouldn't have come here. I keep fucking everything up. God, the other night I tried... I'm sorry I hit on you, I wish I could use the excuse that I was drunk, but... I wasn't thinking. It was a shitty thing to do --”
Adam held up his hands to stop Kris. “Forget about it.”
“Forget about it, story of my life.”
Kris turned away again, walking a few steps to sit in one of the chairs along the decking. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked up at Adam who hadn't moved, standing and watching Kris closely.
“What do you want from me, Adam? Why did you come out here?”
“I think I explained that already.”
“No. I mean, what do you actually want? Because you say we can't be friends, that you don't want to talk to me. You’re still saying you don't want to talk to me even though you’re standing here now. Do you even know what you want?”
“Do you?”
“No, but at least I can admit it.”
Adam moved nearer but Kris flinched away and Adam stopped, leaning carefully against the railing opposite Kris. “Do you really believe we could be friends, Kris? Honestly? After everything that happened, you think we can just go back to the way it was before...?”
“I'm not stupid enough to think that we could go back. Of course I'm not. But the truth of it, Adam, is that I feel different when I'm with you, even after everything that happened. I still feel like I can talk to you about anything. That hasn't changed. Not for me.”
It was selfish, but that's what Adam needed to hear. He'd never make a false promise to Kris that they could be friends. He never would. He didn't have that much hate in him. “Good. Then talk to me. What happened to make you like this?”
“You were there.”
Adam shook his head in disbelief. “No. This isn't me, this isn't about you leaving me. This is more than that.”
[ Kris surprised him by choking out a bitter laugh. “Why do you care?”
Adam turned his head away to look over the meadow behind him. Kris wasn't stupid, he'd see it for exactly what it was, eventually. He waited in silence, letting it sink in for Kris.
“Right... I get it. This isn't about you caring about me. You just want to move on, right? So you think talking to me is going to help you do that? I never thought you could be so selfish...”
Adam snapped his head round. “I'm selfish? Fine, I'll admit that this is a shitty thing to do, but you have no idea what this is like for me Kris. It's not easy to stand here and watch you like this. I want to be there for you, but I can't do it. I hate you for what you did to me, for making me trust you, for loving me and then taking it back like it meant nothing. I've waited for it to fade, I thought over time I'd move on and get over it, but then I'd see you at a party or some event, all over Katy, smiling and happy and I'd be back in that fucking apartment. It is impossible to move on with constant reminders and you weren't even talking to me! You were just there, still everywhere I went. So, fine! I'm being selfish right now but we're both getting what we want. I'm the only person you feel like you can talk to and I have to find some way to let go. Maybe this is exactly how to do it.”
Kris shook his head, Adam’s words surprising both of them. They confirmed, for Adam, that he really didn't have any kind of plan. This was all coming from nowhere and it hurt and it made sense and he hated himself for doing it. Kris slapped his palms against his legs and stood up.
“Well, what do you want to know Adam? I'm guessing you want the detailed story of the moment I realised I made the wrong decision for my life. When I looked at Katy and realised that I didn't love her anymore, not in the way she needed me to. How about when I leave for tour, and I can't wait to leave because I don't want to be around her because I feel guilty every single time I look into her eyes and can see that she already knows that she's lost me? Oh, and what about how both of us are still holding on after three years for absolutely nothing at all because we're both too scared to be without each other.” Kris edged closer and closer as he spoke, his eyes crazy and wild and nothing like Adam had ever seen before in him.
“I know what story you'll like...” Kris faked a smile, stopping inches from Adam. “I've cheated on Katy, when I've been on tour. I've gone out and found random guys and fucked them and she has no idea, no idea that I've lied to her. That I've cheated on her. Only, can it really be cheating if you and your wife may as well not even be together anymore because whatever connected you is gone?”
Adam clung onto the railing, his fingers starting to hurt, his fingernails digging into the wood tighter and tighter as he tried not to react.
“I had to know, you see... I had to know that it wasn't just you. I never thought about it before I met you. I never questioned who I was, what I wanted. It was Katy and no one else and then you walked into my life...” Kris's voice was bitter as poison.
“I think about that night when you kissed me. I go over it in my mind. I think about what I did that made you think that I was interested, if I acted differently with you than with anyone else, and I can't think of anything. It wasn't anything I did, was it? You just knew... probably before I did. So you just went for what you wanted.--”
“-- It wasn't fucking like that and you know it.”
