Dying Inside Part IV
Title: Dying Inside
Author: Legolas
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: its nothing....
Warning: I forgot about the warning thing in my Part I post until someone reminded me....in the earlier part, a certain suicide action was involved.
Disclaimer: 100% fiction, all characters are fake and in no way related to any real life person...it's all in my head!
[sorry for leaving this hanging for quite a while....I stopped cause I was travelling a bit for my job. And please please excuse my extreme grammatical errors as English is not my first language, not in my country! thanks for reading....I appreciate it, including the comments which point out my grammar mistakes....i'm learning]
Summary: Adam’s right hand was squeezed so hard, he thought his bones would crush.....
Part I: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/217667.html#cutid1
Part II: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/226933.html
Part III: community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/266022.html
Adam can’t feel his legs. He struggled to open his eyes and when he did, he found himself in a position which he can’t remember how he ended up in. He was seated on the chair next to Kris’s bed, with his hands held on loosely to Kris’s right hand and his head resting on the side of the bed. He lifted his head up and felt the soreness on his left cheek. He could feel the marks the bedsheet creases left on his cheek. Adam looked at the clock across the room, it was 6 in the morning. That explained the total numbness of his legs and the backache, which was coming into full effect now.
The gray light of the dawn was beginning to seep through the windows. Adam could not take his eyes of Kris’s face. Adam would give anything in this world just to have this man all to himself. He wishes with all his heart that nothing would stand in their way of having a relationship. His heart sank, bringing his thought back to present and realistically reminded himself, the possibility of that happening is close to none. It would never be that simple, even with Katy walking away from this.
Suddenly, Adam’s right hand was squeezed so hard, he thought his bones would crush. He jumped out of the chair when Kris’s eyes went wide open. Kris was struggling with his breathing, gasping for air as if he was being choked. He pulled his hand away from the grip he had on Adam’s hand and started to push Adam away. He hit and swings his hands in the air, as if he was trying to push away the choking hands in his imagination.
Adam struggled to get hold of Kris’s hands and when he finally managed to, he held on his wrists tightly. Adam was shocked by Kris’s strength when he tried to put up a fight and try to pull his hands away. Adam tightened his grip, bent over towards Kris’s face until half of his body was up on the bed. "Kris...Kris.... calm down. It’s Adam..m..m..... It’s okay, it’s okay! Calm down baby...I need you to breathe. Just breathe. You are okay. You are safe now. It’s okay." Adam was trying his best to calm Kris albeit his own panic-stricken mind. Kris had obviously hit consciousness and went into a shock. Adam started yelling for the nurses, as he was unable to press the emergency button.
When the nurses and doctor came rushing in the room, Kris has stopped struggling. He was still struggling to breathe, his eyes no longer open but Adam knew he was conscious. Adam was still holding on to one of Kris’s hands, tightly pressed against his chest while stroking his hair with the other free hand. Adam didn’t want to let go but he was asked to step aside by the nurses. Stepping aside Adam refused to take his sight off Kris, his heart was palpitating. "I would need you to step out of the room sir," said one of the nurses. Adam knew she was talking to him but he did not budge. "Sir! Please," said the nurse sternly. Adam had no choice but to step out of the room.
Pacing. Hands shaking. Pacing.
Since leaving the room, Adam’s adrenaline had been pumping through his body. Scared, shocked and excited all at once. He had no desire to call any other people to explain what just happened. So, he decided to just call Allison and had asked her to inform the others as well as Kris’s family.
Still pacing. Waiting. Pacing.
The doctor emerged from the room and Adam, breathing hard and looking intently at the doctor, Adam asked calmly, "Is he all right, doctor?"
"Yes. There is nothing to worry about. That was a common reaction for patients who had been in coma for days. When they wake up, their body system goes into shock because of the sudden need of adapting to the surroundings. Regaining consciousness is not instant, sometimes they wake up for a few minutes and go back to being unconscious. Fortunately, Mr. Allen had managed to stay awake. I have checked, he is aware of who he is and where he is, which is a good sign. But we’ll be keeping him on the oxygen tank due to his weak respiratory system. It’s all good. You can go in and see your friend now," explained the doctor, as he flashed a smile to Adam and walked away.
Adam felt his heart beat finally slowing down to normal pace and breathed a sign of relief.
Standing in front of the room door, Adam found himself static. A normal reaction would have him bursting through the room, running to his friend and hug him. Now, Adam could not even find the courage to turn the doorknob. Kris is conscious. It will be the first alone time together, since the finale night where they ended up sleeping in Kris’s hotel suite after the post-show party. That night, they did not talk but simply embrace each other until they fell asleep on the same bed.
