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Fic: Playing Pretend [7/?] (Kirk/McCoy, NC17)
Title: Playing Pretend [7/?]
Authors: andrealyn and inell
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: Adult/NC17
Summary: When a visiting diplomat asks Bones out on a date, a little white lie starts a chain of events that changes his relationship with Jim
Word Count: 4190
Beta: florahart
A/N: Thank you all so much for the comments! Previous parts found here. We'll be posting our Kirk/McCoy collab fics to kmficsbyus for easy archiving and such. Feel free to watch the comm if you'd like. And thanks again for reading!
The away mission had been envoyed earlier that morning. It was a simple task, but McCoy was still on edge, being that it involved Jim and their whole situation was currently tumultuous. It was only getting worse, seeing as it had been almost two hours since their last communication. Scotty kept trying to reach the planet, but interference had come up and grown, and no one could say whether or not it was malicious intent. McCoy never would have sent Jim down to the surface if he'd thought there was even the slightest chance of him getting hurt because he was supposed to be nursing his arm. He was supposed to be, but Jim was currently out of range and all the messages they were sending down to the planet were going nowhere. Arlington was hovering around him and McCoy shifted as he stood there uncomfortably, not even having to act any more.
This was just him and Jim, another go-round of a mission that was supposed to be safe.
The one saving grace at this point in time was the life-signs monitor. It was steady and despite the lack of communications, it was something that McCoy could hold onto while chaos reigned around them and the speakers throughout the ship broadcasted nothing but the sharp and unsteady sound of nothingness. He swallowed hard and went to rearrange his medical equipment for the fourth time since the team had left. He moved the scalpels and moved the hyposprays and ignored Chapel's looks at him. "They're coming back," he insisted, trying to ignore Arlington's eyes on his back.
"Doctor McCoy?"
"What?"
Arlington gestured to the screen. "I...I ah, think you should see this." He didn't sound very happy and McCoy didn't want to know what in the universe would make him sound so displeased. He gravitated back to the monitor and instantly saw what he was talking about. It made his heart stop and made McCoy freeze up where he was, a million memories and thoughts sprinting through his head. There was no heart-rate on Jim's life monitor. There was no heartbeat, there was no...
No, Jim, shit, no, you can't do this to me, no, no, no.
McCoy had the distinct and unpleasant sensation of another man's life flashing before his eyes and he saw his and Jim's first meeting, their first year, the rest of the Academy, holidays and vacations, time spent together, Starfleet and shore leave. McCoy felt the sudden sureness of a sickness in his stomach and he lurched slightly, grabbing the table before his mind could kick into gear and he could start preparing things. They needed to get Jim back to Medical so that Bones could operate. They needed to do something about this; he needed to bring Jim back.
No one was being teleported in and every time he tried to raise the bridge, he got nothing but static.
"Damn it!" he cursed sharply, shoving at the table. "Chapel! Get to the bridge, tell them to beam them here immediately if they haven't tried already and somebody find something out!" His voice was deep and insistent, booming as loud as it got. He was trying to ignore the vast majority of other people around him because right now he couldn't think about anything but the fact that Jim's heart had stopped beating, he wasn't breathing, he was dying if someone wasn't helping. Jim, goddamn it, no, Jim, you can't go, you're not allowed to go.
*
Goddamn stupid lightning storms. The residents of Space Station Meena had assured Jim that the storm wouldn't last for long, but it had gone on for hours. It had knocked out all the communications with his ship, and it had delayed the supply shuttles’ return by nearly an hour. He knew from experience that his crew was probably fearing the worse, so he had overruled the suggestion that he wait at Meena until the storm was completely gone. It was just a small team besides himself on the supply run, and none of them had wanted to stand around when they knew their co-workers were probably panicked over the loss of communications. Fortunately, he'd had the foresight to bring Sulu along, mostly to give him a break after their last landing mission resulted in them both being injured bad enough to be forced off work for days. Some break it had turned out to be, with so much rain that everyone was soaked through to the skin and flying was difficult, to say the least. Sulu managed to get back to the Enterprise, even without communications, which definitely earned him an extra week of shore leave next cycle.
After the shuttle was secure, Jim went to the bridge to report. The fact that Uhura--Uhura--came forward and hugged him when he entered the room was enough to stun him into silence. He listened as Spock logically explained something about grief and joy and heart monitors malfunctioning, which is as far as he got before Jim realized that Bones would have seen it. He probably didn't know that Jim was aware of the fact that he kept the monitor up on his office terminal whenever Jim was on a mission, but he'd caught sight of it a few months into their five year mission. He just hadn't ever said anything because it was something that made Bones feel better about his best friend having an occasionally dangerous job. Now, he couldn't help but hurry to get down to Medical because who knew what Bones was thinking by now.
