Fic: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest (4/?)
Title: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: As always, PG-13.
Beta:
cpt_untouchable <3
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which if you would like to read, you can find it HERE
Notes: Gosh, sorry for the really, really long wait. Just been one of those weekends. We actually have Kris and Adam... talking :o shock I hear you say. I know I am surprised seeing as I was going to drag it out for another one :P Thank you for the amazing comments on the last chapter. And thank you Adam Lambert for losing your jacket last night and enabling me to make said icon being used right now. *guh.* also - randomly... I don't even know if you read this comments to be honest I wouldn't blame you for not... god I ramble don't I? Anyway, someone commented I believe, magpiez55 - lol, tell me if I am wrong here hun? that a chapter from Kris' POV would be quite interesting? Just would like peoples thoughts on that really. I've thought about it, but you guys are reading and well I'd like to know what you think. I'll shut up now :)
Disclaimer: This NEVER HAPPENED. I own NOTHING. But, I do own this shiny new icon.... ahh look at the pretty. *sigh*
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Four: The Brilliant Dance
Adam was out of his comfort zone and knew why. The bare ceiling he glared up at through his lack of sleep fucking knew why, and he was lying in bed tossing and turning, trying to think of anything but Kris fucking Allen and his big brown eyes looking up at him, wide and full of tears.
Every time he closed his damn eyes Kris was there in his mind. And it was impossible to block him out, because he was there a few doors down, close enough for Adam to jump out of his bed and walk to his room and yell and scream and cry and give in. He had seen it in Kris's eyes, him begging Adam for forgiveness, begging him to just say the words and have everything be okay.
The whole thing just left Adam feeling so fucking confused and pissed off. Kris walked away from him, not the other way around. Adam shouldn't be the one feeling obliged to make things easier for Kris, sitting here awake worrying if Kris was okay. Which, of course, he was. Kris wouldn't be awake thinking about Adam, hoping that he was okay. Kris would be happily sleeping, having drifted off after speaking to his wife, the perfect little pair.
He felt like screaming with the frustration of it all, but instead found himself laughing -- a little hysterically and nonsensically, because what exactly was funny about this situation at all? There was nothing, nothing funny at all, and it was all leaving him at once, nothing and everything, and he was too sleep deprived to stop it. The laughter began to shift into something else and he felt like he couldn't breathe. A dark panic was setting in and he tried to breathe in deeply but no air came. He couldn't breathe and his chest was closing in, the room was claustrophobic and too damn hot and he had to get out…
He didn't care that he only had a pair of black sweat pants on and no shoes on his feet. He ran down the stairs, just desperate for air, desperate to be anywhere other than in the house that seemed to be suffocating him. He pushed open the door with all the force he could find and felt the cool air hitting his face and body immediately. It should have comforted him, he should have felt calmer but still he couldn't breathe and he lifted his hand to his chest and held on, trying to slow down and calm his thoughts.
Just a panic attack. Calm the fuck down, Adam. He thought if he repeated it enough somehow he would hear it and his body would co-operate; but when it felt like he’d been standing outside forever in the chilled night air, his back pressed against the wood of the house, he was still no calmer than before. He let his body slide down the wall and tilted his head back, his breathing still ragged and shallow.
He wasn't a stranger to the feeling. It had happened the first time he saw Kris after he had left Adam behind. Everyone had been there, some Idol party they all had to attend, and all it had taken was one photographer requesting a picture of Adam and Kris together for him to lose it. He stood through the photo with Kris’s hands on him, pressing against his back, and held his breath the entire time. It wasn't until Kris released him that the full panic set in and he was walking as fast as he could away from the place, finding somewhere to hide. The attacks had increased over the years -- parties and interviews he spent just trying to get through, trying to keep calm, hiding it all away until no one else was around.
His breathing began to slow eventually, his chest rising and falling at a more normal speed. His head felt clearer and the wide open space he could see before him in the moonlight left him feeling less suffocated. He heard noises coming from inside the door, the sound of cupboards opening and closing, and could just make out a muffled voice.
He stood up, his composure still slightly off, his body falling forward as he stood, and it took him a moment to regain his balance. He waited just outside the door and decided there was definitely someone talking inside. It was only a few moments later that he realised it was Kris.
“I couldn't sleep.”
There was no response, so automatically Adam knew he was on the phone and that it was probably Katy on the other end, a call before they both curled up and fell asleep, their thoughts on one another, and Adam was feeling not so calm again. He breathed in deeply and considered walking away from the door, but apparently he was some kind of masochist because he found himself leaning closer instead, trying harder to hear.
“It's been fine. It's nice to see everyone.”
