On Sexual Orientation, Romantic Orientation, and Gender Identity
These are some terms that the lot of you might want to educate yourself about but might not make it into Forward and Counting. I want to take some time to give you the base definitions, and if you wish to do further research on your own time, you may. If you wish to just wait around and see how I manage with slipping them into the story, you may do that as well.
Sexual orientation: Most of you (all of you, I hope, as this is a 14+ blog) are acquainted with this term early on in life. It is your sexual orientation. Who you have sex with, wish to have sex with, or do not wish to have sex with. This spectrum is broad, and it includes:
Romantic orientation: This one is lesser known, and I'll explain why. Many people base their romantic orientation and gender identity on their sexual orientation, leaving many people feeling like they are odd or out of the loop or "not like other girls" or "other boys," but while being exceptionally sexist, these three identifiers need not be grouped together. Romantic orientation is usually only applied to asexuals because they are still romantically attracted to people, though not sexually attracted to them. While it's not as widely accepted (lots of "you're just making it up" and eye rolls come with this), sexual people can also have separate romantic orientations than sexual orientations. A lot of divorces wouldn't happen if some people would figure that out. This spectrum includes:
Recently, I met a male co-worker who I was immediately attracted to and it freaked me the fuck out. I kept questioning myself, wondering if I was bisexual. However, as I thought more and more about it, I realized that I was only interested in him sexually, that I've only ever been interested in men sexually. When it comes to thoughts of kissing or holding hands or cuddling, I get weirded out, sometimes even grossed out. I would never be able to be in a relationship with that man from work. In fact, what I want out of a relationship isn't something that I'd want in a relationship with a man. Even if the man was everything I ever wanted in a girl (basically a complete house-wife that let me play knight in shining armor), I just couldn't be in a relationship with him unless he was transexual. I like long hair and dresses. I just do.
So I identify as bisexual but homoromantic, and when people ask, I tell them that I'm gay. Because I am. Another example would be my father, who told me after I explained the differences of sexual and romantic orientation that he might be aromantic but heterosexual. He says he doesn't get the romantic bit, but the sexual bit he's fine with. I don't expect him to dwell on it (my dad's not one for dwelling) but it just goes to show how many people differ in who they're romantically and sexually attracted to.
And, the last bit--
Gender identity: This is something that's only been dabbled into a bit, but let's give it a go.
I identify as gender fluid (I'm both male and female when I'm writing; feels like I have two identical twins inside my head telling each other to shut the fuck up, one {both} that doesn't give a shit, and another {neither} that just watches the clouds pass by), but I'm perfectly comfortable being referred to as a woman. I would, however, love to undergo surgery to get pectorals instead of breasts and legally change my name to "Samuel," but the farthest I'll actually go is getting a mastectomy if they'll let me. A breast reduction, definitely.
Anyway, there you have it. If this didn't make you more open-minded to the larger spectrum, then I at least hope it helped you answer some questions about yourself. Good night :)
Sexual orientation: Most of you (all of you, I hope, as this is a 14+ blog) are acquainted with this term early on in life. It is your sexual orientation. Who you have sex with, wish to have sex with, or do not wish to have sex with. This spectrum is broad, and it includes:
- Heterosexuality--sexual attraction to the opposite sex.
- Homosexuality--sexual attraction to the same sex.
- Bisexuality--sexual attraction to both sexes.
- Pansexuality--sexual attraction to all sexes (including transgendered males and/or females).
- Asexuality--sexual attraction to no one; lack of the urge to have sex. This is often misunderstood. Asexuality is a sexuality. It is an identity. Someone who is asexual has (usually) not been through a traumatic experience. They are not "late bloomers." They are not celibate. Many asexual people have sex and enjoy it, but they feel no urge to have it at all. They see its necessity, they just don't see what all the hype is about. Some asexuals prefer masturbation. Another misconception is that asexuals are also aromantic, which is not always the case. Many will be in sexual relationships to please their partners.
- Demisexuality--sexual attraction to someone you share a strong emotional bond with. The bond comes first, the sexual attraction later. Demisexuals can have low sex drives because of this, but there are others who have strong sex drives. It just takes a bond to bring it out.
- Grey-asexuality--sexual attraction only once or twice in a lifetime. Similar to demisexuality but a bond is not needed and grey-asexuals can be emotionally bonded with no sexual attraction.