“Do I? Because I always wonder what we'd be like now if you hadn't done that. If we would still be friends, if me and Katy would be okay, and I come up blank. I can't think of any outcome other than what happened because I think that you knew, you knew the truth. Katy and I would have fallen apart even if you hadn't kissed me because she was never going to be enough, she'd never be what I really wanted. She's my best friend and the one thing that I keep secret about myself I can't tell her, because it will break her heart.”
Kris took a step back, his face softening, releasing the tension that he had been holding onto as he spoke. “And I've done enough breaking hearts to last a lifetime.”
Adam relaxed his grip on the railing and stepped forward as Kris retreated. He felt like he was shaking and he tried to grasp onto thoughts that were present and now. He wouldn't go back to that night, he wouldn't admit that he had “what ifs” just like Kris did, he wouldn't admit to anything.
“So what else do you want to know, Adam? You got a list of questions there? Maybe I can just write them down for you and then we don't ever have to speak again.”
“I didn't...” Adam faltered, words failing him. He was completely and utterly bewildered by Kris’s response and the shifts in his personality -- how one moment he could be calm and just like the Kris he knew and then in another he was gone and changed into someone so lost and dark. He sounded like someone who had given up already with no more fight left in him.
“You're better than this, Kris.”
It was all Adam could think to say, but he meant it. Despite everything, he meant it.
Kris seemed as taken aback as Adam, moving nearer again and watching Adam closely, as if to see how Adam would react. Adam was scared, and he could have easily sidestepped but he felt compelled to stay, needing to know what Kris was going to do.
“Will you just answer one thing for me? If you don't want to talk to me again that's fine, we can get through this week and... will you just answer this for me?”
They were so close again, too close perhaps, but Adam didn't stop him and he didn't want to. Adam nodded and Kris licked his lips.
“Do you miss me? I mean, really? Like I miss you, every day thinking about you, driving myself crazy with who you are with what you're doing... is it like that for you?”
“Yes,” Adam breathed quietly.
Neither of them heard the car approaching up the drive towards the house, too caught up in each other to notice anything else. It wasn't until they heard a car door slamming that they broke away from each other, the moment crashing apart with the sound.
They both searched over the darkness to make out the figure moving towards them. It wasn't until the person stood at the bottom of the stairs, eyes wide and staring at the two of them that Adam realised who it was.
Katy's face was like stone, regarding them with a blank expression, neither surprised nor shocked. She didn't even look hurt - just tired and too old for her age. The front door came flying open and Anoop hurried out, Megan closely behind him.
“We heard a car... everything okay?” They both looked in Kris and Adam's direction and then seemed to realise that Katy was there too. Megan's face was clear to read, but Anoop, as oblivious as ever, took the stage.
“Katy! Hey...” Anoop stepped forward holding his arms out to welcome Katy forward and up the stairs. “Kris... what are you doing man? Get your wife's bags.” Anoop slapped him on the back and pulled Katy into the house. Kris nodded and quickly ran down the stairs leaving Adam behind, overwhelmed by inexplicable guilt.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Beta:
cpt_untouchable & empath89 - thank you both very much for you all round awesomeness :)
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which if you would like to read, you can find it HERE
Notes: Helloooo everyone! Who is ready for Kris and Adam to do some sexy times actual talking? hee. Thank you for the comments on the last chapter, I hope you guys enjoy it. You might all hate me again by the end of it who knows? lol I shall hand out some cookies in the hopes of buying you all over *huggles*
Disclaimer: Ya da ya da... I do not own Adam Lambert OR Kris Allen. Even if sometimes I like to pretend I do. :D
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four - Chapter Five - Chapter Six - Chapter Seven
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Eight: Stone
Adam really had every intention of taking Matt and Danny's advice. He listened carefully to their repeated words, dwelling on the matter and over thinking it would only make it harder to do and he had nodded and smiled kindly thanking them both for helping him in their own special way. But he did think that it was probably a lot easier for them because they weren't the ones who actually had to go and do it.
The thing was, he didn't know quite where to start. He hadn't forgiven Kris so he couldn't open with, “All's forgiven.” He didn't understand how Kris was feeling so he couldn't ask him about that, it would be a wasted attempt. How could he even begin piece together the small parts of information Kris had given him when he understood nothing at all? All he had was question after unanswered question. It was okay for Danny to question whether or not Adam really needed to know the answers, but Adam felt like he really did. Before anything else, before any moving on, he had to at least understand. Surely there was nothing wrong with that?