The past few days had been really good. Strange and awkward as they both seemed to be testing the limits of how far they'd go for this pretend relationship and as Jim became more unclear on where the pretending ended and reality began. Since the night of the first date, which had resulted in their mutual orgasms, there had been a tension and awareness that neither wanted to acknowledge because, really, they hadn't been faking that, at all, and they couldn't claim they had been, so it was better not to talk about it. If Bones thought he had gone and gotten himself killed during a damn supply drop, though, all the progress they'd been making recently in their mixed-up relationship would be for nothing because he was going to be ready to bring Jim back to life just so he could kill him himself, and the fact that Jim wasn't dead would just mean skipping that step. Finally, the turbolift arrived, and Jim knew that he needed to tell Scotty to look into how damn slow those things were because it had taken forever to get here.
He entered Medical and scanned the room quickly, needing to find Bones to explain about the storm and to bicker about soaking wet clothes giving him a cold and to know that they were going to be okay, with no killing because he hadn't done anything rash and stupid. This time.
Chapel had already gone ahead and skittered her way out of Medical under his orders and so she was gone when the doors swished open. It was just natural for McCoy to have been expecting it to be her. So when it turned out to be Jim Kirk standing there in his Sick Bay, his breath stopped and his heart decided to start beating again because Jim definitely didn't look dead so much as he looked...well, wet. He was already crossing the room, cursing 'goddamn son of a bitch stupid damned ridiculous idiot' before capturing Jim in his arms and holding on as tight as he could. Part of him might have said this was for Arlington's sake, that he was there and so this was for him. It was absolutely only for McCoy, because he needed to feel Jim in his arms, his pulse alive and well.
His hands clasped Jim harder than ever, having mauled him tightly and was now busy pressing a fierce and desperate kiss to his lips, five miles away from being romantic. "Jim, you idiot," he hissed, hauling him closer than before and burying his face into Jim's neck, not wanting to let him go, never wanting to let him go. "Jim, you stupid asshole, fuck."
He had died. As far as McCoy was concerned, he'd been dead for all that time and now, he didn't want to let him go.
When Jim caught sight of Bones, he felt a punch to his gut. The expression on Bones’ face was one that Jim never wanted to see again, and it was more than enough to confirm his suspicion that Bones had seen the heart monitor flatline. He didn’t pay attention to anything else as he walked towards Bones, not even hesitating with a worry that crew might be around as he stepped into Bones’ arms. The hug was so tight that he could barely breathe, and he let Bones curse him because he knew it was how Bones showed he cared.
“It’s okay, Bones. I’m here. I’m alive. Can’t get rid of me that easily,” he murmured repeatedly as Bones kept squeezing him and calling him an idiot and son of a bitch. It felt only natural for Bones to kiss him then, a hard kiss that was almost punishing him for the technical failure that had scared Bones. Later, Jim might have to examine why this didn’t feel at all like pretending yet felt so effortless, like it was how things always were for them.
His lips were tingling when Bones pulled his mouth away and somehow managed to get Jim even closer to him. Bones was mumbling insults against Jim’s neck, his arms still firmly wrapped around Jim and not loosening their grip at all. Jim stroked a hand down Bones’ back and moved his other hand into Bones’ hair, murmuring words that he hoped were soothing as he tried to give Bones some kind of reassurance that he was alive and hadn’t left him.
It felt like if McCoy let go of Jim, he might drift away, as if whatever caused the monitor to flatline was going to pull him away again and make Bones spend the rest of his life alone and miserable. So he held Jim and closed his eyes and kissed him with all the desire that came out of too many dangerous away missions and the one that broke the camels back with a very technical straw. "Do you know, Jim, do you know I actually thought you were gone," he spoke, feeling dizzy and furious and angry and torn all at once. "I thought you were gone, I thought that'd be it, that we'd never get to...that I'd never..."
He swallowed down on the words as he forced himself to take an inch's step back and to stare at Jim, cupping his face and studying him in all his alive glory.
When Bones kissed him again, it wasn’t like the other one. This one was consuming in a way that Jim couldn’t really remember ever experiencing before. He returned the kiss, unable to keep from giving back as much emotion as he was taking. He put all the confusing feelings and the desire that he’d already ignored into it, needing Bones to know that he felt things, too. The kiss finally ended, and he listened to Bones’ broken speech, holding him tighter. “I’m not gone, Bones. I’m right here,” he murmured. “As soon as I heard about the monitors, I came right down here. Had to get to you, to tell you that I was alive.”
Jim didn’t really know what Bones thought they’d never get to do, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t dead. But Bones thought he had been, and his reaction wasn’t something that Jim was likely to forget. He hadn’t really considered what would happen if he died on a mission, generally putting everyone else’s safety ahead of his own and figuring that life would go on without him if he didn’t survive. Now, though, he could see how badly shaken Bones was, he knew that it’d hurt Bones in a way that maybe he’d thought about abstractly because they were best friends but he could see all too clearly at this moment would be worse than he’d ever expected.