Romantic orientation: This one is lesser known, and I'll explain why. Many people base their romantic orientation and gender identity on their sexual orientation, leaving many people feeling like they are odd or out of the loop or "not like other girls" or "other boys," but while being exceptionally sexist, these three identifiers need not be grouped together. Romantic orientation is usually only applied to asexuals because they are still romantically attracted to people, though not sexually attracted to them. While it's not as widely accepted (lots of "you're just making it up" and eye rolls come with this), sexual people can also have separate romantic orientations than sexual orientations. A lot of divorces wouldn't happen if some people would figure that out. This spectrum includes:
- Heteroromantic--romantic attraction to the opposite sex.
- Homoromantic--romantic attraction to the same sex.
- Biromantic--romantic attraction to both sexes.
- Panromantic--romantic attraction to all sexes.
- Aromantic--romantic attraction to no one. I actually had the pleasure of having a best friend that is aromantic. He didn't know that that is what he is, but he would always tell me that he doesn't see the need in having relationships like that. He would ask me why he needed anyone besides friends. A misconception with aromantics, again, is that they are late bloomers. This is usually very insulting to them. They are treated like children, like they don't know anything about adult problems, and that's a terrible way to treat anyone, especially if they're juniors in college. Aromantics, like asexuals, can be in romantic relationships if the people most important to them (e.g. their best friends) want to be in romantic relationships with them. They aren't cold or unfeeling. They still want love and closeness, just not in a romantic sense. My aromantic friend was very fond of me, always linking arms with me and worrying about me constantly.
- Demiromantic--Again, demiromantics need a strong emotional bond to feel romantic attraction.
- Grey-aromantic--romantic attraction only once or twice in a lifetime.
Recently, I met a male co-worker who I was immediately attracted to and it freaked me the fuck out. I kept questioning myself, wondering if I was bisexual. However, as I thought more and more about it, I realized that I was only interested in him sexually, that I've only ever been interested in men sexually. When it comes to thoughts of kissing or holding hands or cuddling, I get weirded out, sometimes even grossed out. I would never be able to be in a relationship with that man from work. In fact, what I want out of a relationship isn't something that I'd want in a relationship with a man. Even if the man was everything I ever wanted in a girl (basically a complete house-wife that let me play knight in shining armor), I just couldn't be in a relationship with him unless he was transexual. I like long hair and dresses. I just do.
So I identify as bisexual but homoromantic, and when people ask, I tell them that I'm gay. Because I am. Another example would be my father, who told me after I explained the differences of sexual and romantic orientation that he might be aromantic but heterosexual. He says he doesn't get the romantic bit, but the sexual bit he's fine with. I don't expect him to dwell on it (my dad's not one for dwelling) but it just goes to show how many people differ in who they're romantically and sexually attracted to.
And, the last bit--
Gender identity: This is something that's only been dabbled into a bit, but let's give it a go.
- Cisgender--identifying with your biological gender; females identifying ads women; males identifying as men.
- Bigender--identifying with both genders; sometimes having separate personas to placate both sides of yourself. Feeling the need to do "drag" (drag-queen if you're a boy, drag-king if you're a girl), but not needed. This can mean that you're androgynous, but can mean that you just feel like a boy at some times, a girl at others.
- Pangender--identifying as all genders.
- Gender fluid--identifying as a man sometimes, sometimes as a woman, sometimes as both, and sometimes as neither.
- Genderless--identifying as no gender. This can also mean that you're born as neither male nor female, as in having no vagina, penis, testes, ovaries, or breasts. Genderless people are often discriminated against, and those that are born without gender will often identify as the gender they most resemble. However, you can be born a girl or a boy and just not identify as anything. This is dissimilar to bigender in the manner that bigenders like to pick and choose which gender they wish to represent at times, where genderless identifiers prefer to not represent a gender at all. Genderless identifiers also prefer (but not always) to be referred to with genderless pronouns, such as they, their, and them.
- Transgender--identifying as the opposite sex. Transgenders are born a specific sex but feel strongly that they are the separate sex.
I identify as gender fluid (I'm both male and female when I'm writing; feels like I have two identical twins inside my head telling each other to shut the fuck up, one {both} that doesn't give a shit, and another {neither} that just watches the clouds pass by), but I'm perfectly comfortable being referred to as a woman. I would, however, love to undergo surgery to get pectorals instead of breasts and legally change my name to "Samuel," but the farthest I'll actually go is getting a mastectomy if they'll let me. A breast reduction, definitely.
Anyway, there you have it. If this didn't make you more open-minded to the larger spectrum, then I at least hope it helped you answer some questions about yourself. Good night :)