Just when he was about to place his hand on the doorknob, he heard multiple footsteps trotting the hallway towards his direction. Adam turned to his right and saw that Allison and Matt walking towards him, beaming. Following closely behind were Kris’s parents and his brother Daniel. Everyone smiled at Adam while walking past him and through the room door, with Allison tugging at his shirt and Daniel giving a soft pat on his shoulders. Then, Adam found himself still standing on that same spot, alone in the hallway.
...................................................................
Kris could feel the throbbing in his head. It took a whole lot of effort when he tried to swallow. He felt like there is a large lump in his throat. The oxygen tube on his nostrils is helping him to breathe but his chest felt heavy as he takes in short shallow breaths. Amidst all that physical discomfort, he is well aware of his surroundings. He is, of course, in a hospital. Although he has no idea how and when he got admitted, he has a vague idea of how he had gotten himself in this mess. He remembered that night. He remembered the alcohol. He remembered the drugs........... multiple drugs that he swallowed senselessly. He was amazed that he is still alive. He would have bet on his own death that night because he was alone. No one would have known. And then, he remembered Katy……….and Adam. Oh Adam. "Why must you be the first person I see when I woke up?" Kris asking himself, suddenly feeling a pain in his heart.
Lying there in the room, Kris’s eyes were fixed on the doorknob across the room. Kris’s heart started beating faster every passing second. He was not sure whether he wanted to see the person who is going to push open the door and enter the room. Adam, where are you? Kris thought to himself, ‘I want to see your face but…….I don’t know how I would feel or what to say."
After what seems like a few minutes of wondering and hoping, the door did not open. Adam did not return to the room. Kris felt disappointed and relief all at once. He didn’t know what he wanted and everything seems like a confused mess now. "But damn you Adam, why didn’t you come back in to the room?" Kris felt anger gushing through his veins and again, he didn’t understand why he felt like that.
The doorknob turned.
Kris felt lifted with excitement for one second and then, his world came tumbling down as the few people walking in to the room and embracing him with tight hugs are not the one person he was hoping for. Relief is the only emotion he felt when his parents, brother, Allison and Matt all hugged him, planting kisses on his pale cold face and smiling gently at him. All he could do is return a faint smile to them. He couldn’t muster any more energy than just that. He felt bad because these people are his family and friends. They cared for him too. Heck, they might even care more than a certain someone.
***
Adam pushed open his room door, walked in and slumped down on the floor at the edge of his bed. He sat upright and ringed his arms tightly around his knees. He felt nothing but emptiness. "How coward can you get, Adam Lambert?" he thought to himself. He hated himself so much for not having the balls to face Kris when he was awake, after spending all those nights alone with him when he was unconscious.
Adam sat there for the longest of time. The sun has risen fully as the sunbeam cuts through the little slit of the window curtains. However, his room remained dim. Adam’s shudder couldn’t be contributed by the summer weather and he felt downright weepy as he stared at the tickling clock. Then, he heard footsteps and his room door swung open.
"Hey you," greeted a cheerful Allison. Adam can clearly tell that she was trying to control and subdue her cheerful emotions so as not to annoy him. He really appreciated Allison’s understanding of the entire situation. She is way matured than her actual age and Adam is happy he found this strong bond between himself and Allison.
"Hey," Adam mustered a faint smile. "Where are your manners little sis? I don’t remember hearing a knock on my door," he jokingly told off Allison. Adam surprised himself with his ability to lighten the mood at this very moment.
"I left my manners at home because I have far more important things to think about. Adam, why did you leave the hospital? I was looking for you. When I was in the room, Kris looked so miserable....I thought I could cheer him up by telling him that I will go get you in from outside the hallway. I hated myself the minute I went back to the room, without you in tow. He looked like a million times more miserable than before. Adam, I understand how you have been feeling lately but you were there when he woke up. Why didn’t you stay? Running away is not going to make the situation any easier than it is now. Oh God, I am rambling. Stop me, Adam. Say something?"
"I know," muttered Adam.
"Know what?"
"I know what you mean, Allison. I know I acted like a coward. I know I should have stayed. I know everything except......except I don’t know how to handle myself in this situation. It had got to a point where things are just so complicated, I don’t know how to uncomplicate things. Allison, this Adam Lambert you are looking at now is so screwed, he doesn’t even know how to move on," blurted Adam. There were no anger in his voice, just confusion and disappointment.
Allison walked towards the bed and sat next to Adam on the floor. She coiled an arm around his shoulders, turned her head low to meet his eyes and said, "I’ll be here. We’ll be here. I have absolute confidence in you, Adam Lambert. You are my big brother who always...always makes things right no matter what."
"Allison, I’m glad you are here," Adam said, giving her an assuring smile that says he is all right.