There was that genuine tone to Kris voice, the one that shone through whenever he really meant something. It didn't surprise Adam that he still recognized it. All of the little things he remembered about Kris were still there, still all perfectly beautiful, only hurting a little more each time he encountered them.
“Of course he’s here, Katy...”
The tone shifted so suddenly, the irritation and anger so present in his voice that it didn't take a genius to figure out who she was asking him about. A vengeful little feeling found him fleetingly and he felt guilty for even indulging it. He shouldn’t feel happy that, after all this time, Katy still felt the need to question Kris about Adam. In fact, it didn't fill him with any happiness at all, because the problem between the two of them would be resolved and they would move on, all happy smiles and love forever, and after a while Adam's name would be something mentioned merely in passing. He could suddenly see it clearly, as he stood there listening to the private conversation between Kris and his wife.
“Katy... you have already made your feelings perfectly clear about me being here. But my friends are getting married and I want to be here...”
He heard Kris sigh loudly at whatever response she gave him. There were no words for a while and Adam began to wonder if Kris had put the phone down, but then he heard his soft, firm voice again.
“This isn't my issue. It's yours. If you can't trust me...”
Adam stepped away then because it was all too much, none of it meant for him and he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to examine the memory of Kris sitting outside staring sadly down at his wedding ring or the fact that he was just a few feet away arguing with his wife over trust. Adam was under the impression that when Kris had walked away he was leaving Adam for something that was worthy. Something that had meant so much to Kris that he didn't want to see the cracks that were clearing forming. He had to believe that it was all perfect, happily-ever-afters -- because if it wasn’t, then all of this pain was for nothing.
There was a crashing from inside the house and he was back at the door in an instant. He could see Kris leaning over the kitchen table, his fingers gripping into the wood. One of the chairs lay on the floor, and Adam could only assume Kris pushed it down there.
Kris's phone lay stranded in the middle of the table. Its ringing resounded through the room and Kris stared it down as if willing it to quieten.
Adam knew he should look away but he was letting himself look at Kris now. He had clearly been lying in bed when he received the call, his hair dishevelled and jeans riding low on his hips from where he had no doubt pulled them on quickly rather than walking around the house half naked. Adam looked away quickly, eyes finding the floor preventing his gaze to wander any further.
The phone finally fell silent after countless attempts and after a few minutes of silence with no further calls, Kris let out what seemed to be a sigh of relief. Adam glanced up again as Kris lifted the chair up off the floor and sat at the table, his head resting forward in his hands.
He was beginning to wonder if Fate was trying to play some kind of fucked up joke on him. Why was it in these moments that Adam was always the one at the sideline watching on but never allowed to reach forward and touch? Why does he have to sit and suffer and watch Kris torture himself? And, okay, he knew that it was only him stopping himself from closing the distance between them. But Adam was too aware of the past, too scared and just not damn strong enough to be that person again. He couldn't be the one to rescue Kris, to walk in and tell him it was going to be okay, only to have Kris believe him and then walk away again. He barely survived it last time, so he knew better and still he just. Continues. To watch. If torture is all he can have …
He had been too focused on Kris to notice anything else, but then, suddenly Danny was by the kitchen door, stopped in his tracks at the sight of Kris. Adam was even more careful now, shifting his body so he almost certainly couldn't be seen. He turned his back against the wall, tilting his head and couldn't see either of them anymore but could still hear them. Danny muttered something about getting a glass of water and Adam was pretty much convinced that would be the length of their conversation, so he just waited for Danny to go again.
But then Kris spoke up, louder than before, more clearly and more determined. “Danny... how is he?”
Adam didn't need to see Danny to know that he was making his scrunched up, pissed off face. If he weren’t so preoccupied with processing the question Kris just asked he would probably have found it amusing.
“Are you kidding me?” Danny's voice was filled with more disbelief than anything else and it sparked a well hidden memory in Adam. The last time he had listened in to a conversation between Kris and Danny he had been exhausted and half-conscious. He remembered Danny defending and protecting him and that Kris's words had been filled with promises and love.
“I just want to know if he’s okay.”
Again, that damn genuine voice and even Danny couldn't deny the truth behind it. “He’s doing great.”
There was no sarcasm in Danny's tone. He said it like he meant it, and Adam knew Kris wouldn't be able to see through the lie. Adam only could because he knew Danny and Danny was crap at lying, looking away and trying to be nonchalant and never quite perfecting it to believable standards.
“Good.” Again that voice, which meant he fucking meant it. “I can't read him anymore. I used to be able to look at him and see, and now it’s...”
“And whose fault is that?”
“Mine.”