“I’m alive,” he said again as Bones stepped away and touched his face.
McCoy realized two minutes too late that they were surrounded by people and he'd already made more than a fool of himself by acting the way he was. He stepped back and swallowed hard, trying not to go too flush with the humiliation of what he'd done. "Yeah, you are," he agreed, voice unsure and unsettled as he took a step backwards and severed all his contact with Jim. There had been something more in that kiss and while it was what McCoy wanted, what he'd been hoping for, something like panic was rearing its head.
"You are. You definitely are. And you should go see Chapel or Arlington or Geoff for your uh..." He gestured, the word escaping him as he took another step backwards. If he could feel what Jim was pouring into that kiss, then Jim definitely felt everything that'd come from McCoy. All their pretending was about to hit a wall, he feared. "For your check-up and I need to just file this report. In my office." Another step back and he hurried to turn away, desperate to break eye contact, to try and regain control of the situation.
“Bones?” Jim frowned when Bones suddenly let him go and stepped away. It was like he didn’t want to even be around him, which was ridiculous considering the kiss they’d just shared. He knew they weren’t alone, but that hadn’t been pretend. Nothing about the last however many minutes had been. Bones was a doctor, not an actor, and that’s the only way he could have faked what happened. No, not even then. “I don’t need a check-up. Nothing happened down there except a lot of rain.”
Jim ran his hand through his hair and watched Bones turn and practically run to his office. He was in such a hurry to get away that it was surprising he didn’t trip. Jim counted to ten before he followed, ignoring anyone who was standing around because it wasn’t any of their damn business what was happening. When he stepped into Bones’ office, he hit the button to cause the door to slide shut behind him. “There was a bad storm down there, lots of lightning. It interfered with our communications and delayed our return. I didn’t know until we were back, and I went to the bridge that it also messed up our heart monitors,” he said calmly, watching and waiting because he wasn’t about to just walk away because Bones decided to run and hide in his office.
McCoy kept his back to Jim, steady and focused on his paperwork and filing things away that were too important to only be kept on their PADD's. "I'll put it in the report, Jim," he assured the man, voice subdued and soft, almost beaten. "Thanks, though. For coming here to see me. Last thing I needed was to hear around the dinner table that you're fine." He was staring fixedly on his hands, staring at his class ring, at the band of skin where a wedding ring used to be. What was he even thinking? How could any part of him believe that he could do this again? It was too terrifying, too real. He wasn't ready for something like this, especially when Jim definitely was as willing as he was. "We'll be at Arlington's planet soon. He's offered to show us around and return the hospitality. When that's done.." He paused, closing his eyes to avert the stinging sensation in his stomach. "...this can be over."
“What the hell is wrong with you, Bones? Thanks for coming to see you?” Jim repeated, tempted to count again because Bones’ attitude is making it difficult to remain calm and collected. “Of course I came to see you. I knew you’d think I was dead because you always keep the monitor up whenever I’m on a mission.” Bones still wouldn’t turn around to look at him. Instead, he talked in this detached sort of voice that didn’t sound like him at all. The words he said weren’t right, either. Jim frowned and gripped the back of his neck as he kept staring at Bones. “That’s all this is to you still? Playing pretend for Arlington?” he asked quietly. The walls were thick enough here for privacy that no one would hear them, but he couldn’t really ask those questions any louder. Not when he’d stupidly believed that maybe Bones felt something for him after all, that the other night meant something more than faking it for this stupid plan, that Bones’ kiss might mean there was some sliver of hope that friendship wasn’t all they’d have. “This is all still just an act for you, then?”
If he could just lie, McCoy would have. Jim knew him too well for him to just say something and for it to be believed. He knew that this wouldn't be his escape and so he stopped fiddling with his things and bowed his head low and kept his eyes focused on the floor. "Don't you have to be back at the bridge, Jim?" McCoy asked quietly, flexing his fingers and trying to ignore the whiteness to his knuckles. "They need you there. I'll make do with things here for a while."
Jim knew him far too well. He had to have felt it, too. He had to know all of McCoy's secrets from that one kiss. It just mattered now because Jim was going to decide what to do with that information.
"I'm the captain, Bones. I can get back to the bridge whenever I'm finished here," Jim said. "This is more important." He moved his fingers over the door's surface and keeps his gaze focused on Bones. "You need me here, don't you?" He felt awkward, like he was forcing Bones to deal with him in a way that wasn't really usual for them. But he knew what he'd felt when they kissed, and he couldn't just walk away and ignore it like it didn't exist. There had been enough pretending the last week.