But in the few hours he had spent hiding from Matt and Danny and overthinking his options, a happy distraction had turned up in the shape of Megan. She had run up to him, wide-eyed and panicked, shrieking in a very un-Meganlike way. Somehow, between the excitement of all being back together and nights of ridiculous parties suggested by Allison, it seemed they had forgotten the reason they were all there: Megan and Anoop's wedding. She was cautious at first, and Adam was well aware this was the first time he had been alone with Megan since the night he had passed out and left them all panicked. Her eyes looked worried and Adam knew the words, “Are you okay?” were seconds from being spoken and he decided to beat her to it, grabbing her hands affectionately, planting a warm smile across his face and promising her he really was okay, just a case of being over-dramatic and drinking far too much, it put her at ease and her attention soon went back to her reason for cornering Adam.
Megan had sat for what felt like hours as she frantically ran through her list of everything that needed to be done and Adam had sat there calming her and taking in everything she said, promising to help her. It couldn't be called avoidance if he was doing a good deed for someone else.
It hadn't stopped the constant hassle he got from Matt and Danny though. “Have you spoken to Kris yet?” had suddenly become their way of saying hello, Adam had managed a few times to escape them, waving his hand as a brush of and exclaiming he was helping Megan. Other times they cornered him when he was alone and Adam just said that he hadn't seen Kris yet that day. They saw it for what it was, of course. Not that he didn't want to help Megan -- he really did, she was easy and relaxing company and she didn't push things.
Like when they had sat outside on the grass, flicking through hair magazines for design ideas and she had peeped over her magazine and looked at Adam with careful eyes. “He misses you, you know?” she said, practically whispering the words, even though no one else was around.
Adam had merely nodded and continued flicking through his own magazine. “That's what I keep hearing.”
“Just making you aware.”
And that was that, she hadn't mentioned Kris since, and a couple of days went by and Adam was living in a bubble filled with wedding food, music and outfits and it really had been the absolutely perfect distraction. Except he really should have known better than to assume Megan would let certain things slide.
They had made cocoa, with marshmallows slowly becoming Adam's favourite thing about spending so much time with Megan, they were sitting talking about what music would be best for the wedding and Adam hadn't been able to stop the uncontrollable laughter from leaving him at Megan's suggestion of “November Rain.” Then she was looking at him with serious eyes, ones that spoke out so loudly saying “I know what's going on here.” without actually saying a word.
“Danny told us it was a panic attack. Too much alcohol my ass huh?”
Adam shrugged, trying to keep as nonchalant about it as possible, but of course that didn't deter Megan, she wrapped her fingers around her mug and took a small sip. “I can take a guess who they are about... and I can also tell you don't want to talk about it. But I just want you to know, everyone's pretty damn worried about you. So maybe you can stop avoiding everyone now and just let them know your at least okay.”
She smiled widely before placing her mug on the table and clapping her hands together excitedly. “What about Dead or Alive?”
That evening was the most Adam had laughed in a long time.
Megan's plan had been to get everything figured out before people started arriving and they were pretty much done. There were a few minor things still to figure out and Megan was pushing to get them finished but Adam decided to take her advice and surround himself with his friends rather than another night locked away and hiding. He had managed to convince Megan to calm down for one night and spend it with the others, because everyone would be arriving the next day and there would be no time for them to all be alone together like this again.
Adam was snuggled into the sofa with Allison wedged against his side. Her head dropped every now and then, snapping up quickly as she tried to fight sleep. She had always been the one to crash first all throughout Idol. Even when the others around them still continued their loud conversations, she seemed able to drift off wherever and whatever her surroundings. He shifted his arm around her, rested his palm on her hair and slowly ran his fingers through it. He knew exactly what she was doing, she hadn't changed that much in all the years he had known her. She wanted to stay awake to make sure she didn't miss anything. He was still trying to convince her that they really weren't that interesting.
Allison sighed and moved slightly, getting more comfortable next to Adam. He smiled and listened to the others as they all talked around him. The main track of the conversation was how Anoop and Megan had started their relationship. The two of them seemed to be arguing about it. From what Adam could remember, they were Megan and Anoop: Close Friends, and then after one night out with too much to drink they were suddenly Megan and Anoop: Couple.
“Megan, whatever Anoop says he was crushing on you for weeks. He wouldn't shut up about you.” Matt laughed as he stuffed more potato chips into his mouth and winked at Anoop.