There was no pause as Kris answered. The word had left his mouth before Danny had even finished speaking, sad but determined.
“Does he... has he talked about me?”
Adam heard a chair creak and assumed Danny had sat down at the table with Kris. “I can't do this... I'm sorry, Kris, but if you want to know how Adam is you ask him yourself. You owe him that, at least.”
“It's better off this way... if I don't. I just wondered...”
Adam heard Danny make an angry sound, irritated. “Well, don't wonder. If you’re going to ignore him for the next two weeks then fine, but don't wonder, don't think about him, and don't you dare even think about hurting him again.”
Kris gave no response and Adam thought the harsh and threatening tone of Danny's voice was the only reason. While the thought of a threatening Danny was something Adam found completely hilarious, Kris might not so much.
“I've been waiting for you to point out how much I fucked up and how you predicted I would.”
“I think that's the problem with you and me Kris. You seem to think I'm somebody I'm not. Predicting that you’d break Adam’s heart isn’t exactly something I'm congratulating myself for. And besides, back then, I only told you what you already knew, what you didn't want to hear. I was hoping that you had enough guts to actually stick around. I guess I was wrong, but it really doesn't matter much to you anymore does it?”
“It matters to me that I hurt him. It's just... I miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss the friendship and I feel like I have no right to.”
“Because you don't.”
Kris was clearly ignoring Danny and he continued talking. “I miss small things, like … sometimes there wouldn't be anything to say -- either the words weren't there or it was just comfortable, and we'd sit there and it wasn't awkward or weird. It just felt natural, normal.”
“Kris, you're telling the wrong person.”
Adam knew Danny must be struggling, mentally working through whether or not to tell Adam any of this, weighing up the pros and cons of whether knowing any of this would help Adam at all. But Adam knew Danny and the one thing he knew more than anything else was that Danny was honest. He was just incapable of hiding things from friends. So even if he clung onto it for a few days, eventually it would all come out in a guilt-filled confession.
Adam heard a chair creak and footsteps, and figured it was Kris getting the message, realising there was nothing left for Danny to say, nothing he wanted to. Adam figured he may as well save Danny a confession and, without even looking or thinking, he opened the door quietly and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him and turning to look at what he expected to be a shocked Danny.
It was certainly a shocked expression, only it wasn’t Danny's. It was Kris’s. Adam could practically see Kris's brain frantically trying to figure out exactly what Adam heard and what the hell he was even doing out there in the first place, while Adam couldn't even seem to think anything past shit.
He could easily have acted out the scene they had perfected so well over the years. He could have walked out of the room, up the stairs, and climbed back into bed and pretended this moment never even existed. But it was easier said than done because he didn't want to move, even though he knew he should and Kris was still looking at him expectantly, waiting for something to happen. The whole thing felt almost dreamlike. Adam was insanely tired and it was so fucking late and he felt like Kris was about to disappear the way he always did in Adam's dreams. No explanation and no goodbyes. Just gone.
But it wasn’t a dream and Kris was there and it was all so real and Adam couldn't escape by waking up. He walked forward, not thinking, just instinctively moving and sat in the chair that Danny had taken, opposite Kris, who was still so closely watching Adam. Adam couldn't help but look away because it was seriously too damn much and the way Kris looked at him, the same as he always used to, made something come alive on Adam's skin. He was starting to feel more alert as each moment passed and he was pretty sure he was breathing heavily and he wanted to calm himself but the situation didn't seem willing to co-operate.
The sound of Kris's phone resounding through the room pulled Kris from his staring. His hands hovered over the phone and Adam could see his hesitation. He wondered what Kris would do, if he'd dare answer the call and talk to Katy while the two of them were sitting there face to face. Kris glanced down at the name flashing on the screen then looked up to Adam's face. His present was calling from miles away, comfortable and easy, and his awkward and complicated past was sitting opposite.
The small action of Kris pressing the red button on his phone shouldn't have sparked a flash of hope in Adam and it shouldn't have made him want to grip onto that hand and trace his fingers along the soft skin of Kris’s arm. But he wanted just that, and he was cursing and hating himself because he should have been so much stronger than that and he was beginning to wonder who exactly he thought he was kidding.
He was terrified Kris could see through the mask, that he could see how much Adam still wanted him, still loved him despite everything; and it really was the worst feeling because he didn't know how to go from there. He tried to think of something to say, something relevant, but there were no words on his lips, just thoughts of Kris, Kris, Kris.
It was silent, almost like the times that Kris had told Danny about, the moments he and Kris had shared, quiet and calm, just the two of them. But back then there was no tension and now it threatened to burst through them both if they even said a word. They sat there for what seemed like forever, Adam had no idea how long, but he still refused to look at Kris, he averted his eyes away, he would not lock his eyes with Kris.