McCoy closed his eyes firmly and swallowed with some difficulty. "Jim, please," he begged, turning finally and letting his best friend see the fraught indecision on his dace, the panic that usually preceded a moment in which McCoy could barely breathe and he had to find a small space where he could close his eyes and let all his troubles drift away. "I need you to confirm our plans to drop off Arlington, talk to the man to make sure everything's in order, and make sure all the systems get back online." He gave the orders in a gruff, demanding way, nodding his head as he did. "That's what I need."
When Bones finally looked at him, Jim was surprised to see the expression on his face, like he was about to have a panic attack. Jim swallowed and licked his lips, feeling more ridiculous with every word that he said. It was obvious that he'd misunderstood everything, which was one of the problems when lines got blurred. Maybe he'd been so caught up in what he was feeling that he wanted to believe Bones felt the same way. Or maybe Bones did feel the same way but just didn't want to do anything about it. Jim ignored the voice in his head whispering that he just wasn't good enough as he stood up and straightened his shoulders. Whatever the problem was, Jim knew when he'd hit a brick wall. And that's how he felt right now, standing in Bones' office in his wet uniform being put back into his place.
"Fine," he said curtly. "I never realized that you were such a good actor, Bones. Don't let me keep you any longer." He curled his fingers into his palms for a moment before he turned and punched the button to open the door harder than necessary. Maybe he could feign an illness to avoid the fake happy relationship act when they arrived at Arlington's home because he didn't know if he could keep this up for much longer without their friendship being at risk.
*
McCoy hadn't participated in the ruse that he had started in days. Arlington's planet drew nearer and nearer, but McCoy didn't set foot in Jim's room and hadn't invited him to come back to his. It was a cowardly thing to do, but it was the closest he could get to running when they were on a spaceship in the middle of the vast reaches of the universe. He didn't know that he could deal with knowing that Jim wanted him on a level that McCoy understood far too well. So he ignored and he tried to suppress all the genuine feelings. When Chapel gave him wary looks, he ignored them and when Uhura looked like she wanted to say 'I told you so', he switched shifts so that he wouldn't have to see her looking at him like that. He let M'Benga work with Arlington and focused on records and updates instead of patients.
It might have all continued along well if not for Spock.
McCoy had returned from a dinner alone to find the First Officer in his office with his hands perfectly folded behind his back, standing there in the dim half-light of the office. McCoy had thought it was only a specter at first, something that made him startle and nearly gave him a heart attack. "Jesus, Spock, what the hell's wrong with turning on a lamp?"
"You have already done so upon your return, Doctor," Spock pointed out curtly. "Please, enter. And sit down. You and I must discuss a matter of the utmost importance to the ship's current efficiency and, more importantly, to the Captain's well-being, with which I have grown very concerned in recent years in great thanks to our alternate timeline. Jim's unique personality has become important to me as it is important to this ship, and he is suffering."
McCoy couldn't be entirely sure, but he felt like this was the 'you hurt my best friend, you sonovabitch and now you're going to pay for it' speech. At least, in the closest Vulcan approximation. Actually, from the small tick upwards of Spock's eyebrow in a manner that suggested irritation, this was exactly what it was. He sighed and tried to process the best answers to questions that had yet to be asked.
“Jim and I…”
“The Captain has shown a remarkable decrease in mood in recent days and I believe the blame can be fixed on your interaction with him, or more accurately, your lack of interaction.” Yeah, McCoy was definitely seeing Vulcans at their angriest. It wasn’t much more than an icier tone and more movement by the brows, but he was an expert in xenobiology and knew what he was seeing. “Your behavior has gravely injured the Captain’s emotions, his pride, and his efficiency. I insist that you desist at once and apologize before we find ourselves in further peril because our captain is out of sorts and unable to perform routine tasks.”
“Spock, the ship isn’t going to implode because Jim and I are going through a rough patch.”
“That is not what I have sensed upon incidental touches with the Captain.”
McCoy narrowed his eyes, trying not to feel the possessive flare that came with the thought that Spock was up there on the bridge, touching Jim. Even incidentally. He narrowed his eyes and barely stopped the growl that escaped his throat. “You don’t know anything about this.”
Spock paused for a long moment, as if debating the merits of going up against McCoy’s castle and king. “He cares for you very much.”
“He’s confused. I am, too. It’ll pass,” McCoy snapped. McCoy had to keep telling himself that they could somehow go back to being their normal selves if he just avoided Jim long enough for things to settle back as to how they were, like silt on a riverbed. It would happen. Spock just needed to stop staring at him like that so that McCoy could stop having second thoughts.
“You are harming the Captain, Doctor. I will not tolerate this much longer.”
McCoy let loose a small and angry sound. “Get the hell out of my office.”
“Please remember our conversation. It would be unfortunate and awkward if I were required to take decisive actions to remedy this illogical situation,” Spock curtly remarked as he swiftly turned and left the office, just before McCoy could pick up the nearest paperweight and let it launch into a trajectory that only came to a stop when it collided with the wall and exploded into a thousand pieces.