“You can't embarrass me about that now, Matty, we're getting married. Any secrets go out the window.”
Adam watched as Megan gripped Anoop's hand and leaned into his body. The two of them were so natural together; the most unlikely people to find love in the crazy situation they had found themselves in, and yet they had.
“Better you than me,” Matt spluttered, with a mouthful of food and Adam laughed slightly, amazed by how much food the man could intake and still remain so fat free.
“I think you, Danny, and Adam are never going to find anyone at this rate...” Lil laughed as she snatched the chips out of Matt's fingers, ignoring the disappointed look that crossed his face.
“Hey! Leave me out of those two and their weird living arrangement.” Matt laughed at his own lame excuse of a joke and jumped across to try and tackle Lil for the chips. Above the commotion, Danny's voice could be heard.
“There is nothing weird about me and Adam's living arrangement. We're friends and we live together. He’s my best friend. Who else would I want to live with, especially if my other option is you.” Danny gestured towards Matt who only smiled before continuing his attack on Lil.
Adam smiled down at Danny who was now attempting unsuccessfully to kick Matt which seemed to result in Matt trying to wrestle with Lil while trying to kick Danny back at the same time. It provided them with five minutes of amusement before Lil shouted that enough was enough and gave up the chips, demanding Danny and Matt move away from one another. The rest of them snickered as Lil went into Mom mode.
“Kris, you've been quiet this whole time... what's going on with you, man?”
Kris was sitting next to Anoop smiling down at his friends and suddenly with all the attention on him the smile faded. Adam could see that he was uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his neck, tongue flicking across his lips briefly. “Uh... not much. Just been recording.”
“You just finished your tour right?” Anoop was pressing, pushing for more. Adam hadn't realised, but this was the first time Kris had spoken all night and it wasn't like the Kris he remembered. Kris could be quiet, and sometimes shy, but around them he had been open and laughing and always talking. His presence was always felt, and now Adam felt like Kris had somehow slipped into the background.
“Yeah... about a month ago. It was crazy.”
How had Adam not noticed it until now? There was something missing from Kris, some kind of spark that was gone and maybe he hadn't wanted to look too closely before, but now that he was it was all wrong. It was like some kind of watered down version of the Kris they all knew.
“How's Katy?”
Kris's whole body tensed with the mention of her name. Anoop was just being his usual self, caring and friendly, interested in what was going on in Kris's life, but the atmosphere shifted noticeably. There was an unspoken tension and it was immediately felt.
“Katy's fine. Back in Arkansas, decorating.”
Anoop seemed oblivious to everyone else and continued to throw questions at Kris.
“She's back in Arkansas? I thought you guys were living in LA now?”
Adam had to love Anoop for this because they were things he wanted to know, small things that he was reluctant to ask but that were still so important. He watched Kris carefully, and wasn't sure if Kris was purposely avoiding Adam's gaze or if he just couldn't bring himself to meet it.
“I'm still living in L.A. But we just bought a new house in Arkansas, so … y’know. Katy wanted to be there and get everything how she... how we want it.”
Adam finally looked away. He was pretty sure Anoop couldn't feel the uncomfortable tension in the room, but it was there, hanging over them all. It struck Adam that this conversation should have been had days ago. Had no one even asked Kris about how he was and his life? He could only assume Megan was the only one who had.
“Is she coming to the wedding?”
Adam's voice surprised even him, and his head flew up looking in Kris's direction. He could feel everyone else looking at him as well, but Kris stood out eyes wide and unsure.
“Ah... yeah, she said she would.”
Adam nodded and averted his eyes again, and another silence fell across the room. He rested his head against Allison's and closed his eyes. He listened to the sounds of Anoop and Megan whispering to one another. Danny, Lil and Matt were laughing amongst themselves and Scott was snoring softly on the other end of the sofa. Allison muttered and shifted closer, her arm flinging across Adam's chest. He lifted his head away and looked down to see her face twisted in confusion as she slept. Even like this, it would seem her mind was still running actively. He brushed the red hair off her face and smiled down at her. There was still such a sweet innocence about her. He sort of wished he still had that.
Danny, Matt and Lil were quiet as they stood up to go to bed, Matt even exaggerating giant steps on his tip toes as he walked out the room, (which was only made more hilarious when he lost his balance and fell over in a pile at the bottom of the stairs, Lil and Danny stepped over him, shaking their heads). Adam laughed to himself quietly as Matt pulled himself up off the floor, took a bow and then ran up the stairs.
