Stargate Atlantis: Some nonsense for sg_lab: 'The Morning After (PG-13)
This unbeta'd bit of complete nonsense is a joke for sg_lab who was giggling with me about the strange fanon habit of Ronon/Weir fics referring to a certain item of clothing. She was just posting here with me about the rather amusing differences in definitions of certain items of apparel and how much of a difference it makes.
I'm just being totally stupid here, no offence intended :) I doubt anyone else will be amused apart from me - and maybe sg_lab.
The Morning After (set after Irresistible) (PG-13)
"That son of a bitch," Sheppard muttered, holding his head in his hands. The commissary was filled with people whose expressions and physical positions expressed a similar sentiment. There was a low murmuring of voices ranging from accusatory, conciliatory to embarrassed and infuriated.
"Colonel, permission to return to Lucius Lavin's homeworld and kill him slowly. And horribly," Teyla asked earnestly.
"Teyla - can we talk?" a tentative voice said quietly. Two of the three people at the table looked up at Rodney McKay who stood on the spot looking painfully embarrassed and very ill at-ease.
"I thought that all that pheromone stuff was supposed to have been destroyed!" Sheppard demanded.
Rodney looked miserable. "I thought it was, too."
"The ultimate revenge," Teyla muttered, averting her gaze from Rodney's.
"How did he do it?" Sheppard asked.
"Prior to his departure, he got away from his guards and poured everything into the blue jello mix," Rodney muttered, looking uncharacteristically subdued.
"Crap," Sheppard said with feeling. "I had a double helping."
"Who ..?" Rodney began.
"Don't ask," Sheppard snapped.
"Teyla, I really think ..." Rodney mumbled.
"Very well," Teyla said reluctantly and the two of them rose from the table and left the room.
"Wow. Teyla and Rodney," Sheppard shook his head in disbelief. "Ronon? Look - are you even listenin' to me?" he demanded irritably. The tall Satedan was smiling to himself in a very uncharacteristic manner.
Sheppard stared. "Ronon?"
Ronon was turning his bread roll over in his hands, still smiling.
"There's a Wraith about to steal your food!" Sheppard said loudly in exasperation.
"You say something colonel?" Ronon asked inquiringly, his eyes focussing on Sheppard's baffled face.
"Now that I come to think of it. Why are you in such a good mood instead of engaging in morning after anxiety like the rest of us?" John demanded suspiciously. Ronon looked at him impassively but said nothing. Sheppard frowned. "The rest of us are angsting about what the hell we did while under the influence of that damned.... stuff and you're sitting here lookin' like the cat who swallowed the canary - it's a figure of speech," he added hastily before Ronon could say anything.
A movement to the left caught Sheppard's eye and he looked up hopefully. "Dr Novak!" he called out and then sighed as the engineer turned scarlet and bolted from the commissary at a run.
"Crap!" he muttered again, crushing his bread roll flat onto the plate with a dejected fist.
Ronon lifted a dark eyebrow inquiringly. "You and Dr Novak?" he asked in his deep voice. There was no condemnation or surprise in his question.
"Yeah," Sheppard mumbled. "She won't talk to me. As soon as we woke up this morning - she took one look at me, hiccoughed loudly and bolted out the door as if I was a damned Wraith."
"And you want to talk to her?" Ronon asked.
"Well yeah," Sheppard said irritably. "We're both adults, we should talk about stuff like that." Sheppard looked around curiously. "Where's Elizabeth? She should be dealing with this situation!"
"Still in her quarters, she said she was tired and wanted to rest," Ronon said calmly.
Sheppard froze for a moment, his eyes widening and he stared at Ronon in shock. Neither said a word. Ronon looked completely at ease, taking an unhurried sip from his cup.
Sheppard opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound emerged. In the end, he held up his hand and waved it back and forth and then in a circling motion as if he could somehow create sound by use of encouraging hand gestures. "You and Elizabeth?" he finally managed to croak out.
"Got a problem with that?" Ronon asked, displaying a complete lack of interest in any response Sheppard might care to give to his question.
"I .... uh ..." Sheppard started to say.
"Colonel Sheppard?" A tentative voice said quietly. Both men glanced over to where Dr Lindsey Novak was standing beside the table.
"Lindsey!"