Goddamn Vulcan bastards
Chapter 6 | Chapter 8
Authors: andrealyn and inell
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: Adult/NC17
Summary: When a visiting diplomat asks Bones out on a date, a little white lie starts a chain of events that changes his relationship with Jim
Word Count: 4190
Beta: florahart
A/N: Thank you all so much for the comments! Previous parts found here. We'll be posting our Kirk/McCoy collab fics to kmficsbyus for easy archiving and such. Feel free to watch the comm if you'd like. And thanks again for reading!
The away mission had been envoyed earlier that morning. It was a simple task, but McCoy was still on edge, being that it involved Jim and their whole situation was currently tumultuous. It was only getting worse, seeing as it had been almost two hours since their last communication. Scotty kept trying to reach the planet, but interference had come up and grown, and no one could say whether or not it was malicious intent. McCoy never would have sent Jim down to the surface if he'd thought there was even the slightest chance of him getting hurt because he was supposed to be nursing his arm. He was supposed to be, but Jim was currently out of range and all the messages they were sending down to the planet were going nowhere. Arlington was hovering around him and McCoy shifted as he stood there uncomfortably, not even having to act any more.
This was just him and Jim, another go-round of a mission that was supposed to be safe.
The one saving grace at this point in time was the life-signs monitor. It was steady and despite the lack of communications, it was something that McCoy could hold onto while chaos reigned around them and the speakers throughout the ship broadcasted nothing but the sharp and unsteady sound of nothingness. He swallowed hard and went to rearrange his medical equipment for the fourth time since the team had left. He moved the scalpels and moved the hyposprays and ignored Chapel's looks at him. "They're coming back," he insisted, trying to ignore Arlington's eyes on his back.
"Doctor McCoy?"
"What?"
Arlington gestured to the screen. "I...I ah, think you should see this." He didn't sound very happy and McCoy didn't want to know what in the universe would make him sound so displeased. He gravitated back to the monitor and instantly saw what he was talking about. It made his heart stop and made McCoy freeze up where he was, a million memories and thoughts sprinting through his head. There was no heart-rate on Jim's life monitor. There was no heartbeat, there was no...
No, Jim, shit, no, you can't do this to me, no, no, no.
McCoy had the distinct and unpleasant sensation of another man's life flashing before his eyes and he saw his and Jim's first meeting, their first year, the rest of the Academy, holidays and vacations, time spent together, Starfleet and shore leave. McCoy felt the sudden sureness of a sickness in his stomach and he lurched slightly, grabbing the table before his mind could kick into gear and he could start preparing things. They needed to get Jim back to Medical so that Bones could operate. They needed to do something about this; he needed to bring Jim back.
No one was being teleported in and every time he tried to raise the bridge, he got nothing but static.
"Damn it!" he cursed sharply, shoving at the table. "Chapel! Get to the bridge, tell them to beam them here immediately if they haven't tried already and somebody find something out!" His voice was deep and insistent, booming as loud as it got. He was trying to ignore the vast majority of other people around him because right now he couldn't think about anything but the fact that Jim's heart had stopped beating, he wasn't breathing, he was dying if someone wasn't helping. Jim, goddamn it, no, Jim, you can't go, you're not allowed to go.
*
Goddamn stupid lightning storms. The residents of Space Station Meena had assured Jim that the storm wouldn't last for long, but it had gone on for hours. It had knocked out all the communications with his ship, and it had delayed the supply shuttles’ return by nearly an hour. He knew from experience that his crew was probably fearing the worse, so he had overruled the suggestion that he wait at Meena until the storm was completely gone. It was just a small team besides himself on the supply run, and none of them had wanted to stand around when they knew their co-workers were probably panicked over the loss of communications. Fortunately, he'd had the foresight to bring Sulu along, mostly to give him a break after their last landing mission resulted in them both being injured bad enough to be forced off work for days. Some break it had turned out to be, with so much rain that everyone was soaked through to the skin and flying was difficult, to say the least. Sulu managed to get back to the Enterprise, even without communications, which definitely earned him an extra week of shore leave next cycle.
After the shuttle was secure, Jim went to the bridge to report. The fact that Uhura--Uhura--came forward and hugged him when he entered the room was enough to stun him into silence. He listened as Spock logically explained something about grief and joy and heart monitors malfunctioning, which is as far as he got before Jim realized that Bones would have seen it. He probably didn't know that Jim was aware of the fact that he kept the monitor up on his office terminal whenever Jim was on a mission, but he'd caught sight of it a few months into their five year mission. He just hadn't ever said anything because it was something that made Bones feel better about his best friend having an occasionally dangerous job. Now, he couldn't help but hurry to get down to Medical because who knew what Bones was thinking by now.