Kris breathed in deeply and his fingernails tapped against the table. Adam recognised all the signs of a nervous, unsure Kris Allen and he had once known exactly how to soothe him, what words to say, where to touch him to calm him. But Adam didn't know if any of those things would work now and he knew he shouldn't be hoping they still would.
“How long... I mean... did you hear what me and Danny...”
“Yes.” Adam didn't let Kris finish because his words were all a mess and he was struggling to form a sentence so he confirmed what Kris wanted to know, what he was afraid to know, and that was that Adam heard everything.
“Why were you out there?”
Adam looked at him and shit, he wished he hadn't, because there was damn concern in Kris’s eyes and he had to stop himself from just blurting out the truth. “I couldn't sleep.” It wasn’t a lie, he couldn’t, but he wouldn’t admit the reason and he hoped Kris wouldn't ask.
Kris just nodded in understanding. He got it. His eyes said that much. Their eyes were locked again, brown on blue, an understanding of how they were both feeling and it shouldn't have been so easy to slip back into being that way. Adam wanted to fight it, he didn't want to just take one look at Kris and find himself back where he was three years ago, so why was everything pulling him towards being that way?
Kris looked away first, his fingers picking at a splinter of wood in the table. “Is what Danny said true? Are you okay...?”
Adam opened his mouth to respond, with brutal honesty, no, I'm not fucking okay you idiot, you left me broken and behind feeling like I was nothing and I miss you and I still fucking love you, but you don't give a shit. But, of course, he didn't. There was no way he would admit that, not in a million fucking years. Kris still hadn’t looked at him, waiting for his response and Adam gave him what he wanted to hear.
“I'm fine.”
He tried to make himself sound as genuine as possible and even put a small smile on his face just as Kris looked up. Kris returned it, but he wasn’t as good at playing his role as Adam was and it didn't reach his eyes or linger for very long.
“Liar.”
“I thought you said you couldn't read me any more.”
“It's coming back to me.”
The words left them both so quickly that Adam felt he had let himself down again. His own honesty was betraying him.
“I meant what I said, Adam.”
Kris had said a lot of things to him, and while he knew that Kris was referring to his conversation with Gokey, Adam still couldn't help but think about every promise Kris had made him, and every promise he’d broken.
“I do miss you.”
Kris looked at him again, and it was all true, he did miss him - there was that damn genuine tone in his voice and it was fucking undeniable. Adam abruptly wanted to leave the room and avoid the whole thing because he was nowhere near ready to hear this. He didn't feel strong enough to not turn around and say he missed Kris too.
“I know it's not enough Adam. God, I know it’s not and there's so much that I want to say to you and I...” Kris was struggling, his hands balled into fists, and Adam felt like at any second he might slam them down on the table out of sheer frustration with himself. “Adam... I miss you.”
It had just as much sincerity as the first time and Adam knew Kris was waiting for him to acknowledge the words, to say something back. But Adam couldn't. He couldn't admit to missing Kris because he refused to let him know the truth: that every single fucking day he had missed Kris, he had thought about Kris, he had wondered if Kris missed him. And now he was here, sitting in front of him admitting as much and Adam couldn't stand it. He just wanted to ask Kris what it meant. Why did he miss him? What fucking right did he have to miss Adam when it was his choice for things to be the way they were?
“Are you not going to say anything?”
“I don't know what you want me to say, Kris.”
Adam kept his voice under control, didn't let his anger and confusion show. He wanted to hear what Kris had to say, he wanted Kris to explain all this to him, because Adam didn’t owe Kris anything at all.
“I want you to say that you've missed me too. That... maybe... we can be friends again...”
In an instant, Adam was out of his chair and across the room. He was wrong, he didn't want the truth from Kris. He didn't want to hear words like “I want us to be friends”. He didn’t want to see just how much Kris didn't fucking get it.
“That's never going to happen, Kris,” Adam said harshly, and almost felt bad when he saw Kris’s entire body drop down with disappointment, sadness in his eyes.
“Some people can't be friends. You and me can't be friends.”
The words seemed to hit Kris harder than before, but Adam didn't stick around to see how much further Kris might fall apart. Kris might have a talent for hurting Adam, but Adam couldn’t watch on as Kris suffered.
He strode up the stairs to the safety of his room, closed the door and leaned hard against it. Even though he had said it himself, it was almost as if he was realising it for the first time. He had lost Kris in every sense: the connection, the laughter, the love and the friendship. It was gone. He had known it for years, it had been true for a long time, but now that the words had been spoken to Kris, it was if they were sealed and could never be changed.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: As always, PG-13.