Sheppard leapt to his feet immediately, knocking over fruit juice into his lunch and all over Novak at the same time.
Ronon watched as Sheppard made a grab for some serviettes, sending his vegetables skittering onto the ground. A passer-by trod on the peas, slipped, flailed, regained his balance, turned and swore at Sheppard before walking off.
Novak gave a wide-eyed hiccough, clapping her hand in front of her mouth. Ronon paused in his lunch and watched with sudden interest.
"How're you going?" Sheppard asked as he used the serviettes to pat ineffectually at the spilled juice.
"Good, yes. You?" she asked, muffling her next hiccough.
"Great. Yeah. Great," he said brightly. They lapsed into an awkward silence. Sheppard cast Ronon a frantic look as if to say: "Say something!" but Ronon merely smiled and offered Novak one of his serviettes.
"How's Hermiod?" John asked in desperation.
"Fine, he's good," Novak answered. "Look - sir ... I think we need to talk."
"Absolutely," John said with alacrity.
"But not now," Lindsey muttered, losing her nerve and turning purple.
"Oh," John said running his hand through his hair and searching frantically for ideas. "I have to do a supplies run to the mainland in an hour - why don't you come with me?" he suggested. "We can talk then."
"All right," she told him. "... but ... nothing's going to .... um ... happen...," she told him emphatically.
"Of course not," Sheppard muttered. "That was just a once off.... well strictly speaking twice if you count .."
"Three times," Novak whispered.
"Oh yeah." He cleared his throat. "So see you in an hour?"
"An hour."
"I'll bring your bra," he said unthinkingly. All three people at the table froze. Novak gave a loud hiccough.
"It must have fallen under the bed," Sheppard said, looking sheepish.
"Oh god," Lindsey mumbled and bolted.
"An hour! Don't forget!" Sheppard called out loudly after her and then sat back down again. Ronon didn't say a word.
"Don't say a word!" Sheppard snapped at him. "Now as for you. You and Elizabeth?" he demanded, suddenly remembering their previous topic of conversation.
Ronon raised one brow but said nothing, meeting the accusing gaze of his superior officer with unruffled composure.
"And what the hell's in that box?" Sheppard demanded, staring down at the small box on the empty chair near Ronon.
"Elizabeth left her thong behind in my apartment this morning," Ronon said matter-of-factly.
John choked on his soup, almost spraying it over the table.
"Thong? Elizabeth?" he demanded incredulously. "To be honest, I'm surprised you even know what a thong is. It's a very Earth thing, I mean women usually wear it to make guys like us wild, and taking a thong off a woman can be a lot of fun," he said reminiscently.
Ronon looked baffled. "You're a strange man, Sheppard," he remarked.
Sheppard looked stung. "Yeah and you're Mr Normal with your tattoos and dreadlocks, He-Man." He looked disgruntled.
"Ronon," Elizabeth Weir's voice spoke quietly and Sheppard's eyes narrowed as he saw the warmth kindling in Ronon's dark eyes.
"Good morning."
Sheppard watched in fascination as Elizabeth indicated Ronon's cup. "May I?" she asked him politely.
"Help yourself," he offered.
Elizabeth reached across the table and calmly picked up Ronon's cup, taking a swallow from it, her eyes not moving from Ronon's. The Satedan was smiling and when Elizabeth finished, he took the cup from her and drank, placing his mouth exactly where Elizabeth's lips had been.
No one spoke for a moment.
"Okay?" Ronon asked questioningly, one corner of his mouth quirked up in a faint smile.
"Okay," Elizabeth whispered softly with a nod and there was a shared smile of understanding.
"Okay what?" Sheppard demanded, looking back and forth between the two of them in disbelieving confusion.
"Brought your thong back," Ronon said reaching down for the box.
"Are you out of your mind?" John demanded at the same time Elizabeth said: "Thank you! I was wondering what had happened to it!"
"Ronon, just a tip. It is extremely inappropriate and more than a little crude to, in full view of everyone, give a woman back her ....."
"Shoe," Ronon said laconically as Elizabeth opened the box and pulled out the item of footwear.
"That is not a thong!" Sheppard looked outraged. "That's a flip flop .. a sandal ... maybe even a slipper!"