Anoop and Megan were leaning back on the sofa, looking down at their entwined fingers. Anoop had moved his face to rest his mouth at Megan's ear and Adam could hear a faint whisper as he spoke to her. He looked away, it was too intrusive watching them like that. Kris’s space on the sofa was empty and Adam looked across the room to find Kris standing in the doorway that led out onto the decking, staring at him. He didn't linger though, just turned away and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.
Adam was very careful not to disturb Allison as he pulled himself away. She muttered something that sounded like protests as Adam finally moved off the sofa, but he laid her down gently and she seemed to relax, curling up into herself and smiling.
The walk to the door took a long time. He made it halfway before turning around and walking back. After the seventh time of doing this, he realized he was fucking lame and the look that Anoop gave him only confirmed it. Megan's expression was softer, more understanding. Adam was trying to justify the struggle, had been trying to convince himself for the last three days that it was okay that he was finding it this hard, but he was seriously beginning to feel like he was just being a coward. He wasn't weak, he wasn't bad at making decisions, he knew what he wanted and went for it, and that applied to all areas of his life. Apart from Kris Allen, who seemed to be completely separate from it.
After countless trips across the floor and many strange looks from Anoop, Adam made it to the door, pulled it open and welcomed the cool air against his face. Kris was standing not far from the door at the top of the steps looking out across the view, taking it all in. He went and stood by his side, wanting to make his presence known, even though he thought perhaps Kris had already known Adam would follow him.
“It's so beautiful here,” Kris said, soft and quiet, simply stating the fact. “I get why Megan and Anoop chose to come here for this.”
Adam nodded hoping the gesture was seen by Kris. Of course there would be small talk. There always had to be small talk. Adam couldn't just walk out and start throwing out questions at him.
“Why is Katy in Arkansas?”
Or, apparently, he could.
Adam really had no idea what he was doing. He wished he had spent more time planning out this conversation rather than worrying about it. But that was where the problem lay, because Adam wasn't a planner. He had never been good at it. Even following plans was a hardship for him, which normally resulted in him doing the exact opposite of what he should be doing.
“Like I said, decorating.”
“Right.”
Kris sighed heavily. “She thinks it might help. If we do this together, make the house ours... that's why she was mad at me for coming here. My marriage should be more important than my friends.”
The thing was Katy had a point, even Adam could see that, and maybe it was extremely selfish of her but that didn’t make it less true. Perhaps Kris knew that as well.
“Then why did you come?” That was a stupid fucking question to ask. Stupid fucking question. He didn't want the answer ‘because of you.’ In fact, he was pretty sure if those were the words that came out of Kris's mouth he was heading back inside and out of this conversation. He turned his head to look at Kris, who seemed to be wondering the same thing.
“I felt a little suffocated. Being on tour was like breathing fresh air, and going home... well it doesn't feel like home anymore. I missed... I missed everyone and I'll admit to a slight case of running away.”
Adam nodded. That much he could understand. He was an expert at running away and hiding from his feelings. He had pretty much perfected it over the last few years. Maybe even long before then. A silence fell between them, clearly neither of them knowing what to say next. What was too much? What wasn't enough?
“So you missed everyone, huh? Even Gokey?”
Adam had a knack for making inappropriate jokes that no one but him would find funny, and he was fairly sure this wasn't the time to be making them, but it was literally the only thing that processed through his brain and fell from his lips. He waited for what felt like hours before he heard a small laugh escape Kris, gone as quickly as it came.
“I'm sorry about the other night, Adam. Trapping you like that... I just wanted to talk to you and I didn't know how else to get you to listen. If you'd even want to listen.”
“I didn't want to listen and I'm pretty sure I still don't. But whether I want to admit it or not, there are some things that need to be said and that I have to hear.”
“You want closure.” It wasn't a question, just a statement full of sadness and longing.
“It doesn't look like holding onto this did either of us any good. I haven't let it go, I have all this anger and... this isn't me Kris. I don't recognise who I am anymore. It’s like I do everything because I know what's expected from me, what everyone is asking, but its not me. Not really. And every time I stop and think about it, every time I trace it back, it all goes to the same point in my life.”
“It's my fault.”
“That's not what I said.”
“It's what you meant.”
It really wasn't what Adam meant, and he wondered if he was this annoying when he was being as self-deprecating as Kris was right now. “No. It's too late for throwing blame now. Maybe you are to blame, maybe I am, I don't know. I want to not care anymore about who’s to blame. I want to move on.”