Beta:
cpt_untouchable <3
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which if you would like to read, you can find it HERE
Notes: Gosh, sorry for the really, really long wait. Just been one of those weekends. We actually have Kris and Adam... talking :o shock I hear you say. I know I am surprised seeing as I was going to drag it out for another one :P Thank you for the amazing comments on the last chapter. And thank you Adam Lambert for losing your jacket last night and enabling me to make said icon being used right now. *guh.* also - randomly... I don't even know if you read this comments to be honest I wouldn't blame you for not... god I ramble don't I? Anyway, someone commented I believe, magpiez55 - lol, tell me if I am wrong here hun? that a chapter from Kris' POV would be quite interesting? Just would like peoples thoughts on that really. I've thought about it, but you guys are reading and well I'd like to know what you think. I'll shut up now :)
Disclaimer: This NEVER HAPPENED. I own NOTHING. But, I do own this shiny new icon.... ahh look at the pretty. *sigh*
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Four: The Brilliant Dance
Adam was out of his comfort zone and knew why. The bare ceiling he glared up at through his lack of sleep fucking knew why, and he was lying in bed tossing and turning, trying to think of anything but Kris fucking Allen and his big brown eyes looking up at him, wide and full of tears.
Every time he closed his damn eyes Kris was there in his mind. And it was impossible to block him out, because he was there a few doors down, close enough for Adam to jump out of his bed and walk to his room and yell and scream and cry and give in. He had seen it in Kris's eyes, him begging Adam for forgiveness, begging him to just say the words and have everything be okay.
The whole thing just left Adam feeling so fucking confused and pissed off. Kris walked away from him, not the other way around. Adam shouldn't be the one feeling obliged to make things easier for Kris, sitting here awake worrying if Kris was okay. Which, of course, he was. Kris wouldn't be awake thinking about Adam, hoping that he was okay. Kris would be happily sleeping, having drifted off after speaking to his wife, the perfect little pair.
He felt like screaming with the frustration of it all, but instead found himself laughing -- a little hysterically and nonsensically, because what exactly was funny about this situation at all? There was nothing, nothing funny at all, and it was all leaving him at once, nothing and everything, and he was too sleep deprived to stop it. The laughter began to shift into something else and he felt like he couldn't breathe. A dark panic was setting in and he tried to breathe in deeply but no air came. He couldn't breathe and his chest was closing in, the room was claustrophobic and too damn hot and he had to get out…
He didn't care that he only had a pair of black sweat pants on and no shoes on his feet. He ran down the stairs, just desperate for air, desperate to be anywhere other than in the house that seemed to be suffocating him. He pushed open the door with all the force he could find and felt the cool air hitting his face and body immediately. It should have comforted him, he should have felt calmer but still he couldn't breathe and he lifted his hand to his chest and held on, trying to slow down and calm his thoughts.
Just a panic attack. Calm the fuck down, Adam. He thought if he repeated it enough somehow he would hear it and his body would co-operate; but when it felt like he’d been standing outside forever in the chilled night air, his back pressed against the wood of the house, he was still no calmer than before. He let his body slide down the wall and tilted his head back, his breathing still ragged and shallow.
He wasn't a stranger to the feeling. It had happened the first time he saw Kris after he had left Adam behind. Everyone had been there, some Idol party they all had to attend, and all it had taken was one photographer requesting a picture of Adam and Kris together for him to lose it. He stood through the photo with Kris’s hands on him, pressing against his back, and held his breath the entire time. It wasn't until Kris released him that the full panic set in and he was walking as fast as he could away from the place, finding somewhere to hide. The attacks had increased over the years -- parties and interviews he spent just trying to get through, trying to keep calm, hiding it all away until no one else was around.
His breathing began to slow eventually, his chest rising and falling at a more normal speed. His head felt clearer and the wide open space he could see before him in the moonlight left him feeling less suffocated. He heard noises coming from inside the door, the sound of cupboards opening and closing, and could just make out a muffled voice.
He stood up, his composure still slightly off, his body falling forward as he stood, and it took him a moment to regain his balance. He waited just outside the door and decided there was definitely someone talking inside. It was only a few moments later that he realised it was Kris.
“I couldn't sleep.”
There was no response, so automatically Adam knew he was on the phone and that it was probably Katy on the other end, a call before they both curled up and fell asleep, their thoughts on one another, and Adam was feeling not so calm again. He breathed in deeply and considered walking away from the door, but apparently he was some kind of masochist because he found himself leaning closer instead, trying harder to hear.
“It's been fine. It's nice to see everyone.”