Elizabeth smiled. "Thongs. I bought them when I was in Australia - they're very comfortable. This one must have fallen off this morning when Ronon was carrying me back to my room."
"It fell off your foot in the hall. I found it on my way back," Ronon told her.
"You carried Elizabeth back to her room?"
"I was tired," Elizabeth said at the same time Ronon said: "She couldn't walk."
Elizabeth blushed and Ronon looked uncharacteristically sheepish, his firm mouth curving in a faint smile.
Sheppard continued to looked baffled. "Why are you two so happy?"
"No idea," Ronon said, his eyes not moving from Elizabeth's face.
"What he said," Elizabeth said with a slow smile
"Are you fully rested?" Ronon asked Elizabeth bluntly.
"That all depends on why you're asking," she replied coolly, arms crossed as she regarded him with an arched brow.
Ronon reached over and picked up the thong in his hand, hooking one long finger around the loop in the humble piece of footwear. A faintly wicked smile lurked in his eyes.
"Sheppard here says that taking a thong off a woman can be a lot of fun." Elizabeth's brow arched even more sharply.
Sheppard choked and began coughing uncontrollably, glaring at Ronon in disbelief.
Elizabeth reached over and gently touched her fingers against Ronon's hand. Her finger slid along his cool skin caressingly and there was an answering warmth in his eyes as he smiled back at her. No one except Sheppard, who was gradually recovering from his choking fit could see what was going on.
"Cinderella with a difference," she remarked.
Ronon rose to his feet. He towered over Elizabeth but she met his gaze squarely. "I've got work I need to do - as do you," she told him coolly.
Ronon rocked back on his heels but he was still smiling. "True."
"Tonight," she told him. "My room. If you have time." Her gaze flickered down to the object he held in his hand.
"Bring the thong," she told him. "John," she said nodding at Sheppard before walking away. Ronon remained standing, his gaze following Elizabeth's slim, straight figure as she left the room.
Sheppard was frowning consideringly. "That stuff's already worn off."
"Yes."
"You really like her."
"Yes."
"And she really likes you."
"Yes. And you like Dr Novak."
"Yes," Sheppard admitted balefully. Then he grinned despite himself. "Well I'll be damned. Maybe that bastard Lucius did us a favour after all."
The people in the commissary turned and stared in astonishment. They had never heard Ronon Dex laughing before.
I'm just being totally stupid here, no offence intended :) I doubt anyone else will be amused apart from me - and maybe sg_lab.
The Morning After (set after Irresistible) (PG-13)
"That son of a bitch," Sheppard muttered, holding his head in his hands. The commissary was filled with people whose expressions and physical positions expressed a similar sentiment. There was a low murmuring of voices ranging from accusatory, conciliatory to embarrassed and infuriated.
"Colonel, permission to return to Lucius Lavin's homeworld and kill him slowly. And horribly," Teyla asked earnestly.
"Teyla - can we talk?" a tentative voice said quietly. Two of the three people at the table looked up at Rodney McKay who stood on the spot looking painfully embarrassed and very ill at-ease.
"I thought that all that pheromone stuff was supposed to have been destroyed!" Sheppard demanded.
Rodney looked miserable. "I thought it was, too."
"The ultimate revenge," Teyla muttered, averting her gaze from Rodney's.
"How did he do it?" Sheppard asked.
"Prior to his departure, he got away from his guards and poured everything into the blue jello mix," Rodney muttered, looking uncharacteristically subdued.
"Crap," Sheppard said with feeling. "I had a double helping."
"Who ..?" Rodney began.
"Don't ask," Sheppard snapped.
"Teyla, I really think ..." Rodney mumbled.
"Very well," Teyla said reluctantly and the two of them rose from the table and left the room.
"Wow. Teyla and Rodney," Sheppard shook his head in disbelief. "Ronon? Look - are you even listenin' to me?" he demanded irritably. The tall Satedan was smiling to himself in a very uncharacteristic manner.
Sheppard stared. "Ronon?"
Ronon was turning his bread roll over in his hands, still smiling.
"There's a Wraith about to steal your food!" Sheppard said loudly in exasperation.
"You say something colonel?" Ronon asked inquiringly, his eyes focussing on Sheppard's baffled face.