The past few days had been really good. Strange and awkward as they both seemed to be testing the limits of how far they'd go for this pretend relationship and as Jim became more unclear on where the pretending ended and reality began. Since the night of the first date, which had resulted in their mutual orgasms, there had been a tension and awareness that neither wanted to acknowledge because, really, they hadn't been faking that, at all, and they couldn't claim they had been, so it was better not to talk about it. If Bones thought he had gone and gotten himself killed during a damn supply drop, though, all the progress they'd been making recently in their mixed-up relationship would be for nothing because he was going to be ready to bring Jim back to life just so he could kill him himself, and the fact that Jim wasn't dead would just mean skipping that step. Finally, the turbolift arrived, and Jim knew that he needed to tell Scotty to look into how damn slow those things were because it had taken forever to get here.
He entered Medical and scanned the room quickly, needing to find Bones to explain about the storm and to bicker about soaking wet clothes giving him a cold and to know that they were going to be okay, with no killing because he hadn't done anything rash and stupid. This time.
Chapel had already gone ahead and skittered her way out of Medical under his orders and so she was gone when the doors swished open. It was just natural for McCoy to have been expecting it to be her. So when it turned out to be Jim Kirk standing there in his Sick Bay, his breath stopped and his heart decided to start beating again because Jim definitely didn't look dead so much as he looked...well, wet. He was already crossing the room, cursing 'goddamn son of a bitch stupid damned ridiculous idiot' before capturing Jim in his arms and holding on as tight as he could. Part of him might have said this was for Arlington's sake, that he was there and so this was for him. It was absolutely only for McCoy, because he needed to feel Jim in his arms, his pulse alive and well.
His hands clasped Jim harder than ever, having mauled him tightly and was now busy pressing a fierce and desperate kiss to his lips, five miles away from being romantic. "Jim, you idiot," he hissed, hauling him closer than before and burying his face into Jim's neck, not wanting to let him go, never wanting to let him go. "Jim, you stupid asshole, fuck."
He had died. As far as McCoy was concerned, he'd been dead for all that time and now, he didn't want to let him go.
When Jim caught sight of Bones, he felt a punch to his gut. The expression on Bones’ face was one that Jim never wanted to see again, and it was more than enough to confirm his suspicion that Bones had seen the heart monitor flatline. He didn’t pay attention to anything else as he walked towards Bones, not even hesitating with a worry that crew might be around as he stepped into Bones’ arms. The hug was so tight that he could barely breathe, and he let Bones curse him because he knew it was how Bones showed he cared.
“It’s okay, Bones. I’m here. I’m alive. Can’t get rid of me that easily,” he murmured repeatedly as Bones kept squeezing him and calling him an idiot and son of a bitch. It felt only natural for Bones to kiss him then, a hard kiss that was almost punishing him for the technical failure that had scared Bones. Later, Jim might have to examine why this didn’t feel at all like pretending yet felt so effortless, like it was how things always were for them.
His lips were tingling when Bones pulled his mouth away and somehow managed to get Jim even closer to him. Bones was mumbling insults against Jim’s neck, his arms still firmly wrapped around Jim and not loosening their grip at all. Jim stroked a hand down Bones’ back and moved his other hand into Bones’ hair, murmuring words that he hoped were soothing as he tried to give Bones some kind of reassurance that he was alive and hadn’t left him.
It felt like if McCoy let go of Jim, he might drift away, as if whatever caused the monitor to flatline was going to pull him away again and make Bones spend the rest of his life alone and miserable. So he held Jim and closed his eyes and kissed him with all the desire that came out of too many dangerous away missions and the one that broke the camels back with a very technical straw. "Do you know, Jim, do you know I actually thought you were gone," he spoke, feeling dizzy and furious and angry and torn all at once. "I thought you were gone, I thought that'd be it, that we'd never get to...that I'd never..."
He swallowed down on the words as he forced himself to take an inch's step back and to stare at Jim, cupping his face and studying him in all his alive glory.
When Bones kissed him again, it wasn’t like the other one. This one was consuming in a way that Jim couldn’t really remember ever experiencing before. He returned the kiss, unable to keep from giving back as much emotion as he was taking. He put all the confusing feelings and the desire that he’d already ignored into it, needing Bones to know that he felt things, too. The kiss finally ended, and he listened to Bones’ broken speech, holding him tighter. “I’m not gone, Bones. I’m right here,” he murmured. “As soon as I heard about the monitors, I came right down here. Had to get to you, to tell you that I was alive.”
Jim didn’t really know what Bones thought they’d never get to do, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t dead. But Bones thought he had been, and his reaction wasn’t something that Jim was likely to forget. He hadn’t really considered what would happen if he died on a mission, generally putting everyone else’s safety ahead of his own and figuring that life would go on without him if he didn’t survive. Now, though, he could see how badly shaken Bones was, he knew that it’d hurt Bones in a way that maybe he’d thought about abstractly because they were best friends but he could see all too clearly at this moment would be worse than he’d ever expected.