There was that genuine tone to Kris voice, the one that shone through whenever he really meant something. It didn't surprise Adam that he still recognized it. All of the little things he remembered about Kris were still there, still all perfectly beautiful, only hurting a little more each time he encountered them.
“Of course he’s here, Katy...”
The tone shifted so suddenly, the irritation and anger so present in his voice that it didn't take a genius to figure out who she was asking him about. A vengeful little feeling found him fleetingly and he felt guilty for even indulging it. He shouldn’t feel happy that, after all this time, Katy still felt the need to question Kris about Adam. In fact, it didn't fill him with any happiness at all, because the problem between the two of them would be resolved and they would move on, all happy smiles and love forever, and after a while Adam's name would be something mentioned merely in passing. He could suddenly see it clearly, as he stood there listening to the private conversation between Kris and his wife.
“Katy... you have already made your feelings perfectly clear about me being here. But my friends are getting married and I want to be here...”
He heard Kris sigh loudly at whatever response she gave him. There were no words for a while and Adam began to wonder if Kris had put the phone down, but then he heard his soft, firm voice again.
“This isn't my issue. It's yours. If you can't trust me...”
Adam stepped away then because it was all too much, none of it meant for him and he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to examine the memory of Kris sitting outside staring sadly down at his wedding ring or the fact that he was just a few feet away arguing with his wife over trust. Adam was under the impression that when Kris had walked away he was leaving Adam for something that was worthy. Something that had meant so much to Kris that he didn't want to see the cracks that were clearing forming. He had to believe that it was all perfect, happily-ever-afters -- because if it wasn’t, then all of this pain was for nothing.
There was a crashing from inside the house and he was back at the door in an instant. He could see Kris leaning over the kitchen table, his fingers gripping into the wood. One of the chairs lay on the floor, and Adam could only assume Kris pushed it down there.
Kris's phone lay stranded in the middle of the table. Its ringing resounded through the room and Kris stared it down as if willing it to quieten.
Adam knew he should look away but he was letting himself look at Kris now. He had clearly been lying in bed when he received the call, his hair dishevelled and jeans riding low on his hips from where he had no doubt pulled them on quickly rather than walking around the house half naked. Adam looked away quickly, eyes finding the floor preventing his gaze to wander any further.
The phone finally fell silent after countless attempts and after a few minutes of silence with no further calls, Kris let out what seemed to be a sigh of relief. Adam glanced up again as Kris lifted the chair up off the floor and sat at the table, his head resting forward in his hands.
He was beginning to wonder if Fate was trying to play some kind of fucked up joke on him. Why was it in these moments that Adam was always the one at the sideline watching on but never allowed to reach forward and touch? Why does he have to sit and suffer and watch Kris torture himself? And, okay, he knew that it was only him stopping himself from closing the distance between them. But Adam was too aware of the past, too scared and just not damn strong enough to be that person again. He couldn't be the one to rescue Kris, to walk in and tell him it was going to be okay, only to have Kris believe him and then walk away again. He barely survived it last time, so he knew better and still he just. Continues. To watch. If torture is all he can have …
He had been too focused on Kris to notice anything else, but then, suddenly Danny was by the kitchen door, stopped in his tracks at the sight of Kris. Adam was even more careful now, shifting his body so he almost certainly couldn't be seen. He turned his back against the wall, tilting his head and couldn't see either of them anymore but could still hear them. Danny muttered something about getting a glass of water and Adam was pretty much convinced that would be the length of their conversation, so he just waited for Danny to go again.
But then Kris spoke up, louder than before, more clearly and more determined. “Danny... how is he?”
Adam didn't need to see Danny to know that he was making his scrunched up, pissed off face. If he weren’t so preoccupied with processing the question Kris just asked he would probably have found it amusing.
“Are you kidding me?” Danny's voice was filled with more disbelief than anything else and it sparked a well hidden memory in Adam. The last time he had listened in to a conversation between Kris and Danny he had been exhausted and half-conscious. He remembered Danny defending and protecting him and that Kris's words had been filled with promises and love.
“I just want to know if he’s okay.”
Again, that damn genuine voice and even Danny couldn't deny the truth behind it. “He’s doing great.”
There was no sarcasm in Danny's tone. He said it like he meant it, and Adam knew Kris wouldn't be able to see through the lie. Adam only could because he knew Danny and Danny was crap at lying, looking away and trying to be nonchalant and never quite perfecting it to believable standards.
“Good.” Again that voice, which meant he fucking meant it. “I can't read him anymore. I used to be able to look at him and see, and now it’s...”
“And whose fault is that?”
“Mine.”
There was no pause as Kris answered. The word had left his mouth before Danny had even finished speaking, sad but determined.