"Now that I come to think of it. Why are you in such a good mood instead of engaging in morning after anxiety like the rest of us?" John demanded suspiciously. Ronon looked at him impassively but said nothing. Sheppard frowned. "The rest of us are angsting about what the hell we did while under the influence of that damned.... stuff and you're sitting here lookin' like the cat who swallowed the canary - it's a figure of speech," he added hastily before Ronon could say anything.
A movement to the left caught Sheppard's eye and he looked up hopefully. "Dr Novak!" he called out and then sighed as the engineer turned scarlet and bolted from the commissary at a run.
"Crap!" he muttered again, crushing his bread roll flat onto the plate with a dejected fist.
Ronon lifted a dark eyebrow inquiringly. "You and Dr Novak?" he asked in his deep voice. There was no condemnation or surprise in his question.
"Yeah," Sheppard mumbled. "She won't talk to me. As soon as we woke up this morning - she took one look at me, hiccoughed loudly and bolted out the door as if I was a damned Wraith."
"And you want to talk to her?" Ronon asked.
"Well yeah," Sheppard said irritably. "We're both adults, we should talk about stuff like that." Sheppard looked around curiously. "Where's Elizabeth? She should be dealing with this situation!"
"Still in her quarters, she said she was tired and wanted to rest," Ronon said calmly.
Sheppard froze for a moment, his eyes widening and he stared at Ronon in shock. Neither said a word. Ronon looked completely at ease, taking an unhurried sip from his cup.
Sheppard opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound emerged. In the end, he held up his hand and waved it back and forth and then in a circling motion as if he could somehow create sound by use of encouraging hand gestures. "You and Elizabeth?" he finally managed to croak out.
"Got a problem with that?" Ronon asked, displaying a complete lack of interest in any response Sheppard might care to give to his question.
"I .... uh ..." Sheppard started to say.
"Colonel Sheppard?" A tentative voice said quietly. Both men glanced over to where Dr Lindsey Novak was standing beside the table.
"Lindsey!"
Sheppard leapt to his feet immediately, knocking over fruit juice into his lunch and all over Novak at the same time.
Ronon watched as Sheppard made a grab for some serviettes, sending his vegetables skittering onto the ground. A passer-by trod on the peas, slipped, flailed, regained his balance, turned and swore at Sheppard before walking off.
Novak gave a wide-eyed hiccough, clapping her hand in front of her mouth. Ronon paused in his lunch and watched with sudden interest.
"How're you going?" Sheppard asked as he used the serviettes to pat ineffectually at the spilled juice.
"Good, yes. You?" she asked, muffling her next hiccough.
"Great. Yeah. Great," he said brightly. They lapsed into an awkward silence. Sheppard cast Ronon a frantic look as if to say: "Say something!" but Ronon merely smiled and offered Novak one of his serviettes.
"How's Hermiod?" John asked in desperation.
"Fine, he's good," Novak answered. "Look - sir ... I think we need to talk."
"Absolutely," John said with alacrity.
"But not now," Lindsey muttered, losing her nerve and turning purple.
"Oh," John said running his hand through his hair and searching frantically for ideas. "I have to do a supplies run to the mainland in an hour - why don't you come with me?" he suggested. "We can talk then."
"All right," she told him. "... but ... nothing's going to .... um ... happen...," she told him emphatically.
"Of course not," Sheppard muttered. "That was just a once off.... well strictly speaking twice if you count .."
"Three times," Novak whispered.
"Oh yeah." He cleared his throat. "So see you in an hour?"
"An hour."
"I'll bring your bra," he said unthinkingly. All three people at the table froze. Novak gave a loud hiccough.
"It must have fallen under the bed," Sheppard said, looking sheepish.
"Oh god," Lindsey mumbled and bolted.
"An hour! Don't forget!" Sheppard called out loudly after her and then sat back down again. Ronon didn't say a word.
"Don't say a word!" Sheppard snapped at him. "Now as for you. You and Elizabeth?" he demanded, suddenly remembering their previous topic of conversation.
Ronon raised one brow but said nothing, meeting the accusing gaze of his superior officer with unruffled composure.
"And what the hell's in that box?" Sheppard demanded, staring down at the small box on the empty chair near Ronon.
"Elizabeth left her thong behind in my apartment this morning," Ronon said matter-of-factly.