“I’m alive,” he said again as Bones stepped away and touched his face.
McCoy realized two minutes too late that they were surrounded by people and he'd already made more than a fool of himself by acting the way he was. He stepped back and swallowed hard, trying not to go too flush with the humiliation of what he'd done. "Yeah, you are," he agreed, voice unsure and unsettled as he took a step backwards and severed all his contact with Jim. There had been something more in that kiss and while it was what McCoy wanted, what he'd been hoping for, something like panic was rearing its head.
"You are. You definitely are. And you should go see Chapel or Arlington or Geoff for your uh..." He gestured, the word escaping him as he took another step backwards. If he could feel what Jim was pouring into that kiss, then Jim definitely felt everything that'd come from McCoy. All their pretending was about to hit a wall, he feared. "For your check-up and I need to just file this report. In my office." Another step back and he hurried to turn away, desperate to break eye contact, to try and regain control of the situation.
“Bones?” Jim frowned when Bones suddenly let him go and stepped away. It was like he didn’t want to even be around him, which was ridiculous considering the kiss they’d just shared. He knew they weren’t alone, but that hadn’t been pretend. Nothing about the last however many minutes had been. Bones was a doctor, not an actor, and that’s the only way he could have faked what happened. No, not even then. “I don’t need a check-up. Nothing happened down there except a lot of rain.”
Jim ran his hand through his hair and watched Bones turn and practically run to his office. He was in such a hurry to get away that it was surprising he didn’t trip. Jim counted to ten before he followed, ignoring anyone who was standing around because it wasn’t any of their damn business what was happening. When he stepped into Bones’ office, he hit the button to cause the door to slide shut behind him. “There was a bad storm down there, lots of lightning. It interfered with our communications and delayed our return. I didn’t know until we were back, and I went to the bridge that it also messed up our heart monitors,” he said calmly, watching and waiting because he wasn’t about to just walk away because Bones decided to run and hide in his office.
McCoy kept his back to Jim, steady and focused on his paperwork and filing things away that were too important to only be kept on their PADD's. "I'll put it in the report, Jim," he assured the man, voice subdued and soft, almost beaten. "Thanks, though. For coming here to see me. Last thing I needed was to hear around the dinner table that you're fine." He was staring fixedly on his hands, staring at his class ring, at the band of skin where a wedding ring used to be. What was he even thinking? How could any part of him believe that he could do this again? It was too terrifying, too real. He wasn't ready for something like this, especially when Jim definitely was as willing as he was. "We'll be at Arlington's planet soon. He's offered to show us around and return the hospitality. When that's done.." He paused, closing his eyes to avert the stinging sensation in his stomach. "...this can be over."
“What the hell is wrong with you, Bones? Thanks for coming to see you?” Jim repeated, tempted to count again because Bones’ attitude is making it difficult to remain calm and collected. “Of course I came to see you. I knew you’d think I was dead because you always keep the monitor up whenever I’m on a mission.” Bones still wouldn’t turn around to look at him. Instead, he talked in this detached sort of voice that didn’t sound like him at all. The words he said weren’t right, either. Jim frowned and gripped the back of his neck as he kept staring at Bones. “That’s all this is to you still? Playing pretend for Arlington?” he asked quietly. The walls were thick enough here for privacy that no one would hear them, but he couldn’t really ask those questions any louder. Not when he’d stupidly believed that maybe Bones felt something for him after all, that the other night meant something more than faking it for this stupid plan, that Bones’ kiss might mean there was some sliver of hope that friendship wasn’t all they’d have. “This is all still just an act for you, then?”
If he could just lie, McCoy would have. Jim knew him too well for him to just say something and for it to be believed. He knew that this wouldn't be his escape and so he stopped fiddling with his things and bowed his head low and kept his eyes focused on the floor. "Don't you have to be back at the bridge, Jim?" McCoy asked quietly, flexing his fingers and trying to ignore the whiteness to his knuckles. "They need you there. I'll make do with things here for a while."
Jim knew him far too well. He had to have felt it, too. He had to know all of McCoy's secrets from that one kiss. It just mattered now because Jim was going to decide what to do with that information.
"I'm the captain, Bones. I can get back to the bridge whenever I'm finished here," Jim said. "This is more important." He moved his fingers over the door's surface and keeps his gaze focused on Bones. "You need me here, don't you?" He felt awkward, like he was forcing Bones to deal with him in a way that wasn't really usual for them. But he knew what he'd felt when they kissed, and he couldn't just walk away and ignore it like it didn't exist. There had been enough pretending the last week.
McCoy closed his eyes firmly and swallowed with some difficulty. "Jim, please," he begged, turning finally and letting his best friend see the fraught indecision on his dace, the panic that usually preceded a moment in which McCoy could barely breathe and he had to find a small space where he could close his eyes and let all his troubles drift away. "I need you to confirm our plans to drop off Arlington, talk to the man to make sure everything's in order, and make sure all the systems get back online." He gave the orders in a gruff, demanding way, nodding his head as he did. "That's what I need."