“Well, I can't help you do that.” Kris' walked away, his footsteps loud on the decking, and Adam followed after him quickly.
“Don't you think you owe me that much, Kris?”
Kris turned around before Adam had even reached him, his voice harsher than it had been before. “You don't get it, do you? I can't help you. I've got a wife who wants us to plan a new future together. She's talking about kids and a family and I know that I'm going to have to look her in the eye and tell her that we can never have any of that. I've got people waiting to hear new songs and I can't write a damn thing because I feel nothing.”
Adam's own anger was growing but he looked at Kris and knew this had nothing to do with what had passed between them. This wasn't three years’ worth of a broken heart and regrets, it was Kris’s life coming crashing down around him, no support, so stability. He saw them all back in the lounge a few moments ago, all of them huddled together and Kris on the end of the sofa, a missing part lost and left out alone with no one to cling onto.
Kris was still glaring at him, waiting for some kind of response and Adam had nothing. If this had been them when they first met, Adam would be pulling Kris into his arms right now, telling him it would be okay, sitting him down and letting him talk out everything he was feeling. But he couldn't do that now, this wasn't the same, it wasn't sharing problems between friends. It was Kris admitting that he was failing, and Adam could see him fighting to be strong, to not let Adam be the person who saw him break.
“I shouldn't have come here. I keep fucking everything up. God, the other night I tried... I'm sorry I hit on you, I wish I could use the excuse that I was drunk, but... I wasn't thinking. It was a shitty thing to do --”
Adam held up his hands to stop Kris. “Forget about it.”
“Forget about it, story of my life.”
Kris turned away again, walking a few steps to sit in one of the chairs along the decking. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked up at Adam who hadn't moved, standing and watching Kris closely.
“What do you want from me, Adam? Why did you come out here?”
“I think I explained that already.”
“No. I mean, what do you actually want? Because you say we can't be friends, that you don't want to talk to me. You’re still saying you don't want to talk to me even though you’re standing here now. Do you even know what you want?”
“Do you?”
“No, but at least I can admit it.”
Adam moved nearer but Kris flinched away and Adam stopped, leaning carefully against the railing opposite Kris. “Do you really believe we could be friends, Kris? Honestly? After everything that happened, you think we can just go back to the way it was before...?”
“I'm not stupid enough to think that we could go back. Of course I'm not. But the truth of it, Adam, is that I feel different when I'm with you, even after everything that happened. I still feel like I can talk to you about anything. That hasn't changed. Not for me.”
It was selfish, but that's what Adam needed to hear. He'd never make a false promise to Kris that they could be friends. He never would. He didn't have that much hate in him. “Good. Then talk to me. What happened to make you like this?”
“You were there.”
Adam shook his head in disbelief. “No. This isn't me, this isn't about you leaving me. This is more than that.”
[ Kris surprised him by choking out a bitter laugh. “Why do you care?”
Adam turned his head away to look over the meadow behind him. Kris wasn't stupid, he'd see it for exactly what it was, eventually. He waited in silence, letting it sink in for Kris.
“Right... I get it. This isn't about you caring about me. You just want to move on, right? So you think talking to me is going to help you do that? I never thought you could be so selfish...”
Adam snapped his head round. “I'm selfish? Fine, I'll admit that this is a shitty thing to do, but you have no idea what this is like for me Kris. It's not easy to stand here and watch you like this. I want to be there for you, but I can't do it. I hate you for what you did to me, for making me trust you, for loving me and then taking it back like it meant nothing. I've waited for it to fade, I thought over time I'd move on and get over it, but then I'd see you at a party or some event, all over Katy, smiling and happy and I'd be back in that fucking apartment. It is impossible to move on with constant reminders and you weren't even talking to me! You were just there, still everywhere I went. So, fine! I'm being selfish right now but we're both getting what we want. I'm the only person you feel like you can talk to and I have to find some way to let go. Maybe this is exactly how to do it.”
Kris shook his head, Adam’s words surprising both of them. They confirmed, for Adam, that he really didn't have any kind of plan. This was all coming from nowhere and it hurt and it made sense and he hated himself for doing it. Kris slapped his palms against his legs and stood up.