John choked on his soup, almost spraying it over the table.
"Thong? Elizabeth?" he demanded incredulously. "To be honest, I'm surprised you even know what a thong is. It's a very Earth thing, I mean women usually wear it to make guys like us wild, and taking a thong off a woman can be a lot of fun," he said reminiscently.
Ronon looked baffled. "You're a strange man, Sheppard," he remarked.
Sheppard looked stung. "Yeah and you're Mr Normal with your tattoos and dreadlocks, He-Man." He looked disgruntled.
"Ronon," Elizabeth Weir's voice spoke quietly and Sheppard's eyes narrowed as he saw the warmth kindling in Ronon's dark eyes.
"Good morning."
Sheppard watched in fascination as Elizabeth indicated Ronon's cup. "May I?" she asked him politely.
"Help yourself," he offered.
Elizabeth reached across the table and calmly picked up Ronon's cup, taking a swallow from it, her eyes not moving from Ronon's. The Satedan was smiling and when Elizabeth finished, he took the cup from her and drank, placing his mouth exactly where Elizabeth's lips had been.
No one spoke for a moment.
"Okay?" Ronon asked questioningly, one corner of his mouth quirked up in a faint smile.
"Okay," Elizabeth whispered softly with a nod and there was a shared smile of understanding.
"Okay what?" Sheppard demanded, looking back and forth between the two of them in disbelieving confusion.
"Brought your thong back," Ronon said reaching down for the box.
"Are you out of your mind?" John demanded at the same time Elizabeth said: "Thank you! I was wondering what had happened to it!"
"Ronon, just a tip. It is extremely inappropriate and more than a little crude to, in full view of everyone, give a woman back her ....."
"Shoe," Ronon said laconically as Elizabeth opened the box and pulled out the item of footwear.
"That is not a thong!" Sheppard looked outraged. "That's a flip flop .. a sandal ... maybe even a slipper!"
Elizabeth smiled. "Thongs. I bought them when I was in Australia - they're very comfortable. This one must have fallen off this morning when Ronon was carrying me back to my room."
"It fell off your foot in the hall. I found it on my way back," Ronon told her.
"You carried Elizabeth back to her room?"
"I was tired," Elizabeth said at the same time Ronon said: "She couldn't walk."
Elizabeth blushed and Ronon looked uncharacteristically sheepish, his firm mouth curving in a faint smile.
Sheppard continued to looked baffled. "Why are you two so happy?"
"No idea," Ronon said, his eyes not moving from Elizabeth's face.
"What he said," Elizabeth said with a slow smile
"Are you fully rested?" Ronon asked Elizabeth bluntly.
"That all depends on why you're asking," she replied coolly, arms crossed as she regarded him with an arched brow.
Ronon reached over and picked up the thong in his hand, hooking one long finger around the loop in the humble piece of footwear. A faintly wicked smile lurked in his eyes.
"Sheppard here says that taking a thong off a woman can be a lot of fun." Elizabeth's brow arched even more sharply.
Sheppard choked and began coughing uncontrollably, glaring at Ronon in disbelief.
Elizabeth reached over and gently touched her fingers against Ronon's hand. Her finger slid along his cool skin caressingly and there was an answering warmth in his eyes as he smiled back at her. No one except Sheppard, who was gradually recovering from his choking fit could see what was going on.
"Cinderella with a difference," she remarked.
Ronon rose to his feet. He towered over Elizabeth but she met his gaze squarely. "I've got work I need to do - as do you," she told him coolly.
Ronon rocked back on his heels but he was still smiling. "True."
"Tonight," she told him. "My room. If you have time." Her gaze flickered down to the object he held in his hand.
"Bring the thong," she told him. "John," she said nodding at Sheppard before walking away. Ronon remained standing, his gaze following Elizabeth's slim, straight figure as she left the room.
Sheppard was frowning consideringly. "That stuff's already worn off."
"Yes."
"You really like her."
"Yes."
"And she really likes you."
"Yes. And you like Dr Novak."
"Yes," Sheppard admitted balefully. Then he grinned despite himself. "Well I'll be damned. Maybe that bastard Lucius did us a favour after all."
The people in the commissary turned and stared in astonishment. They had never heard Ronon Dex laughing before.