“Does he... has he talked about me?”
Adam heard a chair creak and assumed Danny had sat down at the table with Kris. “I can't do this... I'm sorry, Kris, but if you want to know how Adam is you ask him yourself. You owe him that, at least.”
“It's better off this way... if I don't. I just wondered...”
Adam heard Danny make an angry sound, irritated. “Well, don't wonder. If you’re going to ignore him for the next two weeks then fine, but don't wonder, don't think about him, and don't you dare even think about hurting him again.”
Kris gave no response and Adam thought the harsh and threatening tone of Danny's voice was the only reason. While the thought of a threatening Danny was something Adam found completely hilarious, Kris might not so much.
“I've been waiting for you to point out how much I fucked up and how you predicted I would.”
“I think that's the problem with you and me Kris. You seem to think I'm somebody I'm not. Predicting that you’d break Adam’s heart isn’t exactly something I'm congratulating myself for. And besides, back then, I only told you what you already knew, what you didn't want to hear. I was hoping that you had enough guts to actually stick around. I guess I was wrong, but it really doesn't matter much to you anymore does it?”
“It matters to me that I hurt him. It's just... I miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss the friendship and I feel like I have no right to.”
“Because you don't.”
Kris was clearly ignoring Danny and he continued talking. “I miss small things, like … sometimes there wouldn't be anything to say -- either the words weren't there or it was just comfortable, and we'd sit there and it wasn't awkward or weird. It just felt natural, normal.”
“Kris, you're telling the wrong person.”
Adam knew Danny must be struggling, mentally working through whether or not to tell Adam any of this, weighing up the pros and cons of whether knowing any of this would help Adam at all. But Adam knew Danny and the one thing he knew more than anything else was that Danny was honest. He was just incapable of hiding things from friends. So even if he clung onto it for a few days, eventually it would all come out in a guilt-filled confession.
Adam heard a chair creak and footsteps, and figured it was Kris getting the message, realising there was nothing left for Danny to say, nothing he wanted to. Adam figured he may as well save Danny a confession and, without even looking or thinking, he opened the door quietly and stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him and turning to look at what he expected to be a shocked Danny.
It was certainly a shocked expression, only it wasn’t Danny's. It was Kris’s. Adam could practically see Kris's brain frantically trying to figure out exactly what Adam heard and what the hell he was even doing out there in the first place, while Adam couldn't even seem to think anything past shit.
He could easily have acted out the scene they had perfected so well over the years. He could have walked out of the room, up the stairs, and climbed back into bed and pretended this moment never even existed. But it was easier said than done because he didn't want to move, even though he knew he should and Kris was still looking at him expectantly, waiting for something to happen. The whole thing felt almost dreamlike. Adam was insanely tired and it was so fucking late and he felt like Kris was about to disappear the way he always did in Adam's dreams. No explanation and no goodbyes. Just gone.
But it wasn’t a dream and Kris was there and it was all so real and Adam couldn't escape by waking up. He walked forward, not thinking, just instinctively moving and sat in the chair that Danny had taken, opposite Kris, who was still so closely watching Adam. Adam couldn't help but look away because it was seriously too damn much and the way Kris looked at him, the same as he always used to, made something come alive on Adam's skin. He was starting to feel more alert as each moment passed and he was pretty sure he was breathing heavily and he wanted to calm himself but the situation didn't seem willing to co-operate.
The sound of Kris's phone resounding through the room pulled Kris from his staring. His hands hovered over the phone and Adam could see his hesitation. He wondered what Kris would do, if he'd dare answer the call and talk to Katy while the two of them were sitting there face to face. Kris glanced down at the name flashing on the screen then looked up to Adam's face. His present was calling from miles away, comfortable and easy, and his awkward and complicated past was sitting opposite.
The small action of Kris pressing the red button on his phone shouldn't have sparked a flash of hope in Adam and it shouldn't have made him want to grip onto that hand and trace his fingers along the soft skin of Kris’s arm. But he wanted just that, and he was cursing and hating himself because he should have been so much stronger than that and he was beginning to wonder who exactly he thought he was kidding.
He was terrified Kris could see through the mask, that he could see how much Adam still wanted him, still loved him despite everything; and it really was the worst feeling because he didn't know how to go from there. He tried to think of something to say, something relevant, but there were no words on his lips, just thoughts of Kris, Kris, Kris.
It was silent, almost like the times that Kris had told Danny about, the moments he and Kris had shared, quiet and calm, just the two of them. But back then there was no tension and now it threatened to burst through them both if they even said a word. They sat there for what seemed like forever, Adam had no idea how long, but he still refused to look at Kris, he averted his eyes away, he would not lock his eyes with Kris.