When Bones finally looked at him, Jim was surprised to see the expression on his face, like he was about to have a panic attack. Jim swallowed and licked his lips, feeling more ridiculous with every word that he said. It was obvious that he'd misunderstood everything, which was one of the problems when lines got blurred. Maybe he'd been so caught up in what he was feeling that he wanted to believe Bones felt the same way. Or maybe Bones did feel the same way but just didn't want to do anything about it. Jim ignored the voice in his head whispering that he just wasn't good enough as he stood up and straightened his shoulders. Whatever the problem was, Jim knew when he'd hit a brick wall. And that's how he felt right now, standing in Bones' office in his wet uniform being put back into his place.
"Fine," he said curtly. "I never realized that you were such a good actor, Bones. Don't let me keep you any longer." He curled his fingers into his palms for a moment before he turned and punched the button to open the door harder than necessary. Maybe he could feign an illness to avoid the fake happy relationship act when they arrived at Arlington's home because he didn't know if he could keep this up for much longer without their friendship being at risk.
*
McCoy hadn't participated in the ruse that he had started in days. Arlington's planet drew nearer and nearer, but McCoy didn't set foot in Jim's room and hadn't invited him to come back to his. It was a cowardly thing to do, but it was the closest he could get to running when they were on a spaceship in the middle of the vast reaches of the universe. He didn't know that he could deal with knowing that Jim wanted him on a level that McCoy understood far too well. So he ignored and he tried to suppress all the genuine feelings. When Chapel gave him wary looks, he ignored them and when Uhura looked like she wanted to say 'I told you so', he switched shifts so that he wouldn't have to see her looking at him like that. He let M'Benga work with Arlington and focused on records and updates instead of patients.
It might have all continued along well if not for Spock.
McCoy had returned from a dinner alone to find the First Officer in his office with his hands perfectly folded behind his back, standing there in the dim half-light of the office. McCoy had thought it was only a specter at first, something that made him startle and nearly gave him a heart attack. "Jesus, Spock, what the hell's wrong with turning on a lamp?"
"You have already done so upon your return, Doctor," Spock pointed out curtly. "Please, enter. And sit down. You and I must discuss a matter of the utmost importance to the ship's current efficiency and, more importantly, to the Captain's well-being, with which I have grown very concerned in recent years in great thanks to our alternate timeline. Jim's unique personality has become important to me as it is important to this ship, and he is suffering."
McCoy couldn't be entirely sure, but he felt like this was the 'you hurt my best friend, you sonovabitch and now you're going to pay for it' speech. At least, in the closest Vulcan approximation. Actually, from the small tick upwards of Spock's eyebrow in a manner that suggested irritation, this was exactly what it was. He sighed and tried to process the best answers to questions that had yet to be asked.
“Jim and I…”
“The Captain has shown a remarkable decrease in mood in recent days and I believe the blame can be fixed on your interaction with him, or more accurately, your lack of interaction.” Yeah, McCoy was definitely seeing Vulcans at their angriest. It wasn’t much more than an icier tone and more movement by the brows, but he was an expert in xenobiology and knew what he was seeing. “Your behavior has gravely injured the Captain’s emotions, his pride, and his efficiency. I insist that you desist at once and apologize before we find ourselves in further peril because our captain is out of sorts and unable to perform routine tasks.”
“Spock, the ship isn’t going to implode because Jim and I are going through a rough patch.”
“That is not what I have sensed upon incidental touches with the Captain.”
McCoy narrowed his eyes, trying not to feel the possessive flare that came with the thought that Spock was up there on the bridge, touching Jim. Even incidentally. He narrowed his eyes and barely stopped the growl that escaped his throat. “You don’t know anything about this.”
Spock paused for a long moment, as if debating the merits of going up against McCoy’s castle and king. “He cares for you very much.”
“He’s confused. I am, too. It’ll pass,” McCoy snapped. McCoy had to keep telling himself that they could somehow go back to being their normal selves if he just avoided Jim long enough for things to settle back as to how they were, like silt on a riverbed. It would happen. Spock just needed to stop staring at him like that so that McCoy could stop having second thoughts.
“You are harming the Captain, Doctor. I will not tolerate this much longer.”
McCoy let loose a small and angry sound. “Get the hell out of my office.”
“Please remember our conversation. It would be unfortunate and awkward if I were required to take decisive actions to remedy this illogical situation,” Spock curtly remarked as he swiftly turned and left the office, just before McCoy could pick up the nearest paperweight and let it launch into a trajectory that only came to a stop when it collided with the wall and exploded into a thousand pieces.
Goddamn Vulcan bastards
Chapter 6 | Chapter 8