“Well, what do you want to know Adam? I'm guessing you want the detailed story of the moment I realised I made the wrong decision for my life. When I looked at Katy and realised that I didn't love her anymore, not in the way she needed me to. How about when I leave for tour, and I can't wait to leave because I don't want to be around her because I feel guilty every single time I look into her eyes and can see that she already knows that she's lost me? Oh, and what about how both of us are still holding on after three years for absolutely nothing at all because we're both too scared to be without each other.” Kris edged closer and closer as he spoke, his eyes crazy and wild and nothing like Adam had ever seen before in him.
“I know what story you'll like...” Kris faked a smile, stopping inches from Adam. “I've cheated on Katy, when I've been on tour. I've gone out and found random guys and fucked them and she has no idea, no idea that I've lied to her. That I've cheated on her. Only, can it really be cheating if you and your wife may as well not even be together anymore because whatever connected you is gone?”
Adam clung onto the railing, his fingers starting to hurt, his fingernails digging into the wood tighter and tighter as he tried not to react.
“I had to know, you see... I had to know that it wasn't just you. I never thought about it before I met you. I never questioned who I was, what I wanted. It was Katy and no one else and then you walked into my life...” Kris's voice was bitter as poison.
“I think about that night when you kissed me. I go over it in my mind. I think about what I did that made you think that I was interested, if I acted differently with you than with anyone else, and I can't think of anything. It wasn't anything I did, was it? You just knew... probably before I did. So you just went for what you wanted.--”
“-- It wasn't fucking like that and you know it.”
“Do I? Because I always wonder what we'd be like now if you hadn't done that. If we would still be friends, if me and Katy would be okay, and I come up blank. I can't think of any outcome other than what happened because I think that you knew, you knew the truth. Katy and I would have fallen apart even if you hadn't kissed me because she was never going to be enough, she'd never be what I really wanted. She's my best friend and the one thing that I keep secret about myself I can't tell her, because it will break her heart.”
Kris took a step back, his face softening, releasing the tension that he had been holding onto as he spoke. “And I've done enough breaking hearts to last a lifetime.”
Adam relaxed his grip on the railing and stepped forward as Kris retreated. He felt like he was shaking and he tried to grasp onto thoughts that were present and now. He wouldn't go back to that night, he wouldn't admit that he had “what ifs” just like Kris did, he wouldn't admit to anything.
“So what else do you want to know, Adam? You got a list of questions there? Maybe I can just write them down for you and then we don't ever have to speak again.”
“I didn't...” Adam faltered, words failing him. He was completely and utterly bewildered by Kris’s response and the shifts in his personality -- how one moment he could be calm and just like the Kris he knew and then in another he was gone and changed into someone so lost and dark. He sounded like someone who had given up already with no more fight left in him.
“You're better than this, Kris.”
It was all Adam could think to say, but he meant it. Despite everything, he meant it.
Kris seemed as taken aback as Adam, moving nearer again and watching Adam closely, as if to see how Adam would react. Adam was scared, and he could have easily sidestepped but he felt compelled to stay, needing to know what Kris was going to do.
“Will you just answer one thing for me? If you don't want to talk to me again that's fine, we can get through this week and... will you just answer this for me?”
They were so close again, too close perhaps, but Adam didn't stop him and he didn't want to. Adam nodded and Kris licked his lips.
“Do you miss me? I mean, really? Like I miss you, every day thinking about you, driving myself crazy with who you are with what you're doing... is it like that for you?”
“Yes,” Adam breathed quietly.
Neither of them heard the car approaching up the drive towards the house, too caught up in each other to notice anything else. It wasn't until they heard a car door slamming that they broke away from each other, the moment crashing apart with the sound.
They both searched over the darkness to make out the figure moving towards them. It wasn't until the person stood at the bottom of the stairs, eyes wide and staring at the two of them that Adam realised who it was.
Katy's face was like stone, regarding them with a blank expression, neither surprised nor shocked. She didn't even look hurt - just tired and too old for her age. The front door came flying open and Anoop hurried out, Megan closely behind him.
“We heard a car... everything okay?” They both looked in Kris and Adam's direction and then seemed to realise that Katy was there too. Megan's face was clear to read, but Anoop, as oblivious as ever, took the stage.
“Katy! Hey...” Anoop stepped forward holding his arms out to welcome Katy forward and up the stairs. “Kris... what are you doing man? Get your wife's bags.” Anoop slapped him on the back and pulled Katy into the house. Kris nodded and quickly ran down the stairs leaving Adam behind, overwhelmed by inexplicable guilt.
.