Kris breathed in deeply and his fingernails tapped against the table. Adam recognised all the signs of a nervous, unsure Kris Allen and he had once known exactly how to soothe him, what words to say, where to touch him to calm him. But Adam didn't know if any of those things would work now and he knew he shouldn't be hoping they still would.
“How long... I mean... did you hear what me and Danny...”
“Yes.” Adam didn't let Kris finish because his words were all a mess and he was struggling to form a sentence so he confirmed what Kris wanted to know, what he was afraid to know, and that was that Adam heard everything.
“Why were you out there?”
Adam looked at him and shit, he wished he hadn't, because there was damn concern in Kris’s eyes and he had to stop himself from just blurting out the truth. “I couldn't sleep.” It wasn’t a lie, he couldn’t, but he wouldn’t admit the reason and he hoped Kris wouldn't ask.
Kris just nodded in understanding. He got it. His eyes said that much. Their eyes were locked again, brown on blue, an understanding of how they were both feeling and it shouldn't have been so easy to slip back into being that way. Adam wanted to fight it, he didn't want to just take one look at Kris and find himself back where he was three years ago, so why was everything pulling him towards being that way?
Kris looked away first, his fingers picking at a splinter of wood in the table. “Is what Danny said true? Are you okay...?”
Adam opened his mouth to respond, with brutal honesty, no, I'm not fucking okay you idiot, you left me broken and behind feeling like I was nothing and I miss you and I still fucking love you, but you don't give a shit. But, of course, he didn't. There was no way he would admit that, not in a million fucking years. Kris still hadn’t looked at him, waiting for his response and Adam gave him what he wanted to hear.
“I'm fine.”
He tried to make himself sound as genuine as possible and even put a small smile on his face just as Kris looked up. Kris returned it, but he wasn’t as good at playing his role as Adam was and it didn't reach his eyes or linger for very long.
“Liar.”
“I thought you said you couldn't read me any more.”
“It's coming back to me.”
The words left them both so quickly that Adam felt he had let himself down again. His own honesty was betraying him.
“I meant what I said, Adam.”
Kris had said a lot of things to him, and while he knew that Kris was referring to his conversation with Gokey, Adam still couldn't help but think about every promise Kris had made him, and every promise he’d broken.
“I do miss you.”
Kris looked at him again, and it was all true, he did miss him - there was that damn genuine tone in his voice and it was fucking undeniable. Adam abruptly wanted to leave the room and avoid the whole thing because he was nowhere near ready to hear this. He didn't feel strong enough to not turn around and say he missed Kris too.
“I know it's not enough Adam. God, I know it’s not and there's so much that I want to say to you and I...” Kris was struggling, his hands balled into fists, and Adam felt like at any second he might slam them down on the table out of sheer frustration with himself. “Adam... I miss you.”
It had just as much sincerity as the first time and Adam knew Kris was waiting for him to acknowledge the words, to say something back. But Adam couldn't. He couldn't admit to missing Kris because he refused to let him know the truth: that every single fucking day he had missed Kris, he had thought about Kris, he had wondered if Kris missed him. And now he was here, sitting in front of him admitting as much and Adam couldn't stand it. He just wanted to ask Kris what it meant. Why did he miss him? What fucking right did he have to miss Adam when it was his choice for things to be the way they were?
“Are you not going to say anything?”
“I don't know what you want me to say, Kris.”
Adam kept his voice under control, didn't let his anger and confusion show. He wanted to hear what Kris had to say, he wanted Kris to explain all this to him, because Adam didn’t owe Kris anything at all.
“I want you to say that you've missed me too. That... maybe... we can be friends again...”
In an instant, Adam was out of his chair and across the room. He was wrong, he didn't want the truth from Kris. He didn't want to hear words like “I want us to be friends”. He didn’t want to see just how much Kris didn't fucking get it.
“That's never going to happen, Kris,” Adam said harshly, and almost felt bad when he saw Kris’s entire body drop down with disappointment, sadness in his eyes.
“Some people can't be friends. You and me can't be friends.”
The words seemed to hit Kris harder than before, but Adam didn't stick around to see how much further Kris might fall apart. Kris might have a talent for hurting Adam, but Adam couldn’t watch on as Kris suffered.
He strode up the stairs to the safety of his room, closed the door and leaned hard against it. Even though he had said it himself, it was almost as if he was realising it for the first time. He had lost Kris in every sense: the connection, the laughter, the love and the friendship. It was gone. He had known it for years, it had been true for a long time, but now that the words had been spoken to Kris, it was if they were sealed and could never be changed.
.